I keep having the thoughts from my horrific childhood play in my head. I have been yelled at by my siblings to grow up, get of it, and other things. I broke down, went to therapy and I am not the one who is crazy, or a narc as they screamed. I was abused for all of my childhood. I was the SG and they were the GC. I have replayed me getting home and my Nsis beating the tar out of me bcz she was picked on at school. I had to save her bcz I was the oldest and I am supposed to do that. But at home it was ok for her to go off on me and hurt me. I was supposed to be ok with it bcz she was younger. What?
I was parentified and I took care of my younger sibs bcz the parents went to work. Split shifts so I was the caregiver to the younger ones. My childhood ended at 6 yrs of age. I learned to speak English and I was taken everywhere to translate for my parents. I keep reliving my enabler dad beating us up bcz he was drunk. Nmom smacking me around bcz I would question things. I remember vividly 1st grade, teacher told us to go home and hug our moms on Sunday, for Mothers Day. I did as I was told and mine pushed me away and asked how much I wanted. Or a Christmas show, families were to come and watch us perform, my parents never came. I sang my heart out and looked into the crowd of all my friends families but I got to walk home alone. There are so many of these times and I still stayed bcz that is what I am responsible for. To take care of my parents. I find that to be a crock of poop. They abuse me all my life and I take care of them into their old age.
My Nmom really taught my Nsis well. After Nmom died 1yr ago, I was changing, that is what the siblings said. Sure, I was, for the better for me. I was taking care of myself for the first time. I was setting boundaries and the siblings didn't like that. They ganged up on me and I broke down and went to help. I was truly afraid that they were right, maybe I am the Narc and I am so horrible that I may die alone. I don't know why I listened to them, I have a great husband and kids. They have no one and they are judging me? But I am getting help and I am starting to understand that they are the problem.They have not once in their miserable lives ever apologized for their actions or behaviors.
I was the one who had to do it bcz parents told me that I had to bcz you know how they are. I do know how they are, they horrible humans that hurt people and feel nothing, they have no moral compass, no remorse, nothing.
I try to not focus on the trauma but sometimes its hard. So many years of this abuse and I am tired. Just the thought of my siblings gets me worked up. I have been getting better but some days are harder than others. I will continue to focus on ME, I deserve it, I deserve to be happy.
Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Rosalee :heythere:
Thank you for sharing your story. You've been through a lot so it's no wonder you are tired out! What may help though is something you yourself said:
QuoteI will continue to focus on ME, I deserve it, I deserve to be happy.
Yes, you
totally deserve to be happy :yes: :applause: :thumbup: :cheer:
So sorry for all the pain and abuse you went through. Glad you are getting help. You deserve kindness and care.
:yeahthat: :grouphug:
Welcome Rosalee. It is terrible when you're so alone in a family. To be responsible and not receive any gratitude from people who should love and respect you. Here you can tell your stories and be heard. That is respect well deserved :applause: