so tired

[Soulflower]

i feel like im losing my mind. 
7+ months ago i was in a serious car accident, long story short seems it's rattled my brain and ive been diagnosed with CPTSD, DID and now, psychosis i feel like a nut, feel very alone and shame/disgust seem to consume me.
a couple centuries of being reckless, hyper vigilant, toxic relationships, black out drunk, sticking needles in my arms/feet, alternating with avoidance, isolation, panic attacks, self hatred, etc.
i cannot accept i came from a family of incest. i just cant believe it. and why does it even matter now, ive grown children of my own? it was so long ago. the memories/flashbacks WILL NOT LEAVE ME ALONE, i feel dirty, stupid, worthless. im driving my boyfriend crazy i think. i see how he looks at me and ive all these plots in my head that just wont stop i am afraid, never been this afraid before and i just want the pain to stop. no one understands, theres no one to talk to, all i get it 'think positive' and i try so hard to THINK POSITIVE, tell myself im ok, things will be ok, theyll get better and so on. my mothers reply was 'it wasnt your fault, move on, forgive, he wasnt right in the head'. so why cant i? i loved him, i still do. he passed a little over a year ago, but i know he was sick. maybe he couldnt help it. i am so tired and really feel the only way to end all this foolish suffering and pain is to leave the world. i bring nothing to the table, ive nothing to contribute. im broken and useless. tired of watching and trying to read people so i know how i can behave or act or if i can speak, tired of feeling everyone is plotting against me. i dont blame anyone for not loving me, i dont love me either. i sound pathetic.

[Three Roses]

No, you don't sound pathetic. You are wounded. There's a gaping wound left behind from your experiences. But, here you will not hear, "think positive", or "It's in the past," or "just forgive them and it will all be better." Because not one of us believe any of those statements.

Here in this forum you will be listened to, respected, encouraged, validated. I can't guarantee this but I think you will find strength here, strength to go on. We're happy you are here!

i bring nothing to the table, ive nothing to contribute. im broken and useless. tired of watching and trying to read people so i know how i can behave or act or if i can speak, tired of feeling everyone is plotting against me. i dont blame anyone for not loving me, i dont love me either. i sound pathetic.

You bring your own unique insights to the table, you bring a fresh perspective. You're wounded but not broken, and you matter. You are not useless.

Take your time, move at your own pace here. We care, we are here for you.

[Dee]

I would like to add to Three Roses; here you will also find while no two experiences are the same, we often share similar feelings.  I promise you that you are not the only one who struggles with a haunting past that won't seem to let go.  There is so much confusion to fuel it all as well.  It's hard to love and hate a person at the same time.  Some of us blame the only person we ever felt safe blaming, ourselves.  I believe with hard work I can overcome that.  I don't believe it all the time, but enough to keep me going right now.  I would never tell another person that they are dirty, worthless, it was their fault, so I can see the logic in that it wasn't my fault.  I just feel like I am different from other people, I am working on believing that I am no different.

Stick around for a bit and you can join us in trying to do the hard work of recovery.  It does help me to  know that I am not alone.  I for one (and not the only one) would value your thoughts, feelings, and perspective. 

[sanmagic7]

therein lies your worth, your beauty, and your value - sharing with others about your own pain, confusion, exhaustion, and every other thing about your wounded being lets us know that we're not the only ones who go through this, who think we're worthless, who don't see any point in going on.  therein also lies your strength, fortitude, and bravery - to reach out in your vulnerability which encourages others who are hurting to do the same.

you help provide a voice to this community which is needed and important.  we all struggle here, we all reach a point where we question exactly that - what's the point?  i'm so glad you're here, even while embraced by pain.  i hope you can find the help and support i've found from the wondrously kind and caring people here.  they've helped me continue moving even when i was ready to come to a complete standstill.  thank you for posting, soulflower.  i hope to hear more from you.

[Soulflower]

No, you don't sound pathetic. You are wounded. There's a gaping wound left behind from your experiences. But, here you will not hear, "think positive", or "It's in the past," or "just forgive them and it will all be better." Because not one of us believe any of those statements.

Here in this forum you will be listened to, respected, encouraged, validated. I can't guarantee this but I think you will find strength here, strength to go on. We're happy you are here!

i bring nothing to the table, ive nothing to contribute. im broken and useless. tired of watching and trying to read people so i know how i can behave or act or if i can speak, tired of feeling everyone is plotting against me. i dont blame anyone for not loving me, i dont love me either. i sound pathetic.

You bring your own unique insights to the table, you bring a fresh perspective. You're wounded but not broken, and you matter. You are not useless.

Take your time, move at your own pace here. We care, we are here for you.

thank you for the support, im going to try and stick around, take (and give) what i can

[Soulflower]

I would like to add to Three Roses; here you will also find while no two experiences are the same, we often share similar feelings.  I promise you that you are not the only one who struggles with a haunting past that won't seem to let go.  There is so much confusion to fuel it all as well.  It's hard to love and hate a person at the same time.  Some of us blame the only person we ever felt safe blaming, ourselves.  I believe with hard work I can overcome that.  I don't believe it all the time, but enough to keep me going right now.  I would never tell another person that they are dirty, worthless, it was their fault, so I can see the logic in that it wasn't my fault.  I just feel like I am different from other people, I am working on believing that I am no different.

Stick around for a bit and you can join us in trying to do the hard work of recovery.  It does help me to  know that I am not alone.  I for one (and not the only one) would value your thoughts, feelings, and perspective.

so thankful ive found this forum, thank you

[Soulflower]

therein lies your worth, your beauty, and your value - sharing with others about your own pain, confusion, exhaustion, and every other thing about your wounded being lets us know that we're not the only ones who go through this, who think we're worthless, who don't see any point in going on.  therein also lies your strength, fortitude, and bravery - to reach out in your vulnerability which encourages others who are hurting to do the same.

you help provide a voice to this community which is needed and important.  we all struggle here, we all reach a point where we question exactly that - what's the point?  i'm so glad you're here, even while embraced by pain.  i hope you can find the help and support i've found from the wondrously kind and caring people here.  they've helped me continue moving even when i was ready to come to a complete standstill.  thank you for posting, soulflower.  i hope to hear more from you.

just knowing there are others is ... i dont have a word, but comforting in a strange kind of way. your reply hit hard hope we all find some calm here

[Blueberry]

I agree with sanmagic, Three Roses and Dee, about your value to this community for instance.

I'd also like to add that a recent physical trauma (you mention a serious car accident, so I presume you were injured in some way) can bring up old trauma that you might have managed to suppress up until now, just in order to keep living.  If all the old stuff is coming up at once then that can feel very overwhelming, to state the obvious I guess. 

You are welcome here.