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Relying on old technology to view the eclipse (Lucky Charms box, tin foil, tape, and scissors) led me out of my apartment.  If I had stayed in and watched it on NASA, I would have missed the crescent-shaped sun dapples hiding under the trees.  One side of my shadow on the sidewalk was blurry, the other side crisp.  I met a boy who ran down from his porch to show me his special sunglasses.  I tried them on and I can't describe how beautiful it was not just to see the face of the eclipse, but to know that what I was looking at was this massive, churning ball of unkempt fire, previously completely taboo to view; and in front of it, the body of the moon I know so well. 

I could eat the candy right out of the picture..........That York bar belongs in the Met!     And the animal portraits are absolute gold.  Such warmth! 

I love your linework!  So beautiful.  The minimalism, the crisp edges that seem to hum....Impressionist flawlessness.   

Hello again! 

Sorry for absence, I haven't been online......  I've been out in The World

The last few days I've been working on getting the DMV and my car handled so I can drive again.  There are so many things that have fallen by the wayside because I just stopped dealing with things (like the mail), putting my hands on them and possibly making bad go to worse. 

I went to the DMV and it took around 2 hours.   I was frizzled getting out the door and forgot my charger, so I had to save the phone for emergencies and couldn't use it to pass the time.  So guess who spent 2 hours people watching?  The person who physically runs away from the sight of people.  As I was sitting there desperately trying not to space out, I noticed a little boy running in circles around the group of chairs, hollering and giggling.  Most people seemed irritated with him, but I felt this 'child's joy' just washing over the blank yellow tones of the room.  I feel blessed that I forgot that phone charger, I would have never noticed him.  I got my DL handled (look out road!) and should be driving again within a week.  I asked for Window 13 in my mind when I walked in, and out of some thirty-odd windows, I got my lucky 13.

I also went to WalMart    Yesterday seemed very big.  I found medicine for my betta Cannon, who has been sick a long time.  I came home and cleaned his tank and put the medicine in, and I haven't felt that good inside in a long time as I did watching him dance around in the happy water.  I picked up a journal in the Back-to-School section.  I'm going to go read posts here about how to journal, online it says to write about the hard stuff and work it out like that, but I don't think I'm ready to just barrel down that hill as a rookie. 

And @candid --  'Several vs. Seven', thank you so much for this.  It hit me in my heart. 

Good morning!  Thank you for replying, especially the words regarding injury vs. illness, they are hopeful to me    


MORE POSSIBLE TRIGGER STUFF

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I went in to be frank with the doctor because.........the last time I went to handle a payment, two nice sheriffs were eventually sent to my house to make sure I was okay.  Long story about how I can't function around money.  But I wanted the medication/Q&A sessions to be working, so I've been reporting to Dr. V "mostly good".  I want it to be mostly good more than anything.  She's seen me lose it one time before, and I felt like she didn't expect that at ALL.  She's tried to bring it up again and I just kind of shrugged it off.

I WANT TO BE CLEAR SO I'M NOT IN THE WRONG PLACE AND OUT OF LINE HERE: 

She didn't say the phrase "PTSD" or "CPTSD".  She just started showing me some methods she was going to be using to treat me, a model about a resilient zone and stretching that so I can deal with more ups and downs.  It looked like a graph with a nice wave and there was another wave graph with a lightning bolt (trigger) and the wave going up and down and plateauing.  She said that she believes I skip the low part and just go straight to the high level that is on the end of the graph, which sounds pretty accurate.  She had me download an app.  She did say I have a lot of traumatic stress and started talking about coming in more often.  She scheduled three future appointments, and if you have Kaiser, you may have the same problem with constant reschedules.....NO ONE gets a 3-pack scheduled during the actual appointment afaik .   She gave me a hug, and told me I am her hero.  Don't get me wrong, I'm just as confused as you are.  She's kind and helpful but never bridges that gap, like what doctor does that in a giant Kaiser hospital?  I will put more as she lets me know Officially™, but it was just her mentioning trauma multiple times and some of the keywords about treatment (JUUUUUST realized that she mentioned the eye-movement treatment in a previous appointment, so maybe I'm not as good of a liar as I'm thinking) that got me to this page.  There's no one specific cause/occurrence for feeling and reacting this way, I can't pick one, even if I did, the symptoms go back farther. 

Honestly, the world is pretty garbage, I know it for many facts personally, like this world is sick, SICK.  Even worse happens Out There to Other People, and I don't want any part of any of it any more, and it's become a large problem if I have any interest in engaging in life.  I don't have a preference if it was just me, but I have a wonderful son and husband and I need to be okay so that they can live happy lives.  Watching Netflix is okay but so is going to school functions and nice outdoor places like the beach that is ten minutes away, and I've been to two times in 3 years, both forced.  I owe one city library 50 dollars and it took a week for me to rack up the nerve to take my son to a DIFFERENT CITY'S library to attempt to get him a card.  We ended up having a great time and both walked out with cards.  This happens and then I go home and the problems that can't be fixed or shouldn't be thought about so intently come rushing back the minute I get home and alone.  I want to balance it.

Anyhow, thank you for writing back.     I really appreciate the words of reassurance and once again, some phrasing just hitting too close to home lol.  I am glad to have met you guys here......have a pleasant day until we meet again

I was diagnosed last Thursday.  I am glad to have found this website full of information and the forum so quickly.   Everyone seems kind in posts but I've felt shy to say anything, and I hope this isn't a terribly negative post or makes anyone feel bad, I'm being as plainly honest as I can in one shot so I don't wimp out on posting again. 
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so  TRIGGER WARNING on Symptoms, but I will try to not be graphic.

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The doctor is very adamant that I have this thing.  I should accept that something is absolutely wrong with my brain.  I've known that my symptoms were some type of thing that most people never act or feel like.  I have now seen MANY articles and lists of symptoms that sound like they were written by the people that live with me.  I felt sick looking at myself on the pages and I have cried a lot since then. 

I feel far away from the diagnosis and am unable to connect with the idea.  I've only heard of people who have been to war and came back, and were unable to mentally come all the way back.  I'm not a veteran and I feel like no matter what I went through in my life, it's not anything compared to the things they've seen.  Also, I have been the director of my life since the day I turned 18, so by this age I am pretty damn sure that I am the common denominator in all the problems I am facing.  I want to hide this condition from everyone and at the same time, I want to connect in secret with the other people who have this mostly so I can be sure that it's real and how to make the best of things and manage life like a normal person.  I also feel like nothing inside is truly going to change, maybe my perception though.  Whatever causes these feelings and my body to react how it does has been here my whole life. 

SYMPTOMS WARNING

I have finally hit a point where whatever is happening has taken over.  I have giant public meltdowns pretty much any time I'm made to go out with people, handle chores, ride in the car for a long time, or sit in a room without windows.  I mend all my clothes to avoid clothes shopping.  The doctors have me take medicine that helps  with the anxiety.  I was so scared and worried all the time that was making it physically impossible to leave (because bathroom problems).  The medicine helps, I've been on it for over a year.  I now can make it to necessary places, usually on time.  I still go up and down emotionally, sometimes the switch is severe.  I can't keep a train of thought or remember things from day to day.  I go blank and just stand there and I don't notice until there's a noise or someone comes in the room.  The nightmares have been there every night since I can remember my first dream.  They have been the reason I feel like I became a writer and artist.  It's like living another life when I go to sleep.  I own a house in my dream, and yes, it's haunted as *.  Lots of tornadoes, and millions of light switches everywhere that either don't work or only barely turn on.  Some days when I'm awake, it's all gore in my head, lots of visions that I can't predict that come zooming in from nowhere and I can't NOT see them.  One of the main reasons I went in and got honest with the doctor in full:  the visions were becoming so vile and real that they were making me flinch, even around people.  I hear voices behind the doors that are speaking so low I can't hear the words, but they sound like warnings.  Sometimes I clean all day.  I have to be reminded to eat a lot of the time.  I am 6 feet tall, and I usually weigh 130 to 145.  There are good days, there are wackadoo days, there are down days, some days I'm in the closet with the light off. 

I hope that I haven't offended anyone, and this post reached the right place.  I will continue to read the forum, it's good to see both the posts that seem a little close to home and the ones that sound like hope.