TRIGGER WARNING
Use of r*** word, sexual abuse, bondage
The Part of Not Alone that this happened to is writing.
I told my therapist that something happened when I was 13 or 14. It wasn't important. It wasn't a big deal. I was tied to a bed and a man had sex with me. I didn't say no or struggle or resist. I got on the bed and did what he said to do.
My therapist said he raped me. When he said that I shook and my already fuzzy/tunnel feeling got even fuzzier. He immediately asked what happened. I couldn't talk though. After a bit of silence, he said more.
His using the word "rape," has really shaken me. Was he right? I've been telling myself for a long time that what happened was no big deal. I looked the word up in the dictionary, but it didn't help. I need someone else to tell me if he was right. I even went on a chat on the computer. The lady said that rape and assault were legal words and she could send me information from my state. I didn't want that. When she said that I wanted to cry.
Can someone tell me? Was my therapist right? Was it rape even though I didn't resist?
From,
13/14 year old
I relate. A few years ago, I told my therapist about something that happened to me when I was 17 that I always thought of as something stupid that I did. It never occurred to me to call it rape, and it confused and upset me when my therapist used that word. I don't want to post it here but if you would like me to share it with you privately, please let me know.
Any person over the age of 18 having sex with a person under the age of 18 is legally considered to be something called statutory rape regardless of the consent of the younger person, so technically it was, but I'm pretty sure that's not what either of our therapists meant.
Hey notalone, I am so sad that happened to little 13 or 14 year old you. :( That is so young and what happened sounds really scary. I'm going to guess that at that age you already had dissociation and saying no probably wasn't a possibility for you, maybe by the time you were at that point you were already dissociated. You also say a "man" and not a boy. Rape isn't always black and white, sometimes it is gray and confusing. Many people who have been raped don't think what happened to them is rape. But an adult having sex with a child is rape even if the child agrees. I can't see how tying up a child provides them any consent either. Slowly as you are able, let your therapist's words sink in, and talk with him about this next time, and the next time, and the next time, ok?
I'd also like to say you are truly not alone, not alone. I've been exactly here about 3 months ago. The scenario was different but I was also confused. Ashamed. Shaken. When my T used the word rape. It had taken me several weeks to be able to tell the story to him (after 2.5 yrs of him being my therapist), just little pieces at a time. I too scoured the web and forums to try to find proof that somehow I could find some clean definition. I told my T it wasn't rape. He said it was. I still don't know what to think. I know it was wrong, I know it was cruel, I know it was horrifying, I know you don't treat another person like that, and I know I had already been trained not to say no, stop, I matter.
I don't know if it was rape but I do remember the gentle way my T looked at me and said the word. It came from a place of caring and compassion.
If a hug feels right to you, not alone, there's one waiting at the bottom.
:hug:
I too have experienced rape. I started typing out something but found I don't want to write it. I am here with you in the confusion.
Yes, 13/14yo notalone, that was rape that happened to you. It counts, even if you didn't say "No."
That didn't happen to me, but I'm standing with you from afar anyway.
Quote from: Bach on June 12, 2021, 03:33:31 PM
it confused and upset me when my therapist used that word.
Thank you,
Bach. It has confused and upset me too, but almost in a good way. I made myself believe that what happened wasn't that bad. His use of the word "rape" has shaken my belief that it was no big deal.
Rainydiary, I'm sorry that you experienced rape. I understand not wanting to write more. I really appreciate that you shared that with me.
Armadillo, so much of what you wrote was helpful to me. You are right; by the time that I was 13/14 I had learned to do what I was told and not to resist. My T asked me if he was over 20. Yes. He said what you said, "an adult having sex with a child is rape even if the child agrees." He said I couldn't have consented. I don't quite understand that yet. I don't know what my T's face looked like when he said I was r*****d. I couldn't look at him the entire time that I talked to him. His voice was gentle and kind. I like your hug.
Quote from: Armadillo on June 12, 2021, 03:45:09 PM
Slowly as you are able, let your therapist's words sink in, and talk with him about this next time, and the next time, and the next time, ok?
Thank you for saying that. My T said I could keep talking about it, that it is important and that I am important.
Quote from: Blueberry on June 12, 2021, 08:55:38 PM
Yes, 13/14yo notalone, that was rape that happened to you. It counts, even if you didn't say "No."
That didn't happen to me, but I'm standing with you from afar anyway.
Thank you
Blueberry, for saying it so straightforward. I need to hear that. It is hard to hear, but I need to hear it and let it sink in, let it sink in that what happened to me was serious. Thank you for standing with me.
Thank you,
everyone. It means so much that you talked to me.
From,
13/14 year old
I cannot sleep, but I'm so tired. I was on the bed, the husband next to me. Hearing him breathe. . . My nerves are frayed. Every sound goes through me. Not Alone gave me a pill to help my nerves. I don't think it is working. I laid on the floor. The bed doesn't feel safe. Still am full of fear and my insides all shaky. I want to go where it is safe, but no place is safe. I feel really alone and afraid.
13/14 year old
Ok young notalone. I've been here, down to the horrible sound of hearing a loving husband breathing next to you. It's ok that you feel this way. If you can, wake your husband and tell him how you are feeling and why and ask for what you need...a hug, holding hands, extra space on the bed, etc. If you can't do that, it's ok that you can't. I couldn't.
Maybe try sleeping with music and headphones and a stuffed animal? Maybe watch something on tv that makes you laugh for 30 minutes? And it'll probably just be a rough week or few. Be gentle with yourself, you are going through a lot. The brain and the body will start to work through this but it'll take time to not feel so triggered and unsettled.
:bighug:
Armadillo, thank you for your response and care.
After 13/14 year old Part posted here, I took another xanax. She fell asleep on the floor and then woke up a couple of hours later. I was able to get into bed and slept the rest of the night. I guess it is obvious that a bed would be disturbing, but it still was unexpected.
Quote from: Armadillo on June 13, 2021, 05:28:37 AM
The brain and the body will start to work through this but it'll take time to not feel so triggered and unsettled.
Grateful for the reminder. Be kind to myself, be kind to the 13/14 y.o. Part.
Quote from: notalone on June 12, 2021, 09:41:37 PM
Quote from: Bach on June 12, 2021, 03:33:31 PM
it confused and upset me when my therapist used that word.
Thank you, Bach. It has confused and upset me too, but almost in a good way. I made myself believe that what happened wasn't that bad. His use of the word "rape" has shaken my belief that it was no big deal.
I relate to that, too. It was very difficult and painful for me to deal with thinking of that incident as rape but once I did it helped me make sense of some things that happened a few months after that and opened up an avenue for progress in my healing. I still wish it wasn't a thing but I understand that facing up to it was important and helpful. I know it's really hard but I hope that you can similarly benefit from the perspective :hug:
Thank you, Bach. I'm still letting that digest, don't quite believe it yet, but the word has been percolating in my heart and mind. :grouphug:
:hug:
Without any ambiguity, it was....the word. I have a 14 yr old. No matter what the situation, even without being restraint, if an adult had sex with my 14 year old. It would be ****. It doesn't matter if you agreed, it doesn't matter if you asked for it or "lead him on," or if you never said "no" or "stop." A child cannot consent and 13/14 years old is very very young. What happened to you, Not Alone, as a child....it wasn't ok. It wasn't your fault. It was the word. There is no ambiguity.
Thank you Armadillo. I'm slowly starting to believe it.
I talked to T about this again. I couldn't look at him at all the whole time. Shame. He understood. I have a lot of difficult and mixed-up feelings. For a long time I had this incident in the category of "not a big deal." That is being shaken and changed. I guess it makes sense that I have a lot of confusion and feelings. It will take time. I want it to go away. I want to just sleep and make everything go away.
Thank you for letting me talk here and for listening to me. Other than my therapist, I don't really have someone else to talk to about this.
:bighug:
It'll start to feel less shameful, less overwhelming as you get the pieces out and let them settle a bit.
It's funny, I hike with my T on a few different trails. Whenever I am in a certain section of the trail I was on when I told him? I get completely overwhelmed with shame at the exact same spot every time. Even if I am not thinking of it at the time. Actually, now that I write this I am realizing I think it is exactly the spot he stopped and said the word.
You come here and talk about it as much as you need to and want to. I'm glad I can be here and listen at this time. I wish I had been posting on this site when I went through the same. It was a hard couple months but it loosened and receded after awhile.
Quote from: notalone on June 14, 2021, 11:55:58 PM
I want it to go away. I want to just sleep and make everything go away.
I often feel like this when I'm in the middle of big recovery. Please try and me gentle with yourself, you're worthy of that! I also think it's OK to rest or nap so that everything goes away for a bit. Otherwise it can be overwhelming. If it feels safe, here's a gentle :hug: Or I'll put up :umbrella: to keep you safe.
Based on the info you have given, that sounds like rape to me. If there had been consent beforehand - some people partake in this kind of role play - then it would have been different. I'm guessing that you were paralysed with fear and felt unable to resist ? If the man knew this and used his age & size to intimidate and scare you then that adds to the case for rape.
I hope you manage to work through this and find some peace.
The context was a bit subtle in that NotAlone referred to being a child and the other party as a man, later clarified as 20 or older.
Even with consent, there's no such thing as consent between a 13/14 year old and a grown man. It doesn't matter if the child said no, was silent, agreed to it, or even begged for it. It was still rape, Not Alone. It was wrong and you were grievously violated.
Persistant, thank you for commenting. I'm not sure if I was frozen with fear or not. I was abused from a very early age so by the time this incident happened I had be trained (by terror and torture) to cooperate.
Blueberry, thank you for your hug. It helps to know that you feel like you want stuff to go away too. I will try to be gentle with myself.
Quote from: Armadillo on June 15, 2021, 12:38:16 AM
It'll start to feel less shameful, less overwhelming as you get the pieces out and let them settle a bit.
Thank you for this hope, Armadillo. My T also said that my feelings will shift and change.
Quote from: Armadillo on June 15, 2021, 07:15:02 PM
The context was a bit subtle in that NotAlone referred to being a child and the other party as a man, later clarified as 20 or older.
Even with consent, there's no such thing as consent between a 13/14 year old and a grown man. It doesn't matter if the child said no, was silent, agreed to it, or even begged for it. It was still rape, Not Alone. It was wrong and you were grievously violated.
Thank you, Armadillo.
Notalone - are you still in a vulnerable position eg can this man (or anyone else for that matter) possibly abuse you ? Sending you strength, support and love.
Persistant, thank you for your care and concern. That person and the others are long gone from my life. I am safe now.
I am a person.
I am a person.
I am a person.
I am a person.
That's what my therapist told me today. I've partly looked at myself as an object, because that's how I was treated. I was just a thing to be used. He (T) said I am a person. When I got home, I laid down for a bit with the weighted blanket over me. I kept saying it to myself over and over. Maybe to those of you reading this, that seems, "duh, obvious," but not to me. To me it is "hmm. Wow. I wonder. . ."
I have talked to my T for three sessions about what happened to me. Today for the first time, only for a few minutes, I was able to look at him.
From,
13/14-year-old
On a big paper I wrote, "I am a person." The "person" was with letters that could be filled in. I wanted to write or illustrate within the letters things that I am learning about myself as a person. I was afraid that I wouldn't have anything to put in there. The first thing I wrote was that I have feelings. That's what my T said. "You have feelings. People feel, not objects." I also wrote about my kitten. (She is on my lap right now taking a bath!) Later, Not Alone pointed out some other things for me to add, so I wrote those within the letters too. I think that I will also write that I like colors. (Thank you, Jazzy for telling how to have different colors.)
I don't know if this makes sense. I partly survived what I went through by feeling mostly like an object. Now I'm starting to know that I am a person.
Today in the store, Not Alone walked down the craft aisle and asked me if there was anything that looked interesting to me. I picked something out. I will work on it later.
Believing more and more that I am a person and that I matter.
13/14 year old
Hi 13/14 :hug:
I'm so happy you are starting to find ways to make it feel real that YOU are a PERSON. How terrible that people treated you like you were an object and took away your humanity while you were just a kid. It makes so much sense that this is how little you coped and I'm glad she survived.
I like the idea of this project and can see it could really help me too. It's something I would keep so hidden from everyone probably even my therapist. I'm curious are you able to share stuff like this?
Thank you for what you said, Armadillo. Yes, I showed my therapist. He said he loved it and it was very cool.