DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit

[sanmagic7]

i'm just really glad for you that you've found your own way to deal with stress.  those kinds of things can be huge for us.

yeah, i agree with you, we don't have to know/learn everything to be ok with what is and with ourselves.  i had to stop trying to understand the workings of the mind of various individuals in my life for the sake of my own sanity.  i have vague ideas now, but i don't have to prove them or explore them further.  i've got plenty in my life to keep me occupied on other levels.

slowly, d.r., all you need to know will be revealed, of that i'm certain.  your emotions are  being revealed to you now, and that's major.  no wonder you're exhausted by them.  take your time - it'll come to you.  warm, loving hug filled with calm and caring.

[DecimalRocket]

Thank you San. Sorry, no hugs. Hugs are too uncomfortable today.

....

Is it me or math calms me down?

My emotions seem more controlled after solving equations. There's a certain rigorous respect to things with only enough evidence in math, and it teaches me not to blindly believe the fears and shame my emotions bring up.

Oh well, Riemann sums, aritmethic functions and t scores this weekend — yes please.

I had a volunteer listener online recently and she emphasized "positivity" too much. Arguing with her with logical arguments (politely of course) was actually . . . calming. I guess I need to find people to debate with more often.

Other than that, I was embarassed about having an occupational therapist. Aside with my visual/auditory oversensitvities, my fine motor skills are kinda . . . delayed too.

My fingers don't coordinate themselves well sometimes, and so handwriting can be difficult in class even if I understand more than others what to write. I feel like a dumb kindergarterner doing some of the exercises there — sigh.

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
I know you said hugs are too uncomfortable today - so I'll just say 'Hi' - I have to say I admire your ability to do Math - I can't do Math at all - equations and arithmetic - it's like another language to me.  We all have different skills, and I guess that makes life more interesting doesn't it.
Anyway, wishing you well today.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

very cool that you have something that calms you like that.  math, so logical, seems like a logical choice.  the hard science of math compared to the soft science of emotions.  it makes sense to me that it's soothing to you.

no hug, just good wishes.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, thanks Hope and San.  Well, I find math hard too or maybe I'm just being overly modest again. That's why I like it though.

....

I'm feeling better today but will probably still need to post just for myself here as a break.

I noticed even without EFs, I still get . . . moody. Geez, I don't really want to acknowledge it but I have a growing body here to deal with everyday. I realize that to fully accept myself and my emotions, I have to admit that I'm going through p-p-pub— puber —puberaygun . Sigh. You know what I'm talking about.

This place feels more like my family than the entire 16 years of my life with my biological family, and with my parents, they never really bother explaining about the p word. They rarely really tried to explain much of life to me.

I just get moody about wanting to be independent from people and also wanting constant guidance, okay? I feel awkward and self conscious too often. Come onnn — I feel safe with logic, but it's very hard to be sometimes when emotional control in the brain isn't even fully developed at this age.

I'm pissed off about being abandoned in this confusion.

[DecimalRocket]

Nevermind. Maybe I'm just burdening people to reply to the above. I'm used to it anyway — relying on myself.

[DecimalRocket]

Dammit. I'm heating up, coughing and my whole body is aching.

I have a fever.

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
Hope you feel better soon - having a fever - maybe get some medical advice - drink plenty of fluids - I'm not sure what people are supposed to do for helping sort out a fever, but whatever it is - I hope you can do it, and that you'll feel better really soon.
Take care,
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

those changing bodies, raging hormones - geez, they can be a pain.  you'll get thru it eventually, d.r.  we all did.  just be patient - like everything else , it's a process.  wanting both independence and guidance at the same time is natural at that age.  you're not a kid anymore, but you're not an adult either.  you're in that always excruciating place of adolescence.  it wreaks havoc with perspective, perceptions, and just plain ol' day to day getting along, both with yourself and with others.

emotional ups and downs, moods swinging back and forth, bodily changes, arms and legs longer than before, hands and feet bigger than before can cause all kinds of movement malfunctions, bumping into things, tripping on stuff, dropping stuff.  no matter what anyone says, you're not clumsy - just in the midst of adolescent growth.

i have the feeling of family here, too.  it's been wonderful.

sorry you're sick - hope you feel well as quickly as possible.  caring, healing, loving hug to you, d.r. 

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks you two.  I felt terrible. Glad someone was there.

I guess I got a fever because I was too hard on myself lately, more than usual. It's not your fault, but probably not getting a reply two days ago made me flashback to my emotionally neglected childhood. . . and that was . . . horrible.

I'm feeling stronger, but I was stuck resting the whole day. Even walking around a bit can make me feel completely exhausted. I also find that I momentarily believe weird things - such as thinking my dad is a coconut and wondering if I descended from coconuts or if I was an alien who forgot their memories of an interstellar past. I think my fever's making me . . . a little loopy. But I'm tired because energy resources are needed for a battle inside me created by the function of evolution to fight off illness - neat! Oh boy. . . I think there's guerrilla warfare in my chest and Panzer IV tanks at my back.

I've just been binge watching Star Trek : The Next Generation online today. Geez, I always see Americans talking about Netflix. Netflix wasn't even available in this third world country until recently, so I got used to free alternatives. Also, just because my family is loaded on money millionaires and all. . . doesn't mean I have an unlimited allowance, and I've . . . gotten obsessed with saving money. So yay, free alternatives!

Also, fanfiction. Sick day fanfiction. Romantic/comedy/drama sick day fanfiction. Lots of them.

I'm physically weak, but emotionally brighter. I finally get an excuse to just take it easy.

My loopy self had a point there - maybe I can recover with the enthusiasm of believing I could be an alien in the distant interstellar future.

[sanmagic7]

i hope you get better soon, d.r.

being sick, i just do whatever it is that appeals to me, whether it's computer games, watching tv, reading, whatever suits my fancy at the moment.   it sounds like that's exactly what you're doing.

keep taking care of you.  sometimes it pays to be loopy if it gives us some needed time off.  big healing hug to you.

[Sceal]

I too have access to Netflix, or the potential to. But like you, I too have been using free options to watch shows.  It's more economic that way.  There's nothing wrong with saving money, and the fact that your parents are rich, doesn't always means you are.

I am glad that you're feeling emotionally brighter. Hopefully the physical will improve quite quickly too.

[DecimalRocket]

  San and Sceal.

My fever's gone. My body no longer seems to be cooking hot inside like the devil's volcano jacuzzi it seems. Heh. Yesterday, I went on one of my joyful researching sprees on Bitcoin and downloaded programs to earn some online. (Does this count as a first job?) — Yeah, I'm still a newbie trying to figure it out though.

But I had a really tough day emotionally. I began to believe that I was important and deversed help. I was filled with an incredible deep love for myself but somehow . . . my critics just bounced back.

I felt deeply guilty for believing something, shocked that someone like me would deserve kindness, skeptical if this was real, depressed enough to cry for 2 hours over my lack of worth and angry at my own powerlessness. Sigh. Sorry for being so weak.

I'm exhausted. I need to just . . . relax today. Don't want to get a fever again for the same reason.

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
Glad to hear your fever has gone, and I hope that you can relax today - as per your hope to do so.  Wishing you a relaxing and nice day and hope you can cope with a very gentle hug today  from me.  Only if you can tolerate it though, as I really hope you stay well and fever-free.
Take care,
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Oh, it's okay to hug today Hope. I appreciate it.  back.

UPDATE : Watching a Monty Python movie. The jokes are incredibly offensive. I love it! Geez, I can learn a lot from his comedy gig there (in appropriate situations, of course.). Reminds me of those times where I used to do things like buying a teddy bear and made the teddy bear make cheesy pick up lines to strangers or partnered up with a prank buddy to make a fake exorcism in public (entirely unconvincing, but still hilarious). Maybe I could do comedy more alone - I'm too good making friends laugh and not in making myself laugh. Alone and here, while it's good sometimes, I can take things . . . rather seriously.

I feel like a person mentioned in one of Susan Cain's introversion books, where she mentioned a comedian who loved being loud on stage but still preferred spending most of his time quietly reading.

Interesting how new genres teach different things emotionally - like that time I learned how to get thrilled on fear by listening to creepypasta stories - internet horror legends and tales.

Oh well. Let's see what happens.