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Had a horrible man on the phone earlier who I think was trying to scam me into giving account details. Even if it was legitimate, he was rude and pushy and it hit a nerve. I felt violated and knew I did NOT have to tolerate being spoken to like that. I got so angry that I gave him an earful and then slammed the phone down.   I got angry! I used the feeling to protect myself! Woohoo. 

Hi Blueberry, thanks for the  Hope you're getting on ok.

That sounds really nice, it's surprising how good it feels just being able to do little things in the garden. Last summer I'd sometimes pop outside and do and some weeding on my lunch breaks while working from home and it made all the difference connecting to nature in even the tiniest of ways. We had heavy snow all last week but temperatures are going back up today and it's starting to melt, so yay.

Thank you for sharing the link, I love people's nature photos. Particularly birds, they're such resilient little things and so photogenic. 

Hi SharpAndBlunt. 

Thank you for your response, It's so comforting to know that there's another person who relates. UK winters are just soggy, cold and awful for the most part and they hang about for far too long. We had one day in December where it was a picture perfect combination of ice topped trees and houses against a sunny, blue sky but it was very fleeting. Snow can be a novelty for a couple of days but hanging around since before Christmas is most definitely outstaying its welcome!

I'm so sorry that you get lonely on your own, it must get really difficult during lockdown. You're exactly right, this is all very much like Groundhog Day. Just the same stuff over and over again. I think when we're alone with our thoughts for so long it's really easy to get stuck on one thing and to ruminate. I had a friendship fizzle out last year which it took me a long time to process, so I know how sad, anxious and even angry it can make you feel. I think with C-PTSD we're used to being hypervigilant and questioning every little thing that could go or might have gone wrong and it's easy to assume that we're at fault, when there could be any myriad of reasons behind another person's actions (or inactions).

I can imagine how traumatic it was living with your alcoholic father and I'm sorry you went through that, I was stuck with mine between the ages of 15 and 21 and it was extremely hard. I never realised just how badly my experiences had affected me until a few years after moving out. I'm still connecting the dots years later and realising how even the most mundane little annoyances in life are multiplied a million times by the fear and black and white thinking which emerged from such an unhealthy upbringing. It's a constant learning curve really, acknowledging that weird triggers will come up and learning how to calm my nervous system down in the present day and be compassionate towards myself when it happens.

You're right, we shouldn't discount our negative experiences or berate ourselves for having a hard time coping. My childhood pretty much looked like the social ideal from the outset, but when you dig deeper it was actually very traumatic and dysfunctional. I think I end up gaslighting myself in that regard because I can get too caught up in how things appear to others. I do the same in the present day: loving husband, a job, a roof over my head - who am I to feel sad? It's a tricky balance because I want to acknowledge and grieve for my younger years, however I also want to feel gratitude for my better circumstances nowadays. The grief is left over from the past and has to be processed in the present day though, so there's an overlap there that causes some difficulty.

I'm always happy to see longer messages and have a tendency towards writing them myself, so thank you, I really appreciate what you wrote and it all very much resonates.  It's healing to share these things I think. Hope you're having a restful weekend.

I think January was the toughest month I've had in years. With the days finally becoming longer February is looking up but it's so cold and dark all the time and we're in lockdown in the UK at the moment, so we're cooped up indoors and only allowed out once a day for some exercise. I always struggle with winter at at the best of times, but this is just something else entirely. It's really triggered my C-PTSD something chronic, which I think is because my trauma really became repetitive when I was stuck living alone with my abusive father and as a teenager with no money or support system I had no means of immediate escape from the house. My DH is not abusive and treats me kindly and with respect, plus I'm an adult now so I know that logically it is not the same situation, but trauma brain is seeing the parallels in the circumstances and going into overdrive.

Home has been my safe place for years and as much as I love my husband, I'm used to having the house to myself far more and having breathing room to process my emotions and re-regulate. When restrictions weren't so rigid he was going out exercising with a friend every weekend which would give me a few hours of uninterrupted quiet time for C-PTSD 'maintenance'.  Now I don't have that I'm feeling irritable and low nearly all the time and resentful that trying to keep emotionally regulated is so much harder. I end up exhausted and grumpy and on really bad days my nervous system seems to be firing on all cylinders constantly. Yesterday was awful and just one slight annoyance sent me into full anger meltdown, which was kind of scary. My emotions felt completely out of control and like I had reached my limit and then some.  The front door had swelled with all the rain we've been having and I couldn't unlock it to take a delivery. Huh actually, I hadn't put two and two together until now, but looking at it logically I'm really not surprised that it set me off. Doors no doubt symbolise escape for me, even in the present day. Many years ago if uNF had been raging the front door would have been the quickest route to run to in order to get to somewhere that felt safer.

At least when this was happening in the summer there was the garden to escape to for a breather and pleasant distractions. I feel bad complaining because I know many others have it so much worse but I must say, I already feel better for having ranted about this. It's too much to keep bottled up all the time. How are you guys all doing? 

I mostly did very well academically through high school, college wasn't as easy but I still got quite good results considering what was going on at the time. Certainly at high school I had the mentality that I was doing something proactive that would help me leave home eventually, so I kept my head down and worked really hard. Socially I really struggled though and my self esteem was non existent; I didn't understand at the time how much this would hinder me. I had this dream scenario in my head of going to university at 18 and magically turning into a confident, social butterfly and having a great time. Unfortunately the opposite happened, university and the heavy emphasis on socialising completely overwhelmed me and I had what I consider now to be my first nervous breakdown. I ended up dropping out and going back to the environment that caused it all, with a weird kind of Stockholm's syndrome of feeling like I just wanted to go back to something familiar (even though it could be terrible) and to stay stuck in freeze mode.

It was such a mess looking back. I can see the reality of it having spent years dissecting it and learning about trauma though. Bella, it sounds like school possibly offered you stability and direction which allowed you to do better once out of the damaging home environment. Often when in the middle of trauma humans can be very resilient and not see their circumstances as being out of the ordinary, particularly when we're young and have never known any different.

Walking the dog is such a good way to get some interaction. I'm awful at making and keeping friends and inclined not to do so because it overwhelms me, plus it's a struggle to be 'switched on' and fun enough to encourage people to want to be friendly with me. I'm OK with it and have never felt a need for many friends. When I have had friends I've always coped so much better with just one or two special people rather than juggling a large group. For this reason, when walking it can be really nice to see people and to have a pleasant chat with no expectation of having to make it a regular thing or commit to a friendship. I think it works well because as you say, a lot of people do seem to want to say hi and stop to talk. It does seem to fill a small gap if you're feeling lonely.

Not sure how to start this! I've thought about starting a recovery journal for a while though, so here I am.  Hoping to use this as a way to express myself when I need to, get thoughts down in writing rather than having them endlessly cycling around my head and to move forwards.

I'm so very glad that Christmas and my birthday are done with. November and December are always really stressful months and I find that the season just passes me by with little significance, other than me being noticeably busier and more stressed out by obligation. I'm already looking ahead to spring and keeping an eye on the evenings getting later (excrutiatingly slowly, but it's started happening!)

I randomly logged in to Facebook for the first time in ages yesterday and found that I had a friend request from someone I used to work with. She deactivated her account a few years ago and then activated it again a few months ago. Obviously she's bored over the holiday season and hoping for a snoop, because we were never close or had anything in common. This is the kind of shallow interaction I'm making an effort to move away from because it's just pointless and I have no real time, inclination or energy for it. Needless to say I've ignored the request. There's nothing to see anyway, I don't interact with it other than to look something up now and again if I need to. Once upon a time ignoring a friend request like this would have been unheard of for me and as a people pleaser I would have accepted it to be 'polite', so I'm actually quite pleased that I've recognised the need for that boundary. 

Leading on from that, I'm hoping to become more comfortable in my skin as time goes by. I hope this leaves me more open to attracting healthier, respectful people into my life rather than the self-absorbed acquaintances I've been entertaining for the last few years.  I hope to be able to be more authentic too and to give more of myself to people. I haven't in the past for fear of being rejected, but that only leads to 'friendship' based on a fake persona that I've created. I'm trying to 'be' a bit more often and to do things I enjoy so I can learn who I actually am and try to respect myself more. Toxic people seem to have a radar that alerts them to potentially suitable targets and I think I've been leaving myself open to being manipulated and used by people like that for far too long. It's slow work, but I'm getting there in accepting that it's OK to stand my ground on things and to not say "yes" to everything.

Thank you for all your replies, it helps so much to get some perspective on this from people who understand what it's like. I've gradually started to calm down since Friday and I realise that change is needed as soon as possible, I just need to work out a realistic next step. I don't think I can flat out leave yet due to money and the dire situation the economy's in but I'm really going to keep my ear to the ground for anything else that might come up. In the meantime I'll continue putting away as much as I can in savings.

I suppose the only thing I can really attempt to control right now is my attitude towards it. I'm not going to give that place my all anymore and from now on they're getting the bare minimum from me. Sounds childish but I'm so sick of trying to be helpful and having it thrown back in my face. I think it brings out my people pleasing and fawning tendencies, which just hinder me nowadays. As long as I get my work finished I'm just going to leave on the dot every day and try to concentrate on what's really important until I can get reasonably get myself out of this situation. I'm angry at myself in a way for getting into this state, I know from past experience that people pleasing gets me nowhere!

I decided to quit my job after I was signed off sick for a few weeks. It gave me space to think. I imagined I no longer worked there, and asked myself "if my job was advertised, would I apply for it?" No way! I simply couldn't cope with that sort of toxic environment.

Like you, I'd been building a business on the side, so I moved into that full-time. The first couple of years were hard, but being able to work when and how I wanted gave me the space to heal. I'm now in a much better place, and I don't regret my choice for one second.

That's so brilliant (and inspiring!) - I'm glad taking the plunge and working on your business full time worked out for you Snowdrop. 

I experienced a day of passive aggressive digs, sarcasm and complaining from my boss on Friday. This behaviour is so reminiscent of my father and the lack of escape from it triggers me terribly and takes me back to being 14. My brain is now resolutely telling me "ENOUGH!" I am just so done with it all.

I've put up with episodes of the above along with a couple of other instances of workplace bullying at this place for 5 years. I've stuck it out while putting some money aside for capital for the part time business I've set up in my spare time. Quite honestly, my mental health has suffered terribly with the toxic office environment, early mornings and long commute. I haven't been living and I've been in a state of constant hypervigilance and exhaustion. The job is dead end and thankless. I've been putting in so much effort over the past few months and been getting nothing but stupid digs and complaining in return.

I was spaced out and tearful all day yesterday and this morning I feel nauseous and tired. My body aches and is telling me that this situation is not healthy or right. I cannot cope with this job anymore. All the signs are telling me to quit and to take the plunge properly with my business venture. It's not making enough profit to live on yet but then I haven't had the time or energy to grow it with my current circumstances. I don't think I'll ever do it otherwise, I'll always just be in the vicious cycle of never finding the "right time" or not being able to dedicate enough time to it because the part time job takes everything out of me.

It really feels like everything has come to a head and that I really need to make a change. I've powered through working with C-PTSD for so long and I'm starting to feel just how ill the wrong environment has been making me. It does feel like a disability. I can't cope with offices the way that other people seem to be able to, they make me feel trapped.

Can anyone relate to this? My nervous system has gone into overdrive with it all and I'm feeling rubbish.

Thanks you notalone, you're right. It's that whole hidden illness thing. I know how hard I find everything when I don't do enough self care so I'm not sure why I always think I can skip it and still be ok. 

I've had a really busy couple of days and got loads done, but I've pushed it too far and I'm now stressed and agitated. I've been doing very well lately with self-care and giving myself time to breathe, meditate and do yoga, which all really helps to ground me, but it's so hard finding a balance between that and having to 'adult'.

It's made me see how much I'm likely to struggle when I go back to working in the office in the new year following the second UK lockdown (which admittedly I'm pushing a bit, some colleagues have been going in fairly regularly and there is pressure for me to go back sooner). I won't be able to have a quiet 10 minutes laying down on the bed when things get overwhelming, or to go water my plants when the screen is hurting my eyes and the phone's shrilling at me too much, and I'll have to present as always being "ok" to colleagues and visitors. I feel abnormal and guilty for needing that extra self-care and for coping so badly with every day life things that other people seem to have no trouble with. H asked me yesterday if I would be going into the office today to get some things done and it tipped me over the edge; NO! I would have been far too on edge and stressed to be in that place today. It felt like he was pressuring me and I think he was shocked when I told him how stressed out the thought made me. I think having had so many months at home and being allowed the opportunity for fewer triggers and better self-care (which has done wonders for me) it's going to feel like a big step backwards.

I really want to leave that incredibly unsuitable workplace and I will, I know I will and I WILL create a better set of circumstances for myself, I just seem to constantly have things to do which get in the way of planning to get out of there! I sell things in my own time and I want to focus my time and effort on that, but there always seems to be something that gets in the way of me being able to prioritise it, which in turn extends the time I have to spend working at the job I hate. It's frustrating. Just needed a moan. 

I really relate to this. I think shame isolates us. Plus friendship is very difficult because it really is a lot of work to maintain even at the best of times. When you have periods of being withdrawn due to emotional flashbacks it's very easy to lose your handle of existing friendships, let alone try to make new ones. 

Ideally I'd wave a magic wand and lose all the inhibitions and fear which prevent me from opening up to people and being more laid-back about socialising. It's the inner and outer critics being too strong. They became strong for a reason though and there was a time when my lack of self identity and zero concept of boundaries meant I was far too open to attracting toxic people into my life, so I'm learning to be more compassionate towards myself for it. When I was a child/teenager I had a very toxic, emotionally abusive 'friend' who I devoted myself to at the expense of meeting healthier people. Throughout my twenties and into my thirties it's left me very wary of opening up to and trusting anyone. I can see how the abuse and conditioning to be submissive within my dysfunctional family has left me very open to attracting toxic people like that into my life.

To be honest I still don't trust my judgement enough to not be manipulated to that extent again. Maybe that's ok for now. Maybe I need to learn to be a best friend to myself first and learn a healthier sense of boundaries and assertiveness before I try opening up to anyone.

Everyone is wounded, and those wounds feel like such a barrier. I think I am desperate for some kind of parental figure, someone who is wise and caring. Someone who gets it. Someone who can step in and help me with the problems that are overwhelming me. Instead I see nothing but limitations in people. I have spent years working on myself, trying to heal. Then when I run into people saying things like "you need to focus on the good", I get discouraged because it feels like they have so much of their own growth they need to do, and they can't meet me where I am.

Yep, even the most well meaning people will struggle to every truly understand because C-PTSD is so far outside most people's frame of reference. This is where forums such as this are so amazing because we can truly relate and empathise. To be honest when I look at a lot of the friendships that people around me have they don't realistically seem to be that deep. A lot of people are satisfied with just the 'fun' aspects of socialising and are happy to keep it at that base level, so I think deeper, one on one connections (which I much prefer personally) are actually quite rare.

Hi Boatsetsailrose, sorry to hear you've been struggling. I hope you've since seen some improvement? It was good that you reached out to other people and had an opportunity to be supported. A flare up team is a fantastic idea and I bet it could help a lot of people, particularly with where we're at in the world right now. 

Hey Blueberry, so sorry to hear this has been troubling you. Itchy lower legs is something that happens to me too and they're always dry. Was actually at my wit's end with it a couple of months ago when I had a particularly itchy flareup. I do have sensitive skin and have always assumed it's due to shaving and not moisturing enough (and to be fair, I'm sure it exacerbates it), however I've also noticed that my right calf gets quite swollen from time to time and I've had some tingling and weird sensations under the skin which almost feels like a crawling sensation, which is a bit disturbing. I'm also thinking a circulation issue might be at play and keeping an eye on it in case it gets worse. I know trauma can manifest in the body in so many ways and this could be one of them.

The poultices sound like they could be a positive thing perhaps both physically and mentally because you could incorporate it with some self-care, such as reading a good book or having a nap. I hope you've been able to find some relief since your last post and that the natural methods you are using are having a positive effect. 

Hi Persistant! No worries, I've actually never thought to activate notifications myself so that's a good idea. 

It is really hard to break the trauma bond and it's a good call to go easy on yourself and recognise when a step is just that little bit too big to take. Our nervous systems are so easily triggered with emotional flashbacks (the scared lost little boy you describe) and it's best to be gentle with yourself as you work through these triggers. Knowing that your ultimate goal is to move is a good thing and it's always something you can work up to. Managing relationships is difficult, I'm so with you on that one and it's something that's definitely a work in progress for me too! It does sound like you're on the right lines with it all, placing responsibility where it truly lies is quite fundamental to healing I think. 

I'd say I'm alright at the moment, thank you for asking.  Self-care has started to be more of a focus for me over the last few months. At the beginning of lockdown I was becoming burnt out with trying to fit far too much into my day and neglecting my emotional needs. Carrying out self-care daily and "me time" in the form of meditation and yoga has really started to help me keep in tune with how trauma is held in my body and offers a release. Currently just trying to figure out ways to connect with other people more as I have a tendency to let shame overwhelm me and to not check in with people as much as I perhaps should. I'm trying to incorporate more routine into my life too and aiming to get back to doing a couple of hobbies rather than staring mindlessly at my phone as I have been at late...easier said than done, but yes, persistence is key! 

I hope you're having a good Friday and can have a relaxing weekend.