Messages

That's absolutely awful! I'm so sorry you went though that. Drivers are such @#££&s sometimes. I don't even want to think about what @#£_&&s some drivers can be.

I'm actually in awe of your resilience. I think I know people were probably in awe of mine too, until I crashed due to desperately trying to carry on in spite of everything, quite maniacally I suppose in retrospect.

I haven't ridden a bike since I almost ended up under a bus. I think that was probably wise because I'm dizzy all the time.

You deserve to rest. Rest is allowed. Rest is important.
But I know that relentless "carry on" thing.
I think that's what's responsible for my current permanent lethargy?

You are allowed to rest. You deserve to be slow when you need to slow down.

Yes. I wasn't allowed to choose my own clothes during some parts of my life. I was coerced into wearing clothes I hated.
I can't wear skirts or dresses. Or certain head coverings. I just can't. I was very much a tomboy as a kid and these days I only wear men's clothing. Wearing "female" designated clothing makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Like I'm going to be sick...like I'm going to float out of my body. I haven't had to do so for a very long time, but I still remember the horrible feelings it induced.

I was sexually abused when wearing dresses. I can't stand the feeling of air around my legs. I need the protection of trousers. Skirts and dresses make me feel incredibly vulnerable. I keep my hair short for the same reason. If it gets to any length I catch myself pulling really hard on it like I used to, to comfort myself, as a child, and when I was in an absolutely horrendous domestic abuse situation. As soon as I catch myself doing that, the clippers come out and I cut it very short.
Being able to choose my own clothing and haircut is one of the most wonderful, freeing things in the world.

I can't stand the winter either. I hibernate. I choose to hide a lot. And I beat myself up for it incessantly. I don't think there's a right or wrong about it. You protected yourself because you couldn't face it and I understand that. Feeling guilty won't change anything. Well, not in a good way! I guess feeling guilty about changing plans is partly our abusers' voices beating us up emotionally for them, and maybe partly it's our brain's way of trying to push us to do stuff that we know, logically, is actually probably safe to do, but due to trauma, feels like a threat. I have to really push myself to do things. I struggle so much with doing pretty much everything at the moment so I know what it's like.

I'm sorry I wish I knew a better coping mechanism for avoidance. I'm an expert on avoiding things. But not a clue how to fix it!

I just can't.

I don't know how I got through university and an MA. It's almost like someone else was doing it for me and the other me cringing inside: autopilot?
I could never hold down a job either. I worked in banks (admin) for a while. I could never cope with so much petty office politics, never mind my CPTSD. I left a job I kind of enjoyed (it involved helping people) but it was very triggering at times and I ended up having a breakdown.
I went self employed, thought I could do it. Messed up, went through a lot of self blame for my "laziness and inability" which were actually pretty bad depression and insomnia and just horrible flashbacks.

I write fiction because I enjoy it. I get completely lost in the world of whatever I'm writing and I think that's actually quite healing. Because I feel as though I'm part of the story.

I'm incumbered with some sort of delusion that some day I will make a living from my writing. I hope it's not a delusion. Because it would be a shame if no one else ever got to meet my characters!

You can self publish on Kindle these days, but be warned, I have only sold one copy in a year because I do zero self promotion (which is also part of CPTSD and partly because I have to hide from an abuser.)

Wishing you the best of luck. I feel angry at myself that I "let the abusers win" by never being able to fulfil my career aspirations. I hope you can.

You just described my mother. I remember her complaining bitterly about her family refusing to speak to her or allow her back into the family home where she was living, as a punishment for being with my dad. (she had me when she was 40 but lied to my dad that she was 10 years younger).
I remember her blaming her family for her staying with my dad. Saying they forced her to stay with him by locking her out.
Then she repeated this on me, locking me out of my home because I went to a counselling session with my violent husband. Because she'd locked me out and refused to speak to me, I was homeless (and pregnant) on the street with my violent husband. Great. I didn't go to the counselling session to get back with him, but while I was there, she changed the locks in my house and disappeared. Brilliant. Then of course when I asked her why she repeated on me what was done to her, she had a screaming tantrum.

Quiet little victim who doesn't understand why her daughter refuses to speak to her. Same narcissistic rages, same poison.

I'm so sorry you are suffering the same as me. It's heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking. I will never understand it.

Thank you Blueberry 🙂

Hey Marti, sorry too- I'm very bad at remembering to reply. I have a confession that I was freaked out by the thought of cold on my skin when I went to do it, so I didn't in the end. I always think I'll try things then I don't. I'm putting tiger balm on instead which I guess is probably more scary because once it's there you can't get it off but it's actually very comforting. Thank you for your reply and it's nice to get replies later as it reassures me it's okay to be slow or late 🤣

I started breaking my tablets in half and only having half my prescribed dose of mirtazipine because of feeling so fuzzy and also because of feeling very bloated (I think it's water retention). They seem to be working more or less okay to let me wind down so I can sleep but yeah me too re. nightmares. and I forgot to take my meds last night and only realised I was laying wide awake until 5am because I forgot to take them...oops...

Thanks Kizzie. Ah, okay, that makes sense.

I would like to join the private journals please. Out of interest, how public is the not private journals? Is it available for anyone browsing the site who doesn't join, or can only people who have registered see it?
Thank you 🙂

Thank you for your kindness. I completely forgot I had even written that reply 😕 I've had a brainfog like mustard so not checked in until now. I'm going to have to set myself a reminder to listen in when it becomes available else I will forget all about it! 

Hey well done for contributing 🙂🙂🙂

I'm so uncomfortable with the sound of my voice I think I'm going to skip out of this one. I'm so much more comfortable writing than speaking. Anyone know when it will be broadcast and if it's an online radio that anyone anywhere can listen to or is it more a local thing? I'm permanently paranoid about my voice being recognised. I've had the idea for a long time now that it would be great if a call in show for survivors of relational trauma existed. But I'm way too CPTSD'd to be able to cope with facilitating such a thing. So this sounds very interesting.

Thanks Marti.

That's exactly it: underwater. no focus. heavy. I picked something up in my kitchen yesterday and it felt 10 times the weight it usually does. That was so weird. I have the old electric shock pains running down my arms and legs again. Can't work out if it's the new meds or just the usual coming back because the weather is turning.
Thanks for your advice. Will try the cold pack on diaphragm. Scared of showers currently. So dizzy don't trust myself not to slip over.

Random information:

I've been learning a language that's completely different from English. I speak this language with everyone plus the animals here. My dog can understand things like "Are you hungry? Do you want food?" and "Come here". My fellow humans have not joined in my language learning adventure (not with this specific language anyway) which makes me sad for some reason. When I speak in that language I feel much freer. Like a different person. It's like because the bad memories didn't happen in that language it's more comfortable speaking it? I don't know if anyone else has experienced that but it helps. A lot. I'm never going to be fluent unless I spend at least a year in the country they speak it in...so maybe I will some day... that's something to think about at any rate.

There's too much.

It feels like the thoughts and the memories are clogging up my head so new information can't be remembered or retained or processed.

uh, suddenly my small reply I don't remember writing pops up. My brain isn't making sense today. That's the 3rd time that's happened. I don't know what's happening.

Thank you for your reply Bert, I only just saw it.

I've been thinking a lot about little me. I have so much to process there. So much.

Thank you for your kind words. Thank you all of you. I very very much appreciate your kindness and understanding.