Fun fact of the day...
Aphotic is the part of an ocean or lake where the last of the sunlight reaches.
Atramentous means 'inky black'.
So there's the origin of my name, lol.
But I guess, I should start my own journal here. I haven't really 'recovered' much at all but it's good to at least have a starting point I think.
For years I've been wanting to figure out what's wrong with me, why my mood dips harder than the crackers that I dip in hummus, where it cracks and breaks into two and leaves me completely dissatisfied and upset. Why my nightmares always seemed to be themed on being trapped, somewhere, someplace, no way of getting out. Why I generally hated myself because I never understood myself, because it felt like I was living in someone else's body and I couldn't control any part of how I felt and behaved. I thought those mood swings were just me overreacting, which really only added to the 'reasons to hate myself' pile.
I read about C-PTSD about half a year ago whilst browsing different mental disorders and illnesses. It was intriguing but I thought nothing of it. It's only recently, with my therapist talking about my traumas and suddenly all this new information about C-PTSD I wasn't aware of, now it's all beginning to click for me.
Thing is though, I'm so... confused about it all. I mean... I match most of the symptoms, and have only recently been getting a grasp of Emotional Flashbacks and coming to terms with what they are. But there's a part of me that doubts me having this condition, a guilty doubt. I know for a fact that my traumas - they are not so bad from what others have experienced. But I'm still so freaking terrified, of my past, of my family.
[Trigger warning start]
I remember the countless times my dad stood me in the hallway, screaming at me, telling me how I can't do even the simplest of things. He'd call me an idiot, said I'm a wimp, told me to stop crying. I had to look directly into his eyes, if I looked away he would slap me. Every time I looked into his eyes though, it hurt me so bad. I was looking at someone who I thought was supposed to care for me, but I just felt so unwanted, so un-cared for. Welp, now I'm crying again. I should have expected this. My mother would just watch too, I think she has dependency issues or something, she just agrees with whatever my dad says and follows his lead. Even after she was cornered in the bathroom by my father, being yelled at, threatened, not allowed to escape, even after she took me and lived away from my father for a few months, she still ended up crawling back to him. It's sad when you actually hope your parents get divorced.
Countless times though my parents have always told me; "We're the best parents you could have"
"You're so lucky we're your parents"
"You have no idea how good you've got it"
[Trigger warning end]
Supposedly I've heard though that ironically people saying those kinds of things can be an additional cause of C-PTSD. I'm just so confused.
Anyway, I've woken up this morning and decided to type this because I'm riddled with anxiety and a weird sickness in my stomach that I can't place my finger on. (This happens a lot...)
I guess as far as recovery goes, acceptance and clarity is what I need first. Ever since the diagnosis thing, my mind has been just festering with thoughts, trying to piece things together. It's keeping me up at night, and I have urges to write it all down, but that'll just keep me up even more. But ever since the diagnosis, I've been rather elated - it's really nice. I guess I just finally feel a bit more understood. I read somewhere a week ago how one person with C-PTSD would sometimes swap identities (knowing full well they were doing it), acting as somebody else to cope and feel something else other than the crippling emptiness. And I just was kind of dumbfounded that there was someone else who actually did that. I thought I was crazy when I did that. Years ago the identities I took shape of were rather... unhealthy, telling me to kill myself and telling all my friends that I was not worth the effort, that they were wasting their time. It scared a few people, understandably. But then eventually I would snap out of it and go back to being 'myself' and I felt extremely guilty of saying such things.
Nowadays it's thankfully a more healthy identity, taking shape of one of my fictional characters I've made. He talks about myself, says everything I don't have the guts to say, everything I'm too afraid to share. It's strange, but it helps. I mean for my whole life my parents have told me to never share my emotions, that no matter what the task is, I do it and I do it without complaint. It's hard. Friends try to be supportive, say "If you don't like this and this that your parents are doing, why not talk to them?" But talking to them and trying to explain myself, sharing how I feel to my parents - that's like a death sentence, I swear.
But yeah, as far as plans go, I need to look for a better job. A 9-5 job preferably. Then I'll have enough money to move out on my own, and I'll finally be away from this mess. Thankfully the abuse isn't as bad it was, but it doesn't stop the memories from flooding in, from flinching whenever I walk past my dad in the hallway. I'm just so scared... I'm so angry. It feels like I've missed out on so much, feels like I'm missing out. I'm supposed to get my driver's license but being in the same car with my parents for them to teach me, haha, nooo... thanks... I'm good. They scream at me for my mistakes, and at worst if I'm not holding the steering wheel correctly my dad would forcefully grab my wrist and twist it so it goes the exact way he wants it to go.
I need to stop now and get ready for work though. Hopefully I won't get any moody customers. Yesterday one customer gave me a look that resembled the look my father gives me and I was breathing uneasily for the next 10 minutes, body shaking, heart thumping. This is horrible...
I guess this week I'm just going to focus on the diagnosis a bit and really try to figure out if it's truly what I have and am experiencing or not. I hope I am honestly, because that's a step closer to getting help.
That's horrible, what your father did. Really horrible.
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on August 31, 2017, 01:56:31 AM
Countless times though my parents have always told me; "We're the best parents you could have"
"You're so lucky we're your parents"
"You have no idea how good you've got it"
I call that gaslighting:
Gaslighting - The practice of brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy individual that they are going insane
or that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term "Gaslighting" is based on the 1944 MGM movie "Gaslight". http://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-glossary/
:hug: Aphotic. You're among friends here.
First, I have to say, I love your name.
Second, I wish I could just give you a huge hug.
I feel like that too... like my trauma wasn't as bad as anyone else's. I hope you know that your feelings are valid. What your father does is wrong, and I'm so so sorry. You do not deserve it. I hope you are able to get out of that situation soon, and in the meantime, please keep posting. I'm cheering for you. :hug:
Quote from: Candid on August 31, 2017, 02:32:45 AM
That's horrible, what your father did. Really horrible.
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on August 31, 2017, 01:56:31 AM
Countless times though my parents have always told me; "We're the best parents you could have"
"You're so lucky we're your parents"
"You have no idea how good you've got it"
I call that gaslighting:
Gaslighting - The practice of brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy individual that they are going insane or that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term "Gaslighting" is based on the 1944 MGM movie "Gaslight". http://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-glossary/
:hug: Aphotic. You're among friends here.
Thank you Candid, it's really appreciated. :)
Quote from: Alarrah on August 31, 2017, 06:01:11 PM
First, I have to say, I love your name.
Second, I wish I could just give you a huge hug.
I feel like that too... like my trauma wasn't as bad as anyone else's. I hope you know that your feelings are valid. What your father does is wrong, and I'm so so sorry. You do not deserve it. I hope you are able to get out of that situation soon, and in the meantime, please keep posting. I'm cheering for you. :hug:
Glad you like the name. ^-^
And thank you, I wish I could give you a hug too, I guess that's what this is for -> :hug: heh
But yeah, I hope I can get out soon too. Thank you so much.
It's really soothing to hear from others, online, IRL, old friends - that they agree everything I experienced really happened, or that it's all valid and they understand how I feel.
Just some random thoughts whilst I'm here though... it irks me how much one of our traumas can lead to another, and another. It becomes this cycle... since you're so fragile from your parents' abuse, you seek comfort from someone else - to which they end up being abusive as well. I wish I'd seen it sooner though, I wish I wasn't so selfless and trying my hardest to impress and satisfy everyone's needs. Geez, I was so Fawn-like back then.
Trigger warning startBut I dealt with my parents for all my childhood, then an abusive long distance relationship for three years. It was like, I was brainwashed. Other people told me how it wasn't a healthy relationship, and I only realized that later on when we visited each other for the first time. I wanted to be alone, I was feeling so extremely emotionally tense and I wanted to just be anywhere but in that room, but he grasped onto my wrist really tightly, and he wouldn't let go, pulled me back. It felt like, I got hit by a lightning strike, like, this sudden shock and disbelief that this had happened, that just like my parents, he would use physical force to get me to do what he wanted.
Trigger warning endI don't even remember what happened after that. I think I must have dissociated. I think... maybe I was in the snowy parking lot outside the hotel, in the fetal position on the concrete pathway, slowly regaining my senses. That's all I remember. :\
I'm curious about something though. I had a period of time where instead of seeking help, I just pushed everything away. I felt like I was useless, didn't deserve the treatment, didn't think I needed help. But also I was just... mad at a lot of people, distrustful of everyone I met. I was dating some guy for a month or so. Geez, we'd been friends for 2 years, so we were fairly comfortable with one another. But whilst dating I just, I wasn't really feeling much affection or love towards him and I wanted it to stop before it got any further, so I wouldn't disappoint him. Well I told him and he got so angry, he cursed me, told me how much of an idiot I was and I got so many raw feelings bursting out. I probably shouldn't have done what I did but for once I 'fought back'. I told him I hated him, all of these really mean things and then I just never talked to him again. And I don't even miss him... I don't miss anyone. I guess that's a good thing? But it makes me seem rather cold and harsh. Has anyone else kind of... lashed out like that? Been able to completely kick someone out of their life and not look back?
Thanks.
kicking someone out of my life has been my go to move since I have been able. It was like a way to take back control in some small way. I can't say whether it was right or wrong, but you are definitely not the only one. Especially when someone hurts me...
I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I've also been in abusive relationships, and sometimes it even feels like I do it intentionally. I think we learn to expect it or feel like we deserve it. I hope you know that you don't. You do not deserve to hurt. It sounds like you are trying to do the work to break that cycle, and I know how hard that can be. Remember that you are strong. I'm thinking about you and hoping you are ok.
Your post struck a chord, Alarrah. I've often shut out well-motivated people -- including friends -- for many and varied reasons because I can't cope and, as you say, I want to feel some small measure of control.
This is an identity issue for me. Trained to put myself last in every situation, and above all to (try to) fit in with everyone else, I had a compromised sense of self by the time I started school and I feel like I 'disappear' when someone gets too close.
On the flipside, I've had a knack for 'choosing' abusive relationships that have to get downright dangerous before I realise it's time to get out. In fact, it usually takes someone else to point out to me that I'm being abused.
This is what happens when you were taught to believe everything you do, say and even THINK is by definition wrong.
Quote from: Alarrah on September 03, 2017, 05:15:34 PM
kicking someone out of my life has been my go to move since I have been able. It was like a way to take back control in some small way. I can't say whether it was right or wrong, but you are definitely not the only one. Especially when someone hurts me...
I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I've also been in abusive relationships, and sometimes it even feels like I do it intentionally. I think we learn to expect it or feel like we deserve it. I hope you know that you don't. You do not deserve to hurt. It sounds like you are trying to do the work to break that cycle, and I know how hard that can be. Remember that you are strong. I'm thinking about you and hoping you are ok.
Thank you Alarrah, glad I'm not the only one who's done that. ^^" Just seemed like the only suitable choice at the time and so that's what I did. Yeah I probably could have talked it through and what not, and it would have hurt them a lot less. But I felt a lot safer and emotionally comfortable away and alone.
Your words mean a lot though, thank you. :)
Quote from: Candid on September 04, 2017, 05:55:37 AM
Your post struck a chord, Alarrah. I've often shut out well-motivated people -- including friends -- for many and varied reasons because I can't cope and, as you say, I want to feel some small measure of control.
This is an identity issue for me. Trained to put myself last in every situation, and above all to (try to) fit in with everyone else, I had a compromised sense of self by the time I started school and I feel like I 'disappear' when someone gets too close.
On the flipside, I've had a knack for 'choosing' abusive relationships that have to get downright dangerous before I realise it's time to get out. In fact, it usually takes someone else to point out to me that I'm being abused.
This is what happens when you were taught to believe everything you do, say and even THINK is by definition wrong.
Wow, you speak my mind, Candid. I always put everyone's needs in front of my own in my past relationships and it was extremely unhealthy. People used that and I could have avoided so much heart-ache and pain. But alas, it's happened so all I can do is learn from it.
In school, I swapped friends every two or so years, just hanging out with whoever didn't seem to be too annoyed with my presence. lol I think very few school friends have seen my 'true' self - what I'm like when I'm in a comfortable free atmosphere. I was very much the one quiet kid at school who was kinda weird and always sat at the front of the class like a teacher's pet. Haha
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on September 04, 2017, 06:53:10 AM
I felt a lot safer and emotionally comfortable away and alone.
This is past tense, right? IME "away and alone" is a great relief as long as we're running from... and then as time passes it gets less and less "emotionally comfortable", to put it mildly.
Quote... just hanging out with whoever didn't seem to be too annoyed with my presence. lol
Now you've returned the favour and given
me the words. Can't join you in the lol, though. Looking back, if people didn't approach me and
keep approaching me, I 'knew' they must have woken up to the abomination my mother said I was. I never dared just call someone I liked to ask if they wanted to get together; that would have been inflicting myself on them. Sometimes I sent apologetic/fawning letters or emails, mostly I just gritted my teeth and accepted I'd screwed up again and the relationship was over, my bad. Mother installed a deep sense of
There's something very wrong with me, and no one will tell me what it is. I certainly wasn't about to ask!
Coupled with that were A) the people who
did criticise me outright, all too often :cringe: in the same words Mother used. Selfish. The world doesn't revolve around you. You always cause so much trouble. You never think of anyone but yourself. For far too long these were the people I chased, because obviously they had it all together. B) The people who liked me and said so were either mistaken or they wanted something from me which I probably wouldn't be able to give. Groucho Marx Syndrome: he didn't want to join any club that would have
someone like him as a member. C) Then there were those who made endless demands on me and for whom I would do anything, no matter the cost or inconvenience to me. They were the most likely to turn into group A when they'd exhausted my resources or, God forbid, I was unavailable just once to do their bidding.
QuoteI think very few school friends have seen my 'true' self - what I'm like when I'm in a comfortable free atmosphere.
I can believe that. Like you, I was only Myself when I was on my own. Especially if I was
writing. Any other time it simply wasn't safe to be Me. No, no...
anything but that! (Okay, you can lol now.)
QuoteI was very much the one quiet kid at school who was kinda weird and always sat at the front of the class like a teacher's pet. Haha
Me too, my friend. :hug: Not the best way to go about Making Friends. We got good marks, though, didn't we!
Quote from: Candid on September 04, 2017, 11:23:00 AM
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on September 04, 2017, 06:53:10 AM
I felt a lot safer and emotionally comfortable away and alone.
This is past tense, right? IME "away and alone" is a great relief as long as we're running from... and then as time passes it gets less and less "emotionally comfortable", to put it mildly.
Well, I have one single person that I keep close. But I find it super hard to make new close friends, or just new friends in general. lol I think I've become so perfectionistic, I feel perfectionistic even over my social life. I got fairly close with one guy recently (online), he told me I could come to him whenever and vent and speak my mind. But that seemed to be 90% of our conversations, me just ranting, I couldn't think of anything else to talk about. I tell him this, he says it's fine - tells me again I can vent and he'll listen and respond. So I vented once more like usual, then he just... didn't acknowledge me. He changed the subject and for a week I haven't talked to him because of that one thing, I don't want to talk to him. :\ I felt very fond of him too, but that one thing feels like it sapped all feelings and emotions out of me, like he might as well be an acquaintance to me now.
Either I'm a controlling sensitive freak or it's just the fear of being neglected/abused seeping in (or both! lol). Like, I'm just so sick of these things happening, every time it happens - even a little, it drives me mad.
Quote from: Candid on September 04, 2017, 11:23:00 AM
Quote... just hanging out with whoever didn't seem to be too annoyed with my presence. lol
Now you've returned the favour and given me the words. Can't join you in the lol, though. Looking back, if people didn't approach me and keep approaching me, I 'knew' they must have woken up to the abomination my mother said I was. I never dared just call someone I liked to ask if they wanted to get together; that would have been inflicting myself on them. Sometimes I sent apologetic/fawning letters or emails, mostly I just gritted my teeth and accepted I'd screwed up again and the relationship was over, my bad. Mother installed a deep sense of There's something very wrong with me, and no one will tell me what it is. I certainly wasn't about to ask!
Oh goodness, yes. I never invited anyone over, never invite them out. I was forced to invite my friends over once because; "It's your 16th, it's meant to be special!" But inviting them over just made it my worst birthday yet. >.> My anxiety levels were through the roof it seemed. They were in my house, with my dysfunctional family, untrained pet dog, basically the whole place a big mess, nothing clean, everything disorganised. I got a few harsh comments from them that day and I just wanted them to leave, wanted to go run off and hide in shame. It's a good thing I lived literally right next to a forest. Getting some peace and quiet only involved a small walk, then I could shout, cry, and scream however loud I wanted and nobody would mind.
Quote from: Candid on September 04, 2017, 11:23:00 AM
QuoteI think very few school friends have seen my 'true' self - what I'm like when I'm in a comfortable free atmosphere.
I can believe that. Like you, I was only Myself when I was on my own. Especially if I was writing. Any other time it simply wasn't safe to be Me. No, no... anything but that! (Okay, you can lol now.)
QuoteI was very much the one quiet kid at school who was kinda weird and always sat at the front of the class like a teacher's pet. Haha
Me too, my friend. :hug: Not the best way to go about Making Friends. We got good marks, though, didn't we!
Aww, yeah. I can understand all that. It can be a very 'recharging' experience to come back to your quiet lone shelter and just act like yourself.
But yeah, hooray for good marks! Haha. And you can't get told off for talking during class if you have no one to talk to. ;)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7erl9k01C2M
Thanks a lot for all of your replies by the way. I've been blown away by how supportive and caring this community is. :) I've been to many forums and online communities, trying to find where I fit just right, and I think I've finally found a place that feels just so.
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on September 04, 2017, 12:27:36 PMI'm just so sick of these things happening, every time it happens - even a little, it drives me mad.
I know! I gradually came to realise that survivors of parental abuse live in a whole secret counterculture underworld.
All mothers love their children, donchaknow? So even when 'normal' people guess there's something NQR about us, and say so, they seriously don't want to hear about it. You speak at your peril. Either they disappear, or they attack. They don't understand that Father's Day and Mother's Day (as well as Christmas and birthdays) can be horrible for us, as yesterday was for you.
Even my best friend told me about a time she and her mother didn't speak for weeks, then she knocked on Ma's door and they fell into each other's arms crying. She literally can't understand why that isn't an option for me. Fortunately -- because she's a great friend -- I can understand
her. We know how they see the world, right? It's impossible to miss.
So time and time again we get the message that there's something wrong with us. Yeah, I know that; I also know when it started, can even make an educated guess as to why. But largely thanks to this forum, I'm okay with all that now. Wouldn't switch sides for quids. In fact I believe there are many more of Us than will ever be acknowledged. It's probably a question of degree.
I'm sorry about the way your 16th panned out. I'd be hard pushed to think which was the worst of my birthdays, but right now my mind lands on my 21st. I went out for dinner with my parents, ElderSis, and a couple of my parents' friends. The low point was when Dad told me to blow out the candle (there was one on each table in the restaurant) and make a wish. I wished my boyfriend had called me, but he was highly abusive so he'd made a point of not doing so on that day. Then Mother had to tell this other couple it was such a pity Candid didn't have any friends. Really, it was quite the freak show. And yes, that
was worse than all the alone-and-unacknowledged ones.
I'm glad you were able to vent some feelings about your 16th. That something I've had to learn, and it still doesn't come naturally.
From memory I just went 'home' (their home) and to bed. Business as usual.
QuoteI've been to many forums and online communities, trying to find where I fit just right, and I think I've finally found a place that feels just so.
You definitely fit in, Aphotic. :yahoo:
Quote from: Candid on September 04, 2017, 01:39:05 PM
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on September 04, 2017, 12:27:36 PMI'm just so sick of these things happening, every time it happens - even a little, it drives me mad.
I know! I gradually came to realise that survivors of parental abuse live in a whole secret counterculture underworld. All mothers love their children, donchaknow? So even when 'normal' people guess there's something NQR about us, and say so, they seriously don't want to hear about it. You speak at your peril. Either they disappear, or they attack. They don't understand that Father's Day and Mother's Day (as well as Christmas and birthdays) can be horrible for us, as yesterday was for you.
Even my best friend told me about a time she and her mother didn't speak for weeks, then she knocked on Ma's door and they fell into each other's arms crying. She literally can't understand why that isn't an option for me. Fortunately -- because she's a great friend -- I can understand her. We know how they see the world, right? It's impossible to miss.
So time and time again we get the message that there's something wrong with us. Yeah, I know that; I also know when it started, can even make an educated guess as to why. But largely thanks to this forum, I'm okay with all that now. Wouldn't switch sides for quids. In fact I believe there are many more of Us than will ever be acknowledged. It's probably a question of degree.
I'm sorry about the way your 16th panned out. I'd be hard pushed to think which was the worst of my birthdays, but right now my mind lands on my 21st. I went out for dinner with my parents, ElderSis, and a couple of my parents' friends. The low point was when Dad told me to blow out the candle (there was one on each table in the restaurant) and make a wish. I wished my boyfriend had called me, but he was highly abusive so he'd made a point of not doing so on that day. Then Mother had to tell this other couple it was such a pity Candid didn't have any friends. Really, it was quite the freak show. And yes, that was worse than all the alone-and-unacknowledged ones.
I'm glad you were able to vent some feelings about your 16th. That something I've had to learn, and it still doesn't come naturally.
From memory I just went 'home' (their home) and to bed. Business as usual.
QuoteI've been to many forums and online communities, trying to find where I fit just right, and I think I've finally found a place that feels just so.
You definitely fit in, Aphotic. :yahoo:
Oh my goodness yes, I feel so alien compared to other people I know sometimes. They talk about family reunions, texting their parents every day, actually missing them when they're gone. I laugh when people tell me; "Oh you'll miss your parents when you leave home." They really just don't seem to understand. But that's okay. ^^
Sorry to hear about that 21st though. :( I always despise it when parents make snappy comments like that.
"Wish my daughter would actually socialise" is something I hear all too often. It's like my parents think they're being original and funny when they say that.
I think birthdays can be especially hard for us though, especially for those that feel so 'unwanted' and like some kind of failed abortion. :\ But a good reminder to ourselves I think is that even if we're not really wanted by our parents or family, we're wanted by others. ^-^ It's amazing how one person can influence your life so much. I know I'm certainly glad some people exist today, and I really cherish their birthdays. :) So as long as I remember that, understand that others feel the same way about me, I usually feel alright. ;D
I feel I should at some point write a bit of my story in detail here. I think it'd be rather therapeutic. At the moment a lot of the telling of my life here seems to spill out in random flashbacks and reminders. lol
And thank you again. ^-^
There is so much here that I want to respond to, but mostly, I just want to say thanks. This hit all my feels. It's like you guys are in my head.
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on September 04, 2017, 12:27:36 PM
Well, I have one single person that I keep close. But I find it super hard to make new close friends, or just new friends in general. lol I think I've become so perfectionistic, I feel perfectionistic even over my social life. I got fairly close with one guy recently (online), he told me I could come to him whenever and vent and speak my mind. But that seemed to be 90% of our conversations, me just ranting, I couldn't think of anything else to talk about. I tell him this, he says it's fine - tells me again I can vent and he'll listen and respond. So I vented once more like usual, then he just... didn't acknowledge me. He changed the subject and for a week I haven't talked to him because of that one thing, I don't want to talk to him. :\ I felt very fond of him too, but that one thing feels like it sapped all feelings and emotions out of me, like he might as well be an acquaintance to me now.
Either I'm a controlling sensitive freak or it's just the fear of being neglected/abused seeping in (or both! lol). Like, I'm just so sick of these things happening, every time it happens - even a little, it drives me mad.
This really struck me. I get so mad about this.
I am constantly monitoring myself when I start getting close to people. Am I being too needy? too cold? too vulnerable? Too selfish? I have two modes. In one, I don't share anything at all because showing weakness will make them leave me. I put on a face to please, then go until I snap and cut them off altogether. In the other, I overshare because I need affection and comfort. I get way too clingy, and they get freaked out. The more they pull away, the more I spiral, telling myself that this is proof that no one can handle me. The stress of it makes me just pull away from everyone instead, where I tell myself I'm comfortable.
I'm so glad you guys are sharing. It is helping me more than I can say. I also had to hide my family, and holidays make me physically sick. It means so much that you guys understand. :grouphug:
Quote from: Alarrah on September 04, 2017, 07:13:59 PM
There is so much here that I want to respond to, but mostly, I just want to say thanks. This hit all my feels. It's like you guys are in my head.
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on September 04, 2017, 12:27:36 PM
Well, I have one single person that I keep close. But I find it super hard to make new close friends, or just new friends in general. lol I think I've become so perfectionistic, I feel perfectionistic even over my social life. I got fairly close with one guy recently (online), he told me I could come to him whenever and vent and speak my mind. But that seemed to be 90% of our conversations, me just ranting, I couldn't think of anything else to talk about. I tell him this, he says it's fine - tells me again I can vent and he'll listen and respond. So I vented once more like usual, then he just... didn't acknowledge me. He changed the subject and for a week I haven't talked to him because of that one thing, I don't want to talk to him. :\ I felt very fond of him too, but that one thing feels like it sapped all feelings and emotions out of me, like he might as well be an acquaintance to me now.
Either I'm a controlling sensitive freak or it's just the fear of being neglected/abused seeping in (or both! lol). Like, I'm just so sick of these things happening, every time it happens - even a little, it drives me mad.
This really struck me. I get so mad about this.
I am constantly monitoring myself when I start getting close to people. Am I being too needy? too cold? too vulnerable? Too selfish? I have two modes. In one, I don't share anything at all because showing weakness will make them leave me. I put on a face to please, then go until I snap and cut them off altogether. In the other, I overshare because I need affection and comfort. I get way too clingy, and they get freaked out. The more they pull away, the more I spiral, telling myself that this is proof that no one can handle me. The stress of it makes me just pull away from everyone instead, where I tell myself I'm comfortable.
I'm so glad you guys are sharing. It is helping me more than I can say. I also had to hide my family, and holidays make me physically sick. It means so much that you guys understand. :grouphug:
I'm really glad my spouting of random nonsense helps you, Alarrah. XP
"Am I being too needy? too cold? too vulnerable? Too selfish? I have two modes."
Oh so relatable! I used to be a doormat for years and now I think I'm too much of a solid steel door. lol Although I think I'll take that over being a doormat anymore, being a doormat got me into far too much strife. >.>
I remember the countless amount of groups and communities I tried to fit into, whether that be related to gaming, just general online websites, or anything like that. Most of the times I suddenly left without warning in a flurry of anger and tears, feeling completely lost and misunderstood. I tried to do regular gaming sessions with some folks online but it was getting tiring trying to keep up with everyone and all the new people that joined all the time. There were some that were really nice people, others though that really triggered me hard, reminded me of my childhood in some way or another and it was extremely frustrating to be around so I left that group.
There was also this most recent community I left that was just full of sacks of %^&#s lol. They were people who had basically no general care towards anyone, who thought people who were 'depressed' were just trying to be cool. They all said I was boring because I couldn't play along with their playful insulting of each other. Or that I was 'edgy' for appearing so down, realistic, and matter-of-fact about things. I tried to keep a lot of problems in, I only described in brief short when I left that; "My mental problems are making this community a hard place to be in so I'm leaving." And apparently they cussed me out for that pretty hard behind my back and I think that really pushed me to hold my feelings in even more.
Some people are just plain toxic. But unfortunately sometimes if you wanna find the people that really care, you gotta push past the people who will do anything to bring you down. It's all worth the effort though I think.
Quote from: Alarrah on September 04, 2017, 07:13:59 PM
Am I being too needy? too cold? too vulnerable? Too selfish?
Too
everything, Alarrah. :hug: Most all all, worrying too much. How could we not?
QuoteI have two modes. In one, I don't share anything at all because showing weakness will make them leave me. I put on a face to please, then go until I snap and cut them off altogether. In the other, I overshare because I need affection and comfort. I get way too clingy, and they get freaked out. The more they pull away, the more I spiral, telling myself that this is proof that no one can handle me. The stress of it makes me just pull away from everyone instead, where I tell myself I'm comfortable.
Yep. All of that. I hadn't recognised the two modes in myself but sure enough, they're there.
:grouphug: indeed!
Just need to start this off with, wow, it feels good to be heard, understood, validated...
I had a therapy session today and it just made me feel overly content afterwards. We made some progress on things, and she gave me a few things to work on for the next few weeks. It probably seems backwards but whenever she mentioned 'trauma', it actually lifted my mood slightly. I guess that's just because for once someone in the same room as me actually understands what I've gone through and it's such an overwhelming sensation.
Not sure what 'clicked' today but I've just been so ecstatic since then. I actually managed to finally get some work done, cleaned up my room, and I treated myself to a cup of tea and chocolates, watching videos whilst I had the scent warmer going and just making the room overly pleasant to be in. And spontaneously on the way back home I bought myself a potted plant as a kind of 'pet', haha. I suppose it's the closest thing I can get to some positive physical company at the moment so it'll do. ;) It will be the most indulged plant in the world. lol
One of the things I talked to my therapist about today was just my random complaining of how jumbled my thoughts seem to be and how my mind is constantly switching from one thought to another, mostly from memory to memory. She said something interesting I thought I'd share here; basically she said the mind is like a cupboard. As you grow up, if you're nurtured and cared for, you take these events that happen and you can store the memories neatly onto the shelves, give them all a place. But being brought up in an abusive home, you take these memories and just kinda throw them into the cupboard. lol To just get them away as much as possible and quickly too. Eventually you get to a point where there's so many memories all jumbled up in this cupboard that it begins to overflow. You try to take one specific memory out to examine but when you open the doors, a whole bunch of memories spill out with it. And she said that one of the keys to reorganising my thoughts is to take things out, one at a time, examine them and figure out what they are, where they go, and then store them neatly in the correct place. It was a really interesting analogy, one I probably won't forget. :)
Hopefully things will be easy going till my next appointment. ^-^ I'm really happy I'm finally getting some help. I'd spent years struggling with these things on my own and I'm just feeling so grateful to finally be getting somewhere. ;D
So glad your therapy session was good! Your t's cupboard analogy is good, I like it. Thanks for sharing. :applause: :applause: for treating yourself to so many different things today. You're involving lots of different senses, that's good for us.
I can understand that your t mentioning 'trauma' is validating. I felt elated when I first started sayinging CSA had been done to me. I knew it was a bit strange to feel elated rather than devastated, but my memories weren't new, I was just finally daring to say them out loud. Similar for you too, maybe?
:thumbup: :thumbup: for your potted 'pet'. :hug:
Hi - just a couple of thoughts - first one is, yay for the plant! check out the PBS documentary, "What Plants Talk About" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrrSAc-vjG4 They do communicate with each other and show some signs of some sort of intelligence, really fascinating.
The other point i wanted to make was that your brain (not your mind) actually stores past traumatic memories as if they are current, not in the past. this is why emdr therapy is so useful, as it helps the brain process and store the memory as a past occurrence. at least that's the way i understand it.
That's a fantastic analogy. Thank you for sharing that. Yay for good days! :)
I also liked when someone first recognized it as trauma. That validation felt so good after so many years of convincing myself that I was the one at fault. I'm so glad you found someone to help you do the work!
Quote from: Blueberry on September 12, 2017, 04:56:08 PM
So glad your therapy session was good! Your t's cupboard analogy is good, I like it. Thanks for sharing. :applause: :applause: for treating yourself to so many different things today. You're involving lots of different senses, that's good for us.
I can understand that your t mentioning 'trauma' is validating. I felt elated when I first started sayinging CSA had been done to me. I knew it was a bit strange to feel elated rather than devastated, but my memories weren't new, I was just finally daring to say them out loud. Similar for you too, maybe?
:thumbup: :thumbup: for your potted 'pet'. :hug:
Indeed, very similar. :) It's nice to be able to give these things a proper definition, makes them easier to understand and cope with.
Thanks for the reply. ^-^
Quote from: Three Roses on September 12, 2017, 05:38:50 PM
Hi - just a couple of thoughts - first one is, yay for the plant! check out the PBS documentary, "What Plants Talk About" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrrSAc-vjG4 They do communicate with each other and show some signs of some sort of intelligence, really fascinating.
The other point i wanted to make was that your brain (not your mind) actually stores past traumatic memories as if they are current, not in the past. this is why emdr therapy is so useful, as it helps the brain process and store the memory as a past occurrence. at least that's the way i understand it.
Thanks for sharing the video. :D Plants are quite fascinating.
But yes, that makes sense... with the memories thing. I mean the whole basis of EFs is essentially believing what has happened is still happening and your emotions adjust accordingly. I'm making an effort to write down my memories as I stumble across them, and it really helps me in regards to studying it, breaking it down, linking it.
Thanks for the reply. :)
Quote from: Alarrah on September 13, 2017, 07:59:34 PM
That's a fantastic analogy. Thank you for sharing that. Yay for good days! :)
I also liked when someone first recognized it as trauma. That validation felt so good after so many years of convincing myself that I was the one at fault. I'm so glad you found someone to help you do the work!
Another thing kinda related, when I tell people I have CPTSD (which is rare but when I do...), I don't feel bad, or I don't expect their condolences and sympathy. I find the 'CPTSD' title quite therapeutic in its own way, merely the name. I suppose it's because, for ages I didn't have that label and for ages I felt these terrible things without knowing what it was or how to fix it. But now I know what it is, and that means I can fix it, I know how to fix it. So when I tell people I have CPTSD, I actually feel elated doing it, because it reminds me that there is hope and there is treatment. It's better than saying; "I suffer from memories, nightmares, mood swings, etc, etc" :D
Thanks for the reply.
I haven't been responding to much forum posts lately. I've been tired and drained, had a few days where I was barely motivated to eat. But yesterday I cleaned my room, tidied my work desk.
In regards to therapy stuff, I read more of my CBT book, and finally got to use my little sticky-notes and highlighter. :) I love being organised. I also worked a bit on studying my alters and I've been making good progress on working out who is who, who wants what, who does what, etc. It's fascinating. I found that the alters that are most like default 'me', are the most commonly around, whereas the alters that are least like me are less around, which makes sense. I mean I'm not sure if I expected much else. lol I may share the table of statistics I have here later on.
This morning, a usual Saturday, I woke up early and took a bus into the city where I'm now typing away in a coffee shop after a hot drink and slice of fudge. I'm trying to treat myself these days, reassure myself that it's okay to spend a little money every now and then, and that it's okay to not be working on my hobbies all the time. I suppose I'm just really battling that 'flight' part of me. One thing about this cafe is that it's exactly opposite of a police station - one I have terrible memories of. But I'm convinced that by sitting here every regular Saturday afternoon with the company of that place nearby, hopefully I'll one day be able to look at it without fear and simply see it as it is, "a police station", no strings attached. I think it's a good thing that I can just sit here with it in view and not feel panicked like I used to.
Interestingly whilst shopping today, I was being served by one lady who looked kind of familiar but I thought my memory was just playing with me. Well she suddenly mentioned that I looked familiar too and it took us a moment to realise we were classmates back in Grade 5! It made me feel really good, she'd lost weight, looked and sounded a lot healthier and I felt a little... less lonely. I have no friends where I live, so even just meeting someone I used to know is so nice.
Anyway, enough rambling. I've been sitting here for an hour and I should go before they kick me out. Haha
5 steps forward, 3 steps back, thus is the rhythm of trauma's storm.
Sensing gold to feeling cold, emotions twisted in formless swarm.
I'm making progress I think, it's slow though of course.
One particular issue of mine is feeling guilty, over things that I shouldn't even feel guilty of. I got a call from work asking if I can come in to work later in the day, I said no because I've got an appointment. I wasn't lying, I have a right to say no. Yet I felt guilty. I logically rationalised the details, that it was perfectly okay for me to say I couldn't come in to work, that I had a good reason. But it's like, emotions are on an entirely different level; that despite me understanding there's no reason to feel guilty, I still feel guilty. It's probably linked to my past, with my parents blaming almost everything they could on me, and I'm sure with time these things will eventually go away. One day I'd like to answer a call from work, say no, and not feel #$%^&@ for it. One day...
I've been kind of thinking lately though, about my FOO, about forgiveness and what not. I have a friend who supposedly had their own assortment of childhood trauma, tells me he's forgiven his parents and that I should too. But I can't fathom the idea. I don't love my parents, I don't care what they do or think. I really hate them, is that harsh? And I got really angry at my friend for telling me I had to forgive my FOO. I just can't, they don't even deserve it. Why should I forgive the people who've practically locked me up, physically and emotionally for 18 years of my life? Who give me nightmares almost every night, who were the cause of my self-hatred, the cause of my agony. Why should I forgive them? I accept what's happened, I'm not out to seek revenge. All I simply want is to get away and find myself, to get away from my abusers and never look back.
[Trigger Warning - FOO emotional abuse]
People say; "You'll miss your parents when they're gone", but I honestly don't think I will. They've gone for month long trips before and I didn't think about them ONCE when they were gone. I can barely speak to my parents comfortably, definitely can't bring myself to say anything nice to them or accept their attempts at 'affection'. That was one of my huge peeves; that after the two hour long lectures of my F screaming at me in the hallway, that afterwards he'd tell me to hug him, as if that would make it all better. Even when I tried to run away, he would demand I hug him, would start yelling again if I didn't. It just felt like my parents hugged me because "that's what parents do", not because "I love my child".
[End]
Anyway, that was a bit of an accidental rant.
I've been trying my hardest to keep myself clean, my room clean, always hard when you have a FOO to mess it up every day but I'm trying my best. I went out for a hairdresser appointment today which is an achievement I think. I haven't had one in years, but finally I booked it, and despite all the anxiety and sickening worry beforehand, I'm really glad I went. I ended up going to a rather posh little place, where the staff open the door for you and ask if you'd like a coffee or a cup of tea. I was expecting just a haircut but I had my hair washed, head massaged. It felt cleansing in more ways than one... last other person who touched my hair was my ex/abuser, so having a complete stranger touch my hair in that way, it felt really good. I had them cut me a little side fringe, just a little treat for myself, and I really love it. Later at home, my M came back from her own outing, asked where I was today. I said I got my hair done, got a fringe. She told me to show her and I did. Then she scoffed, said; "You call that a fringe?" then IMMEDIATELY started talking about how she got her nails done, how they were so pretty, then once done bragging she left my room. How pleasant. Fortunately my FOO's words are meaningless to me now, I've learnt to block it all out pretty good and I don't care what they think about me anymore. Fact is, I got a haircut for MYSELF. And I'm happy with it, I'm happy I went, I'm happy I went out, even when I was feeling like #%^&*@.
Anyway, feel free to say if any of this feels familiar, especially the forgiveness part. I know it's the 'moral' thing to do, to forgive people, especially if you're religious. It doesn't help though that my parents are Christians who love spewing out their 'forgive your enemies' line and it makes me hate the whole 'forgiveness' thing even more. :S Not because I hate religion, I just don't like my FOO. lol
Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far.
AphoticAtramentous, just wanted to let you know I read, but feeling too :stars: to really reply. There is at least one old thread on forgiving i.e. the non-necessity of it for us. Might interest you. I'll see if I can answer your post tomorrow. :hug: :hug:
GREAT that you got a haircut for YOU! Who cares what anyone else thinks?! If you Love it that's all that matters! Getting a new haircut can be really quite nice, even if sitting in the chair watching yourself in the horrible lighting and having someone else touch you, after that, the feeling is quite nice!
I am so happy that you got a cut that you like! :cheer:
Also, thank you for your comment on my journal. It meant alot. I sent you a suuper long PM, I hope it doesn't overwhelm you. Don't let it stress you. :hug:
Quote from: Blueberry on October 05, 2017, 06:52:59 PM
AphoticAtramentous, just wanted to let you know I read, but feeling too :stars: to really reply. There is at least one old thread on forgiving i.e. the non-necessity of it for us. Might interest you. I'll see if I can answer your post tomorrow. :hug: :hug:
No worries, no pressure. :) Thank you for reading.
Quote from: Sceal on October 05, 2017, 07:32:59 PM
GREAT that you got a haircut for YOU! Who cares what anyone else thinks?! If you Love it that's all that matters! Getting a new haircut can be really quite nice, even if sitting in the chair watching yourself in the horrible lighting and having someone else touch you, after that, the feeling is quite nice!
I am so happy that you got a cut that you like! :cheer:
Also, thank you for your comment on my journal. It meant alot. I sent you a suuper long PM, I hope it doesn't overwhelm you. Don't let it stress you. :hug:
Thank you so kindly, Sceal. ^-^
I'll have a read through the PM later, I'm a little busy this morning but cheers. :)
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on October 05, 2017, 08:11:24 AM
5 steps forward, 3 steps back, thus is the rhythm of trauma's storm.
Sensing gold to feeling cold, emotions twisted in formless swarm.
I know you're an artist, but now it turns out you're a poet too! Not surprising really, I know from your posts and even in fact your name on here that you have a way with words. :) :)
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on October 05, 2017, 08:11:24 AM
One particular issue of mine is feeling guilty, over things that I shouldn't even feel guilty of... But it's like, emotions are on an entirely different level; that despite me understanding there's no reason to feel guilty, I still feel guilty. It's probably linked to my past, with my parents blaming almost everything they could on me, and I'm sure with time these things will eventually go away. One day I'd like to answer a call from work, say no, and not feel #$%^&@ for it.
Sounds
very familiar. My past sounds similar to yours too, in this respect. Deep down I feel guilty that enF is sad to realise that I don't want to communicate with him or any other adult in FOO. I feel guilty. Actually as I write that I'm not even sure I'm as far as you in understanding there's no reason to feel guilty. I know there's no reason
for you to feel guilty, but I have a hard time applying that to myself.
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on October 05, 2017, 08:11:24 AM
I've been kind of thinking lately though, about my FOO, about forgiveness and what not. I have a friend who supposedly had their own assortment of childhood trauma, tells me he's forgiven his parents .... I'm not out to seek revenge. All I simply want is to get away and find myself, to get away from my abusers and never look back.
Well, congratulations to your friend, I'm happy for him :bigwink: but a) he may discover as I did that you can forgive and they do it again, you forgive, they do it again ad nauseam b) he may discover as I also did that when I thought I forgave I didn't really. I was told I should forgive, forget and move on (partially by my abusers, sound familiar :bigwink: ) but forgiveness is something that takes place in your soul, in your heart, it's not something you can force cognitively. I was told this long ago actually by a woman who worked at a
Catholic aid society which offered short-term counselling to people who couldn't afford it elsewhere. I was so embarrassed to tell her I'd tried and tried to forgive and everything always started up again so I couldn't forgive any more. She also said that sometime in the future forgiveness might creep up on me all of its own accord, till then I should forget about it basically and concentrate on me. And you are concentrating on you: getting away, finding out who you are, living your own life! You're making tons of progress.
You say you are not out to seek revenge. IMO that's the most important thing. And for that you deserve :applause: :applause: Forgiving your parents - I'd say that's God's task. It's certainly not yours. The only person you might need to forgive in time is yourself. Lots of us do because we feel guilty for this that and the other for which we needn't feel guilty. See above.
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on October 05, 2017, 08:11:24 AM
[Trigger Warning - FOO emotional abuse]
That was one of my huge peeves; that after the two hour long lectures of my F screaming at me in the hallway, that afterwards he'd tell me to hug him, as if that would make it all better. Even when I tried to run away, he would demand I hug him, would start yelling again if I didn't.
[End]
AA, I have read before in here of these yelling sessions from F. They are appalling beyond belief. There is so much wrong there I can't even begin to describe. I hope you know in your soul how wrong it all was. :bighug: (a safe one) to lots of little AAs through the years if they like and you too now if you like.
But demanding you hug him afterwards?? That is so abusive. Such an abuse of power. I am appalled! May I :blowup: :blowup: on your behalf? Please tell me if my blowups aren't OK! I will remove them. I can't blow up on my own behalf that often. Sometimes it's useful when other people do it for me, sometimes not.
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on October 05, 2017, 08:11:24 AM
Anyway, that was a bit of an accidental rant.
IMO rants are sometimes necessary to get all that poison, which isn't even yours, out of your soul. Also it helps people on here understand you, where you're coming from, and what you're facing. Rants sometimes help me get to what's beneath it, what I really want to say concerning
me.
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on October 05, 2017, 08:11:24 AM
I went out for a hairdresser appointment today which is an achievement I think. I haven't had one in years, but finally I booked it, and despite all the anxiety and sickening worry beforehand, I'm really glad I went. even when I was feeling like #%^&*@.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Totally big achievement.
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on October 05, 2017, 08:11:24 AM
I ended up going to a rather posh little place, where the staff open the door for you and ask if you'd like a coffee or a cup of tea. I was expecting just a haircut but I had my hair washed, head massaged. It felt cleansing in more ways than one... last other person who touched my hair was my ex/abuser, so having a complete stranger touch my hair in that way, it felt really good. I had them cut me a little side fringe, just a little treat for myself, and I really love it.
You treated yourself to so many good things there! Like finding a hairdresser's where the people treat you sooo differently to the way FOO treats you. And also the cleansing process - somebody non-abusive touching your hair. :hug: :hug: Those are healing steps you are taking and I'm really so happy for you. :cheer: I like the feeling of having my hair washed and head massaged by someone else too. What with hair being a pretty difficult topic for me.
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on October 05, 2017, 08:11:24 AM
Fortunately my FOO's words are meaningless to me now, I've learnt to block it all out pretty good and I don't care what they think about me anymore. Fact is, I got a haircut for MYSELF. And I'm happy with it,
Way to go AA :cheer: :cheer: Your M is soooo toxic. (She's a teacher. She works with kids?? %&#* Excuse my French. Sounds like a totally disturbed overgrown kid herself. Not the best person to have in the teaching profession, nor as a parent.) It's great that you can cut her out and not care what she thinks. You're doing great, especially since you're still living with FOO. Much harder to block when you're still surrounded.
Quote from: Blueberry on October 07, 2017, 12:22:24 PM
I know you're an artist, but now it turns out you're a poet too! Not surprising really, I know from your posts and even in fact your name on here that you have a way with words. :) :)
Haha, thank you. :)
QuoteSounds very familiar. My past sounds similar to yours too, in this respect. Deep down I feel guilty that enF is sad to realise that I don't want to communicate with him or any other adult in FOO. I feel guilty. Actually as I write that I'm not even sure I'm as far as you in understanding there's no reason to feel guilty. I know there's no reason for you to feel guilty, but I have a hard time applying that to myself.
I got to that stage of knowing I'm not guilty by #1. Listening to my friends and what their perspective and view on it is. And #2. Looking at things from a neutral perspective, weighing the facts, why, what, who, etc. And I just repeated doing those things till I eventually made some progress with it. :)
QuoteWell, congratulations to your friend, I'm happy for him :bigwink: but a) he may discover as I did that you can forgive and they do it again, you forgive, they do it again ad nauseam b) he may discover as I also did that when I thought I forgave I didn't really. I was told I should forgive, forget and move on (partially by my abusers, sound familiar :bigwink: ) but forgiveness is something that takes place in your soul, in your heart, it's not something you can force cognitively. I was told this long ago actually by a woman who worked at a Catholic aid society which offered short-term counselling to people who couldn't afford it elsewhere. I was so embarrassed to tell her I'd tried and tried to forgive and everything always started up again so I couldn't forgive any more. She also said that sometime in the future forgiveness might creep up on me all of its own accord, till then I should forget about it basically and concentrate on me. And you are concentrating on you: getting away, finding out who you are, living your own life! You're making tons of progress.
You say you are not out to seek revenge. IMO that's the most important thing. And for that you deserve :applause: :applause: Forgiving your parents - I'd say that's God's task. It's certainly not yours. The only person you might need to forgive in time is yourself. Lots of us do because we feel guilty for this that and the other for which we needn't feel guilty. See above.
Yeah, it's probably a little sad but I really doubt my parents ever changing for the better, making amends. They keep doing the same abusive things over and over, even when they're told to stop, even when they realise things aren't working out for them, they still do it. :S I believe that people do change, but only some. If you want to change, you need an open mind and an open heart, and those two things my parents do NOT have.
And also yes, you can't force yourself to forgive someone, neither can you force yourself to feel sorry. They just happen, it's a feeling, a heart thing.
Revenge, it's a petty kind of thing and in the end it only leads to more pain and misery. I have actually sought revenge before (in hilarious fashion too lol) but I realized afterwards it was a really stupid thing to do and things could have gone much worse for me, so now I'm learning from mistake and experience and never doing it again.
QuoteAA, I have read before in here of these yelling sessions from F. They are appalling beyond belief. There is so much wrong there I can't even begin to describe. I hope you know in your soul how wrong it all was. :bighug: (a safe one) to lots of little AAs through the years if they like and you too now if you like.
But demanding you hug him afterwards?? That is so abusive. Such an abuse of power. I am appalled! May I :blowup: :blowup: on your behalf? Please tell me if my blowups aren't OK! I will remove them. I can't blow up on my own behalf that often. Sometimes it's useful when other people do it for me, sometimes not.
The blowing up feels very validating Blueberry, haha, so by all means go ahead. :) It took me a while to realise what happened was wrong, that stupid gaslighting... but now I know. It's really difficult trying to think of those yelling sessions so I won't try lol. I dissociated so much the memories are a bit fragmented. There's one specific memory I'm trying to figure out if it's true or not. I'd secretly recorded the audio of one of those yelling sessions and sent it to a close friend at the time. But did I really do that? I'll have to ask...
I'm a little surprised all that forced hug stuff hasn't effectively ruined my sense of affection. I really do like hugs, but of course, mainly from people who aren't my abusers. ;) It's better than hiding under a blanket like I usually did as a child.
QuoteYou treated yourself to so many good things there! Like finding a hairdresser's where the people treat you sooo differently to the way FOO treats you. And also the cleansing process - somebody non-abusive touching your hair. :hug: :hug: Those are healing steps you are taking and I'm really so happy for you. :cheer: I like the feeling of having my hair washed and head massaged by someone else too. What with hair being a pretty difficult topic for me.
It is really nice. And I'm glad you enjoy the feeling as well. :)
QuoteWay to go AA :cheer: :cheer: Your M is soooo toxic. (She's a teacher. She works with kids?? %&#* Excuse my French. Sounds like a totally disturbed overgrown kid herself. Not the best person to have in the teaching profession, nor as a parent.) It's great that you can cut her out and not care what she thinks. You're doing great, especially since you're still living with FOO. Much harder to block when you're still surrounded.
She does work as a teacher, and she's really terrible at it. lol In more ways than one. She taught English yet on many occasions asked me if a sentence was grammatically correct or if a word she had spelt was right. I have no idea how she finished Uni. >.>
Thank you so so very much for the reply though, Blueberry. :) Means a lot. Gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to be heard.
I shouldn't write too much otherwise my head might fall off. lol Too many thoughts swirling in my head, need to give myself a break before I snap.
Yeah sorry, sometimes my posts get really long. Good for you on taking a break before your head took off. :hug:
Oh goodness, no wonder ThreeRoses made that reminder to keep our posts short. Look at this! :rofl: Oh dear I'm terrible. :D
I should probably aim to shorten my posts in general anyway cause talking too much can fry my brain. lol
Quote from: Blueberry on October 08, 2017, 02:05:41 PM
Yeah sorry, sometimes my posts get really long. Good for you on taking a break before your head took off. :hug:
Thank you Blueberry. :)
Just a little practical update on recovery... as I've probably stated before, my main goal right now is to get out of this house and away from my FOO, to cut ties so I can recover in peace.
Let's call this
Phase 1 of Atramentous to Vibrant... a hands-on stage of recovery. In Phase 1, there's 5 steps.
Step #1. Finish Resume.
Step #2. Apply for Traineeships/Jobs/Anything 9-5.
Step #3. Go to interviews.
Step #4. Get a job (easier said than done though am I right? ;) )
OR
If I'm struggling to get a job, apply for a course to get a certificate in whatever field I choose which should help me to get a job.
Step #5. Make money, move out.
There is an alternative Phase 1 which involves the help of my good mate who is offering to help pay for rent so I can move out before finding a 9-5 job. But I'm really reluctant to taking this path for a few reasons. 1. I'd be depending off of him and I hate putting that pressure on him, mentally and financially. 2. My parents will be super suspicious that I'm moving out whilst only working a casual job. Whilst I'm 18 and legally independent, that doesn't stop them from doing whatever they want - either rummaging through my personal stuff for answers or simply physically not letting me move out. (Snippet of context; my FOO despise my good mate and tried to have us stop talking a while back, but I still talk to him in private. So I can't just tell them he's helping me pay for rent, they'd be furious and probably get the police involved cause they're pieces of #$^&*#!.)
But the good news is that Step 1 of Phase 1 is finally complete. It's a super small task but I really struggle talking positively about myself, so dedicating a good few pages to JUST myself and my 'good traits' was an effort and a half. It's been especially difficult to do because of my fatigue, but yesterday I just said 'screw it', downed an energy drink and finished it all in one go. I try to not take these kind of drinks because I managed to get addicted to energy drinks back in highschool, I'm doing my best to stay away from them but it REALLY helped me get my work done. Now I'm going to get ready for work, and when I get back home, apply for a few jobs. :) Hooray for progress.
Such a brilliant plan!
I hope writing down the spesific tasks you need to do in order to complete phase 1 will be motivational and helping you see what you can do to get out of there.
I hope it goes faster rather than later.
You are doing great, Aphotic! You really are. Having a goal, and dividing it up in to clearer steps is a great way of doing it.
Congratulations of finishing step 1! Not only is that a hard one, but it's amazing that you got the first one out of the way, means you only got 4 left! Keep up the good work, and remember to take care of yourself in the process. :hug:
Quote from: Sceal on October 11, 2017, 05:33:47 AM
Such a brilliant plan!
I hope writing down the spesific tasks you need to do in order to complete phase 1 will be motivational and helping you see what you can do to get out of there.
I hope it goes faster rather than later.
You are doing great, Aphotic! You really are. Having a goal, and dividing it up in to clearer steps is a great way of doing it.
Congratulations of finishing step 1! Not only is that a hard one, but it's amazing that you got the first one out of the way, means you only got 4 left! Keep up the good work, and remember to take care of yourself in the process. :hug:
Thank you so much, Sceal. :) Writing my tasks down ALWAYS helps me out, I like being organised. ^-^
And talking about being organised... I went and finally turned my Mood Diary into a spreadsheet. It has a section for each week, where I can write in whatever mood I'm feeling, either Content or Tense, etc, and the conditional formatting will automatically highlight it the appropriate colour to make it all pretty and easy to read. \/ This was last week where I actually felt pretty okay for the most of it.
(https://i.imgur.com/Qcdb6MN.png)
But I also turned it into a big spreadsheet because now I can use basic code to compile graphs and charts, making the whole 'analyse your emotions' even easier. From doing all this I've found a few interesting points, such as; I thought I'd been slacking off in bed too much lately but the hours of sleep I've been getting has actually been decreasing which is nice to see.
As well as a 'Sleep Chart', I put together a 'Weekly Mood Trend' which I hope will be able to show the progress of my recovery. :)
(https://i.imgur.com/mY7BYar.png)
Basically it looks like this so far. I started the Mood Diary in week 1 as an idea from my therapist. In week 3 I shared to my therapist a snippet of my trauma that I'd told no-one else before, and understandably it completely knocked me off my feet. Boy, it was good to get off my chest, though I felt slightly pathetic sobbing and shaking in her office chair. Then week 4 I had the CPTSD diagnosis going for me, researching into it and it spiked my mood through the roof apparently... I guess I was finally feeling validated and I was finally understanding what was going on, why I feel the way I do.
But seeing the figures in this kind of helps remind me that this is all going to take some time. One day I'll share the story that I told my therapist here I'm sure, I've tried actually but I keep breaking down mid-way through and deleting everything before posting. :S So it's obvious that I'm not quite ready to share it yet.
A lot of my periods of negative mood come from being around my FOO, so I'm REALLY hoping that when I'm eventually living on my own, the 'negative' line will decrease by a lot. Though I'm at least glad that my positive moods outweigh the negative. Last year it was a different story, going through a six month long episode of depression and every single day feeling like I was living through a miniature *. Anyway, I'll stop blabbering. Statistics, data, and maths makes me happy. Haha
Hi Atramentous,
Your graphs and stats are amazing... :)
Hope :)
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on October 11, 2017, 02:08:36 AM
I really struggle talking positively about myself, so dedicating a good few pages to JUST myself and my 'good traits' was an effort and a half.
This is really difficult for me too. Another one of those CPTSD traits? It feels somewhat good to not be alone in this, tho I'm sorry you have it too.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: on finishing your resumee. Also on writing 5 Steps. And on your super-organised, colourful and professional-looking mood chart! :applause: :applause: :applause: (Pretty short for me, no?)
Quote from: Hope66 on October 12, 2017, 08:00:03 AM
Hi Atramentous,
Your graphs and stats are amazing... :)
Hope :)
Thank you! ;D Glad you like them.
Quote from: Blueberry on October 12, 2017, 03:18:02 PM
This is really difficult for me too. Another one of those CPTSD traits? It feels somewhat good to not be alone in this, tho I'm sorry you have it too.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: on finishing your resumee. Also on writing 5 Steps. And on your super-organised, colourful and professional-looking mood chart! :applause: :applause: :applause: (Pretty short for me, no?)
Wouldn't surprise me if numerous amount of peeps with CPTSD relate to that, unfortunately. :S Though it helps to ask my friends what my good traits are and they can usually come up with a few that I wouldn't have ever thought of. lol
But thank you a bunch for the kind words and cheers. :D
I'm feeling frustrated about living here again. You see, if I lived alone...
- I wouldn't have to be constantly cleaning up after my sister's mess just so I can keep myself in a kind of better mood.
- I wouldn't have to constantly check the washing machine to know when it's available and when I can go wash my own clothes.
- I wouldn't have to hide my own food so that my FOO won't eat it themselves.
- I wouldn't be woken up every 6-7am from my FOO blasting the TV and having their daily argument with absolutely no regards to me and my sleep.
I feel like one of the big steps to recovery is kind of 'claiming' my space, to be able to manage my surroundings as to how I see fit. (Yes, I realise this is a very controlling thing to say, which is why I plan to indefinitely live alone. ;) So nobody has to deal with that except myself. It's a win win situation.) There are a few things I've been trying, to kind of feel more like an actual adult, cook my own meals, reading magazines, tidying and organising my room, you know... things the stereotypical average female adult does. But I just can't seem to do enough to feel like I'm actually in control.
I think the only way to get this control of course is to move out but yeah, that's gonna take a while. :Idunno:
On another topic: Yesterday I almost fell into another spill of dissociation whilst talking to someone. It was the same person I was massively triggered by last time even which didn't help things. But I'm proud of myself for being able to ground myself this time and redirect the conversation to a less triggering subject. However, I still messed up in a way, because this topic wouldn't have come up at all if I had rejected her offer to join her online chat group. I accepted thinking; "This will be different. New people, new atmosphere." but in the end, I got that same feeling I did with all the past groups I was apart of. Alone... couldn't relate to anyone, couldn't find anything interesting to say, and I think I'm going to leave the group asap before I fall into a false sense that I'll be able to overcome these feelings. I'm just trying to think of what to tell her that won't possibly hurt her feelings.
"I'm leaving cause I don't enjoy the company of the people there" ...nah, sounds mean.
"I'm leaving cause it's just the same thing as before" way too harsh.
"I'm leaving cause I expected different" yeah nope.
"I'm leaving cause I have issues" the most accurate but probably just raises more questions than answers.
(sigh) Okay, Aphotic... no more joining social groups!!! You keep doing this over and over, expecting things to change but they don't! Stop it! You already have people you can come to for company and socialising, you literally don't need any more. So stop. You're just going to hurt yourself again and again.
lol If anyone has any ideas on what to say to my friend about leaving the group that won't hurt her feelings, I'm all for it cause we ain't got any ideas.
Dear Aphotic,
It's awful you still have to live where you are. I would also love a place of my own to mess up or tidy up, or organize the way that fits me the best. So I totally relate to that. But don't forget you are working towards your goal of moving out and getting a better job. :hug: Keep up the good work!
As for your friend, those things are tricky.
How about "I really apprechiate you inviting me to these groups, but right now I got so much on my plate that I can't be so involved" ?
hey, a.a.,
couple of things came to mind. i have some of the same issues you mentioned, as i live in a house with 4 other people. making sure the shower is empty, the bathroom isn't occupied, and someone isn't doing laundry when i want to - yep, i can relate.
i just can't afford my own place, so renting a room in someone's house was my best option. the owner is pretty much a clean freak, so there are higher standards i have to live up to then i'm used to. i would prefer to live by myself as well, but i don't think of that as a control issue. especially in your case - i think it's a self-care issue.
it's difficult to feel safe and at ease when you have to listen to blaring tv's and arguments. (happily, this place is very quiet and subdued). it's an infringement on your personal space to have to clean up after another. and, as far as making your own space your own, i know that one well.
the owner had this room decorated according to her own taste when i first moved in. altho i couldn't choose the color of the walls, etc., and it's furnished with her furniture, i was quick to replace her pictures with my own wall hangings, and make her decor my own as much as possible. it's unconventional, but it's mine and makes it homier for me.
as far as what to tell your friend, some of my go-to reasons for declining something is 'it's not a good fit for me', or 'it;s just not working for me'. if she presses for an explanation, one can always say something like 'i can't really explain it', or 'something just doesn't feel comfortable for me'. keep it personal by saying 'for me'. if she presses further, the old standby - 'i don't really know. it's just me, i guess'.
i've had a similar experience with support groups in the past, both online and in real life. i gave them a shot - this is the only place i've felt at home, part of the community. for whatever reason, the rest didn't quite fit my needs. i'm comfortable here, tho, and for that i'm grateful. glad you're here as well.
sending you a big hug filled with perseverance and confidence.
Quote from: Sceal on October 20, 2017, 10:49:16 AM
Dear Aphotic,
It's awful you still have to live where you are. I would also love a place of my own to mess up or tidy up, or organize the way that fits me the best. So I totally relate to that. But don't forget you are working towards your goal of moving out and getting a better job. :hug: Keep up the good work!
As for your friend, those things are tricky.
How about "I really apprechiate you inviting me to these groups, but right now I got so much on my plate that I can't be so involved" ?
Thank you Sceal. :) And cheers for the reminder. :P I should do another 'apply for as many jobs as I can possibly find' session tonight if I can, haha.
But in regards to what to tell my friend, that is a really good suggestion. :) Thank you. Will definitely try that.
Quotecouple of things came to mind. i have some of the same issues you mentioned, as i live in a house with 4 other people. making sure the shower is empty, the bathroom isn't occupied, and someone isn't doing laundry when i want to - yep, i can relate.
Oh yes, living with 3 other people and getting up in the morning readying myself for work, but there's this queue for the shower that I have to work around. :\ It's little things like these but they get tiring day after day after day.
Quoteit's difficult to feel safe and at ease when you have to listen to blaring tv's and arguments. (happily, this place is very quiet and subdued). it's an infringement on your personal space to have to clean up after another. and, as far as making your own space your own, i know that one well.
the owner had this room decorated according to her own taste when i first moved in. altho i couldn't choose the color of the walls, etc., and it's furnished with her furniture, i was quick to replace her pictures with my own wall hangings, and make her decor my own as much as possible. it's unconventional, but it's mine and makes it homier for me.
Thankfully with a sudden room to myself, I'll be able to keep it CLEAN.
But it's nice that the pictures and what not made it a little more homier for you. :) I've started putting up my printed drawings on my wall myself and they're soothing to look at.
Quoteas far as what to tell your friend, some of my go-to reasons for declining something is 'it's not a good fit for me', or 'it;s just not working for me'. if she presses for an explanation, one can always say something like 'i can't really explain it', or 'something just doesn't feel comfortable for me'. keep it personal by saying 'for me'. if she presses further, the old standby - 'i don't really know. it's just me, i guess'.
These are good suggestions too, maybe I can just tell her... "Thanks for inviting me, however I've got a lot of stuff I need to deal with at the moment and it makes it hard for me to really fit into these groups". Maybe? It's honest and explains things pretty okay I think. ^^
Quotei've had a similar experience with support groups in the past, both online and in real life. i gave them a shot - this is the only place i've felt at home, part of the community. for whatever reason, the rest didn't quite fit my needs. i'm comfortable here, tho, and for that i'm grateful. glad you're here as well.
Mhm, this forum is pretty great. :) I think I find it comfortable here because the general populace is more mature? And of course, I can relate to people here a lot more than anywhere else.
:hug: Thank you both for the replies.
i think your wording sounds just right. i'd go for it.
so very glad you're able to put your art on your walls. it feels comforting to think about it.
keep hangin' tough, a.a. we're hangin' right beside you. big hug filled with courage and conviction for you.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 21, 2017, 02:43:51 PM
i think your wording sounds just right. i'd go for it.
so very glad you're able to put your art on your walls. it feels comforting to think about it.
keep hangin' tough, a.a. we're hangin' right beside you. big hug filled with courage and conviction for you.
Thank you so much, San. :hug:
I've kinda been absent from here a bit but in a good way I think?
I've started writing down what alters I'm experiencing throughout the day, it can be a bit overwhelming at night thinking back and reflecting on it. But I'm hoping by the end of all this I'll be able to identify in-the-moment who I am and what I'm feeling.
But also, I think I've finally made myself a friend that lives in the same city as me. I was reading through my old Facebook messages and noticed I'd missed one, from someone I didn't know but he was asking me if I needed anything else for my PC so I assumed he was the guy who built my PC for me at the computer store in-town. I realized I didn't have to reply to it, and it was already 3 months late, but I replied anyway, apologised for my late response and told him I didn't need anything else. He replied, I replied. We ended up getting into casual chatter. It's been a few days of getting to know each other and yesterday I even visited him whilst he was at work. The alters make it hard to see him the same way every hour but majority of my alters really adore his company, and I find it's been a very good distraction because for the past few days it hasn't even felt like anything is wrong, like I don't even have CPTSD. It's extremely refreshing, and I'm hoping it stays this way for a while. I enjoy having some peace of mind, to be grounded and enjoy simply talking to someone.
Though there's a part of me that fears he'll stop talking to me, won't reply to my messages. But he's a very nice person, I don't think he would just suddenly stop talking to me... I hope... I really hope. He's the best thing that's happened to me this month I think, I don't want him to go away...
Sounds wonderful that you started talking to this guy!
I am glad that you've made a friend who's in your same town. :hug:
peace of mind is a blessing, and i hope you can enjoy it while it's with you. the whole thing sounds nice. yay for you. big hug, a.a.
Hi there. I noticed you tended to reply to my threads so I was curious about you. Thanks for that, AA.
It's great you've gained a friend. Not everyone in the world is nice, but there always seem to be nice people if you work hard to look. It's pretty scary I know, but there are people worth trusting out there.
Haha. I want to say more, but I'm getting shy. I might say something wrong.
For some reason, you're oddly more approachable than other people here to me. I don't know why. Maybe it's because you're nearer my age when most people here seem to be much older adults — with problems only much older adults have.
Well, good luck AA. All I can say.
@Sceal: ^^ Thank you.
@Sanmagic: The peace of mind has lasted a while which is nice. 5 days and counting, wow. I don't know why but I'm enjoying it as much as I possibly can.
@Decimal: No worries, dude. :) Thank you for the kind words though, it's much appreciated. And it can be nice to have people around your own age that have experienced the kind of things you have, it's comforting and relieving I think, sad, but comforting. Good luck to you as well, mate.
And a little update, as I said before, my mood has been strangely high this week. And I've even had some inspiration to draw more which is nice.
Though of course, my expectations in regards to my friend ended up to be true, fearing he'd leave me - he did just that. :\ Just suddenly, won't talk to me anymore, won't reply to any of my messages. It doesn't really help my self esteem but I'm trying to reassure myself that maybe I'm just the more lonely type of person. I don't crave social interaction as much as others, I don't really miss anyone. It was nice whilst it lasted but yeah. At least without him I have time to concentrate on my work and catch up on the forum.
It's sad that you lost contact with your friend. Though, I'm not forcing you to believe anything, only a short time has passed. And there's a myriad of other explanations for this other than your friend leaving you on purpose.
I've seen some of your art in the creative forum, and it looks amazing. I don't really know much about art though — people commented on expressing the emotions well, the lighting and so on but I don't really get this stuff. Haha — but it's nice you have something to express yourself with.
It reminds me of a show I watched that had a social outcast — outcasted because she loved studying and collecting rocks. She said she loved these rocks — because these rocks never judged her or hated her. In a similar way, many solitary hobbies allow a state where there is a lack of judgement from others. And at least for a little while, it can allow a sense of peace.
So I hope you enjoy what you can with your art, AA. See you around.
:bighug: I am sorry that you lost your friend. I'm with Decimal, maybe there's another reason for his absence. Not that the waiting game is any fun.
Great to hear that you've felt like drawing! As a fellow creative - I know how precious it is when one has the energy and will to create!
very sorry about your friend's abrupt departure. that kind of thing can be difficult, especially with no closure, no explanation. best to you with this.
i am glad you're doing some of your drawing, tho. very cool. creative outlet can be healing. big hug to you.
:hug: :hug: to you AA
Quote from: DecimalRocket on October 30, 2017, 06:23:03 AM
It's sad that you lost contact with your friend. Though, I'm not forcing you to believe anything, only a short time has passed. And there's a myriad of other explanations for this other than your friend leaving you on purpose.
I've seen some of your art in the creative forum, and it looks amazing. I don't really know much about art though — people commented on expressing the emotions well, the lighting and so on but I don't really get this stuff. Haha — but it's nice you have something to express yourself with.
It reminds me of a show I watched that had a social outcast — outcasted because she loved studying and collecting rocks. She said she loved these rocks — because these rocks never judged her or hated her. In a similar way, many solitary hobbies allow a state where there is a lack of judgement from others. And at least for a little while, it can allow a sense of peace.
So I hope you enjoy what you can with your art, AA. See you around.
Thank you Decimal. The reply and kinds words are very appreciated.
I can relate to that social outcast though... a lot of what I do is because it can't be judged - or at least, I can choose when to be judged or not. I like sitting at my piano playing the same song over and over and over, and nobody is around to get annoyed by it. It's relaxing for me.
@Sceal, San, Blueberry:
Thank you so much. ^^
[Trigger Warning - Happy rant? So don't read it if you're feeling a bit envious today]
I think something has kinda clicked for me lately... I asked myself "what are you afraid of?", "why are you so scared of your past?". And I thought about it hard and I realized that all that stuff I went through doesn't exist anymore. I can think for myself now, so who cares what my FOO says about me now? I'm not a child, I don't NEED anyone. Having the room to myself, being able to keep my space arranged the way I want it to, it's just a taste of what I'll have when I'm living on my own... and I'm getting closer and closer to that goal. And I should stop trying to look for new friends, I don't even need them - I already have a few friends that keep me company. I've even had an old friend recently come back online yesterday and it's been such a pleasure catching up with her. I don't even mind the thought of being alone... because I don't ever feel lonely.
This past week and a half has been strangely upbeat. Like, VERY upbeat. I was only unhappy for four hours in total last week apparently. And so far this week - 0 hours unhappy. Either I'm Bipolar or something good has happened. I hope I'm not Bipolar lol That would be such a pain. But I've been drawing regularly, keeping myself clean and fed and I'm about to go out to get my eyes checked and possibly buy new lenses for myself - most likely will.
I've even had the emotional strength to think of having my best mate visit me. My attempt at visiting him a year ago was a big trauma for me, a lot of things happened that should never have happened - the way I was treated by the officials there, how trapped I was. But I'm convinced I can make this right, get some closure. I'm convinced one day I'll be able to walk into an airport and not feel absolute fear and dread. I've talked to my mate about this upcoming visit a lot, and we already expect I might dissociate pretty hard when he arrives. But he said he's happy to interact with whatever identity springs up to take control, it's really comforting. It's nice to have someone around who knows all my different identities and behaves accordingly to whichever one is present.
But anyway, I really hope this mood keeps up - the productivity and inspiration. I don't know if I'll be around on this site much, I've been focusing on my physical surroundings a lot more lately and trying to keep myself organised as much as possible. It's good though.
:hug:
It sounds like you're in a good place now, and you deserve every second of it!
I am happy that you get to hang out with your best-friend soon, I hope it will be an amazing visit with loads of laughter, good conversations and great times. For all of your alters.
Keep up your drawing!
This site will be here if you need us, but I hope you don't :bigwink:
Quote from: Sceal on November 02, 2017, 09:37:27 AM
:hug:
It sounds like you're in a good place now, and you deserve every second of it!
I am happy that you get to hang out with your best-friend soon, I hope it will be an amazing visit with loads of laughter, good conversations and great times. For all of your alters.
Keep up your drawing!
This site will be here if you need us, but I hope you don't :bigwink:
Thank you kindly Sceal. ^^ I had a few days of uninterrupted peace which was so so nice. Now I feel more... "Back to normal", normal being just what I'm used to where I have an EF three times per week. Lol But I'm not too upset about it. I'm just glad I had that little while of happiness.
I've discovered a few things though in the past few weeks. Discoveries of my future, past, self, others. Been having EFs and my IC roars in my ears occasionally but I'm learning new triggers, and looking at it optimistically - it's all progress.
My best friend sighed earlier, and that threw me into an EF. Crazy. And so unexpected, really threw me off. But when it's all over I can analyse these things, realise why it hurt so much. I feel slightly bad for other people who have to deal with me and my emotional instability. They must have a great deal of strength and care for me if they haven't left me yet. :S
Trigger warning - emotional abuse
But I had a chance earlier to just think back and actually mourn a little. I remembered random things my FOO said and did, this time focusing on their anger and intolerance to my own emotions. My anger was not allowed, not even a slight grumble - complaining wasn't allowed. And whenever I was being screamed at, resulting in me crying - I remember my F telling me I was just crying to make him feel bad and that I should stop. He asked "Why are you crying? You have no reason to". I only cried because I was scared, because I felt so alone and hurt and in pain.
That's probably a reason as to why I don't cry as much as I should. It just feels unnatural somehow. I can shed maybe a tear or two but nothing more than that. I wish I could just... Weep and be able to express myself. I wish I could cry out, let it all out... But I can't.
a.a., to me, with the progress you're making (having that time of happiness - i think it portends that there will be more of those in the future, lasting longer as you have more experience with them), doing some grieving that was enabled by a time of self-reflection,it seems that the tears you need to express will eventually come. you just may not be ready for them yet.
they'll be there, tho, of that i have no doubt. you're moving forward with courage and determination. sending a big hug with more of the same, and lots of love.
AA, I think you're making tons of progress too.
I go through phases - sometimes very long ones - of not being able to cry. I feel tears behind my eyes, that's really what it feels like, but I can't shed any of them. Then there are short phases where tears are welling up all the time. I imagine that you will reach a point too when the tears start to come.
Here's :bighug: for all those times of pain and fear and loneliness you described.
:bighug:
I agree with the others, Aa. You are making lots of progress.
I find in myself that there was a point in grieving where the pain from memories just pile up one over the other until you need to let the tears out. It began in that feeling of a breaking point . . . until my eyes start to water and I get to the point where I'm crying with overflowing tears, moaning and snot. It's not pretty really, but it's a great relief after.
From the books I've read on this, people with trauma like us probably have contained a lot of supressed emotions over the years that need to be expressed. And that it's often healing to feel something that your younger self couldn't feel.
Take care, AA. You'll get there. You've come so far.
:hug:
Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 24, 2017, 07:53:13 PM
a.a., to me, with the progress you're making (having that time of happiness - i think it portends that there will be more of those in the future, lasting longer as you have more experience with them), doing some grieving that was enabled by a time of self-reflection,it seems that the tears you need to express will eventually come. you just may not be ready for them yet.
they'll be there, tho, of that i have no doubt. you're moving forward with courage and determination. sending a big hug with more of the same, and lots of love.
I do hope I'll have more of those bouts of happiness. ^^ It was really nice.
But maybe you're right there, that I'm just 'not ready'. Thank you very much for the reply, San. :) You're as helpful and loving as always. :hug:
Quote from: Blueberry on November 24, 2017, 08:25:53 PM
AA, I think you're making tons of progress too.
I go through phases - sometimes very long ones - of not being able to cry. I feel tears behind my eyes, that's really what it feels like, but I can't shed any of them. Then there are short phases where tears are welling up all the time. I imagine that you will reach a point too when the tears start to come.
Here's :bighug: for all those times of pain and fear and loneliness you described.
Thanks for sharing this, Blueberry! Let's hope that point where I can really just cry will come soon. I feel like I need it! Haha
:hug:
Quote from: Sceal on November 24, 2017, 08:56:02 PM
:bighug:
:hug:
Quote from: DecimalRocket on November 25, 2017, 11:19:14 AM
I agree with the others, Aa. You are making lots of progress.
I find in myself that there was a point in grieving where the pain from memories just pile up one over the other until you need to let the tears out. It began in that feeling of a breaking point . . . until my eyes start to water and I get to the point where I'm crying with overflowing tears, moaning and snot. It's not pretty really, but it's a great relief after.
From the books I've read on this, people with trauma like us probably have contained a lot of supressed emotions over the years that need to be expressed. And that it's often healing to feel something that your younger self couldn't feel.
Take care, AA. You'll get there. You've come so far.
:hug:
Thanks a bunch, Decimal. ^^ The reply is really appreciated. Honestly, I think the snottier and messier the crying is, the better it feels. :P Haha
Crying certainly was a very suppressed thing for me. I suddenly remember once... in Grade 10 or something, I was feeling so overwhelmed after being abused by my F that morning, I arrived at school and suddenly hugged my friend without warning, began to sob and weep hard on her shoulder. She wasn't sure what to do, just stood there kinda shocked haha, my bad. But it was nice to let myself cry like that. :hug:
I feel slightly bad for posting so much here lately but this week has just been so rough on me. Getting EF triggers every few hours that I can't get out of because I'm still stuck in this *. I'm in an EF now but there's nothing I can do except wait. It sucks, but whatever.
My FOO has me sitting at the dining table for dinner again these days. I just sit there in silence afraid to say anything. Occasionally they ask me when I'm working and such, I just give them the direct answers and leave it at that. But every single time we get together at the table, they bring up the whole marriage ceremony I apparently need to go to in April. This is a really big stressor for me, and it hits me really hard whenever it's mentioned. Going to the marriage ceremony would be like being hit with 20 triggers at once. It's my older sister getting married with someone she's known for a few years now. I'll be honest, I don't like the idea of marriage or being tied to someone like that. My parents married and over the 10 years they were married they threatened divorce as much as they hugged. I knew a couple who got married and then literally a month later divorced. So yeah, I'm not excited. In fact when I first heard the news my heart sunk - took me a while to realise that marriage is something normal people do and actually enjoy.
But it's not just the marriage itself that triggers me, it's that the ceremony is on the other side of the country - which means I'd have to catch a flight there. I get really bad shivers just thinking of going into an airport. And the thought of sitting in a plane for hours... no no no no no thank you.
And on top of that I've been thinking, what would my FOO think when I don't show up for the wedding? Upset obviously, mad, annoyed. Nothing new. I feel guilty about it. But why should I be? They've toyed with my emotions for years, so why is it so hard for me to do the same thing back for just one day? I'm fighting myself on this so hard.
Oh, and I just remembered... maybe another reason why I despise that marriage ceremony so much is because I was in an arranged marriage once (almost, only got to the engaged part). How did I even forget that? I guess when you've gone through so much bs it starts blending in and blurring a little. If I were to write all the possible triggers for this thing, I would have written an essay. This is ridiculous.
I refuse to go, I can't go. But when I've moved out in January, this won't be an issue. I just have to keep fighting till then. Just a little longer... hang in there.
Hang on in there, AphoticAtramentous,
Like you say, you've got till January - and time will pass - :hug: to you, and sorry that your week has been so rough on you - all those EF triggers - would be hard for anyone to cope with, but I really hope you get the strength from within you to get through this.
A family event is so challenging, and you have every right to decide what you want to do in that situation.
Just wanted to say that I hope that you will feel better about posting as frequently as you need to - I don't think there's a right or wrong amount to posting - and the great thing about this forum is that we do understand one another.
Take care
Hope :)
Quote from: Hope66 on November 26, 2017, 12:52:44 PM
Hang on in there, AphoticAtramentous,
Like you say, you've got till January - and time will pass - :hug: to you, and sorry that your week has been so rough on you - all those EF triggers - would be hard for anyone to cope with, but I really hope you get the strength from within you to get through this.
A family event is so challenging, and you have every right to decide what you want to do in that situation.
Just wanted to say that I hope that you will feel better about posting as frequently as you need to - I don't think there's a right or wrong amount to posting - and the great thing about this forum is that we do understand one another.
:yeahthat:
When our weeks are bad, we post a lot. It's OK, that's what the forum is
for. Hope's right. There is no right/wrong amount to the way you're posting.
I think you're doing great, just answering FOO's questions directly and leaving it that way. Sounds as if you are not getting drawn into arguments or justifying yourself. Which is good. Kudos :applause: to you for sticking through all this while seeing your abusers daily and being under their roof. A triggering situation in itself.
I missed 2 sib weddings that would have been majorly triggering for me in other ways. The last family celebration I went to ended up disastrous for me. It's good to know that we really don't have to go to these FOO celebrations. We don't need to feel bad about not going. Plus if you have a problem with airports, well, that's 'dangerous' so can't fly, sorry. Too triggering. Even if you do manage for you, to fly somewhere
you really want to go. That's different. For me anyway. I get full-blown anxiety in planes as opposed to in airports. Looking forward to the end result helps me to stay out of an EF on the journey. Wouldn'T if I was lookign forward to more stress. :hug:
:hug:
Hey, AA. It sounds like you're going through a lot of stress. You said your abusive FOO is going to be at the marriage ceremony and that's going to be tough on you.
I remember reading something about brainwashing when I read about World War II that reminded me of this. A general — I forgot the name — had this idea of putting a person in solitary isolation for a long time. And while taking advantage of this war prisoner's loneliness, he would talk to them as their only friend and use their vulnerability to send abusive messages to their minds that called for absolute obedience. He would surround the prisoner with people who were already brainwashed and keep them in an environment where they were stuck in that fashion.
It's a lot like this. Your past isolation from support. Other people taking advantage of your vulnerability. Your FOO creating an environment where no one believes in you. It's just . . . tough. But we'd be here to stay — an abusive environment might just be cured with a warm environment. So we'll be here waiting when you need help, alright, Aa?
I hope my analogy wasn't too weird or a bad idea. I have some . . . nerdy hobbies.
@Hope: Thank you a lot Hope, I really appreciate the reply. It's School Holidays soon so things are more quiet in regards to work - which means my sister is at home every day now, soon my M will be as well. Christmas is going to be so rough but I'll just try to get through it.
@Blueberry: Thanks for the kind words, Blueberry. ^^ Did you get much negativity from your FOO when you missed those weddings? One of the reasons why I want to go full no-contact with anyone in my family is because I don't want to be shunned and disowned over and over for me just looking after myself.
@San: :hug:
@Decimal: A lot of my FOO will be there yes... FOO, grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles. Ugh. But I don't think your analogy is bad or weird. Just makes me feel understood, thank you. This forum is very much a 'warm' environment and I'm thankful for it. Thank you for the reply.
I had work today and then went straight to a therapist appointment. I'm proud that I did those things in one day, got stuff done, makes me feel productive. It's the tenth T session so we had an obligatory little review of things and my T has said that I've definitely progressed a lot. Apparently when I first came in she wrote me down as having severe depression and anxiety. But today she's told me that I'm now sitting more at a kind of 'medium' depression and slightly-less severe anxiety. It kind of surprised me to hear 'severe depression'. I mean I knew I had a #$%^& mood but I didn't think it was that serious. I still have a long way to go, a lot of fears to overcome and triggers to conquer. But at least I'm making progress.
Though the one thing I don't really see myself progressing in is my identity. I still feel lost and confused about myself, I don't know who I am. I'm not sure what to do about it. I shouldn't think about it too hard right now because I'll just feel angry at myself for it.
hey, a.a.,
sounds like you've definitely made some great progress. you're doing a lot of hard work to accomplish that.
severe depression is going to mess with your mind, making it hard to concentrate and focus on things such as your identity. i wouldn't be so hard on myself, if i were you. getting out of a severely depressed state is going to take a lot of energy all by itself. it doesn't leave much room for some of the finer details we want to tackle.
i believe that as you continue to progress in your recovery, you'll be able to find your 'self' more and more. it'll come. it's the old saying of 'we have to learn to walk before we can run'. you'll get there - of that i have no doubt. big hug to you my dear, full of patience and love.
@San: Thank you greatly for the reassurance. It's a lot of waiting but I also need to remember to take care of myself and keep on moving forward. It's so difficult but it has to be done to make any more progress so.
---
Trigger warning
I feel fragile. I've been in an EF for about two days now and it's sucked the life and happiness out of me. It's just gotten worse till an hour ago I was listening to every single little thing my inner critic told me. "I'm a pain, nobody wants me." "I'm better off dead." "What's the point in anything." And then I wanted to hurt myself, 'punish' myself and make me feel the pain that I felt I deserved. But my best friend talked to me, told me to stop and to not listen to my illness. I got so close to hurting myself but I didn't. Instead I suddenly grabbed my pillow and actually managed to sob! Not these little pathetic teardrops. I cried till my entire face was wet and my nose an entire mess. Granted I could still only cry for a minute but I can't remember the last time I cried this much. And the whole time whilst I cried, I thought "Why me?" and "What did I do to deserve this?". Which I'd like to think are a lot better to say than what my IC was saying before.
I feel... I don't know, mad for being in an EF but accomplished I've let myself cry like that.
I have a humorous theory that maybe I can't cry is because I used up all my cry-quota. When I was a child and I cried, I cried a LOT. I cried till I was hyperventilating and barely able to breathe. I'm certain I cried more than the average child. Thus I'm all out of tears now, I cried more than what was expected of me. So now I just have to wait for my supply of tears to 'refill'.
I don't know if I'm still in an EF or not. I hope writing this has grounded me a little. I'm afraid of tripping and losing the positivity I hold so gently in my hands, afraid I'm going to fall back into that dark pit. I don't know what caused the EF, haven't had one this long before but I won't think about it yet, not until my mind is clear and less foggy. It might be the nightmares that kick-started it but I'm not sure.
:grouphug: :bighug:
I hope you are feeling less EF and more grounded now that you've written a bit and cried.
You have such a way with words, AA! I don't, they keep disappearing today. So just sending more :hug:
Thank you Blueberry, means a lot.
Ah, Aa. I've had a tough time recently and finally teared up in a similar way you have too. Many of us here have been taught not to cry, not to get so emotional, but this is what's true healing is to many of us. No crying to a minute of deep crying sounds like progress to me.
You're worth it, and you don't need to punish yourself for being human. I won't blame you. Or angrily yell at you. Or minimize the intense pain of what you're going through. No pressure, no rushing and no hatred.
Take care of yourself, Aa,
crying. it has been our nemesis and our savior and a lot of us are still trying to find a balance with it. i know i am.
i was shut down from crying by harsh criticism and mockery. there were many years, situations, and circumstances for which i didn't cry. the first time i went into therapy half a lifetime ago was when my crying began again. then, however, it just kept leaking out generically at anything emotional. i couldn't stop myself and it continued to get worse and more often.
lately, i've been able to find some focus for it, and have cried heartily on several occasions in the past weeks. these tears have been different, as if they've had a purpose. i believe they have been cathartic and cleansing, even tho difficult and exhausting. still, i'm glad for this new direction - it's seeming to bring resolution to some very old issues.
i think your time will come, a.a., when you'll be able to cry again, and it will be more appropriate, more directed, and with understanding. i'm really happy for you that you had that great cry. i don't doubt more will come. good for you for letting it happen. these tears of ours are full of toxins. also hope you're out of that nasty ef. those are not fun.
warm, loving hug for you, my dear. it's too bad we can't all have a good cry together.