My first journal entry here. I am just kind-of following what others are doing and starting my own journal thread here.
This week has been a mess for me. I've "known" for the last few years that my mom is emotionally abusive. I say "known" because even though I recognized her behavior, I haven't wanted to fully admit that I've grown up abused. I still don't really know how to say those words and take myself seriously. But as I've sat in these very uncomfortable thoughts and memories this past week, I've realized how the abuse has flooded my entire life. It's manifested itself in my mind and body for forever. I hit a breaking point this past week, though.
-----TW: talk of emotional abuse, following, and physical manifestations (hypoarousal) --------
This past week, my mom drove six hours to come berate and manipulate me in person when I stopped answering her calls and texts. I stopped answering her calls after hours of emotional and psychological abuse on the phone. So she drove six hours to confront me. After a couple hours of the same thing but in person... of the same emotional abuse, the manipulation, threats, all her tactics, my body shut down completely. I have disassociated before but this was a total shut down. I was holding a cup of tea and suddenly as she raged on all I could think about was how heavy the tea was. Then I couldn't hold it any longer and dropped it. Then I couldn't move right, I couldn't speak except in choppy syllables in a very low tone, I couldn't think. Every time my mother would move towards me I'd flinch. (Let me tell you, she definitely DID NOT appreciate that). She convinced me to get in the car with her and continued to tell me I must be faking this to get out of an important conversation and a slew of very hateful things. I started sobbing but was making no noise... tears and snot were just pouring down my face and she continued to berate and manipulate me. I later learned I went into hypoarousal. I understand it's more common to go into hyperarousal but my body knew that was not safe. My body was doing what it could to protect me. Even though I'm confused and scared by what happened to my body, I did give it an extra squeeze when I realized it was trying to protect me. It felt better to be in that hypoaroused state than it did when I felt everything my mom was doing and saying.
I think one thing I'm really struggling with is the way my mom continued to treat me in that state. She continued to threaten and manipulate me. If I ever saw what happened to me happen to someone else, I'd be concerned and want to help, even if I hated them. But she continued driving me all around the city, with me trapped, and manipulating and threatening me. How could she do that?
-End TW-----
That's what's really hard about this. There are just so many questions. And some things which are really objectively bad are sometimes more understandable in a way than the subtle cruelty.
I don't even really want to put this here because it makes it feel so real. I just want to pretend it didn't happen but I've tried that before and it didn't work.
Little Blue Jay, you were brave to share this very traumatic encounter with your mom. Her treatment of you was horrible. I really don't have the words. I wish I could swoop in and protect and comfort you.
Little Blue Jay, I appreciate you sharing and hope that beginning to share here is supportive to you.
Little Blue Jay, thank you for sharing this painful experience with us. That was a terrible way to treat you. Here's wishing you some peace and gentle hugs if you want them.
hi littlebluejay
Thanks for sharing this here. I'm sorry for how horrifying that would have been!!
I'd forgotten that my parents did something similar about 9 years ago when we first went no contact. They drove (just an hour) to my wife's work and started in on her about how much psychiatric help I needed and how I held so much deep hidden anger towards my mom that i had to figure out. They made the mistake of telling my wife that she couldn't protect our children from this "fight" we were having. My wife replied "Watch me" (I still love it!!!). I think that gave my mom a challenge though, to hurt our kids and prove my wife wrong. It's what they tried to do for a few years before it all kinda just stopped.
I also can relate to the hypoarousal... I can remember many a talk where it was so aggressive I could only stumble and cry.. which brought out the "if it was so {fill in the blanks} ie important to you, you wouldn't be crying" and just being stumped on why I couldn't answer them.
Anyway.. i say all this (forgive my length) on the off chance it is of any help or value to you. I'm really sorry you're going through this right now! I've been NC 9 years... I couldn't physically see them now.. there's just no way, but I remember the terror and I'm sorry for it.
I hope you have a beautiful day today,, thank you again for sharing
Thank you all for your warm words. It is comforting knowing that you also believe this treatment was bad, as I still wonder if it's normal and if I deserved it all. Thank you for reassuring me it is not normal and not okay. And thank you for the gentle hugs, I feel them.
Phil72, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. While I wasn't answering my phone my mom called my employer, who I've kind of adopted as my mom (I work within a family with a young woman who has a disability. Her mom is my employer and we spend many, many hours together). She called to tell her she was very concerned about my mental health. It's ironic because she was the one threatening suicide :stars: But I digress. I'm so sorry your mother tracked your wife down like that, but I am so, so glad your wife was able to stand up for you. I'm sure it's comforting knowing you have someone else who is willing to stand in the gap for you when things are really hard.
Sending you all a thankful hug :hug:
Big hugs to you. I've had the same shut down. It's part of what made me realize the toll the abuse was taking what absolutely not ok. No contact here is very well justified. I understand if you can't, I couldn't. But I wish I had when I was much younger. People like this cannot and will not change and it'll get worse, not better.
This is just very much not ok and no, not normal.
It's possible that going full no contact is the rock bottom she needs to get herself healed. In the end, since you have time, it may be the kindest thing you can do for both yourself and your mom.
Thank you for your message, Armie.
No contact seems so overwhelming to me. But I also know at this point she is not capable or willing of change. And I can't keep experiencing these things like I have been my whole life. I just keep moving farther away from her but her words follow. And she moves on so fast... within 3 days of this episode she was just calling and texting me like we're the closest friends. I don't get it because I don't move on like that. I still am processing things that happened to me when I was 8 years old!
gentle hugs if you want them, Little Blue Jay. Contacting your employer, regardless of who they may be, was exceedingly out of line. Are you able to talk to your employer and maybe ask them not to accept her calls, or tell her you've talked to them and to not bother your place of work? Sorry you're experiencing this with her. Thinking positive for you.
It's been a very busy week for me. I started a clinical rotation at a new hospital and it has left me exhausted but also proud. My sister is living with me and I so enjoy her company and am happy I'm not alone.
Mother's Day brings up a lot of hard emotions for me. My mom has had a lot of breakdowns on Mother's Day so I'm always preparing for the worst. But she really liked the gifts I got her and everything went smoothly this year. I am thankful. But it is still hard for me because the memories are so tangible and I am filled with so much fear going into the day... will she be happy? Will she like my gifts? Is she going to feel hurt by her children and husband in ways we didn't expect? I was glad when the day was over.
One thing I've been thinking about is the romanticization of hard stories. I am a believer that good things can grow from really hard stories. But some things happen and I don't believe there is a silver lining. I don't care for whatever lesson others might want to say there is. I am chronically ill, I have a lot going on in my body. Scars and medications and medical devices make up my daily life. And I can look at all that and see the silver lining. I'm at peace with my body's story and see the good parts of it. But with c-PTSD? No. I don't think abuse has a silver lining. I don't believe we should ever be expected to see the good things. I will never be thankful for any part of that story. I will never romanticize it and I don't expect good things to grow from it. I would take all my physical illness and multiply them by ten if I could just not have the relational trauma be part of my story.
Just some thoughts for this week. I hope everyone is doing well :grouphug:
hi littlebluejay :)
Congratulations on getting through mother's day. I relate to those worries of the day from before I went NC. Will she be happy? it seemed you could never quite do enough for her on her special days.
I'm sorry for your health issues! I'm glad you are at peace with your body's story. That's pretty amazing. (you seem so wise beyond your years)
I wish there were positive things with cptsd.... and I agree we shouldn't be expected to see any. I still find myself trying.. but maybe that's just wasted energy.
I hope your day goes well and you can enjoy some time this weekend. Thanks for sharing this
side note: when i see your name I think of the song Little Bird from Man of La Mancha (and sometimes sing it to myself) and it makes me smile. thank you for that :)
Thank you Phil for your kind words. I will have to look up the song Little Bird! I've never heard of it. I have come a long ways with my relationship and understanding of my body, and I'm grateful. Hopefully one day I will have that kind of understanding when looking at my past.
I feel like I'm struggling and not quite sure why. My mom still calls me almost every day. I have a gut reaction every time I see her name pop up on my phone. She called yesterday to tell me she can't come to my graduation from grad school because her and my dad are fighting. Truth is, I could not care less she's not coming. I knew something bad was going to happen with both her and my dad coming so this just eliminates that fear. But she makes me feel so sorry for her... I don't know how to explain this feeling. I just want to bag my graduation altogether but the truth is I just don't want my parents there. I want to be with my sisters and my friends. Not only that but now my mom is just transferring money to my bank account to help me pay for things when I never ask or want help. I know historically these "gifts" come with so many strings attached so I do not want them. To outsiders the fact I do not want her money may sound strange, but this is what relational trauma will do. Nothing is a gift. Everything is a debt.
I am very far from my mom, but she just feels so near. And even when she's not lighting up my phone, she's in my dream and flashbacks. My sisters aren't as affected as me. They are affected for sure, and we all openly discuss this trauma now that we all recognize it, but they don't have nearly the internal anguish that I have. It makes me feel like I've made it a much bigger deal than it needs to be.
It all makes so much sense to me that you feel this way. And our individual roles and age in the family make a big difference in how we react. I was deeply traumatized by what happened in our family even though objectively my sister had it worse. But a bunch of circumstances make our response different.
Your mom's calling and unwanted gifts is negatively affecting you and might be good things to practice setting some solid boundaries on?
Hi Little Blue Jay,
I related to a lot of things you said. I also relate to what Armee said about it making sense that you'd feel the way you do.
I hope that you're able to have your Graduation how you'd like it to be - with your sisters and your friends.
Hope :)
It's been over a month since adding to this journal. I still come on here off and on, quietly read posts and poems. I haven't quite had the energy to add much. Maybe that's because my family has been pretty quiet, so my life feels a bit stiller. But it's still in the back of my mind. My every thought and action is painted by the relational trauma. I wonder if I"ll ever get a break from it.
About a month ago, I was lying in bed with my sister. I don't even know how it started, but I started talking about the things I still struggle with from a traumatic experience with my mother that happened about 2 or 3 months back... I don't even remember anymore. And as I talked, tears just streamed down my face... overflowing. I used to never cry. I've started crying again. It was really weird though, one minute we were just chatting and the next I'm crying.
I wish there was a way to convey to my mother how harmful she has been to me. Not to guilt her. But so that maybe she'd stop, and maybe she'd quit telling me how awful of a father my dad is without taking any responsibility for her actions as a mother. She declares that I have no relationship with my father when my relationship with hers is very toxic, and founded on deep fear. It just doesn't seem fair that she can live in complete ignorance while I'm here trying to patch up the wounds for myself and my sisters.
But amidst all of this, I'm learning to live life. I am living in a new city, doing a clinical rotation. My anxiety is high about that too though, for I feel I'm not doing well on my rotation. I want to get back into doing some things I love, but it all feels a bit exhausting right now. I have chronic illness and rely on a medical device to live, and sometimes just managing all of that is exhausting. I want to find more joy in life again, but I know sometimes it ebbs and flows.
Well said, Little Blue Jay. So often these emotions are buried so deep, and then something spontaneous, like the tears you mentioned, are all of a sudden there, even when least expected. Nothing dramatic, just there -- and perhaps it's enough to somehow create some little, hidden relief. A hidden relief which, in turn, can actually be the best kind.
As for ebbs and flows, while they can trouble our equanimity, they're also reflective of this saying I've always felt comforted by: "It's okay not to feel okay". Not sure I remembered that exactly, but I think the sentiment expressed carries the message that this journey can be, and often is, cyclical and unclear, but we'll be alright.
:grouphug:
The tears are important and that you were able to let them flow through you is positive! Your career on top of cPTSD would be exhausting alone. Adding on a challenge of relying on a medical device to live...just hugs to hold you up through the exhaustion and to carry you through from one peak of joy and ease to the next.
It's been so long since I've been on this forum. I honestly forgot about it for some time. I was doing well for a while, but something has changed in me the last couple of months. I've walked through a lot of hard things with both my physical and mental health, but the darkness caused by cPTSD overshadows them all.
I went back and reread some of the comments you left on my last entries. Truly, this community is so kind. It was actually your comments that I remembered that brought me back to this forum. Then I was thinking, that genuine compassion for strangers is probably something many of us have in common. We feel really deeply. I have spent my whole life wanting to make sure others don't feel this pain, and I'm sure others of you would say the same. I also wonder if the pain hits us harder because we feel so deeply. The world is heavy for those of us who feel the pain of others in ourselves, especially when it's compounded with our own pain.
I spent my whole life pouring myself into caring for my sisters. I am a classic parentified child. Should I have been parentified starting at a very young age? No. But was it necessary? Would I go back and remove myself from the picture? No, I wouldn't, because my sisters needed me. They will always come before me. Sometimes I think the only reason I'm still here is because if I was gone, my sisters would never recover. I could never put them through that. I try to keep things civil with my mother for many reasons, but they are a big reason. Everything I do or don't say to my mother puts them at risk for her wrath. It's a huge responsibility and I hate that I have it, but I do it for them. Why do we always give? Why do we have to feel so deeply? Why do we have to care so much?
I'm trying to dig myself out of the darkness right now. I've done it before and I'll do it again. But right now it's just hard, and I know many of you are sitting in the hard with me.
I'm sorry that life is hard right now. I'm glad you have come here to receive support.
Today was a better day. Life felt a little more bearable. I definitely don't feel ecstatic about life, but I can maybe tolerate it? I hope I can get back to a place where life feels beautiful again. I know I'll get there.
In the meantime, I'm taking walks in the park. I'm cuddling my cats. I'm trying to stay connected to people I love (but that feels very hard right now). I'm studying for a huge exam I have on Thursday! I am hoping that after Thursday I'll start to feel a little more like myself again. Studying for it has been quite exhausting and I'm hoping I pass on the first try so I can put it behind me forever!
I keep finding myself stressed about future things. I need to just stay in the moment. But isn't that hard? Some of these things are 10 years out. My mom has been saying for 7 years she was going to move back to her hometown in 2023. She is set to move and me and my sisters are relieved she will be further away. Now my sisters and I want to end up in the same city together once they finish college. But my mom is saying in 10 years she wants to move to where we are to be close to "her girls" and "her grand babies" (that are completely nonexistent, btw). It's so sad because my sisters and I decided if that will be the case, we're going to have to split so she doesn't follow us. Of course we are hoping she'll just make a home and community for herself in the town she is moving to. But will I ever stop running from my mom? It's such a burden on me. Also, she wants all the sisters to meet in her hometown this summer after she moves. My oldest sister will be flying in from London so of course I want to go see her. Also, if I don't go, it's going to cause all sorts of drama we don't have the emotional capacity for. But she wants to get family pictures. Family pictures?! She's not even divorced from my dad but they'd be without him. Also I don't want to pretend we are some happy family, because we're not. My mom is just completely blind to it.
But there I go again, worrying about things that aren't right now. I need to just make it through my exam, then finding a job, then.. then.. and eventually, maybe I can figure some of these things out. I wish my mind wasn't always spinning.
With the stuff I'm dealing with in life, I have pictured myself on a path at night. The only part of the path that I can see is where the flashlight is shining, my next step. I can't see any further than that. I draw a picture of a flashlight in my journal and write what I need to do for this day. Some days it helps me to only focus on what is in the "flashlight zone." Sometimes it helps and sometimes I'm thinking about everything going on now and fears of the next decade!
I hope your exam goes well.
Thank you Notalone for that visual. That is helpful and I've already starting practicing it.
I had my big exam today. I think it went well. I won't know if I passed for 2 weeks. I will be trying to fill the time until I get the results back.
My mom called today to vent to me about my dad. I have asked her multiple times to not do this, each time ending in a serious rage that has left me wounded. I wonder why I even try to set boundaries. They are never respected and they only end up hurting me. She just goes on and on about how awful my dad is with no insight into her own behavior. She talks about how awful he is to her but everything she describes of him she does to her children regularly. I don't question that my dad can have a temper, and I've also seen how she manipulates and is awful to him my whole life, so I have little compassion for her. Which I wish I did, I'm sure she is hurting but I get so tired of this. She also just calls and cries and screams on the phone to me about my dad all the time, without changing anything. She's been saying she's divorcing him for 5 years now but they actually have made no progress. She has been saying she will split from the business from him for 3 years but hasn't. She still calls to chastise him regularly. It has taken such a toll on me. I am put in the position of being counselor over daughter every day. I am expected to be my mom's counselor but to never question her or disagree with her. If I disagree with her she because verbally and emotionally abusive. I had a situation like this last week. I want out so bad.
But my experience with boundaries is that they don't work, and just damage me more. So I sit and nod my head and try to express compassion. But it is so hard, especially when I'm fighting my own battles.
I've spent some time this evening organizing and cleaning. With my studying and low mood, my home has gotten messy. I hope that I can keep up the motivation to finish cleaning and that, hopefully, it'll make my mind feel calmer and more organized, too.
I'm thankful that I completed my licensing exam yesterday. I have to wait two weeks to get my scores but I'm hopeful I passed and just want to put it behind me. I started a clinical trial for a new medication to help with a physical condition I have, and I'm excited to give back to medical research and hope I'll get some results. I'm very thankful to live in a time where new studies are being done every day on even the most bizarre conditions. I also went to work. I work for a young woman who has a disability in her home. Her family has become my family and I am thankful for that. I really am thankful for a lot and have a lot working in my favor. But man, this loneliness is hard. This depression (I think is what it is) seems so unbearable. I wonder how I can live within both--the thankfulness, relief, and hope... and the utter darkness. With all this, I do feel like I'm just going through the motions. I go to appointments and to work and to testing centers and it all is okay, but there is still this veil between me and it. I come home and I just want to curl up in a ball and not think. I don't really understand how my brain can work this way. I want it to be better.
My mom called me today and said, "You never call me. It's always me calling you. This is a very lopsided relationship." Everything in me tensed up. I was afraid she was going to get mean. She didn't though, but I think she's annoyed with me I'm not the one to initiate calls. Also she has no idea how lopsided our relationship is. I feel bad for that. And I do avoid calling her. But she calls me so much anyways I wouldn't think she'd notice. She will call me upwards of 7 times a day. And every time she calls I get panicked. Also does she really think I'd want to call her after the things she said to me last week? I don't understand, and it all makes me sad.
Your mom is putting a lot of burdens on you that you should not have to bear.
Thank you for your replies, Notalone :hug: I appreciate it.
I kind of wonder what I'm doing on this forum. I question if the trauma is valid at all or if I am making this all up. It was very helpful last summer but now I am comparing and feel like a fake. I'm just so desperate for community, and a place where I am understood. But currently I feel like I'm just speaking to a blank wall and my feelings and thoughts are void of purpose.
Not that it's an envious club, but from what I've read of your posts, your experiences are those which cause complex ptsd. I'm sorry for that. The mind games of the types of parents most of us have endured - including you - are deeply traumatizing. I've had both as have many others - "big T" single events and the more insidious and subtle relational traumas. The doubt is part of the damage that was inflicted.
Many or all of us at some points have felt like we don't belong here, our traumas are made up or not that bad, we're not doing something right etc. For me personally I've found the validation offered from other sufferers to be very healing. At the same time we are all that - fellow sufferers and can only give what we have to give at any given moment, which isn't always a lot. That's another beauty of this forum that's been healing for me is there are no expectations, for how you post, where ypu post, or how often you come and go. Use it as it's helpful for you.
The depression is hard and the conflicting feelings of gratitude can be confusing but I experience both at the same time. For me, maybe for you, it was a sign that I was reacting to the past in the present. It felt like it was about the present but actually it was not.
Gentle hugs to you if that's helpful. And my fingers are crossed for your exam results! Good luck!
Thank you, Armee, for your kind response. And for validating my experience. It really means more than I can express, and I am thankful.
Things have looked up some. I'm not in quite as dark a place as I was. I visited my family for the weekend which is always a mix of good and bad. I watched my younger sister as she performed in her final high school performance, as she is graduating in a couple weeks. That was pure joy. Everything I do is for her. I love her more than life itself... something I hear parents say about their children a lot. She is my world. If anything good came out of the way I was parentified, it's that I love and care for my sisters fiercely, and in many ways, they keep me going.
My mom was in pretty good space, which can be very confusing for me. Her sister had recently had a huge rage in which my mom and sister felt the brunt of it. It's so interesting hearing my mother talk about her, because everything she says my sisters and I have also said about my mom. Sorry that sounds confusing. It's just interesting to see how much my aunt is like my mother, and interesting to hear my mother process through it. My mom and grandmother have said they think my aunt could have BPD. And those who know my mom intimately also have said that about my mom. It's weird that she can recognize it in her sister but cannot recognize that she is the exact same way. It was a bit triggering for me hearing her talk about it.
I thankfully saw my psychiatrist yesterday. I had been holding out for that appointment. I love my psychiatrist. She adjusted my antidepressant but also talked through some ways I can find community. I go to a small church with a much older population. I love the church but she suggested I find one that has some people my age, and maybe has a young adults group and/or children's ministry I can volunteer with. She also suggested I try out a Celebrate Recovery. My first thought was that wouldn't apply to me because I've never struggled with addiction. But she explained that it's so much more than an addiction recovery group. Does anyone reading this have experience? I'm not sure I want to try it, but maybe. I have a history of an eating disorder which they address, but I've been in recovery for 4 years now so it doesn't affect me so much. It's mostly the effects of relational trauma that really affect me these days.
My mom also just told me about a position that is hiring at a rural hospital in my hometown. She is moving back there this summer and encouraged me to look into the job. There is part of me that really wants to look into it just because I'm so lonely right now, and I have some old friends and lots of people I love in that town. But I know I cannot live in the same town as my mom. It's confusing though because she was okay this weekend. And I know I'd see my sisters a lot more if I lived there. It makes me sad because I just feel so torn. But I know I can't entertain the idea, because it wouldn't be good for me to live so close to my mom. It can be deceiving when she's in an okayish space.
I was right about that job in my hometown not being good for me. My mom asked me what I was thinking about it the next day (yesterday), and I told her I decided to not pursue that right now. I want to stay in the city I'm in. The result of that was 1 hour and 50 minutes of her lecturing/manipulating/guilting me. It was honestly really awful. She kept saying, "If roles were reversed and you were a single mom in a new city I would drop everything to move to where you are and help you." And "I must've taught you to value adventure more than family." And "Someday you're going to realize everything I do for you, and you're going to regret not helping me. But I'll probably be on my deathbed before you realize that. And who knows...I could be hit by a Mac truck today so you should realize it now." I felt very confused during the conversation because she kept saying how much she needed me. She needs me because she is going to be lonely and need someone to talk to, and she needs me to help take care of my little sis. (She's a teenager but developmentally disabled. I've offered many, many times to have my sister come live with me but my mom won't entertain the idea. She wants me to move in with them and help her take care of her that way). But then my mom would go on to say, "I was just thinking how proud I would be to have you working in the hospital with me. I would be SO PROUD." It was confusing because I want to be wanted, but then it also sounds like she just wants me for her benefit. I can't reconcile the two.
The part about me valuing adventure more than family also really hurt. I have given everything for my family. I raised her children and they are my world. I have offered to become the full-time caregiver for my little sis. I do everything she asks, to a fault. Also living in this city isn't an "adventure." I live in a boring city but I love it, it is my home now.
There was so much more to this conversation. So much manipulation. But the thing is... I still feel incredibly guilty. I left that conversation feeling like I was in the wrong. I should be there to help my mom. I should give up everything and move there to be with her and to help with my sister. After all, she is right, she does do a lot for me. I still feel guilty.
But I know that choosing to stay where I am is what I need. Even if I'm lonely here. The conversation proved that I was making the right decision.
I just so wish I could get rid of the guilt.
I hope I'm not overstepping. What your mom said was very manipulative. I wish I could pluck the lies and guilt away from you, but I know it is not that easy.
Quote from: littlebluejay on April 06, 2023, 03:57:37 PM
but then it also sounds like she just wants me for her benefit.
Heartbreaking, but probably correct.
Hey my mom put me through similar manipulations. You've done everything and more. You aren't wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about, that type of person just forces that on us. It's really difficult and mindbending. When my mom was still alive I described the feeling she engendered in me as explode-y, like all the feelings all at once in a chaos of confusion about what was happening and why and maybe I really was wrong and bad etc. It was a horrible feeling and so I'll just agree with you that yes you are making the right decision and yes, the guilt is vicious.
Definitely not overstepping. I really appreciate you speaking honestly. Because I feel like it was manipulative, but I also get in my head and start to think I am at fault and if only I was better at xyz then maybe...
But it was manipulative, and it is heartbreaking, and it's not my fault. Thank you for standing with me :hug:
Quote from: Not Alone on April 06, 2023, 08:22:32 PM
I hope I'm not overstepping. What your mom said was very manipulative. I wish I could pluck the lies and guilt away from you, but I know it is not that easy.
Quote from: littlebluejay on April 06, 2023, 03:57:37 PM
but then it also sounds like she just wants me for her benefit.
Heartbreaking, but probably correct.
Thank you so much, Armee.
Thank you for reinforcing the words I've been trying... but with difficulty... to speak to myself. That I have nothing to feel guilty about.
It definitely feels explode-y. Thank you for sharing with me that word, I definitely relate! So many thoughts and feelings and a lot of them don't make sense. I'm so sorry you've had to feel these feelings as well. The guilt is definitely something else. Many people don't understand the guilt the way we do. I'm afraid I'll never rid myself of it.
But even if I don't, I believe there's a place to show myself grace in the midst of it, and engage in the things that help me heal. Sometimes it's very hard to do those things though!
Quote from: Armee on April 06, 2023, 11:19:07 PM
Hey my mom put me through similar manipulations. You've done everything and more. You aren't wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about, that type of person just forces that on us. It's really difficult and mindbending. When my mom was still alive I described the feeling she engendered in me as explode-y, like all the feelings all at once in a chaos of confusion about what was happening and why and maybe I really was wrong and bad etc. It was a horrible feeling and so I'll just agree with you that yes you are making the right decision and yes, the guilt is vicious.
My mom has been going through a very rough spell. I've said to those closest to me that she is going to push away all the people who love her and who she loves away. She is pushing us all away.
Today she said that she only has 4 daughters (instead of 5) and I have no mom. I won't spell out the long situation that led us here. Today I'm very shaken and very said. I want space from her, but I didn't want this.
I still feel like everything is my fault, and that I made this all up in my head.
:heythere:
I'm sorry. It's really sad and hurtful. Please hear me say this isn't from you being bad. This is your mom's dysfunction. No matter what led to this situation it stems from her.
My sister's favorite song regarding how my nom treated her was Cause and Effect by the white stripes. Maybe it'll strike a chord for you today.
Thank you, Armee. I so appreciate your words. I listened to that song and omg... it fits my situation perfectly. It's also a fun beat!
Also I wanted to note, when I said my mom is pushing away everyone she loves/who love her, it's because she is treating us so cruelly. There is a level of empathy I have, for I know she is mentally unwell and I honestly think she is oblivious to a lot of the hurt she causes. But I can't let that empathy prevent me from acknowledging my hurt, and taking the steps to heal.
I am having a lot of panic attacks right now. These are new for me. I'm trying to be kind to myself. I want to heal so badly. I want this to stop affecting me.
Sounds completely like my mom. I'm sorry. I get it.
Quote from: littlebluejay on June 29, 2023, 05:08:29 AMThere is a level of empathy I have, for I know she is mentally unwell and I honestly think she is oblivious to a lot of the hurt she causes. But I can't let that empathy prevent me from acknowledging my hurt, and taking the steps to heal.
You are right and I'm glad you realise this. There is a reason they tell you that in an emergency on a plane you should put on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else. You have to look after you first and foremost. It is not selfish. It is the responsible thing to do.
I am sorry you are struggling with panic attacks and I hope you know how to handle them when they occur. I don't, so have no suggestions to give, but send you my best wishes for peace and healing.