Not Alone: Reduced Visibility; One Step at a Time

[Sceal]

Take your time. You don't have to share if you don't want to. This is your journal, your place. You can write in it whatever and whenever you like.

Thinking of you!

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
I wanted to send you a hug,     
I am also thinking of you. 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Twice this month I see my new T 2x/week. Starting in April, I will see him 2x/week consistently.

I am trying to "catch up," that is telling new T about my trauma and relationships. A simple sentence, but a complex and painful process. When I tell him something, then I continue to process, then there is more to tell.  When I anticipate telling him something, then that memory loops around in my mind. I saw him Thursday and told him a memory so that was close in my thoughts and feelings. I've decided to tell him about a different abuse on Monday. The Part of me that went through that is very near and feeling angry and dizzy. The memory loops, although not constantly. I went for a walk today, which helped.

He is not pushing me and wants me to go at a pace that is "kind." I have lost ground by switching therapists. I want to move forward. I guess what feels kind is getting the telling over with. With the memory I will tell on Monday, more details have come to me. Ugh.

Hope (5) has met new T. She introduced our bear, Roman and her doll, Harriet. A week ago Jo met him. Lots more to say about that; maybe another time.

I think in my heart (and in the hearts of the Littles) I am starting to trust and rely on T2 more. When something comes up, instead of immediately thinking that I want to tell T1, I am starting to think of telling T2.

[Bach]

That retelling everything to a new therapist is HARD. I remember it from a couple of years ago when my therapist retired and I had to get a new one.  So much crying. So many difficult feelings that were not new but which I had previously identified but then protected myself from really feeling or dealing with. It's good that T2 is encouraging you to go at a kind pace and not pushing you. I felt a lot of impatience or maybe resentment with the effort and pain of retelling, and wanting to move forward, but after a while I found that the retelling was helpful. It gave me valuable new insights, and a new appreciation of my own strength and my willingness and determination to continue to work to reduce my sufferings. I hope for that for you. 

[Snowdrop]

I really like T2 saying to go at a pace that is kind, and what that means is up to you. Delighted to hear that you and the Littles are starting to trust him. I know it's but I think you're doing really well.

I hope it goes well today. Thinking of you, and sending you love and hugs.

[sanmagic7]

 

no words today, but am with you all the way.  love and hugs, notalone

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
Just wanted to send you a supportive hug 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Bach, Snowdrop, San, Hope,

A big hug to all of you. 

In therapy today, a Part told T a memory. She felt heard, understood, believed and cared for.

Tonight I read a story to the Littles. I think it will be good if I start doing that on a regular basis again. It is a chance for me to nurture some Littles and for other Littles who are unsure of me, to be somewhat near me in a way that feels somewhat safe. Wow------just as I wrote that, I realized that reading was part of grooming for one of the Littles, who I am not close to. UGGGHHHHH! Well, we will change that so that she can have the experience that having books read to her is a safe, nurturing thing. Oh I'm so mad. 

[Not Alone]

I read to the Littles again tonight. This seems to be a good, nurturing way to connect with them. I felt really tired and was tempted to skip it, but glad that I took the time to be with them and read.

[Snowdrop]

In therapy today, a Part told T a memory. She felt heard, understood, believed and cared for.

Oh I'm so pleased. I'm glad that the Part trusted T enough to tell him, and I'm delighted with how she felt afterwards.

I love how you're reading to your Littles. I can imagine it's very nurturing. I wonder if that's something I should try.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Snowdrop. For now, reading seems a good way to connect. Sometimes it is an opportunity to remind the Littles that they are safe (story about someone afraid of the dark), or last night it was a silly story, so a chance to laugh together and for me to be "Mom." I did what you do with little kids, for example, counting the monkeys on each page. The Little who had reading used in her grooming, was still a distance away last night, but was listening and a couple of times she counted the monkeys on the page. After the story I checked in with everyone to see how they were doing. Hope was sad and missing T1 so she was able to color a heart for me to send to him.

Today I will try to read to the Littles before my H gets home. He knows about the DID and probably would be okay if he found out I was reading to them, but I still feel uncomfortable. The fear of "being found out" weighs on me when I'm reading with the Littles.

[sanmagic7]

this has all been so fascinating to me, and i'm learning a lot, so thanks for sharing.  i told my t yesterday that this is an area i haven't really explored yet, and that *gulp* i felt afraid.  her ears perked up at that, as did mine.  the fear thing came out almost by accident.  so, if that's an area we're going to be exploring, everything you've shared is going to be helpful for me.  you've had such wonderful ideas.  thanks again.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Love and hugs back to you, San!

[Sceal]

Just want to drop by and give you a  , if that is okay?

[Not Alone]

Thanks, Sceal.