Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[Not Alone]

I'm happy that positive things are happening for you.

[BeeKeeper]

  Armadillo and notalone!

So, get out the pom poms and let's all spend some time screaming too!

Update July 9

My mind was completely blown last night, in a good way. Scary-happy. In retrospect is seems like the perfect time too.

It's been years (decades?) since I took initiative with a male social interaction. This is the first time it went well. Not only did he show up, but the entire experience exceeded all my expectations. I was hoping for an easy, safe, "casual" or serious conversation which showed trust and respect. I hoped for a couple laughs, a little bit of jittery excitement and a long period of processing afterward. I hoped for a tiny glimmer of physical interaction, but not too much. I hoped for respected boundaries and feeling like there might be potential for a "meaningful" relationship. Checks on all counts.

At 7:05, I checked the remote control button on my door frame that looks like a door bell. It activates a "mother" unit inside wirelessly to make 3 connected lamps flash 6 times. I texted instructions to "Barry" beforehand. The lights flashed fine. I opened the door again, and there he was! Fun fact, in all this time, he never realized I was "hearing impaired."

The outrageous thing is this: I was stressed and worried about that awkward pause after the entrance, what do we do or say? And he took care of that in a smooth and sweet way. Once in, he opened both arms wide while saying. "Happy Birthday!". It took me possibly 3 seconds to overcome my shock, accept and return the first hug, and the best hug in the world. Never mind that I was dripping with sweat due to 88 degrees, and that I was wearing a sleeveless tank top to make skin on skin contact. And hello! Nice.

The bottom line is this: I've been thinking of him, he's been thinking of me. He's been here 10 years, I've been here 4. He described me as "quiet." He was here 3 hours. At the one hour mark, he made a remark about me kicking him out. At the conclusion of the visit, 2 more hugs, these were definitely leading someplace. That's when I slammed on the brakes and declared my "shyness" which he respected. I've fantasized about a kiss for months! No problem, He graciously moved back and it ended with safety and good feelings.

Just before entering slumber 4 hours later, I realized my world briefly spun off it's axis, I could not return to my protected isolated space, and assume my previous "brave" roles, or even get those attendant feelings of separateness, aloneness, self-pity tinged with rejection. I had let "Barry" into my life. Curiously, I have not pulled out one single hair today!

[Armadillo]

 

Eeeeeiiii! I'm squealing inside like a 12 yr old girl!

[Snowdrop]

Hooray! Delighted for you.

[BeeKeeper]

"Armee and Snowy"
Thank you friends!

I'm squealing inside like a 12 yr old girl!

Ditto!

adding this Twitter post by @sgrstk (disclaimer-not on Twitter, acquired 2nd hand)

"When you're straightforward, your life has a tendency to keep moving forward.
Be upfront with your intentions, open in conversations, and don't lie to yourself."

Edited for relevance and clarity.

[BeeKeeper]

July 10

My feet have finally touched the ground. I'm starting to experiment with sleep hygiene to see what kind of mileage I can get out of different routines.

Total darkness, door closed
Partial darkness, door open
Nightlights, no nightlights

or any combination of the above. Interesting because it all changes the dept and length of unconsciousness and dreaming.

Due to my short visit at the artist consignment shop, I've dragged out all my potential wares and now contemplating a huge purge. Additionally, I was motivated to remove some out of season clothes I'd crammed into my closet which are headed for the donation bin.

At the same time (gasp!) I am "buckling down" to figure out a beading pattern on paper that has confused me spatially for months! I've made 5 trials, 7 pair of earrings (that's a total of 19 separate pieces without feeling that settled "AH" moment. So, here's to slow and steady wins the prize.

I've gotten a Songs of the 1960's book which has sheet music to some of my favorite Smokey Robinson tunes. He knew how to write classics.

Today is a bit sloggy, but I'm still OK. Am going to dig into Kizzie's article later today. https://www.complextrauma.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/Adult-Treatment-2-Joseph-Spinazzola.pdf

[Armadillo]

Decent sleep makes a big difference in everything. I'm not even sure what magic combination worked to get mine back on track. But I am so grateful it is. Good luck finding things that work for you. 

I'm really happy to read that you weren't triggered to pull a single hair after your visit. That's really good! It took me a long time to figure out how to stop stuff that worked for me. It feels like magic to find the right combination to heal these things we do.

Good luck figuring out that beading!!!

[CactusFlower]

Sleep is such an important thing. It might take time, but I hope you find whatever works for you. I recently got some clutter out of the house as well, and it just makes everything feel... lighter, more open. It's nice.

[BeeKeeper]

I'm affirming sleep is critical Catcus Flower & Armee, 

Getting closer than ever. One fell swoop is a high standard, but I think it''s now at a good stage. Light blocked out at windows, door open until the first awakening, Then door closed, and I get 2-3 extra hours. The interesting thing is that the SSRI is helping me to a less hyper-vigilant stage. Before, every 3 hours, pop! Now, I'm a little deeper and foggier, and not at all eager to enter full consciousness.  Who knows where I can go with this?! Exciting to contemplate "normalcy" after a lifetime getting by.

CF, clearing out unused/unwanted stuff is a sure ticket to feeling light and open. 

July 11

Yesterday was a "grindstone" day, dogged determination to conquer a mathematical beading pattern, which was mostly successful. Now the refinements. Naturally, pushing hard against confusion and mistakes calls forth those parts which start to feel cranky. That's a bad time to do any serious thinking because it's likely to be tinged with discouragement. Fortunately, life looks & feels better today. One reason is that on Monday is "Barry's" day off. He's worked double shifts to cover staffing shortages-which will go on all summer. Hoping that we'll be together, but if not, then I'll wait for the right time, if there is a right time. If not, will try to gracefully let go of my expectations. 

I went for a night walk yesterday and I really miss doing that. I have a little armband light that flashes, so I feel secure. Always on the sidewalk, never on the roadway. There are several apartment complexes nearby, and I enjoyed a well lit stroll peaking in windows which had no coverings. The night smells are nice too, and of course the cool air is welcome after a stifling heat wave.

On Thursday, as I drove to a rural lakeside area, I noticed all the bright orange day lilies along the way and remember how I used to love seeing them and planted them in the yard at the last house I owned. I planted a lilac brush, and lots of annuals. I've kept a shovel (for snow mostly) but also a couple garden tools. (cemeteries mostly). I still harbor hope of having my own little bungalow at some point, who knows?

Along the lines of remembering what I used to like;
iris
lily ponds with flowers
lily of the valley
vineyards
the smell of pine trees
calm lake water in the fall by the shore
the sound of rain on the roof
the faint smell of a wood burning stove
the sound of animals at night
cool crisp air on a bright moonlit night

[CactusFlower]

Bee, that sounds lovely! The bit at the end is a very visual poem, I could picture all of it.

[Armadillo]

Along the lines of remembering what I used to like;
iris
lily ponds with flowers
lily of the valley
vineyards
the smell of pine trees
calm lake water in the fall by the shore
the sound of rain on the roof
the faint smell of a wood burning stove
the sound of animals at night
cool crisp air on a bright moonlit night

I love love love this. And hope for some gently slow but exciting Barry news in the coming weeks.

[BeeKeeper]

Awwww, thanks friends! That was very spur of the moment, who knew it would ripple?

July 12

A bit of an expected frustration this morning with attaching some photos of fabric and a small animal. I carefully checked the sizes, even opening a tab to calculate megabytes to kilobytes, alas, stopped by a machine. No problem, maybe later.

Today is a hot iron, sewing machine, rotary cutter kind of day. My workspace has returned to normal, meaning, there's a huge plastic Dritz work mat on top of my tablecloth and the bead debris has been cleared from the space I use which is a table covered with silicone mat base and layers of insulating fabric. Ironing boards and I don't play well together here.

I'm doing my best to carry on in the face of uncertainty; will I or won't I see my Barry today? I've left the ball in his court, expressed interest in being together, ONLY if he is well rested. That gives him an out. So, he's been working 14-16 hour days 3 or 4 in a row for the last couple of weeks.  And truth be told, if I were him, I'd just say, see you in a couple months. Everyone is covering for a co-worker who broke a foot bone, naturally, it will take 8 weeks to heal. As I remarked when he told me, "goodbye summer."

Along with the simple goal of hemming 4 sides of one cotton piece, I hope to gain momentum and drag out my patterns for zippered pouches. Once upon a time, I made about 7 in a row, all sizes, all kinds of linings and foam innards. I want to get back to it because I've got new cloth which is "happy." It's almost 2 PM in my time zone and I really haven't done much. Fed myself, rallied to clean my iron, repeatedly tried posting, watched my D's IGTV reel and still in neutral. Oh yeah, sorted some receipts, and started a hand wash bucket of wool socks. Whoop!

Update 4 PM. Not happening.

[BeeKeeper]

OK, fell off my balance beam temporarily, but back on.

Post-analysis of Monday's disappointment:
1. Made an unwarranted assumption on Thursday concerning Barry's comment about "my next day off is Monday."
2. Left a small unsigned note tape to Barry's door to indicate my continued interest.

Looking objectively at both items, I think #1 was the bigger issue. I assumed he was telling me because he wanted to get together again. Not true. So, if #1 is false, then #2 is faulty. It's not dead and buried, I don't hate either of us, but I'm seriously looking at my judgments and how they contribute to my needless suffering or unrealistic expectations. I still feel good about our contact, but over-estimated his interest. That's fine, because without mistakes like this, I'm not going to grow and learn.

So, onward to a good day and doing things I don't wanna;
cleaning out the frig
mopping the kitchen floor
vacuuming under the bed
(gasp!) sorting/filing some papers
stair-walking

Update:
Stair-walking check!
Bought a dowel at Lowes so I can put under a metal closet shelf at 45 degree angle from the closet rod. That way I hang stuff and get more mileage out of the space I have here. I've used this in half my utility closet, with 5 rods of hanging backpacks (I really like backpacks!) and it works fine. Naturally, it's a big "to do" since the shelf is a 2 piece slider and I have to reverse it because my dresser is on one side and the doors are metal bi-fold. 

But still, psyched up. I made my weekly allotment of coffee and can tell I'm winding down after 6 years of habit. Thank you Lord! Also, wonder of wonders, my trichotillomania seems to have taken a fork in the road. Dang that workbook, still hasn't arrived, but hey, I'm sure I'll still need it. So, in the past 5 days, intentional pulling = 2. A world record for me! Hello! From double, possible triple digits in the last year to 2.

Is it the SSRI after 4.5 months?
Is it a brief fantasy of potential love and caring?
Is it both?
Is it none?
Is it me finally loving MYSELF?!?

I don't care! 

[BeeKeeper]

July 14

Progress continues! I'm taking small communication risks daily.

A well known store is close to me and I go there 4 times a week to sit in the cafe, and gaze out the window, listen to music, surf the web and sometimes post to various media. Management here is known for switching high level people every 2 years, and the executive chef has been sweet and accommodating to me. I debated on the best way to find out if he was slated for leaving, (he's not) and decided to bundle it with a compliment. First I asked "permission" by saying, "are you in the middle of something?" When he said no, I continued with: "I just want you to know you're appreciated. It's the little things you do without a fuss. I like that you're calm and there's no drama."

He received it well, touched my arm in response and we went on our way. This seems small and mundane, but I obsess over talking with people, but realize it's wasted energy.

On a different note, I also spoke with a cafe staff who appears to really mind that I clean my own table/chair when she's on duty. 90% of the time, the table is dirty. I considered talking about it with others, finding out if there's a policy in place which would make my actions prohibited and finally decided to take the bull by the horns. We've had 3 interactions about me cleaning the tables! So, I called her over and said, "I wanted to know if there's something I'm doing that is annoying you?" She responded with, "Management pays me to clean the tables, and that's my job." We continued: "Well you can't be everywhere at once, and ever since COVID hit, I've been totally focused on cleaning." She replied, "It's OK, you don't have to explain yourself to me." And I concluded with, "Thanks ___, it's not personal, I'm just this way. I want us to get along.

Predictable sleep continues with 5-6 hours in stage 1, then 2 hours in stage 2. Now if I could find a solution for falling asleep within an hour, instead of 2-3. Shutting down Wi-Fi  2 hours in advance is good in theory, longstanding habits are hard to break.

Speaking of habits. I got my Oxford University Press work book and started my awareness phase. Intense stuff.

[Hope67]

Hi BeeKeeper,

I really like the things you've described here - the progress you're making, and reading about the interactions with the executive chef, and the woman who cleans the tables.  I think you have been very considerate in the things you've said to them both, and it looks like they responded well.  It doesn't seem small or mundane to me, it seems very significant and I feel like I want to use this symbol  because it's energy channelled in a constructive and thoughtful way. 

I also wanted to say that I really appreciate being able to read the things you write in your journal - I love your creativity and your ability to do those beadings and other things.  I also remember things you wrote in the past, when you were here a few years back - and how you'd tackled de-cluttering, as that really helped spur me into doing some similar things.  So thank you for inspiring me, BeeKeeper.  I feel like you have a lovely 'essence' to your being - it comes across.   

Hope