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Not doing so good again recently. My inner critic is growing and growing - potentially worse than ever before. It's like it's own entity now saying things like "kill yourself" over and over again. I / it calls me names for no reason too, like stupid cow. It's crazy. I say it out loud sometimes too and have to stop myself when I notice (only do this on my own but still).
I stopped doing my social anxiety therapy a while back. I've been pretty bad mentally so I guess I just stopped having the time or focus. It all gets too much, this life thing. Unfortunately I become overburdened by social interaction, it constantly triggers me. I knew I was overwhelming myself but I was so pressured so have maxed out at doing all the things, being sociable etc. It's been too much, too fast but I so wanted a "normal" life now. I felt pressured by work things too as I was literally told to be less anxious and more confident (I've probably written about this before). It's totally unfair but I internalised it and just want to do well so much. But I'm burning out, I have been for a while. Ultimately it's not helping in the long run, I've taken a massive leap back it feels. But setbacks are normal, right? I can get back to a better place. I just need to prioritise my mental health more, again. It's just hard when you're working full time and feel like you have all these obligations.

It's my birthday today. I'm 20. Feels weird, I'm like totally an adult age now. No more being a teenager.

Totally new, unrelated point but I've noticed something: I'm very codependent. I cling to people. I develop crushes on anyone and everyone. I get attached easily but not because I like someone but because I feel I need someone. No, not even that: I need their approval, their positive regard. I crave it, to be loved or even just liked for me, the real me. I guess because that could prove my inner critic wrong. But I think I've been loved like that, I just didn't have the same feelings back romantically, so it didn't work out. It was nice, but I overelied on that person, constantly venting to them and stuff. I stuck around I think because I wanted to love someone who loved me like that - it would be easier, safer: so much safer. But I couldnt. Eventually I realised I had to do the right thing and break it off because they wouldn't take the hint, a friendship couldn't work. But I think my sticking around so long and relying on them was rather codependent.

Talking to guys terrifies me. I constantly feel rejected if my message isn't replied to right away, I overanalyse whatever I've said sometimes before I even send it and find so many faults. It's probably all imagined, idk. It's silly little things but my brain makes them major. It says look at you talking about yourself so much, you narcissist. It says look at you not showing enough interest, you confusing *. It finds fault someplace, somehow. The worst is when I just go "oh no, that was really weird". See I'm quite a goofy, take the piss person sometimes. But being like found as weird terrifies me because it confirms everything my shame stems from: I'm weird, I'm off, I'm a freak who doesn't fit in.
Being bullied in high school really sticks with ya, huh?
I resent read reciepts so much, lol. I actually have a technique where I go onto airplane mode to read messages so I can form a reply to send or alternatively keep the message marked as unread until later. I think it works, though who knows with the read reciept thing. Could be causing problems lol oh well.
Unfortunately that's not so simply on things like snapchat. Must develop new techniques so I can continue being the queen of social avoidance (Jk) (a little bit).
Being heavily reliant on attention from others to validate me is kind of funny because I can sit around moping that nobody is talking to me, get proper like suicidally depressed about how alone/ unloved I am and then someone or a few people will message me and I'll be like WHAT THE * GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW!!!

The irony is something else

Ah writing always helps clear out your thoughts. I should do this more.

Night,

Samantha x

Also I just read that post fully and I wanna say the people who have mocked you in your life are also *.

You sound like a caring, considerate, smart individual who has unfortunately been surrounded by very conservative, nasty people.

Have you ever heard of activist burnout? I know you haven't said you're actively fighting for social justice or whatever, but even learning about it and being hyper aware can take its toll. It can be healthy to take a step back for self care, maybe that could help.

I recently watched a YouTube video where someone spoke about our culture wide perception on the world. It feels like it's going to sh*t doesn't it? You watch the news / read social media - more death, more cruelty, more destruction. But in reality the world is better than it's been before it seems, the good stories just don't get all the attention. According to this video at least poverty has massively decreased and there were other things, like healthcare massively improving etc.

There are good people too, I like the story about this little boy being upset by the news and his mum saying "but look for the helpers. There are always helpers." And it's so true. People come out in their masses to help following atrocity. People are increasingly educated on social issues and changing their lifestyles and attitudes as a result of our good friend the Internet.

Pete Walker speaks about how non abused children grow up with a sense of love and wellbeing so the horrible news is another world to them, yano? But for the abused child it becomes like "oh my gosh, the entire world is bad!"

But it's not. Perception is everything and ours has been repetitively tarnished.

I know what it is to feel consumed by the darkness but the stars always come back.

All the best in seeing them again <3

Yeah the triggered meme pisses me off so much. I see it a lot where it seems to be mocking Tumblr kids, like people think we say we get triggered because it's cool / hipster / trendy. A lot of these same people are mocking the LGBT+ community and those fighting for social justice (which is perfectly decent and worthy and those taking the piss just want to silence them and be a * because they're * grr).

I can't say triggered to people without cringing now, or explaining myself in detail about it. It's fed my inner critic and wariness.

The self hatred I get when triggered by people mocking triggers is darkly ironic.

I just think of what others would think a lot, and I feel like they would find it hilarious and pathetic that I believe I'm triggered by them mocking the concept of being triggered. It's disgusting really, if people would only stop and think about what they're saying, stop and care.

I do believe that some people are arseholes doing it but also that others just pick up on what others say without thinking, a lot of people aren't very consious.

It makes me so uncomfortable though and it should be taken more seriously.

Thank you ThreeRoses :-) that's really nice of you. You are good enough too of course <3

I've quit smoking for like 4 days now, though I think it will be forever this time. Food is wonderful again, like oh my gosh. I am eating like nothing else, I actually love food. When I was smoking I just felt eternally sick and had barely any appetite. I forgot what it was like to freaking love food. I don't think I'll have any problem putting back on the lost weight now

The Allen Carr book on quitting smoking did help me some, I do believe, but I think I was also just ready to. I realised I hated it, but that book helped me break some psychological beliefs that were holding me back from quitting long-term. So yay.

Everybody doesn't hate me, still. My brain was being a potato. Nothing new there. I'm okay, I've always been okay.

The negative thoughts are not quite so frequent but still there.

I do think about suicide quite a lot but nothing new there either. There's probably less intent behind it these days. There's even been occasion where I don't feel it at all, I'm really happy to live.

I feel like I belong a good bit more at work now. I think that's because I've been making more friends and treating my social anxiety. I say making more friends but I always had some in a sense my brain was just too filled with negativity to see it. I am making friends more though.

I don't feel total fear walking down the corridors anymore. I feel like I belong and am allowed to be there, I'm a good enough, well enough liked person.

Opening up out of your shell is pretty cool because, apart from maybe the odd awful person, nobody is going to reject you like your parents / abusers / bullies did. People are generally all nice and friendly, at least in my experience :-) it's nice. I feel like I'm getting back to me.

I had friends once, I made friends with more ease. I really did, even though I was still socially anxious. I feel I'm getting back to that and I forgot how it was. It's nice. It's not as weird and obscure as my depressed brain made this possibility, it's just pretty normal, but also really nice. :-)

I still dissociate when I get stressed, but not as much. I still shake and freak out but I don't hate myself for this as much and I move on, I go out, I talk to people - I'm doing pretty good.

I feel like I've really went on a journey this past year, and it's been filled with suffering but also growth and it's been beautiful in a way because it's my story and it's a story of dedication to staying alive through the worst and healing.

I look forward to seeing where the future takes me, I hope I continue to grow and grow but I will, right? Kind of think that's what life is all about sometimes.

Why I hate myself:
I went out for a drink with work people last night and I spoke a lot to certain people which makes me feel like a weirdo for spending most of my night with certain people because they might be like omg I don't like her please go away (although this is unlikely * but yea).
I may have made one unintelligent comment to the bosses.
I also feel I didn't speak enough or about the right stuff at times, because I was nervous and also potentially just boring.
I was physically shaking due to anxiety. Noticed someone looking at my shaking hand so they noticed. Yay I'm officially a freak.
I spoke away to someone I don't usually speak to. This is inconsistent.
I have ended up thinking that one of the guys maybe really doesn't like me and thinks I'm a weirdo.
I've ended up thinking that I wasn't wanted there. What if I wasn't wanted there?
What if people were like oh no, she's here (but why would they be??)

I'm done. My brain is a * * storm.


What if I love myself? What if I just say sod all of this and decide Im good enough, * anyone who thinks otherwise and keep living as me?!

That would be nice. But it terrifies me. But that would sure be nice.

I wanna do that because it seems like the way to having (/maintaining) friends. I would like to be happy in my skin. 

I keep saying "I hate myself". It's become like a mantra in my head.
"I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself".

Reading this thread on Reddit this morning did really help though:

https://m.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/2ia3ir/why_do_i_hate_myself_so_much/

Still saying it though. Why do I hate myself so much?

It's obviously not right, I think. I'm not doing anything cruel. The only reason to hate myself is that I think I am a freak and that other people must look at me with wariness or disgust. This could be a projection of my parents and those who bullied me though, right?

I wish I could believe more that other people are my friends. I feel like they must think I'm a total freak though. I hate when I socialise more because it gives room for people to hate me and think I'm a * weirdo. The way I feel is a contradiction: I don't want people to think I'm into them, so worry if that comes across by me talking to them too much or whatever, and I also hate myself for my social anxiety for this makes me withdrawn. I only feel good if I am confident (and even then I can feel like crap). I feel vulnerable to be hated and judged when I am a bit quieter and anxious (although let's be honest I hate myself anyway). This is likely because of all the times people made me ashamed of being quiet. My mum shamed me so badly, and my dad sneered at me about it. Then there were all the "friends" at school who did not understand. Ironically they were all part of the problem.
I wish I had a normal life growing up. I wish I could replace my childhood with something wholesome and happy - take away the little girl who was deeply saddened by the fact that "something bad happens every single day". I feel I was around 7 years old, maybe younger. Who has these depressing, despairing thoughts at like 7 years old? It was something I had confirmed, every day held badness. I'm not sure what exactly it was, I remember attributing it that day to the girl in my street who was bullying me, but I think it shows wider pain and depression.

I don't know what to do with all of this self hatred and resulting depression.
I honestly am starting to believe it. And it's pouring into my mind so heavily. It's weighing me down.
I've lost so much weight, it's actually frightening. I'm nearly 20 and skinny jeans that I owned since age 15 are now very baggy on me. None of my clothes fit me anymore, everything is too big.
I struggle with eating so much. I make excuses like it costs too much / I'll eat more tomorrow. Truth is, I don't find pleasure in eating anymore. I do it occasionally because I have to.

People are seeing more potential in me and more people are being like my friends. I've started getting angry because it's like I want them all to leave me alone. I don't express this anger but it's there. Leave me alone, you'll only be disgusted in me over time, and I don't want that pain.

I don't quite want to do this anymore. I'm so done.

At the same time I want to see that my brain is wrong, but what if it's right? That would really hurt and upset me :-( I like making friends. I don't like it when people hate me. I don't want it to be true.

It shouldn't be true. I'm not that bad, how can I be? I'm struggling to even find reasons for this feeling.

Still I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself.

I'd rather not be alive, then nobody can judge me or drag me down.

I wrote a post somewhere else on here about how I question reality and have done throughout my life, likely due to all the gaslighting I experienced and my trauma response type of freeze.
I suddenly realise there are unaddressed things I should be angry about - like the gaslighting. I still don't fully believe myself, I can't... just incase. This is wrong and possibly a case of denial, I know this. 
They * me up and the evidence is not in their favour. Their arguments are so weak it's almost humorous if it wasn't so terrible. Things like "your dad wasn't abusive, you can't trust your memory, because the time he smashed your friends laptop into pieces you thought he kicked you and he never kicked you". I've already posted that here I think but it's a prime example.
I'm good at analysing things, * I was the best at essay writing in my class, yet I can't fully believe in the clear evidence shown when I have analysed my own memories. Because it's my own mum. How could she do that to me? It hurts too much to imagine. What the *?
It's scary because what does it say about her? What does it say for my siblings still at home, to live with them both? There's so many scary things to accept.
Your mum teaches you reality, right? You trust her with all your heart. She's the vessel you see the world with.
What happens when they lie to you? What happens when they tell you your own experiences are wrong and twist them so that you deserve abuse? *.
I don't want to believe it all because if I do how can I stand to be around them? We're still playing happy families.
But how can I leave this repressed? It's not healthy. I need to believe myself where I was hurt so I can believe myself now and be a fully integrated person.
My mum broke my heart. My dads abuse was obvious - it was very easy to say "this is extremely * wrong". But my mums was deep and insidious. Sometimes I think now that this messed me up more. I don't know. I don't want to blame that * less, he was the (most) violent and verbally horrible, sick, nasty, controlling evil one.
But I put my mum on a pedestal. She had so much space to shape my perception of the world, and she abused that entirely. I was so vulnerable and that would really * a person up.
I hate them. This is so sick. I feel like my life has became a psychological horror story, the kind you read about, not the kind you're supposed to experience.
I don't want this life (but I know I'll get over this. I know I am strong. I am healing in other ways and I know that this is part of the process. Things need to be realised so that they can be let out and resolved. Still * hurts though).

Trigger Warning: questioning reality, paranoia, dissociation, glaslighting affects etc.


This isn't about trauma memories, this is about the day-to-day. It's really weird but sometimes it's like I question that things are real - is this experience real? I don't feel inside of myself or completely believing. It's not necessarily a negative experience but I feel pretty detached, like I am not me, I am out with that identity, that story.
I hear things, people talking, or experience things and wonder if I've made it up. Of course I haven't, but I doubt myself. It's really weird, sometimes I think it's an anxiety thing, like my brain is warning me "what if this didn't happen? Then how silly will you look" or something. I don't even know. Like I will question that a positive social interaction has occurred, just incase. How crazy to doubt ones own solid memories, but here I am.
It's weird. I guess it's like a cross between dissociation and depersonalisation. Likely also a result of gaslighting, as my M has really messed me up with that in the past. Maybe it's a learned behaviour - you doubt your memories / sanity and analyse their legitamacy long enough I guess it makes sense if this seeps into your day to day life.
I think I do it more the more I make friends and stuff - the dissociation and that. Stresses of a c ptsd life, eh?
I'm coping with it, it's just hard to find relation to this anywhere. I figured people who also have c ptsd might understand, yano?
If you have any input or shared experiences feel free to share. If not that's fine I am p much just getting this out.
Making me realise more thinking about this as well. I am so definitely a freeze type.  I used to fantasise and hope that high school was just a terrible nightmare that I would wake up from. I dissociated from reality a lot by watching tv and then becoming like a smart phone addict.
I retreated so much and now life, as I come out my shell, feels less like reality.
Also, this definitely relates, I think, to the time I had a really bad breakdown from reading and analysing conspiracy theories. It was like a downwards spiral of believing in crazier and more terrifying ideas. My beliefs were of a paramout level of terror and paranoia, the kind most people would not even be able to think up haha. I questioned the very foundations of reality, never mind just my own existence. It was terrifying. I got over it, but I feel it relates to dissociation now I guess, as I didn't know what to believe about what was real - my experience not only didn't count, but wasn't trusted.

Oh well. I'll deal with this like ive dealt with everything else so far. It's just so weird and freaky, when you feel this way. Like am I real? Is my life even real? etc, etc. It could be viewed as spiritual but it's more like detachment. For me spiritual would be to acknowledge a soul and a current identity, not just feel like some lost and confused soul that's like "what the heck?"
Totally rambling here but yeah...

 

Go you! 

These achievements may seem little compared to other people but they are definitely not small for us. They are milestones. Well done!
 

Thanks for the replies both of you. I remember being comforted by them and I thought I had replied at the time, oops.

To update, I am doing a lot better and getting there - slowly but surely. It's a rewarding process. The people who I had been kind of friends with and drifted from have become closer friends than they were before. Life isn't set in stone after all, of course :-)

I just thought I'd post this here so anyone who reads this and relates knows. It makes sense that life and the brain are malleable and changeable but when I was in a dark place it often felt eternal. But things can and do change. We are happy people underneath all of this pain, I do believe, struggling to get out.

I'm still struggling, but seeing more light is one way to put it.

Thank you again guys, I relate to both messages. Here's to further growth for all of us!

My experiences are different, especially as I am still rather young, but I can say I experienced a good deal of healing once I realised I had C PTSD too, and began to address my issues, vent (mostly to a diary lol skint life) and grieve.
I understand being triggered by seeing family, it sucks. Sorry you have to go through all of that.
If you dream of going to the west coast maybe that will be good for you! I have found moving away and following my dreams to be quite helpful, if it will make you happy I would say go for it! :-) (if you want to of course. I must say it did take me time to get settled and that but hey ho.)

Your anger is deserved, hopefully this will help you in the long run to feel it so you can grieve and let it out of your system.

Sending love and healing. I wish you all the best 

I definitely do this too. I never used to be very good at it, as I constantly had toxic people in my life, but as I began to learn about abuse and left my ex I began to get quite obsessive about it.
I scan so many people for traits of narcissism, mainly romantic interests and men who are very talkative. I've been right about people a few times, and other times I'm over worrying I think, but it's hard not to be cautious - maybe I'd rather be. 

Haha, ridiculous, isn't it? Sorry you can relate. At least we can find humour in it I guess...

Thanks for the advice, I will try these. I love the one where you make it into a funny voice 

And thank you. That's so nice of you to say You 100% belong here too and I'm sending you all the good vibes 


Ok so for diary stuff now. I said no to something today, an invitation to go out, because I didn't wanna go out. This was actually really difficult to do!! But I'm glad I did. I can't keep living my life bent to the will of other people, other people who most likely wouldn't even want me to live like that!
I've struggled with not saying no for so many years. I never knew why I was like that before, but now as I reflect on my life growing up I can see why. I remember being shamed for turning down a shopping invitation from my aunt, pretty badly shamed. My descisions were not my own.
This led to some pretty silly life experiences - like being in a four month relationship with someone I wasn't even attracted to because I couldn't say no to meeting up, I couldn't say no to kissing, I couldn't say no to going out. Which was ridiculous !! But like I said I didn't know why I was like this, only that I was, I was a desperate people pleasure but I didn't even quite know why. It was automatic, deeply ingrained.
I still have some of these issues, but I am getting better I think.

I feel a bit liberated just now :-) I made my life my own today. Saying no feels good, which is funny cause I was expecting toxic shame, which held me back from saying it for so long.

Decent people are still going to like you. Only really problematic, angry people are going to get pissed at you for having your own life outside of them. I know this.
There's nothing wrong with politely saying no to something, actually it's a wonderful thing to do. Otherwise, how can we say we are free? We need to own our rights and own our lives. It's not even a big deal at all, it's really not. I'm fully aware of that, it's just a negative brain pattern. It's not logical, the fear, the shame, the desperation to put yourself aside to "please", and I know it.

Besides if we live our lives as people pleasers, we won't feel truly liked, we will feel like the mask is liked. It takes being yourself to enjoy being genuinelly liked by others :-) and that is way more rewarding.

Today I want to do nice things, exercise and be creative and relax. Me things, I just want some me time. And I have a few people I said I'd see this weekend, so I don't want to overload myself with plans. I made the better descision :-)

Mad how much this is over nothing, but good that I'm learning and progressing, lol.

My inner critic has been really strong recently.
I've started getting looping thoughts that I can't seem to stop. "I hate myself" goes round in a loop when I get bad sometimes. It's a new thing. Also variations of "I want to die".
Yay! New issues!

My toxic shame has been more intense than normal. It's craaazy. It's so extreme, to the point where I'll believe I'm so awful and embarassing I wish I hadn't been born or I could erase my existence entirely.
Then what I'm stressing about gets proven wrong, so and so still likes me and I've not made a complete * of myself. So it falls away, proving I am entirely dependent on the approval of others. Woo!
I honestly think I'm just pushing myself a bit much, still. There's a lot of pressure on me, from others and from myself, to be a certain kind of person. And I can't meet this bar that's in my head, especially when my IC can find fault in anything I do.
It's like ive wrote in my diary before:
If I talk: oh wow ive said too much, Im a weirdo, im a narcissistic freak I need to stop.
If I don't talk: * well this is awkward.

Cannot win!!

I'm gonna get to bed soon cause I am so sleepy. Nearly the weekend so maybe I'll take some time to recover. :-)

The past week has been one of my hardest in a while, but I am feeling more positive again tonight.

I was doing a lot at once, facing a lot of my fears and I lost control of my minds incessant scribbling. It rolled way of the page as my attention to controlling it deviated.

I have been really scared and depressed. I experienced a setback in effects due to this. I was so overwhelmed and I did not feel in control. Suddenly, sending emails terrified me again, all these little things.

I pushed through, somehow. The weekend came and I relaxed, I cried and I began to recover. My dissociative state broke after my big cry, I suddenly feel more in touch with my surroundings, more real.
It's like I wasn't really aware of my home before (it's a new one you see), but now I feel actually in it. Dissociation is weird.
One of my biggest stressors was that I was talking to a boy I had met the weekend before. I was attracted to him, we have similar interested and he was really sweet to me
I struggled to control my mind and keep texting back, the anxiety creeping in, analysing every word before I sent it and finding within them enough flaws to paralyse me from making a move. So I stopped replying. And this self sabotage dropped me down into an even deeper depression. But the anxiety was a little less, I began to eat more again where before I had been slightly starving. This was my life situation from talking to a boy that I was actually interested in.

I still hadn't text back when the weekend arrived, although I did consider it. My friends ended up coming up to visit and we went out and had a really good night. I love my friends. They make me really happy and I feel my new house feels more like a home now it contains such a happy memory, yano?
So I opened up to one of my close friends when I was drunk, and she took my phone and typed out a reply without sending it. I was still terrified though I laughed about it. She was trying really hard to motivate me to just do it, now or never etc. But I was effing * it.
Today I sent the God damn message. I'm not expecting to get a reply or not to get a reply, I'm just glad I took control of my own life here again. It feels... better.
My depression tends to be a result of anxiety and avoidance, so I feel way less depressed now I am not being avoidant.
I'm still a bit sad, but I was sad anyway. I already decided I had screwed it up. This slightly unscrews that and leaves the ball in his court.
I know I cannot completely help my anxiety, it's an old habit that can't be fixed with the snap of my fingers.
I can choose to increase my self love and calmness, work on making cognitive changes and put energy into healing. So that is what I am doing.

Recovery is not easy, but it is worth it. I'm sure I read that somewhere.

It's not easy. You do things that you've been terrified of and it cuts you open, all these raw emotions pouring out, these unhealthy reactions, this leftover trauma. It hurts. But once you are cut open and it seeps out you can choose how you transform it, you can choose how you put the wound back together.

I love myself. I keep telling myself this to counteract the voice that says the opposite. I love myself.

I am healing, it is taking time and effort but I am healing and it is beautiful and this increase in freedom is incredible.

(Since writing this I have tried to sleep but been overwhelmed with anxious analysis and toxic shame. Gosh this * is annoying. I wish I could be someone who just doesn't give a *. I am getting to a more carefree place but it is not easy.
I will try my best to remain positive throughout this situation, nonetheless.)

I just feel like such a weirdo for replying to a text like 5 days later. I made an excuse by saying my phone had been broke. But I literally replied to the previous messages as if no time had passed before explaining this, and my IC is rejoicing that this makes me weird.
It's also rejoicing that the entire situation makes me weird. It's finding fault in the fact I never continued conversation much with adding a question or whatever (but I think this is better because it leaves the ball in their court first). My IC has even imagined for me scenarios where conversations have been had about me and how I am no good, lol.

This really shouldn't be such a big deal, right? Like it isn't.

I'm just so shame based as a person. I hope to install a more positive and self loving base soon.

I am getting there but it is a struggle. I hope I come out the other side feeling alive and well.

Yes, I know that this stuff shouldn't be such a big deal, but everyone here probably also gets how it is for us.