Saw this infographic (https://www.nicabm.com/trauma-how-trauma-can-impact-4-types-of-memory-infographic/) about trauma and how it affects four different types of memory on Twitter this morning and thought Id share it. Explains a lot about my interesting memory issues.
Thank you for sharing Kizzie. That resonates with my weird memory issues as well
Thanks for sharing! That's really interesting for me too. My traumas are quite strange in that I hardly forgot anything. I remember tons of stuff that was done to me as a kid including CSA. I didn't fragment it.
Once I started T a couple of decades ago, my semantic memory got worse. I forgot the most basic of facts. It has improved but still not good. My emotional memory has been really badly affected, probably since before I was ever in T. My procedural memory is very bad. That explains why I forget how to do basic things on the computer like a scan a document and then the how-to doesn't return to my brain for 6 weeks or something. The information is completely missing. So that latter point is especially interesting to me.
Yes indeed,
Some of us are prescribed with some drugs that alters memory as well. Music is a great helper, try to use not-triggering music, but good memories music, our memory improves and our mood too.
I just went back to seeing a T yesterday and she talked about how trauma gets stuck in short term memory (STM) rather than being transferred to long term memory (LTM) because of the way brain works to protect us when we are overwhelmed.
Apparently, this is why when those of us with CPTSD are triggered the memory is retrieved from STM and we almost feel as though we were back in the situation. STM keeps it 'fresh' (as though it just occurred when it may have happened decades ago), whereas LTM moves it to a distance and decreases the intensity.
So although I did not have a good experience with EMDR (which is thought to stimulate/aid transfer memories from short to long term memory) a few years back, we are going to give it a try. I hope it helps as I don't want to keep reliving my trauma over and over again. :yes:
Quote from: Blueberry on August 14, 2018, 07:45:26 PM
"That's really interesting for me too. My traumas are quite strange in that I hardly forgot anything. I remember tons of stuff that was done to me as a kid including CSA."
I relate to that strongly. I once wound up talking about embarassing or painful situations in class, with an old school friend. He came up with two or three, then I got going and he stopped me around the twentieth or so. He couldn't believe I remembered all that stuff, I couldn't believe he didn't :blink:
Quote from: Kizzie on August 14, 2018, 05:27:43 PM
Saw this infographic (http://www.nicabm.com/treatingtrauma2017/blog-infographics1/) about trauma and how it affects four different types of memory on Twitter this morning and thought Id share it. Explains a lot about my interesting memory issues.
Hey Kizzie,
I was excited to look at this but it looks like the link is broken now? Is there any other way to view it?
Regards,
Ellis.
Tks for pointing that out Ellis, the link is fixed now.
https://www.nicabm.com/trauma-how-trauma-can-impact-4-types-of-memory-infographic/
All,
I've recently discovered that I carry sensory impressions that I "shouldn't be able to" according to most psychologists. These are vivid, detailed sensory and emotional impressions of completely mundane scenes that date all the way back to age 1.
Where most people find a handful, I happen to carry hundreds. Psychologists say this is improbable due to infantile amnesia; the brain overwrites these memories as the hippocampus develops and even if I do somehow still have them, they're inaccessible due to their lack of context.
I had a minor identity crisis over this conflicting information. Am I crazy? Did I imagine these memories or confabulate them?
I've concluded that no, these memories are absolutely real. My ability to access them is way out of the realm of what is considered possible, but it exists anyway.
I now have a working theory of why I have this odd ability: The onset of dissociative amnesia coupled with the age at which it occurred.
My first traumatic experience occurred at almost exactly age 3. A DV event (Dad's suddenly gone and mom's suddenly hurt), then hiding (home is gone), then chronic child abuse from our babysitter (Mom is gone), leading to being taken away into foster care (separated immediately from my siblings).
This caused proximal dissociative amnesia as all memories of my family and home were quarantined.
The important part is that it happened right around my 3rd birthday. The early memories that should have been overwritten remained because they had been protected by the vault.
My memories associated with my family remained sequestered until I was reunited with them.
I wasn't reunited with my sister until late age 6; long after infantile amnesia ends for most people.
Thus, my early sensory impressions remained in place.
The reason I'm able to retrieve them is because I suffer from generalized dissociative amnesia. Many of my memories are formed with incomplete context and I've had to go back and examine/ contextualize them after the fact, stitching them into a coherent timeline.
The process works the same way for these earliest memories as well. In fact, those snapshots are in the same disorganized pile as all the rest.
So if you can do this too, you're not crazy and you're not alone. "Impossible for the average person" </> "Impossible".
Best,
-Slashy
The reading I have been doing about memory deals with right brain and left brain. (It is actually in a book about accessing the right brain for artistic purposes but I was happy to find out how much neuroscience is in it. And this has caused me to do a bit more digging online about the subject.) The purpose of the art book is to suggest ways we can engage the creative right brain and bypass the left brain, because the left brain is not at all interested in the nuances of what we see. It is only interested in the practical ramifications.
Anyway, what happens in infancy, apparently, is that our right brain encodes all the early memories. The left brain does not start to come online until the age of about 3, after which it gradually becomes more dominant. As I understand it, it's not that the early memories are overwritten, so much as filed in a place we don't have logical access to. Once we become left brain dominant, which is necessary for our practical processes of living, language, understanding of linear time and what have you, we rely on the left brain filing system and can't access right brain information easily. So Slashy's description of a disorganised pile of snapshots makes total sense to me. What seems unusual about Slashy's experience is that he is more able than many of us to access (and maybe then to decode) right brain memories.
One of the reasons that EFs can be so hard for many of us to make sense of is because they are essentially a right brain flashback. The right brain has encoded the emotion rather than specific visual information and certainly not language information if the memory is pre-verbal or before much left brain involvement.
Quote from: NarcKiddo on February 22, 2026, 12:09:29 PMOne of the reasons that EFs can be so hard for many of us to make sense of is because they are essentially a right brain flashback. The right brain has encoded the emotion rather than specific visual information and certainly not language information if the memory is pre-verbal or before much left brain involvement.
Such :lightbulb: information for me that I'm quoting it here for myself! Thanks
NK and
Slashy too for having started this particular conversation.
NarcKiddo,
The right brain has encoded the emotion rather than specific visual information and certainly not language information if the memory is pre-verbal or before much left brain involvement.
I'm not sure how the theory works, but in my case I have many emotion- only flashbacks and I don't really count those as memory fragments. My sensory impression fragments include all of the above. Sights, sounds, emotions. Language comprehension is absent in the earliest one. My parents are talking and I hear their voices, but I don't understand what they're saying. The rest include not only the words said, but the sound of the voices speaking them. They are extremely vivid and detailed.
What they are missing is any context or personal narrative. There is no sense of "this is where I was, this is what I was doing, this is what was going on". It's just a snapshot of the experience.
Best,
-Slashy
Very interested in this conversation about memory. What is the CPTSD explanation for the various memory problems?
My explanation has been that I'm often preoccupied with traumatic material, or my attention is derailed by traumatic material, or having an emotional flashback, so I can't focus. And maybe that's why some things don't get encoded in the first place, even neutral and recent things, because my attention is elsewhere, as if I have tunnel vision and am trying to survive.
thoughts/resources?
Well...
The two major flavors as I understand them are proximal amnesia and generalized dissociative amnesia.
"Proximal amnesia" is simply the walling off of memories of traumatic events. Periods of time surrounding specific events that you have no recall of whatsoever. Pretty much everyone with cPTSD will have some experience with this. Flashbacks, blank spots in memory, triggers, etc.
A rarer memory problem is "generalized dissociative amnesia". It occurs when you form memories in a dissociated state and they're not fully contextualized or missing narrative. You remember things, but they're kinda jumbled, the dates are wrong, you don't know what else was going on at the time, etc. Things just sorta happened in a blur. You're really bad with names, remembering where you lived when, etc.
Any period where you were living in a dissociated state will be affected by this contextual and narrative "fog".
Since I've lived most of my life in a dissociated state, most of my memories are affected by this.
Infantile amnesia is what happens in almost all children where they lose their earliest memories due to natural brain development.
What we're talking about is how dissociative amnesia at just the right (or wrong) time seems to have an ability to disrupt the process of infantile amnesia. This phenomenon is highly debated in psychology circles.
What you seem to be talking about (assuming I understand you) is dissociation. That, in and of itself, is a survival mechanism. You're detached, an observer, or as you describe it "tunnel vision".
If it's just thoughts on trauma that are distracting you, then it may be just that. But if this is a chronic thing and you can't even recall what you were thinking about or if you were thinking about anything at all, it's possibly dissociation.
HTHs,
-Slashy
Thank you for your perspective. It's important to me to understand this and I can read about it but it's much more helpful to hear what other people with CPTSD have experienced themselves.
Maybe it's dissociation. I always feel like "myself," even if I feel like I'm only one part of me without access to the rest of me, or if I feel like I'm in one mode (ie, FightModeHannahOne, or ScaredFlightModeHannahOne). So for me dissociation is not like "I'm someone else" it's like "I'm not here."
In general I remember my life and did not repress it or have amnesia of it. But. While I think I remember my life, I mean, I don't know what I don't know---it also seems I don't remember some events, even recent neutral ones. Kids or partner will mention a time we did X Y Z and I don't remember. Sometimes they can jog my memory but mostly not.
And for much of my life I often don't have a "felt sense" of that experience, even neutral and happy experiences. I remember what happened but don't feel like it was connected to me, don't have the feelings about it.
Yet I have a "photographic" memory and was an excellent student, can read and edit a book very quickly. It's just once I close the book, it's gone. I remember very early moments in my life and many moments vividly....
I don't remember movies I watch, if I've read a certain book, or if I've eaten at a certain restaurant. I don't remember places, I easily become disoriented and derealize while driving and have to use a GPS even to go short distances. In the moment I seem to have trouble tracking sometimes, sometimes I have to ask "what did you just say?" "What was I just doing?" "What did I just say?" Some of that might be midlife aging, general distraction?
Sometimes I don't remember my thinking as to why I did something, why would I think I wanted to take that class? Why did I plan to go to the store, I dont even like that store.
I don't know how much of what might be dissociation. And can dissociation be "I'm not all here"? Is that what it's like?
Hannah,
"I don't know how much of what might be dissociation. And can dissociation be "I'm not all here"? Is that what it's like?"
I had a heck of a time grasping the concept of "dissociation" myself because I've been dissociated most of my life. They always try to explain it in terms of comparison to not dissociated, which didn't do me much good.
I'm an extreme case, so I'm the wrong person to ask. :Idunno:
I don't know how much of what might be dissociation. And can dissociation be "I'm not all here?"
Fundamentally, yes. That's at the core of what dissociation is; living life on autopilot and not being present in the moment. But whether it's what you're dealing with, I have no idea.
Is that what it's like?
Not for me, no. But as I said, I'm an extreme case who's dissociated most of the time. I experience it as the damage that it's caused. Disjointed memories and alienated sense of "self". Sometimes I feel like a spectator following "me" around and documenting "my" life without any active participation. I can't look into my own eyes in a mirror or take a selfie without feeling unsettled.
I spend a lot of time obsessively trying to piece together my muddled memories. *HERE*! *This* little detail in this memory is something I can look up, put a date to, find some context.
That's what it feels like for me, but for most it's not that bad.
Best,
-Slashy
Haha, I agree, they try to explain it as opposed to "not dissociated." Which hasn't helped.
I see what you mean about experiencing dissociation as the damage that it's caused, difficulty with sense of self.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am going to keep looking into it. It's difficult to understand one's own phenomenology... by definition what I experience is "normal" to me. It helps to compare it to other people's experience of what dissociation _is_ for them.
Your descriptions were very clear and thought-provoking, even where they don't line up exactly with my own experience. Reading them sparked my curiosity. I hope it's okay to share a summary of what I think I understood from looking into memory and CPTSD - offered loosely as "take what fits, leave the rest." 🙂
Many people with trauma histories describe dissociation not as "becoming someone else," but as a sense of not being fully here - detached, foggy, or partially offline while still feeling like themselves.
This kind of description often comes up alongside experiences like being present enough to function in the moment, but later not remembering everyday events or conversations, or forgetting why certain plans or decisions were made.
In clinical definitions, dissociation includes experiences such as depersonalization and derealization - feeling detached from oneself and/or from surroundings - while identity and reality testing remain intact.
Dissociation can therefore be experienced more as absence or blankness than as feeling like a different person. Descriptions such as "I'm not here" or "only part of me is online" are consistent with dissociative phenomena, even when someone otherwise feels like themselves and remembers their life overall.
Trauma research also distinguishes between different memory systems, often described in broad terms as narrative or autobiographical memory (facts and events) and sensory-emotional or implicit memory (felt sense, emotion, bodily response). Under stress, these systems may be poorly integrated. This can look like remembering what happened without feeling connected to it, noticing that neutral or even positive experiences don't seem to "stick," or having strong intellectual or academic memory alongside gaps in everyday recall. This pattern is different from repression or global amnesia; the information may exist, but it wasn't encoded or integrated in a way that makes it easily retrievable later.
Research in neuroscience and psychology also describes state-dependent memory, meaning recall can vary depending on whether the internal state at retrieval matches the state at encoding. In everyday life, this can show up as decisions made in one state that don't make sense later, forgetting the reasoning behind plans or actions, or intentions and motivations feeling disconnected from the present self. The memory itself may still exist, but access to it can depend on internal state.
Clinical literature on dissociation and depersonalization also notes that dissociative experiences can occur alongside intact reality testing and strong cognitive functioning. Many people show high academic or professional performance, strong verbal or analytical skills, and efficient information processing, while still experiencing gaps in presence or embodiment, uneven continuity of experience, or difficulty staying oriented to everyday activities or environments. This reflects uneven impact across systems, not contradiction or lack of insight.
Seen this way, these patterns can help shift the question from "What's wrong with me?" to "How did my system learn to function under long-term stress?"
:hug:
My dissociation is very much "I'm not all here" as opposed to being taken over completely by a different part, which I understand can happen in people with DID. Fro me the left brain/right brain split makes sense in connection with my dissociation. My left brain continues with the functional activities of resembling a normal and capable human adult. I am able to respond apparently normally and appropriately - but can barely remember afterwards what was going on. The one time I actively know I dissociated during a therapy session is a case in point. I felt the dissociation starting and told my T. We did what we thought was enough to bring adult NK fully back, but it didn't happen. My T kept checking in that I was fully present and I lied convincingly. What I remember of the session was the experience of being there but not there, but I instantly and completely forgot the content when I went to write it up immediately after the session. It is possible T may have noticed more if our sessions were in person rather than Zoom, but I kind of doubt it.
Like Hannah I have a very good short term academic memory and was quite easily able to retain enough knowledge to pass exams at a decent grade, only to forget it all afterwards. Although that is actually not quite fair because I now find myself remembering quite a lot of random information from my schooldays that has been firmly buried for years. I think I dissociated through most of my time at boarding school so whatever memories were being formed were locked down, whether academic or not, I suppose. My academic progress stalled noticeably when the subjects I took stopped being "learn the right answer and you will pass" to "what do you think about this? or How would you apply the knowledge to this situation?"
I actually kind of like situations where I can dissociate more fully without having to appear functional. Which probably sounds weird. But I had to have some MRI scans a while back. The first one was difficult because I dissociated to get through it. However they had put headphones on me with a radio station and I found it bothersome because of the voice of the announcer cutting in periodically. I dissociated more to get rid of the voice and then found myself totally ignoring instructions from the MRI operator, who was getting a bit stressed by my lack of response. The next time I refused any music or radio, which meant I could just float around in dissociation knowing that any voice I heard would require a response. It was much easier and actually quite relaxing.
TheBigBlue,
Yeah, that all seems to check out. While my personal autobiographical memories are a box full of random puzzle pieces from different puzzles (with some deliberately locked away), it never impacted my intellectual pursuits or ability to maintain and access an encyclopedic memory of scientific, technical, or historic facts. That stuff is all neatly organized on the shelves and cross- referenced in the card catalog.
Best,
-Slashy
This is an interesting thread. I commented elsewhere that I feel like I had more than an photographic memory where I was able to "rewind time" until an incident of abuse from my m that didn't have any context for me. This was around the age of 7 I think. Now, I think I operate with things in boxes, that are sort of compartmentalized from each other, and I won't always remember doing something, or my interest in something, and it's more like a process of "moving forward" (maybe getting on with it) if that makes sense.
I'm reading a book called Mother Hunger right now and she talks a bit about brain development and memory.
For those of you interested in the brain, you may already know how stress impacts the temporal lobe—specifically the amygdala and hippocampus. Stress irritates the functioning of the amygdala, where empathy develops. Cortisol poisons the hippocampus, which makes sense of incoming data and memory processing. The brain is adapting, keeping the necessary biological processes going, like our heartbeat and breathing, but filtering out less critical processes, like memory and empathy. During a stressful event or moment, the brain literally ignores information secondary to survival.
(p. 158)
It must compartmentalize fear somewhere outside your consciousness so that bonding can happen. Over time, the brain shrinks danger signals, like a mother's shrill voice or furrowed brow, so you can tolerate her proximity. Pruning alters perception and protects you when you are small and dependent, but over time, your innate ability to detect or discern risky situations is twisted. In this way, neuroception is altered, which is why exposure to early betrayal puts you at a greater risk of further victimization. Maternal abuse is a devastating betrayal because not only do you miss out on essential nurturance, protection, and guidance, but your neuroception and protective instincts are also damaged. Since you are adapted to danger, situations that would frighten a regular person don't raise a red flag for you.
(p. 159)
Earning secure attachment comes from replacing the three essential maternal elements that you didn't have. To help your brain do this, you need a sense of history. How did you get here? Think back to your earliest memories with your mother. Was she affectionate with you? Could you rely on her when you were afraid? Do you think she was happy? Did she inspire you? Learning your story puts you in touch with the missing pieces so you can put them back together. With a story that explains your behavior and your feelings, energy for new decisions, dreams, and goals appears. Renewed focus is a sign that your attachment style is healing. Healing happens by knowing what you didn't have so you can fill your empty spirit with the right ingredients. We simply can't change what we don't know. Knowing happens in two ways: cognitively and emotionally. Reading and learning about Mother Hunger is cognitive. This is your left brain in action. Cognitive awareness is the first step. But to create lasting change, you must feel the wound—the sickening emptiness that yearns to be nurtured, protected, or guided. Most of us can't feel this pain without help. After a lifetime of protecting ourselves, the brain simply won't let go unless we are safe and supported.
McDaniel, Kelly. Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance (pp. 168-169). (Function). Kindle Edition.
Perhaps acute experiences affect the brain and memory in a different way than repeated actions over time? I also thought the part about needing to go back and remember your history with your mother as a step to healing was interesting. I feel bodily, and mentally this is something I'm quite resistant to do.
Hi Dollyvee,
This is an interesting passage, and I can see why it resonates. There is solid evidence that chronic stress affects hippocampal-dependent memory processing and amygdala reactivity, and that early attachment contexts shape later neuroception and threat detection. On that level, the neuroscience itself isn't controversial.
At the same time, for me, I notice a strong internal resistance to how this section frames healing. From both my experience and what I understand from trauma research, the implied sequence:
- go back
- remember
- feel the wound
- then heal
isn't universal.
I've done a lot of historical reconstruction over the past year, and while that was crucial at certain points, I also reached a stage where adding more memory detail stopped changing meaning. What mattered more was understanding patterns and long-term adaptations, especially around parentification and asymmetric attachment injury (horizontal enmeshment, self-erasure).
That's where this framing feels a bit too simplified to me. It focuses largely on deprivation (what was missing), which may not fully capture developmental/relational injuries, e.g. those that are rooted in emotional overuse or responsibility for a parent. Those conditions shape the nervous system differently, and "going back to feel what I didn't get" can sometimes feel less clarifying than invasive.
I can absolutely see how this model might be deeply validating and helpful for others. I just wanted to add that there may be multiple valid paths through this work, and that the resistance I notice in myself can sometimes be information rather than blockage. :bigwink:
:hug:
Hi TBB,
I get what you're saying and glad you found something that works for you. I think the paragraph is a simplified version as well perhaps. However, I also think that people can function fully from the intellect where the underlying trauma is never dealt with precisely because it is never felt. Ingrid Clayton makes a good case for this in Fawning where she says that she managed to get a PHD in psychology, but never touched on her own trauma until she started doing somatic work.
What I do think she gets right is that one needs help and the brain isn't going to let go without being safe and supported. To me, that is the tricky part where the unearthing and layers come in, at least for me because it takes a lot of work to understand what I really need. I spent years at the therapist before I tried IFS, which actually felt like it was the first thing to bring me in direct contact with my emotions. I have basically been living my entire life in my head and it's very easy to continue to do that, but I don't think it's healing. Of course, just diving in and feeling things can be retraumatizing, which is why I think the safe and supported part is paramount.
dolly
Quote from: TheBigBlue on February 23, 2026, 06:23:31 PMThat's where this framing feels a bit too simplified to me. It focuses largely on deprivation (what was missing), which may not fully capture developmental/relational injuries, e.g. those that are rooted in emotional overuse or responsibility for a parent. Those conditions shape the nervous system differently, and "going back to feel what I didn't get" can sometimes feel less clarifying than invasive.
That hits the mark with me. I can go back and ponder an astonishing long way, but doing so is highly upsetting. It skyrockets my anxiety because my subconscious doesn't like me poking around too much.
I've done a lot of historical reconstruction over the past year, and while that was crucial at certain points, I also reached a stage where adding more memory detail stopped changing meaning. Preach it!!
I'm not quite at the point yet where adding details to the timeline has stopped changing meaning. I just have to learn when to take a break so I don't get overwhelmed.
Best,
-Slashy
I just want to add that a street address is a wonderful tool for rekindling lost memories. Plug it into Google maps, go to street view, and and look at the house from various angles. It will rekindle all sorts of memories.
In my case, it was also useful in reverse. Confirming or refuting speculative addresses of places that were crystal clear in my mind's eye, but I didn't have a precise address for. "The body remembers". It's how I was able to find my foster parents' house (it was RFD when I was there) and my precise unit and apartment in Northview Heights in 1972. Additionally, it sparked recall of places that I had no previous memory of or had forgotten/ confabulated into different locations.
Street view. Look at the house. Wander the neighborhood. If you were there, you will remember. If you weren't there, you will instantly know.
Best,
-Slashy
Quote from: NarcKiddo on February 23, 2026, 12:01:11 PMMy dissociation is very much "I'm not all here" as opposed to being taken over completely by a different part, which I understand can happen in people with DID.
NarcKiddo,
As I keep trying to explain, the one has nothing to do with the other. It isn't a case of "DID". "being taken over" isn't part of my experience. There's no split personality or competing egos at work here. This is not "Fight Club". I am not Ed Norton vs. Brad Pitt.
What I'm *saying* is that a lifetime of disassociated memories with chaotic (or absent) context has left me without a solid sense of "self". "I" in the autobiographical sense am the sum of my experiences. I am certain of the experiences themselves, but not the chronological order or the narrative.
I never feel like sometimes I'm "someone else". I just always feel like I don't quite know who "I" am because my autobiography is so wonky.
It's a very subtle distinction.
Hope this helps and I'll keep explaining until I come across.
Best,
-Slashy
I understand your distinction, Slashy. I also never feel like I'm someone else. A lot of my work in and around therapy is trying to find ways of finding out who I am. Even just such basic things as what I like and what I don't like and whether it's ok to be unsure about something for a while. A big point of difference, though, is that I don't think plugging the holes (such as they are) in my biographical narrative would do much to help me find "me". But you have a much more disjointed experience to work with, to put it mildly.
Just as we are all unique, so our experiences of dissociation are never going to be identical. There will be similarities. Someone could probably attempt to do a Venn diagram of it - although I think they would need a massive piece of paper!
Quote from: NarcKiddo on March 01, 2026, 11:42:42 AMJust as we are all unique, so our experiences of dissociation are never going to be identical.
This is my understanding of dissociation NK — that it exists on a spectrum from day dreaming to DID and everyone experiences that uniquely.
Thanks for sharing
What happened to me is not normal, even for survivors of extreme childhood trauma. Dissociation is supposed to cause amnesia, not preserve memories that should have disappeared.
From spring '72 onward, I was a baby with a GoPro. I recorded all of it and have access to the footage.
Science has no explanation for this. I'm an anomaly; a "freak".
I contacted a specialist in this matter (Nicholas Turke-Brown at Yale) and offered myself up as a "guinea pig" of sorts. Understanding the mechanism that caused this may lead to a better model of human brain development.
I found this ability supremely useful or even critical in my research of my past, but I personally find it unsettling.
My sister seems to take comfort in it. We don't have a family photo album anymore, so she relies on me to describe events when we were together.
I now more fully understand what happened to me. My case is so "edge" that I'm not sure if it's even worthy of further study.
I was broken at the exact moment that I was supposed to start forming narrative memories. As a result, not only did I not overwrite the baby footage, I *continued recording*! :aaauuugh:
I don't know *how* to record memories like a normal person. All of my memories are photo- accurate and insanely detailed raw data, but they lack any metadata. No context, no date stamp, no personalization.
I don't suffer from generalized dissociative amnesia. I suffer from verdical eidetic recall. :fallingbricks:
I am afflicted with "Toddler memory". I'm an adult who never evolved to remember as normal adults do. It's not HSAM. It's not "photographic memory". It's not "generalized dissociative amnesia". It's the opposite of "infantile amnesia".
Every memory is an "impression", just like a baby would form it. As far as I can tell this condition is so atypical that neurologists are seemingly unaware of it, but the perfect storm of trauma and age is so common that it should be more widely recognized.
Not only do I have to make sense of every memory I have, but I will have to make sense of every memory I will ever form for the rest of my life.
This is a lot to contend with.
-Slashy