Why is it I hate having to do the old hugging and pecking on the cheek of people when greeting or saying goodbye, yet need physical contact from my wife in order to be happy? I hate it when I have to sit next to someone so near that I'm touching them, even if it's just legs. If someone acidently touches me with any part of their body it makes me suddenly flinch away, a type of involuntary response. Yet I love physical contact with my wife and it doesn't have to be a great deal i.e. I just love it if we're sitting close, holding hands or just occasional touch. There's nothing better for me if I've had a successful social experience with friends and got away with no physical contact, yet if my wife hasnt touched me within 24 hours I will actively seek out some contact. By the way I've been married 33 years. My CPTSD came about through personal childhood physical and emotional abuse and witnessing domestic abuse as I grew up. Mum also left us when. Was 12.
Most of us have major trust issues and have a "zone of protection" around ourselves (don't like to be touched, need a lot of personal space, etc). It seems perfectly normal to me though you would turn to your wife for this given your obvious love and trust of her :)
It makes sense to me that physical contact from others is upsetting. I'm glad that you are able to receive comfort from your wife's touch.
I'm the exact same: I need regular physical contact with my partner, but cannot stand anyone else touching me, especially strangers and acquaintances (during greetings/goodbyes), but even ppl I pay to touch me, like at the dentist
Guess it must be a trust thing....it's one of my triggers. I am very distrusting of others peoples motives. Too nice and it makes me claustrophobic and want to distance myself, too outgoing and confident makes me think they're narsasistic with ulterior motives, too needy and I feel manipulated. It's only taken me 53 years to realise I don't trust others!!!
Quote from: Buttonphobic on December 27, 2019, 08:47:39 PM
It's only taken me 53 years to realise I don't trust others!!!
I get that! In one of my sessions, my T said, "You don't just have trust issues with God; you have trust issues with your husband, with your friends, with me. . ." Really? That was news to me. :Idunno:
QuoteIt's only taken me 53 years to realise I don't trust others!!!
Quoteyou have trust issues with your husband, with your friends, with me. . ." Really? That was news to me.
When you think about it mistrust
is a 'normal' state for us, so much so that we don't quite realize we're this way as you've both said. And really, if we were abused/neglected as children by family then when/how would we ever learn to trust? So it's not something we have to
relearn, but learn from scratch and as we age that can become more difficult.
I very clearly and adamantly stated to an acquaintance recently, "I don't trust anyone!" I didn't know that about myself until the words blurted out of my mouth. That moment was a major breakthrough in my healing process because I realized for the first time that not only do I not trust most people, but that I don't have to trust anyone until I am ready to. I was taught to yield—caution was never allowed. And yet, like you buttonphobic, I am very affectionate with those I love.
QuoteThat moment was a major breakthrough in my healing process because I realized for the first time that not only do I not trust most people, but that I don't have to trust anyone until I am ready to. I was taught to yield—caution was never allowed.
Bingo GR, I hadn't seen keeping others at a distance as progress/strength and being okay with that in a positive light but it is a change from how I used to be. This helps me to understand why that may be so. I am admitting to myself that I do not trust and I am OK with that because like you I was taught to at least pretend I did. It's not a deficiency, it's how I survived and acknowledging that is progress and strength.
Tks for this thread Button :grouphug: Is any of what we've said resonating with you?
Having the experience of abuse and not having the right to say "No." I think that it is important to take back your own personal response. Asking myself - how do I want to be? How do I want to interact with friends and strangers? Not just who am I - but how? I know that I want to be me. However I will be. Heard a quote about trust. "It's not about how much you trust someone else. It's how much do you trust yourself to handle whatever they might dish out. "
A big thank you everyone. So interesting to see I wasn't the only one to be surprised about my trust issues. I think a lot of it is down to not trusting myself as to how I'll handle what others throw at me, but in recent times I've become quite paranoid of other people's motives, even those quite close to me. It doesn't just end with people, I don't trust anything that I see as manipulating others around me. For instance I'm overly opinionated about Love Island, which my wife and daughter watch!!!!
Anyway understanding it's about learning to trust, rather than relearning is the message I'll take away. Many thanks again.