Out of the Storm

I don't know where to start with this

I want mostly to focus on the here and now

I live 5km from the beach. Port Phillip Bay. I walk most mornings about 4km. I aim for dawn to avoid people. Dawn also maximises puppers, since local beaches restrict dogs during the day

I generally enjoy cooking. But haven't for quite a while

I live with my 70 year old mother

I have 2 parrots, cockatiels. Quack and Ollie. Quack was named after a phrase that a Kid who I worked with used. I worked with 2 year olds. A pair of twins were trilingual and didn't particularly grasp any of them. So birds were "Quack Quack". Ollie was named after John Olsen the painter

My diagnosis from 2003 to 2022 was schizoaffective disorder

February 2022, after 200 days hard lockdown in my city, I was referred to the hospital crisis team. After about 7 years of just GP and Allied Health

CATT psychiatrist indicated that risperidone and valproate needed tweaking. But wanted a regular psychiatrist

March the new psychiatrist, going largely on case manager notes and not speaking to me, said OCD with Grumpy Old Man Letters as compulsions. And possibly autism

He changed duloxetine to sertraline. I am still tweaking dose, having been on 180mg duloxetine which is a lot

I am on my 3rd case manager. 1st had a baby and left. Second, I reported to the Mental Health Complaints Commissioner and applied for a new one. Current case manager is OK. He is not the most knowledgeable. But he is clueless with youthful vigour and friendly

I started with a psychologist in September. My history with psychologists is quite jaded. I sent a list of questions to upwards of 20 psychologists. Most were either not taking patients or told me that I was outside their scope

One psychologist an hour travel away contacted me and brainstormed ways to make me feel safe in first appointment. I kept her

We have done 9 sessions. Her big thing is Focusing Oriented Therapy focusing.org

I benefit from it. It makes Therapy accessible to me

My psychiatrist and case manager are through the public system, so free

Psychologist is private practice so fees. Here, we can get 10 sessions a year subsidised. Then full fees. I have to plan next year and be prepared for $220 a session

I am on a disability pension. I previously worked in a handbag factory, went to art school, worked in child care, started a masters in information technology until my housemate accidentally burned my house down, I worked part time as a school crossing supervisor, and briefly door knocking for charity. But I am not cut out to work

More later

TW physical abuse, neglect

My life has been fragmented, and even I struggle to tie the chapters together. I'll make the next few posts chapters

0-5 I lived with both parents

Mum is deaf and doesn't speak sign language. She has an implant now, but used to rely on lip reading

People ask how we communicate and I reply "With great difficulty"

Gin was her drink of choice. About 50:50 gin:tonic strong

Dad worked shifts and also drank. I don't have many memories other than a few visuals of beatings with anything that was around, shoes etc

TW neglect CSA

5-12 Mum single parented

She was  farm girl, early riser and early sleeper, which was probably also owing to aforementioned gin

We were always fed. Not particularly good food but fed. I never knew take away existed until I was 12. We were quite poor

Mum was in a current affairs magazine and also a TV program about poverty in Australia

Us 4 kids probably did a lot for ourselves

I got $2 pocket money (allowance) a week and would go and layby/layaway things. I saved up that way and bought an atari video game system. These laybys led to my 2 older sisters believing that I was spoiled compared to the other 3. And with periods of no contact the grudge got strong over time

I was raped by a friend of the family, and sexually assaulted by a neighbour. Looking back on the rape, I was almost certainly drugged

I'm not sure what happened. That family friend soon stopped visiting. I continued talking about him so mum got him over... he stood on the front lawn ashamedly apologising and left

TW emotional abuse

12-14 were with my mum and her new female partner

I don't remember much. But step mum taught us that everything was stupid, including my name. So I use a different variant of the same name ever since

My dad died around 1993

We visited him in hospital in the outback. Nobody told me that he was dying with lung cancer, just that he was sick

So when he asked "Do you feel angry?" I replied "Why would I?". He laughed, coughed hysterically. The nurse put him on oxygen and ushered us out. Then came and said "He's gone"

Nobody explained to a 13 year old that that meant that he died until the funeral

The funeral was no frills. I just remember digging the hole in the heavy clay soil in the rain, and not having the strength. Then getting in trouble because boys should just instinctively know how to dig holes

TW emotional abuse, something resembling coercive control and financial abuse

14-18 Mum moved out. I stayed with steps and severed contact with FOO other than 1 sister

I don't remember much. But i worked night shift, was limited to 2 hours  sleep a night, but never kept the money

The family's gaslighting about FOO got worse and worse

18-21 I was in college I had moved to the country

I worked frantically

My interpersonal relationships were quite bad. I had a girl friend who I lived with for 3 years. I wasn't very nice to her, I didn't know any different

I had hallucinations, but not in a detrmental way, I just coped

2003 doing honours in a different state I don't remember at all for the most part

I had zero support network or Protective Factors

I was referred to CAT team and started risperidone

TW workplace bullying

I then fell into a job in child care

It was OK, until it wasn't

I became the scapegoat. I was emotionally and physically abused

The physical abuser was a female 1 foot shorter than me. But if I stood up for myself, I'd be fired. She even assaulted me and tackled me in a staff meeting of 20 staff, and nothing happened to her

And just briefly, my old psychiatrist left in 2015. Between then and this february were marred by medical gaslighting and I'm a bit foggy on what was paranoia what was legit

My therapist since September raised CPTSD

Dogman,

I'm so very impressed by your awareness of the abuse and neglect you've endured. I say this because it is all too common for people with severe trauma reactions to continue to say, "I don't know why I'm so traumatized, my childhood wasn't that bad."  Minimizing our childhoods is common with us C-PTSD survivors. Getting past the minimizing is often the first hurdle.

I feel great compassion for everything you've said in your journal. I hope this peer group that you've joined here in the OOTS forum is a positive stronghold for you as you navigate the healing process. Going it alone is not a great way to handle your healing. Having peers to feel any sense of connection with can provide a surprising boost just by not feeling alone. You're not alone.

I'm glad you are using this forum to release your inner dialogue out into a safe place, and to share in our compassion for each other.

Thank you for trusting us, to share here. In addition to giving support when we can, we all learn from each other here, just through the act of sharing what we are going through.

I like how your new T contacted you to think about how to help therapy feel safe. So different from the ones "not taking new Clients "

I also like how you broke these posts into chapters, reflective of how disjointed life has felt. And that your walks are timed to minimize seeing people and maximize seeing dogs.

I look forward to learning from your posts and I am sorry for everything you've been through, personally and medically.

Thanks to you both

I don't think that these photos identify location beyond Port Philip Bay in Melbourne

The foam just happens when there is a lot of organic matter locally. It comes and goes

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(https://scontent.fmel7-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/316417827_10159279326483226_5695799525064567322_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=AUy1-igpcZwAX9zDAd9&_nc_ht=scontent.fmel7-1.fna&oh=00_AfC4zHweqzJ5QwZbm54rn6oyAUQoC3E3hX0mobduKJJb7A&oe=63895352)

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I don't know if I have mentioned that I have to do an autism assessment? I think I have to delay it until I get these experiences and nerves under control. The appointments are longer than I can deal with just now

Dogman,

My eldest son, my wife and one of my grandsons are on the spectrum. I see both sides of the coin; their struggles as well as their strengths. By and large I tend to be drawn into friendships with people on the spectrum. For me, it's the no-nonsense way they see the world, and the intense honesty they give to me. I find myself more able to trust people on the spectrum who tell me what they really think, than I do people who are more okay with politely lying to say what I want to hear. My wife's autism spectrum is one of the top reasons I've been able to stay married to her for 40 years. I have such major trust issues, that I most likely would never have been able to stay with any other kind of person. She's the yin to my yang.

And talent. Some of the most talented people I've ever known have been on the spectrum.

To be honest, you're not surprising me with this post. When I saw the intense power of your artwork, that kind of cinched it for me. I'm happy to hear that when you get the experiences under control, you're going to do an assessment.

Thanks papa coco. You are so attentive to everyone's posts

I have been reading a little about Structural dissociation of the personality. I want to discuss this with psychologist next appointment

Thursday is medical officer.

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Lots of jellyfish on the beach today

I had medical officer at the hospital today. A new one. She was OK but talks really fast. I talk slow and pause a lot

She said to give the sertraline increase 8 weeks
Valproate blood levels were low. She's checking with consultant how much that matters
She says the voices are because of my mood

Lots of questions about lifestyle, and I got all trembly like a sissy doofus

hi DogMan

I wanted to thank you for sharing... but also mention something about trembling.
I almost always shake, and I have for as long as I can remember (at least 35 years)
I don't think it's anything to be embarrassed about or feel bad about, especially at a medical professional's.
I remember trembling at the doctor's the last time I was there too.
Anxiety definitely adds to it... so a medical appointment would definitely make it worse. (what if they realize how messed up I am?)

I just wanted to encourage you to accept them at least a little. It doesn't make you silly, or in any way bad or less worthy.
We all have trauma to release and I believe shaking is one way the body does it.
There is definite ease for me when I shake, provided I don't try to stop it.

Anyway, wishing you much peace.. and a hope that your day is going better.

I agree with Phil, that there is power and strength in trembling. You aren't a silly doofus. You have been hurt and are trying to feel better.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z41x1BaXMdE

thanks Phil and Armee

Yes, shaking is good release. I think I just posted it as indicator of my state

I just LOVE videos like that.. thank you
It feels like a weakness to shake, for sure. It's why I try to hide it as best I can usually.
But, it's such a gift to shake.. i have to remind myself of this all the time :)

Rang case manager. I got voicemail

I Rang back an hour later. Receptionist grumpily said that she got the first message and passed it on

No return call by 5pm on a Friday

Given that ringing him is my official safety plan, that kind of sucks

I'm not in crisis, but I could have been

I just wanted to vent that the new doctor just reinforced my belief that health professionals only want to control people

The new doctor sounded pretty dismissive.

I hope your new Therapist can help get everyone on the same page.

It's scary to think your safety plan could have fallen thru if you had been in a crisis. Keep advocating for what you need. I'm sorry you've been mistreated by the medical system.  :grouphug:

My mini crisis subsided

I guess that I should review that for therapy homework on amygdala hijack

This is part of a letter for therapist, for Saturday's appointment

~2 months ago, we touched on Part Selfs

I'm a really lazy researcher. I'll probably be ready for amygdala hijack around February. But I have sporadically read a bit

When we touched on this, it was singular. Part Self. Inner Critic

I don't think that my critic is singular. But it is like multiple sub personalities. I feel their screams and movement. Like hallucinations of proprioception and touch. I briefly live as someone else (Seconds). Then strong unpleasant emotions connecting the time between

They are me, but not

I suspect the answer to what the voices are can be assisted by Parts Work

IFS therapy sounds too rigid. But the idea of Structural Dissociation of the Personality rang bells with regard to the experiences, and "Dissociative Intrusions" or "Personality Intrusions"

The below seems like a more accurate description than "Intrusive Thoughts", "Hallucinations", "Inner Critic" or "Flashbacks". None of which seem correct, from my perspective (There are no doubt better fitting quotes, but the gist here)

"One personality state is dominant and normally functions in daily life, but is intruded upon by one or more non-dominant personality states (dissociative intrusions). These intrusions may be cognitive, affective, perceptual, motor, or behavioural. They are experienced as interfering with the functioning of the dominant personality state and are typically aversive. The non-dominant personality states do not recurrently take executive control of the individual's consciousness and functioning, but there may be occasional, limited and transient episodes in which a distinct personality state assumes executive control to engage in circumscribed behaviours, such as in response to extreme emotional states or during episodes of self-harm or the reenactment of traumatic memories"

https://icd.who.int/browse11/l-m/en#!/http%3A%2F%2Fid.who.int%2Ficd%2Fentity%2F988400777

I don't know if we have discussed the rage blackouts with amnesia, then flashbacks years later? People describe events to me, I have zero recall. Then later I am proved wrong in the face of evidence that the events occurred. I know that we discussed not remembering psychotic episodes

I know that I have mentioned voices of people who have mistreated me. But they don't seem like hallucinations, more as Lived experience involving the senses. Similar to a flashback of somebody else's experience, which hasn't happened yet

It must sound stupid

And I've mentioned the term "Paranoid" feeling unpalatable, but a "Paranoid Self" just feels more like my personal experience

I read about Focusing Oriented Therapy after seeing it on your website. And I had a little "This is exactly what we do". And I had a similar familiar response to reading about Structural Dissociation

I don't think that I am explaining it well, but we can work on it

I feel vulnerable, giving my own opinion. Such things rarely end well with health professionals

Good job Dogman! If your T sounds receptive but not familiar with structural dissociation theres a great book by Janina Fischer called "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma surviviors. " I recommended it to my T a long time ago and he said it was really helpful for him and for others too. Good luck.

Hi DogMan,
I have just read some of your journal, and wanted to thank you for sharing your experiences.  I hope you find this place supportive.  I also watched the video you shared about the Impala shaking off his/her trauma, and I felt emotional watching that. 

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm glad you're here. 
Hope  :)

thanks, hope. I still don't venture out of my own journal enough. I do read others, and your post has sort of provided me with a template type deal of how to enter others' journals

i had therapist today. I had written to her, and it was lots of focus on the dynamic between us, and how i can stay grounded in sessions without dissociating away after 20 minutes

we managed a full 50 minute session!

i am exhausted

i did a 12,000 step walk on my way. Mostly along a cliff with brief detour down to this short stretch of beach

(https://scontent.fmel7-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/318974757_10159300998413226_4512191328793254459_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=Yvy1u2FNNtEAX_nWTcM&_nc_ht=scontent.fmel7-1.fna&oh=00_AfCPeNoXm6UgSQXIF422lL1qyWJNKIB912GKhkuKiuRpwg&oe=6398B8E7)

 :wave:

Hi DogMan,
Your walk sounds really nice, and I think that managing a full 50 minute session is an achievement.  I'm glad you didn't mind my commenting in your journal, as I wasn't sure about just popping in, but was glad that I did.
Hope  :)

Finally got hold of my case manager, after 2 weeks of trying

My little crisis passed anyway

He reinforced that I am allowed to say "Stop" if a doctor etc pushes or asks off limits questions. Which is similar to therapy focus

He is coming here thursday. I'm not thrilled about in-home appointment. But can't afford to be fussy

My bus to the beach broke down this morning. So walking 40 minutes home was enough of a walk

I assembled a chest of drawers which I purchased in January. But not the actual drawers, just the frame thing

Exhausted

Dogman,

Good that you finally got ahold of your case manager. I hope the in-home visit goes well.

You often mention that you don't venture out of your own recovery journal, and as far as I'm concerned, that's perfectly okay. You came here with a need to express yourself with others who share many of your reactions to life. People are jumping in and interacting with you. Mission accomplished.

There are no expectations that we all need to visit each other's journals. Use the forum for how it best works for you, and don't worry about feeling like you "should" do things you're not comfortable doing for now.

I like your posts. I like your photos. I like your artwork. Your beach is beautiful, and I see why you are drawn to it every day.

If this journal is helping, then keep doing what you're doing my friend. 

Good luck with the case manager.

Thanks papa cocoa. I appreciate the kind words

Case manager on the 22nd, he came here. He couldn't find parking, so was in a no standing zone. So very quick

I gave him a card, he gave me an appointment card for psychiatrist 10th January. Which is sooner than I expected. Maybe the hospital might discharge me?

I saw psychologist on the 21st. We were both proud that we got through 45 of scheduled 50 minutes. I also requested a copy of the review letter which she sent my GP for medicare purposes

I think that she is saying that my insight lacks. And I don't know how to feel about that

She says that we need to work on boundaries, and ability to say "Stop" will help me not dissociate away from sessions and blankly agree with everything. And she needs that to get an understanding of my presentation herself

She says that we mostly need to build safety. After 11 sessions, that is still the main goal

The letter said that we are exploring dissociative intrusions and rage blackouts with amnesia. But at a pace that works for me

She is VERY patient. But does sometimes audibly sigh when she says things like "We can take it even slower"

I wrote to say that boundaries are scary and I don't want to. But I can't say that to health professionals, so I just go along with it. She says that we can slowly find a more acceptable term than "Boundaries"

Hi Dogman,

I read what you wrote and understand your apprehension with your therapist. I feel like I put mine through the gears after being with a few who were less than stellar. It's been a long process, but did help when I gave feedback eventually. I think it took a year or two? I finally said, I don't think you like me and she assured me that wasn't the case. Cue to a few more years of thinking that she's not telling the truth, or just has to say that etc. But in the end, giving feedback and going through the theraputic process several times has helped me to express myself.

It's also difficult to say something when it seems like people won't listen to you, won't matter what you say etc or when it's been dangerous to do so. For ages my t also wanted me to get angry about things, and I would just freeze inside or feel like whatever I would do would be rehearsed/just going through the motions.

Maybe there's a small boundary you can use to test the waters that feels real/significant for you? Something to establish trust between you?

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi DogMan,
I popped over to wish you the best for 2023, and I also hope that your appointment goes ok on 10th January.

Hope that things are manageable in the meantime.

Hope  :)

Sorry to go AWOL

An email notification reminded me to come back

I have attached what I am working on with T. Who I have been seeing for world record 6 months and 14 appointments (Part of my trauma was psychologists, so this is huge)

I hope that everybody is well

Hi Dogman,

Great to see you back. And congratulations on 6 months with a T.  That's huge. And I remember how it took me a while to finally allow myself to trust my T. I think it's normal with us CPTSD clients. I'm glad to hear you've got some momentum going.

I'm so glad you found a therapist worthy of trust and who listens to you and fights for you.