Out of the Storm

I decided to write a summary of my story if anyone wants to read. I did not bother with keeping it short. Im still confused how I could be so broken by this, so that if someone decides to read through this perhaps theres a chance theyd understand things better then i do. Thank you

Im 26m, had a father who died when i was 12 and was a farmer. Parents split at 7 and I remember yelling in the house and feeling a pain about it (probably earliest memory Ive got). Me and my sister moved between their homes. I remember this pain about it all, being around father and I had alot of anxiety and I think I got attacks of it too. I sometimes felt very spacey and had to stand still for moments, which I wonder if it was dissociation or something. Even if I was above 7 I soiled and peed my pants a few times becouse I was afraid to go to the bathroom, like I didnt have permission or something - dont understand it and Im very ashamed about it, it makes me wonder if I was a little disabled in some ways which has become an obsession today and main reason to hate myself.

Father wanted me to help out at farm and I tried to be obedient to get approval. I have not one memory of him saying anything that made me happy but I remember him being angry at me. He never hit me but would yell or ignore me when angry, and at worst grab my shirt hard by my throat and yell at me. There are some bits of information that tells me a little more about how he was as a person. Mother said he wanted to have the biggest farm in the region and it was a very important goal, but once finally achieved meant nothing. I remember him telling me that  when finished people would stop their cars to stare - I joked about that later when it was completed but he got angry, to him it was very serious. Mother revealed she was forbidden to set foot on his ground, even to drive in and drop us off so she had to stop the car on the road outside (in traffic). One time me and sister wanted to show her something and she asked and got permission while father went into the house. A min later he comes out, furious and screams she must leave now, how could she forget shes not allowed to be there. One of the few times we would do something togheter, he wanted us to rent a movie but he wanted to decide- He picked Saving Private Ryan. Im pretty sure he was pd'ed and perhaps he just saw me as a thing to make him proud. He taught me to drive big tractors and I was able to work on the fields alone like that, which I admit was thrilling but also scared if I would lose control and crash.   

I could never be a perfect child, I was very anxious and had poor self esteem (caused by environment?) but I also have dyscalculia which leads to adhd symptoms. I had a hard time remembering information and was impulsive. I remember he asked me math problems and I couldnt answer, hating myself. I have a memory thats vague of him imitating an autistic child hed seen, ridiculing him which made me very anxious about my own problems. Seeing Elton John on tv he talked about how he was gay and crazy, "gays deserve to die". He died in an accident on the farm one day.

The following years I thought mother acted strange to me. She insisted on helping me shower to prevent schampoo from getting in my eyes, and Id started to feel more private about myself and remember once covering up my private regions, which made her rage and accuse me of making her feel bad. Once when skiing togheter and learning snowboarding I saw the girl in class I liked and decided to go a bit faster and longer to impress her. When done mother was angry, "did you do that just for that girl? Did you?" I had a strong feeling I was not allowed to be intrested in girls. When sexual ed started it made me extremely anxious, almost near vomiting for some reason. In the family we had a habit of giving massages to eachother, and one time I remember feeling mother massaged me in a sexualised way- I told her to just massage on the back but once again she began touching elsewhere. I never allowed being massage again and became paranoid she was sexually intrested in me. It became hard to talk with her, even being in the same room as her, and she began ignoring me aswell. One time when sitting in a bathrobe I distinctly recall her clearly staring between my legs under the table- there could be no mistake she looked elsewhere.

In my teens I became more depressed and got problems with social anxiety and feeling inferior. I started to get physical problems like ibs, irritated eye moucus tissue, weird rashes and being tired all the time. It was so hard for me to be disciplined and determined about anything. I started to notice Id lagged behind my peers probably becouse of how scared I was for the new experiences everybody else seemed to have. My sister struggled with anorexia which was painful to see though I was pretty cut off from things anyway. 

I liked music and art but could never have any discipline to get better at it effectively, but I decided foolishly to study music. At those years I learned barely anything becouse my head started becoming so foggy and in hindsight it seemed my emotional maturity deterioated until felt utterly pathetic and totally incapable and dealing with anything life. I think I started to develop alot of avoidant pd traits. Ive also wondered if Im a little on the spectrum, if not enough to be diagnosed then still enough to feel far younger and less capable than my peers. I developed bulimia. When I lived away 1 year at 20 to study art my depression intensified and I had a few moments of audial and visual hallucinations when trying to sleep (single flash of light and angry voices). I started to make suicide plans but never got on to it, went home to mothers apartment and have lived there since crippled by depression. Ive had a few hallucinations again during these years, always when falling sleep (once woke up by "hearing" mothers angry voice though). The hallucinations have always been when Ive been intensily in emotional pain, never otherwise and its now been a long time since it happened.

I think I was/am personality disordered- no identity or personality, probably avoidant but Ive also had grandiose fantasys too, like someone with traits of narcissism/bpd. Ive been self harming. Becouse of how desperate I was for a sense of identity I started imitating different idols I had in periods. Its very embaressing to write this but I hope it can be understood. For a long time Michael Jackson was the main inspiration I tried to model my behaviour somewhat after (I was convinced after looking into things that he was innocent). I think with my own feelings of being so immature togheter with thinking there were a few similarities in our storys of abuse, I felt somehow connected to my own view of who he was. This led to me embaressing myself alot which today cause me extreme amounts of shame. I just had little ability to judge how I seemed to others. I thought that if I had this eccentric persona of being childlike Id be accepted and liked despite being so incapable of dealing with the life of being an adult. Some seemed to like me that way, somehow.

I tried regular talk-therapy, but I quit not long after I had a (now confirmed by others here) abusive untrained therapist. Ive done part-time work now and then, taking art classes to try to get out of my room some. During winter I started to feel convinced I had no future and fell into despair. I took up drinking to relax from the anxiety which spiraled out of control until I decided to quit late summer, feeling more hopeful. Again Ive had suicidal thoughts now every day and I feel cut off from life, indifferent. My brain fog has at times been so bad it became hard to speak, I felt I just cant think, no memory of my yesterdays, balance issues, visual snow, twitches, shaky muscles. Im not really bulimic anymore. Mother goes between being a bit warm to me and seeming to hate me. Not long ago she said how I made her cry as a kid becouse I could never remember anything, aswell as I should never question her as a parent becouse she is educated to work with children. I try to stop analyse people but I think she has traits of bpd.

I feel broken as a person. Ive never succeded with anything, no friends, never had a gf/intimacy and prob couldnt. I obsess about my intelligence and that Im too dumb to find happyness, achieve anything, even live independently. I dont trust any opinion I have, cant have opinions on politics, movies, anything. I question anything I think and feel unreal. I feel just empty. Somehow I cant stop reading into the uglyness about humanity: the regular occurence of regular people shouting "jump" to suicide attempters, parents who confess not being able to love their kids becouse of issues with them, like adhd etc, and I realise how harsch and cold the world is, that you can be born with a mind/problem that doom you to be unloved. Like I probably was becouse of dyscalculia/adhd. I honestly think I hate the world and dont care much for people and humanity, except my instincts to be somewhat polite remain. I dont believe company and relationships can ever feel worthwhile to me, and I wonder if I ever came to such a position, would I be tempted to be abusive becouse of my hate? Does this mean Im truly broken beyond repair, feeling everything is so empty and worthless?

Its impossible to imagine finding any worthwhile normalcy after being in this dark place. Suicidal thoughts are increasing and I cant imagine anything changing this.

Lizardguy, I read the whole story, and I do not think that you are broken beyond repair. You seem like a kind and sensitive person (a really good thing, imo), and you really have been through a lot. The anger that you feel is normal, and doesn't make you a bad person. Hating the uglier sides of humanity doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you; it means that there is something RIGHT with you.

I'm sorry that you have had such a tough life so far, and that everything is feeling so hopeless and dark right now. :( I hope that there is some way for you to hold on, because you deserve to live.

:hug:

Thanks for reading. I regret posting already. Do you think my problems are in line with the abuse? I always think no one can respect me ever since my abuse werent very severe. No therapist ive had seem to have taken me seriously. It doesnt get better that i talk and look like a very meek guy. No man have ever talked to me as a fellow man, im always treated differently even by far younger guys. Im very sick of being called kind and sensitive becouse i dont think my personality is very healthy and likable. It makes people run over me. This drives me crazy, being me is a prison.

I would echo what mourningdove has said (I read all of your post, I didn't think it was too long ;) ) - I also don't think you are broken beyond repair.

If I may say so, I hope this doesn't hurt or upset you, but it does seem to me your mother definitely did not respect any sexual boundaries that are normally in place between a mother and her son. Sexual abuse is defined as an adult using a child for feelings of sexual gratification and it certainly seems there was at least a bit of that in your childhood. I can't imagine any professional, experienced and competent therapist dismissing or minimizing this for you.

I am glad you felt secure enough here to tell us your story! I'm familiar with the feeling of regret after a post but honestly there is no need. You are just as worthy as anyone to tell your story and be heard and validated.

There are many exciting new findings about the brain, including its ability to heal and regenerate - something previously not known in the medical field. Do a little research on neuroplasticity and you'll find some very encouraging info!

Thanks again for sharing. It really helps the rest of us. Your bravery is admirable. :)

Lizardguy,

I absolutely do think that your problems are in line with what happened to you. People don't get the kind of problems we have (C-PTSD-type problems) for no reason.

And I know from reading many posts here on OOTS that it is super common for people to feel like what they went through wasn't "bad enough," regardless of what they actually went through. If you have had therapists reinforcing that line of thinking, then they were not good therapists.

I'm sorry that "kind and sensitive" was the wrong thing for me to say. The last thing I meant to do was make you feel worse.

Thank you two for validating my past! I dont know how well I can trust you but Ill try. Ive heard all about minimizing the past problems but Ive always been tempted to exaggerate it instead. Im just so worried I was just always oversensitive, which makes me feel even more pathetic, and that my problems and failures are just who I am, not really caused by serious abuse. I always struggle with this, and maybe my last bit of self esteem hangs on that this was caused my childhood trauma and I couldve been atleast a pretty normal person if not for it..

Mourningdove, Im sorry for my response to your compliment! You were being very kind but my mind started to race with self hatred. When I get a good compliment it reminds me of something very bad. Ive already managed to make a fool of myself after a few posts on the site. Im not in a good state to reply and make sense right now.

I don't think you've made a fool of yourself at all. :hug:

You didn't make a fool out of yourself, lizardguy. I thought that everything you wrote was perfectly understandable. You are doing fine. :yes:

I have always had similar doubts about my own experiences, because I am very sensitive, and was called "oversensitive" by my parents throughout my childhood. (This is another very common theme in many people's posts here.) There is no such thing as "oversensitive." Some people are more sensitive than others. There is no right or wrong involved in that; it's just a matter of natural diversity.

Trauma is defined by its effects and not by its causes, so what matters most is how your difficult experiences have affected you.

I think it's very common to doubt that what you experienced was bad enough. I find myself trying to convince myself that it "wasn't that bad" in order to convince myself that I really don't need to get back onto my past with my therapist. I feel strange posting sometimes because I feel like I don't quite fit in and I have deleted more posts than I have submitted because of that.

I highly encourage you to try a different therapist. There are very good therapists out there that do wonderful work. If there is a local Mental Health Association in your area, try them. They are often community based organizations that are low fee or free and have some really great people working there that can help you find the right therapist to work with and have some really great programs themselves. (We have a great one in my area).

In the meantime, there are a lot of resources available from this site. Look through everything, ask questions here and please do not give up.  Continue to post, your posts are just fine. Let your voice be heard.

The "bad seed" is a myth. It means a child that is born evil. Anyone who treats their child like that is an abuser. (Believe me, I know.) And the parents who talk about not being able to love their attention-challenged kids are messed up people themselves, imo.

It's impossible for anyone here to say what's going on with the hallucinations. Anyone can hallucinate under stressful enough conditions, though. That's why it is common in prison isolation units. It doesn't mean that the prisoners are necessarily "mentally ill"; it means they are under enormous stress. I'm telling you this so that you don't jump to conclusions about it.

i have had many horrible experiences with therapists, and I can only recommend trying to find one who is knowledgeable about C-PTSD. I had to go through three trauma therapists before I found one like that, so it's not always easy. But there may be one out there who would be helpful to you.

Most importantly: You are worthy of care and respect.

:hug:

I've been in a bad fog lately, too. I'm sorry to hear you're in the same boat.  :hug:

We deserve to live and love and heal. Just because - we don't need any other reason. If everyone deserves it then so do you! :)

A therapist would really be able to give you some practical suggestions to help you feel better. I hope you can get some relief soon. Hang in there, we care.  :hug:

I keep deleting my posts becouse when I read them again I think they sound crazy. I cant stop thinking my thoughts are very unusual, that Im crazy and doomed to fail. This mental pain makes me go a bit crazy with trying to escape it Im sure. I have no idea what to do to fix this.

Hi lizardguy,

I hope that you do whatever you need to do to feel safe, but please know that you haven't done anything wrong. You haven't written anything "crazy." In fact, everything that you have been describing makes perfect sense for someone who has been traumatized - even thinking that your posts are crazy and deleting them.

I'm sorry that you are hurting. :(

lizardguy - Keep posting. I've deleted many myself, I understand the hesitation. Sometimes, I just need to write something, but I am not ready to share it - even with this caring community. Those times, I type it in a folder on my computer that is password locked. Even that can help me get the poison out. When I'm ready to share, I do. And I'm always honored by this community and the caring everyone shows to everyone else.

Even without a therapist (though I do hope you can find a QUALITY one some day, hopefully soon), you can begin to let out the poison and begin some of your own healing.

As to the 'not that bad', I completely get that. My story is tame compared to yours. But, and this is the important part, it makes my story no less valid to me. YOUR pain is real. YOUR sense of being wronged is real. IT's valid - simply because it exists! You have a right to keep breathing. You have a right to keep moving. You have a right to be valued as a human being on this planet. THAT IS A RIGHT. NOT a privilege that must be earned.

I read the entire post, and all the answers so far. I can feel the pain flowing through your story. I also believe it is going to be a challenge to begin your journey to wellness while still actually and literally trapped at your mother's apartment. Your computer (or phone, however you connect to the internet) may be the only privacy and 'travel' you get for a while. The great news is that there are many resources available to help you.

None of us can help with anything like a diagnosis. What you've suffered through, in childhood and now, would affect anyone deeply. It sounds as if your sister is also suffering as a result of your childhoods together. However, you are here. You are reaching out - which is a feat of bravery! YOU are the one we are concerned about right now - because YOU matter! I only mention your sister because it seems to validate that the experience you had is real, was real, was abusive, is still abusive.

May I give you one encouragement? No matter how crazy it sounds to you, inside your head, likely there is someone on this forum who has said/felt/done the same things and would completely understand. How many of us ended up in therapy because we thought we were losing our minds? It's like the cliché, if you're asking if you're crazy, you're probably not. A crazy person usually is sure they're fine, it's the rest of the world that's nuts. The fact that you reached out at all is beautiful. And, yes, I mean beautiful. Please, take to heart our encouragements. Hear us when we call you brave. Know we are sincere when we say that YOU matter, YOU count, YOU deserve a life where happiness is possible.

You don't need to add visible signs, the suffering you've survived is real. It's enough. We understand it. Many of us have survived similar situations. There is no competition here. There is no 'My wound is bigger, so I'm more deserving.' We all honor each other as the survivors we are. We hope you will join us as a fellow survivor. We would like to join you on your journey, if you'll allow us.

hey, lizardguy,

i read everything, and i found nothing crazy about any of it.  i agree with everyone's responses, especially that you're worth being here.  it was the craziness around you that makes you think otherwise.

we work so hard to survive what has come our way, then, often, we can hardly bear the survival.  it's so messed up.  but that's at the crux of all of it - IT'S so messed up and by default, we have become messed up, not knowing what's right/wrong with us, not knowing which way is up or down, trying to retain our sanity in the midst of the madness surrounding us.  we become entangled in a ball of false information that was given to us by others who were older and who we trusted to do what's best for us.   

and that's why, to my mind, it becomes so difficult to trust ourselves.  our small child voices were overridden by the loud powerful voices of the adults around us.  our own voices got drowned out, and we kept our heads above water as best we could in order to survive, using child logic in the hopes of making sense of adult logic.  no wonder we often feel like we can do nothing right, like we're going to fail at everything we do!   

i echo the sentiments of everyone else here, that you are worth the time and effort to detangle from all you've been through in order to rediscover the real you.  someone who is brave enough to allow his vulnerability to show is a very strong person, indeed.  i hope you keep posting.  personally, and i hope you don't take this the wrong way, i think you're an interesting guy.   i hope to hear more from you.  big hug to you.

You are right to be skeptical of what unknown people tell you online. We could have some kind of hidden agenda. But what if we don't? What if we are just telling you what we believe to be true, based on what you have written? What if you haven't done anything wrong and you deserve to live?

Worried about you, lizardguy.

Lizardguy,

You don't need to be flawless, to deserve love and to be treated with respect, or to be entitled to protest and refuse to accept unfair or abusive behaviour from others, which is lucky because no-one is anywhere near flawless.  Equally, the person who has hurt you doesn't need to be endlessly bad.  To have boundaries we don't need to make judgements about the character or motives of those who offend us, in fact it's better not to, otherwise we end up tying ourselves in knots about whether we have a right to enforce a boundary.  If someone is standing on my foot I can require them to remove it, end of.

You are not doomed to a miserable future,  no matter your talents and abilities, and I don't accept your current assesment of those, based on what you've written here alone.  But even if you were as you feel yourself to be, that wouldn't doom you to unhappiness.  Happiness isn't just for the most talented or smart, or owners of any quality or qualities.

You don't have to worry about dragging people down.  If we are in danger of being badly affected by what we might read here, we can stop reading.  There have been times I've stayed away from this board because I felt that I couldn't handle reading it at that time.

I'm glad you have posted about how bad you are feeling.  I wish there was a way I could take the horrible feelings away, but I can't.  I can tell you that I've felt my situation was completely hopeless, but that I don't feel that way now.

Take care.  A cyber-hug if you want to accept one.

I wanted to make an update in this thread so that it's known that I'm not in any danger anymore. My outlook is much better now and I'm not fantasizing or concidering suicide as an option anymore. I'm much more hopeful and I don't think I'll slip out of that easily as it's clear its more in line with reality and my actual options.

I care far too much about my family to concider it ever an option now when I'm able to think a bit more. Me and mother had a long conversation and time I feel I do care about her alot and she for me. But she's a person with many flaws, and impulsive and somewhat clueless, but I think I can forgive her. Maybe she didn't know better and didn't think things through. A huge relief was that she said that aside from dyscalculia I have never shown signs of other issues. I'm still depressed and anxious and struggle with alot of existantial thoughts and depersonalization, and feeling pretty shut down as a person, but atleast I'm better.  :)

Thanks to everyone who commented and cared to listen and help. I'm so happy for everyone here that there's people like you.

I am so glad you came back to talk with us again!

Sincerely, I hope your mother means what she's saying and that you are safe. If there is any way to pursue therapy online or via phone - or even in person - that may still be a good idea. If nothing else, this website and some good therapy could give you the tools to recognize when you're headed down the dark road again and get you out of 'that place' more easily.

:hug: Thank you, again, for returning to us and giving us an update!

Yes, thank you! You give us all hope. ♡

just glad you're feeling better, lizardguy.  this stuff is so sinister.  i remember once hearing that addiction is an illness that tells us we're ok and everyone else is wrong.  i see c-ptsd as just the opposite - everyone else was right, and i'm all wrong.  untangling ourselves from all that is quite the task.  i think you've got a good start on it.  keep taking care of you. 

Thank you.

I'm a bit more hopeful now but worried about some symptoms. Back when I was in therapy, that doctor who offered to give me some sessions said he believed I'm mildly bipolar becouse I mentioned having a few up's now and then when generally very depressed, and he put me on a children's dosage of bipolar meds which had little effect on me. The times I wondered about if I had been mildly manic lasted usually a few hours where my thoughts rushed, I often had trouble sleeping before getting up (high pulse even if I really felt I was tired) and felt hyper, had rushing thoughts but only felt somewhat positive (I could only feel "happy" if I'd read or watched some vid about recovery from trauma for example and felt in the moment I can actually get better) before crashing later in exhaustion. This stopped when I stopped my bulimic eating pattern. I can't remember clearly but I suspect this always happened when I'd been without food over 24 h. I'd also drink coffee or cal-free energy drinks then. I wonder also if ketosis (when body enters the fat burning stage) could also have been a cause becouse I read about how it can cause sleeping problems. I always had head aches, especially if I had just come off a huge sugar binge and began fasting.

These days I have a few days now and then when I feel a bit more energy but nothing like having thoughts rushing and that. My energy still seem to go a bit up and down. I also change between total numbness and getting very easily emotional by movies or music. My pulse feels constantly slightly higher no matter how exhausted I feel. I have alot of pains in my body, most from being so stiff and unfit but I have a weird pain in my chest with tingling sensations.

Lately I've had like milder hallucinations of those flashes when being tired and drifting asleep. It looks like when I have my eyes closed there's a small flash in my vision and I immediatelly understand I've had a hallucination. My sight is weird aside from this, everything looks flat, a bit like a tv with no channel on, sometimes a bit doubled and it's hard to read etc. I'm sure I have depersonalization becouse I sure relate to those symptoms.

Hi, lizardguy.

First of all you are definitely in the right place. You belong here.

Regarding bipolar-- therapists who don't know better often mistake PTSD and C-PTSD symptoms for bipolar! I almost got misdiagnosed with bipolar because I had a few hallucinations, but then my therapist found out that PTSD/C-PTSD can actually cause hallucinations by itself. (Even depression alone can have hallucinations as a feature.)

Regarding sleep problems-- that's also a huge part of PTSD/C-PTSD. Feeling keyed up and unable to sleep is very common.

the connection you mentioned between what and how we eat and how our minds/bodies respond is very important.  when we don't give ourselves the right kinds and amounts of fuel, it can really wreak havoc with how we're feeling.

hopefully, you'll discover the source of these other bothersome symptoms you're having, and they will be resolved.  keep on keepin' on, lizardguy.  i do believe you're making progress.  hugs to you!

 Hi, I'm new asof tonight and so happy to be here. OMG! I could be the image you see in the mirror with  tweeks in the story line. I'm 54 years old and only now grasping for answers. I need to get some sleep but want to share some of my story tomorrow. It's 2:30 am and I should have been asleep hours ago. I really need people to talk to!

Welcome, cloud dodger! I look forward to hearing more from you. Thanks for joining! :wave:

I'm just so confused I don't know were to start but at the beginning of my trauma which is pretty much the beginning of my life at 5 1/2. I grew up on a farm with 4 siblings, 3 brothers and a sister and both parents as I was the youngest. Sibling #1 was 10 yrs older than I then was my sister 9 yrs older. The first traumatic event was witnessing the oldest throw a hammer at my brother of 2 yrs older than me from a shed he was building because of a bad temper. The hammer bounced of of the ground striking sibling number #4 behind the ear causing profuse bleeding, ( He lived.) this happened 1968.
    Same year brother number #4 and I taking a bath together submerged a lamp under the water with our faces submerged to see what light looked like under water. Parents were out and sibling #3 was home babysitting us at age 13. Needless to say we were being electrocuted the very minute our parents decided to stop by the house. Trauma #3 same year...I come down stairs one morning to find out that my mother is gone and they are getting divorced and were moving to another farm and different school. (Didn't see her for six months) and when I did she was remarried.
   So we were living with our father with a short fuse. My sister was my surrogate mother. I slept in her room from crib till I was old enough to sleep in her bed with her for the lack of rooms until age six when she and four of her friends died on new years eve plowing into a train that drug them 1/2 mile until it stopped.  I was left to sleep in the same bed afterwards which found me waking up screaming from shock.
   I'm sorry don't mean to drag this out but the rest of my life was met with 8 different women to bond with from four to truly bonding with just to be abandoned from dad chasing them off. I've never known anything different than depression loneliness and all the other symptoms like self harm, anger
narcissistic behavior. I also suffer from dyscalculia and all of this has gone undiagnosed to this day. No one even shows any concern for validation. I have went three different times to get help throughout my life. I have a daughter in-law that is a social worker that scolded me for trying to self diagnose and a twelve step therapy councilor telling me I need to see a therapist. I have isolated myself to the point that there is no body I can talk to that will try to understand.
   I just want it to end!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry! Telling our stories has been a healing experience for many of us here.

I read every word and am very sorry to hear everything you've been through. Especially sorry to hear about the loss of your sister, my heart goes out to you. How terrifying that must have been for you at such a tender age! You certainly should have been shielded from the details.

As far as self-diagnosing, sometimes that's all we have! There is a great shortage of counselors and therapists who are adequately prepared to help us or even give us a correct diagnosis. I was diagnosed in '12 with PTSD but after doing some research, I also self-diagnosed with complex ptsd. I have just recently returned to therapy, and it is helping just to talk about things, even tho my therapist didn't know the difference between the two disorders or even what cptsd was! (He does now.  ;) )

It seems that with awareness about cptsd spreading, our options for help are growing. I hope you poke around here on this site and find more info that can start you off in the right direction. It can be overwhelming, I know, so take your time. In the meantime, feel free to jump into other threads to make comments or ask questions. We value your input. Thanks for joining!

(P.s. I added "TW" at the beginning of your post - it means Trigger Warning and helps people avoid reading things they're not prepared for.  ;) )

Thank you Three Roses for your kindness.

Lizardguy: I recognize many of the things you wrote in myself.
I also have dyscalculia and was always told that I probably have ADHD though I didn't score high enough on when they ran the ADHD test on me (another failure on my part I thought).
I used to bite my nails everyday at school and my nose was always running when I became nervous and people became annoyed with my tedious sniffing. (I refused to blow my nose because I thought that it was gross).
It still happens to me sometimes when I get nervous.
I also used to have weird itchy rashes on my fingers that I would scratch and bite along with my nails.
It's like I was this high strung bundle of nerves just vibrating with anxiety and not being able to focus on school yet not wanting to ask for help since I was ashamed that I would look stupid.
My mother used to tease me about knowing simple math problems or being able to tell the time on a clock as well.

I used to wet the bed in my sleep and was in my teens last time it happened.
Though I read somewhere that the body is missing a hormone of sort if that is happening.
In your case I picture a child that was too scared to move because he didn't want to stir up the aggressions that was floating around in the air, leaving you paralysed and out of control, even of your own body functions.
How terrifying it must have been!

My mother was also a specialised child psychologist, sort of, she used to evaluate children with learning difficulties and wanted to evaluate me into having ADHD because of my bad grades.
I can relate to not feeling able to criticize her because she's the 'well educated professional who knew more', even though I remember bringing up some really valid critique against her methods. (which was immediately shot down of course)

I've also dealt a lot with feeling stupid and not accepted for who I am and feeling like a child on the inside.
Also kind of an artist, I used to draw a lot but my mother would stifle my inspiration by trying to steer me into doing art that she liked and could show off to her friends.

I can see why you felt weird about your mothers inappropriate touching and I am so sorry that she invalidated you when you tried to set boundaries.
She should have respected you instead of focusing on feeling blamed and wrongfully accused as if your feelings was an active insult towards her.

I've dealt with a lot of shame myself, the same as you I suppose.
And for the most part living in a fantasy world to cheer me up.
Have you looked up "derealisation"?
That is what the "spacing out" is called, it can happen to you when you live with a constant amount of stress even if it's a low level kind of stress like always being vigilant.

Oh, and I went on medication for ADHD one time and also saw light flashes before sleeping.
(It seemed so weird how a lot of the things you mentioned also applies to me)
And sometimes seeing things at the corner of my eye when stressed.

I guess I am trying to say that you're not the only weird person out there who is full of self doubt, self blame and feeling heavily exhaustingly ashamed of yourself every god damned day.  :hug: (volontary hug if you want)

I don't really have any good advice right now.
I'm planning on joining aca- groups to get in touch with people who are like me and maybe try and feel a little bit less ashamed of my inherited anxiety.
Main focus will be to not assume blame for everything and not attack myself for not being perfect in an imperfect world.. or something like that.

I suppose both you and I carry all of the responsibility for all the hurt in our families on our shoulders as if that is the natural state of things.
Oh, what a dream it would be to maybe one day start to question that it might not really be fair for us to harbour all the blame and pain that ever happened. You know?
May we ever dare be so narcissistic that we can truly believe that we don't have any reason to feel ashamed today?