Out of the Storm

Seeing the thread had gone over 5 pages and setting up a Part 2  ;D

Today and in the Past Few Days I achieved quite a few major improvements.

Today when continuing to feel sluggish and tired, I felt inspired to wash my very dirty kitchen window and I went on from there to wash all my windows and mirrors. Part way through I had a feeling, almost visceral, of withdrawing into myself but I kept on and I now feel better :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

On Thursday eve I was going up to the farm but decided before I went that I wanted to actually use the elderflowers I'd picked and partially prepared before they went off completely. There are a number of items of progress in here.

1) I had been accepting myself on Wed. and Thurs. about not getting round to continuing the preparation. No self-haranguing! That ICr. was totally quiet :yes:

2) I'd done a few other things on Thurs. whereas last year when I first started making jelly and other stuff with wildflowers and herbs, actually doing so would be the only thing that day (because emotionally so strenuous).

3) I was working against the time, a little bit. It wasn't a real rush, but I did have to make sure I got the last train. Up until now mostly any time constraint and especially deadline has been triggering for me and very stressful. This time it was quite OK. I worked calmly step-by-step. I now have 4 jars of elderflower jelly.  :)

4) I had been intending to make one small batch into elderflower cordial but I didn't have time for that so froze the mixture in ice-cube trays. Now I realise that for various reasons that should probably not be made into anything. Self-acceptance here too. It's OK. I don't have to be perfect!

5) I realised when I got up to the farm how big this all was because I didn't need to do any EFT! No "I forgive and accept myself even though..." because I had already accepted and forgiven myself.

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: yeah blueberry!! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: have a good time in the farm!

 :applause: :applause: :applause:

Today in a dream of somebody gaslighting and red herring-ing me I

did not allow myself to be side-tracked but calmly stated that "what we're talking about now is your action of having done..." which had impinged upon me, whereas the red herring impinged on this person in no way at all and had nothing to do with the context.


That kind of red herring was a very FOO form of gaslighting, so this is big progress! I think this is also the first time I've ever spoken that calm, matter-of-fact way using the wording that is recommended. :applause: :applause: :applause: 

This evening I:
1) did a load of laundry
2) put the Little Furries out in their garden pen till it went dark
3) did a little bit of clear up in garden (weeding, cutting a few things back, picking up stones etc in my beds)
4) had a cooling, de-itching shower
5) got my hair wet but allowed myself to skip washing it
6) washed some dishes
7) tidied and swept some parts of floor
8 ) while in shower, had image of going for a swim or at least maybe soak in local river, a bit upstream. This means, I'm getting more accepting of own seeming inability to do other things I'd planned for August. I need to do things a little more locally than what I'd planned.

Cleaned out some shelves and drawers. Threw a lot of stuff away.

I read all about the new 1, 2, 3 thread but realised it's too difficult as yet for me.

I can compeltely see why that one would be too triggering for you BB.  :hug:

In the past 24 hours I:
1) washed my hair and sort of showered
2) took my first meds of the day
3) did a little tiny bit of tidying
4) changed my clothes, all of them
5) hung up the wet laundry
6) set the washing machine going with a separate set of laundry
7) while listening to some of last night's Trauma Conference sessions, I discovered and removed a whole load of dust bunnies from my keyboard :whistling:

1) I made it to my student's on time
2)  I'm pretty much up-to-date on my dish-washing
3) I taught a good lesson

1) I did get up eventually
2) I've just been conversing with my Furbabies, for at least the second time today
3) Deleted a bunch of emails (take up emotional space if nothing else)
4) Was out and about in town earlier today and noted what the daylight did for me - it was good for me!
5) Got some food from market and picked up veggie scraps for furbabies
6) Thinking back on it, I did get some very important stuff done yesterday, some of which was deadline stuff too, with financial repercussions
7) I have been altering my ads on ebay to say 'pick up only, I'm not sending anything' and sometimes reducing the price too. More than anything else, this is self-care and being honest.

1) Met with someone and received help and important information.
2) Bought groceries.
3) Vacuumed and washed floors.
4) Cleaned stove.
5) Began working on paperwork for mediator. Sent two emails to work to get information.
6) Stopped doing #5 for today when it got to be too much.
7) Began laundry. (Glad I wrote this. I need to throw clothes into the dryer!)

 :cheer: Yay notalone, that's great. Especially #6! :hug:

1) Made it to occup. T almost on time
2) Enjoyed my cycle there and back
3) Took my iphone type thing to practise using
4) Actually practised instead of distracting myself with talking to therapist exclusively about other progress
5) Took my meds and drank tea before I left house
6) Noticed on way home how I annoyed I am at B2 about his treatment of me especially re: my niece/god-daughter
7) Got a load of laundry in the machine
.................................................... and it's only 1pm - pretty good for this night owl!

1) I got up, and then after going back to bed, I got up again
2) Showered and washed hair - it took a lot of effort but I did :cheer:
3) Did some weeding
4) Had a chat with a friend who dropped some stuff off
5) Aired my apartment
6) Cleaned the toilet
7) Enjoyed being outside
8 ) Had a prepared salad
9) Tidied a few things away
10) Took one of my meds nice and early

1) I got up when I woke up, even though it was early
2) Went to the farmer's market fairly early (there have been days since I moved when I didn't manage to go at all)
3) Did some housework so particularly the kitchen looks better and I feel better when I'm in kitchen :)
4) I made space on my kitchen counter for my transportable CD player for the first time here in this apt and listened to music while making and eating my breakfast and then doing said housework
5) I did have a long, long nap but after I got up and realised I wasn't really awake, I went down into the garden intending to maybe poke about a bit - at least get some fresh air and maybe pull out the odd weed - but then I actually got going clearing a bed that I can use for my herbs :applause:
6) First time using hedge clippers :)
7) Dared to start clipping hedge beside the herbs bed because hedge was overshadowing bed - been intending to do that for a while and now I've done it :)
8 ) I stopped before it was too much
9) After coming back inside I thought I really 'should' try to phone my godson but realised I was hungry and acted on that instead :cheer:  I decided it was more important to make myself something nutritious to eat than phone anybody  Self-care :cheer:
10) Cleared a bunch of books away from beside my bed, where they tend to congregate in EF phases, and back into bookcases. Bedroom also looks better :)

Impressive Blueberry  :cheer:  :cheer:

Thank you Moondance! You cheering me on got me reading my post again. It's good for me to see how much I got done not so long ago :)

Today...
1. I did the laundry (after 3 weeks of just...hanging there)
2. I took a shower
3. I got to do 4 hours of homework without feeling tired or being distracted or withing that I wasn't doing homework
4. I washed the dishes earlier and got to have some rest watching the computer

1) I got up when I woke up and I stayed up even though it was much earlier than I'd normally get up in winter (if not at farm ;)  )

2) Have taken my 2 main meds and had breakfast and it's only 7:30 AM :applause:

3) Got some difficult paper work done on finances and it's all packed up ready to go to post office

1. I went out for a jog.
2. I took part in an online course to build my confidence and assertiveness skills.
3. I practised Progressive Muscle Relaxation.

I rescued a bee that was stuck on my window ledge far above the ground by giving it a dandelion I had in a vase. Apparently the nectar gave it enough sustenance to take wing and fly! :)
I don't think I was imagining it since the bee's movements looked more controlled and sprightly after it had spent a minute or two in the flower than the cumbersome lumbering around it had done beforehand.

Recently I rescued an earth-worm. It was in a very shallow puddle but unable to get out. Apparently they can drown. I moved it into the grass instead where it livened up immediately.

In the past few days I've realised what an achievement it was that I turned the old sandbox in this garden/yard into my herb and flower bed :cheer:  :cheer:  :cheer:

For so long, I just couldn't. I was stuck, I couldn't work out how - I have trouble with work involving a number of steps anyway (brain-foggy problems). Now when I look at my herb/flower bed, I realise: Hey, I did it! :cheer:  :)  :) with much more joy and feeling of achievement than in the days immediately afterward!!

1) Two loads of dishes in the dishwasher
2) Did a bunch of pre-washing by hand that I've been putting off for months
3) One laundry load including the pre-washed clothing and then hung it all up
4) Took my anti-deps and had breakfast before occup. T
5) Cycled to occup. T, and got there early even

6) Vacuumed large parts of my apt including attic space and attic stairs, something that has also been waiting months
7) Sitting with my feet in a basin of cold water to cool off for the night
8 ) Have been showering feet and lower legs cold on and off all day, also to cool off
9) Used up various food items for supper tonight, which helps tidy up too
10) Some of food use-up was zucchini from the farm, which I've had for a while, but it's taken me so many days to do some proper cooking again.

11) Various items of emotional progress in occup. T this morning and a painting quite different from my paintings up until now
12) Emptied most of my various refuse bins downstairs, which usually helps me feel that things are flowing again
13) I had a nice phone call today

I own an online support community and within the discussions a certain religious topic came up which is a huge trigger for me. Rather than forcing myself to moderate it, I muted the conversation and asked another moderator to moderate it in my absence.
It's an achievement for me because I have this ingrained notion that as the big boss I should be able to handle anything and everything. Asking anyone else for help makes me feel like I'm a failure, or that I'm not good enough for my work. I still feel like this, even now after I've delegated the task, but at least I did delegate the task... so it's something.

Regards,
Aphotic.

I felt horridly depressed all day. Yet managed to work a full day. Be kind to everyone (colleagues, clients, kid, dad, random strangers). Buy healthy food rather than junkfood. Walk outdoors for half an hour. And buy someone a present, and myself flowers.

I hate myself. Yet I am proud about today. I messed up my past. Yet I did well today.

And yesterday the same! I hated myself, and felt horrible about who I am, yet I cleaned my living room, toilet and kitchen. And the full garden together with a volunteer who helped me. And mothered my child in a way that he reported back as being a fun day. I also did my duties (be in time, text people I needed to text, pay a bill, etc).

Aphotic, that sounds like a big and good self care step.