Messages

Hi kdke,

I've been away from here for the last few weeks. Just wanted to say I really enjoyed your sharing about your shadow.

Also, your creativity is beautiful! I hope you continue to find more opportunities to allow for Little kdke's expression.

Sending a hug (if you like),
Seashell

Hello BeHea1thy,

Thank you kindly for your response and words of encouragement. Very relevant indeed.

The validation of realizing the memory will never go away is helpful too.

Thanks again!
Seashell

Hi Libby,

I finally had the chance to read through your recovery journal. I had been away from the forum for the last few weeks.

I'm not sure how you've been doing and feeling lately but I just wanted to let you know your progress was encouraging for me to read. Great work!

Also, I can deeply relate to the feelings of detachment and isolation.

Sending you a hug and supportive thoughts!
-  Seashell

Well it has been a while since I've been on here. It feels good to be back. Kdke - Thanks for your thoughts and words of encouragement.

Today I was cutting the grass when a panic attack came over me out of nowhere. I continued to cut the grass by breathing through the experience but I have no idea what triggered it.

I'm having a difficult time because it seems like everything triggers me. Sometimes I know what the trigger is about and other times I'm completely left in the dark with no knowledge as to why the anxiety has increased. Even when I am aware of the trigger my thoughts can ruminate and turn negative very quickly.

I've also come to realize I've been numbing myself and dissociating so much to make it through life. So much numbing and dissociation that I'm struggling to find ways to deal with life on life's terms.

I'm going to keep trying to figure this whole thing out. I just wanted to check in.

Hello kdke,

This letter was so wonderful! I acknowledge your efforts to reconnect with your inner child and I hope to do the same. Little Kdke is lucky to have you!

Warmest thoughts,
Seashell

Hello Libby and thanks!  My husband keeps reminding me it's never too late for anyone to change and to take things one day at a time.  Just some helpful reminders for all of us.

I want to write more but my thoughts aren't coming together at the moment.  I'll be back when they are more cohesive.

**** TW regarding suicide ****

Today is a challenging day. It is the 5th anniversary of my mother's death. She died by suicide after spending the majority of her life in depression, anxiety, PTSD, bipolar, BPD? The diagnoses never really stuck but looking back on some of her behavior it seems cPTSD was likely plaguing her too.

My relationship with my mother was complicated. At times we were close (or as close as she could allow us to be), while other times I had to go NC with her because she could emotionally destroy me with a 5 minute phone call despite my attempts to self soothe and stand up for myself.

I've heard people often feel guilty after someone dies particularly when the death is by suicide. I've been working on my guilt for 5 years now. At the time of her death I was NC with her. I didn't even hug her or talk to her the last time I saw her at a family dinner a couple weeks before her death. Now don't get me wrong, she did things that hurt me badly but at the same time I am just now realizing I did things to hurt her too. Her side of the family is incredibly manipulative and to survive my childhood I learned to be manipulative too. This is a scary truth I've been running away from for a while now.

The thing is I can't keep running away from the truth. And oh how I've tried. My FOO is full of escapism and avoidance strategies. I've tried to tow the line and follow all of the family's dysfunctional ways but in doing so I've hurt myself and others.

The part that's really getting to me is this - my stakes are high. Meaning escaping and avoiding isn't going to "work" for much longer. Recently I've collapsed for the 5th time in my life and I'm very aware that what I've been doing isn't working and yet the fear to try something else is paralyzing.

I didn't know I had cPTSD until a few weeks ago. I think I'm still in shock about that and I'm definitely still trying to grasp what it all means...

I'm sorry to hear Grace is on academic suspension. I can see you've been reflecting a lot on the entire situation.

I really enjoyed your description of thinking about people as puzzles. It allows for a much more nuanced understanding of humans and human behavior.

Thanks for sharing about your experience with an eating disorder. I never thought about disorders and habits in quite the way you outlined here but it makes a lot of sense and it's giving me some things to consider.

Thanks sanmagic7 and kdke. I appreciate your replies as I learn to step onto this path of recovery.

Recovery - is it possible for me? I hope so... I'm 31 years old but I feel (and often act) like a child. A child that is so scared, angry and sad. I don't know where to put myself. I don't know who I am or what I want my life to look like. After spending all these years looking to others (mainly my FOO) for answers about how to act and how to live I am confused, overwhelmed and devastated.

While I realize I am not alone in this journey I often get surges of emotion that try to convince me otherwise. I also keep yearning for a quick and easy solution. And at the same time it seems I'm attached to the discomfort and discontent that has been my reality from all the emotional abuse since birth.

I try to remind myself that I'm going through all of this for a reason. Perhaps I will share my experiences to help others in ways I haven't even imagined yet. For today, I will focus on learning ways to be a loving supportive parent to myself. I'm scared but I know I need to start showing up for myself consistently to the best of my ability.

Hello. It is my first time writing in this (or any) forum. I'm here to start moving out of the isolation and denial. Despite years of therapy and medications for depression and anxiety, CPTSD has only been brought to my attention in the last month. It's rather puzzling to me because I was forthcoming about my childhood abuse (mainly emotional from a mother who struggled with severe mental health issues and a father who was an active alcoholic for most of my life). Regardless, I am thankful to have randomly stumbled upon OOTS and this forum. Thank you all for providing a safe place to share.

I am curious if anyone has resources, strategies, etc. for overcoming freeze-flight reactions. Also any insights from experiences with Chaos Manufacture and "Control Me" Syndrome would be helpful too. These are patterns I'm continuing to get stuck in and while I know this isn't a substitute for therapy I'd still welcome experiences or insights that people might want to share about these things or anything else that might bubble up from reading my post.

Love and light,
Seashell