Hope's Journal 2024

[Hope67]

16th January 2024
I've been wanting to start this 2024 journal - and am glad I managed to write something today - as I had found it difficult to write before now.  But here I am, and I've taken a few notes to say things I wanted to include in today's entry.  I wanted to do some kind of summary or bringing together of things, and keep note of them here.

I wish I'd thought more of the order of my notes, but looking at them now - I think 'wow, they are jumbled'.  Anyway, I want to attempt to just 'write' now, using the notes, and so whatever comes out on the page here - that's going to stay.  I'm not going to edit it or change it.  If I agree to that rule, then I'll be able to do it, otherwise, I won't manage to.

I've noticed that my dreams have been still focusing on the theme of packing and trying to get away from something in a limited time frame, but instead of feeling completely out of control with that process, this time there are people from my life who are supportive, and they are featuring within the dream, and they are helping me to get away.  So I think that's a very positive change to that particular kind of dream.  I must feel like I have support in my life - and I acknowledge that I do!

Last year I had been doing quite a lot of focus on daily meditation and some EFT tapping, as a way to communicate with my inner experience (parts), and I am pleased that I've managed to do that daily.  I have found it calms and centres my thoughts, and also allows my parts to feel that I listen to them and I have focused on showing care and love to them.  This has resulted in my feeling that nighttime is much better - I am able to self-soothe and regulate my feelings more.  This is resulting in better quality sleep and less experiences of night terrors.  My partner told me I only had a couple of night terrors over the Christmas period, but that was a tougher time for me, in terms of doing things that involved others, that I found more stressful, so I understand why I was more affected at that time.

Although I said I was doing meditation and EFT tapping daily, I do recognise I didn't keep it up over the holiday season (Christmas), and what I noticed during that time was that my variable heart rate levels went back down to between 15 and 20, instead of my previous levels which had been in the 20's.  I got back to doing the meditation and EFT tapping, and the levels are now once again in late 20's to early 30's levels, so I'm pleased to see the changes in those.

The books I've read recently have been really helpful - I read something about 'forgiveness' and a book about 'positivity' and both of those were helpful to me.  I can't remember the authors, as I took them back to the library without writing them down!  I have currently got the book 'Strong at the Broken Places' - I will find the author of that and write it later, as I still have that book, and it's really good - I feel like I'm at a stage now when I can really take in the information and it's helping me to process things.  I think this is because I've been working on stuff for a long while now, and that 'now' I feel more ready - as I am more regulated and present regarding my emotions, and able to better recognise EF's and find ways to help me cope better. 

My partner commented recently that I've been talking less frequently about my past to him, although I noticed when I told him I was reading the book 'Strong at the Broken Places' and he realised it was about CSA, he seemed to be concerned - I think he prefers it when I'm reading books that are about positivity.  But I acknowledge that he'd like me to feel better, and he's concerned at anything that he thinks will affect me.

I've been affected quite a bit by some issues that a TV programme (drama about a local doctor practice - called 'Doctors') has raised.  They have been focusing on a female GP who had a histoscopy carried out, and how she was in intense pain and was upset when it was carried out.  It made me feel incredibly emotional and upset.  I thought back to my difficulty in attending any appointments with GPs and nurses and invasive procedures, and how it's become more difficult to put a mask on regarding my emotions in such circumstances.  I think I realise more now why I feel that way.  But it is upsetting to think about it, and to really realise it.

There was also an episode of that TV programme where a teenager was being moved around a lot geographically, and I relate to that.  But what was really emotive was how the medical staff and people she encountered were actually considering 'her' feelings, and wanting her to talk about how she thought and what she wanted.  That's so great to see that kind of conversation, and it made me feel a lot of feelings regarding how my own thoughts and feelings about stuff in my childhood were completely disregarded and unheard.  Again, very emotive to watch that programme, but I guess it's because I'm 'seeing' and 'feeling' more now, and beginning to see behind the fog of what precluded those perceptions previously.

What I've noticed about my own processing, is that whereas previously events were potent and strong, they were also very fragmented and I couldn't relate them to the correct moments in time - I realise they were often in the wrong place or wrong order, and I've been able to begin to look at events and anchor some of them to a different time, and different place, and feel it's more correct.  I think this is because I've begun to look at things in a different perspective - more stable emotionally, less frequent EF's distorting my perspectives.  I have also considered things in history that can anchor those things - e.g. when prominent famous people died (e.g. Elvis Presley's death for example) - and then I can work out my age at the time etc.

Whereas previously my flashbacks were concentrating more towards my very young years - maybe 5 years old ish.  I've noticed I'm now considering more my teenage years, and how that part of me felt.  Words connected with this time are 'tension' 'anger' grinding teeth' 'neck tension' - I'm realising now how difficult that time was for me, and how much emotion I had repressed and tried to cope with.

Anyway, I'm glad to have written these things here.  Those were writings from my notes, and as I wrote them, I also thought about the fact that I tore up all my notes I'd done about family history and alot of other stuff I'd written in the past - so it's all gone!  I only really have this journal here online in this supportive place.  And that's ok.  I am ok with that.  I feel 'lighter' that it's no longer clogging up my space at home, and also there's no possibility for any people to 'find' it.  I trust my partner, but if others looked at my stuff, I wouldn't be happy.

I'll stop writing now, as I've written a lot and I feel ok for writing it.

I hope to catch up with people in this forum in the coming days - I've had quite a full-on Christmas and New Year - and I was only able to pop by occasionally to read here - I didn't feel able to write anything till now.  It's good to start this journal, and I wish the best for us all in 2024.

Happy New Year!

Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

Happy New Year to you, too. I'm glad you feel ok for having written your first journal entry of the year. It sounds like you are making good progress. I'm pleased for you.

[woodsgnome]

Welcome back, Hope. Your thoughtful writings are always relevant and heartfelt sharing about what can be an up/down/inside/out experience that's also never easy to find words for.

 

[Lakelynn]

Happy 2024 Journaling Hope! I'm so glad to see you're here again and writing about your life.

Your observation about time and memories struck a chord. The chronology is important and I like your strategy of anchoring it to cultural events. I've noticed that when memories pop up without some time anchor, it adds another dimension to pin that down.

I'm glad to hear that your sleep and night dreams have taken a turn for the better. And also that you've discovered a way to add some ease and comfort with meditation and tapping. Your heart is saying "thank you!"

[Armee]

Hi Hope!

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I happy for you that you've come to a place in your journey where you're more regulated emotionally and have been able to do that for yourself.

I understand your feelings about not wanting anyone to see what you've written about not wanting anyone to find what you've written. Maybe you can't be judged that way or maybe it's because it would have meant punishment from your FOO. It makes me think about IFS and what is classified as unburdening, which is a witnessing of what has happened, and how helpful it is to have those exiled parts be heard. However, I think I feel like it would be overpowering to do it all myself. For me, I think it has been very helpful for my t to be a witness to some of the things that happened growing up, and to know that it wasn't as I felt them to be, or maybe it was a way to release some of the shame that surrounded the things I thought about myself. These are just some things that came up for me though.

I hope your journey in 2024 is as good as your journey in 2023, or better!

Sending you support and a hug if it's ok 
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo, Woodsgnome, Lakelynn, Armee and Dollyvee,
Thank you so much         

I really appreciate what you each said.   
Hope 

[Larry]

  sending you some sunshine and good vibes   

[Papa Coco]

Hope,

Your journal entry is inspiring. I can see so clearly that you are making progress in so many ways. It looks like your commitments to daily meditations, EFT tapping, reading the books that were written to help us, being open with your partner, and now journaling again with people you trust are all making a difference in your life.

As we all care about each other, your healing journey helps my healing journey.

Thank you for sharing your progress.

[Hope67]

Hi Papa Coco,
Thank you so much!      Your writings also inspire me - sharing our journeys is such a very helpful thing - this community is invaluable.

************
1st February 2024
I have had a tough day today - I think I was definitely experiencing an EF earlier, and it took quite a lot to ensure I didn't stay in EF into the evening, but I am thankfully feeling much better now.  I know why the EF happened, and I realise I'm processing quite a lot at the moment.  I have a difficulty in that there's an anniversary that is a positive date for one of my 'in-laws' but is also a difficult anniversary for me in terms of something that happened in my FOO - the two things happen on the same date every year, and I have extremely mixed feelings as a result - and feel almost forced to put on a 'smiling persona' to celebrate the positive anniversary, whilst not acknowledging openly the feelings I have about the challenging anniversary (related to FOO).  I decided that I would therefore focus on my feelings about the negative/challenging thing today (even though that's not the actual anniversary date) - and that way maybe I can then feel ok about celebrating the 'in-law' anniversary event.

I don't want to be specific about the events or what they are, beyond what I've written, incase I put anything that is easily recognised by the people themselves. 

I am currently reading 'Strong at the Broken Places: Overcoming The Trauma of Childhood Abuse' by Linda Sanford - I had already read it through once, and found it incredibly useful.  Now I'm going through it slowly and making written notes - so I can process the things more.  I realise that's quite heavy reading, but I do feel 'ready' to do that more now.  I am more present and I'm not dissociating so much. 

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you're able to recognize that you need time for yourself and that you're in an EF. I hope you're able to find some space to process that.

I hope things go well with your reading too and you are able to be more present.

Sending you support 
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Dolly,
Thank you so much.  It's lovely to read what you wrote, and I feel your support.  Thank you 

I am progressing with my reading.  I've been writing/typing up notes that I can keep on my computer.  Just doing that means it slows down the process and enables me to really 'process' it more.  I ended up having some strange dreams as a result, and the content of the dreams were too embarrassing for me to even talk about in my dream journal - I was really surprised.  But at the same time, I think that I am clearly stirring up some things in my reading, and it's affecting my dreams.

I'm not really worried or concerned about that, it's ok.

I really hope I get chance to pop back in your journal sometime soon, Dolly, because I always gain a lot from seeing what you write - you mentioned your experiences with IFS, and it's very interesting and I think you're making strides with it.

**********
4th February 2024
There's a few stressful things going on in my day to day life at the moment, but I am managing to cope.  I feel very tired out now.  I hope I sleep ok tonight and can wake refreshed and ready for a new week ahead.

Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

I hope your plan for dealing with the difficult anniversary helped to keep the in law one separate.

Wishing you a restful sleep and a happy week ahead.

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo,
Thank you.  The plan did prove to be helpful, and I coped better than I anticipated as a result.   

**********
12th February 2024
I have been reading an amazing book this past few days, it is by Bethany Saltman and is called "Strange Situation: A Mother's Journey into the Science of Attachment." (2020).

This book is proving to be really helpful to me, as it is a blend of the science of attachment, but weaving in her own experiences with her mother and also with her child.  I am grateful to Bethany for researching this so closely.  I wanted to quote a part from p.103 of this book, which is something I just read - and wanted to remember:

At this point in the book Bethany is talking to Dr Steele, who is a co-director of the New School's Center for Attachment Research.  She talked to him in 2014, and he said to her about her desire to write a book about attachment in that way "You know, this might be a very difficult book to write".  Bethany replied "Oh?"  He continued by saying "When our attachment systems are activated, like yours is in learning about this research, it can be difficult to also be creative.  The basis of attachment is that we need to be secure in order to creatively explore."

I felt I had to come here and write about the impact of that on me, it makes real sense in terms of how I've been reading lots of books and researching topics related to things, and how I've been learning and finding helpful things amongst all of that, but at the same time, I haven't been able to really do some other things that I'd like to do - like creative writing, Art etc - the more creative things.  It's like I'm not allowed to play.  But maybe it's because my attachment systems are being continually activated by my learning about stuff, and therefore I don't get the chance to relax and enjoy something creative.

Bethany's book is incredibly interesting, I really like it.  I think I'll feel sad when I've finished the book, as I would love it to continue - as it is really giving me some strong feelings of connection with her experiences.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I just popped back, because I realised I'd neglected to thank Larry for the lovely message he put in my journal previously - so thank you Larry - I missed it the first time, and then saw it later.