Christmas without FOO

[Dark.art.girl]

I'm super active today, and it might partially be because I'm on my ADD/ADHD meds. Or maybe also because I have a lot to share and talk about lol
I still refer to my father as my father because unfortunately because he raised me, and I have something similar to Stockholm Syndrome with him. Yes, he was very verbally/emotionally abusive. Yes, he scared the poop out of me as a little girl. Yes, he says horrible things and does horrible things. But my most significant problem is that I feel an immense amount of sadness for him. He had a horrible childhood, and I understand why he is the way he is or why he does the things he does. The worst part is that I love him so much, because there's a part of him that's so lovable. In my childhood, of course there were good times. All I want to do is remember the good times. But it's not easy.

And the only time he is lovable is when I do whatever he wants me to do. I can't live like that. I put my foot down with him, because as an adult there has to be mutual respect in our relationship. But that can't happen. Like his other children, he's finally thrown me away too. And I know he'll come back, because he always does. My mother told me that he just needs to cool off, and of course none of his behavior is condonable. But we both know how he is. My concern is whether I would ever decide to let him back in.

He abandoned me (again) because of a hair appointment. All of his external stress always finds it's way right back to me, and because I didn't do one tiny thing, he didn't want to see me or hear from me again. All drama. I'm used to it.
I remember as a child feeling as though if I did the littlest thing, I would let him down and set him off again. Always walking on eggshells. That cycle is still present, just farther apart in time.
He's old now. He is no 80 years old, and so he's a bit more mellow.
I just feel sad because I know that he's doing all of this to himself, and he can never seen inwards towards himself to see flaws. There's too much hurt and insecurity inside of him that it's just never possible. Every time he gets a therapist, and they notice or point out his narcissism in the slightest of ways, he stops going. I can't make excuses for him anymore because he's had years and loads of money to get help, but instead I fear that he's going to die alone.
No one wanted this for him, but he's done this to himself.

I never cared about the money. I've never cared about the trust-fund that he threatened (and then went through with) taking me out of; I just wanted a father. I just wanted a supportive, loving and accepting father. And this takes a huge toll on me during the holidays.

This Christmas, it's just going to be my fiancé's mother, brother, himself and I. In an apartment we just moved into, during another quarantine. My mother can't fly out to California because of covid and her MS. And of course, my father isn't talking to me. I'm the enemy once again. He says he has a "new family". I said, "Like who? The two cousins you told not to talk to me?" Like? He's pushed away the rest of his family. Good luck, dad. Merry Christmas.

P.S. I wanted to clarify also, that the father who raised me isn't my biological father. Until I was twelve, I was unaware that my bio dad was actually a sperm donor. And I still accepted him for my real father, even after I found out. I gave him unconditional love, and never got any back.

Sorry this was so long.

[Kizzie]

So sorry about your Dad DarkArt Girl, the holidays just make our wounds hurt more than ever.  I know that feeling of being torn between compassion for my parents who suffered a lot of trauma themselves and what they did/did not do to/for me.  It's especially hard when parents suffer from NPD because they don't tend to figure things out ever or get help.  The thing I've learned abut my M (my F died several years ago) is that she doesn't see she has a problem and is still manipulating people to get what she wants so is content/fulfilled to a degree.  My M doesn't get help either because she doesn't think she's got a problem, but also because it threatens all that she has in place to keep the pain away. She keeps on going in her little N bubble of denial and self-protection.

I doubt your F will ever be what you want, it's in the nature of NPD to push away the pain at all costs.  We suffer as a result but they don't seem to see it or care because they can't or won't, it's what they have to do in order to survive. 

It's so hard to accept I know and I wish it were different for all of us who have parents with NPD.   

My apologies for not posting a response earlier than this - the holidays have been quite hard for me as well.