It became clear to me tonight again that I'm very purposely being targeted by a co-worker, she's being covertly aggressive on a daily basis. I might have the support of my supervisor, he's had concerns about her, but really b/c of the cptsd it's a pile of "little" things that she's done. I know just can't take it anymore. Tonight I'm tearful, had a hard time smiling or feeling any happiness at work and I just want want to tell her I give up, you win. I'll go. I don't want to be where I'm not wanted. She's there 40 hrs per week and clearly doesn't want me there.
When I'm in a little more positive place tomorrow I'll talk w/my boss. She doesn't come in for the next two days so I have a list of possible requests:
Can I have a good reference?...so far he's had nothing but praise for my work including getting employee of the month and an upcoming lateral promotion (next month)
Until I find other work or am transferred, can I always have another staff present when she's around?... I don't have the emotional energy for her attacks, she ignores my hellos, glares, sighs, shuts doors loudly, uses sarcasm and pejorative words, and corrects me several times per day. Mostly when others aren't present.
Can he give the assistant manager a heads up?...this co-worker has been making wrong assumptions about my actions, then telling the assistant manager and coming back to tell me the "correction" to something I never thought, said or did. She interrupts me if I try to advocate for myself.
Can I be transferred to another department?...I like my job and the company, so maybe other places won't have such toxic people. Perhaps graveyard would be the best shift for me. I love the clients, it's the co-worker(s) that cause me such stress.
Can her fire her?...hahaha...I wouldn't say this one, not my role, but I think that it would solve everything for me :) who knows, maybe there'll be divine intervention? I suspect a lot of people would be grateful. But that's probably a pie in the sky dream.
And just in general, what's the point of all of this?...am I meant to learn to cope and stay there? have I reached a boundary that this is too much for my cptsd? A guidance for what is "too much" right now?...I was in a mild EF from about 4pm (she'd left a covert nasty note, correcting something I didn't do, but intended for my eyes only) until about 7:45pm when I finally was able to really focus on my clients....
I took a prescription anti-anxiety med just to get through my shift, I felt relaxed enough to cope, but has that made me more tearful than usual?
I called my T so I'll hopefully get a little guidance tomorrow, but I'm really at my wits end. My heart tells me I just cannot do this anymore...it's too much...like I may need to take a leap of Faith and see where I land next...
I don't really have anyone else...just my T and this forum.
I have a couple of friends that I might call tomorrow, but I'm reluctant to burden them with my drama. Like many here my FOO and many friends cannot provide appropriate emotional support.
Ideas, thoughts, validations?????
Thank you
First off: A BIG cyber hug for you, C.! :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
(Ok, make it three - you deserve them! :yes:)
I didn't want to say it when you mentioned it in your other thread but considering to leave and find another job might be the healthiest option for you in the long run - and in the meantime ask for any help and support from your supervisors you can get (might be less than you hope for but hopefully enough to get you through for now).
I do think that you've got some great ideas already to help protect you from her attacks as much as possible (like never being alone with her, making sure you have witnesses to every conversation and such).
You don't deserve to be her target and you didn't do anything wrong!!!! AT ALL!!!
Another cyber hug just to be on the safe side :hug: and I hope you can think of an activity to help you reset and relax for now (walking, exercising, cleaning - anything to relief some of the hurt and the frustration and the stress this situation causes you).
I'll be thinking of you, and I hope this situation resolves itself soon. This woman sounds like a nightmare. Three more hugs for you! :hug: :bighug: :hug: And one of these :cheer: because you seem to be very clear-sighted in all this, very proactive, very much able to feel your feelings while also coming up with proactive strategies.
More hugs :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
When I spoke to my T about cutting myself off again from my family, she encouraged me to do so. Ultimately, she said that it is important (even key) to surround yourself only with the people that love and/or support you (this means in your job too) -- possibly forever, but at least until you are no longer triggered by their abuse/dysfunction.
In my experience, if you continue to stay, it will put your mental health at risk and it may also put you at risk of being let go if it starts to affect your ability to work (possibly). And if that happens, it may trigger more stuff because losing a job you love can be another trauma. I say this because a similar thing happened to me a few years ago. I loved my job but was working with a few very toxic people and I was targeted. I was eventually fired -- not because I couldn't do my job or didn't do my job well, but because I was becoming emotionally unstable (triggered) due to the stress -- and it was easier for them to get rid of me rather than deal with the problem directly.
The important thing here is self-care. Leaving at a time where you can get an excellent reference and move to an organization that is more supportive of where you are in your life is key to your recovery. Taking that kind of step is really about self-care. You have a right to feel safe in your work environment.
And MORE hugs :hug: and this is me in spirit telling your coworker off :pissed:
I think you have some very reasonable ideas about how to proceed and bravo that you are managing to do so in the midst of all this - sounds like recovery to me :yes: I left several jobs because I didn't know what to do, reached my boiling over point and quit.
One thing you might want to consider before you talk to your manager is to gather info from HR or an equivalent department as to company policy and procedure regarding harassment. This is a form of that IMO but it's best to know what if anything your company deems harassment and if there are any processes in place to handle that.
I suggest this because although your manager may hear how genuinely upset you are and that you are willing to change jobs even you never know what the response will be. Like Lonewolf suggests you want to be careful you don't end up the one being fired because that's the easiest thing to do for the company when there may be a procedure in place that will protect you more (i.e., you lay a complaint against her and the company is obligated to investigate and take action).
Wishing you the best result possible (she disappears in a puff of smoke) :hug:
Thank you so so so so so so much everyone!
I was so tired and medicated last night I was afraid that my post might've sounded a bit "loopy," but in the light of day it simply feels clear.
Thank you for your honesty and acceptance about sensitivity to abuse. It's true, I just cannot be around it right now, possibly ever, again. And I have a chance now to get out while I have good reference. Plus it's true that my work will start to suffer from the stress and increasing EF's. I made a mistake last night that I've never made and it was due to my anxiety. I spilled medication b/c I was nervous and my mind was distracted. I fixed the mistake but it's just the beginning.
I've given some thought to the idea of HR and filing a complaint, but honestly she's smart, it's very covert, and I just don't have the energy to deal with her or a complaint. She does things like not responding to my hello, removing my general notes to staff, writing complaining notes and leaving them when she knows I'm the only one who'll see them, and using a sarcastic/demeaning tone when other staff aren't present. It's real, but it might not affect another person so strongly. The HR person doesn't strike me as very empathetic, educated or emotionally skillful herself. It's a small company too so she probably makes decisions alone. Maybe I'll file a complaint after I'm gone listing out all of the concerns. Then they can decide what to do.
I've made many decisions based on fear of not being able to survive financially, but those have not been the best decisions for me. I have enough to live off of for a few months, I have a good reference, I have good job skills, I'm going to talk w/my supervisor today to give two week notice and see what happens. I still have the written certificate showing employee of the month regardless. I feel an incredible amount of relief with this decision which is a sign in itself.
I feel so grateful right now b/c I think that I'm finally developing the supports that I need to get by with my cptsd. I got support within hours of need here at OOTS, I have two friends with whom I can talk, a good enough T, and Faith. It's a pretty decent start.
So thank you, hugs received and reciprocated all around
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
I was targeted by a bully at work a few years ago. His behaviour triggered me constantly and in an attempt to make it stop, I spoke to his manager. She completely mismanaged the whole affair and made it 10 times worse and I ended up having a serious breakdown. I wasn't able to return to work properly for two years. I made the decision that I loved my job and I wasn't going to let my CPTSD or him push me out of it. Fortunately, he was moved to another office. I don't know if he was still there if I really could have returned. He had visited my office a couple of times and the first time, I literally legged it and hid in the bushes in the garden! The second time I stayed at my desk but had a total dissociative episode. I would love to walk up to him and tell him what an a**ehole he really is but I just can't.
There is nothing worse than someone with authority picking you out as a target. It is the quickest and easiest way to make a person with CPTSD feel like they did as a child, with all of its unsafe connotations. His manager told me that as I was articulate and intelligent, I should be able to manage my manager. But when I have been reduced to my 10 year old self, I am neither intelligent nor articulate and its not actually my job to manage him, it was hers. You have my deepest sympathy C. Workplace bullying can be very traumatic and particularly so if you have a traumatic history.
Unfortunately my experience reinforced my already deeply ingrained belief that you can't trust anybody, which I recognise is not helpful to my recovery. Sometimes we need to stand up to bullys, and sometimes we are not able to. Only you can know what you can manage right now. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you hold onto the fact that the problem is all hers and not yours and all that really matters in the end is you and your health.
Hi-
I am glad to see so many thoughtful and well thought- out responses to this horrible situation. I think that we who struggle with Cptsd issues are not only more sensitive to workplace bullying but also tend to be more frequent targets. I won't go on at length about my own situation but will say that I was a target of three bullies who also happened to be my superiors for two long, miserable years. The irony was that they were also messing other things up so badly that all three ended up being transferred - but not before substantial damage was done to me and four others on our staff (one of whom is now deceased - I'm convinced that even with prior health problems these bullies were the nails In her coffin).
My potentially helpful advice is that anyone experiencing this may want to check out the Workplace Bulling Institute (workplace bullying.org) for more support, resources, and advice.
Hang in there - you quite obviously are not alone but it sure can feel like it when you have to come into contact with these "sub humans" on a daily basis, :hug:
Update - So I feel like a princess who's nobility has been recognized and celebrated ;D
Thanks to all of your kind words and support. Through them I found the strength and eloquence in myself to first of all resign verbally, and then go talk with my boss armed with a long log of her behaviors. The wonderful thing is that he was VERY supportive! He said that he'd been bullied in the past so he understood, that I'd done nothing wrong, asked me to reconsider staying and/or not giving the bully the power by leaving, and if he could type up my list for me to sign so that he can proceed with appropriate administrative follow through.
I decided to not give him a written resignation, signed the document and had a wonderful day at work...I sincerely like the rest of my co-workers and the job itself. My T. also called and left a very helpful message, he seems to know exactly what someone with cptsd needs to hear, that he trusts my decision, that I'm an asset in my job and that taking care of myself first makes sense, even that given the circumstances leaving could be healthier than staying. Something I'd never considered with my pull yourself up and trudge on no matter what type thinking...even when I don't realize that I'm doing that...
So I am again feeling safe, secure and confident in my job. He suggested I simply keep logging on a post it the times I need to be around her when there's an issue/error (about 30 min. per week). No need to talk with her. And that he will remind everyone of the need to show courtesy and respect with one another. I doubt she'll change for long, but now the paper trail about her behavior has begun. And it seems that he fully supports me. He wants me to check in with him regularly and keep him posted as to how she's behaving towards me and others. He said that he wished I'd let him know sooner, but that he understood I didn't because of her threats.
I agree that bullies continue to pick the same types of people so short of delivering newspapers alone in my car I was afraid I was running out of work options since I suspect similar situations could arise again. But by finding support from my increased recovery, OOTS, and my T. I was able to "confront" the situation head on and learn to stand up for myself appropriately.
So that's my happy fairytale ending that I made out of cookie dough and wanted to share with you all here. Thank you :bighug:
:fireworks: :party: :fireworks:
What wonderful news to hear at the end of this day C - congrats!!! You definitely need to go out and do something to celebrate :phoot:
Hahaha ;D Thanks. Yes I do!!!!
Oh CONGRATS C!!!
SO Proud of you! :thumbup:
:hug: :hug:
Your outcome is wonderful news. You acted in such a brave way. Wow! Congrats!
I courtesy to thee, princess C.!
:waveline:
I am so happy for you; for the way you handled the situation and the way it's being handled by your supervisor.
:yourock:
Phew. What a relief. I think even I feel like a weight has dropped off my shoulders, and I wasn't even in your situation. I agree with Kizzie, go celebrate! So glad you're okay. :hug:
You showed INCREDIBLE courage in the face of a most humiliating and triggering situation!! EXCELLENT JOB!!!
:applause:
I'm really pleased for you. What a wonderfully empowering outcome!
Wow! I am so glad everything worked out.
I have had more than one work situation like that and it can really eat away at your insides, keep you up at night, turn on the negative message machine, etc.
The last time this happened to me, I had a bully who would stand outside of my office and say things of a derogatory manner when no one was around to hear him. Who does that???!!! After a few weeks of this randomly happening, I found all of the intestinal strength that I could muster and got IN his face in the break room, asked him if he had a problem with me and if we should take it to HR. He played dumb and looked shocked and stupid but it never happened again. That was SO hard for me, but I sure felt good about it when it was over. I did some research along the way and unfortunately there seems to be little published about bullying at the workplace. Also, he left a few years ago. I outlasted him!
I've found that the dirt settles to the bottom, while the cream rises to the top. :thumbup:
Way to go C.! Thrilled that you took the bull by the horns and experienced such a great outcome!
:cheer:
Yay C :cheer: and Yay Wingnut :cheer:
Thank you everyone for your kind words, encouragement, wisdom and cheers! Your support was a big part of this success at work. It helped me to "see" and respond in a way that was healthy. I know I took the initiative to follow through and I feel better about myself for doing so. I am also noticing more and more when and how we need support from others. I know that the ongoing reciprocity with these types of experiences here affects all of us in a positive way. I feel so happy when I see others takes steps in healing as well. Thanks again. :applause: