Out of the Storm

I JUST FOUND THIS!!!  I was wondering if there was something like this on this site!  YAY! 

I've been having such a hard time with this the past couple of weeks.  It was also so freaky for me--which is weird because I've known about most of this stuff for the past 30 years.  Denial is a powerful thing.  This site really has helped me in several ways, but I have to be careful NOT to do too much too fast.  Today I had a HUGE epiphany! 

Last Sunday night I was trying to do inner child work to regain some memories as to why I cannot sleep on my back.  That night, I had no problem staying on my back and the question was why?  It occurred to me that it was terrifying for the inner child, but not for an adult part of me.  There was more to it than just that==but that's all I feel comfortable in sharing. 

Then, I went back to try and work on the inner child and basically those 'inner child' feelings were no where to be found.  It's like there's a complete block between those two parts of 'me.'  PLEASE understand if you are reading this, I'm not talking DID, I'm just talking me.  I compartmentalize E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G...so I look at it as fragments (Secondary Dissociative Disorder).  However, those to aspects of me can never ever be around each other--like the IC does not know that the sexual me exists.  It's not safe. 

I mean, this REALLY freaked me out.  I started to do research on it and the more I read, the harder it got.  Then, I went to my journal and simply wrote, "F... this!" and stopped journaling.  Of course, I was reacting like an angry teenager.  That was interesting too.  From there, I got three days of just being 'me.'  Normal me.  Still, over time, I found this site and started reading even more.  I found the Freeze type and every word of it was me.  Reading that it's the hardest to work with kinda crushed me--but I knew it was true.  I've known that since...well, forever.  But I felt crazy. 

Until today.  I had posted about using dissociation on purpose.  I was trying to explain it to someone and used a house as an analogy.  The house is me--it's singular.  But inside there's many rooms.  Each room has a purpose to keep the occupants alive AND happy.  So really, you need all those rooms to survive.  THAT's me!  I can easily and purposely go to any room (that I know of) and utilize whatever I need in that room.  And, I can leave a room if needed and come back later.  It makes it SO much easier for me to accept and realize, I'm not crazy at all--just very....organized. 

When I was practicing, I used a house as a guided imagery for my clients...one I had made up.  I'd have them imagine a house.  It's their house...they own it.  It's comfy and where they live.  They are inside and I tell them to imagine smelling dog poop.  The stink is starting to invade their home.  It gets stronger and you decide to go investigate where the smell is coming from.  You open the front door and someone has piled dog poop on your front porch, blocking you from getting out of the house.  I have them stay there for a minute until they start to get upset/angry.  The stench gets worse and soon, there are flies invading the house.  I tell them that there's a shovel in the closet.  Many times, the owner is so angry that they just sit there, stewing, wanting whoever dumped the poo to clean it up.  But whoever dumped it could care less about cleaning it up.  It's your house.  It's up to you to clean it up.  You have every right to be angry, furious that someone would do that to you!  You can let that keep you from cleaning up the mess or you can get the shovel and start shoveling the S...poo.  It's a dirty, filthy stinking job and YOU have to clean it up.  But once you start shoveling, you notice that your neighbors and friends come with their shovels and start helping you shovel your way out of the S...poo. That's our journey.  WE didn't create the crap we have to deal with--our perpetrators did; but we can't wait for them to come and clean it up...because if they did that to us in the first place, what makes you think that they are going to be there to fix it? 

This is the next level of my journey with my house!  I'm almost giddy with excitement.  I went to take a nap and was sitting on the edge of my bed and I realized--and actually said out loud--"I can do this."  It's been so overwhelming and I wasn't handling it well.  Now, I feel like I can truly move forward and take care of myself while doing it!

Yay!  :cheer: :waveline: :cheer:  Congratulations on your breakthrough!

Did you ever come across the "ego state" concept? What you wrote reminded me a lot about it. Let me see... yes, we had a thread about it here (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=246.msg2038#msg2038). What do you think, would that fit?

I knew of different ego states, but never heard it explained like that before.  It really fits perfectly for me.   :applause:

I'd write more, but didn't sleep last night and am super foggy today.   :stars:

Sleep well, then. - I actually used your house analogy today: I was starting to have a mild EF, and then thought about this concept of having compartments, like a house that has a kids' bedroom where they're happy and safe, and where I can ask my inner child to stay while I'm sorting out the difficult stuff, and it made a difference. There was a sense of relief, and I had a clearer head and more confidence.  :woohoo:

YAYAYAYAYAY!  It does help, doesn't it?

I'm with Cat, I like your house analogy. I hate(d) the idea that I have to shovel away someone else's 'gift' to me, but that is life and once you get by that and pick up the shovel things do get easier.

Sorry to hear you've been struggling but glad to hear you understand why and that you need to go slowly. I find it really hard going slowly ("I want this over and done with RFN!"), but I've also come to accept (most of the time) that I need to do so to protect myself because there is a lot to deal with. 

Happy shoveling!  (Not "happy" so much but you know what I mean)   :hug:

Kizzie:  I have this gut feeling that you and I are very much alike. 

:blink: Had therapy today.  I seriously feel like I'm going to puke.  I feel so sick to my stomach. 

Damn her!!!  She did EVERYTHING right!!!  God, just f...ing screw up so I can run and blame it on you.   :doh:

I realized in the car HOW much I told her and even just thinking about it makes my stomach turn.  What the * did I do?!  I feel so vulnerable right now...to the point that I am shaking.   :disappear: :disappear: :disappear:

I'm sitting here, zoning out--trying not to cry and then I realize my finger is scraping my tooth so my hand is slightly covering my mouth, which I sucked my fingers as a toddler/kid. 

There's no turning back now.  I don't know what the heck I was thinking :doh:

I wanna disappear under a rock.

Hi Ana,  I'm sorry that you are in so much pain, that's hard.  I wonder if your T knows how difficult and painful this was and about how triggered you felt afterwards?  From what you said it sounds like she might want to know.  What you did took real courage.  I really don't have the words. 

I was brutally honest with my T and allowed myself to "feel" about two weeks ago.  My T is a "good enough" match, never advising or giving directives and simply "praised" my honesty.

I am happy that we are both learning to trust and use therapy for real, honest healing. 

I hope that things get easier for you soon and you find ways to help yourself through this triggering event from today.

And I also want to just say it's great that you are reaching out here and becoming aware and taking risks.   :thumbup: Busy day! 

Hi Ana, I hope you're feeling somewhat better by now. You sounded profoundly shaken in your post.  :hug:

Thanks so much for the encouragement C and cat. 

I'm doing better today.  After I posted, I went upstairs and all the sudden a memory I couldn't recover for 30 years flashed back.  I got a really bad headache afterwards and I don't know if that is common, but I'm sure it had to do with that. 

I tried to go to sleep early, but couldn't so came back downstairs.  My 20 year old son was up, and he is around me more than anyone else.  So I felt I needed to tell him what was going on.  He went with me to the funeral and got a glimpse into how messed up she was, so I didn't have to explain a lot.  But if I need space, I can ask for it without people getting upset. 

C, I thought about calling my therapist.  We talked about that yesterday too.  She told me that I always so professional on the phone and it's always straight to the point and done.  I told her that therapists in the past have told me I was a 'chronic' caller--which shamed me horribly and again, slapped my hand when I reached out.  I've only ever called my T once--when I found an item I used in SI in a place that had to be put there within six months of finding it--and I had NO memory of it at all.  Once in 12 years for a crisis call, I don't think I've done too badly.  LOL.  I'm seeing her tomorrow so I think I can wait. 

I'm really tired today.  But I'm okay.  Tired, but okay.   :yes:

Ana, I am so glad to hear that you are having a better day today.  :hug:   

Therapy sounds like it was really rough, but you let yourself be vulnerable and open and that is recovery.   :applause:   It sucks that it feels awful and crappy but for good reason, there are things from our childhood that were incredibly frightening and so very deeply scary that it takes everything we have to look at the trauma and yet you did. 

And your T did not run away or shame you, she was there for you and she will be there for you and I understand how that's really scary too. It means that the things we knew as children (never trust anyone) may not be true as adults and that's like having your world tilt sideways. No wonder you feel like you were run over by a great big truck  :hug:

So maybe now is the time for some rest and take a break and do some quiet things to let all the stress seep away. Are there things you like to do that will help with soothing yourself? 

Thanks Kizzie~

I'm, of course, zoning out while playing computer games.  LOL  Sudoku makes you have to think about numbers instead of racing thoughts.   ;D  I'm waiting for the repair guy and when he comes, I promised myself a trip to Starbucks for my fav Iced Tea.  Then, despite being fat (yes, EDNOS but in recovery) my son and I are going shopping and I am going to get a pair of black jeans for the 'angry' teen.  I've refused to buy them because of my weight but decided last night, what the *?  I need pants...so, taking care of 'me.' 

You go girl!   :cheer:

Yay! It sounds like your distress was more like a kind of birthing pain for that memory? Annoying and agonizing, but productive. So at least it was good for something.

I like your jeans idea. Have fun!

Cat...that's exactly what it was like...is like.  Ugh.  Got my Iced Tea :applause: so I'm a happy camper!

 :thumbup: :thumbup: :applause:

I know I'm in a dissociated state right now and I don't think it's going to end any time soon.  The problem is, I have a lot of paper work to do and phone calls to make. 

I had a really weird thing happen last night and it's going to sound completely nuts.  Okay, it IS completely nuts. 

I've been doing great the past several days.  I was watching TV in bed and when my show ended, I shut off the TV and was about to roll over to sleep when in my head I heard, "Goodnight sweet baby."  Okay, positive self talk.  But...it wasn't me who said it.  It's NOT a phrase I would use ever.  My sweet nothings to my kids is 'baby girl or baby boy."  Even with my dogs.  It's just NOT something I would ever say or even ever heard before.  Seriously. 

It sent me into absolute chaos and terror.  So, I used guided imagery and IC work to try and figure out what was happening.  LONG story short, around the age of 10 I 'took over' as caretaker, making sure we had dinner, cleaning, laundry, etc.  By 12 I was pretty quiet and took 'care' of everyone--including standing in between my parents when they were trying to kill each other.  It was like...the way to avoid anyone seeing me so that I didn't get hurt.  People thought I did it for accolades, but no...it was survival. 

Anyway, when I was trying to figure out where the screaming was coming from, it was the 12 year old me, with the angry teen saying, 'see?  I told you it wasn't me.'  And I'm sitting there (the centered me) trying to figure out what the * happened. 

Basically around that time, I had to cut off all my anger and negative emotions towards others just to survive.  That left me dazed and full of loath and self-hatred.  My only purpose in life was to avoid any criticism, pain, terror or anything like that. 

But the phrase was very nurturing and loving--WHY would that set me off??? 

So I thought, maybe it's a flashback to my mother saying that to me.  But...she never used that phrase.  She always called us 'dolly' in a strange baby talk that I despise.  I have no clue or idea as to why THAT popped into my head. 

It took until today to figure it out.  Nurturing and loving phrases were always followed by horrific abuse of some sort that left me broken and terrified.  They aren't safe.  They aren't real.  They are lies. 

How sick is that?  What maniac would rip even the remotest nurturance from a child? 

Man; in my mind, I've been posting too much, but it's almost been a month.  Nothing has changed.  Well, except I did get three pairs of jeans and I re-pierced a third ear hole and my cartilage. I broke my foot on that same day two weeks ago.  Here is the strange thing, I dropped small speakers on my foot and thought it was just a toe stub.  It didn't hurt after the initial yeaow!  It hasn't hurt for the last two weeks, however, there is a trademark lump on top of the bone where it over=healed (my typical).  However, I got boots that were too small that ripped two nasty blisters in my opposite heel three days later.  Now THAT hurt! 

Historically, I have had ex-rays as an adult reveal two broken vertebrae in my back and a broken foot, in addition to a calcified spleen that was perforated, but calcified right before rupturing.  All...results of abuse.  I can't help but think it's my unwitting ability to dissociate from pain.  I also have to be careful because the meds I am on cause osteoporosis and I was dxed with osteopenia (pre Osteo) 4 years ago.  Have I gone to the doctor?  I thought about it...every day.  Now I'm going to have to go to a podiatrist.  It's still bruised but it doesn't hurt.  Still, if you saw it--saw the item that caused it, you would scratch your head as well, the entire top of the foot was black and purple.  It's green and purple now.  LOL 

I'm still spinning.  I'm still having a really difficult time with all of this.  I want to say I have it in control, but I don't.  I know I don't.  I've discussed my dissociation with my T throughout the years we've worked together.  It's NOT a new topic.  I've always put myself on the dissociation scale of 1-10 at about an 8.  I'm higher on the scale than I want to admit.  I just read back over my original post and it just...saddens me.   :stars:

And I sit...staring at the computer screen, seeing nothing and realizing what I wrote a month ago and what's going on...zoning out.   :stars: 

I want to run.  I want to undo everything that's been done in the past 5 months.  I want to go back in time and be 'fine' with everything in my life.  I want to put on a big smile and tell people I am truly content in life...and then explain that contentment is a state of being whereas happiness is an emotion that fluctuates with your moods, so you really want contentment in life and not just happiness.  I want to get back there. 

I come back to the same thing over and over again.  I'm in this alone.  My T is there for 100 minutes a week at $40 per week.  I go in--she rips me open and I have to go home and shut it back up...by myself.  No one IRL knows any of this is happening.  I am seriously ... alone dealing with some of the hardest realizations I've ever had to face before in my life. 

This doesn't make sense to me.  IF my initial abuse was being left in my crib for two days + with no one there to help me through the trauma, then WHY THE * WOULD I ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN AGAIN??? 

It's so easy for them to say, "I'm here.  I haven't left."  But my f....ing god, the relationship is BUILT for abandonment.   :doh:

In years gone by, I called my T way too much.  I knew it and didn't like how it made me feel 'dependent.'  So, now, I refuse to call outside of session sans 'business' issues.  I have always journaled and would write what was going on when it was severe.  But now, it's pages and pages and totally unrealistic to read all of it.  I mean, it means something to me, but if I were the therapist, it would be work to have to read through it all.  Anyway, being the hypersensitive person that I am, she made a small comment about how the journaling won't work because by the time she gets it read, we've moved on to other issues.  She wasn't saying to NOT give her the journals. 

That doesn't matter to crazy me.  It means I'm being a burden.  That I've reached out once again and was wrong for doing so.  You know one of those awkward moments of misunderstanding.  So that leaves no way to get affirmation/contact...I don't know...honestly, I don't know, what...in between sessions.  And that leaves me alone...by myself.  All the people in my life 'need' from me.  I'm the Mom.  I'm the estranged wife that keeps house; I'm the supportive friend.  I'm not allowed to be the one 'in need.'  It's somehow wrong for me to NEED someone to just be there for me. 

Or maybe I'm too picky.  Maybe. 

I've widdled away my 'friends over the past three years.  I don't work anymore, so those friends have dissipated.  My kids are grown and gone, so there go those friends.  Not that I had a ton before/I'm not into drama.  But I'm down to one friend.  I saw her on Monday and no...she wasn't a candidate for knowing or understanding or being there for me. 

As for FOO...I'm sorry, they had to go, NC.  My sister called last week and in one breath she was saying how she hated it when we talked when our kids were young because I was 'so in my head.'  So I get on the phone with her to talk to her about this and asked her a question 'in code' as my son was in the room and immediately she starts berating me and judging my motives and saying, "You think you are so much smarter than everyone...blah blah" I get out the door and tell her WHY I used the acronym OSDD; but it was too late.  I was 'back in my head' because I'm not allowed to feel.  My son heard her tone on the phone, telling me off and commented about it the next night.  That confirmed my resolve because she was the only one I've been communicating with anyway.  So there goes that.  :thumbup:

So as stated before, I truly, honestly, am alone in this and I ... I don't know how to make it....to move forward or to back track and stop this stupid rediculous thing I opened up without realizing just what a pandora's box it truly is. 

So, switch.  Back to Mom.  Son needs me to tape him.  I still think it's amazing how I can sit with family and they have no clue--no frickin' idea who I am at that moment or what I am going through.  Ahhh, the blessings of an 'intellegent mind.' :doh:

Therapy isn't going to work.  It's all gone awry.  I knew this would happen but it's that old hope against hope thing.  I'm so f/ing stupid.
There is no doubt in my mind that she is in over her head.  I was concerned about that but wasn't sure.  I'm grateful that at least she tried. 

What happened Ana?   :hug:   

Are you in the middle of an emotional flashback? I hope things get better soon.  :hug:

Cat:  I am sure I am.  Therapy for me is a complete re-creation of the abandonment issues. 

Kizzie:  I think you would probably understand this.  I finally made the decision to do therapy and trust.  I've been having body memories and memories are surfacing. 

I had the worst memory just instantly come back on Sunday night.  It was me being raped by my brother's friends...with body memories.  Needless to say, it was beyond traumatic.  I had therapy yesterday and actually told her, which was really hard to do.  I couldn't look at her and ended up seriously dissociating.  You know, the world slows down; you can't really hear and have to have people repeat things because it doesn't comprehend? 

Anyway, I kept trying to snap out of it and I couldn't.  She told me I needed to be 'loving and kind' to myself.  This was towards the end of the session.  She didn't know how to just 'be' with me.  It was awkward and uncomfortable and I felt ashamed and stupid for saying anything in the first place.  She said the memories are the glue that will glue the fragments back together.  Well, if that's the case, I go back to my original premise that I don't want to remember.  To me, the memories are shattering.  At the end, she was concerned about my driving and told me to wait  until I was safe to drive; she stood up and stood by the door, which made me really uncomfortable the session before and so this time, I made sure I could pick up my stuff quickly and avoid that awkwardness.  As I got closer to her, I told her no hug today.  She reached out to rub my arm and I swear, I've never heard my voice like it was, super low, quiet and I'd have to say seething?  As I said, "DON'T TOUCH ME!"  I practically ran out of there. 

I know she's in over her head and I was really concerned about that before.  Something similar happened in 2005 but I don't remember exactly what. 

I don't know if it makes sense; but my radar is pretty accurate and the time before I felt like, I don't know, like I was 'draining' or a burden or something.  I hadn't felt like that before with her.  I thought maybe I was wrong...but then it was just so bad yesterday. 

I'm having the 'after' affects of the dissociation and re-traumatizing myself.   

So now, I have to figure out how to close it all back up; let her know that as my 'counselor' she is fine (day to day stressors) but that I can't do therapy with her. 

It's been 30 years.  I've known for 20 of those that truly, I am 'damaged' good and can't be helped--I can help others--but I can't be fixed. 

I got to a really good place in the past 8 years of being super grateful for the things in my life and truly content.  It was only at night that the abyss surfaced and the terror that is me became reality. 

Anyway...so that's what happened. 

Ana

I can't find words for this. Or no clever words in any case. I'd have felt freaked out too. If you say "no hugs" then why does she presume to touch you? It's like she still assumed that untraumatized-people rules apply for your situation, which is bizarre.

Ana, I am sorry you are feeling so awful.  Such hideous memories.  Being so trapped inside all of that.

How sad that your therapist is unable to be there for you at such a time.  And the cluelessness about disregarding your request for no-touch, that seems especially scary to me.

The despair of feeling unfixable, it is so frightening.

I am glad you told us what was going on with you.  I hope you will continue to keep talking to us, as much as you feel inclined to.

The "terror that is you" is not all of you, though of course it does feel like that now.

May this new wave of ugliness subside soon !     May peace return to you soon !

Quote from: Anamiame on February 17, 2015, 08:17:01 PM... I heard, "Goodnight sweet baby."  ..... How sick is that?  What maniac would rip even the remotest nurturance from a child?

Oh my words. I'm finding it hard to reply to this without swearing at your parents. You weren't just abused, you also had this immense pressure to take care of your siblings - even of your parents (when you tried to keep them from killing each other). So when you say now: "I'm in this alone" - that must have been such an overwhelming and real feeling back then for you. Not even a feeling, a certainty. A very realistic one too. I wish we could turn back time and change this.

So... you don't have to answer this, but do you think that this feeling of aloneness could be (to some extent) a kind of flashback? Old memories come up, and they bring those old certainties with them? I'm asking because I've had this happen to me just yesterday and today, and am still trying to get out of it, and (like in your case too) it's harder because there's some kernel of truth to it even now.

I hope things will become more bearable for you very soon, Ana. :hug:  Take your time with this. There's no rush. CPTSD recovery seems to be just slow-as-molasses in general. Sudden improvements happen, but they seem to be rather rare, at least from what I've read on here. Post as much on OOTS as you like. You were so very alone as a child, and you're still having to cope with insufficient social support, so if OOTS is helpful, then keep it. I mean, look at my post count, and I haven't brought the site crashing down yet. You tell your story so clearly and honestly. And I'm sure that there are some members who maybe haven't yet felt able to post, but who read your story and find their own mirrored in it, and take comfort from knowing they're not alone.

Thanks Cat. 

Yes, I'm POSITIVE it is also a flashback.  And I know where it comes from.  I was 18 months old and my mother used to tie us to the bed when she would go out drinking.  Since I was in a crib, I didn't get tied.  My siblings could all untie themselves, but this particular day, no one got me out of the crib.  It was frying hot and I had a super bad diaper rash and had peed.  I will NEVER forget the pain of that.  I kept trying to get the diaper off and finally bent the pin and it scratched my leg really badly as I pulled the diaper off.  I kept screaming and my sister tried to give me a piece of bread through the crib slots and I threw it at her.  It was on the floor and later I was hungry and couldn't get the bread and really wished I hadn't done that. 

That night, I was hyssoping from crying all day--where you can't stop.  My brain didn't have words, but I know exactly what I was thinking:  "No one will EVER do this to me again!"  The next day my Dad came in and picked me up, but I was already gone...if that makes sense.  The next night after everyone was asleep, I practiced climbing in and out of my crib.  She wouldn't give us anything to drink at night because she didn't want us peeing the bed and we would get so thirsty.  When I used to get thirsty, I'd sneak out of my crib.  I couldn't reach the sink so I drank the water out of the toilet.  I learned quickly to flush it first.  I remember some time after that, my sister realized I was getting water and she gave me a cup to get her some.  I got her some water.  I handed it to her and I still remember looking at her like, don't tell her where you got it from.  She drank some then looked at me; realized I was too little and asked where I got it from.  I told her and she literally threw up.  Bad memory I know, but it was funny. 

So, my attachment issues and mostly abandonment and being left alone issues are very VERY severe.  My T knows this.  I tried to call her last night.  You always have to leave a message and wait for her to call you back.  It's the inner child thing. 

She never called me back. 

I let myself get attached.  And I feel like I am 'bad' for needing more than what she is willing to give.  It just makes me want to go hide in a hole somewhere and never come out.  I HAVE to learn to rely on myself for self-nurturing--I know that.  I really do; but it's like seeing how easy it is for others to ride a bicycle and you don't know how.  You are willing to learn, but at the beginning, you can't. 

I just don't know what to do. 

Plus, I just found out that I have to see a psychiatrist for my Worker's Comp case.  Right now isn't a great time for me to have to do that.  Last time I saw him, I was 'normal' and this time, I'm not. 

Somehow I have to calm down the 'children' inside.  I'm trying to be gentle, but I have construction workers and plumbers here for the day.  So I have to 'act' like 'me' when I am not 'me' right now...if that makes sense. 

Sorry for dumping.  OH!  And I can't have any coffee because I have heart testing tomorrow morning!  I am addicted to coffee and iced tea.  (I drink 16 oz of coffee in the am--and I got up early to get that in, but I drink 2 30oz mild iced teas a day.) 

Any ideas on what to do or how to talk to T about her not calling me back?  I go from black to white:  Either apologizing profusely for calling her to wanting to blame her and lash out that she wasn't there when I needed her...again.  I need balanced responses. 

Oy yoy, I'm afraid I don't know all that much about balanced responses either. Hm. Let me think. Do you think it might help you if you wrote down beforehand what you want to tell her? For me, writing is usually easier because the other person isn't physically present, so there's less pressure. Also, I can take my time, walk away from it and let my feelings cool down and then come back. So this isn't a surefire thing, but sometimes it helps. It doesn't need to be detailed, just a few crib notes.

Write down what happened, then write down how it made you feel, then write down what you'd like to happen in the future. (And when you write down what you feel, apparently writing "I feel as if" or "it feels like" or "I feel that you..." doesn't count, it has to be a real feeling.) I got that from a course on how to parent teenagers. So I'm still trying to learn that myself. But it sounds useful.

Also, maybe it's a good idea to ask her why she didn't call back? And then you could ask what you'd best do if such an emergency ever happens again. If she isn't available at certain times of day, then maybe she can tell you that beforehand? It would still be difficult to endure, but at least you could have a realistic chance to tell yourself: "She's simply just visiting the Innercity polevaulting championship, it's nothing to do with you."

Your fears of getting too attached to your therapist and then getting abandoned - now, I've only had a short bout of therapy, and I've no earthly idea how this is supposed to work, so this is just a question, not advice. But do you think it would work if you made that one of the topics your T and you worked through? Abandonment sounds like one of your biggest topics, so your relationship with your T could be a testing ground? Baby steps? Do you think you could ask her to work out a road map with you - a strategy for taking baby steps towards a relationship that works for your T and for you? These are just questions, because I've no idea what therapists usually do. And maybe bringing that whole thing up is too big of an emotional risk for you right now. You'd know best.

Are there additional resources you could use? In my country, some charities have volunteers you can phone if you need to just unburden yourself when you're in a crisis. Do you think that would work? If there is something, would it be a good idea to give them a call while you're feeling relatively fine? Because if you're like me, then reaching out for help is going to be SUPER difficult when you're in the middle of a crisis. Testing the waters while you're feeling a bit braver lets you tell yourself later: "Relax, we've already done this and it worked the first time around, so maybe it's going to work now."

As for the rest - I'm feeling sick now, I think. Not because of the toilet thing, but simply at the massive size of what you endured. This is horrifying. I'm amazed that you survived, if I'm honest. You must have been one resourceful and clever child. You deserved praise for taking care of yourself so well. From what you write about this terrifying event, it sounds as if a part of you died that day. There are no words for this.

Cat:  I like the part of writing down what I want in the future.  I never thought of that. 

Also, the statements you mentioned?  They are called 'cover up blaming statements.'  I feel that you never listen to me.  Take off the I feel that and you have a blaming stated, "You never listen to me."  Those are destructive.  I find that when I'm really upset about something someone else has done, it's hard to stop and think of what you are really feeling because anger is a 'cover up' emotion that holds the true emotion down.  So someone broke my vase (true.)  I'm angry that YOU broke my vase--is a blaming statement.  But, I'm really upset that my vase is broken because I loved that vase and can't replace it.  It feels to me that the things I truly care about somehow get taken from me."  That is expressing my true feelings.  (This really happened, the dogs broke my vase.  LOL)

Since I've been with T 12 years, we have talked at length about my fear of abandonment.  Prior to committing to this therapeutic relationship, I journaled my feelings about her not returning a business call.  I spelled it out in terms of the different parts of me's reaction to it.  She sat down with me and answered all of them, stating that on Sunday, she really really tries to be focused only on her family.  It wasn't a big issue at the time, it was just reconfirming a new appointment time.  But the impression I got then was, if I truly needed her, I could call.  She knows ALL of this. 

I am just really vulnerable right now.  On the outside, I might be 53 year old fat lady; but on the inside, it's well, shattered and right now feels like the 9 year old, curled up in a ball, trying to protect herself from getting hurt again.  The 'adult' in me has her hands on her hips, looking at what's happening and questioning...not the little girl, but the 53 year old fat lady, "How could you let this happen to her again?" 

Also, with the writing.  I've been giving her my journal entries and she said two sessions ago that it wasn't really working because by the time she read them and could ask the questions, the moment had passed.  I agree with her.  I think that is the core of the problems I'm having.  I'm re-experiencing all of these things alone and I can't call; I can't write and I don't know how else to 'touch' her--even for a second--to feel secure and safe.  I honestly, HONESTLY don't think she understands that.  She's a good person and has over the last three months, done just about everything right.  But this is the biggest issue/hurdle I've had.  I either end up running after getting hurt or being terminated for being 'too needy.'  You can't win for losing. 

Paradise by Coldplay
Demons by Imagine Dragons. 

My two theme songs. 
'

That's interesting, what you said about the blaming statements. I've never heard it spelled out this clearly, I only heard that one should avoid the "I feel that" kind of thing. This makes absolute sense, thank you for pointing it out.

What you say about your therapist - ugh, I'm stumped. It sounds like you've done all you could to make her see your point, but there's still
this gap between you? Is that a good word? Some difference between what you'd need and what she's giving you.

I could relate to your need to 'touch' her and feel safe. I get this too, very often. It's like there's this habitual cocoon of loneliness around me usually, a huge wall of silence between me and everyone else, and I need to burst that bubble even for just a few moments so I know it's not really real. I need a few moments where I and someone else truly connect, and then a huge part of myself reacts with overwhelming relief.

I wish there was something comforting I could say, but I'm out of words. I hope things get more bearable for you very soon.  Hang in there. :hug:

She did call late this afternoon.  I was taking a nap.  she was as if there is nothing wrong and told me that her concern was that I was too overwhelmed...which I am.  So I will go tomorrow will show her what I've written here and in my journal and if you don't mind, some of the wonderful support I've received here. 

I am going to tell her what I need...which is permission to call when I get over-sensitive/hypervigilant, etc. just to 'normalize me in our relationship.  I swear, it was a 30 second conversation, I went back to sleep and woke up in peace.  I hate that I 'need' that.  But...I do. :doh:

If it's what helps, then it's what helps. And why should you feel bad about it? If I break my leg, I need more things than if I didn't. It's just what is. You've been horrifically injured, so you need things that you wouldn't need if your parents had been real actual human beings with real actual brains and hearts. Granted, not every horrific injury can be adequately taken care of by people who are unprepared or who don't know how to do it. And then maybe it's okay to think "gosh, this poor taxi cab driver who's having to perform emergency lifesaving surgery on me because we're stuck in a blizzard and all he has is the google app on his phone and a Swiss utility knife." But to feel ashamed for needing that surgery? If you need it, you need it. It's nothing you chose, or created, or brought about by your own actions. It's something that happened to you. Same goes for the consequences of neglect and abuse. It happened, and now you walk with a psycho-emotional limp (as it were) and need crutches and the occasional massage. It's just what is.

Which you probably know yourself, but if you're like me, you keep on forgetting. I'm constantly having to relearn this. (Which is why the words trip so easily off my tongue by now - I've got plenty of practice in.)

But I'm glad to hear that she did call you back eventually, and that it helped. I hope you'll be able to work something out with her.

Hi Cat:

I wanted to update you on the situation with T.  I did tell her what I was feeling and what was going on.  So she knew everything that I felt from Monday and even put words to some feelings that I couldn't identify.  She had no issues at all with Monday and I asked her what her perspective on it was.  She said that if she felt I needed to be 'pulled' out of where I was (totally dissed) she would have done that but she didn't want to interfere with my process and was observing that closely. 

She confronted me on my phone call because I wasn't honest and straightforward with her about why I was calling.  Dammit, she was 100% right.  She told me that I need to tell her it's urgent and she will call back.  She's been gently confronting me on how I communicate and that I will either not complete thoughts or talk 'in code' expecting her to understand what I am saying.  It's really very very hard right now for me to communicate in session. 

Her concern is helping me to not have panic attacks before session and to not be so overwhelmed right now. 

I was trying to explain to her at the beginning that it's the 'relationship' with her that has me in a tailspin.  This was a back and forth for a while because I couldn't explain it to her.  And this is where I felt the disconnect. 

I told her again that I've never gone this far in therapy or the relationship and it scares the bejebees out of me.  I explained that I can't run now because, before, I could shut everything down and put it back into the black box and get into my head and move on.  But I can't put things back into the box now and I can't put the pieces together without help now and that's terrifying.  She asked me why and I told her because I am trusting her/attached and she can hurt me badly.  She pointed out AGAIN, she hasn't left in 12 years--I was alsways the one to bail.  And she made me take ownership of that. 

She asked me an interesting question.  "Where did you go on Monday when you dissociated?"  (I call it zoning or spacing out)  I said nowhere.  She said, "Yes you did.  Where did you go?"  I don't know.  But she's right. 

Where DO we go when we dissociate?  I think I'm going to make that a post on the boards. 

And, I did give her a hug at the end...a real one, not the stone hugs I usually give. 

Hey wow. That sounds good. I mean, you still mention a disconnect in what you tried to say and what she understood. So that's bad. But if I understand you right, there was progress?  :cheer:  You seem calmer, like you feel more confident now or more in control. So in case that impression is correct: glad to hear it. All the best to you.  :hug:

I can relate to your feeling not safe when someone's too close to you. I've learned that safety is only found in aloneness. Aloneness isn't pretty, but if I want to be truly safe, I need to NOT need anything from anyone, because that way lies abandonment. (Unlearning this mindset is a bit easier now, because I'm now aware that my childhood wasn't in fact normal, and that my mother's behaviour towards me is bizarre and sometimes creepy. While I still thought everything was normal, I thought that abuse was also normal.)

So any real relationship that lasts feels like a huge leap into uncertainty. Simply because I've never done this before. There's no script. I've no idea what to expect. The only things I do know to expect are highly unpleasant.

Ana, thanks for sharing. Very insightful. It sounds like great progress for you. I hope you feel that it is. Your therapist sounds like a good one. Not afraid to be honest with you, but also very sensitive and caring. I definitely think you should start a thread on "where do you go?" when you dissociate. I don't think I even know the answer, but it's something worth exploring here.  :fireworks: And congratulations. It really sounds like you had a breakthrough.  :hug:

Thanks Lone Wolf and Cat. 

Cat, I was able to finally get the point across.  She was talking about why I would mask my call in needing to make sure SHE was okay instead of just saying that I needed help.  She said that my message did not sound like an emergency and that was why she didn't call back right away.  Had she known that I needed her, she would have called back right away.  She asked me why I did that and I told her that the only way to be safe and to not have people abandon me is to take care of them first no matter what I needed.  If I don't take care of them, then I put myself in a place of danger of getting hurt.  So it's like a frenzy to make sure everyone else is okay so that I can be safe. 

I never realized that before the words came out of my mouth.  Her only request was to be honest with her.  She doesn't have any restrictions on me calling. 

Everything is changing.  Even since Thursday, it's ...  surreal.  I've had more revelations that although shattering, somehow alleviated the panic and anxiety.  I'm handling things.  Even today--I had to see my brother at my niece's wedding.  It was for my niece.  But once I walked away, that was the last contact I have to have with family.  It was like closing a chapter in my life. 

I would have thought that the wedding would have thrown me into a tailspin and that I would have needed to talk to T.  But...whatever happened in session; I somehow...internalized...her?  How to calm myself?  I'm *okay.* 

Wheeeeee!!  :cheer:  :woohoo:  Wow, that sounds brilliant! What a reversal!

I'm glad that you're okay.  :hug:  And congratulations on having seen the last of your FOO. Freedom! A cause for celebration if ever there was one.

You're 'okay' and that's absolutely wonderful - you have your self to lean on, to count on now. :hug:

Brilliant! What a huge shift. I'm happy for you ana!  :hug:

Boy, it's been a while since I posted here.  SO much has happened in the last several weeks and I'm not even going to begin to try and explain it all.  All I can say is, it's been a bumpy road and I have to take it one day at a time. 

Friday, I was 'back' to the old me and what a welcome relief it was!  I was ecstatic.  I JUST want to stay there...be content at all times.  Not happy--happy is a fluctuating emotion whereas contentment is a state of being.  I just wanted to be back there and not have to deal with the heaviness of all of this. 

Today in session, I was pretty much back to the 'old' me.  Just happy.  There was no pain, or anguish, or ugliness that comes with all of this.  No fragmentation, dissociation or any other -tion thing.  Cheryl tried to get me in touch with that place, but it was blank.  I honestly tried hard--it just wasn't there. 

Deep down, I felt like that was NOT good.  Sort of like a warning siren.  Something was wrong.  Of course, I didn't tell HER that.  I could tell from the look in her eyes she already knew that. 

So that leaves me with the question...do I go 'back' there...or stay here?  I LIKE ignorant bliss.  It's quite nice.  But is it truly the best there is for me??  If I stay here; I stay in a place of isolation...of keeping others at arms distance because that's all I can handle (or be comfortable with).  However, if I go back and start this 'path' again, it will be torture again...agony.  But even with only a month or two under my belt, I can 'feel' the difference on the inside, just in that moment when Cheryl gives me a hug.  It's different--I don't just 'tolerate' it and endure because that's what I'm supposed to do--I can actually 'connect' and know that she truly and honestly cares for me.  (And no, I purposely did not say cares 'about' me).  It's torture, yes, but needed.  Very needed.  It's been 53 years of being needed. 

Do I really wanna turn my back on that???

Honest to God, I DON'T know. 

I just don't know.

Wow Ana, it sounds like you have a great T and are feeling more and more of a connection with her.

Are you turning your back do you think or perhaps just taking a break? Recovery uses up a lot of energy and sometimes it's helpful (necessary?) to recharge our batteries.  Just a thought FWIW  ;)

Thank you so much Kizzie and BeHealthy: 

Your posts are words spoken in time.  More than you could possibly know.  I can't thank you enough!


:hug:

Amy

I don't think I realized just how tumultuous this journey was going to be.  I've spent the last two months or so being devastated once I accepted just how deep the damage is emotionally.  More than anything, I've been trying to find a way to 'say it's not so' and yet I only dig myself in deeper to the fact  that it is true and it is real. 

Last week, I experienced something that I don't remember experiencing before--two full days of being in a dissociative state and not knowing how I got there or why.  I tried everything to pull out of it, but nothing was working.  It's over now and I'm pretty sure I know what it was about now and will process it through tomorrow with my T.  I'm also finding that I'm 'losing' information alot more now...like having read an article and having no recollection of it's contents whatsoever.  It's like my brain is working overtime to keep me in the dark regarding areas that I am not yet ready to deal with.  Our brains are amazing in how they work to attempt to protect us from what is perceived to be a threat. 

I think that one of the most devastating realizations over the past four months is that 'this'...'this journey...' this--whatever the * it is' is never going to fully 'end.'  It will always be.  The gift that keeps giving. 

It's been so incredibly hard in therapy as I struggle to accept my new 'reality' and I'm very fortunate to have a really good therapist.  I knew when I committed to this process in January or February that it was going to be a long road--but I don't think I fully understood what that meant.  A while back as I was saying good bye to my T at the end of the session, I was joking about her having to 'put up' with me for another 5 or ten years...and she looked at me and said, "We'll grow old together."  *, it's already been 12 years--she watched my kids grow up :blink: but I get it.  It's going to be a long journey.  And there's no turning back.