Two days ago I re-injured my left knee which means I'm in pain, can't walk stairs, run, or play. One thing I'm aware of is that Cptsd has made it much more difficult for me to: feel good and have fun. I think non-traumatized nervous systems can much more easily enjoy things, feel well, feel happy, have fun. For me, I almost primarily feel those things through some form of athletic activity. So having on-going issues with my knees is not only painful, disappointing, limiting and expensive - it feels like it takes away my access to fun, happiness, joy, healthy pleasure.
I'm doing my best to fend off the inevitable depression that descends whenever I experience another setback with my knees. It's hard. If I was able to experience fun, joy, etc. in non-athletic ways I could turn to those in these times. I'm a freeze type so I certainly know how to lay in bed and vid out/numb out. I want to stay present and continue living, but the wind has really been taken out of my sails and I'm in the doldrums.
I have plans to be with a friend who I enjoy physical activities with this afternoon, but I'm thinking of cancelling because being with him and not being able to do the things we enjoy doing together makes me feel sadder. He's really my only available friend at this point so backing away from him doesn't feel great either.
This "knees" saga is going to last for awhile. I have an appointment with a knee surgeon at the end of April. I will be starting to work with a new physical therapist next Friday. It's inevitable that I will continue to experience setbacks and disablements on the long road of knee surgery/rehabilitation. I thought I'd start this thread so I can write to people who care and understand the pain of being disabled, of having what feels like limited access to joy/happiness, who know what it's like to feel extra-challenged in the living of life. You all may get really weary of hearing about my on-going knee saga. Still, it feels somewhat better to write about it.
So few things feel enjoyable to me - all of them physical. Feel free to share what makes you'all experience fun, joy that are non-athletic. Thank you! :hug:
Oh my, Rrecovery. I'm so sorry to hear that. Such a setback. :hug: I hope you're not in any pain, and I also hope that you'll find something to do with your friend that works for both of you.
I remember when I was in therapy for PTSD. My T dutifully went through the motions. Item one on her list: resource work. She said I was to do things that give me energy and that are fun. I was then expected to go and do those things. It left me looking more or less like this: :blink: . Fun. Huh. Yes, I knew how to spell it. In several languages, even! But... doing it? Hm. But okay. Fun, here I come. Hi-ho, watch Cat have fun. With... fun things. Uh. I sat down and tried to think. What DO I have fun doing? Reading foreign-language newspapers. But only when I'm feeling okay. When I'm down, they're no good. Same goes for anything else. Painting. Music. Writing. Long walks. Travelling. Movies. I'm having fun IF and AS LONG AS my CPTSD is manageable. If it isn't, it's bye-bye, fun.
Bottom line:
Therapist's theory: Feel down ==> have fun ==> feel alright.
Cat's practical experience: Feel down in a CPTSD kind of way ==> manage flashbacks while trying to also do things that keep me from feeling worse (drink enough water, exercize, eat proper food, have a conversation with a person who is older than twelve) ==> fail ==> try again ==> repeat as necessary until I get a little better and simply just feel the normal kind of down ==> have fun ==> feel alright.
So it's absolutely counter-intuitive, but sometimes when I'm feeling down, the best thing to do is move towards the down-feeling and not away from it. I'm now well enough that I can confront my past without nosediving too hard. Grieving, or journaling, or just remembering where I felt that particular feeling before... sometimes it works wonders. It's like waking up and feeling alive again. -- But like I said, that works sometimes and not always, and it's my own experience at this moment in time, not something general that works for everybody at all times.
Also, I hope you're not living in a house with too many staircases.
R-
Yes, it's quite a blow you have been dealt which affects you so very deeply. Although I have been injured and had to postpone running races - my favorite form of activity over the past 6 or so years- the biggest blow occurred in 1998 when I injured my shoulder so badly that my ability to feel my left fingers put a virtual end to playing the violin. The violin was everything to me - played since age 8, got my bachelor's degree in music, taught music, played in orchestras. I tried many therapies and got a tiny bit better but to this day can't properly enjoy playing music.
Injuries happen for all sorts of reasons. For me, I truly believe that the injury happened at a time when I was being triggered by a circumstance which mirrored a terrible time from young adulthood and it was just too much to handle. Just the other day I equated playing violin to seeking a core or center outside of myself, one of the several places I have traditionally sought "me"- including overachievement in school, etc. I am hoping that along with the bodywork I am now undergoing, this new understanding of being "enough " without achievements may free me and let me play once more.
As far as what I do now to feel connected and happy - other than running, I cook, write short stories and poetry, read when I have time, and would love to learn more about native wildflowers and trees. I donate blood. I work on my own mental and emotional health. I have made a couple of new friends and have coffee with them. Just lots of little things
Quote from: schrödinger's cat on April 03, 2015, 03:40:47 PM
Cat's practical experience: Feel down in a CPTSD kind of way ==> manage flashbacks while trying to also do things that keep me from feeling worse (drink enough water, exercize, eat proper food, have a conversation with a person who is older than twelve) ==> fail ==> try again ==> repeat as necessary until I get a little better and simply just feel the normal kind of down ==> have fun ==> feel alright.
Thank you so much SC :wave: This was extremely helpful. I tried it and it worked. I did not become depressed ;D I cancelled with my friend so I could focus my energy on self-care and rest. I had what turned out to be a lovely healing day. I spent a lot of it reading a book I had been reading very slowly because I hadn't been taking the time to slow down and relax enough to read for a protracted amount of time. Your care and wisdom helped so much. It also helped me to remember that reading is something I enjoy and find enriching - something to enjoy when I can't be athletic - or perhaps even when I can. Thank you :hug:
Quote from: Jdog on April 03, 2015, 05:21:22 PM
Yes, it's quite a blow you have been dealt which affects you so very deeply. Although I have been injured and had to postpone running races - my favorite form of activity over the past 6 or so years- the biggest blow occurred in 1998 when I injured my shoulder so badly that my ability to feel my left fingers put a virtual end to playing the violin. The violin was everything to me - played since age 8, got my bachelor's degree in music, taught music, played in orchestras. I tried many therapies and got a tiny bit better but to this day can't properly enjoy playing music.
Hi Jdog, thank you for your kindness and understanding. My heart goes out to you regarding the loss of the ability to play the violin. I am also a musician and had an injury that prevented me from playing for 3 years - it was everything to me as well. I understand the profound loss that you speak of. I hope that your ability to play returns to you.
Quote from: Jdog on April 03, 2015, 05:21:22 PM
Injuries happen for all sorts of reasons. For me, I truly believe that the injury happened at a time when I was being triggered by a circumstance which mirrored a terrible time from young adulthood and it was just too much to handle. Just the other day I equated playing violin to seeking a core or center outside of myself, one of the several places I have traditionally sought "me"- including overachievement in school, etc. I am hoping that along with the bodywork I am now undergoing, this new understanding of being "enough " without achievements may free me and let me play once more.
As far as what I do now to feel connected and happy - other than running, I cook, write short stories and poetry, read when I have time, and would love to learn more about native wildflowers and trees. I donate blood. I work on my own mental and emotional health. I have made a couple of new friends and have coffee with them. Just lots of little things
Each time I am injured and can't do something that I love to do I have experienced growth; I developed very important parts of myself - usually around being able to connect in a deeper, more meaningful way with myself and others. It's good to be reminded of this. I appreciate your list of other activities. Yesterday I remembered how exquisite it is to curl up with a good book. I can also play and listen to music, write, cultivate friendships :hug:
R-
I am glad to know that you found some ways to enjoy your alone time as well as remembering things that bring you satisfaction when you are unable to be athletic. So very challenging, these "in between" times....you sound like a remarkable and accomplished person with many talents and abilities.
Enjoy your reconnection with self and others.
Hello!
Wishing you all the best with your recovery. It's really hard to recover from a physical and psychological wound at the same time. I'm glad to hear you found some lovely books, and I hope you're back on your feet again soon!
:hug:
Thank you WF for your lovely well wishes :hug:
I met with my new physical therapist on Friday and I feel VERY encouraged ;D The first PT found me to have excellent strength and excellent flexibility - in other words, did not find a/the problem. This new PT has found muscles that need to be strengthened and some that need to be stretched YAY! :applause: The new program is challenging and painful - good - it's doing something. This PT said I definitely won't need a knee replacement, perhaps arthroscopic surgery to shave damaged cartilage, but maybe not. Either way she sees me returning to my sport ;D
Fantastic news!! :party:
I am glad for you!
Sandals and Jdog thank you! :hug:
Great news!! :yes:
Thank you ;D :hug:
What wonderful news! I'm really happy for you! :waveline:
Thank you so much! ;D :hug:
Great news Rrecovery! :thumbup:
The PT I'm doing takes about 13 hours per week and is difficult and painful. It's also stressful because I'm having to re-learn how to do simple things like sitting down with both legs/knees. Interesting how difficult and stressful it is to relearn basic skills.
All this is normal for PT of course, but the Cptsd adds an element of feeling overwhelmed and overburdened - "life is too difficult" - a core traumatic belief I struggle with. I'm not depressed which is great. Having this place of connection and support helps a lot. Understanding the difference between what is happening and the traumatic interpretation helps too.
I've had some social opportunities come up and don't feel I have the time or energy right now. Causes me to feel isolated. I want to stay focused on the real possibility of no longer being disabled. I'm open to prayers and sending white light ;)
Hey there Rr-
I send you white light and healing energy as you recover and learn to do what used to come naturally. Having Cptsd does add a level of difficulty for us- I got triggered while organizing an event due to the nature of abuse I experienced earlier in life and have been coming out of the somatic symptoms for a few days. Take good care of you!!
Thank you Jdog :hug: Happy to send you white light, healing light for relief from physical and emotional suffering. Appreciate your support.
I'm feeling so depressed and discouraged. Every time the PT process gets to doing some squats my knee gets re-triggered and I'm back to square one - pain and disabled, can't walk stairs (and I have to negotiate stairs all day every day) can't run, kneel, do yoga, do sports, hike where there are any inclines. This has been going on for almost 6 months now. It's so hard going through this as someone with Cptsd and already super-prone towards depression. There are little bits of hope followed by more setbacks. I just feel so depressed and disappointed and angry. I don't want to be depressed, it doesn't help, but I can't seem to fend it off. My life has been so difficult, with so much burden and difficulty. Perhaps it's the "it feels hopeless, there's NOTHING I can do" aspect that's triggering me. I have been doing 2 hours of PT 7 days a week. Still, it doesn't change things, I'm trapped in this mess even though I'm doing everything I can to change things. I guess this is the Cptsd part - overwhelmed with no hope of escape. I know this is a process and there will be a resolution eventually, but meanwhile it feels beyond awful to be disabled all the time.
I know this is just a rant. Sorry so negative. Just trying to help myself out of this dark place and posting here definitely helps. Thank you for reading this :hug:
Rrecovery-
I am so sorry this s$$tload of agony is front and center for you now! Cptsd makes present injuries doubly hard since things get triggered and it's like trying to staunch many wounds at once. Nothing I have to say can change that, but if you remember that you are deserving of great kindness and self respect and try to find just ONE thing to do that makes you feel better, maybe you can slow down the onslaught somewhat. Depression sucks, and I myself can only take baby steps in coming out of it when it strikes. There is nothing you can do physically at this moment that will alter what your body is doing, so look elsewhere if you can. What you are feeling is a rational response to these great difficulties, and fighting it off isn't much use as it means you will just have to feel it all later.
So feel your feelings, hen find just one thing to do that is wonderful for you. Sorry I don't have more to offer, but I trust that healing will occur. You deserve for that to happen.
Hi Jdog, What a lovely, wise, warm and nurturing response :yes: Thank you!! I agree with everything you said. I am coming out of the depression. You're so right, feeling the feelings (and not freezing) is the way to go. I also saw my T and prayed and was able to do a little half-a**ed meditation. I just kept in mind that depression (which for me is a kind of giving up) is not helpful for me; it just causes more suffering. One thing that helps too is to hit it chemically - I take extra 5-HTP and also Kava Kava. I find that to chemically improve my mood helps to come out of a depression "skid" and see beyond it. I called my surgeon, he can't get me in any earlier than May 20. Emailed my PT, she hasn't responded. Looking on the bright side, I'll get a break from this 2hours a day, 7 days a week PT and have time for other things again.
As far as pulling out of the EF, I had to change the belief, "Life is always looking to hurt and sabotage me, there's no hope" to "I am no more prone to difficulties than anyone else, even though I had a rougher that usual beginning. Athletes get injured. I am aging and physical issues are part of that process for everyone. I can use this situation to grow more resilient in the face of it."
I so appreciate being able to post here and to receive responses from caring, wise people like YOU :hug:
Rr-
I am very glad you were able to access some good tools, both within yourself and in the world. In the end, it is all such a daily commitment to self care and constant matter of challenging beliefs that maybe don't serve us as well as we need them to serve.
Thanks for the very kind words as well. I am glad to offer anything that may be of help as you continue on your healing journey.
Rr, I'm in awe of your perseverance! There is always so much focus on end goals and so little on the journey. How do you feel when you look at your journey, what do you see? I see a strong warrior, relentlessly pursuing the path, and each day rising to push forward.
Hi Sandals, Thank you so much ;D I'm amazed at all of us, our perseverance. I feel like I've had to push hard all my life to try to go about the business of living AND recovering from such profound mental/emotional/social/relational injuries, at the same time. I think this has disposed me to pushing too hard towards my goals and not do so well at being present and accepting of the present moment. I've believed (rightly) that things were not okay for so long, that I find it hard to ever believe/feel things are okay. The warrior in me is a force to be reckoned with, for sure. Right now my warrior is rebelling so hard against my latest setback with my knees. I have this low-level despair and not-okay-ness constantly. I haven't been able to meditate worth a darn. I think I need a sitdown with my warrior to make it clear that what I want more than anything is to feel and be okay whatever may be happening in my life.
On Friday I was lying in bed and I laid one leg bent across the other and BAM my other "good" knee got triggered. Now I have two knees I can't walk stairs with. Also, this means that neither knee responded well-enough to PT and I'm looking at 2 knee surgeries to become fully able again. I've been in a EF since then. No matter how "good" I am, I "get hurt" just lying in bed minding my own business. I fear my knees. I fear moving. I feel despair. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it just seems to get further and further away.
Sorry I'm so negative about all this :'( This seems to be my Achille's heel; it has just slammed me down on the mat. I did have a positive thought about it; if I can somehow find a way to be okay in this; then perhaps I will have developed a new level of strength and resilience. I'd rather be okay than no okay, so I'm going to do my best.
I admit, that I also think that once I learn to be okay with this Life will just find a bigger Achille's heel in me to trigger, so I can continue to "grow" because life is all about growth right? Sorry, pretty cynical at the moment :pissed:
Oh dear Rrecovery - so sorry to hear this :hug: FWIW I don't think you're being negative, I think you're reacting in a normal way to a situation that really is quite tough. Your knees are failing and you're facing surgery so it seems like the right time to grieve/be angry.. You will get them taken care of, you will be better and then you can feel more positive. Right now though, it just sucks so :hug: x 3 for you.
Thank you Kizzie, your response feels very comforting and encouraging :hug:
Being cynical and negative at a time like this is to be expected. It's normal, and good for you to let the negative emotions flow without bottling them up. I think you're doing just fine, considering. And a lot of consideration is due. I really feel for the pain you're in. It's hard, but it will pass. Until then, we're here for you. You're a really strong person to continue pushing yourself through all of this pain. :hug:
WF thank you! It was helpful to allow myself to hit bottom with my feelings. And it's especially wonderful to share those feelings here and to receive such nurturing responses. I'm feeling better. I've decided to install a stair lift in my townhouse so I don't have to feel terrified/dread of both knees going out at the same time. My place has a very bi-level layout and I have to negotiate stairs about 20 times a day. I appreciate your support :hug: