Continued from above...
As I was saying,I feel bad for my mom and everything she went through. I understand why she was the way she was and is. There's some things I don't think I can ever forgive her for but I do have compassion for her now. And seeing her as a severely traumatized,abused woman makes a difference for me.
I had to let go and move past the fantasy of having a good,loving mom.Seeing her as just a person changes the way I react. She said and did things on Thanksgiving that would have took me down so fast and knocked me off my feet before.But I was ok,it didn't get to me.I was actually proud of myself after I left and was thinking wow,I never thought that would ever happen.
But I don't believe I could have got to this point if I hadn't gone no contact for so long. I HAD to do it,for myself.It wasn't an easy decision to make or an easy thing to do but I'm glad I did.
Mom's getting up there in age,I would like to have a relationship with her but if it stays as it is,with occassional contact,that's ok.I would rather have that than nothing at all.She won't be around forever,when she's gone I want to be ok with it,and with myself.I don't think I would be ok if I had continued no contact at all.
As I was saying,I feel bad for my mom and everything she went through. I understand why she was the way she was and is. There's some things I don't think I can ever forgive her for but I do have compassion for her now. And seeing her as a severely traumatized,abused woman makes a difference for me.
I had to let go and move past the fantasy of having a good,loving mom.Seeing her as just a person changes the way I react. She said and did things on Thanksgiving that would have took me down so fast and knocked me off my feet before.But I was ok,it didn't get to me.I was actually proud of myself after I left and was thinking wow,I never thought that would ever happen.
But I don't believe I could have got to this point if I hadn't gone no contact for so long. I HAD to do it,for myself.It wasn't an easy decision to make or an easy thing to do but I'm glad I did.
Mom's getting up there in age,I would like to have a relationship with her but if it stays as it is,with occassional contact,that's ok.I would rather have that than nothing at all.She won't be around forever,when she's gone I want to be ok with it,and with myself.I don't think I would be ok if I had continued no contact at all.