I know I post 'too much', way more than anybody else on the forum, but my impulse atm is to shout this one from the rooftops: my T session today has brought me a big step forward in healing from CSA. I'm sure more direct work is necessary but I'm also sure that the work done today will bring further forward movement without any more direct, specific work before my next T session. My impulse to shout from the rooftops feels almost euphoric. I think that means that some of the burden of shame has lifted. More details in my Journal.
Awesome, Blueberry! I'm proud of you! :D Posting a lot isn't a bad thing. I think it means you take your health seriously, and that's good. I'm really excited to hear you've made progress!
Hooray!
(I don't think you post too much. I always welcome your posts and find them helpful.)
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
BTW, I appreciate what you have to say. I don't think you post too much.
Thank you all kindly for your cheers on my progress and for saying that I don't post too much as far as you're concerned, and that my posts are even helpful for you. :) I've been meaning to write this to you, Eidolon, Snowdrop and notalone, for a while. It must be my ICr who says things about "too much" so your counter-opinion is much appreciated! :) :hug: :hug: :hug:
Turns out I was right - the work done a month ago brought further healing a few days ago and then today in my T session. :) :thumbup: :cheer:
It's good, and refreshing, to be able to let loose and celebrate the insightful moments -- big and little -- we encounter on these tricky paths. It's important -- and inspirational -- to find these outbursts of good vibes breaking out. :cheer:
Engaging in those triumphant rooftop shouts wonderfully offsets the long and deep grief process we all feel trapped by. Thanks for sharing your jubilation at seeing the other side !!! :hug:
As to posting too much -- no way. Your observations are always insightful and, most important, spoken with a heart of integrity and authenticity.
Thank you so much for your observation, woodsgnome :hug: :)
You're so good with words! In general on the forum anyway, but here too - You give me descriptors for myself like "authenticity" or for my actions like "triumphant" (rooftop shouts), which are both true when I think about it but it wouldn't have occurred to me to use them. They're not part of my active vocabulary, especially not for describing myself. Seeing "triumphant" written by you enables me to feel the triumph more deeply. :) :) :) I can't stop smiling. That's so good, even though supposedly a strange reaction to healing from CSA. But it's mine! It's my authentic reaction! I'm taking back myself, my reactions! Thanks so much again woodsgnome! :grouphug: Now I've got this new insight on top of the triumph :cheer:.
And in the past 12 hours more of the shame has lifted. :cheer:
QuoteAnd in the past 12 hours more of the shame has lifted. :cheer:
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Quote from: Blueberry on October 09, 2020, 10:25:46 AM
And in the past 12 hours more of the shame has lifted. :cheer:
I have tears in my eyes, Blueberry. The lifting of some shame is a very, very big deal. :hug:
Thank you notalone and 3Roses. I'm smiling again, I'm not crying. But I know what you mean notalone. In other circumstances tears come to my eyes either for myself or for somebody else, sometimes also at progress somebody has made.
__________
Today i was thinking about how lots of people say CSA is the worst trauma, it's the very worst thing anybody could do to a child, whereas I've thought for years how the emotional abuse at the hands of FOO was the most destructive in my case. I have heard that from others too, including a few cases where the CSA and CPA were the kind of cases you might read about in the newspaper, but still they said the emotional abuse surrounded them, it was relentless whereas CSA and CPA were only sometimes. We "shouldn't" compare of course but people do, even some therapists do.
What struck me earlier today was how the healing steps I'm going through atm with the CSA, these healing steps seem to be having a huge effect on the whole of me. So I'm thinking maybe CSA is the very worst. Maybe it really does cause so much damage so deeply within your being, even in a case like mine, where some of what traumatised me goes on in public! Some people do it to their kids as a loving gesture, apparently. When I see it going on, I freeze up. I don't think it is appropriate or loving, but people do it.
I made further progress in the night during a dream! :thumbup: :applause: I know the progress has already progressed into RL because when I woke up, I remained in my body - no numbing - and I was able to touch parts of my body which can be problematic e.g. lower back, upper thighs.
I did end up staying in bed all morning though that might not all be to do with the dream, and anyway I'm not haranguing myself about remaining in bed. I needed it obviously. I'm very tired physically - whether as a delayed reaction to so much cycling or an emotional component or a combination. I'll probably write more about the dream later on a CSA thread. For now, I have to prepare my teaching.
Quote from: Blueberry on November 03, 2020, 11:49:12 AMI know the progress has already progressed into RL because when I woke up, I remained in my body - no numbing - and I was able to touch parts of my body which can be problematic e.g. lower back, upper thighs.
Ital. by me
The progress is continuing even w/o dreams on this topic. Esp. the italicised bit. What is more, the female physio can really work on this area esp. gluteus maximus w/o me dissociating. And w/o me saying: "No way, don't touch that! Trauma... sexual abuse..." Last week was emotionally difficult, but this week much better. This week she said:
That is where the problem lies. Before that, I was so stand-offish, argumentative she probably didn't even dare.
I have been in physio before over the years, including inpatient but that area got pretty neglected because I'd refuse to let people near it. That has its reasons. Bad reasons. So much damage can come from CSA.
Way to go BB, I am delighted to hear you have made progress :cheer: and :hug:
Thank you Kizzie :hug:
It's one of these pieces of progress that creeps up on me unawares and then it's there! No idea where from except from work done ages ago probably.
WOW Blueberry. I am so happy to read this. You've shown so much wisdom over the years protecting yourself from those triggers long enough that this type of progress is now possible. You've been so wise in your slow and cautious approach to this.
That's a really great update. Seems like you planted a seed of progress in that work done ages ago and now it has grown. I'm so pleased for you. Especially since being able to tolerate therapeutic touch should be helpful to you.
Thank you NK and Armee. Your posts remind me how big this really is.
May be also a partial explanation for how much I've been lying low. Stuff going on in the sub-conscious.
Quote from: Blueberry on September 10, 2020, 11:15:36 AMI know I post 'too much', way more than anybody else on the forum.
I've never thought that and actually enjoy seeing your posts and replies. I'm appreciative to those, like you, who regularly engage here. :)
Quote from: Blueberry on September 10, 2020, 11:15:36 AMmy T session today has brought me a big step forward in healing from CSA. ... I think that means that some of the burden of shame has lifted. More details in my Journal.
This is huge and so wonderful! Celebrating with you! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Thank you
storyworld!
_________
I was a bit reactive and regressive (NTS as in S-Nr.3) on this topic this week, but then that downturn turned into a bit of progress.
Progress in the area of gluteus m. again. Me realising that it has a purpose other than what FOO used it for (ridicule and worse). It's an important muscle!! w/o which humans couldn't stand up or do a lot of other movements. And as for its shape, that's genetic, family inheritance kind-of-thing. I mentioned this in trauma T yesterday, after telling my T about most of the CSA.
It's also progress that I've managed to tell a T so shortly after starting therapy with her. That might have been our tenth session. There are 2 more sessions and then she'll be on holiday for 4 weeks.
I
told her too. I wrote it (or some of it) out for my previous trauma T and gave it to him to read.
It would be unusual to dive into CSA processing before processing something a little 'easier' and we certainly won't be before T comes back from her holiday, but she said we might start with CSA after all. I know this is a little weird, but it is what is - I feel a little excited. I'm sure I won't once we start. The excitement is I suppose about what all progress might come through more active healing in CSA, even in areas where you wouldn't think they're connected to sexuality. Well, they probably aren't connected to sexuality, they're physical things I blocked at an early age in order to block the stuff stirred up by CSA which I didn't understand and had no place for.
Quote from: Blueberry on January 24, 2024, 03:53:48 PMQuote from: Blueberry on November 03, 2020, 11:49:12 AMI know the progress has already progressed into RL because when I woke up, I remained in my body - no numbing - and I was able to touch parts of my body which can be problematic e.g. lower back, upper thighs.
The progress is continuing even w/o dreams on this topic. Esp. the italicised bit. What is more, the female physio can really work on this area esp. gluteus maximus w/o me dissociating. And w/o me saying: "No way, don't touch that! Trauma... sexual abuse..." Last week was emotionally difficult, but this week much better. This week she said: That is where the problem lies. Before that, I was so stand-offish, argumentative she probably didn't even dare.
I have been in physio before over the years, including inpatient but that area got pretty neglected because I'd refuse to let people near it. That has its reasons. Bad reasons. So much damage can come from CSA.
I'm touching that area more myself now, pressing into the muscular pain the way physio did. This is progress. As for upper thighs and lower back that I mentioned 4 years ago, self-touch is so much easier, that I'm semi-surprised I wrote it down then. Or I think Part of me is surprised and another Part remembers pretty much how hard touch used to be. Now my touch on lower back and even a bit upper thighs can be almost
caressing. Scary word, so very small font.
I made some more progress the other night in a dream. It was a different area of healing from CSA but definite progress. It's difficult to write on a non-protected area of the forum, I might be able to put it on my Mbr Journal or just keep it in my head.
The progress I wrote above about gluteus m. is continuing, so becoming more fixed in me. Not fixed as in repaired but can't-remember-the-word-in-English. More 'settled' maybe, as if the progress is going to stay and not disappear again. I'm also continuing to press into the muscular pain the way the physio did.