Out of the Storm

i decided to write this stuff down anew.  new decade, new therapy, new thoughts and feelings.  clean start and all that. 

therapy has stirred the pot in ways i've never experienced before.  the first session, i felt relief, felt like someone was going to take care of me.  that thought has rolled around my head since.  i'm a grown woman, why would i feel so strongly about someone taking care of me? 

just this moment (which is why i need to write this stuff down), i'm seeing that need as coming from my little me.  she's popping up like never before.   it's not like i haven't taken care of me nearly all my life - i was trained well to ignore, deny, and bury myself so completely that there was an entity in my body with a wonderful brain who took care of business all the time - for myself and others.

but after my second session, i left feeling uneasy, like i'd done therapy wrong.  i know, logically, that can't be possible, but it was something she said that triggered that feeling.  that session was last thurs.  i've been nuttering on it since.  i didn't understand the feeling at first - it took till the next day to pinpoint (ooooh, here comes a little anger.  at her?  cuz she doesn't know everything?  possible)

by fri., i was seeing myself as very needy, seeing her as a savior.  sun. morning, the idea of being taken care of was so strong, and i knew it was my little me in full force.  very new feeling.  she's only 5 or 6.  memories began surfacing, things i'd already remembered in the past, but now i saw myself and how i was reacting to the experience at that time.  very new as well.

the trigger was when i was in the office and she asked me what healing looked like to me.  i immediately, without thought, pulled my shawl very tightly around me and began crying, saying i didn't know, that for all i've done to heal, i've gotten worse instead of better, and began talking about some of the narc abuse i experienced from my ex and older d.  it just spilled out.

she listened, then noted to me what had happened, what i'd done.  that's when she told me that i knew enough, had enough info, and i needed to just heal.  to me, that meant going into a sort of induced isolation from everyone else's stories and from the madness in the news.  i needed to put the focus solely on me for right now.  it was like she gave me permission to be completely self-concerned, a foreign concept.

she also said (what i heard) that from now on the logical part of my brain was to be telling the back part of my brain (emotional/visceral) what to do.  when she said that, i was triggered.  i didn't say anything cuz i didn't really know what was going on with me.  as noted, it took 3 days to figure it out.

the concept of amygdala hijacking came to mind during that time.  i'm not sure she's aware of it.  i looked it up yesterday to refresh my memory, make sure i had it right (i was doubting myself).  i'll have to talk to her about it because what i read is that when a message comes thru to the brain that feels dangerous (from past experience) our survival mechanism kicks in and the logical part of our brain is bypassed, which is why we have an unruly emotional response to something that wouldn't otherwise be seen as dangerous/life-threatening.

what popped for me was the idea that i had done something wrong, incorrectly by talking about having an ef, reacting to something in a way that was out of my control.  a. h. at its best/worst.  when she said that the front of our brain tells the back part of our brains what to do, it was as if she was telling me i did it wrong by not controlling my response.

going back to my childhood, doing something wrong, especially displeasing my father, was the worst feeling in the world for me.  his displeasure, his disappointment stirred up a fear that he would no longer love me and that i would be sent away from the person i most wanted to be near.  a real threat of that came in my teens, but for some reason, even as a child, i believed that would happen.  it was the worst feeling, the scariest feeling.

well, looking at it now, of course it would be.  that would be an abandonment feeling, and abandonment meant i would die.  so, to perceive that i was told i was doing this wrong by having such a visceral rather than logical reaction sent me sailing back to the body and mind of that little girl who was so afraid that if she did something wrong, she would be left out in the cold like the little match girl (no wonder that story hit me so profoundly!  i saw myself as her, dying in the cold).

this throwback to my childhood in this way has never come up before.  i can see and feel that little girl, and i was her in that office last week, pulling my shawl around me (omg, this is just pouring out of me right this minute), telling my t how cold i was, feeling my body shivering beneath my skin.  i'd never felt cold like that before.  it was totally different from any cold i'd ever experienced.  whoo, boy, these pieces are real and falling into place like never before.

big, deep breath.  i want to write this down because i want to be able to explain this to her.  massive breakthrough, very disturbing, the depth of this.   this helped clarify for me what i'm dealing with.  i'm feeling very somber.  no celebration here, no distress, per se.  profound. 

Yes of course our thinking brains "tell" us what to do - but dear Ms Therapist, that's the point of the term amygdala "hijack", innit. The amygdala throws the body into an EF before the neo cortex can say, "whoa wait, what's happening?" and "tell" us what to do.

Once the amygdala has flooded the body with adrenaline, just thinking correctly won't immediately get us out of an EF. It's just the start of reversing one.

You didn't do anything wrong, San my friend. I can also see how for you, hearing this as a criticism (whether it was or not, you heard it that way) from a fellow professional would be further triggering. Big hugs to you. New territory to cover.

tears of gratitude for you and your response, 3roses.  can't stop crying.  your validation, reinforcement, and reassurance were perfect - you can tell by my tears.  they came from the depths of my being, lasted almost 5 min.  profound is the only word that is fitting.  o my heart - i can't thank you enough.   they just started again.  tears of release.

these are finally tears of healing.  very different from all the crying i've been doing lately.  these were tears with a purpose.  even these are part of the new territory.   you got thru to me on a whole 'nother level.  i didn't expect it, but will gladly accept it.  is that hope shining?  just off the corner of my eye.  never felt hope before, either.  thank you, god, for such a wonderful, insightful friend.

just putting a toe in here.  therapy by phone on tues.  i want to read my other journal entry to her, let her know my process through this.  it's so very different from what i expected. 

thinking about this next session, 2 thoughts came to mind.  first, it will be so different on the phone rather that face to face.  i will not like it nearly as much.  i thrive on personal contact, body language, eye contact, a person's essence that fills a room, the vibes between the two of us.   it will be a new experience, but i'm sure i won't 'enjoy' it as much as being in the same room.

second, i realized that part of what i wrote before showed my transference toward her.  where i wrote about feeling a bit angry, expecting her to know everything, then felt my little me in full force - that was a new experience for me.  i'd never felt that before in a therapeutic relationship where i was the client.  i'm glad i felt it this time.  a learning experience as well as therapeutic. 

it was good to feel my little me right out there, shining brightly, having emotions.   i don't know exactly what had been done or said to bury those, to curb my curiosity, to stop me from asking 'why?' when told/expected to do something, but it had to be so intensely intimidating and threatening to me in order for those parts of me to be shut down almost completely for so much of my life. 

once i found my voice, tho, the questions have been numerous and at the ready.  more than one man has been intimidated by them, has shied away from them, or has looked at them as a way for me to find their 'weakness' in order to either take advantage or manipulate them.  they never understood that i was simply trying to find who they were as people.

my narc ex certainly put the kibosh on my asking questions that threatened him.  when i got too 'close' to something, the black rage would cross his eyes, and i would immediately back down.  i've dealt with someone's red rage in the past, but the black rage was deadly intimidating.    so, i never knew the man in 20 yrs. of marriage.

it just seems strange to me, i guess, learning all this stuff about narc abuse, sex addiction, and misogyny not only from here, but other resources as well that i finally came to know him.   now, i don't know how i stayed in that relationship for so long except that things would have been very different, and not necessarily in a good way. 

i'd have had to deal with my narc daughter and her sister on my own,  which i was not equipped, emotionally, to do, and after i finally left my job, i was able to receive part of his pension because i'd put in 20 yrs. worth of 'work' as his wife, which saved me financially until i was old enough to get retirement benefits.  strange how these things can balance out. 

don't know why, exactly, i went off on this tangent, but i guess it needed to come out.   

anyway, i'm not exactly looking forward to my next session, but i am interested to see what will happen when she hears what i wrote about that 5-day process of experience after the last session.  i do know that i will be speaking from my adult self, even as i talk to her about my inner child.   i feel strong about that.  that i'm coming now from a place of strength. 

as i said, that process profoundly shifted something within, and it's been staying with me.   

It is so good to see a shift happening San. I love that you get to say that you are coming from a place of new strength.  :hug:

I do hope that your therapy session goes well, odd on the phone, but hopefully it will still give some great insight.

Thank you for dipping your toe in here, always good to know how you are doing  :hug:

Loving warm hugs

just finished my phone session.  i read my journal entry to her, she thanked me, said that she had gone ahead of where i was by saying that the front of the brain rules the back.  said that therapy will eventually strengthen the thinking portion of the brain so that it'll be harder to be highjacked, and that's what she was referring to but that it was too far forward for me at that moment.

we talked a bit about my crying, the difference i'd felt with the tears that seemed to have a purpose to me in response to what 3roses had written, as compared to this crying that i do so often at the drop of a hat.  she talked about how as babies and toddlers, crying is our means of expressing when we need something, and that ideally, a parent would nurture us, allow the tears, and make it a safe place to be vulnerable.  well, that didn't happen to me.

whatever those tears meant when i was so young, i believe they were somehow denied.  i can remember my dad saying 'stop that crying or i'll give you something to cry about'.  which meant to me that whatever i was crying about wasn't important, wasn't supposed to be important to me, so i stopped, shoved it inside.  burying emotions, wants, needs was something i've been doing most all my life.  he also told me that 'crying doesn't get you anyplace'.

i talked about how i carried this terrible sadness in my eyes, how strangers would say something to me about how sad i looked - usually at bars.  i created a personality for myself starting at about 13 so that i wouldn't be lonely anymore, wouldn't feel that horrible, devastating feeling, which was very outgoing, smiling, laughing, joking, personable in order to make sure people would like me and want to be around me.  i gave out a lot of compliments.

but, when a time would come where i wasn't being this animated 'self', the sadness must have been so noticeable that people would feel compelled to comment on it.  my t said something about a normal response to someone looking sad was 'what's wrong? you look so sad', and i told her that no, people didn't ask me why.

then she asked what kind of feeling i got from the people who mentioned how sad i looked, and i told her i had no feeling from them, and i didn't feel really anything when they said it.  i think she found this all a bit unusual.  people who knew me never mentioned this, maybe cuz i was always animated around them.  it's been only strangers who have noticed and said something.

thru all the therapists and counselors i've been thru, no one has ever mentioned the idea of me being traumatized.  if any of the latest ones had that idea, it was because i've told them.   my t mentioned an article she read about how, when we're very young, our worldview always includes our very being, so when something seemingly small happens, it can be devastating.

that's why getting a smaller scoop of ice cream, or having a toy taken away (sharing) can be devastating to a young child.  often among trauma therapists, they will talk about big t traumas and small t traumas, meaning one can be looked on and treated as more important than the other.

i've never agreed with this, because i've always felt that to some kids, something that looks small to an adult can be devastatingly traumatic to them because of who they are and what that incident means to them.  this article affirmed what i've believed all along.    that's why comparing traumas is ultimately  fruitless.  mine may look less than others, but that doesn't mean it was any less traumatizing. 

all in all, i cried thru most of the session, as usual.  not healing tears, but probably the tears of a very young child who is confused and in distress, but gets no comfort.  first time that thought came to consciousness.  it feels like it fits pretty well.  there may be more to that, but that's for further discovery.  so, i'm wiped out now, will rest the remainder of the day. 

thanks, el, for the loving hugs.  always appreciated.

Quotei've never agreed with this, because i've always felt that to some kids, something that looks small to an adult can be devastatingly traumatic to them because of who they are and what that incident means to them.  this article affirmed what i've believed all along.    that's why comparing traumas is ultimately  fruitless.  mine may look less than others, but that doesn't mean it was any less traumatizing. 

Mhm, I agree with what you say here. Humans are such complicated creatures, we're all so different, in how we see things, behave, how we cope with things. With CPTSD, it's all caused by different factors, each person has different symptoms, each person resolves these symptoms differently. And with trauma I think that... what trauma is is not necessarily the event itself, but how we've responded to the event. As an example maybe, someone who was brought up in a cabin in the woods might not mind so much when they find themselves lost in a forest. But someone raised in the city may feel traumatised by simply being lost in a forest, with no knowledge of how to survive, no idea where to go, no clues, no way of getting help.

I think though, no matter what tears you have to express, they're all good. Crying is good... ^^ I want to curiously ask, it seems our FOO is similar in that we were both told crying is bad, and that we shouldn't cry. Did this ever make it difficult for you to cry later on, even when you weren't with your FOO anymore? Because, I'm at that point I think... where I find it nearly impossible to cry... and I wish I could cry, but it's so difficult. I want to sob and weep and let everything out but there's this kind of block that stops me. Have you ever felt that before? And if so, can you remember how you got past it? Sorry if this is a little thread-hi-jacky... you can ignore my questions if you want. :P

Hope you're doing okay though, San. :)

no problem, a.a.  i welcome questions.

besides the messages from my dad 'stop crying or i'll give you something to cry about' and 'crying doesn't do any good', there were also a number of other factors that contributed to a lack of emotional release during my life - any emotion.  my feelings were denied, suppressed, and subsequently buried so deep that for most of my life, i was unaware of my feelings. 

it's called alexithymia, and it basically means an inability to verbalize feelings.  faulty brain wiring causes it, which was caused by being emotionally ignored/denied.  any expression of feelings, except that happy smiling face, was demeaned rather than nurtured, and i was left adrift in a sea of confusion, not knowing what that feeling in my stomach or chest meant.

therefore, crying ceased for me because i became busy figuring out how to take care of myself.  i never cried, for example, over being dumped or romantic heartbreak.  i just absorbed it, as i did everything else, and moved on.  i wasn't aware of either my or others' feelings.   i even skipped my mother's funeral cuz i was afraid i would break down in front of people, and i just couldn't let that happen.   i went out with my sister and got drunk instead.  numbed it all out.

i didn't begin crying again until i started therapy, mid-thirties.  i think everything had bottled up, so much for so long, that it just began leaking out.  then exploding at certain times, like  a tension release.   i didn't especially have that longing to cry like you expressed, tho.  the tears just began coming, out of my control. 

i cry all the time now, often can't finish a sentence for the tears if i'm talking about anything emotional.  the emotional part isn't even necessarily directly connected to me.  or, at least, not that i consciously know of.  i was trying to tell my t yesterday about a movie i'd seen as a child, 'miracle of marcelino', that moved me profoundly, brought on the waterworks full force at the time.  i couldn't finish telling her about it cuz i was crying too hard.

so, i talk about tears without a purpose because i feel no relief from them.  they don't feel beneficial, but rather they obstruct me from being able to explain, enjoy, or discuss something.  they get in the way.  healing tears, like i experienced above are a different story.  they're cleansing and give me relief.  these other tears, well, i don't know what good they serve, except to underline my extreme sadness, maybe grief, about me, what's happened to me, what's happened to others, the state of the world, what i've missed in my life  . . . .    and on and on. 

i don't know if that was helpful at all.  just my own personal experience.    but thanks for asking, a.a.

so, my next hurdle is a week from tomorrow.  surgery on my head.  i have no idea what to expect, if it will all get done in one day or not, if i'll have to come back, how much pain i'll be in, what the stress of it is going to do to my system.  too much to contemplate at any great length, but i know i will become more and more distressed as the time draws closer.   

i had an in-depth email from a friend who underwent colon cancer surgery last year, and as she said, this is not how i envisioned this period of my life to be.  she reiterated that it's a full-time job just to take care of herself.  i echo that sentiment.   no one knows what this is like unless they've gone through it. 

having to make your own decisions about what medical procedure to do next, which meds to take or leave off, watching what we eat and how that might affect our systems, what's the least stressful way to do things and in what order, and, do to decisions or circumstances, running to the john 4 or 5 times a day for days on end because the stress upset everything inside. 

the last time i saw the doc, the nurse asked me how i felt.  i said 'worn out'.  she said, 'fatigued?'  i said, 'no, worn out.  it's so wearing to be feeling sick all the time.  i haven't felt 'well' since i was in my 30's'.  she didn't say anything then.   i don't think she could comprehend.

so, trudging from day to day.  staying alive for my hub and daughter.  they get strength from my strength, and vice versa.   
personally, i'm at the point of not particularly caring one way or the other for myself.  so much pain, both physical and emotional.  i don't know how i keep going, except with a lot of help from everyone here and divine intervention of some kind.  i have good angels. 

i just am dreading this surgery, and it's getting to me.

I read you talked about big trauma and little trauma. And maybe I've misunderstood it, but I thought it was in a way individual. That if a person has gone through several traumas then some of them might have had a little less impact than others, and that those are then big and little traumas? But maybe I've just misunderstood the concept.

Being fearful before a surgery is only natural, especially as you leave your body in the hands of someone else, without fully understanding what consequences might end up on the other side. I will send you what strength I have, and all the support and love that I got to you. You've been strong for so long, it is no wonder you feel worn out. No wonder at all.

Big hug from (potentially) far away.

hey, sceal,

the general concept of big and little traumas, as i understand it, is generic.  a big trauma is like a car accident, an explosion, violence - something that would be traumatic for anyone, child or adult.  a little trauma would be more like missing the school bus, having to give a speech when anxious, fear of flying - more specific to the person involved, and an experience on a much smaller scale.

the reason this was brought to my attention, again, was reading a post from a trauma therapist (another forum) who said she was seeing an adolescent with no history of family abuse, only no emotional support from parents or other adults.  it rang a bell for me that being emotionally unsupported all her life by her parents was viewed as no abuse.  she said in her post that there was no evidence of big traumas in this girl's family.

well, as a victim of no emotional support from adults in my own life, i just shook my head once again at how abuse is viewed.  the lack of emotional support was seen as not a very big deal by this therapist, and the ones who responded.  i just didn't have the energy to enlighten this group one more time.   

i hope that helps.  it's a perspective that i've never agreed with.   having no emotional support from my parents led to me developing alexithymia and having no access to my emotions most of my life.  it may not be an actively violent type of abuse, but, for me, anyway, it was certainly a big  T trauma.

actually, along those lines, i've had several surgeries in my life, and never once have i been afraid.  my attitude has always been that if i'm gonna die, this, to me, would be a great way to go.  they put you out, and you just don't wake up.  no pain.  i haven't felt fear, consciously, until the past year or so.  what i'm mostly all a-twitter about is the pain.  i've been in so much pain for so long, adding more to the bunch is unnerving. 

both the shot and the numbing agent are extremely painful - i know that from the biopsy adventure.  hurts really bad.  i'm not looking forward to that at all, and the unknowns about how far the cancer has spread, how deep it may have gone through my scalp toward my skull, if the area is so big now that he's going to have me come back to finish the job - those are playing with my head, too. 

since i always trusted everyone, i always trusted that the docs operating on me would take care of me, and i'd either come out of it to deal with the aftermath, or i wouldn't, and then i wouldn't care.   i don't have much fear of anything, least of all being dead.  it's the getting there that worries me.  i'm so sick of suffering. 

thanks for your love and support, sceal.   i'll be taking them with me when i go - my circle of protection from here always goes with me now on distressing adventures.  i'm grateful.  big hug full of warmth and love back to you.

did my grocery shopping for the coming week.  soups and sandwich stuff mostly.  i'm looking forward to what i might feel like after the surgery, which is next thurs.   the thought occurred to me this morning that if it would've taken place when it was originally scheduled (yesterday) it would be all over by right now.  grrrr!  little anger came up that i have to wait for this extra week.

so, now all i have to do is wait.  did my house chores yesterday, so that's taken care of.  will do laundry before next thurs. so i won't have to worry about that.  putting my ducks in a row, so to speak.  got some fruit and nut bars to take with me the day of the surgery cuz i don't know how long i'll be there - it might take all day.  didn't want anything too heavy.

planning for this feels almost like planning for a trip.  what do i need and why.   it's almost all-consuming right now.  will talk w/ my t by phone the day before.  i'm hoping that will settle me down a bit.  i am not looking forward to the pain.  that's my biggest anxiety-producer.  i will be in tears from it.

i've noticed that i'm feeling more pain in my body in the past few weeks.  it hurts to sneeze now, let alone anything else.  i'm guessing it's from all the tension around this surgery.  i'm also guessing that i have more anger inside that isn't coming out.  maybe i can put some of it here.

i'm so mad that this wasn't diagnosed properly all those years ago, which has caused it to spread.  incompetence in the medical profession there has caused me harm.  what started out as about a 1/2" 'mole' has now become an area of more than 2 1/2", and who knows how deep.  batards. 

because they failed to diagnose correctly, or even send me to a skin specialist (altho when i sought one out on my own, she still told me the wrong thing - psoriasis), the cancer took another form as well.  plus, another 'mole' has begun.  so i ended up with patches of flaky skin that not only weren't there in the beginning but also spread around the 'mole'.  that's what was determined to be 'psoriasis'.

oooooh, i am so p o'd that this was allowed to happen.  10 yrs. of asking about it, to i don't know how many doctors.  and i have to pay the price.  i absolutely hate it, hate them, hate the whole experience, hate that i have to go thru this now.  luckily, my landlady will drive me there, and my d will drop in during the day to stay with me as best she can as long as she can.  my ll will bring me home cuz she's a pro. caregiver and wants to hear what kind of aftercare i need.

i thank god for her willingness to do this.   my d still isn't at full capacity, but still wants to be there as much as possible.  still, she can't take care of me afterwards, either.  staying at her place wouldn't be the best idea for me.   

grrrrrr!!! to all of this.  i hate hate hate it all.  not fair at all.  absolutely sucks in the worst way.  this has turned my world upside down.  dang, the more i let this anger out, the bigger it seems.  curse words all over the place.    * * * * * * * * * *   take your pick - they're all there.   f, d, c, s, m,  - all the bombs i can possibly think to drop.  namecalling of the worst kind.  just did some pounding.  felt good. 

i hate the waiting game, but very glad i decided to write.  it was more than i expected.

standing with you, San  :hug:

I suppose medically that makes sense of big t and little t. But that doesn't mean it wont feel invalidating to people having been through stuff, especially since we all have different levels of how we cope and our sensitivity. 

It's awful that they misdiagnosed you, or didn't look further than they should have. I don't have much words that could help you in this situation. But I am thinking of you.  Big hug!

I am always thinking of you, San. What day is your surgery? I would love to light a candle for you as someone did for my dad yesterday. I am beyond grateful to have you, and am hopeful you can feel the support and love I am sending your way. I wish I had more words, but it seems I am still recovering from yesterday. Know your Mother Earth spirit shines through in all of these preparations, and trials.

Much love and warmth  :hug:

3roses, i know you are, i have come to count on it, but it's always so good to hear it.  thank you.

sceal, what you said was just right.  your validation of how awful it is plunked a heart string in me.  thank you.

el, my surgery is thurs., the 26th.  i don't know that i've ever had a candle lit for me before.  it will warm me thinking about it that morning.  thank you.

you darling people, all of you.  in my darkest hours, you shine a light for me to keep taking those steps.  i'm so grateful.

I will be glad to bring a warm thought to your mind that morning. My friend from Germany started one for my dad when he got in his wreck, and has lit one for each of his surgeries. I find myself comforted by it, and would like to do the same for you. I am ever grateful to have you as my friend

ditto, el.  it will warm me to think of that candle.  thank you, sweetie.

my body is letting me down now.  the last few days the muscles have been so tight that it hurts to just walk.  my legs haven't bothered me, just my body.  the pain is becoming overwhelming.

this morning i was going to walk - one thing i like to do that brings a sense of normalcy for me, and lets me know i'm doing something good for myself, as opposed to just sitting in this chair all day.  when i got up, a shooting pain went thru the top of my left foot.  it repeated itself several times, sharp enough that i said 'ouch' out loud.

i decided i wanted to ignore it, walk it off, as it were.  as i was stepping down the step at the front door, the pain shot through again.  there's a stairway to the ground level, it's wet in the mornings so i'm extra careful anyway cuz it's also rather steep, and the thought of 20 steps stopped me in my tracks.  i couldn't take the chance. 

back in i went, rather despondent.  my body's letting me down on too many levels, all of them painful.  i'm so tired of this bullpucky.  i don't know what to do anymore.  will this ever be over?  i don't think so.  i truly don't think i will ever be well again.  what a downer.  i can only maintain now, and that bums me out.  i can't see it any other way, and that's never happened before. 

a dark shadow has covered my landscape, and i can only say this here and to my t.  i will not let my d and hub hear this from me.  i will not distress them like that.  they are worried enough about me.  my d's roomie, the little sweetie, took off work for thurs. to make sure she would be able to use his car so she could be with me for the day of surgery.  she's still not fully healed, either, from her own surgery, so she doesn't know how long she'll be able to stay, but she's gonna be there at least for part of my day. 

such kindness from both of them, each in their own way.  i appreciate his offer - i just don't want him to jeopardize his job for me.  hopefully, this won't.  i burst into tears while writing her to thank him for me.  such acts of kindness are still quite foreign to me.  so used to pushing through on my own, 'kindness' is hard for me to take.

a candle burning for me, standing with me on that day, even heartfelt well wishes.  it seems overwhelming.  i love it.

I will light a candle too, San, and send healing thoughts and prayers your way.  Even in your pain and trials I've seen you show beautiful kindness to others, including me, and the power of your strong heart will come back to you through the others you have supported.  Blessings, health, and love through all of this.   :hug:

your offer of another candle moved me to tears, rb.  i can't thank you enough.  that is so sweet and kind.  i will now have 2 candles warming me and helping to lift this shadow that is threatening to engulf me.   :hug: back atcha.

i don't want to give up or give in.  when tom petty died, i sent out my own memorial to some friends that included his song 'won't back down'.  it says 'i will stand my ground, and i won't back down.'  truly inspirational to me.  i haven't backed down yet, and i don't intend to.  still, i'm scared of being so overwhelmed with all this med. b.s. that it will crush me against my will.

i'm still standing.  as in the past, the people here are propping me up.  my gratitude is endless.  i don't know where i'd be without you. 

I will light a candle too.

If at all possible, try to just take moment by moment before the surgery and after. It's hard, but that way it's easier to not give up.
We are all here rooting for you. And here to be with you through this.

I believe in you.

awww, sceal, how very sweet.  3 candles, the darkness isn't quite as black.  thank you so much.  unbelievable!

i was probing the area on my scalp that the doc pretty much cleared when he took the biopsies, and felt the creeping crud growing and showing more once again.  it sent me into a pretty bad funk this morning.   if it's growing this quickly in a month, i can't imagine what it's done in 10 yrs.  not good food for thought.

i'm afraid i'm just a bummer here these past weeks.   i am not feeling well mentally or emotionally.  my body is in more pain than ever.  i feel nearly paralyzed by stress.  this is the one place i feel ok to just let this out, get it outside of me, see it on the screen. 

ok, that brought on a bought of anger, and my bed paid the price.  it felt good, tho, pounding it out.  i have a bit more energy right this minute.  i am so p.o'd about this!!!  dang, i hate that this is happening to me.  good - righteous anger to the fore.  blast those incompetents who let this grow for so long.  i hate them all!!!

Just let it out.
Beat the bed, or use your words. Or both.

No wonder you are angry, perhaps even beyond angry! You have every right to be. For this, and for so many other things too.
:bighug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 23, 2017, 05:49:06 PM
i'm afraid i'm just a bummer here these past weeks.   

FWIW, that's not my impression at all on here! You're replying to others' posts including mine, sending hugs of warmth and whatever particular brand of healing you sense the person needs.

Agree with Sceal, you have plenty of reason to be angry! Let it out as you can and come here for  :grouphug:  :bighug:

I'll be imagining a candle for you on Thursday, not able to actually light one that day.

blueberry, thank you so much.  even an imaginary candle counts in my book.  it will be lighting my way along with the rest of them, and giving me warmth as well.  and thank you both for reaffirming for me that it's ok for me to be pissy about this.  i'm so not used to that being ok.  people usually get really upset when i get mad, and somehow i end up being hurt because of it.  a pattern in my life.

i appreciate you all so much, i can't even begin to tell you.  big hug to you.

ok, the big day is tomorrow.  physically and emotionally, i feel horrible.  the stress of this has been overwhelming.  too many unknowns, too many emotions around it.  anger, yes, fear, hatred, confusion, sadness, gratitude for all the support both here and in real life - i don't know if there are others, but i wouldn't doubt it.  it took a lot of concentration just to pinpoint those.

my chest is tight, swirling fog inside, but heavy.  very heavy.  i have phone therapy with my t in half an hour.  my face is flushed - i've got stress flu right now.  miserable feeling.  after today i don't know when i'll be back here, but i do know you're all coming with me tomorrow.  my circle of protection. 

it's minute by minute today, and tomorrow i'm at the whim of the doc's process.  slice, scope, determine if there are still cancer cells, and if so, repeat the process.  have no idea how long it will take - i just go sit in the waiting room between determinations.  not even sure if it will all be taken care of tomorrow.  it's a pretty large area now, and still spreading.

grant me the serenity, etc.  breathe, thank you wife2.  tom petty, i won't back down.  dylan, you warm my soul.  and all the rest of you, you're my family, you give me strength to keep going thru all this b.s. that keeps clobbering me in the back of the head when i'm not ready for it.    if it weren't for the hugs, fireworks, love, caring, concern, encouragement and these wonderful candles, there'd be no way i'd have made it this far with my mind intact.  thank you all.  much love.

I don't have many words this morning, but I do want to make sure I remind you that I am always with you. That I will be there in spirit tommorow as you go forward.

The large mix of emotions, makes complete sense San. I hope you can let youraeld feel them, but also to try to rest today. You deserve to find some peace in that ability to breathe, as wife2 would remind you to do.

I am sending you all the warmth and comfort in a hug that I can. I will light my candle for you early tomorrow morning, so hopefully you can continue to feel its warmth all day.

Much love to you for tomorrow, Sanmagic - I want to give you a big  :hug: and send you lots of whatever you need to get through the day - you know we are all alongside you  :grouphug:

Hope  :)

I am thinking of you, especially, today!

Warm thoughts, strength and love your way :hug:

Sending lots of hugs your way today  :hug: Also lighting your candle

it's 5:30.  we're leaving at 6:45.  i'm calmer today.  i took time this morning to visualize all of you and my hub, the candles, and i could feel you all inside me, with me.  this will turn out all right.  thank you again.  i'll let you know how it went when i'm able.  love you all.

Lighting my candle now  :bighug:

Dear San,
I am thinking about you and I wish you all the strength you need to get through this  :hug:

you were all wonderful.  he got it in one swell foop.  the needles were horrible, and the pain right now is quite bad.  i've got vicodin but it's not touching it much.  i'll see what happens by tomorrow - it may need to get into my system before it works at full force. 

one fun thing is that i got a bunch of people to autograph my bandaging (i look like the walking wounded from a war).  dang, if i'm gonna have to wear this for 48 hrs., i'm gonna rock it, by gum!!!

thank you one and all.  my head is now cancer-free.  survival of the 70's.  be back soon when the pain subsides.  can't think real well right now.  love you all.

So glad you are okay, and that he got it in one try. Get some much needed rest dear friend.  :hug:

Hi Sanmagic,

I guess this is a little after the fact, but I found your posting and I wanted to send you my good wishes as well.  You're an amazing person for always responding with encouragement for others, even when you've been going through so much.

I hope you get the best care possible, and that your angels are watching over you and always close to you.  Glad you're doing alright!

Elise

better today, the meds kicked in, i'm a little loopy.  thank you all again, and elise, it's never too late in my book.  you were all swell, all with me.  this is the best bunch of people i've never met!!!  love and hugs all around.

Hi there, Sans. I saw you tended to post on my threads and I wanted to repay you.

Well, I'm not sure what to say. Luckily, emoticons here are pretty expressive themselves.

:grouphug:

:cheer:

:yourock:

Hi SanMagic,
So happy to hear that your surgeon was successful in getting it all - that is brilliant.  I felt tearful when I knew you were going to have the surgery, but now there are tears of relief knowing you are fine.   :cheer:
Hope  :)

you made me smile, dec. rocket.  that's as healing as anything.  thanks.

yes, relief, hope.  thank you for your support.  you were there with me, holding me up. 

i'm so appreciative to all of you. 

loopy on these pain meds, but at least there's no real pain now, for which i'm immensely glad.  will be taking the pressure bandage off tomorrow.  i'm told it will be at least a month for this to heal.  i opted out of having it stitched up.  i didn't want to spend another minute in there.

mon. i'll start scheduling rides for therapy.  i don't know how it's going yet.  i talked with her for a phone session the day before the surgery, said i wanted her to calm me down.  she began suggesting things for me to do.  for me to do.  i wasn't asking for suggestions. 

as a therapist, if a client had asked me for that kind of help, i'd have done some kind of guided imagery to release stress that was being held, something like that.  that's really what i was looking for.  there have been several things like that where i feel like she's 'missed' me or my meaning.  i'll give it a few more sessions, but i just don't know.  i've already confronted her on something, and kind of feel like i'm floundering, like the therapy is directionless, which is a bit unnerving.  we'll see.

beside that, i'm just taking it slow, being careful when i have to walk, and just being uncomfortable.  i've got a scarf wrapped around my head to help hold the bandage in place, but it's not doing a very good job.  can't wait to get it off.  so, that's life for now.   love to all.

How are you feeling today?  Thinking of you!

I hope you can sort it out with your therapist. I think it's quite impressive that you confronted her once, I would never dare. Would it be hard for you to find another one?

hey, sceal, i'm doing better.  just going thru the healing process.  the wound seems clean, i'm on antibiotics, and i'm a good healer, so i'm feeling pretty positive about that part right now.  it'll just take time.  ahhhh, patience is a virtue.

since i've never seen a trauma therapist before, have never been treated as someone who's been traumatized, i'm not quite sure what to expect.  she says she's looking for 'shifts' in me.  i've always been a more directive therapist, so this seems pretty directionless to me at the moment.  but, maybe this is a different way of doing trauma therapy.  i don't know yet.

yes, it would be pretty difficult for me to get another therapist.  not having transportation, i have to rely on a seniors rideshare thing, and they're awfully booked up - besides which, it has to be someone not only in this area, but also someone who takes medicare.   i'm not looking for someone different yet.

meanwhile, i've got my hub pushing on me a little to help him get across the border, and my d is pulling away a bit because, while it's been her dream to move to this part of the country, things haven't gone the way she envisioned them, including her mother being here and needing her help.  so, a couple of awkward dynamics going on for me.

i'm just getting very tired of not feeling like i fit anywhere, and i've no place left to run.   i'm too old for this crapola.

last night i was in so much pain.  i'm seeing the doc tomorrow.  the way they want me to care for the wound continues to keep it raw and open, and it's just too painful.  my muscles, too, have paid the price for all the anxiety, tension, and stress of anticipating this surgery, then having it pushed back a week, so it was all that  more time to be stressed.

i can't laugh, cough, sneeze, or even just walk now without being in pain.   can no longer stand up straight.   my neck, back, sides are yelling even when i sit still.  as much as i can, i work on being mindful and letting that tension out - it's like what i read 3 roses call being armored up - but it comes back within minutes, it seems. 

i'm so weary and worn down from living like this. 

Oh my dear, I wish I could help you so much. I do hope that the Dr can help tomorrow. You do not deserve to be in so much pain. All that tension does truly add up. I wish you well my dear friend.

Can I make you some tea on the porch? Get a comfortable spot set up for you there, where you wouldn't feel the pain. I could bring my cat Thalia, she loves to curl up next to or on people when they are in need. She is a great companion and loves to purr even when she is not being petted.

Awwww man, that must suck. I hope you can heal soon. If I could, I would go superhero healer on you — and take away all the pain with my conveniently magical hands . . . and I would have the ability to heal whenever I eat meat. Especially. . . Especially bacon.. Okay, where was I?

Sending some hope and some hugs for you.
:grouphug:

thank you my dear el.  i like lemon tea, nothing with caffeine, please.  i'll be there again tonight.  relaxing, releasing the tension.  my poor body is wracked up.   

d.r., love those magical healing hands.  wouldn't that be great?  thanks for that thought.

the doc went well.  told him i couldn't keep doing what he wanted me to do with the wound, that it was too painful to me.  he looked at it, seemed surprised, said it looked good, clean, that i was doing a good job of taking care of it.  it made me wonder about what he might've seen otherwise with other people in the same situation.

i do have to see him next week again.  i think he's still a little skittish as to how this is going to heal, especially since i didn't get stitches.  it's just a small moon crater on the side of my head.  i've had enough scrapes and cuts and surgical wounds in my life to know how to take care of them.  plus, i took care of those of my children. 

anyway, i feel less tense, at least a little bit.  i'll have to continue to work on that.  this is a part of my entire healing process, tho - getting this physical stuff taken care of.  it's hard to do emotional healing when feeling crappy physically.  still, moving forward. 

I will make you that cup of tea, no caffeine I promise. I will be there tonight if you need me :hug:

San, I'm adding my best wishes for healing rather late. Sorry about that. I wish you a speedy recovery from pain and tension and that your T starts to help you the way you want, or that you at least start to feel more comfortable with her.  :hug: :grouphug:                :zzz: if you need it.

el, you little sweetie.  the tea was great, thank you very much. 

blueberry, thanks for the care and concern.  so very appreciated.  no need to apologize, either.  the wishes are still valid and valued.

i've been rather impatient with myself and this healing bit, i'm afraid.  it dawned on me this morning that it's only been a week since the surgery, and my expectations for myself have been rather rushed.   push, push, push - again, battling to get things going the way i want them to, in my timeline of expectations.

well, i have a small moon crater in the side of my head, and really, what do i expect?  that it's going to be all fine in a week?  dang, san, get hold of yourself, woman!  i've been pushing at myself to be ok with walking again, anxious cuz i'm not, like i'm shirking something important, just being lazy, whatever. 

the reality is that being on these pain meds makes me move more slowly, a bit unsteadily.  that's not a good combo for me to be walking outside with.  deep breath - i can wait till i'm done with the painkillers and feeling stronger.  yeah, it's a good thing for me to walk but to walk when i'm able, steady, ready.  expectations - those are old messages.

it felt good to realize this, sigh of relief.   what's the freakin' rush?  that's not where my energy belongs, and it only brings on more tension.  one of the important things for me is to relax, relax these back muscles that are wound so tightly because of this.  worrying about when/whether i should be walking will not help.

so, i will be one with my healing instead.  too bad i didn't think of this a week ago, but i guess i had other things on my mind.  i've thought of it now, and now it begins.  i'll be a regular on the porch for a while, rocking, flowers in my hair, smiling at all of you doing your thing.  exhale worry and pressure to perform. 

Just wanted to send you a warming, healing hug tonight.

San, you've told me not to rush things. So I hope you remember not to rush things too.

Take care, San.

sceal, that hug was lovely.  thanks a lot.

d.r., you're absolutely correct.  thanks for the reminder.

the last couple of days, i've taken a new and different tack with all this, more in a healing frame of mind.  i've put 'healing' at the top of my list, a short list, of things to do.  besides basic chores and everyday self-care, i'm thinking healing all the time.

my back and rib muscles have taken an extreme beating from all the tension i held in them in the weeks leading up to the surgery.  i've decided to keep up a dialogue with them about relaxing, releasing the tension, and healing - they are so sore, it hurts to cough/sneeze, or lean back the wrong way.

my little healing mantra also reaches the side of my head, and my mind/brain.  all these different parts of me deserve the time and caring, nurturing words of encouragement to heal, rather than impatience.  geez, how many times have i told others to be patient with themselves?  ok, san, it's time to turn that mirror onto yourself.

so, i'm feeling calmer, and just plain better today.  i did some stretches this morning, which i haven't done for ages.  altho it hurts to do them, i know they're also good for my body on some level.  so, i guess i have to keep learning this lesson over and over until i get it. 

i even thought about walking this morning, but it's pretty windy out, so i'll give that a pass.  i'm putting it into slots of importance, and it just isn't as important as the other things right now.  healing is top priority.  the rest will come when i'm ready.

wow, it seems like such a long time since i've felt like this, have been able to write like this.  it feels so much better, is that another glimmer of hope i see?  small steps, indeed, but all of them do count.  i'll get there (personal pep talk).  be patient and let the healing happen at its own pace.  very important - this helps my own sense of well-being, which will ultimately help the healing process.  it's all connected, isn't it.

a major breakthrough tonite while watching the menendez bros. trial movie.  tears with a purpose.  i know i must be so very angry but i just can't access it right now.  very sad, but i got some of it out.  more tomorrow.  no wonder.

 :hug:

thanks for the hug, 3roses - very comforting and soothing to me.  it warmed me.

i wrote so much last nite - realizations of where a lot of my crying comes from.  watching that movie, discovering what those brothers went thru, i completely related it to so many here who have gone thru similar atrocities.  i wasn't able to imagine it before (maybe on purpose), but seeing its portrayal hit me hard.  there was a reason i watched this - i, who usually stick to tennis and sitcoms.

i finally felt, was able to feel, the horror of what they went thru.  and i started crying for them, for all of you.  altho i didn't have that kind of overt trauma in my life, i realized that all this crying i've been doing also needed to be for me, what i've gone thru, what i've suffered as a result, what i lost.   i feel a connection with the people here that wasn't there before.

and i cried some more, great sobs of pain and heartbreak.  3 or 4 times i did this, but this time the crying had a focus, not like the seemingly purposeless tears that come so readily and so often, the ones i haven't been able to explain.   after i'd cried myself out, i realized these were tears of poison, toxic tears, that have been held in my body for so long.

i took a shower this morning and scrubbed, let it go down the drain.

other realizations came to me, especially how i've been robbed of a sense of self, and why i'm so afraid of being lonely, why i've always tried to have a backup man in my life to take care of me.  it felt like i've been stuck at 4 yrs. old emotionally, wending my way thru this world like a leaf on the wind, trying to make adult decisions from the emotional perspective of a 4-yr. old. 

the last time i remember feeling protected, i believe i was around 3, my dad rocking me to sleep.  i have 1 or 2 memories of that, and then it was no more.  so, i think i've been stuck somehow, a little child's trusting ways taking over my life, wide-eyed with curiosity and optimism, and wonder and love for everything and everyone.  that's really me in an adult body.

i feel like a fraud, because, as i dug further into this, i discovered that i really don't trust anyone.  that's why i'd begin trusting until they let me down, then i'd just take care of myself once more.  i was the only one i could trust to take care of me. that's what i've been looking for all my life, someone to take care of me.  every single person is unreliable in that area, even if not overtly abusive. that includes my hub and daughter.  can't count on them. 

being bereft of feelings and emotions, i rarely acted the way others around me did in response to words or actions.  i tolerated, understood, and was patient instead, all the time floating away from anything troublesome in my mind.  alc. and drugs and cigs helped.

that's why i have no clear sense of an inner critic.  didn't allow it, created reasonable reasons (to my mind) for everything i did or didn't do.  it's been difficult relating to much of what's been written here by others.  i just didn't feel anything like shame or self-hate.  it wasn't there.

i believe now it probably is, but has been so carefully and thoroughly defended that it's pretty much out of my reach, for the most part.  just felt a bit of body shame the other day in relation to someone's post.  that was new and distressing at the same time.  i can still feel it, and i don't like it.

i also got a bit angry last nite at being robbed of my sense of self thru emotional neglect and denial.  didn't get compassion, so didn't show any.  on my own, i took care of myself, and i expected everyone else to do the same.  i couldn't understand letting fear get in the way of anything.

so, my life was one big adventure.  i walked into many dangerous situations cuz i had no safety valve called fear to warn me.    i accomplished some wonderful things cuz i had no fear to hold me back.  i spoke up and rocked the boat cuz i had no fear of the consequences.  my belief was that whatever happened, i'd deal with it.

an emotional 4-yr. old.  that's underlying all these tears.  when i think of a 4-yr. old little girl, i see someone who doesn't have a lot of verbal skills yet for how she's feeling.  that must be where the alexithymia really took hold and stopped me in my emotional tracks.  any emotional outbursts, now that i think back. were when they literally exploded out of me.  they were few and far between, and i usually got hurt because of letting someone know how i really felt.  another reason not to express my true feelings, and bury them even deeper, out of reach.

a pressure cooker, holding everything internally.  no wonder my body is screaming daily.  it's so angry to have had to be the placeholder all my life.  hopefully, getting some of the poison out last nite will help.  focused tears, tears with a purpose are the only ones that can benefit me.  i'm feeling pretty hollow today.

Hi SanMagic,
Your writing touched me - because I relate to what you're saying in it so much - and I'm glad that you cried and felt so many things last night - it sounds like it was a positive experience, and  :hug: to you - I know you're feeling 'hollow' right now, at least a little bit, and I hope that you know that people care about you and relate to you.  I certainly do!
I also relate to what you said about the 'trust' stuff - and trying to take care of yourself throughout your life - caring for that little 4 year old girl - I relate a lot to that.
You take care, SanMagic - wishing you some peace and nice experiences.  I hope that your head wound is healing well.
Hope  :)

Hi San,

even if you felt hollow writing this, I hope that the tears proved to be cathartic and that they bring you a step further in healing.  :grouphug:

Hi San,

I hope you're feeling better these days. Your post reminds me of a book called "The Upside of Your Dark Side," and while I just read excerpts and summaries online, it still provided some insight. It's a book about the benefits of negative emotions.

People who feel sadness are able to reflect more and be more compassionate towards themselves. People who feel anger are able to stand up for themselves more. People who feel fear are able to avoid danger that can hurt them. People who feel guilt are able to change their own actions better. Boredom allows people to find new opportunites and benefits in their life. And so on.

It's really healing — to be able to feel all these things. It's a shame society often limits the expression to these feelings.

But I guess it's never too late — to feel that is.

Take care, San. Take care.

How are you doing today, San?

It must have been overwhelming to have so much emotions all at once, when you're so used to not being able to feel/recognize them. Though I am sure it is a sign of healing that you were able to work through the tears. And I hope that you got some relief afterwards, or that it's starting to be relieving for you.

Howcome do you feel that you are a fraud? What you describe is a fear of trust in others, because others have never truly been there for you in a way that you've needed them to be consistently. I don't see how that makes you a fraud. The fault doesn't lie with you, it's a result of years of mistreatment and abuse and lack of safe environments to grow in.

I want to send you a warm hug, both to the adult you, and to the 4 year old you.  :hug:
Hang in there, you're doing great.

hope, blueberry, d.r., sceal - thank you all for your care and warmth.  i just love all of you, and am so grateful for such wonderful support.

i've been thinking of how to respond, how to explain this feeling that overcame me.  the 4-yr. old that i mentioned did not feel like an inner child thing - i have felt that, and it didn't feel at all the same.  instead, it's those 4-yr. old qualities, the naivete, the wonder, the enthusiasm - that kind of stuff -  that i've cultivated as part of my personality over the years. 

i trusted like a 4-yr. old does, even when it blew up in my face.  i would only get confused as to what happened, why i was treated the way i was, and carry on.   it wasn't a 4-yr. old that i carried with me - it was the qualities of optimism, loving, etc., that made me the type of person/personality i've been.  before she grows up and realizes the truth of the world.

i still retain most of those qualities, but the reality of the world is now known to me.  that's why i don't trust very easily anymore, or why i know that there is no one i can really rely on to the bitter end, whatever that might mean.  i know the truth of life and living now - i'm not so naive, not so carefree, and have to be much more careful. 

some of that is the result of my physical crapola going on, some of it is because of age, and a lot  of it is because of learning what i've learned the past 2 or so years.  it's all taken its toll on my spirit, chipped away at some of the best parts, and has left me shaken and afraid, something i don't have very much practice being.

the fraud part is that i always believed i trusted everyone, and i did, until they gave me reason not to.  i always acted the way i did, fearless, until just recently when i've discovered all kinds of fear.  maybe i just think of it as fraudulent because i have always been outside of my reality (mainly since i didn't know anything about it). 

re-reading what you said about the fraud part, sceal, brought tears of gratitude to my eyes.  thank you for saying that.  this really is all new territory for me, having emotions that i can recognize.  there are still too many that i don't have access to, but, again, it's exactly for the reason you said - the emotional denial as a baby/toddler interfered with the connecting parts of my brain, of that i'm convinced.  that's the basis for alexithymia.

and thank you, d.r. for your wisdom about the so-called neg. emotions.  my problem is not exactly a fear of them, or that i've numbed or buried them, per se, but that i haven't had access to them because of those faulty connections.  i haven't experienced the feeling of pos. emotions, either, most of my life.

i used to wonder why, when i was married to a man i believed loved me, had 2 daughters, a house, many friends, a great social life - why i didn't feel happy.  i cannot feel the feeling of happy, like i cannot feel the feeling of being loved, even tho i logically know i am loved by more than a few people.  i just can't feel it.

other feelings as well, i simply can't recognize within me, even tho they've been distressing and disturbing.  couldn't put a finger on what was going on to make me feel so bad inside, couldn't connect physical sensations with the emotions that caused them.  i'm convinced many, if not most, are still wreaking havoc with my muscles (fibromyalgia).

it's only been a little over a year that i've been able to connect a tightness in my chest with the feeling of fear.  i know that one now.  before, it just wasn't there, wasn't known, wasn't recognized, altho i did sometimes have a good survival sense, and knew when a situation might be truly dangerous (but rarely).  at those times i just knew what to do to keep myself safe, but i wasn't afraid - i just took the steps needed till i could get out.

i'm better with anger now than ever before, but i started out on a logical level with that one as well, and it's only been around maybe 10 yrs.  i'm not afraid of it, tho, and am really glad i can finally get it out, even tho it sometimes takes me  a few days to realize it still.

but the kind, warm, loving feelings i still can't connect with for the most part.  a few times in my life i've felt one or another, but never on a regular basis.  sometimes there have been breakthroughs here from all of you, and i believe it's because you've all continually showered me with them and it's been re-wiring my brain.  those times are unbelievable to feel.  like heaven must feel.

so, i struggle with all emotions, but it's getting better.  i think what my t has done with me as well, told me that i knew enough and it's time to rest, has helped.  i don't feel as frantic.  i'm more able to focus on relaxation and healing. 

ok, i think that's enough for today.  this has tired me out.  thank you all for your care and concern once again.  love all around.

Hi SanMagic,
You conveyed the 4 year old girl in the way you explained - I didn't think of her as your inner child - but as part of your personality, and I think that's a lovely aspect - that you could hold onto those lovely qualities of a 4 year old - who is looking at life in an open and wondrous way.  It shines out in you San. 
Hope  :)

Hi there San!

It's unfortunate that your emotions have dulled. But it's also rewarding to hear that it's getting better. I surely haven't lived through it as many years as you — I'm probably the only teenager on this site — but I get what it's like to be unable to experience any form of happiness, especially love. And how rewarding it is to be able to experience them after a long time — even for just a little.

I hope you're able to feel these emotions more, San.

Take care.

o, hope, i'm so glad.  when you mentioned taking care of that 4-yr. old, i thought you were thinking in terms of an inner child.  my mistake.  thank you for letting me know, and for seeing it in me.  it's something i do cherish.

thanks so much, d.r.  your warmth came shining thru, and i was able to feel that.  it felt really good.  little by little, we're gonna get there..

waiting to see the doc who's going to check out my head wound again.  it's coming along fine - i felt it itching this morning which has always been a sign that a wound is healing.  that perked me up a bit.

i was thinking last night about it, wondering how much collateral damage this cancer has caused me.  i mean, it's been growing for at least 10 yrs., and it occurred to me that my body's been fighting it all that time.  precious resources in my system had been re-routed to fight the invader, and how stressful to my system that must have been.

and, now, my body's working so hard to heal the wound.  wowser bowser - i've been on overdrive without even knowing it for so long.  it ticked me off to think about it.   again, how frickin' unfair, how incompetent those docs, and how much more unnecessary stress for my system.  just one more freakin' thing to be mad about.

but, yes, good to be mad, good to feel the anger, good to put it down here and help get it out of me.   a little time out there for some righteous bed-pounding, cussing away at the awful treatment i got.  aaargh!

this physical stuff is right in my face at the moment, but i came to a level of acceptance last night, something new.  very different feeling and perspective:  my life was what it was, is what it is, and i can accept that on one level now.  before that moment i felt like i was caught in a loop of rehashing the past (even here, saying a lot of the same things over and over).  it added to this new calmness i've been feeling.

i don't know if it will stick, but it feels better somehow.  like i said, i feel calmer.  less frantic.  more at ease.  i'm thinking my t and her approach to all this has something to do with it.  it's like all the research, learning, and work i've done about this on my own set the stage for how she's dealt with me.

it felt directionless to me before, but maybe it was the absolute correct time to slow it all down and just be (which is still kind of a foreign concept to me).  i'm still crying, but less.  maybe i need to cry more - this thought occurred to me last night, too, but just fleeting.  maybe i need to let those tears out instead of stifling them, and let myself over to whatever form they actually want to take.  something to try next time.

****  tw   *****  emotional denial/abuse

thinking about it, i've stifled those tears a lot, mainly cuz i'm embarrassed by them, even when i'm by myself.  don't know why that should be.  i think i need to let them run their natural course next time, see what happens.  old messages about crying include 'crying won't solve anything' 'stop crying, or i'll give you something to cry about' 'i can't even talk to you without you turning on the waterworks'.   all from my dad.

****  end tw  ****

ok, the lightbulb is going on.  let my body expel those tears in all their toxic glory, and get the poison out.  new concept here.  more healing i think.  o, that would be so good for me, my muscles, my entire system.  let it flow unrestrained.  what a novel idea. 

progress comes in many shapes and forms, doesn't it.  moving forward . . .

i lost my entire post.  can't do it over tonite. 

but i must.  at least part.  i let more tears come tonite, searching for their meaning.  i'd heard the words 'you were the one person i thought would never hurt me', and i began tearing up.  instead of stifling, i let the tears flow.  also, as i was writing before, more came.  tears with a purpose, but i think there are more to come.

with all the major men in my life, 7 have broken my heart, starting with my dad.  he was the first.  n was my first real boyfriend.  he broke my heart when he dumped me for not 'putting out'.  h was my first real love.  he dumped me after 4 yrs. and wedding plans for a girl who was catholic (like him). 

o, my first husband,  dumped me when i was 7 mos. pregnant because he said he didn't want to be married anymore.
u, my ex narc hub, pushed me out after 20 yrs. thru his behaviors, deceptions, and everything else.  d, my present hub, broke my trust to the point that i couldn't stay after making a horrible decision without talking to me first.  my chest is so tight right now.

finally, n, a long-lost friend of 50 yrs. turned out to be someone completely different than the boy i loved in college.  i couldn't put up with his assumptions, judgments, and criticisms.  he's actually the first of all these men that i was able to acknowledge, a little bit consciously, that he broke my heart.

but, tonite, the realization came to me that all these men i loved, all these men i'd trusted my heart to, broke it.  in all my life, till tonite, i've never shed a tear for any of these break-ups.  never consciously felt the heartbreak.  never knew it's what happened to me.  instead, after each one, i simply held my head up and went on with the business of my life.

the only heartbreak i've ever been able to feel before tonite was the one from my narc daughter.  i've cried over her, knew my heart had been broken, was aware of what had happened.  but, not with any of these men, not a tear have i shed for any of those relationships, for any of those break-ups.  i wasn't aware, didn't feel them for what they were, so i never cried about a single one. 

no wonder my body is in so much pain.  all those tears turned to poison cuz they were never expressed.  they simply dwelt in my body, my muscles.  i've cried toxic tears twice tonite, getting at least some of the poison out.  there may be more, and i'll be on the watch for them.  finally i feel i'm crying tears with a purpose.

wow.  chipping away again at my spirit.  that's what this feels like.  i don't know what to do from here, how to go on.  i'm adrift, but not floaty.  very grounded in a sea of tears.  i feel so very heavy, like my feet are pushing into the earth.  never felt like this before, either.  i don't know what it is or what it means.

Hi San,
You have really got in touch with so much emotion -  :hug: to you and I can imagine that must be tiring, draining, but the fact you mentioned being 'grounded in a sea of tears' and not floating off  or feeling floaty - it is maybe that you've really 'sat with' that emotion, rather than dissociated or separated yourself from the feeling.  I hope you don't mind my commenting on that, but it looks like a very powerful time that you had - and you touched many things - processing your emotion and your relationships to your past loves and relationships.

:hug: and hope that today is a day you can do whatever feels right to you to do.

Hope  :)

Hi there, San.  :wave:

Sometimes I find the most powerful insights come when we look at our entire lives as a whole rather than the small details of everyday life. The problem can seem small to us and hard to understand when we see it in worm's eye view, but if you look from above, that can lead to all the pieces coming together.

Good luck, San.  :hug:

thank you, hope.  i do believe your comments were just right (and i appreciate anything you have to say).  i did sit with them for a bit, just letting them be, but then i just couldn't anymore, turned to some food, couldn't sleep for all the turmoil.   i know that we resort to old behaviors when we grieve, so happily i didn't get down on myself for eating.  i felt really hungry for some reason - lots of energy expended, i'm guessing. 

d.r., thank you for your worldview perspective.  this is just coming to me in a way it hasn't before.  i used to go looking for it, but like i said, i feel now like i'm more of a magnet - the pieces are coming to me instead of me going after them, searching and researching for answers.  the answers are now seeking me out - i think i'm beginning to be more open to what's showing itself, instead of batting it away in my mind like an annoying fly.  very different approach for me.

i was right about more tears to come.  they came this morning, and again i let them.  they were more specific, focusing on my hub and what happened.  i'm guessing i'll have to go thru each one separately.  some will be less intense, some more, but it's finally grieving what i've barely given a thought to before.

i only had logic to fall back on in my life, so this emotional stuff feels like my brain is actually re-wiring, fixing itself, healing.   that's a good thing, but it leaves me floundering in these deep waters a bit.  can't see any land right now, can only hope that it will be there before i drown.  i do know in my heart that everyone here will help me navigate these waters.  i have faith in that, and you've all convinced me that i'm not alone with this. 

thank you, and love all around.  that's what i feel from you, whether you say it or not.  actions speak louder than words, and the help and insight, caring and concern i've gotten from all of you reeks of love.  i know it's what's helping me heal.  what a beautiful bunch of people here.

 :bighug:

 :bighug:

thank you sceal and d.r.   i could feel the warmth of those hugs and they brought a smile to my heart.

onward with grieving my heartbreaks.  today i got triggered while watching tennis.  a player hugged her dad who was in the stands.  i teared up, nearly stifled, then reminded myself this was an opportunity, and i let the sobs come while trying to figure out what was behind them.

my dad never told me he was proud of me.  i worked so hard to do what he wanted, to do well at what he wanted, and i never got even a pat on the back.  in fact, as good as i became at my studies, he'd tell me it wasn't good enough.  when i finally got straight a's, not a peep at all.  i was crushed.  i was heartbroken.

even when he was in the hospital and my sister and i flew across the country to be with him, paint the house cuz he was too sick, etc., his words to us were 'i expected that you'd be here.  the real accomplishment has been that your mom has come to visit me every day'.  i was crushed, heartbroken again. 

i didn't realize this at the time cuz i didn't feel these things, but i remember it, so i know it made a slash in my heart.   after he died, i would still go thru accomplishments over the years, wondering if he'd have been proud of this or that, or even telling myself he was looking down on me with pride.  somehow, tho, it really never eased the pain.

going even further back, to when i was 13 or so, and came to him and my mom, sobbing, in such distress because i was feeling so alone (i'd never been more miserable, before or since), and he verbally backhanded me, stopped me in my tracks, and dismissed me so fast it made my head spin.  that's when i knew i'd never ever be able to rely on him for anything, that he did the opposite of take care of me .  he broke my heart yet again.

this man, who i idolized, who all i wanted was some sort of recognition that i was doing good, broke my heart over and over and over again, so many times that as i'm writing this i may have lost count.  but, never telling me he was proud of me was the worst, and never telling me what a beautiful daughter he had was second in line.  withholding  expressions of love, kindness, and acceptance comes in third.

so, grieving mode today.  this may take a while.  he was the source of all i looked for in the men who followed. 

Thank you for sharing, San. I know these feelings all too well oh, and you put them beautifully. For me the realization came very early, I think it was around 4 years old, when I knew my parents could not and would not ever give me what I really needed from them. Sometimes when I cry I remember things that I didn't realize I was still carrying inside all this time. As I weep I feel sure that this is the only way- the only way to move forward is through the tears. The grieving is so hard, but at least it's real. In the end I would rather be this person who cries and feels things deeply and understands other people's pain, then to be like them. Hope you're taking good care of yourself in the grief. I'm not sure why I'm crying so much lately too, whether it's the season or maybe it's just time. I think I'll try to go do some yoga and make something warm to eat. Thanks again for sharing :hug:

elise, thank you.  i'm glad to be able to shed tears that finally have meaning for me, instead of randomly weeping all the time and not being able to connect them to anything.  yes, i believe it is time.  making these connections between my tears and what happened in my past give them purpose.  therefore, i'm finally feeling some relief and release.

i'm taking care of myself as best i can.  it's a bit rough to finally realize where all these tears have been coming from, but i agree with you that the only way out is through.  onward . . .

and  :hug: back to you.

My dear San, this is a lot of deep insight and emotion. I am proud of you for going into this and shedding tears for the heartbreak you have been through. I agree that the only way through is onward, but I know how hard that can be. I wish I had more wise words, but I think you are doing exactly what you need to be my dear. So instead of wise words, I have a hug full of warmth, comfort, and encouragement. It is always there and available to you. The earth mother spirit that is somewhere in me loves to reach out and comfort those she cares for, so I am sitting with you for anything you need right now.  :hug:

bless you, el.  i can feel the warmth, and it's great.  thank you.  caring hugs have their own wisdom.

Hey San, I find it interesting that you call these tears as "meaningful". Let me tell you about that.

I remember reading a book called Sapiens : A Brief History of Humankind. On one of the last chapters, it asked that when we look at history, are we as a species actually becoming happier? And here it explained a new definition of what it meant to be happy.

There were people who conducted a study and asked people to rate how happy their day was and to compare how many positve emotions they felt that day. The result was — positive emotions weren't the greatest factor in what made them think their day was happy. It was meaning. It was what they think made life worth living. It was what they were driven to think, feel and do in life.

It was like loving parents — who had to deal with changing poopy diapers, dealing with sleepless nights over the baby crying and dealing with tantrums. It was stressful — but those parents talked about how much they were happy about the choice to have kids despite it being so stressful.

In another example, a person watching TV mindlessly might be happier than those parents — but it wouldn't be meaningful. Many people wouldn't see a life with a normal job and going back home watching TV as a "happy" life.

Maybe you are getting more stressed as you get older. Maybe you have more negative emotions. But maybe you're improving in what matters most in happiness — and that's finding more meaning.

:hug: to you, San.

thanks, d.r. and  :hug: back to you.  interesting.  since i've rarely (like maybe twice) have i ever felt the feeling of happiness, i don't know how to relate to this.  to this day, if i could do it over, i wouldn't have had my daughters.  for one, it would have spared them a great deal of pain, something i wish never happened.  for another, i felt taking care of them was a chore - i didn't feel happy about it, didn't really enjoy them.  i don't like babies or little kids, didn't like mine until they were around 7 and had some logic and thinking capabilities of their own.

i think i was very depressed.  there was no room for happiness.

if i look at my life, as a whole, i can say i had a great life - i traveled, accomplished many of my dreams, loved, had lots of adventures, created, laughed a lot, lived in a foreign country, learned another language and culture, and had a lot of friends most of the time.  but i could never call it a happy life.  i battled my way through, battled to be myself, every step of the way, and the last 20 yrs. or so, have also been battling to be well. 

i don't mean to be a downer about this, but i just don't see happy pertaining to me.  i've been glad i did certain things, i've been excited about stuff, i've enjoyed activities and people, i've been optimistic most all the time, and i could feel good about helping people.  i was a half-full gal, always looking for a bright side or silver lining.   but, the constant battling  kept the happy at bay.

i don't know what it would have been like to be happy, and i can't imagine having a happy life.   i've never thought of it before this moment, but maybe i'm working so hard in order to finally feel happy.  strange concept,tho.  don't have a clue what that would look or feel like.

for me, the stress has been an accumulation of not being emotionally present, not knowing how i was feeling, (except confused), not knowing what i didn't know.  as i've discovered the basics of narc abuse, misogyny, and alexithymia, what it all meant, having to cut my daughter out of my life because of what she had done to me for over 30 yrs., and i kept taking it in, taking all the abuse in from husbands, therapists, people who harmed me, broke me down till i was on my knees more than once, and somehow finding the strength to get back up one more time, and the physical toll it's taken on my body till i can barely move without wincing anymore -----

and now i'm discovering how all these pieces fit together, how the stress of acceptance and tolerance has literally stopped me in my tracks many times - i had 4 breakdowns in 5 years, one of which sent me to bed for 6 mos. -  and how my body has kept all the pain and anger that i couldn't express because i didn't know it was there, didn't consciously feel it, has held it inside until it is now screaming in pain and anger, and i ask for the strength to make it thru one more day because of my daughter.  for myself, it would be a blessed relief not to deal with this anymore, not to continue battling.

at times i believed i was too tired to carry on, and i've written about that here.  i'm finding more emotions lately, and i'm glad of that cuz it's allowing me to get some of the poison out of my body that has so patiently held onto it for me until it, too, is breaking down.  and i keep battling so i can be, for what it's worth, the best mom possible for my younger d, who has hung onto me and would not let me go, even when i was floundering.  i owe it to her now to not let go. 

and i found another heartbreak last night.  the triggering sentence was 'that was the hardest thing i ever had to do', pertaining to a call made by a woman to the man she loved.  the sobs came, and i couldn't figure it out for a bit, but kept myself crying as long as possible.  it was related to another man whom i'd forgotten about, but his was the love that sustained me thru 30 yrs. of madness, the memory of what we'd had for 2 1/2 yrs., and my dream to live with him in that small town in mexico. 

before i left there, i was able to talk to him for about 20 min., and asked him a question i'd been wondering about all those years - the hardest thing i'd ever done.  that was the trigger.  and he denied me, denied what we'd had, made it out to be just another fling when i know in my heart (because of things that had happened between us thru the years) that it had been much more than that.

he denied it all to my face, except for one tiny throwaway remark that i didn't pursue.  there was no point anymore.  i had to leave anyway, and i didn't have the emotions at the fore to challenge him.  it seemed pointless.  but, he broke my heart.  he was my safe haven, intertwined with mexico, the only place i'd ever felt safe (which is why i ran there) and it's taken me 6 mos. of being here that i finally felt the pain, the heartbreak, of having to leave my mexico behind, leave him go once and for all.

my hub got intertwined in there as well because he was the catalyst that caused me to leave, and for a few moments i hated him for that.  but i've been able, finally, to acknowledge the heartbreak of having to leave all of it behind.  i don't believe i'll ever return.  too painful now.  that chapter of my life is over.  besides, i was dying there from lack of proper medical care.

so, full grieving mode again, only this time it ransacked my sleep.  i am grief-stricken.  i call these tears meaningful because there is finally a focus to them, something i can pinpoint as to why they're there and what they belong to.  all this random weeping i've done, all the crying i've stifled, i didn't really know what those tears pertained to.  i made stuff up to explain them away, but they seemed purposeless.

now that i'm not stifling, now that i'm letting them out full bore, now they have meaning.  i know they are full of the poison of unexpressed emotions - so much sadness i've carried around without ever giving vent to it - and i'm finally letting them out instead of battling to keep them from showing themselves.  i was told this would be hard work - i just didn't expect all the pain, cuz i didn't realize how much i'd carried with me instead of letting it out as things happened. 

i'm tired.

Dear San,

No wonder at all that you are tired. You've fought for so long, despite all your travels and other accomplishments. A part of you have always had to fight to keep your head above water. It's understandable that you don't know what happy looks like. I think it is different from person to person. For the happiness portraied in movies and on family photos, or party pictures and what not, isn't my kind of happy. Maybe your kind of happy is something else than what is usually portraied in the various medias? I hope you will find it one day, and I think that allowing yourself to grieve from the things that you've been through, the situations and people you had to move away from is a step closer to finding your happy heart.

I think I'll be lighting a candle for you tonight.

you dear sweetheart, sceal.  thank you for all your support and validation.  i can't tell you how much it means to me.  i'll be thinking of you and your candle tonite.

i don't know what my happy would feel or look like.  it would probably entail being able to stop battling, whether it's this emotional stuff or the physical.  both seem very far away.  i think, and i don't mean this as anything negative, but as a reality situation, i think i may finally be happy when i'm dead.

i know it sounds morbid and neg., but i don't mean it to be.  it's something i kind of look forward to, altho i no longer feel like seeking it out.  i don't have depression like i used to, when i did think of suicide,  no, it's something far more ethereal than that. 

living is just continuing to put one foot in front of the other, making it from one day to the next, staying as alive and sane as possible.  i know this sounds like a downer, but it's my reality for now.  all the pain. both physical and emotional, just gets wearing.   

maybe this isn't a good thing to be writing here.  i don't know anymore.  well, i'm in the middle of mourning, and that's a pretty dark place all by itself.  still, i can feel gratitude for this forum, for all of you.  you help me get thru this.  and i will.  it will just take a bit of time.

i thought of calling my t, but i don't know what she could do.  mourning is just a piece of time to be gotten thru. 

i remember a boyfriend my daughter had who dumped her.  it was devastating to her.  she was on the phone with me and all her friends every day for several weeks, just crying and carrying on in her sorrow.  i even had to tell her i needed a break of a couple of days - it got to be too much for me.

i can now see how being able to express the feelings she had when he broke her heart, altho nearly catastrophic, gave her the ability to get it all out, and eventually be able to move on.  it was pretty intense for a while, but i can see the benefit of it now.  i wish i'd had that capability.

so, it's taken me 6 mos. to be able to cry about having to leave my beloved mexico, my safe place for so long, the town where my heart resided even after i'd left and gone back to the states, resuming my day to day life.   it took 30 years to be reunited with my heart, and now i had to leave it behind again, never to see it again.

i know, never say never.  at the moment, i can't even imagine going back, even for a visit.  it would be too hard on me on so many levels.  so, i'm saying good-bye.  that was the one place that when i talked about it, my eyes sparkled.  it had such a profound effect on me, and now i'm shedding tears of deep sadness, too deep to fathom. 

i hate that i had to leave that town, those people.  they were very warm and welcoming to me, even tho they weren't very open to strangers, especially americans.  too many were truly of the 'ugly' variety, and i couldn't stand them.  i stayed away from them as much as possible. 

but i loved the mexican people.  i learned about the culture of poverty, which wasn't pretty.  i lived with grit, roaches, mice, and ants - it's just how it was there.  our house was built of mexican bricks and mortar, which left plenty of holes for critters and drafts to get thru.  still, it was part of the entire experience.

so, i'm in the midst of clean now, and it was quite an adjustment to make.  i can communicate a bit better with the docs, but they often don't understand what i'm talking about anyway.  they have no idea of my history, how sensitive i've become to pain, or how much i've endured to get me to where i am.

anyway, i guess i've rambled enough.  god, give me the strength to get thru this day.  thank you.

Quotemaybe this isn't a good thing to be writing here

It is absolutely okay for you to spill your guts here. After all the support you give everyone else, it's nice to have the chance to support you back!

This is bound to be a time of grief and adjustment for you, dear San. You left a sanctuary that you'd fled to, and it may help to remember why you left. You need better care and a cleaner, more peaceful environment in order to patch yourself up.

It's got to be a huge adjustment tho! Man, I don't know how I'd feel leaving not only a home but a whole culture. You sure are brave!

Do me a favor and wrap your arms around yourself, and know that hug is from me. I'll have a cup of chai tea and think of you.  :hug:

 my dearest 3roses, you brought tears to my eyes.  thank you so much for saying it's ok for me to talk about the darkest crap within.  they were good tears, tho, brought on by your caring.  they have a huge smile attached.

feeling better today.  i just have to go thru this crapola, but i do come out the other side.  i slept well, thought of your candle, sceal, and it was soothing to me.  went to the porch in my mind, and everyone was there, wrapped a blanket around me on my rocker, and was just there with you all.  truly a healing porch.

i know there will be more of these coming, but i've decided not to push them out.  rather, i'll wait for the trigger and figure out what it means from there.  this way i can give my body and mind some rest in between.  i always talk about going slow, and i need to do that for myself as well.

well, 3roses, i wrapped myself up, and the sobs came, from my gut.  it turned into another trigger  please, don't take this is a bad way.  all of this is most needed if i'm to have any semblance to health (emot. and phys.) and well-being.   it was for my mother this time, who never hugged me when i was in distress.

in fact, there are 2 incidents i remember.  one, when i was 5 and was sent home from kindergarten because i'd forgotten my lunch money.  the back door was locked, i pounded and pounded with my little fist, no answer for what seemed an eternity, and i was so scared that i'd be out there alone forever.

my mother finally came to the door, saw me, said 'i didn't hear you cuz i was vacuuming' and proceeded to ask what was wrong.  but i don't remember being swept into her arms, soothed or comforted. 

the other incident i've written about before.  i was in such distress, sobbing in front of my parents.  she did nothing to comfort me, just stood there watching her daughter sobbing in pain.  so, this needed to come out even tho i thought i'd dealt with it a million times over.  what i hadn't done was felt and acknowledged and expressed the pain of not being wrapped in her arms, not being taken care of when in such dire distress.

so, thank you 3roses, for that hug.  it opened up a doorway that i'd shut since i was 13.   telling me to do it physically made the difference.  actually doing it opened that door.  i didn't realize she'd broken my heart as well. 

o my poor sweet heart.   still the tears are coming - there must've been 4 waves of sobbing already.  i had no idea this would happen.  i'm grateful for it, tho, as painful and disturbing as it is.  it's also necessary.  i know that.  but, at least these tears now have a purpose, have a focus, that all the weeping in the past didn't have.  these are cleansing.

these are finally the tears that help make me feel better.  these are what, for me, are 'a good cry'.  i am so blessed to have you people in my life.  yes, i just hugged myself again, imagined it was you, 3roses, hugging me, and no tears.  just a smile of warmth and love.  you knew exactly what  i needed.  thank you.

I lighted a candle for you tonight too, San. It's been burning for hours (but I'm off to bed very shortly now, so I had to blow it out). It's a vanilla scented one, not strongly scented, but just so you can smell it.

Being rejected when you're at your most vulnerable by the people who are supposed to care for you and love you is an incredible hard and heartbreaking thing to endure. I know the feeling of it, the shattering feeling. How it slowly burns down the bridge of trust in others.  I am glad to hear that you did give yourself the hug 3Roses gave you and that it had an effect more strongly by doing it physically. My T has been telling me for months I need to start pat myself on the shoulder at the end of the day. Your affirmation that a self-hug actually works, maybe it'll work as a shoulder pat too for getting through the day and having done something each day. Even if the only thing was to get out of bed and to the sofa.

I also want to second 3Roses before I go, that it is more than okay for you to spill your guts. I am so grateful for all of your kind, compassionate words that you give me so often after hard days and constantly spilling the beans. I would love to be able to offer you the same kind of compassion and a shoulder to cry on(although digital) when you need it and want it.  :hug:

san, here's  :bighug: with some strength in it.

I think it's great that you're writing all that poison out of your system! Why wouldn't your own Journal be a good place for that? You show so much compassion for others on here, here's some compassion back /throws a sackful across the Atlantic /

San,

Thank you for encouraging me in my journal.

I'm so sorry about the difficulties you've been facing recently, and for what's happened to you in the past.

I'll be thinking of you and sending support your way.

:grouphug:

sceal, those candles have been invaluable.  i can't thank you enough.  i thought about them before i went to sleep, and all the thoughtfulness and care that went into that gesture touched and soothed me.  you are a lovely friend to do that.

blueberry, i pictured that sackful winging its way across the sea, and a true smile came to my face - made me chuckle a bit and warmed my heart.  thank you so much.  it helped, too.  last night, i nearly went into another heartbreak, unrelated to what i've been going thru lately, and had the strength to say 'no, not tonite.  this needs to come later'.  and, it dissipated.  i needed a breather from the emotional overload these 'sessions' bring.  your sackful hit home.

hopeful, thanks so much for your support.  very kind of you.  that's what's really helping me heal is all the kindness i've been shown here.  that's been the biggest void in my life, i believe, but it's getting filled here from all you beautiful people.

today, i'm just taking it easy, breathing, did some stretches and appt. calls.  all has been well.  hugs and love all around.

****tw*****

last nite, a new torrent of tears, hard sobs, wrenching my body, i couldn't even sit still.  was watching a movie and in a relationship the man showed an incredible act of tenderness toward the woman.  he saw a scar on her back, asked her about it, she said it was a battle scar (something like that) and he leaned over and kissed it.  it brought tears to her eyes and i could so relate.  that small gesture of tenderness was overwhelmingly huge.

it took me back to my first love.  never tender toward me in 4 yrs.  not a drop of tenderness, not once touched my face or even looked at me tenderly.  we lost our virginity to each other after 3 yrs., and it was horrible.  what should have been a very tender situation turned into one of panic on his part that i would get pregnant (and he'd have to quit college), so before i even knew what was happening, he was barking at me to go the the bathroom and wash myself, as if that would prevent anything untoward from happening.

as usual, i was confused, did what he'd told me to do (this was at his frat party, so i had to unceremoniously wrap my dress around me and go down the hall, hoping no one else was awake - very embarrassing), and that was my experience with the boy i loved and planned to marry.  it should have been so different.  i later learned he was also already seeing someone else.  that explains the panic.

still, all the while we were going out we would 'play' fight, him slapping me in the face over and over as i cringed down into the front of the car, he would leave me alone at his parents' house if the other guys came over to play ball, and, even later, while we were both married to someone else, he still wanted to have sex with me.

he was another one who wouldn't admit how he felt about me, would never give me a compliment ('if i don't like it i'll say something' was his reply when i asked one night if i looked pretty. and another who never apologized to me for anything he'd done.

i know this sounds trivial, but it's part of the reason, i believe, that i've been weeping without a concrete reason so much over the years.  it was heartbreaking to me that this boy who i wanted to spend my life with treated me so badly all the time.  just under the radar of actual domestic violence, but emotional abuse to be sure.  i just tolerated it at the time, so happy to spend a few hours with him no matter what.

like i told him at the end, i thought i could love him enough for the both of us.  it should have been wonderful, and instead it was one crummy thing after another.  when i complained to my best friend years later (she ran with the same group as me in high school, and knew him well, knew us as a couple well) she explained it away as 'he was just a guy's guy'.  she refused to see it as abusive.

then my sadness and feelings of loss turned to terrible anger, and i pounded and cursed.  my dad swept into my field of vision, as did my other hubs about the whole tenderness thing.   there was only one man i can remember who was truly tender toward me, treated me like no one else, made me feel beautiful.  made me feel it heart to heart.  i'm forever grateful to him for that. 

but the rest of them, no.  over and over, it was really quite a pattern.  they seemed like nice guys at first, but once we got going, the whole thing never quite came together.  tenderless-ness was the overriding theme of all these relationships.  i didn't realize before last nite how much i'd looked for it, wanted it, needed it, nor how much i'd missed it and was grieving for what wasn't. 

too much pain.  even my crater was hurting last nite, as well as my muscles over nearly my entire back and sides.  i keep asking for strength to go on, to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  then i found out from my daughter who'd invited me for thanksgiving, that her roomies don't like turkey, so we're not even having a traditional thanksgiving - my first one in the states for 16 yrs.  i'd even found a thanksgiving buffet in mexico that my hub took me to every year. 

this moment i'm allowing myself to feel disappointed.  actually, the whole thing with my daughter is rather disappointing
at times.  i am not her no. 1 concern when it comes to things like this.  she wouldn't have included me in her thanksgiving celebration if it hadn't been ok with her roomies.  tears coming now as i express this consciously for the first time.  i've been understanding and tolerant of this 'permission' that it's ok for her mother to come over, but it hurts.  another heartbreak i'm just admitting.

i've gotta stop.  i feel like an afterthought, an 'ok' with conditions.  i say i understand, but i don't really.  i don't understand.

Oh my dear, lots of warmth, reassuring hugs, and love to you. I have not been able to read for a few days, as I was adapting to my own aches. There is a lot to say, and I am trying to find the best words.  :hug:

With risk of making you cry again, I just wanted to tell you I understand those feelings that come from your mom not comforting you. It can leave a wound that is pretty big, I won't go into how I know here, but I understand. I am hopeful all the compassion you find here is helping fill that hole a bit. You deserved all the warmth and comfort in the world then, and you still do now.  :hug:

As far as the heart ache from some early love of yours, I am sorry they treated you so poorly. Again, I understand that experience and am glad you are finding time to release those feelings after all these years. Getting the poison out is so important, although the process is painful. I am proud of you for facing all of this, San. It takes real strength and guts to do so.

More hugs filled with warmth and understanding for you. Know I am always here with a cup of tea, hugs, or kind words even if I am not present in this journal. :big hug:

el, i know you are with me, and i so appreciate it.  thank you.  i'm just so very tired. 

I am glad you know I am with you. Take the much needed time to rest, and care for yourself. You deserve it.  :hug:

feeling a bit better today, a bit more settled.  dang, i hate this roller coaster ride.  it is not fun, not thrilling, not exciting except when there is a breakthrough.

i think i let some of yesterday go.  maybe it's that i'm more resigned to, maybe that i'm more accepting  of the reality i find myself in.  it's only been a bit over 6 mos. since i moved here - could be that expectations were running rampant, and they were selfishly my own. 

my d already has a relationship with the 2 guys she lives with - one is an ex-boyfriend, actually.  she totally depends on him for most of her emotional support on a day-to-day basis, and i think they've made a solid wall around themselves that doesn't really allow anyone else anything but a fringe  relationship with them.  i wanted to be accepted more as part of their 'family', but i don't think that's going to happen.

so be it, i guess.  it hurts, tho, i won't lie.  i believe my d would go thru * for me, but i do believe if she had to choose, he would come first.  that stings.  i did raise her to be an independent woman, tho, and that she is.  so, making these kinds of decisions would probably come under the independence umbrella.

whatever.  i don't know.  basically, this is coming from a place of fear.  i'm growing older, i'm sick, can't do and be the way i used to, don't have my own transportation, and the woman who owns this house is my age and still works very hard.  i can't help but wonder what would happen to me if she keels over.  i work at keeping that at the back of my mind, but it niggles every so often.

so, that's it.  i'm afraid now that i'll eventually end up on the street, alone and broke.  i don't think my d would actually allow that to happen, but she's also got her own problems.  she didn't expect to have to have any responsibility for an old, ailing mother at this point in her life.  she had her own dream moving out here, and it has yet to be realized.

so, random ucky thoughts on growing old.  sucks.  and i don't like feeling afraid.

I hear you. The roller-coaster ride is no fun! First of all, you never really reach the top, and the plummeting down is not even the least bit entertaining on a real roller-coaster. It's just dreadful.

Getting settled into a place with a bunch of strangers (from what I've read, I presume they weren't friends from before), getting time to grieve for the loss of Mexico, and having the surgery. It's enough stressors for anyone! You've done alot these past 6 months, and I bet even before that too.

Children doesn't always choose their parents first, especially not after they're way past into adulthood. I can only imagine that it does hurt, as I do not have any children of my own. Even if she's now closer with her roomates, you will always be her mother. They will never take that away. Maybe in time you will be accepted as part of the family, I hope you will.

:hug:
I wish you a better day today than yesterday, and that they keep on improving.

Hi SanMagic,
I also wish you a better day ahead -  :hug: to you.
Hope  :)

as i've been writing elsewhere, i'm feeling the worst i've felt in a long time. 

thank you sceal and hope for your loveliness.

i've been crying since my shower this morning, can't stop.  3roses hugs have just brought forth buckets of tears.  i want to curl up in a ball and just let life go by.  i feel on the edge of my sanity, and i'm as ready to let that happen as ever in my life.  it's all too much. 

i'll call my t tomorrow, see if she can give me a phone session this week.  i'm seeing her next week.  i don't know how long i can go on this way.  that monster tv is sitting behind me, watching me.  i'm paralyzed with regard to it.  so scared of these tech. advances - they don't suit me.  my energy turns them to mush. 

i don't know what to do.  i don't belong here.  i have the feeling my ll will go thru my stuff when i'm gone to my d's for thanksgiving, looking for the money i lost last month.  she mentioned it the other day, asked if maybe it isn't in one of my pockets.  i told her i've looked 2, 3, 7 times thru everything.

she's gone thru drawers of others in the house (yes, they were all strangers), even their garbage, noting what they throw away and stuff.  i know this cuz she's told me.   i've been especially careful to keep my room up to her standards.  we've gotten along well for the most part.  this tv thing, and her 'appearing' at or in my room, tho, has opened a new dimension.

i've told her i have c-ptsd, but she doesn't have a clue.  i asked her this morning to please knock  before coming into my room, and she said yes.  i hope that helps.  right now, tho, i don't want her asking me again and again if i've watched the tv.   just leave me alone.

i didn't expect this reaction, was just accepting that i'd get a new/different tv.  didn't think past that about all the tech marvels that would mean.  i need a cave near the porch where i can just go and be away from everything for a bit.  set into the rocks, lovely little fire at the front of it, hidden by trees and branches, pine boughs and warm animal hides for a bed.  just a place to hide till this goes away.

Sending you warm and positive thoughts.
:bighug: :bighug: I know you are scared. It's alright to be scared, but I hope it will pass soon.
I hope your T will be able to give you a talk on the phone this week. Waiting til next week is a long way to wait when you're suffering this much.

Are there other people you can talk to? Is there a church nearby? I don't know if you are religious, but even if you aren't, maybe a priest can listen to your worries and help soothe your aching heart?

 :bighug: :bighug:  :grouphug:

Dear San,

So sorry to hear about your suffering.  Sending you caring vibes and hope you find that safe, warm place tonight until you can call your T.

Not sure what you meant about your TV as I'm not very high tech myself.  But I hope you can find some peace, yes, like the kind you can only find in nature, away from this modern world. 

Even though I've only known you for a short time here, I can feel you are a wonderful person and you deserve it.

Lots if hugs
:grouphug:

sceal, blueberry, elise - thank you so much for your warmth and caring.  feeling a bit better tonite, but don't know if i'll tackle the tv yet or not.  at least i don't feel like i did.  i closed myself in my room all day, too, which helped. 

so, ultrasound tomorrow for a suspicious mass in my breast.  of course, as much as i've been pushing that to the back of my mind, it's been there.  tues. a return to the eye doc to make sure my eye pressure is within reasonable bounds.  thurs. is thanksgiving.  not a lot of down time this week.  we'll see how that goes.

you all have been rocks for me to hang onto when i've been floundering.  if you ever doubt that you're good people, remember this - bad people don't give a crap about someone else's pain.   love and hugs all around

 :hug: :hug:

Best of luck to you, dear friend. I am glad you got to stay in your room most of the day. Sometimes that alone time is the best thing for us. Lots of love, and strength to you as you get through this all

thank you my dearest el.  i'm feeling a bit calmer.  talked to my d, we got everything straightened out about the whole 'permission' thing, and she assured me that if things would've gone sideways, she would still have had some kind of thanksgiving celebration with me, no matter what.  that was so reassuring, so i'm glad i got up the courage to tell her how i'd been feeling.

on the tv front, i realized that these weren't unfounded fears, nor irrational.  i really have messed up electronic things/technical gadgets with my energy.  i just hadn't found the focus for the fear at the time i felt it.  my d suggested that i talk to my ll about my history, why i've been afraid, and see what she says.

it's just that it's all brand new, and i was scared that i was somehow going to mess it up.  it's like i don't use most of her appliances or eat at her table cuz i'm not as neat and tidy as she is.  i splatter, knock things over, and i have had a dread of spilling and staining.  even to roll back the tablecloth as she suggested, i just don't want to take the chance.

so, in order not to walk on eggshells as much as possible, i avoid her things as much as possible.  it's much easier on me.  she commented on how she felt bad that i was so uncomfortable in her house with her things.  well, i wasn't here a month and i broke the dam' toilet seat!  how does that happen to anyone else????

anyway, i'm glad it doesn't feel like an irrational fear, that it's a real fear.  i'm not dainty by any means.  i don't mind stains on my own things, but that's cuz that kind of thing has never mattered much to me.  yet, growing up our house was spotless - my mother put most of her energy into making sure her floors were clean enough to eat off.  i'm not like that at all.

so, a hectic couple of days, but i think it'll be better, altho those tears are still right behind my eyes.   probably has something to do with tomorrow.  always friggin' something.  hard to keep stress down for healing's sake when it keeps popping up all over.  thank you everyone who has gotten me thru this.  you're the best.

Hey San, been a couple of days since I've been here, hasn't it?  :wave:

You're going through a lot of stress — you've had been for your entire life from the looks of it — and it's natural to be so clumsy at a time like this. Take your time, alright?

:hug:

thanks, d.r.  glad to see you're back.   you've made an impression here, and there's a void when you're gone.

feeling better, a bit stronger.  i think part of my problem is feeling so needy where my d is concerned.  it felt so good to talk to her yesterday, tell her what i was thinking/feeling, and she's so very patient with me, and very kind.  always has been.  so, i've been reassured by her, and that un-tilts my world just that little bit more.

nervous now, going for the ultra-sound to see if i have yet another spot of cancer.   i work hard at not letting this med. crap get to me, but dang, it does a number on me anyway.  everyone is always reassuring that everything will be all right, but there's cancer all over my family, so i don't know. 

we'll see i guess.  i wish i had the energy to write to more of everyone, but i just don't right now.  i miss it, tho, miss seeing how everyone's doing.  love all around.

 :grouphug: for you (I'm thinking others on here will join in) for the ultrasound.

With that hanging over you, it's no surprise to me that things have been particularly difficult for you this past weekend. At least I find when under pressure or fear about one thing, additional problems including people who are not good at respecting my boundaries make everything worse. Make me worse. Make my EFs worse.

thanks, blueberry.  i suspect you're right.

apparently there's nothing wrong, altho it took 2 hrs., was very uncomfortable and painful at times,  it was sent to a radiologist who said the 'mass' they'd seen was probably just a lymph node, and she wanted me to undergo another mammogram on the spot, cuz it seemed like some tissues had changed since july.

bull pucky.  i was exhausted, stressed to the max, and wasn't gonna hang around there any longer.  i could barely walk, i was so tired.  got home, ate everything in sight, fell asleep in my chair, and have to see the eye doc tomorrow to make sure my eye pressure is ok.  with all this stress, it's probably sky high.  dang, enough is enough!

my crater is coming along nicely, tho.  looks clean, no infection, and is getting smaller.  holy crap, i just don't know how i keep going.  well, you all certainly prop me up when i'm about to go under, and that's divine intervention if i've ever heard of it.    a bunch of angels surrounding me.  that brings a smile to my heart.  you're the best.

Glad to hear that there was nothing wrong there, San. :)

It's pretty terrible sounding what you're emotionally and physically going through. All I can say is that you deserve some rest and some care to yourself.

I heard you like hugs, San. So big hugs to you!

:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

thanks, d.r.  and, yes, i love hugs, and i smile at all you sent me.  how perfectly wonderful of you.  thank you ever so.

so, tired today, but getting ready to see the eye doc in an hour.   got a note about the follow-up mammo, they want to look at that 'spot' they saw again.  i told them i have no energy nor money right now, and i'll let them know when i'm ready.  i understand these people want to help, to make sure everything's ok, but even my driver said 'sometimes i think they just want more money'.  i don't know anymore.

so, i'm not gonna worry about it for now.  i've got therapy and doc bills coming in, christmas is coming, it's all i can do to put one foot in front of the other right now. 

watched the new tv last nite, it's hd, and it looks very weird to me, like these are live stage plays i'm watching instead of tv shows.  it's unnerving to me.  maybe i'll get used to it.  i don't know.  my sanity is being tested.

one spot of good news is that my d has been having a free promotion for her book (free download) and she made no. 1 on amazon, and it's now trending.  she's so excited, she's worked so hard for a break, and i'm so over the moon for her.  any sci-fi psychological thriller fans who like strong female characters, pm me and i'll send you the link.

so, just waiting now.  my ride comes in an hour.  it seems that i'm feeling better about speaking up, and it's helping.  i now keep my room door closed most all the way so my ll doesn't just 'appear' there, which scares the crap outta me, and she has knocked now, which doesn't bother me at all.  so, that looks like progress.  i just wonder whatever happened to common courtesy.

Yeah, great to hear 'nothing there'. You're making progress in other ways too like with your ll. And like telling docs: "not atm. I'll get back to you."  :cheer:  :bighug:

thanks, blueberry, for that validation.  the docs seem to think always that their field is most important and anything in it needs to be tended to immediately, and it's almost a shaming or guilting feeling if you don't do exactly what they want when they want you to do it. 

my eyes are better than i expected, so that's a yay.  i'm also so very p.o.'d about having to be worrying about them for 4 1/2 yrs, tho.  all that unneeded stress.  ticks me off, but i'm too tired to do anything about it, except say it.  can't even feel it right now. 

so, that's it for doc for a bit.  still have therapy to go to next week, and i'm not looking forward to that, either.  i'm too tired.  it'll be one more chore for me to do.  like the docs.  one more time i have to leave my room and interact with someone.  one more thing.  if thanksgiving were tomorrow, i wouldn't be able to make it.  as of right now, i'm already doubting if i'll be able to.  it makes me want to cry.

where's my cave?   i wish i could write to everyone but i just can't right now.  i need some time to myself. 

Lots of warmth and comfort to you, my dear. Take all the time you need to yourself, you deserve to take that step for self care. You have been doing so much, I am proud of you for it.  :hug:

San, it's alright. Take care of yourself. You've done enough.

:hug:

thanks, everyone.  i had a bit of a heartbreak cry last nite, but i suspect it's the tip of an iceberg.  won't go into it now, just wanted to get it down and out of me.  that always seems to help.  love all around. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 22, 2017, 01:54:40 AM
where's my cave?   

On the Healing Porch? I thought you had one there. If you don't I'm sure we can make one for you. Help you set it up if you're too tired.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 22, 2017, 01:54:40 AM
i wish i could write to everyone but i just can't right now.  i need some time to myself.

san, pleeeeaaaase take some time for yourself. I for one do not need a reply to anything in this thread that I've said to you, including this last sentence! No stress!  :hug:

woke up from a nap, have a little energy. 

i do have a cave at the healing porch, blueberry.  i was just lost for a minute.

gotta take a shower, gather all the stuff to take to my d's tomorrow.  i hope i have some energy for that.  this is a first, don't know what to expect at all, except we're going to watch one of my fav movies - 'streets of fire'.  lots of stars before they were stars.  a cult classic.  music by ry cooder. 

for all who celebrate, good day tomorrow.  for all who don't, good day tomorrow.  feeling drained now, so time to stop.  love all around.

i thought i uploaded a pic for an avatar.   it's not showing.  i don't know how to do it, i guess.

San, email me a pic you want as an avatar and I'll do it for you. :)  :hug:

San, I'm glad you're taking time for yourself.  :hug:

Movies and watching shows get a bad rap as "addictions" but I believe in the right time and place, they can be healing somehow. Especially when the show shares a message that could help you.

thanks, d.r.  using them as pure escapism time after time can be addictive.  i do that sometimes with certain shows that are over the top (absolutely fabulous, married with children, etc.) but i've always gotten life lessons from movies that have touched me. 

this seems to be working for me as a healing format, so i'll keep on with it.  there's a balance, which i think is very important.  and, now that i'm using them to identify heartbreaks, they are more of a recovery tool than ever. 

while i'm writing, it's 4 a.m., have been up since 2.  nervous about dinner at my daughter's place, i just want to crawl into my cave, but i want this experience as well.  stuck between a rock and a hard place.  she called last nite to check w/ me cuz she knows i've been going thru a rough time, very sweet and kind of her, and i do want to do this.  i know it will be a good thing for me to get out and have a family thing with her and her 'boys'.

i'm just still tired. 

that was a thanksgiving i'll never forget.  we talked, we ate, we laughed, we watched movies, we were together and enjoyed it.  it was more than i hoped for or expected.  my d and i had some great dialogues about how living with her sister has affected us both (well, that's an ongoing topic, but we were able to cover some new ground, found some new understanding) and we're getting to know each other better on a personal level.

i couldn't have asked for more.  i feel better today than i have in quite awhile - i know it gave me a sorely needed boost.  thanks to the powers that be for a magical day.

 :cheer:

yeah, 3roses, like that. 

can't remember the heartbreak cry i mentioned before, but i had one this morning.  last nite i watched a show about the grammys, and my very favorite duet was shown.  streisand and neil diamond singing 'you don't bring me flowers anymore'.  exquisite, to my mind.

i didn't cry while i was watching it, but when i was explaining the song to my hub this morning, the sobs came.  dang, i don't know how long this will go on, but i let them come.  it was about how all my marriages began so wonderfully, i was treated so well, told beautiful things, promised a good life, from each of them, and then all those beautiful things either faded or were broken.

and i wept, sobbed, shivered, hugged myself, nearly in disbelief.  i'd trusted, believed, wanted, had faith in, and it was all shattered.  none of them came thru, some in more hurtful ways that others, but the results were the same.  just now the word 'betrayal' popped into my mind.  they all broke my heart by not following thru on what they told me.

i'm beginning to wonder how i still have a heart left.  how it's managed to mend itself to love and love again.  i don't know.  i would think it would've just given up by now.  and there's still more to come, more heartbreaks that i haven't acknowledged yet. 

so i continue to allow these triggers to pop the lid on my heartbreaks, and let the sobs wrack my body the way they should have all along, but never did.  i'm hoping, praying, wondering if this is the key to my constant weeping.  if this is really the way for me to go so i can begin seeing these loving gestures, or emotional situations and just be with them instead of the constant stifled crying.  i hope to heaven it is. 

 :grouphug: :bighug: to you san in these times of weeping. It sounds from the physical description you give of shivering that these are maybe being cathartic for you? I hope so.

"Betrayal" is a word that kept popping into my mind too re: FOO Standing with you here.

Quoteit was about how all my marriages began so wonderfully, i was treated so well, told beautiful things, promised a good life, from each of them, and then all those beautiful things either faded or were broken.

I really sympathise with you there, San. ^^ How harsh it is when you're over that abuse and realise how much had changed, how things seemed so wonderful at first but then as you said, it just went away and there was nothing you could do about it. It's sad. :(

San, I'm so glad you were able to enjoy Thanksgiving with your daughter and her 'boys' after all!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 23, 2017, 12:09:50 PM
  using them as pure escapism time after time can be addictive.  i do that sometimes ....

this seems to be working for me as a healing format, so i'll keep on with it.  there's a balance, which i think is very important.  and, now that i'm using them to identify heartbreaks, they are more of a recovery tool than ever. 

Wise words and realisation. I work on finding this balance too with reading, with doing crossword puzzles, being online, playing solitary games. When is it pure escapism? When is pure escapism actually beneficial? So almost a recovery tool. Can I allow myself that? You seem to be allowing yourself it!  :cheer: I'm happy for you.  :hug:

a.a., it is very sad.  that's why i'm finally grieving it - never have done that before.  but, all these realizations after all these years are all coming at me one after another right now, instead of being spaced like they should have been if i'd been able to express my emotions thru the years.  this is exhausting me.

i know it needs to come out, has been hurting my body cuz it's been held inside for all this time, but, dang, this is hard to continue managing to stay in one piece.  i'm not doing well with it today.  there's just been so much . . .

blueberry, these tears, yes, when i realize and allow the focus to be where it belongs, these tears are finally cathartic, they are finally tears with a purpose.  all that generic weeping/crying i've been doing for so long never felt like they meant anything, and i couldn't figure out why they were there all the time for anything that had to do with emotions/feelings.

now i'm able to put a reason to them after they begin (if i'm not already overwhelmed, altho like today, it's all hit me over the head like a sledge hammer, and i'm feeling pretty bad) and that makes a big difference.  i'm also not trying to hold them back, like i've always done becuz i was embarrassed and/or confused.

so, yeah, i'm allowing these triggers to help me determine what else it is i need to grieve.  i'm using the shows i watch as tools to help me recognize what is triggering those tears and why.   i don't know why anyone couldn't do that if they wanted.  i also don't know if it might be too much for some people, and this kind of thing might be better noted and taken into therapy with them. 

it's like when i first began getting in touch with my anger.  i could pound on the bed till the cows came home, but i wasn't really feeling much relief.  it wasn't till i focused on who and what i was angry at and about that the pounding began to be cathartic.  for me, the focus has been the key to make this emotional work meaningful.

so, today,  i'm like a limp dishrag, pretty shot.  woke up crying this morning.  i'm just overwhelmed with sadness.  i'm afraid of going back to depression, don't want to do that.  even on meds, they eventually failed me, and that's when i knew i had to take this into my own hands.  and it worked really well for quite a few years.

but, i'm feeling like this stuff is now boiling over.  i've been back here 6 months, and so much has happened.  even my d said something about it and how well i'm doing with it all.  today, i don't feel i'm doing well at all.  so overwhelmed.  i go see my t on tues., but that doesn't give me any hope at all.  i can't see how it will be productive.  she's not helping me with this, really.

i don't know.  just blathering on, getting it out.  deep breath.  sad eyes.  so much pain and sadness.  and my body is hurting so badly lately, i'm not sure what to do about that either.  there's a massage therapist who works in the same clinic as my t.  it just struck me yesterday that she takes medicare, so she may be an affordable resource.  i can't go on like this much longer. 

i can't even stand up straight anymore - 2/3 of my back is in pain now, tightened up from the tension of the surgery, and i haven't been able to un-tighten it.  it hurts a lot to cough or sneeze now, which hadn't been like that before when it was just my lower back.  so, i'm getting worse, getting to my wit's end.  i think today is a day to try a muscle relaxer, see if it helps.  possible a bit of mind relaxer as well.  i need a break.

thank you both for the hugs and sympathy.  love right back to you.

It's a very sad thing to have spent all these years being hurt like that. I've had hardships over the years more than the average person my age. But I can't imagine living decades of this over and over. San, you deserve anything cathartic. Whether tears, or a hug. You've always had, and always will.

:hug:

thank you, d.r.  so very sweet of you.  and, you're right, it's been the amount of time this has gone on without appropriate emotional expression, without any emotional relief, that is taking its toll.  still, i'm going downhill because of it right now, and if i don't do something, i'll drown.

the muscle and mind relaxers yesterday seem to have helped a bit.  lots of sleep, not so many knives stabbing me in the back (hmmm . . .  do i smell a metaphor there?  o my heart, i do!   death by a thousand cuts.)

i'll be looking into a massage therapist tomorrow, see if i can get some help that way.  i massage my muscles several times a day, but i can't do this by myself.  i just know, from past experience, how much it will hurt, and i'm not looking forward to that at all.  hopefully, she will eventually work out and will get to know me and my problems, and will be intuitive enough to know what my body needs.  is that too much to ask?  hahahaha!

anyway, a better day today.  i'm getting pretty doggone tired of this, tho.  one more time.

San, have you tried a soak in the tub with Epsom salt and lavender oil? https://www.seasalt.com/epsom-salt-uses-and-benefits

just got triggered in another post.  no fault of theirs, it's my own stuff, but man o man, this was a bad one.  i'm worn out now, but lots of crap was let loose.  too much pain.  i don't know.

your post just came while i was writing this.  thanks for the suggestion, 3roses.  unfortunately, since i've been a little girl, i have not liked baths.  tried bubble and whatever when an adult, too, they don't relax me.  never have.  neither do showers.  i wish they did - so many people speak of them so lovingly.  just a weirdo, i guess. 

that just brought more tears.  i wish i could be more like others, find this stuff relaxing, soothing, and such.  i really do.  crying too hard now, gotta stop.

Oh dear San I'm sorry..big hugs to you!

just in case you're not aware - an Epsom salt bath is medicinal. It's not to just soak in a tub - the salts actually act on sore muscles. More info in that link.

But if you don't enjoy baths you may not get any benefit...  :Idunno:

I wish I had suggestions for you - but since I don't here's a  :hug:

i'll take the hug, 3roses, and thanks so much.  i know that epsom salts are good for pain like that, i witnessed my elder d going thru that, having to take 2 baths/day, and she said it helped.

i think part of my reluctance here is also cuz it's a shared tub - other people use it.  i don't know, i don't feel comfy staying in that bathroom for very long.  i take the shortest showers in the house!  not that it isn't clean, cuz it is, but right now i'm just not comfy with the idea.  thank you for the suggestion, too.  i didn't mean to be abrupt.  i would've never thought of it.

maybe one day i'll get up my nerve.  we'll see.   :hug: back to you.

Hey San, hi there.

I'm in one of those days where I'm feeling extra shy expressing my emotional side here so often so I can't say much around here for now.But I thought I'd fight my awkwardness to at least give you a hug. You've done a lot for me and the others here — and I can't help but feel hurt when you're hurt.

:bighug:

i admire your courage, d.r., and truly enjoy that hug and your kind words.  thank you so much for putting it out there for me.  it's truly appreciated.

just waiting to get picked up for t.  we'll see what happens.  i've already had several scenarios run thru my head from a terrific breakthrough to me quitting.  not feeling quite as fried this morning, tho.  that's good.

Hoping that your visit with your T went well today. I am seeing mine in an hour so I am right there with you tonight. Here is a comforting hug full of hope, love, encouragement, and anything else you need.  :hug:

thanks so much, el.  that was swell.  i loved it, and i needed it all.  and it worked, too.

i was ready to walk if things hadn't changed today.  in the beginning, the session was the same - a lot of nothing.  then came a point where the speaking stopped and we both just sat there, looked at each other, she broke eye contact first, then i just kept looking at her clock.  i didn't say a word.

finally, she asked what was on my mind at that moment, and i said i was wondering where this was going, how was what we've been doing helping me. 

t - blah blah suggestions, here to validate, be another layer of support. 

me - i appreciate the support. (silence again)

t - you mean, as a therapeutic process? (the light bulb went on)

me - yes.  i'm a therapist, i know what to do for my clients, but i came here needing a therapist for me.  i can't do my own therapy.  this has felt directionless, i'm a mess, i need direction (or words to that effect).

t - ohhhhhhh!  you want to be told what to do!

me - yes.  i need guidance, direction, suggestions, whether they work or not, but i need therapy.  i need to heal from this, i've done all i know how to do, but i can't do it all for myself.

t - ok, now i get it.  thanks for the clarification.

me - i knew when i came today there would either be a breakthrough, or i was done.

t - well, this has been a breakthru.

and it was.  she took the reins, and i now feel like i'm in therapy.  i'd told her what i'd been doing about my 'heartbreaks', going into the depths to find out what my generic weeping has been about, that i'm exhausted.  so, no. 1 focus is on sleep.

well, that's a bucket of worms.  i've slept in chunks for nearly 50 yrs.  don't sleep more than 5-6 hrs./night, sometimes less.  she asked what i do when i'm up so early and can't get back to sleep, i told her i play on the computer.  yep, that is no. 1 out now.  visual usage drains the brain quickly, she told me, and my brain needs all the rest it can get.

so, no computer in the middle of the night, and also i'm to become mindful of the reasons for my wakefulness during the night.  i think i'm going to start a sleep journal for these 2 weeks (next time i see her), see what happens.  there are various reasons i wake up and can't go back to sleep, incl. bad dreams, bad thoughts after coming back from the john, bad pain waking me up and it's too uncomfy to lie there anymore.

so, we'll see what happens.  this feels like therapy cuz it's scaring the crap outta me not to have my go-to when i can't get back to sleep.  plus, i just thought of this, i'm also dealing with a different sunrise time than when in mexico.  different daylight triggers 1000 mi. south of here.  whew.

no wonder i'm screwed up re: sleep.  so much of it was from partying late into the night, having to get up early for work, nap after work.  that was in my 20's.  (just writing this down here).  30's - baby's hours.  no. 1 d was up at 5 every a.m., short naps - i went down when she did, and up in the middle of the night.  no. 2 d, up for feeding during the night, dealing with 2 little kids then, nap when they did. 

on mom alert during the night for sounds from the kids.  stopped getting quality sleep about this time.  when d no. 1 began having problems, i was worried about meds, again, on high alert all the time.  went 20 yrs. w/o being able to sleep profoundly at night, up at 5 to go to the gym for a while, always up to make their breakfasts, nap at 11. 

back to college in my 40's.  same as the rest, but now studying.  also trying to have a decent love life with my h, but that wasn't happening, didn't find out about all that, tho it had been ongoing from the beginning, until at least 10 yrs. into our marriage.  that was a nightmare.

50's, everything blew up, moved out, moved to mex. terrible nightmares.  rls had been discovered and this was when i first went on meds for sleep.  that was like heaven to finally be able to sleep, but everything else began getting in the way.  the nightmares were horrific, and the only way i could feel safe after i'd moved out of our house during the night was to distract my mind via computer.  i could play games for a few hours till the nightmare wouldn't come back.  then i could go back to sleep a couple of hours before it was time to go to work.

i eventually began falling asleep in my office during the afternoon while reading reports.  down to mex. at 53, i could sleep and wake on my own time, finally, but the nightmares were still there.  eventually got together with my hub, my schedule became his schedule cuz he was the one working.

the alarm went off at 5 in the morning.  i didn't feel sleepy till 10 or 11 at nite.  even if i slept thru, i was awakened too early.  my sleep cycle was disrupted for another 16 yrs.  these were my 60's.

so, now i'm 70, and am going to work anew on this.  is it even possible?  have no idea. 

wow, this helped me to write this down, have some organization to it.  starting tonite.  don't know how i'll do with it.  i have a feeling my body and brain have gotten into the habit of not being able to follow thru on natural sleep.  it's been so unnatural for so long.  we'll see.

so, i'm in therapy now.  it feels scary, but at least it feels like something is being done to help me.  that's a good thing.  finally. 

and awa-a-a-a-y we go!

I am so glad to hear there was s break thru! It is so great to see you starting to make progress with this  :cheer: :hug:

thanks, sweetie.  we'll see what happens with this whole sleep thing.

night no. 1 - very bad.  up at 3:19, bathroom and back.  made myself go back to bed, stayed till 4:41, back hurting so bad i couldn't lay anymore.  did some stretching which usually helps.  didn't turn the computer on till 5.  terrible pain.  just finished taking ibuprofen.  can't even lift legs without pain.  so, not good.

i'll do this experiment for the 2 weeks till i see her again.  i did this once with a doc who didn't want to give me my clonazepam anymore because of the addiction factor (i told him i knew i was already physically addicted, i didn't care, my being able to sleep was the most important).  anyway, went for the week before i saw him without taking any, got about 8 hrs. total sleep that week, looked pretty haggard when i walked into his office.  he never argues with me again.

this experiment may be the same, may be different.  i don't know, but i'll give it a shot.  we'll see. 

I am proud of you for trying this experiment  :hug: Good luck to you

san, the breakthrough at last! That's awesome!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

From further back:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 27, 2017, 04:31:14 PM
unfortunately, since i've been a little girl, i have not liked baths.  ..., they don't relax me.  never have.  neither do showers.  ...  just a weirdo, i guess. 

san, you are not a weirdo for not liking something! Either you plain don't like it (which is perfectly OK) or you're possibly even unconsciously avoiding a trigger, which would be more than OK as well as perfectly understandable.  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 28, 2017, 01:12:38 AM
i think part of my reluctance here is also cuz it's a shared tub - other people use it.  i don't know, i don't feel comfy staying in that bathroom for very long.  i take the shortest showers in the house!  not that it isn't clean, cuz it is, but right now i'm just not comfy with the idea. 

I can really identify here, though I'm lucky not to have the problem at my current place.

thanks, blueberry.  that was special to hear.

el, the breakthru may be short lived, as well as the experiment.  this morning's pain showed me that i don't think the sleep situation is the most important thing for me right now.  i can't focus on trying to sleep, tensing up because i can't, and having that tension take my back to new levels of pain.

so, i thought this, wrote my daughter about how it went during the night, how i couldn't lift a leg without pain while sitting, and she called, told me to dump this t.  like i've said before, i've been struggling with this thought anyway.  for my d to say it, just like that, showed me she had some pretty strong feelings about it.

ok, honestly now, i don't feel the connection i was hoping for.  i want to, desperately, but in my gut, it's not there.  i talked to my t this morning, told her what happened, and, again, it was like i was leading her to my water, instead of her leading me to it.  lots of stuff was said, including that she didn't know me, hasn't asked questions about me, hasn't been curious enough to want to know me, that, again, i didn't know how this was gonna work.

she said something about physical pain trumps trying to recover, and i reminded her that i've been in pain all this time and have still been able to begin grieving my heartbreaks, that what i'd asked for was healing and resolution (on the intake page) and that i felt like what i was doing was leading toward resolution, was moving toward the light at the end of the tunnel.

ohhhhhhh, she said, like another light bulb went on.  well, how many lightbulbs do i have to screw in for her before she sees me?  i'm sposed to talk with her tomorrow morning again, but i shouldn't be frickin' leading this therapy.  ok, feeling some anger now.  no, this isn't working, it just isn't.  she's a nice person, but i don't understand how her whispering 'yeah' every so often is productive therapy.

looks like i have to friggin' fire another one.  and, i'm on my own again.

sent an email to my doc that i need my back checked out.  hope for some resolution with that soon, one way or another.  i'm eating ibuprofens nearly every day now, and that's not right.  we'll see.

thank you, god, that you are all here.  i swear, i've come farther with so much of this stuff with you than with any t i've ever had, and i've certainly had my share.  i'm gonna look for a shaman, i think.  something non-traditional.  i'm non-traditional, not many t's are, so maybe someone outside the realm of tradition would suit me better.  we'll see.

I am so sorry to hear that, San. You deserve a T that you can immediately connect with, that helps guide you through healing. Lots of hugs and love to you my dear. You are always so strong, and resilient. I am proud of you for going through all of this so well.

i fired her last night.  i feel no sense of loss, no regret.  it had come to the point where i was feeling like i had to teach her, and that's not what i was paying for. 

so, onward.  i'm ok, peaceful.  thanks, el.  you're a doll.

I am glad you did that. It sounds like she has a lot of learning to do,which is definitely not your job. I am glad you are peaceful, San. 

 :bighug: :bighug: to san.

Sounds like the absolutely right decision. I bet it's a tough spot, but deciding is a relief. It's the right call.
I wish there was an abundance of highly experienced trauma therapists for us all to choose from... you're so full of insight and experience, and also knowledge about c-ptsd. Hard to find a T who'd top that.
And being a therapist must make it doubly complicated, I bet it'd require so much maturity and sensitivity from both. I hope you find one who has a big heart and solid confidence, able to see all your different sides.

el, i believe you are correct.   she missed too many direct statements i made, never formulated a treatment plan cuz she never asked questions to find out about me, my issues, my history - nothing of that.  like i said, directionless.  i finally told her she's never been curious enough to ask about me, get to know me.  she said she was curious, and i shot back - but not curious enough to ask.

i felt like i was leading, directing which way the therapy should go.  she told me she thought her job was to give me validation and support.  well, i get that here - what i needed from her was therapy.  she just seemed clueless to me, altho her description said she worked with ptsd and trauma.  i didn't see it one bit.  so, thanks for the affirmation, el. 

blueberry, loved those hugs.  thanks a bunch.

ah, it was kind of tough cuz she's a very nice person.  and, yeah, being a therapist myself, i know what i'd be doing in a session with a client, and i was looking for someone to do that for me.  her approach was completely opposite mine.  and thank you for those kind words.  that's very special for me. 

still feeling peaceful, tho.  this is different, but i'm still liking it.  like some of the intrinsic anxiety has been chipped away.  weird, actually, now that i think about it.  i'll take it, tho.

Well... maybe... I can't remember where, but I read in a book on trauma that one of the major things trauma-oriented therapy is aimed at is giving the traumatized person a sense of control. You chose. I think I'd feel good too, having made a good choice even if it's not an easy one. That's the antithesis of trauma, methinks.

methinks i agree with you, ah.  it came from a place of self-knowledge, sureness, and strength, now that i think of it.  a lot of that has been missing from my life because i had really no sense of self.  i guess i'm finding it at last.  still feels good.

Hey San, it turns out the break I had today reading is enough to make me feel ready to come here. Besides, the pain of missing this place is more painful than my own shyness.

I relate to finding people who want to help but can't offer much. Different people are needed for different people, and it takes effort to find the right match.

I've read somewhere in a book about influence about an analogy that describes people. Communicating with other people can be like visiting another country, another world. Each with their own culture, practices, traditions and beliefs. And I add — when you travel to somewhere you haven't before, you often discover something new.

Not every world is best for you, me and others. But maybe we'll find the right one someday. In the meanwhile, we from OOTS will stick around.

:hug:

glad you're back.  i miss you, too. 

i agree with you about each person being his/her/their own country.  we all have personal perspectives and worldviews, perceptions of and reactions to stimuli that is unique within ourselves.  i think that's why respect, which seems to be becoming a lost art, is so very important.  like respecting someone else's home when you go to visit, it's also important to respect that we are each our own little nation.

feeling frustrated today - had a spat w/ hub about a former friend, one i've eliminated.  i just want to remember that this is one of the reasons why i don't want to live with him anymore, and why i don't want to be in any kind of relationship with her anymore.  good reminders, but wish i didn't have to go thru it anymore.

i did write him about it, so that helped.  he's one of the people who just don't get it.  he can be very supportive, we speak every week, but stuff like this has always ended up in frustration for me.  i've had these few days of feeling peaceful, which i really liked, then i get disturbed by this old crapola, which i really don't like.

i guess i'll just have to let it run its course.  maybe i'll get some anger, sadness, other emotions up about this later today when i feel stronger.  i hate the feeling of making progress, then getting shoved back where i don't want to be again.  ugh.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 02, 2017, 03:30:03 PM
feeling frustrated today - had a spat w/ hub about a former friend, one i've eliminated.  i just want to remember that this is one of the reasons why i don't want to live with him anymore, and why i don't want to be in any kind of relationship with her anymore.  good reminders, but wish i didn't have to go thru it anymore.

:hug: :hug: As you said, it's good to be reminded that's why we reduce contact, also so we don't get  :hoovering: in again, but it can be frustrating and painful. Sorry you're going through this.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 02, 2017, 03:30:03 PM
i hate the feeling of making progress, then getting shoved back where i don't want to be again.  ugh.

I know, it's frustrating but the progress you made doesn't go away, it's just hiding somewhere out of sight, and it'll be back  :yes:

thanks, blueberry, and that's another pos. reminder you gave me.  i appreciate it.  these reminders can go in all different directions, can't they.  that's why i'm here - cuz i know there are good people here who will remind me from another angle.  love it!

 :bighug:

thanks for that wonderful hug, d.r.  when i see those i feel like i'm being brought in.  good feeling.

just have to put this down.  last night the curtain of illusion fell, all the illusion i kept as part of my story, my experiences (especially with men), and that i've used to get me from day to day for so long.  strong, purposeful tears fell as well. 

i was watching 'the bodyguard', and whitney houston singing the final song struck me in the heart.  'i will always love you'.  bittersweet memories are all i have, but no one true love to hold forever.  i've told myself so many stories about these great loves i've had in order to keep my head above water thru the years.  being loved like that was my lifeboat.

i see now, saw it last night, that most of my life has been an illusion.  i've had no inner critic, cuz i couldn't allow that and live, so i made up reasons for mistakes, flaws, and foibles that were acceptable enough to support what i see now as a very fragile self-esteem. 

i wasn't a perfectionist, but i was perfect, in my mind, could logically find the answer for anything/everything, and any flaws i acknowledged were perfect flaws, there to keep me from being boring (true perfection i saw as boring, predictable).  therefore, i saw myself as perfectly flawed, so there was nothing to criticize.

all this coincides with not having emotions/feelings.  i never felt self-hatred - nothing to hate.  didn't feel shame, rarely felt guilty about anything i did (a few exceptions here).  didn't feel happy, either, didn't feel loved, didn't feel humble, (all those accomplishments were expected of me, so i just did them, accepted that i did them, the accolades were nice but i didn't feel them as gifts, just as what was due me).

and on and on.  very little sense of reality about sums it up.  i made up my own reality, one that i needed, one i could live with, just passed it off as real.  i believed it with everything in me, tho, and spoke of it to others as if it were completely true.  i'd search for and find little clues in situations that i could spin to make what i wanted it to be a reality for me.   i can feel my mind spinning right now, attempting to hold onto what i'd believed.

my illusions, i guess, were my reality.  as that curtain went down last night, just fell to the floor from its rod, i found myself in truth.  we have an uneasy alliance at the moment.  i will inspect some of these elements more closely in the future, but i think i've come thru a doorway that had been closed and locked before last night.  for all the heartbreaks, all the losses of people in my life, whitney unlocked it when she sang 'i'm not what you need'. 

i'd always believed i was.  the reality is that i was just another person passing thru their lives, as they passed thru mine.  uneasy alliance, indeed.

I'm lighting a candle for you today, dear San. A physical symbol of the gratitude I feel for having "met" you. I have genuine affection for you, just as I know you have for all of us here. Let your earth mother spirit embraces hold yourself today, tightly and in high regard.

you hit me in the heart with your response, 3roses, and it felt like a gift of the utmost magnitude.  tears poured down my face still are, and the pain of this feeling of being loved - yeah, i'm feeling it, you unlocked another door here, you beautiful thing - is overwhelming and exhausting me.  i can't stop crying.

o my heart, the pain of accepting this is both terrible and wonderful at the same time.  like agony and ecstasy.  i want to stuff food in my face to dull this but i'm sitting here, typing instead, until it gets to a bearable level. 

i'm having the hardest time with this, accepting this, being with it, just allowing it.  i can feel it spreading throughout my body, out to my limbs, thru my veins, into my cells.  my heart just grew. 

earlier today, i was thinking about what i wrote, and one man came to mind.  he and i shouldn't have been for several reasons, but it was one of those things we didn't look or ask for, it happened simultaneously to both of us within 2 weeks.  he's the only man who ever made me feel beautiful, even as i was getting sick and puffing up.

he came over one day, i still had no makeup on, and when he came inside my apt. he looked at me and asked 'how do you do it?'  i was completely puzzled, i know it showed on my face, and asked back 'what?'  he said, so serious and so real 'how do you manage to be more beautiful every time i see you?'   that was someone who appreciated and 'saw' me, and i'm forever grateful to him for that.

a few weeks later, when my belly just exploded from being sick (it just blew up - in 2 weeks, i went from a size 8 to a size 14), i said to him 'i look like i'm pregnant!'.  he immediately put his hands on my belly (altho he knew i could no longer become pregnant) and there was a look of rapture on his face, in his eyes and smile, and he shouted 'it's mine'.  it didn't matter to him, who had often boasted to his friends about how i looked, and showed me off to them, that my body was no longer what it had been.

this man did for me in that instant what neither father of my 2 daughters ever did, made me feel like they should have done.  and i thought of that today, and it felt so warm and gentle and soft, and i knew it was real.  those feelings were real, from his depths, and because of that i could feel them, too. 

so, i garnered his love and acceptance (he was the one man who allowed me to be angry and stayed gentle with me) today, and now this.  this is no illusion, that was no illusion.  these feelings i can feel all over.  i guess this is my day to finally know what it feels like to feel loved.  i'm in awe of it.  thank you.

if i had a printer, i'd print this out to send these vibes into my room 24/7.  as it is, i'll just reread this, something i don't normally do when i write here.  usually i write to get it out of me, and it's done, gone into the universe to be taken care of.  this time is a keeper.  i don't ever want to forget this, want to remind myself so i can feel this over and over.

not the agony part - that's subsiding as i keep typing.   but the warmth of this loving feeling that i haven't been able to capture before.  i've got it with me now.  this is no illusion, this is not something i'm making up.  this was so real it hurt, still does, but it's a pain of surgically removing a blockage.  o my heart and soul. 

time to put clothes away and shower off the vestiges of that curtain.  i'm sure i'll find more as i keep looking behind this door.  i've felt love from my hub and my d before, but i think this will help me be able to sustain it, know it.  he was the other man who, once when we were talking about what it would've been like if i'd been able to get pregnant, lit up, his eyes, his whole face glowed at the prospect of me carrying his baby. 

both those men are mexican.   both those men gave me rare gifts i hadn't gotten anywhere else.  and feeling this is part of you unlocking this door, 3roses.  thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Hey, San, can't say much since I'm in a bad place. But I want you to know that you're an amazing person.  :bighug:

d.r., you don't even know how much you've just added to my day.  thank you so.

That man who made you feel beautiful, SanMagic, that's because he recognised the beauty in you.  I agree with D.R. that you are an amazing person.   :hug:
Hope  :)

hope, you're another one on my list who has made me feel.  such kindness.  i appreciate it so much.  thank you.

i'm pretty crashed today.  very low energy. 

 :hug:

still mostly kicking back.  rough night, bathroom jaunts nearly every hour for several hours.  i like to think i was getting rid of toxins from the mind work i've been doing. 

but i've been rewriting my book, have been spending more time and energy on it lately, and that feels very good.  my d's an editor and publisher, has given me some tips that have been very difficult to implement because alexithymia doesn't allow for creativity except as a solution to a problem.  this is my first shot at a novel - i've written lots of stuff without problems.  this has brought a whole boatload of new challenges.

so, that's what i've been keeping myself busy with for now.  i'm still doing my therapeutic techniques to help resolve some issues, and i think they're helping.  i haven't felt so weepy in more than a week.  i was even able to get thru an emotional conversation w/ my d without just breaking down.  that shows progress - i wouldn't have been able to do that 3 mos. ago.

she keeps me at arm's distance - i can feel it, and it keeps me on edge.  it's like i'm afraid of intruding on her space and time if i call her, so if i have something to say, i usually just email her.  i told her about the intrusion bit, she asked where that came from cuz she's told me that i can call.  i said, but you never said 'mom, you're never an intrusion' and she kept quiet.  she couldn't/wouldn't say that.

so i told her that i've heard her talk about her friends that way at times, that they want to have more contact with her than she wants, and that i didn't want to be a mother who calls her d and the d rolls her eyes and says 'it's my mother - again.'  told her that i feel like i have to walk on eggshells around her with this.  then i told her that it was coming from her.

she admitted she was like that, some of it was because of her nc sis who was continually calling and texting and wanting all her attention. but she didn't know or wouldn't say why she wouldn't just bring me into her fold.  it's rather an uneasy feeling for me, something i have no way of resolving.  so i stay out of her way as much as i can, when all i want is for us to be closer. 

i don't feel like i can depend on her, cuz i don't get a blanket statement.  she's extremely logical, prides herself on that, and one time when i was still in mex., going thru a rough patch, i asked her to never leave me.  she hemmed and hawed, said she couldn't promise that cuz she didn't know what the future would bring, stuff like that.  really, no emotionality behind it.

eventually she said it, but i think it was just to shut me up, stop me from crying - i was a wringing mess during that conversation.   this is why i still feel like i have to rely on myself always, even tho she's been there for me as much as she's been able to.  it just doesn't have a concrete feeling about it, like any minute she may change her mind, move with her roomies, and i'll be left here. 

their lease is up in may, and they don't like where they're living.  they all want to live closer to the water.  if they move, i don't know that i'll be included.  this is the first time i've mentioned this, allowed it to be tangible enough to write about it.  i'm worried and afraid, which is also new to me.  things like the future never bothered me before.  i always believed that whatever happened, i'd deal with it.

i know that's the reality but now that i'm older and sick, it feels very different.  my ll is as old as me and works her butt off, and i'm also worried that something's going to happen to her and this place will no longer be available to me, and i don't know what i'd do. 

well, i guess it was time for this to come out.  my chest hurts.  i'm scared, but i think i'm also mad at her for dangling me like this.  i never wanted to be a burden to either of my kids when i got old, but i guess i just took it for granted that one of them would step up if i needed them.  i think i goofed.

not to say she would leave me homeless, but, again, at a distance.  it's unnerving to me to feel like this.  i've not had the experience of feeling unsure about myself and my future before now.  i don't like it.  i'm too old for this kind of crapola.  well, this went in a direction i wasn't expecting. 
 

San, just want to send you a hug here. It is a very hard feeling to deal with, knowing that we want something more than what others might be willing to give, all the intimacy and warmth, and a feeling of home. The feeling of "homelessness" may not necessarily mean that there is not a place to reside; it could also be that we don't have someone we believe that will never leave us in the middle of nowhere. It's difficult, all the fear about the unknown future, and that is natural, having nothing to do with age; we could end up anywhere, there's no guarantee where that is any point down the road. It's alright to feel that way. Send you a big warm hug.

San, I wish there was some way to help more practically, but I still want to send you some hugs. I hope you get some answers soon, and good luck on your novel! :grouphug:

camille, thanks for the 'permission' to feel this way.  yes, you're absolutely right, it's really just a matter of wanting different things.  i raised her to be independent, and she certainly is that.   i just never thought i'd be in this position, feeling this neediness.  i've never had it before, because i was so independent myself.  now, it just feels awful because i'm so sick, old, in pain (which drains my spirit) and have to rely on others for transportation (left my car in mex., and where i live now there's no public trans.) 

it just has added up,  i agree with your take on feeling 'homeless', too.  had to leave my home and some of my heart in mex. when i left.  3rd home i've left over the years.  it adds up and frightens me.  i've nowhere left to run.  maybe some of this move is still catching up to me, and overwhelms me every so often.  it's not even been 7 mos.   a big warm hug back atcha.

elise, those hugs were wonderful, as were your wishes.  they made me smile.  thank you very much, and hugs back to you.

 :hug: :hug: :big hug:

Sorry that is all I have tonight. Hopefully I can respond better tomorrow. Lots of love dear

 :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

I'm in a similar situation with Elpha here. That's all I can muster with all the confusing feelings and stress I'm under right now.

Well, take care, San.

el and d.r., those hugs were wonderful and important in their own right.  i appreciate the effort it took to respond with what you're all going thru right now.  thank you very much.  hugs back to you.

Sending you  :bighug: :bighug: too, san. This evening the first time I could read your long post and comprehend what you're saying.

It's really tough when you realise there aren't any FOO members who'll stay with you, help you when you're down and be unequivocal about it. Those realisations going on for me this year too. I was told last year by a T that it looks as if nobody in my FOO is doing well or is stable so that could explain why nobody is willing to stand with me or stand up for me. That's all I can manage too and Idk if helpful. If not, ignore as usual.

Hope it helped you to write at least.  :grouphug:

what you wrote was also very helpful, my dear.  yes, my d is riddled with anxiety, her move here did not go the way she wanted it to, she's had to make a lot of adjustments, and she's been disabled for 6 mos., culminating in surgery - no job, no money coming in.  so, that makes sense - she can't be concrete with me when her own world has been riddled with earthquakes.

thank you.  it's a perspective i forgot, but it fits to a 't'.

in its way, and selfishly thinking about it, it sucks, tho.  for you, too, i mean.  no one to rely on, and unequivocally is the perfect word there.  i know she does her best for me, but, and i know this is my issue, it lacks the reassurance i'd like, something i can lean on if/when i get worried.   feels like i have to tread water at times without knowing if a boat will definitely be on the horizon in time.

i think this is where faith comes in.  i thought of this earlier today.  i just need to have faith that if i need something, truly need it, it will be there.  i actually had an example of that today.  i do have people around me that will help with the slack if necessary.  i just need to learn that i won't have everything i want exactly the way i want it, but substitutes can still save the day.

love and hugs to you.     :bighug: :bighug:

Hey San, I think I understand what you mean by faith. The opposite of fear is not fearlessness, it's acceptance. it's an openness. An embrace.

Not naive optimism or arrogance, but simply a trust that even if it's not perfect, there'll still be good things to come, won't it? Not everyday is a good day. But there's good in everyday.

:hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 10, 2017, 12:32:57 AM
i think this is where faith comes in.  i thought of this earlier today.  i just need to have faith that if i need something, truly need it, it will be there.  i actually had an example of that today.  i do have people around me that will help with the slack if necessary.  i just need to learn that i won't have everything i want exactly the way i want it, but substitutes can still save the day.

:yeahthat: In fact way back when I was really unstable and had also just found 12 Step groups there was that saying "I can't fall deeper than into my Higher Power's hands." That actually really helped me then. I wasn't brought up with religion either. It was a new idea. Having faith is a bit like that maybe? Except you have faith in other people rather than some deity.

d.r. and blueberry, all i can say is thank you right now.  while i've been able to respond to some others, i haven't been able to come here and respond for myself.

another doc visit, x-rays, more pain.  he thinks i may have soft bones, and a compression fracture in my spine.  i don't know about that.  but, right now, i just can't be with it here.  don't know what's blocking me from my own journal.

No problem, San. Take your time.

No problem! I respond to you for you for when you're ready and not to put you under additional pressure.  :bighug:

i am in so much pain, mental, emotional, and physical.  finding out that i've been walking around all these years with a broken back has clunked me in the head so very hard.  i just don't know how much more of this i can take.

all the manipulations from the x-rays yesterday have really exacerbated my back pain.  i'm exhausted on all levels, slept a lot today, can barely respond to anyone (something i love doing), and feel like my spirit has taken a big hit.  i just want to make it thru christmas, have a lovely christmas with my d and the boys.

last year at this time. i didn't think i would make it to this christmas, that's how so very sick i felt already.  it was why i made an effort to travel here to be with her - first christmas with her in 16 yrs.  i did it because i thought it would be my last one.  it took me over 3 weeks to recover from that trip.

recover is very subjective here.  i just keep finding more things wrong with my body, more pain.  i'm so tired of the pain, but no relief in sight.  took gabapentin today, the newest prescription.  it's an anti-epileptic, supposed to quiet the brain down from sending all these pain signals out.  last time i took something like this, i ended up with what felt like cannonballs crashing into the side of my head from the inside.  stopped them after 3 days.

i don't know, truthfully, how much longer i can hold on, keep putting one foot in front of the other.   my d would understand if i finally got too tired to go on.  we've talked about it.  i know she's worried about me.  i'm not planning anything right now, but i already told my ex-t that death would be a relief, and i'm looking forward to it. 

i can't even write on my book right now, can't focus for the pain and the lethargy of just wanting to be still so it doesn't hurt so much.  dang, i hope this ends soon.    love and hugs all around.

I am so very sorry that you are in that much pain. It sounds horrific. I hope that the meds help and that something down the road will work for you.

MR

It's alright if you can't respond to us, San. It must be really painful to be so exhausted in so many ways all the time. I hope you can find even the slightest bit of comfort from the warmth around here. Take it slow, and we'll be right here.

:hug:

I am sorry you are in so much pain. Hopefully, that's medication can help you not be in pain as much. I wish that I could help, or had more words to say. You know how dearly I care for and cherish you. I do truly consider you a sister, and love you. I am sending you as much comfort and peace as I can

Sounds like you're going through an extremely painful time. I'm so sorry... all the layers of pain one on top of the other, it must be exhausting. I hope you're sound asleep right now. No need to write a word or be there for others, we'll be there for you.

Btw, re. gabapentin, I got it in the past and it made me really lethargic. It absolutely did help with neuropathic pain, not so much with orthopedic pain like you may now have in your back (?), plus it took a while to kick in. I really hope you were given something very fast acting too, till gabapentin starts working.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 14, 2017, 02:04:54 AM

i don't know, truthfully, how much longer i can hold on, keep putting one foot in front of the other.   my d would understand if i finally got too tired to go on.  we've talked about it.  i know she's worried about me.  i'm not planning anything right now, but i already told my ex-t that death would be a relief, and i'm looking forward to it. 

I think that's very realistic, and wise. Not in a suicidal way - passive or active or anything - but... the ability to look at life straight in the face, without blinking. Death can sometimes be a relief. When I have very strong pain I sometimes think of death as a kind friend, not an enemy to be afraid of. You have every right to be too tired to go on, and if will decide that you are that's 100% your choice, but I hope it won't happen any time soon because you have so much to do yet. I hope the pain lets you go enough to get back to your book.

I wish I could sit with you in silence, share with you my pain meds, get you cups of tea every few hours, make sure you're completely tucked in under the covers, and wait with you till the pain changes. I hope it does very, very soon.

 :grouphug:    :bighug:      :bighug:

Hi SanMagic,
I am really sorry to hear that you're suffering so much pain at the moment - you talked of having walked with a broken back all these years, and that was such a powerful statement - I wondered 'how could anyone be so strong to have done that?' - you have been walking under such pain and you've been carrying so much emotional baggage along as well - literally a heavy load on your poor body. 

I really hope that you can get some pain-relief, and also some peace and tranquility - and respite from that pain.  Sending you some soothing vibes to help - a very gentle hug  :hug: - and hoping that you have a good night's sleep and can dream of something lovely.  Maybe a sunset in a lovely place where you feel light and free of pain, and can enjoy light and laughter.

Hope  :)

 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :hug: :hug:
San.....my friend, I've found you at long last. :bighug: 💖💞💕❤️🌈💞💖♥️

The Bodyguard is my all time favorite love story.  That love between Whitney and Kevin was far beyond romance. It was the kind of love where you freely give your life for the other person. Kevin Costner was the only white man officially invited to her funeral and asked to speak. Her family knew that they shared a Love off screen as well. It was unfortunate that they couldn't have been together IRL. She would still be alive today.

San, that gentleman in Mexico who saw your true beauty...he is a man after my own heart.  I love how he loved you when your belly was blown up.  He saw you the same way I look at women.  I look at their hearts, and see their true beauty. I see yours, and you take my breath away.
You truly are an amazing woman and friend.

still alive, still in pain, trying a double up on the pain meds, see if that helps.

you all are great painkillers, too - just want you to know how comforting and soothing it's been to hear from you.  i'm pretty out of it, so more later.  love and hugs all around.

Good luck my dear. Sending any comfort and help that I can  :hug: :hug:

 :grouphug: :hug:

 :grouphug:

 :grouphug:

was able to write a bit in some journals, but i'm wiped out again.  dang.  just worn out.  i've been feeling like i've let everyone down by not posting responses, but i just don't have the energy.

to all of you sending me pos. energy, love, caring, kindness, and those beautiful hugs, thank you.  maybe someday i can address each of you personally.  just know that you and the gifts you've given me are so very appreciated.  love and hugs back to you all.

San, don't worry about not replying when you need time. Just take your time and take care of yourself. You are not letting anyone down by doing that; quite the opposite, when you take notes about how you put yourself first, that also gives me courage too. Sending you a big warm hug.

Hi, San. It's alright.

While I haven't been in the fawn response much myself (And one of the major reasons I went on this forum is to practice that intense lack of it.), I heard of something that can calm the need to always help.

You see, it's this reminder that making the world a better place — as cheesy as it sounds — isn't something you put all the weight on yourself alone. When you need rest, there'll still be others that can support others. When they need rest, there'll also be others too.

When I feel something like this, it's comforting to count one by one the types of other kindness in smaller communities where I am or the world. Even big shots like millionaire philanthropists don't do it alone — where are they without the farmers who harvest their meals, the employees who carry out their work, their friends and family who support them, the factory workers in a far off country that create their clothes, the authors who wrote the books they've read, the teachers they've had and the teachers of those teachers and so on. . . .

There's not a single person in this world who's truly independent.

So I hope you take it easy San. Take it easy.  :hug:

Dear sister of mine, don't worry about not replying when you don't have energy. Just know we are all here rooting for you, and are full of understanding. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself the way you are kind to all of us  :hug:

Don't you worry, San! You take care of yourself, first. Everything rise is a distant second.  :hug:

 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

Andy  :phoot:

Big hugs to you from me too, SanMagic.   :hug:
Hope  :)

you're all so beautiful!  i hope you can see in yourselves a glimmer of what i see. 

not so much pain today.  took myself off the anti-convulsive meds, they weren't doing anything.  taking back my power in this.  one more doc who wouldn't listen.  we are not dummies when it comes to what's going on with us!  argh!!!

the new star wars movie has some good messages, especially that love trumps hate.  i still believe this beast will be beaten thru love.  to that end, you are all in my prayers every night, and i'm sending love to everyone.  you so deserve all the love you can get, especially from yourselves.

i am very angry at something that happened here where i live - don't want to confront cuz i'm afraid i'll blow a gasket.  instead, i'm staying as away as i can, just doing my thing, keeping to myself as much as possible.  it was a boundary violation.  i'm now on alert, and i hate that i have to feel that way.   i though this was a safe place to live.

i'm not in danger, but my privacy is no more.  sucks.

thank you all for the hugs and well wishes.  you are all angels sent to me, of that i have no doubt.

Sorry to hear the violation of your privacy. That is not okay what so ever. But i can relate to not wanting to stir the hornest nest.

Wishing you the best.

Hi San. It's really tough how professionals can sometimes not listen to feedback from their own patients. It's comparable to a restaurant owner who don't ask for feedback on how much their customers enjoy their food. The general knowledge of how people's treatments are of a doctor and the personalized knowledge of how the individual is need to be combined.

I've been reading the history of autism lately and the man who discovered it — Hans Aspeger — reminds me of how doctors could be. He'd judge his patients not through singular tests or short sessions but how they are throughout their lives. He'd continually update his views on those who he was examining rather than just on first impressions, which all people, not just doctors, can do better to emulate.

I'm sorry for the lack of privacy too. I hope the love you see here could make you feel better.  :hug:

thank you so much, sceal.  yeah, sometimes it's best just to pound the bed, and let it go as much as possible. 

d.r., i do feel better with the love from here.  it's remarkable what this place has done for me. 

asperger sounds like a healer, of which there are not enough in the 'healing' professions. 

so, new life in me today.  have been writing, want to get a readable draft finished by the new year so my d can read it.  i'm hoping her publishing co. will be able to use it.  something to keep me going, keep me caring.  also something that might help her out financially, which would be good.  fingers crossed.

have been working on getting these obsessive thoughts about my ex put to rest.  dang, he keeps popping into my head, and i have nothing but dark thoughts about him.   am tired of ruminating about him like that, tired of feeling so hateful about the injustice, that no one else knows and they all think he's this grand guy. 

i've written lots to and about him that's never been sent.  haven't explored the 'letters of recovery' section here at all.  maybe it's something that would help.  i'll have to think about it.  i have hesitated about going there, and i'm not sure why.  i think i'm avoiding all the pain that i'd see in those letters.  they feel like they'd be overwhelming to me, yet i don't know exactly how to write one to him in that section.

o, i can check out the guidelines.  brilliant.

time to go.  up early this morning.  need to eat and sleep.

San,

Hope sleep was restful and dreams sweet.  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Andy :phoot:

thanks, sweetie.  big hug back to you, always.

 :hug:

even tho i'm looking forward to this holiday, i find myself extremely anxious.  i want to do so much today to get ready, and i'm not sure i'll be able to accomplish everything.  i know my d won't care if i don't do any of it - she's very reassuring and comforting to me that way.  still, having a deadline like this for getting things done does me in anymore.

because it's food prep, it all has to be done last minute.  trying to calm myself right now saying that what i am able to do is enough, the rest isn't important.  i know that logically, but my chest is tight so i know some part of me isn't buying it.  part of it is that i haven't cooked in so long, it's scaring me.  just that realization has brought tears to my eyes.

i used to make turkey dinners with ease.  now, even tho everything is prepared, just have to put a turkey breast in the oven for a couple of hours is scaring the crapola out of me.  i'll have her help me.  dang, i hate losing this kind of thing, something i didn't think twice about. 

i also have the hole in my mother heart where my other d belongs but is no longer present.  now the tears came for real.  this pain will never end, especially at this time of year.  my daughter is not dead, yet i have to hold her dead to me.  i don't know how to do that without sobbing and feeling miserable.

still, because of the madness my no. 2 d had to live thru because of her sister, i have to hide this from her.  she suffers as well, has suffered most all her life because of the situation.   i have to be there totally for her now, while i'm aching inside.  this is what xanax was made for, i guess.   time to live better thru science.  i just hate that i'm reduced to this, tho.

i'm glad i wrote this down, let it out.  i know i was attempting to ignore it, not give it its due, but it's better that i did acknowledge it.  i feel a bit calmer now.  it just hurts so badly.   time to get started.

i made a horrible/monumental breakthrough today.  there are ads on tv about 'edible arrangements', a bouquet of fruit.  when my d got one from friends last mar., i told her that was something i'd always wanted cuz they looked so great.  i've been seeing the ads lately, and even thought that if i had the money, i'd get one to bring to christmas dinner.

well, my d sent me one today, and i became overwhelmed.  she was on the phone with me, and i started sobbing so hard i couldn't stop, couldn't speak, had to hang up.  kept on crying and crying, and i didn't know exactly why.  usually i cry cuz i'm overflowing with happiness about something, like i can't contain the beauty of it, so it spills over, but this was different. 

this was coming from a place deep inside me, near my soul.

she called back in a bit to check up on me, and i was still crying.  i couldn't stop, sobbed to her that i didn't know what was going on, couldn't figure out what i was feeling.  it did not feel like happiness at all.  it was very dark and dreadful.  i kept crying, pouring my heart out to her, apologizing to her that she had to listen to this, and she, as always, was patient and kind and gentle with me.

what finally came bubbling up, like tar bubbling up at the tar pits in la brea, was the message 'i don't deserve this'.  never in my life had i felt that, that i know of.  i'd guarded my perfect self by not allowing guilt, shame, or unworthiness, no matter what the situation or what i'd done.   it just had never been there before.  it was horrible.

i blurted that out to her, she immediately said that she believed i deserved it, and i told her that i never got that impression as a little girl.  in fact, one of my most miserable times with my dad was at christmas.  a few weeks before, i must've been 6 or so, he sat me on his knee and asked me if i'd been a good girl that year.

well, i knew what that meant.  the good kids got presents from santa, the naughty kids got coal.  i struggled with this question so mightily, because i was honest to a fault - literally, at that age.  i couldn't say that i'd been a good girl because i knew i'd done some naughty things, but i couldn't say i'd been a bad girl because of those terrible consequences.  i sat on his lap and suffered because i couldn't say anything.

to this day, i don't believe i was ever able to answer that question, seemingly so simple to most kids, who'd have a ready answer of 'yes' to blurt out, taking it all in a spirit of fun.  but to me, this kind of thing seemed deadly serious, and i was in such turmoil, i think he finally just let me go cuz i couldn't say a word.  that's one of the worst memories of my young life.

this was similar.  it was so painful to me that i'd gotten exactly what i wanted out of love from my d, but so frickin' painful, i couldn't feel any happiness about it.  i even told her that i've heard people here talk about not deserving, not being worth anything, and i didn't know how they lived their lives with that pain.  i still don't. 

the next one that came up (like i was puking) was that i felt ashamed for feeling like that.  ashamed that i was unworthy of such a gift.  holy crapola.  more tears, whispers - i couldn't even say it out loud.  part of this was struggling to even recognize what i was feeling.  the struggle was just as painful as the admission.  i told her thank you, cuz that's what i was taught to say, but that it would take me a while to actually feel my worthiness.

told her that this all started last nite.  watching 'will and grace', and she told him that she'd been really hurt cuz he and another guy laughed at her, that she deserved an apology.  he said 'sorry you feel that way.'  she said again, she was serious, they should've never done that, he said 'sorry you took it like this'.  she blew up on his butt, told him that the word sorry was in those sentences, but there was no accountability, no admission of wrongdoing, that there really was no apology.

then i said to her that i'd had so many of those pseudo apologies like that, and i never called anyone on them (most of those came from my narc ex, my d's father, who she doesn't want me to talk badly about cuz she still wants a relationship with him, so i didn't mention any names.  she mentioned that her sister did stuff like that, and that both she and i had done that with nc d/sister.

i said, no, when i apologized for something, i took responsibility for my actions, but that the 'two of them' had done that over and over to me, and i never called them on it.  i think she knew who i meant, and i apologized to her for her having to hear this from me.  i did say that when i moved to mex., i knew people would be angry, and narc d accused me of leaving cuz of her, and i lied, said it was a bunch of things and i was running for me life, but i never apologized to anyone for it.

i have apologized to this darling d that i was sorry i left her to have to deal with the rest of that family situation, but she says she understands that i had to do what i had to do.  she said it sucked, but that she understands now.  so, i have this beautiful gift, something i've wanted since i've seen it advertised, and all i can feel is unworthiness and shame.  what a time for these feelings to make themselves known.

still, they've been buried under my 'perfect' being for so long, they were bound to come out sooner or later.  this may be part of my weeping over stuff like that, only it never made itself manifest in the reality of my consciousness before.  at least now it's up here and i can do what needs to be done. 

maybe that's why i've been a validation junkie for so long.  i've never really felt i deserved the praise and kind words from people, so i shoved them aside, all the while hungering for more.  the hole that is never filled.  maybe this is the bottom of it, and i can begin to work my way up to some middle place that is real, instead of an illusion.

i remember someone asking me why i felt i was a fraud.  this is exactly why, altho i couldn't explain it cuz i didn't have the recognition of my feelings.  dang, i have a stiff neck from the tension.  i'm just gonna feel bad for tonite and put on a happy face tomorrow.  she and i will go shopping, wrap gifts, cook dinner, and i know it's brought us one step closer to each other.  but, am i even worth that?  can i trust it, even tho she said she has no plans for it to be otherwise with us.  this neediness is horrifying to me.   

and i had a dream about one of the men i believed i spun truths out of hints before, and when i woke up, i knew he had visited me, the truth was between us, and he'd simply made me doubt myself.  i know that what i believed is true, but he won't admit it - instead he turned it on me as if i was making something up.  gaslighting?  guess i'm glad i'm out of it,  i wish he'd stop visiting me in my dreams, tho.  on the other hand, he's helped me realize i wasn't making it up.  it was all true, even if he wouldn't cop to it.  even a non-relationship can be a nightmare!  dang, and more dang.

i'm out of them all, now.  i do wish i would get laid just one more time before i die.  it's always ended badly with my hubs, especially this present one.  i still have a longing, tho.  whether that'll ever happen, i don't know.  but a girl can dream, right?   lol!  just one good, magical night.  it would be closure.  what a thing to end with. 

 Wow! These are some deep revelations. I hope you get some mellow down time to recover! 🌷🌻🌹🌸

Hey San, I don't know about the others. But I think you do deserve love and connection. And a Merry Chirstmas too — full of celebration, lightheartedness and presents. But if you need the present of acceptance and being there for you rather than something more energy expending, then I'll give you that.

My words are my gift to you this holiday season. So take care, San. :hug:

San, I believe you deserve all the love and appreciation people give you. But I also understand how it feels, that it can feel easier to deal with harsh words than kind ones, that all compliments don't feel real, and only the opposite sticks. I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. You deserve that gift your d sent you; you deserved gifts from Santa when you were the little girl. I always believe gifts are showing love from people who sent them, so there is no requirement or "test" you need to pass to accept them, just as there shouldn't be a barrier to accept that someone loves you. I hope in the end this revelation you are breaking through will help you. Please take care. You are in all my wishes.  :hug:

 :bighug:
I have no words tonight. but I wanted you to know I'm listening.

3 roses, i loved the teeny tiny flowers.  i had to put my reading glasses on to see what those little symbols were.  when i realized, they sang straight to my heart.   thank you ever so.

d.r., thank you for the gifts.  i know what your words mean.  i appreciate them a lot.

camille, thank you for your caring and understanding.  it was such an uncovering for me, one that i'd never consciously realized before.    i've always gotten gifts, always thanked the giver, but the idea/concept of 'deserving' just didn't relate to me cuz i wasn't able to relate to it.  i just accepted, like i accepted everything else in my life.  no questions asked.

sceal, thank you so for that wonderfully embracing hug.  you pulled me right in, and i loved it.

so, the day after christmas, and i'm war-torn in a way.  i had a wonderful time with my d and her roomie, i cooked turkey dinner for the first time in more years than i can say, and it turned out beautifully.  we enjoyed, we laughed, we watched movies 'muppets treasure island' and 'zorro' and loved both of them all the way through. 

and we had gifts on both christmas eve and christmas morning.  again, i got a gift from my d that completely blew my head off its mooring - and that's really kind of how i still feel, like my boat is adrift.  she gave me a cell phone, the first i've ever had, and i cannot wrap my head around it.  i'm totally freaked by it, and can't even write anymore about it.

we had a white christmas on top of everything, the first i've seen in nearly 20 years, big fat flakes on christmas eve, and we felt like we were in a snowglobe.  it was marvelous.  plus, a fire in the fireplace, with real wood and such a fabulous smell.  a storybook christmas. 

the rest of my emotions/feelings i don't know about.  i'm tired today, still overwhelmed, still processing.  2 gifts that left me speechless.  that's only happened one other time in my life - i got the diamond ring on my 50th birthday that i'd wanted since i was 17.  all this and emotions, too.  i am blessed.

hoping everyone makes it thru the holidays intact, and that next year gets a bit easier to navigate.  it's been a roller coaster this year for so many of us, me included.  love to you all.

Sounds like you had a wonderful Christmas celebration.
Sometimes those joyous times can leave you quite breathless afterwards, and with a painful longing that's hard to wrap your head around.
I just hope that you are able to collect these memories and gather them with you next time you feel vulnerable, lost and alone. To know you have people in your life that greatly apprechiate your company.

Best of wishes to you, dear!

san,  :grouphug: :bighug:

sceal, what a lovely suggestion, and one that i'll keep with me.  thank you. 

blueberry, as always, thanks so much for those great hugs. 

love all around.

It sounds like a lovely time you had there -- especially after all the pain you've experienced recently. Movies, love and snow. Classic joys.

I never really saw snow before in real life, except for that one time as a kid that I visited America. The weather's too hot where I am.  I wonder what it'd be like if I joined there.

Well, I'd probably be too used to the heat to enjoy it. Heh.

:hug:

San
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

Glad your Christmas was beautiful! Such heartfelt gifts, and snow even. My Kids and w and MIL had a good Christmas. 

As for your magical wish...I do hope it comes true. Oh San, I want that for you so so very much.

I know exactly what you were talking about, that emotional breakdown with the edible arrangement. I experienced that too. But not for edible arrangement, and not even for myself. It was my last year of high school, and a girl I knew had invited me to her b-day party...was one of 5 guests invited. Right after she blew out the candles(16) I broke down and cried like a baby. Told them I thought it was just beautiful and wonderful. And told them that I never had a party like that. That was the last good cry I had....25 years ago. Well...that was the only good cry I ever had.

:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

Andy :phoot:

here's to more good cries in the future, andy, just as many as you need.  it sounds like you'll have some toxins to get rid of next month, so cleansing tears could be a really good thing.

thanks for your warm wishes, too.   always appreciated.  and your hugs.

been working on writing, hoping to get the book readable by the new year so my d can determine if her pub. co. will take it on.  that was the intent of this book in the first place - to help her become financially independent thru her publishing, writing, editing, etc. rather than an office job, which is very difficult for her to maintain.  so, fingers crossed and prayers flying that it's any good at all.

otherwise, i've got the slows now, the after christmas letdown, and i'm ok with that.  there's nothing else i have to do, actually.  tennis is beginning again, so i'm looking forward to that.  paying doc bills.  little things.

still contemplating that new phone.  i think i'm coming closer to having it activated, but not quite yet.  i know my hub is really anxious for me to get going on it, but i asked him to be patient, and he's doing a good job at it.   i've never been one to embrace technology as it comes down the pike, still don't use a microwave here, only ever had one for about 3 months the entire time my d's were growing up.  i do not trust the wave energy coming out of any of these things.

same with the phone.  when i turned it on, i thought i might do something simple like set the clock.  lo and behold, i touched the button for the clock, and it showed me the correct time without me doing a thing to it!  that totally freaked me, and i turned the thing off, and haven't looked at it since.  i don't like being monitored.  it was one thing i loved about my car was that it was made before any of that stuff had been S.O.P.  when i left home, even to go for a drive, i was totally off the grid, and i loved that feeling.

this phone brings all that stuff right up into my face, and i'm still resisting it.  i know the reasons to have one, especially since i have to use the house phone or my d's phone for doc appts. and the like, and it's not fair to them to be my secretary.  it will be for that reason alone that i will eventually utilize this phone.  not quite there yet, tho.

i know this has got to sound weird, especially to those who have grown up with technology.  i don't like the loss of human thinking that's going along with all this, problem-solving, planning, beginnings and endings that are all being done by  technology and machines.  it goes against the very essence of me.

so, this is still weighing heavy on me.  i understand about progress, evolve or die, all of that.  i don't want to give up my hard fought freedom is all.  is there an emoji (hahaha) for that?      :sharkbait:

Hey San,

Being 21 and growing up the majority of my life in technology (I still remember VHS...Lol) it is still scary for me. I can see how technology and the information one can find through it is amazing, but it's starting to rule our lives. I know for myself in particular I have a laptop, tablet and phone. And that is a titch rediculous...So, I'm kind of excited to get rid of wireless just because it will give me more time and hopefully less headaches. I get headaches from staring at screens ironically...So I understand the fear that you have with this invasive age. I hope that you find a way to use the phone to your advantage while still putting it in it's place and making you feel comfortable.

MR

thanks for understanding, m.r.   i appreciate that a lot.

it just scares me silly, and i know some people will think i'm silly for feeling that fear.  i've never had a fb or twitter acct., even tho friends have told me to, have invited me, all that stuff.  i just don't feel the need or something, to be connected all the time to anybody.  it creeps me out.

eventually i know i'll do it, for the sake of the others more than for me.  i've gotten along just fine without one for 70 yrs.  i don't mind the adventures of life, living, having to think on my feet, or have faith that whatever comes along will get worked out.  it's just a different way to look at the world and me being in it, i guess.

so, i plod along while the tech world rushes by me.  i either eat my food cold, or warm it up on the stove, wash my dishes by hand cuz i don't want to deal with the dishwasher in the house, and leave the microwaves to the others.  i don't trust them.  i trust people more than all this technology being pushed down our throats.  but, that's just me.

i am a flower child from a former time, and am tolerating being here.  i shall be in the log cabin near the porch if anyone wants to join me for some hot chocolate and a wood fire on a chilly winter's night.  there's always room for everyone.

I don't think it's Silly, San. It's natural to be afraid of things that are new and unknown to each person. I can accept that, even someone like me — someone who grew up practically living on the internet.

In the tech geek worlds, even we have some fear of technology. Artificial intelligence — machines that can learn on their own, might reach at or above human intelligence someday. The idea of something with that form of intelligence is exciting to many, but also intensely dangerous, enough to create large conferences of the greatest minds of the world to discuss it.

When I compare imagining being in that future someday, especially since I'm considering to join in this A.I innovation frenzy someday, and how the present now might look like to you, it's natural to be scared, I bet.

Any additional form of power can be terrifying. Because after all, in the wrong hands, how can it be used?

Well, take care, San.  :hug:

thanks, d.r.  yep, i mightily agree with you about A.I., the singularity, and beyond.  i know it's coming.  maybe sooner than later.  an autonomous intelligence will not be controlled, no matter how many lines of code are written.

i think this gamboling into the future willy-nilly is what frightens me most of all.  i think that's why i feel so resistant.  i see my life becoming caged-in if i embrace everything coming down the pike, accept it as purely some new and wonderful gadget with no thought as to what it might mean for humanity.  i see it making people careless on so many levels.

i don't want to lose the humanness i'm just lately discovering about myself.  i've been in a disconnect mode from others for so long, and i don't want to regress.  but, it seems, technology is against me in some ways.  and, don't get me wrong, there is a lot of good that's happened because of it, especially for the disabled, or for access to the world such as thru this forum.  i'm not taking anything away from all the good it's done.

but, i see and have learned too much that i don't like,, especially playing god with our humanness.  too many manipulations, and force-feeding, and i'm so uncomfortable with that.  one commercial i saw, a woman was over the moon about the idea that a car had wi-fi.  she said, eyes glittering 'that's the dream'.  well, when i was in my 20's, the 'dream' was peace.  how things have changed.

so, these types of things, and this doggone phone is a symbol to me of such changes, is what's at the heart of my fear.   guess i'll just have to pull up my socks and stick my neck into the future, at least a tiny bit.  dang, but i wish i didn't have to.  my heart is racing just thinking about it, my throat is tight.  this may be some anger i'm feeling at being forced into doing something i don't really want to do.  pooh.

Sometimes I think San, that your generation has seen so much technology. You've seen it start out, you've seen the changes, the modifications, the failures and what it has turned into today. Sometimes I think they are hurrying certain technology a bit too fast  in my country. There are alot of the elder generation that wouldn't be able to join in on the technological world, and so much of the health and banking system is mainly online now. Even the post is online. Bills, internet banks, appointment cards and such are all online. And you need to remember the various passwords for warious sites.
It's wonderful progression, but it doesn't suit everyone. 

There are people my age (I'm in my 30ies) and younger who also are not fond of technology. I worry what the future will hold. I worry what digitializing and putting robots to use in so many professions will do to people and society as a whole. businesses might save money, but the countries economy will not. I wont go into being supervised, because I know too little. and it's a scary prospect in all of it's own.

What I'm not so elegantly trying to say, is that you shouldn't be ashamed of your fear of technology. It's okay.
I hope you will muster up your courage and manage your fear, and hopefully it might make parts of your life easier.
I wish you the very best. Take your time, there is no hurry.  :hug:

darling sceal,

elegant doesn't matter.  what you said was beautiful to my heart, and i thank you for it.   your kindness and reassurance weigh much more heavily in my book than elegance.  just right.

i did tell my d today that whenever she's ready, i'll be ready to turn the thing on. 

i also did some work on myself about my neediness, which turned out positive.  it brought out the strength and power that i have as an adult.  the neediness belonged to my 4-yr. old me.  i also reached a place of a pounding headache, and it came to me that it was my brain, the brain of my 2-yr. old self which had not been wired correctly for my emotions. 

the headache is gone, the somatic pain is gone (shoulders/neck for the neediness) and i feel more solid.  it was an interesting experience.  i got the idea from another post, decided to follow it up.  i'm glad i did.

so, a brave new world awaits in 2018.  once again, this forum, you people, are life changers for me.   thank you all, even those of you who read this but don't post.  your energy comes through - i can feel it.  love all around.

Hi SanMagic,
It was interesting to read what you wrote about your 2 year old's brain, that really makes sense.  I also often experience pain in the left-hand-side of my head - towards the front, it can really hurt - especially at night - and hearing what you said about your pain, I really relate to that.

Wishing you all the best for 2018 - as that new year approaches.  Sending you a  :hug: and warm thanks for all your support and your kindness and your lovely spirit.

Hope  :)

back atcha, hope.    :hug:

Crazy how some issues are things we can't even remember. I hope you don't mind me asking — but that was a pretty young age to see an issue of, how'd you do it?

Whether you answer it or not, take care, San.

:hug:

Big, warm and loving hug to you San!
Wishing you a wonderful evening, and a new year filled with self-compassion, bravery and further healing.
You are spreading so much relief, validation and love towards the members of this community. You are such a beautiful, wonderful, selfless person. Thank you, for being you!

sceal, you did it again.  warmed my heart to overflowing.  thank you for your kind and lovely words and wishes.  you are a gem.

d.r., i read that you're taking a break from here, but in case you're reading this, i'll answer your question as best i can.  my sister was born when i was 21 mos. old.  when my mom was sick and dying, she and i talked a bit, and one thing she told me was that when my sister was born, she asked my dad not to be as hard on her as he'd been on me.

i know about his unrealistic expectations of me throughout my conscious childhood, but, no, i don't remember, really, what went on before i was 2, except for that clue from my mother that i had it pretty rough going from my dad.  when i discovered my alexithymia just a couple of years ago, i started researching it, and discovered how it can come about through emotional neglect or denial.

i know that growing up my emotions weren't given credence or were mocked/made fun of by my dad.  by the time i was 17, i was basically unaware of my emotions, didn't feel them, couldn't recognize any - all the stuff that makes up alexithymia.  what i learned about this 'disorder' is that neural networks between the emotion part of the brain and the verbal part of the brain are faulty, underdeveloped, or undeveloped.  the connections were never formed.

so, i began putting 2 and 2 together, and decided that my dad was so 'hard' on me with impossible expectations that i was striving to meet even from babyhood, including not having emotions that would be appropriate for various situations, that by the time my sister was born, my brain was already damaged.

when i did a therapeutic technique i found the other day (thru someone mentioning a different therapy) on myself,  what happened was that while a part of what i was focusing on was something i had chosen, i suddenly got a very sharp pain in my head.  the thought came to my mind that it was my 2-yr. old brain that was being engaged. (the other part i'd been working on i was able to think of as happening between the time i was 2 and 4).

when i brought this thought into consciousness and focused on it, the pain suddenly vanished.  it's because the pain disappeared when i thought of it being 2 while i was still in the midst of this technique that convinced me that the issue i was focusing on had already begun by the time i was 2.  that's how my process went, and it felt right to me.

so, that's how i got in touch with an issue that i have no conscious recollection of.  it simply floated to the surface as a bodily sensation, and i went exploring, gathered pieces, put them together, and voila!  they fit.  any other questions, feel free.

so, very glad to put 2017 behind me, hoping for the best in 2018.  hoping for the best for everyone else as well.  working on getting sugar out of my diet now, at this stage of the game it's only hurting me and i don't want that to get worse.  i'm probably going thru some sugar withdrawal now, and that will take a bit for me to get some balance back.  that's my big plan for this year. 

love to you all.

Sending you good thoughts for your continued healing and warm wishes that this New Year is filled with even more progress and self-love.

Be well,
Randal

thanks, randal, and right back atcha.  big hug.

did more work today on that 2 and 4 - yr. old parts of me, my key word being 'neediness'.  traveled back in time to baby me, and what might have been going on that could have deprived me of feeling cared for and the correct inter-connections in my brain for my emotions.  i found a piece that truly struck me.

i don't know if there's an overriding phrase for caring for babies anymore, but i can remember hearing people talk at length about 'spoiling' children.  if you picked a baby up when they cried, you could be guilty of 'spoiling' that baby.  i didn't believe in that with my own kids, but it was a very popular notion for my parents' generation.

it's the thought that came to me as i was working thru this issue - my dad didn't want me to be 'spoiled', and i could feel my baby self lying in my crib, crying, wanting to be taken care of, and just being left there as if i were expected to take care of myself.  it hit me so strongly, i don't for a minute doubt that could have truly been what i'd gone thru.

so, no matter what the reason i might have been crying, i was being denied the care i was asking for.  that's how babies ask, isn't it, for what they need?  by crying?   i can see myself so very clearly, can imagine my mom wanting to pick me up, and my dad telling her to let me 'cry it out', or 'don't spoil her'. 

i don't remember having a comfort 'thing' like a stuffed animal or blanket until i was about 4 - eeek!  here's the 4-yr. old me - and my mom bought me a doll i named diane.  i would go to sleep ritually holding diane's arms, then legs, then her glass head, and that last would be when i'd fall asleep.

one night i went to bed and diane wasn't there.  i searched as best i could, but couldn't find her, and i comforted myself by telling myself that a fairy king had come and taken her.  i had no reason for it, and didn't cry (another heartbreak not cried over - that started really early, i guess) or ask about her.  i think i was taught not to ask questions, just accept.

it wasn't until i spent some time with my mom when she was dying of cancer that i finally asked about diane.  she remembered, told me that the rubber of the arms and legs were rotting, so she just threw it away.  never said a word to me at the time, never explained.  she always kept a very clean house - i think that was a major priority for her, so such a worn doll just wouldn't do.

left alone to comfort myself without any knowledge of how to do that, i resorted to fantasy.  magic.  something to explain and soothe.  no wonder i've had sadness in my eyes all my life.  no wonder i cry at the drop of a hat.  no wonder i've begun feeling needy at this point in my life.  no wonder i've continually looked for men, trying to find one that would take care of me, all the while i was one of the strongest, most independent women i knew.

wowser.  this has put a lot of pieces into place.  the only time i felt safe and taken care of by my dad was when i was very young, maybe 3 or less, and he would rock with me cuz i had a hard time going to sleep at night.  my mom told me that i had my days and nights mixed up.  even now, often i will sleep better during a nap than during the night, and i've been taking naps for many, many years.   and my rocking chair is a necessity for me.  i'm rocking right now.

so, i've been looking for men, and i just left my hub of 16 yrs. with no back-up man to take his place.  no wonder this neediness has struck me now.  once again, i feel adrift.  i do feel better for having done this work, feel more whole, more integrated, but the pieces are still sticking out, and it will probably be a while till they're all comfortably in place.  at least i hope they get there. 

That sounds like some very powerful work you're doing there, sanmagic7, and that lots of things are clicking for you as a result.

I've had to learn self-soothing relatively recently. For me, that usually involves blankets, a warm drink, and watching animation. So, you rock on with your rocking chair and whatever else it is you need to feel good and safe!

i just want this to stop!!!! 

i realized last nite that i wrote about my doll story in the past, yet here it was again, altho in a different category.  so, now these things aren't just one and done, but doubling up on themselves - traumas within traumas.  i'm so tired, have been up at 1 and 2 in the morning, can't get back to sleep, naps aren't long enough, i'm drained.

i don't doubt part of this is sugar withdrawal, part is the season, which always knocks me sideways.  the issues keep being there, i keep doing something else to address them, they come back to bite me in the butt.  it felt good to post on some journals, but now it's all i can do to write this down.

i feel like i'm in the toilet and ready to flush.

there is too much.  i don't know how to do this anymore.  i haven't been able to find a worthwhile t in over 30 yrs. of therapy and two countries.  reworking this stuff took me by surprise last nite.  someone wrote about being young and finding out about this, and, really, how frickin' lucky they are.  as bad as it may seem in your 20's or 30's, o my heart and soul, i didn't get to this till my late 60's - that's over 60 years of baggage to handle.  and it just keeps coming.

i'm rambling, ranting, i don't know anymore.  this too shall pass, right?  i don't know how much more i can take.  and i know i've said that before, too.  circles within circles within more.  i feel horrible.  one more time.  i don't know how much i'm expected to take, how many times i'm expected to go thru this before it's ok to give up, throw in the towel, call it quits, just say 'enough'.  i don't want to do this anymore.  i'm so sad.

thanks, randal.  just read your post. 

I relate to this, strongly. How much of this #[*&%$!! is too much?? I feel so tired sometimes.

I don't have any words of wisdom, no sage insight. Just a comforting hug. Wrapping you in soft and warm thoughts today, dear San.
:hug:

I've been there, that point where everything feels like vapor and ash, where I experience myself as being little more than one big ball of pain and triggers.

But we are more than that. We are more than the sum of our pain and our issues. As powerful as they are, we are more powerful still, yes, even when it doesn't feel that way.

I came across a quote recently that I try to remember when things get to be too much: "Every time you thought life would defeat you, you were wrong."

My heart goes out to you, San, and I'm sending you warm wishes for sustained strength.

My darling San... I am sending you some warm and loving thoughts. And in my mind giving you a lengthy hug.

thank you all.  i'm about ready to quit.  both my hub and d are in the toilet as well, and i'm just working on staying alive for them.   i really just want to curl up in a ball and sleep forever.  one day at a time, but each day throws another curve, and my glove is wearing out.  getting too tired to play anymore.

Hey San,
I don't have much to say but I am very familiar with those feelings and when I feel like this, it reminds me of a scene in Godfather III where Al Pacino says "Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in." The scene makes me laugh when I think about my relationship with C-PTSD.  ;D Maybe, it works for you too.

:hug:

thanks, berceuse.  that about says it all.

so, lag time is 3 days.  i finally woke up angry this morning, which feels a bit more alive than wallowing in the muck, but doggone it, it's frustrating at the same time that this anger is so difficult to come by.  if i could, i'd be using a lot of cuss words here.

be that as it may, i'm mad at the doc about not listening to me about my back (that's taken about a month to feel), which led to me being in pain for so much longer than i think was necessary, i'm mad about the situations both my hub and d are having to deal with, and i'm mad that this c-ptsd crapola keeps rearing its ugly head just when i'm feeling good about things.

it all sucks, i hate it, all of it.

i'm also mad that all you beautiful people have to go thru so much fear, pain, and suffering due to no fault of your own.  my given name means 'helper of mankind', and it ticks me off that so many have been so hurt - it strikes at the essence of me, and i'm mad for all of you that you have to go thru this.

right now, my anger knows no bounds.

I've been thinking of you more or less all day today. Knowing you're going through such a hard time, wondering what I could do to lighten up your day a little.
But I haven't figured it out. At least not yet. Wholehearted words that sings their true intent as I mean them are hard for me.
But I wanted you to know I'm here, I'm listening and I care.

As for the anger, it's good you're able to be angry. Let it out. Acknowledge the wrongs that's happened to you and your dear ones, and still is happening.
Allowing anger is important!
Hang in there.

i'm hangin' sceal.  thank you - your words convey a lot of meaning and feeling to me, and i appreciate them.

Geez, San. That sounds tough.

I was gone for only a day but I missed you. I worry if you'd be alright. And I can see that yes, what you went through was unfair. The people who harmed you or neglected you were unfair. Society is unfair. The world is unfair.

Yes, others like us are being hurt too. We can't stop the rain, but we can hold an umbrella on others' heads. And you're doing that. A lot of people are.

Let it out, San. It's alright to hurt.

:hug:

thanks, d.r.  i miss you when you're gone, too.

it's ok to hurt, huh?  it's just so big and keeps coming, and has been around for so long, and i'm having a hard time bearing it lately.  it absolutely doesn't feel ok to me anymore.  too much is too much, and i can't hardly read posts by anyone else cuz of the pain and suffering there.

it may be time for me to take a break.  i want to go to ground like a wounded animal, lick my wounds, stay there till i'm healed.  right now i don't have the strength for anything else. 

love you all (sorry if that's too much for you, d.r., but just dis-include yourself if you need to.)

We'll be here when you're ready to come back. Until then take care of yourself, dear San.   :hug:

My dear sorry I have not been able to reply much. We are here when you get back. It does sound like you deserve a break to take some time to experience a bit of peace.

I hope that the time off will give you some peace.
Sending you good thoughts

I wish that that break will help you relax. You're feeling such an intense amount of emotions these days. Of course you'll need one.

It's not that too much for me now somehow. I've gotten a little bit more comfortable with affection now to withstand that, I guess.

:hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Wishing you some peace, tranquility and strength to survive these difficult times - I know you're taking a break, and I just wanted to send you a hug for when you get back and read your journal.  :hug:
Thinking of you and wishing you the best.
Hope  :)

My dear sister San, I wanted to just stop by and tell you I was thinking of you. I know you are away and doing the best for you, of that I am glad. Somehow I am hoping all the love and healing that I want to give you is reaching you. I send it every day, and hope it treats you well. Earth Mother Spirit is sent along with it, her voluminous skirts full of love and compassion ready to embrace you whenever you need or want.  :hug: :hug:

Love and healing wishes,
El

your dear good wishes went with me as long as i've been gone.   as i mentioned elsewhere, i got exhausted trying to right my 'wrongs', become more 'normal', excise my 'flaws' as i viewed them.  i shut down from the sheer amount of energy i was putting to that end.

i decided on acceptance instead, decided to try it on, see how it felt.  it feels better than the battling and fighting i was constantly doing.  i've also accomplished other things because of it.

one was telling my ll off when, once more, she startled me, and when i jumped and yelled, held my heart, she was kinda laughing.  i tore into her about that, told her it wasn't funny, and i didn't appreciate that she thought it was.  when she said she didn't, i asked what the laughing was about then.  people laugh when they think something's funny.

i did end up apologizing later for snapping her head off - i was pretty snippy at the moment - but that's cuz i've got to live here, and she can evict me if she sees fit to do so.  i was also going off sugar (which i'm still doing since the new year), and i know that made me quite irritable.  i don't regret it, tho.  i might have been gentler about it, but i'm glad i did it.

the other thing i did was tell my doc off.  he wanted me to get a test to see if my bones are softening, but said if they were there's no cure for it.  well, another test, more money, for what?  so i didn't do it.  then he asked about the pain meds he'd prescribed for my back, and that's when i let him have it.

told him that i'd told him what was wrong, it was muscle pain caused by the stress of the anticipation of my cancer surgery, and he gave me brain pills.  he said, yes, for nerve pain.  i told him that i'd already said it was muscle pain, that i'd originally asked for a phys. therapist to help with it, and, instead, he made me get x-rays, which exacerbated the pain immensely, and it was 10x worse for two extra weeks after.

so, he'd caused me to suffer cuz he wouldn't listen, and i also said i'm sick of docs not listening, ignoring me, or dismissing what i have to say cuz i've been working with my body and its issues for over 30 years.  then he said, so, you want a phys. therapist? and i said, not anymore.  i just want my prescription refilled.  i'm done with this crap.

my d told me she was proud of me for saying all that to him, and, again, i was glad i did it.  i did not apologize to him, and i don't regret that, either.  and when the questionnaire came to my email about my experience with my last visit, i also wrote on there that i thought docs were supposed to be healers and listen to their patients, and that this had happened with 2 docs in their network and that they need to tell their other docs to shape up (or words to that effect). 

so, it's like accepting myself with my individualistic style has freed me up to let people know that there's a real person here, an individual who is unlike anyone else.  and i don't think that's a bad thing anymore. 

i feel strong enough to come back here today, even tho i got sick last fri. and the ol' lungs have taken the hit again - i also stood my ground with the antibiotic i wanted when i went to urgent care.  i'll be seeing my doc this week for a follow-up, just to make sure i'm progressing the way i should, and the wheezing is gone. 

also, tomorrow is the third anniversary of going nc with my #1 daughter and ex-hub.  i wrote about it under 'having a difficult day' as a preventive measure, cuz the last 2 nights were full of thoughts of them, and i knew it was cuz of this date coming up.  i hope that by writing about it, it will alleviate some of my anxiety.  putting it in black and white has always been helpful.

so, good to be back - this place opened back up just in time.  3roses, sceal, hope, d.r., el,  wife2, and anyone else - you don't know what you mean to me.  love and hugs to you all.   thank you for being who you are.  you are all in my prayers nightly.  i'll be on the porch tonite.  being with you all may also help keep those thoughts at bay.

 :cheer:

So glad to hear about your route of acceptance :cheer:You have accomplished much, and will continue to do so because of it. I am sorry to hear you are sick, but am proud of you for sticking your ground on the meds.

Thank you for having us in your prayers every night, it means so much to me. I have missed you hear and thought of you daily.  :hug:

Hey, San. I'm glad to see you again. I missed you. It's really something to be able to go against these doctors to be able to point out your own conclusions. Acceptance seems like giving up or laziness to many people, but for many of us, it's one of the most difficult things we can do.

:hug:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Let'em have it! Sometimes people who don't listen to us, repeatedly, just have to hear it in a more forcive form.

:thumbup: on giving it to ll. She had it coming. ime sometimes people laugh out of nervousness or in my FOO also in order not to feel. However, that's no excuse for laughing at us or anyone in inappropriate situations.

:thumbup: on self-acceptance too. That's huge.  :hug: :hug:

Sending you lots of love and strength for today, I know it is likely to be hard but you are doing so well!!  Tons of hugs, warmth, and healing your way my dear. ♥️♥️

my dearest friends, and i mean that sincerely.  i have eliminated most all friends after realizing how draining they were.  you all give me life and uphold my spirit, and constantly feed me emotional strength. 

i will make it through today, much because of your support and validation.  it means the world to me.

telling people off is rather new to me.  i've been shushed about that for a very long time, by lots of different people.  it feels so good to just let it out.  plus, to feel angry about these things and act on them is new as well.  but, it's good.  once again, i found my power through my anger.

loving all the cheers and hugs.  i'm beginning to feel like my body is responding, but i'm a slow recoverer.  like i told the doc at urgent care, i've been sick for 20 years.  it just gets wearing, it scares the bejeezus out of me, and takes some of my spirit every time.  it makes me wonder how much i have left before i crumble under it.

i did find out that i have a compression fracture in my lower back.  who knows when that got there.  one more thing.  i feel like an old car - take it in for one thing, the mechanic finds half a dozen other things that are wrong and need attention. 

i'm quite certain i'll never be cured, never feel healthy again, and i'm actually ok with that.  at my age, this old body just is not able anymore.  it's part of my acceptance.  i'll take care of what needs taking care of as it comes along, when i can afford it, and keep myself as comfortable as possible.  better living thru chemistry. 

as for the rest, i'll deal with the emotional part, too, as it comes along.  if i can't get thru a sentence without crying, so be it.  it's no crime, i'm not doing anything to hurt anyone,  and it's just part of my makeup.  i'm too sensitive for the world as it is, and i'm not leaving the world anytime soon as far as i know, so i will tolerate as best i can, cry when the tears appear, and know that i'm no nutbox no matter what anyone might think.  pooh to all those that judge! 

3roses, i'm happy to be back, too.

el, thank you for your heartfelt wishes.  you bring another smile to my heart.

d.r., you're absolutely right that acceptance can seem like giving up.  the only thing i'm giving up is the constant battle that does no good for me, doesn't help me, is not beneficial and constructive (a page out of your book, blueberry).  i think it's a good thing to give those up - why keep them around to hurt myself over and over?    i know it comes from my 'gotta do everything i can to fix this' attitude, but maybe i'm finally learning everything can't be 'fixed' or doesn't even need to be.


blueberry, you made me laugh.  'she had it coming'.  i don't doubt her laugh is of the nervous variety, but i'm done excusing what other people won't go after, won't look at, won't do the work to help them become what they need to be.  (she had a horrible childhood as well, and is very controlling now).  that's on her, on everyone else who has made us feel uncomfortable or less than or unsafe. 

you are the best.

Welcome back San!
You sound alot stronger and more sure of yourself. It's wonderful to hear and read. I am happy for you that you're finding acceptence where it's needed, and telling people off where it's not needed!

You're doing great progress!  :cheer: :hug:

I am glad you are making it throughout the day today. Also always glad to make you smile anytime that I can. You are so loved.  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 22, 2018, 05:25:41 PM
... but i'm done excusing what other people won't go after, won't look at, won't do the work to help them become what they need to be. 

Totally!  :thumbup: I'm not quite that far, but hope to be some day soon.  ;)

you beautiful souls!  i see you so clearly, so brightly, standing in front of me with warmth and care emanating off you like heat off a highway. 

thanks, sceal.  thanks for the validation and the care. 

thanks, el, and back atcha.   

and, blueberry, i have no doubt that you will make it.  one step at a time, sweetie.   love and hugs all around. 

It's a kind of bravery to be able to find strength even in weakness, huh, San?

Wishing you the best.  :hug:

Also wanted to wish you the best, San Magic and give you a warm loving hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

thank you both, d.r. and hope.  hugs gratefully accepted.

new, frightening realization today, wrote about it under dissociation.  for the first time i'm afraid to be alone.

I am here tonight, San. I promise you are not alone  :hug:

 :bighug:

el and sceal, you brought tears to my eyes.  thank you.

i'm not sleeping, can't fall asleep.  another thing with my ll tonite and i'm so mad and upset yet don't feel like i can confront her on it.  once again, she walked into my room without asking if she could come in, asking me some inane question about tomatoes.

i'd been tearing up, tears on my face, told her 'i don't know' twice and she just came in cuz, i guess, my door was open a tiny bit.  she'd come in earlier in a similar way to bring me my mail.  called 'mail for you' outside my door, and said 'ok', and thought she was going to shove it under the door.  i remember us talking about that so that she wouldn't startle me.  but, she walked in while i was watching tv, walked up to the tv so she could read which piece of mail belonged to me, and later the tomato incident happened.

after the two 'i don't know's', and she came in without asking, i just put my hand up to block her, kept watching tv, and she left.  i haven't spoken to her since.  i'm hoping to move with my d this summer, and i'll probably need a reference from ll, so i hesitate to say anything.

my d is also living in a rotten situation at the moment, and i just have to keep thinking that she's doing it until she can get out of her lease, so i can do it without making waves, keep my reference here good.  i would just never think of walking into someone's room in this house without knocking and asking if i could come in, even if their door was wide open.  i'd feel like i was invading their privacy, but i guess she thinks cuz this is her house she has the run of everyone's room or something.

i'm just rambling, don't know what to do, feeling very vulnerable, unsafe, scared unless i'm actually with my d, who is very kind and caring around me.  i tried to be friends with ll, who's my age, but i guess to her that means that boundaries don't  count.  i'm pulling as far back as possible until i can get out of here.  i hesitate to do anything else, cuz i've already talked about this stuff with her.

i don't know how this relates to recovery.  it feels like i'm making my way thru a minefield right now.   i just pray my d will actually take me with her when she moves.  i think so, but i don't have that certainty yet.  i'm spiraling in limbo.

I don’t have many words today, but wanted to send you all the comfort I could. Having someone invade our space like that is always so difficult to deal with, and truly shouldn’t happen. I hope pulling away from her can help.

Lots of love and warmth. Sending a big hug full of support this morning :bighug:

Darling San,

This definetly relates to recovery! Being in an environment that you do not feel safe, or have a home to retreat too when you need to be left alone are big hinders for recovery. My T would have called it therapy-hindrance. It makes everything so much more harder when a part of your mind is always wondering "Am I safe here? Is my need for privacy respected?" We all need a place to call ours. I think trauma-struggelers especially needs a safe space to crawl back to.

I am very sorry you're in such a situation right now, and I hope that both you and your daughter has a chance of moving to a better place come this summer. You can always tell your landlady that you're moving in with your daughter, because she is in a place where she has to move.  That way you avoid saying it's because you've felt unsafe with her, and avoid insulting her. Maybe that will help on getting a good reference.  :bighug:

well, i've lost a lot of entries, but i'm ok with that.

had a bout of depression the past few days after writing that letter to my ex.  suddenly, while watching the end of one of my fav feel good laugh out loud movies last nite (jay and silent bob fight back), the depression lifted.  i'm feeling better today.  the care and love that was sent me through all this was so heartfelt and true that i was able to take it with me to sleep last nite and it helped soothe and calm me.   thank you all for being here for me.

so, one foot in front of the other.  there may be more that i want to add to that letter, but right now i'm in an ok place with it.  i know it's there if i need it.  so far, it seems to have helped, of which i'm so glad.

gonna go take a walk this morning.  when the feeling comes over me, it feels like the right thing to do.  i may even cook today.  glory glory.

i just noticed that my letter to my ex is gone with the wind, and it felt freeing, like it's out in the universe where it belongs, being taken care of for me.  i remember what you said, blueberry, about arrogant and naive, and i'll address that later.  for now, i feel better.

 :thumbup: :cheer: that you're feeling better!

when i wrote that i was naive and arrogant, i didn't mean those as put-downs of myself.  they were factual.  i was naive thru the alexithymia and arrogant thru my belief that i was perfect and knew just what he needed.  both were by-products of trauma, but i'm not critical of myself.  just realistic.  i was what i was.

today, i was upset first thing this morning.  the son of my ll lives here, and he went on a rampant about her moving something of his and he needed it and couldn't find it.  lots of cussing, name-calling, very loud, lasted about a half hour.  he asked if she'd moved all my stuff around, and when i said no, he pointed a finger at me and told me that it was coming.

then he told me as he was going to his room not to let her touch my stuff,  i could feel my gut going around in circles, and it ended up with me running to the john several times, and now i feel pretty miserable physically.  dang, will this never end?  i didn't feel threatened or anything, but the neg. vibes were just very upsetting to me.

i'm not 'reporting' this to her cuz he's a resource for me to get food at the food pantry twice a month, which has been so very helpful to me and my finances.   it's just a hotbed of fault-finding here sometimes.  i even told her last week that she's judgmental after, one more time, she pointed out how someone in the house decides to throw out food they don't find appetizing.    said it was 'silly'.  i'd had enough.

i can't imagine what she says about me to others, and i don't try.  i'm doing my best to simply tolerate this kind of crap, stay in my room, avoid her as much as possible.  the price is still right, and i can't beat that.  i'm glad i told her, tho, cuz she said she wouldn't bring it up to me anymore.  which is a good thing.

so, one day at a time.  one foot in front of the other.  just feels good to get it out.

I don't have much to give tonight but wanted to send hugs and love ❤️  :hug: that situation sounds like a lot to take in, I hope you ave gotten to calm down and feel better as the day has gone on

thank you darling el.  i am able to think of you and what you say, especially before falling asleep, and it is soothing.

i felt pretty miserable physically all day yesterday, several trips to the john.  that stuff hits me right in the gut, and i have no defenses anymore to ignore it or override it.  gut punched, and my gut is pretty sensitive now.

feeling a bit better today.  gonna lay low most of the day.  i have some editing to do, which i enjoy, and some writing of my own to tweak.  nothing very physical.   

i am now in the middle of several different dynamics that are going on here.  it's like i'm the secret keeper on some level.  since i don't do gossip, people feel pretty comfy talking to me about what's going on around them.  i just haven't expected things to escalate here - it seemed like a nice, quiet boarding house type of situation when i moved in.  behind closed doors the fires rage.

so, i bide my time, living with a bit more tension than i expected, which i'm not fond of.  i told my ll off last week, told her she was judgmental after one more complaint about another resident here.  i've heard that complaint about a couple of them, i finally couldn't stand hearing it anymore.  so i told her, she denied it, i gave her the example of what judgment was, she said she just won't bring it up to me anymore and walked away.

that's fine with me.  leave me alone.  i just want to be in my space here, doing my work on my computer, watching my shows, and hoping to continue healing my body and soul.  the tension does not help with the healing.  i'm so aware of it now, where i hadn't been aware of how tense i really was for so very many years.

it's to the point, and has been for a long time, that my muscles, etc., just aren't able to relax.  i have to consciously think about it and physically concentrate in order to allow my muscles to not be tensed up.  they have had so much practice over the decades with being tense, they don't know how to do it on their own, and are reluctant to do it with my help.  it's so weird.

i'm rambling.  i know.  i'm just tired of the crapola.  maybe someday . . .

I am glad it can help you sleep, San  :hug: I do hope all of this crapola can eventually subside for you. Until then I am here in anyway I can be  :hug:

Hi SanMagic,

:hug: to you and I hope you get to relax your tensed muscles a bit more - and that you get to feel some lovely peacefulness - you deserve that - you really do.

Hope  :)

It sounds really tiresome and awful, San.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Stiff muscles on top of everything is just... blærgh! I hope you can get some relief soon!
Big hug from me

thank you hope for your kindness.  truly lovely to hear that.

thank you, too, sceal, for that wonderful word -- blaergh!  it's a beaut, and perfectly describes the situation.

it is tiresome and awful.  i'm coping and tolerating as best i can, but you know, if i were to hear of someone else going thru this, i'd have a lot more feelings about it, i'm guessing.  i think i believe that i have to keep it all under wraps for now, just get thru.  yeah, hope, some major stuffing going on here!

so, i rant here, let it out as best i can, all the while feeling like i'm whining at times.  dang, so difficult to see our own realities.  that's why i write about it here, so i can see it thru others' eyes.  that helps a lot.  big sigh of relief right there - that let some of the tension out.

so, thank you again.  i'll do what i have to do until i don't have to do it anymore.  like tom petty sang 'i won't back down.'  not when i have all of you holding me up thru the roughest times.

Rant away, dear San. Get the poison out!

You're not whining, San. You've gone through a lot. Of course you need to vent out somewhere.

Take your time. Even if I don't have the strength to reply, I'll probably be listening.  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on February 05, 2018, 09:55:31 PM
thank you hope for your kindness.  truly lovely to hear that.

thank you, too, sceal, for that wonderful word -- blaergh!  it's a beaut, and perfectly describes the situation.

it is tiresome and awful.  i'm coping and tolerating as best i can, but you know, if i were to hear of someone else going thru this, i'd have a lot more feelings about it, i'm guessing.  i think i believe that i have to keep it all under wraps for now, just get thru.  yeah, hope, some major stuffing going on here!

so, i rant here, let it out as best i can, all the while feeling like i'm whining at times.  dang, so difficult to see our own realities.  that's why i write about it here, so i can see it thru others' eyes.  that helps a lot.  big sigh of relief right there - that let some of the tension out.

so, thank you again.  i'll do what i have to do until i don't have to do it anymore.  like tom petty sang 'i won't back down.'  not when i have all of you holding me up thru the roughest times.

I whine and rant and vent on here a lot, and you are one of the people who respond with nothing but kindness.  So here I am trying to hold you up as well. :-)

i've never thought of you as whining, allie, and i think ranting is imperative at times.  you have held me up many, many times, and i thank you for that.

i've noticed that since i wrote that 'letter to my ex' i really haven't been plagued with those horrible ruminations about him.  it's only been about a week, and this morning there was a touch, but i was able to brush it away pretty quickly.  plus, it didn't have the same vitriol to it as in the past.  this is amazing to me.  i've fought this for so long in so many ways, but this is the way that seems to have worked.  it's magic.

took a lovely road trip with my d yesterday, o.d.'d on food, so i'm feeling kinda hungover today.  too much of a good time, i guess.  i overate after i got home, when i was very tired and very happy about how well we got along, how much we laughed.  so, i'm still not really hungry today.  i suppose i'll eat something later.

i think, if i delve into it, that i was feeling really good about things between her and me, and i might not have been able to deal with it emotionally, so i ate, stuffed it down.  still not always quick on the uptake of what i'm feeling, just know it's distressing somehow.  yeah, even being happy about something can be distressing.  go figger.

ok, if i delve a little deeper here, i've been fighting really hard for a very long time - many, many years - to have this kind of relationship with my d.  because of the madness in our family while she was growing up, and the wounds she brought away with her into adulthood, i believe that i've been seen as part of the problem in her life for much of it. 

the situation being what it was with d1, this d, d2, kind of got left by the roadside.  much too much of the attention and energy was directed toward d1, and there wasn't a lot left over for d2.  finally understanding the dynamics of d1 and going nc, i was able to direct all my energy toward d2. 

it made a big difference to her when i did that, and gave her permission to go nc with her sister as well.  since then, we've had that as a common bond, and she is able to understand better what it might have been like for me in the midst of the maelstrom that included her father, and the icky t i was dealing with all at the same time.

so, having yesterday was the pinnacle i've been reaching for in my relationship with her, and i think i might've been overwhelmed by it to a large degree.  that's what made something so wonderful feel so distressing.  plus, i couldn't really recognize it for what it was at the time.  i just knew i had to eat all the leftovers from the day right at that moment in order to calm my distress signals.

whew.  this beast wears a coat of many colors.  at least now i can be on the lookout for something similar in the future.  but, man alive, do i hate this.

I am so glad the ruminations about your ex have improved so much! Those letters do truly help us heal, I think I will write one actually  :whistling:

I don't have the energy/ability to fully read and comprehend the rest of it, but I promise to come back. I wanted to send all my love and healing warmth to you  :hug:

thanks, el.  always accepted, always appreciated.   back atcha.

you don't have to understand the rest of what i wrote.  i was just writing down my process of exploring why i ate the way i did after such a great day.  it doesn't have to mean anything to anyone else - just helps give me clarity and something to remember the next time something similar happens.

I am glad they are  :hug:

Comprehend was the wrong word there. I was exhausted and just couldn't keep my eyes focused on words enough to truly absorb what was written. I am glad you got to get that process all typed out, it helps to have things to go back to.

i'm emotionally worn out today after watching the opening ceremony of the olympics last night.  some parts were so beautiful, like n. and s. korea entering the stadium together.  but, some parts were horrifying to me, like the fact that people who were actually there couldn't see all the 'augmented reality' effects, that they used hundreds of drones to make the first olympic drone show, and that s. korea is second only to china is having rehab centers specifically geared to technology addiction.

that all made my blood run cold, and i sobbed thru the whole thing.  the yin and yang of it, which was a big part of the show.

i despair of the direction our world and so many people are heading toward.   i was/still am bone-sad and cell-scared. 

part of this is due to the fact that i finished my book, a sci-fi story about the coming of the singularity, and what that might mean.  i believed it was important to write, but it has wreaked havoc with my being.

so, don't have much in me today.  a day of rest.

A simple  :hug: for you, filled with compassion.

Sending a hug filled with comfort and warmth. Take good care of yourself today  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on February 10, 2018, 04:10:13 PM
i'm emotionally worn out today after watching the opening ceremony of the olympics last night.  some parts were so beautiful, like n. and s. korea entering the stadium together.  but, some parts were horrifying to me, like the fact that people who were actually there couldn't see all the 'augmented reality' effects, that they used hundreds of drones to make the first olympic drone show, and that s. korea is second only to china is having rehab centers specifically geared to technology addiction.

that all made my blood run cold, and i sobbed thru the whole thing.  the yin and yang of it, which was a big part of the show.

i despair of the direction our world and so many people are heading toward.   i was/still am bone-sad and cell-scared. 

part of this is due to the fact that i finished my book, a sci-fi story about the coming of the singularity, and what that might mean.  i believed it was important to write, but it has wreaked havoc with my being.

so, don't have much in me today.  a day of rest.

This sounds like a good self-care day for you.  (I didn't know you were a writer; I am also a writer but I write religious fiction.) 

I understand your fear.  :hug:

thank you everyone.  sceal, i'm very sad that you understand my fear.  it is too big, too real, and i wouldn't wish that anyone understood it. 

i haven't written cuz i felt like i exposed too much of myself in my last post.  felt very raw.

allie, el, 3roses, thanks for your support.  you, too, sceal, altho your response was disturbing to me.  that's why i felt so raw - i didn't want to bring anyone into that place where my deepest beliefs reside.  and, there you were, right there, and i felt so bad for you. 

just making it day to day right now.  still fine-tuning my manuscript, editing my daughter's next book.  it feels productive and distracting.  i'm enjoying the olympics, as i always have.  it is an ideal world, for the most part, with respect, admiration, and inspiration.  i love those aspects of it.

I didn't mean to disturb you, just to show you that I understand. Although, I also wish no one had this fear. But at the same time, I think it is a wise fear to have, and I hope more people have it. And that important people who can make an impact sees it too.

It's quite a thing to be able to write a book! I found it really difficult, but fun. I hope your daughter is proud of her self for finishing it!

Can I ask about your fear around the olympics? I'd like to understand it — only if that's okay to you though.

It's pretty cool that you're writing a book. I'd like to write one as well someday. At the right amounts, it can be really rewarding to accomplish something like this. You could tell me about it if you want and if you don't — well, haha, sorry, I'm being too curious here. It's kinda inspiring to me. :)

Take care,  :hug:

d.r., ideally, the olympics is the embodiment of all that's supposed to be right with the world - athletes coming together from so many countries, competing, but with respect toward all.  i wish that world problems would be diminished and tended to in such a way.

that they're not scares the bejeeesus out of me.  it also saddens me tremendously.

not very many people understand what's really happening, but for those who do, like sceal, it's a horrible burden to bear.  that's why i'm writing about what i know, albeit in a fictional format.  it's what i'm able to do to challenge what's going on.  i don't have any power to make the necessary changes.

i know you didn't mean to disturb me, sceal.  you would never do that.  i just hate knowing that you do understand, because it's so horrible, and, like i said, i don't wish that 'knowing' on you or anyone else.

d.r., if nothing else, this book-writing may be an example not to ever lose your spirit to do new things, no matter what your age.  like i said, i'm 70, this is my first attempt at a novel.  i began it a little over a year ago.  you're never too old to do something new.

as far as the rest of my life goes, being older now and with nothing definite to hang onto, the fear nearly eclipses me at times.  i have no home to go to anymore (it's been taken over by my ex and d1), no financial resources, i'm sick, i have no one to rely on (my d2 is good with me, but not very reassuring for the future) and dependent on others for help.  i've never felt fear before, and to have it at this time of my life is kicking my butt.

this morning there was snow on the ground.  i'd like to go for a walk - it's melted already, but it was fun to see.  i want to walk in the cold.  i have to give my life over, have faith that whatever happens, i will deal with it.  i've lived most of my life that way.  the choices i made that i believed were for the best all have ended up blowing up in my face. 

so, i'm now scared, and still unfamiliar with that feeling.  being by myself has never concerned me before, but that's before i got to this age.  it's a new perspective, and it basically sucks.  still, i have to find a way to make it work without just staying stoned on xanax.  don't want to do that.

so, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, deal with what comes along, and leave the rest to god.  i have no power over any of the rest of it, so i'll give trying to have it away.   and, i have you beautiful people to help prop me up when i'm weary and worn down by it all.   i appreciate you all so much.

 :hug:

thanks, 3roses.  always special, always appreciated. 

I am not sure what to say today, so I'll just offer you some quiet company.

that's wonderful all by itself, sceal.  so are you.

my dd is going thru some disastrous emotional crapola with her ex, who she lives with.  it's so difficult to see her in this position - my mother's heart is breaking for her, and i want to squeeze his head till it pops like a pimple for putting her thru all this, thinking it's ok. 

there's nothing i can do but listen as she cries to me about it, about how her dreams are being shattered around her, about how he's pushing her out the door thinking he's sparing her while all the time he's doing exactly what's needed for her to be hurt and re-hurt.  she's in a lease, can't get out till summer, she had asked him to wait to date until she could move out, he refused.

ok, glad i wrote this, my anger is bubbling up.  lots of curse words and name-calling  -  insert here.  she is such a good person, always looking out for others, and he knows this, yet he's stomping on her believing it's how to keep from hurting her.  oooooooh . . . i could just  (fill in the blank).  it's always frickin' something.

Sorry, your dd is being hurt like this. (What does dd stand for by the way?) It's pretty horrible to be taken advantage like that. I'm glad you can get angry about this.

:hug:

i always think dd stands for darling daughter.


*******   TW    *******  death and dying

just talked to a friend who's husband died last nite.  he was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of jan., is dead 5 weeks later.   they'd been married over 35 years.  that old saying about wanting to find someone so you don't have to die alone came to mind.  her someone died first, and now she has to pick up all the pieces by herself.

he was just my age.  they nursed her mother for over a year, until she died, then moved to nurse his mother.  his mother died 20 days after his diagnosis.  my friend is taking care of all the stuff for his mom that he wasn't able to, and is now taking care of all his stuff as well.

i'd never thought much about getting old, what it might mean, until a few years ago.  my hub and i talked about it quite a bit cuz he was losing friends left and right, none of them hitting their 80's yet, most in their 60's.  his best friend went 1 1/2 yrs. ago.  i'm basically his only lifeline now.

i'm not scared of dying, per se, but this brought the aftermath right into my face.  i'm glad i got the paperwork from my doc at my last visit about how i want to go out.  part of it allows that my body can be donated to science, which i'm absolutely doing.

that's how it was with my mom, and there was no nutsing around with funeral or cremation details and costs.  she died in the hospital, my sis and i were there, and after her last breath, we said good-bye, picked up her cards, called the nurse, and everything was taken care of.  it was just a body lying there, and it could help med students.  it felt right.

i definitely don't want my d to have to deal with any of that, either.  so, i want to go out the same way.  what my friend is dealing with while in mourning is just horrible to me.  i don't want to put my d thru that.  so, even tho i didn't like him, she's been part of my life for nearly 50 yrs., and therefore he's been part of it, too.   

my chest feels sunken.  it's really hit me hard on so many levels.   there's no planning for the future, and we don't have any idea when our future will end.  sending love to all of you.  that's all i have.  deep breath.  it's done.

rough day emotionally yesterday.  feeling better today.  it really slapped me in the face.

today i realize there's nothing i can do about it, about the whole thing.  it is what it is, and will be what it will be.  can't control it.  i just have to have faith that whatever comes along, i will deal with it.  i always have before, why should this be any different.

so, gonna go for a walk, feel the cool air on my face.  it's early, still dark out, but i've always liked walking before dawn.  something draws me to this time of day for that.  one thing different that i do now as a precautionary measure is that i take i.d. with me.  it seems like if someone knew i was walking in the dark w/o identification, they'd berate me and strongly encourage me to do so.  so, now i do.

anyway, a better day, i think. 

I am glad you are feeling better today. I did not see your post yesterday, as I had truly taken the day off from reading much on here. That is such a difficult thing to come to sit with I imagine, and as I read it I basically feel the need to keep you as long as possible. San you are so loved here  :hug:

A walk in the cold air always helps me too. It is smart to have Id just in case, but I do hope no one would actually berate you for not having it. Hugs full of healing warmth and reassurance for today :bighug:

thanks, sweetie.  you are part of the reason i keep battling.

being the rebel/flower child, the idea of total freedom has appealed to me for a very long time.  it's why i still don't have my own cell phone - i know those things are tracked and can be hacked into, which means that people can know where i am at any time. 

my hub has hounded me for years to get a phone, especially when i'd fly back to the states to visit, but i loved the feeling that no one knew exactly where i was at any given moment, no one could touch me.  it was a feeling i cherished.  i used to walk in the wildlife center's forest area by myself many years ago, until attacks became too common to ignore.  it ticked me off that i had to curtail something i loved, had to give up those few moments of solitude because of some buttwipes.

it's been the same with i.d.  i'd never take any along on walks, not in mexico, not here.  that feeling of freedom.  because of my age, tho, i'm feeling like i need to be cautious.  i hate that, too.  cautious is the opposite of freedom to me.

i probably wouldn't be berated, in the ugly sense of the word actually.  but i'd be told that i 'should' have i.d. on me if i'm going out before dawn just in case i fall or something.  that it would be a good idea, just like you said.  i don't like to be reminded that constraints, as it feels to me, are better for me now.

so, i'm doing it, even if i don't like it.  i know anyone would only say something to me from a place of concern, and i don't want to worry anybody.   accepting the changes of life.

To hear that I am part of the reason really means the world to me. You are so very precious to me, San.  :hug:

I can understand the rebel/flower child part of you. It is hard to have constraints put on us, especially if you were used to more freedom. For me I never had that freedom to begin with. I am only over the last 4 year or so begining to discover it.  I can't imagine going out without id ever. Also to walk in the dark is a very risky move here. I live in a good area but the city is still the city.

Anyways, I am glad you bring it (as my little protectice mama bear comes out). It is also good you still go for those walks, the freedom is important

Send all of my love,  and warmth :bighug:

love your protective little mama bear, el.  i'll take the i.d. with me.

part of the freedom for me was not really feeling fear.  now, to have that emotion at the ready is unnerving to me as well.  i went where i wanted when i wanted, did what i wanted cuz i wasn't afraid, didn't have that protective bit of me letting me know something might be dangerous.  i've taken many road trips on my own, 2300 mi. to mexico, 2300 mi. back by myself, all i felt was the adventure of the open road and the freedom it promised.

i could recognize such situations to an extent, wasn't rashly a daredevil, but i always felt like i was in a protected cocoon of some sort, and nothing would hurt me.  delusional thinking, i suppose, but i lived most of my life like that, doing things that others found frightening, and telling me how much courage i had, how brave i was.

i never felt brave cuz i believe you have to feel fear in order to be brave.  i've just begun being brave when i posted a few times here and the fear was letting itself show.  now i'm afraid most all the time, and i don't like the feeling at all.  it's stunting.  on the other hand, i've begun taking i.d. with me because of it.

it's weird being older as well.  every time i go to the doc, he's always warning me about falling.  that was never an issue before, but now it's a biggie.  well, i told him last time that i'm careful cuz i don't want to fall, either.  he thinks i might have soft bones, that x-rays showed a compression fracture in my lower back.  i have no idea how long that might have been there, and there's nothing to be done about it.

this week, speaking of medical stuff, i have to go for a mammogram again.  just had one, had to go back for an ultra sound cuz there's a mass they're concerned about but can't identify.  i can feel fear niggling at the back of my brain, but i don't want to let it come forward.  hopefully, i can get it done this week, see if i have to have a biopsy or something.  it will all come out in the wash eventually.

i want to ignore it - i've had lots of cysts in the past - but that niggling fear won't let me.  so, one more friggin' thing with my health.  ugh.  i guess i care more about living than i sometimes want to admit.

Hey San, I read your last few posts, but was too emotionally overwhelmed to respond. But I'm feeling alright enough now.

I can relate to that need for freedom. Not physical freedom as in adventuring outside, but intellectual freedom. In the geeky tech world, there's something called the Dark Net - where sites that can't normally be accessed through ordinary means are found. That also well . . . includes a lot of underground information like secret discussions from people under dictators' regimes, and you know how much information is my thing. I found my way in but somehow got too scared to continue.

Sigh. I don't like that fear either. . . of being watched. Of losing freedom. Of needing to be cautious.

I'm sorry about your worries about your health too. I don't know what to say about that - but here's a nice gentle hug from me.  :hug:

San, I am glad you like my mama bear a bit. It comes out more than I would like sometimes.

It sounds freeing to not have that fear, it is something I truly have never experienced. Partially a generational thing, and I think just personality difference. I can understand how it would be really difficult to start to feel fear more and more though. It is a truly difficult emotion to deal with, as it is a stifling one. I think that one learns to have courage and bravery to do the things anyways. Like going on your walks despite a chance of falling.

All this being said I am glad you are finding balance with the need for freedom and a bit of fear. I think that shows a lot of strength and wisdom.  :hug:

I wish you the best of luck with the doctors. Sending a big warm hug for you  :hug:

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

San,

This may just be me but I couldn't bear to watch the opening of the winter olympics, the north korean cheer leaders broke my heart. I saw a stills photo of their identical expressions and saw so much that's familiar there that I couldn't look at them. It terrified me.
I saw my face as a kid, working very hard to show no emotion and to suppress everything because if I didn't, I was punished.
It was hard seeing the same body language on a whole group of people. And hard to see how people around didn't seem as horrified as I felt.

Just my really subjective response. It felt like I just saw a vicious attack but no one else saw it and everyone just kept smiling and the show went on.

Sci fi is my favorite genre. I hope I'll get to read your book.
And oh boy can I relate to your stress and chronically stressed muscles... and everything else, it's so hard. I wish I could make it go away.
I'll be thinking of you and hoping the new medical stuff is nothing. Will you let us know when you know?

:hug:

you all blew me away, and i was so overwhelmed with such lovely feelings i couldn't even respond.  thank you so very much.

d.r., i know about the darknet, wrote about it in my book, and i don't advocate anyone going there.  very bad stuff there, dangerous, frightening that those people exist.  i'm glad you got scared - there's a lot there to be scared about.  knowledge and information are wonderful, if only to know what to avoid.  but submersing ourselves in the wrong kind of stuff can be harmful, too.  please, be careful.  love your hugs.

in one sense it was completely freeing not to have fear, but it was also part of the alexithymia, which meant i didn't have other emotions (except sadness, which i held in my eyes) either.  i was so unaware of self, of emotions of others, had no compassion for the fear of others cuz i didn't understand it at all, had no empathy for others' struggles cuz i couldn't relate.

i basically floated thru life without feeling much at all.  not that i was numb, but didn't have the neural capacity for the connections inherent with emotions and realizing what they were.  so, these past 2 years or so, as i've been working on re-wiring my brain, some of the emotions are appearing for the first time in a recognizable way.  fear is one of them, and i absolutely hate it. 

i recognize it as a warning, a danger signal, and that it's part of our emotional makeup as humans, so in one sense i'm glad it's there - i'm becoming more wholly human.  however, it's also like an alien being to me, constricting me where i never felt constricted before, not consciously at least. 

thanks for the hugs, sceal.  always  enjoyed, always appreciated.

ah, i had a hard time with the opening ceremonies also.  basically sobbed my way thru them.  what's going on in the world is so horrible.  what you described was somewhat akin to how we all were during the cold war in the 50's, the threat of nuclear annihilation hanging by a string over our heads. 

if you're interested, my d writes sci-fi  my book, i'm still editing and re-working.  if it gets finished, i'll let you know.  thanks for the interest.  and, yes, i'll let everyone know what happens with the doc.  the appt. isn't till mar. 8.

you are all very special people to me, and i so appreciate you being in my life.  love you all.

 :hug:

 :hug: back atcha, 3roses.  thanks, you lovely thing you.

I find it both exhausting, fascinating and scary to touch on my own emotions. I tend to push them away to the extent they are working in the background so I don't actually "feel" them. I know they are there, but I don't have to deal with them.. unless they get too intense that is. I've done that most of my life, simply because I haven't had the tools to deal with them. So I can only imagine how it must be for you to discover emotions! I hope you do get the positive ones along side the negative ones. So you get the whole variety of them.

You're working really hard processing all of this!Doing wonderful progress. You are strong, and I hope you know that. You've been through so much, and still, you never gave up. You continued to fight. It's incredible!

I hope today is a good day for you. And that you've done progress on your book, as well as giving yourself time to some self-love.

sweet sceal, thank you for the kind words.  to tell the truth, sometimes i hate my spirit for being so strong that i haven't given up.  that may sound weird, but there it is.

the book is coming along, thanks, but i don't know about working on it today.  i'm feeling sick-y, took thera flu and did some inhaler for my lungs, hoping that will keep them from clogging up.  can't think too clearly.  gonna take a sick day - hahaha

Hi SanMagic,
Take care and recuperate well - I know you're not feeling too well today - hope you can relax and that you feel better soon.  Glad to hear your book is coming along - that sounds great, but resting to get better - that's a good thing too. 
Take care,
Hope  :)

Hey, San. I've researched and prepared about the Dark Net or Deep web's possible precautions. Lots of websites are illegal there but not every one is. I'll keep out of those and only visit researched trusted sites, I'll avoid giving personal info or downloading anything and I'll get myself some programs for cybersecurity.

Well, San. I can relate with getting used to new emotions. Even new intensities of happiness scares me because of their unfamiliarity. To be honest, empathy still scares me somehow. Before, I had the freedom to not absorb other's pain as much. But to feel is a deep relief to me compared to coldness and numbness, and I've gotten too kind to turn back.

I feel more human too. I thought what I cared about most was happiness, but it seems that as I gain back my emotions, I care more about being more human. It's deeply pressuring and difficult to feel them again — I know — and I'm sorry it's burdening you too.

Take care, San.  :hug:

See you.

thank you hope - still under the weather today.  it's so scary to me to feel sick, very scared about getting pneumonia/bronchitis cuz my lungs are weaklings now.  so, i'm laying low again today.  hope this passes soon.

d.r., glad you're taking precautions.  personally, i'd leave that place alone - there's a reason it's in the dark.  but, that's just me.  there are some things i don't need to know too much about.  just knowing it's there  and what's available is enough for me.  thank you for your well wishes, too, sweetie.

ok, i tired myself out, back to rest.  getting some lemon-ginger tea, and back to bed.   love to you all.

Love to you too SanMagic, and hope that Lemon & Ginger tea helps. 
Take care,
Hope  :)

Ginger and lemon tea helped me last week. Along with  serious garlic soup

thanks hope and sceal.  just trying to pour as many liquids in as possible.

once again, i believe this is caused by stress, the stress of doing too much good stuff for myself.  in the past week i walked 4 out of 5 days, easy walks, maybe 20 min. each.  this has happened to me in the past, too.  it's like it's too much stress for me to eat as healthy as i want or do the exercise that i want.

and i only do it when i'm feeling up to it, so it doesn't feel like i'm pushing myself.  so, now my legs are barely moving to get me from here to the kitchen - small steps.  i am so sick of being sick.

anyway, hopefully it won't resort to clogging my lungs and i'll live thru it and come out ok on the other side.   thanks for your care and concern and support - love you so.

Maybe it is because a part of you is fighting to  stay within what's familiar? Finding new ways, trying to embrace a new lifestyle, doing self-care and self-love can be new and dangerous things, and a part of you don't know where it'll will take you - and therefore it's dangerous? - And so it becomes a conflict and it drains you of energy?

Perhaps you should take it even slower, maybe walk every other day in stead of 4 days in a row? Or sit outside in fresh air rather than go for a easy stroll?

Smaller steps will eventually become a huge leap. And then you can look back at all the hard work you've done, all the small steps, and praise yourself for it. Maybe?

:hug:

Hey, not really sure what to say now. I just want to wish you some love and care.

:hug:

thank you, d.r. for your love and care.  love you right back.

thank you, too, sceal, for your concern.  what i've figured out over the years (i used to walk nearly 5 mi./day before work, was into weightlifting, ate healthy - 20 yrs. ago i was mistaken for being 15 yrs. younger than i was, all that good stuff, loved people and parties around me) as i became sicker physically and emotionally, everything that required any energy at all was stressful and draining.

that includes conversations with most people besides my hub  and d, (altho those can sometimes upset me) going anywhere, re-attempting to do healthy things for myself.  my digestive system is now shot, my lungs are weak, my immune system barely manages to stay alive, my muscles are full of toxic pain, so anything i do takes its toll, whether it's pleasant or not.

i haven't felt 'well' in over 20 years.  i sometimes manage to feel 'good' for an hour or two on some days.  my legs go wonky when i'm stress sick (such as these past few days) - for many years, my legs would barely work after a stressful situation, such as a massage, at times up to 3 months.  i've been able to team that phenomenon up with unexpressed anger, but i don't always know when i'm angry.  wonky legs is sometimes a clue.

i suppose i'm angry about this happening again, just when i thought i was doing so well for myself, cuz my legs are just starting to come back. 

because of the effects of the trauma - i've only begun eliminating the most toxic people in my life 3 yrs. ago -  my systems have fallen flat.  making the move here from mexico just last year was another stressor, even tho i was getting out of a really stressful situation down there.

it all comes down to stress for me, whether it's pos. or neg. stress.  doesn't matter.  i can't allow myself to get too excited about an upcoming event cuz i'll get sick.  that's been happening for years.  it's just all taken its toll on my body and brain in a way that the very best thing for me is to be able to sit in my room, do what i like, and avoid stimulation as much as possible.  cocooning, insulating, protecting myself.  stress is my nemisis - i have no tolerance left for more than a teaspoon.

i have been a people person most of my life, now i can barely stand most of them.  how ironic.  once surrounded by friends, now i only have a couple long-distance relationships that are pretty superficial.   i think i have a lot of anger inside, still, about all this, but i have a hard time knowing. 

anyway, feeling a bit better today, my legs are coming back, my voice is better/stronger, but still under the weather.  this will take about a week before i'm back to my normal.  i think i have to re-gauge once again.  it's so wearing.  living here doesn't help.  i have to make do for now, which is stressful on a day-to-day basis.  so, figure it out once again and start over.

it's just so frustrating.  i began lifting again, loved it, light weights, taking my time (i thought), going slowly, when suddenly my muscles hurt too much when normally they wouldn't.  well, it's the toxins in them from absorbed emotions (this is how i see it - i have no other explanation) and the process of tearing down and rebuilding the muscle suddenly became too much, and i had to stop because of the stress of it.   p's me off.  my weights are now in the closet once again.

yeah, there's the anger.  i can't do what i want cuz i end up having to go back to the beginning after feeling crummy for a week.  this crapola sucks!!!   one more time.  i have little faith that this will ever get better.  that p's me off, too.  c'mom anger!  GET OUT OF ME!!!

ok, just pounded my bed, which felt good and bad.  my arm hurts now, but i at least physically released some of the poison.  big exhale.  that's why i write here - it helps me get to the anger that i don't normally have access to.  for some reason writing helps it to show itself.   i think i may be a really angry person.

which is why the last few years of my drinking, i went from being a very happy drunk to a very angry one.  the alc. stifled my inhibitions around anger.  o, geez.  what a frickin' mess.

Geez, San. That sounds tough. I don't really think about it much at my age, but my body allows me to do all kinds of important things. I've been sick for a few days at a time, but I can't imagine the stress of being like that everyday. Kudos to you to be able to find ways to deal with it.

It must be pretty stressful to be able to not do the things that you loved as well and as often. I'd go crazy if I just suddenly lost my ability to do advanced math or creative writing. It's okay to miss things. It's okay to be messy.

:hug:

Hi SanMagic,
:hug: I want to say more, but really a hug encapsulates what I wanted to convey to you - just a very gentle one though, so not to hurt your body.  Expressing anger - I admire the fact you were able to do that - although sorry that you've hurt your arm when you were expressing it.
Take care,
Hope  :)

thanks, d.r., for reminding me it's ok to be messy.  this stuff just saps my energy.  i'm running low right now.

thanks, hope for your gentle, caring hug.  you are just the gentlest person i know, i think. 

i'm feeling better today, but responding to posts today has now left me tired, so i'll have to stop for now.  i've been thru this stress sickness bit at least 100 times in the past 20 years.  this was the first time i really attached the lack of recognition of an emotion to it. 

i was able to get angry again yesterday at the fact that the people here don't take care of ice and snow properly, which makes it dangerous for me to go out.  maybe it's just my own stuff, but like i said, i think i'm a very angry person after absorbing it for nearly all my life, so everything can irritate and annoy me if it interferes in what i want to do.  especially if it's  something that's good for me.  ugh and arrrrgh!!!

so, little by little, i'll feel better.  i just need time and rest - this usually takes a week or two to pass.  i just hate so much that it still keeps happening.  i can still remember what it was like to feel well.  i guess that's something.  wish i could respond to everyone, but that'll have to keep for a bit yet. 

Glad to hear that you are feeling better today, and that you are pacing yourself with taking breaks.

Ice and snow can be dangerous, makes it impossible to maneouver outside! No wonder it makes you mad.

feeling a bit better this morning, used up my energy writing here, so now it's time to eat something and take a nap.  i love all of you.

 :hug: :hug: and have a good  :zzz: :zzz:

 :hug: So glad you are feeling better! food and nap sounds like a wise choice!

A nap sounds relaxing after a hard day. Take care, San.  :hug:

thank you all.  every day now is a little better.  this is nothing new to me - been thru it so many times.  it's on its last legs now.  still there, but beginning to fade more and more.  i just have to continue to take it easy till it's all gone.

i got so mad last nite at the ex of my d who i can no longer stand.  she's living with him and his bro, and she runs a business with him.  he dropped a bomb on her last nite, and she now turns to me more regularly.  so, the drama continues second-hand in my life.

i was able to let out some of my anger, but she can only take so much and told me she didn't want to talk about it anymore.  i find him now to be extremely selfish, in a neg. sense, and unreliable.  she and i are of the type to step up to the plate when something needs to be done quickly, find that extra bit of stamina, and push ourselves thru to the finish.  then we rest.

on the other hand, he and his bro tend to be weaklings in so many ways.  isn't true to his word, and the bro doesn't care about anything so it's hard to get a handle on anything about him.  yeah, they're both quite damaged, too, but once again, how different some of us have become compared to others who have had similar experiences.

my d's birthday is coming up, and she wants the 2 of them and another couple to all go out to dinner together.  i have a very difficult time hiding my feelings about someone (my face is unable to become a mask) and i can't stand the thought of sitting through a dinner with them, let alone they have to pick me up and drop me off.

ugh.  i'll do my best for my d's sake, but i'll be glad when she gets away from him.   i'd like for her to just dump him and go in another direction without him.  it's difficult for me to continue seeing this happen to her with him - this isn't the only drama that's happened because of him in the past few months.   p's me off.

so, angry today, but glad to be writing about it.  glad to be feeling it, altho it's more friggin' stress, which i just don't need at this time.  god, give me the strength to get thru another day.  please.

I'm sorry to hear that your d's ex is acting in such an unkind and douchey manner. I hope alongside you that she will get rid of him and move to better pastures soon. It's a shi**y situation to be stuck in. I hope they figure it out fast!

It's okay to be angry when someone is hurting your d, and people you love and care about. I think it's healthy that you're in contact with your anger now!

:bighug: I am so glad you're feeling better, and here's a big hug for you to feel even better! You've meant alot to me these few months I've been here.

thanks so much, sceal, for those wonderfully descriptive words - loved them!!!

i do know it's ok to be angry at him, but i don't want to show it in front of her.  she's still emotionally attached to him, hasn't untangled herself yet, so i want to be civil to him in front of her.  she would not like me showing my true emotions - she's still protective of him in many ways.

she asked me today not to bring anything up about the situation unless she says something first.  she's asked that about other things as well, so out of respect, i will now keep my distance from the subject.  i've found that, in the past, when i've backed off, she trusts me and will eventually open up further.

all i can do is plant the seeds, sit back, and hope they take root.  i can't tell her what to do.

so, on the other hand, this stuff is emotionally draining for me.   i don't need the drama and its ensuing stress.  hopefully, this will end sooner rather than later.  i'm ready for peace and quiet in my life.   

thanks again, blueberry, d.r., and sceal for all your support and care.  i just wallow in it.

food pantry today.  one of my housemates turned me on to this, and it has totally saved me financially.  i'm able to go twice a month, and i really don't know how i would have made it without this.  the doc bills are still coming in, i'm still generating new ones, and the rent was raised last month.  luckily i don't require much more than the basics to continue to be ok.

up early again this morning.  i've been talked to in the past about my 'sleep hygiene', and i do go to bed about the same time every nite, but dang if it doesn't matter.  this morning i was up by 3:30.  i've given up worrying about it - it is what it is, and it doesn't seem to make any difference anymore.  i sleep in chunks, have done so for a long time, and i guess that's what my body is used to.  i'll be going back to bed soon.

still writing and re-writing.  can't do that for very long, especially not concentrating like that.  maybe a half hour at a time, then my brain becomes mushy.  but i'm able to do it a few times a day this way.  still, it makes for slow going.  another 'it is what it is'.

ok, time to eat and sleep, then get ready for the rest of the day.  i think this is called surviving.  i know walker's book references 'thriving' but i can't seem to picture that anymore.  too worn down.  i did thrive for a while, or so it seemed.  had a lot of fun for a time.  that's all gone now.  the memories are worth bringing back every so often - sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll, living the free spirit life. 

my future is all in the past now.  i'm very glad for all the young people here - you have a future to look forward to.   i have no doubt about that.  i'm just glad that i have some of that to remember.  it wasn't all horrible.  i don't regret it.  now i just want to survive so i can keep helping my d.  she deserves it, has done a lot for me.  yeah, i'm content for the most part.

I hope you find a way to thrive again, perhaps the book will give you a sense of something positive down the line.
You have been through alot, and you've recently also been sick. Sometimes we just need a break from fighting and just exist, til we have enough strength to buckle up again. Perhaps this is something for you right now. (unless this is just a young persons perspective? :) )

I don't think you should worry too much about sleep. As long as you go to bed at the same hour everyday, it should be fine. The older we get the less sleep we require. You probably don't need 8 hours anymore, I think it's after 30 it actually slowly starts to recline how much sleep one needs.

I'm sending you a warm hug, and inviting you to an imaginary tea-party with pastries.

I love the idea of a tea party, Sceal!!!

San, I am sorry you are having such a difficult time with all of this. It sounds like a lot to handle, but it is good to hear you are still content. I am with Sceal, hoping that there is still some thriving ahead of you even if just some small bits. As one of those young people, I am glad you see so much ahead of all of us. Hoping to live some of that free spirit life at some point

sceal, a tea party sounds lovely.  thanks for the idea - i can picture it.  i don't picture thriving cuz i'm too ill and old - don't think there's enough time.  i just want to survive until my d can make it on her own financially (i'm still helping her out).  that's what's keeping me going. 

el, thanks, as always.  i can't imagine it, but that doesn't mean it might not become a reality some day.  who knows, really.

woke up disturbed from a dream this morning.  i was with friends, found a newborn, don't know the gender, never cried.  i was desperately looking for someone to help me, to take care of this child, but everyone turned away.  it may be that reading about your littles, el, may have opened up that part of me that's been frozen in time, back to when i was born.

it was disturbing cuz i didn't know what to do.  it wasn't my child but it seemed like i was the one who would end up taking care of it, not by choice.   still don't really know what to do.  i just mind-scanned my body - the baby is safe in my heart.  i guess that answers my question.  and, here come the tears.  dang, i'm so sad, always have been, for everybody's pain.

i thought there was something else i was going to write about, but this trumped it, blew it away. 

i once had a counselor who told me to imagine myself at the end of my life and tell her how old i was.  i knew right away i was 92.  i've held onto that for some reason, believing that it's truth.  it gives me 22 more years to live.  maybe that is enough time to know thriving once again.

o, i know.  after reading hope's journal entry, i thought of what she said about feeling more real because some of her walls were coming down, her defenses, and that it made her feel more vulnerable.  i said that i thought it was because of newfound strength, but at the time i thought of myself, too, and how as i continue on in recovery, i feel less strong.

for one, i'm noticing dissociating where i've never noticed it before.  last doc visit, i lost myself till my d touched my leg and let me know she was there.  that had never happened before, and she described to me later how she could see my anxiety growing by things i was doing w/ my hands and muscles.  i wasn't aware at all, forgot she was there, and this is something very new for me.

i can't figure out how this can be me getting stronger.  i thought it worked the other way - the further into recovery, the less we need to dissociate.  yet, i'm seeing the opposite with me.  i don't understand this, unless i'm stronger for the fact that i'm now realizing it?  but this phenomenon, i'm not aware that i've ever done it before.  very confusing to me.

so, off to the food pantry, being my charming self.  hmmm . . .

San, I am glad you recognize the possibility is there. Honestly it is a selfish desire that I do truly hope you have another 22 years of life yet. I am sure you would fill those years (and however many you do have) with many wonderful times of healing and hopefully joy as well. I have never been able to envision myself more than about 60 which is hopefully not actually the case. Maybe just the young person in me.

As far as your dream, it does seem that maybe having read about my littles your own thoughts are being affected. It is hard to care for those little ones, especially if it is an infant that you are envisioning. I am glad it is safe in your heart, that is a wonderful place to be. Your heart is full of such strength, warmth, kindness, and love. I have witnessed all of that and more  :hug:

Dissociating more may just be a wave right now. You have been undergoing even more stress lately, that can cause spikes in symptoms. I do believe you are growing stronger and wiser in recovery but also believe that all of us go through phases. It is all a set of waves, as is the rest of life.

Sending a hug of comfort and compassion.  :hug: Love to you my dear

thanks, el.  i didn't think of the stress factor, but that could certainly tie into it.  i don't think i thought of it cuz i'm feeling less stressed in general than i have in years and years.  more than 30 yrs., actually.  way more - more than 40, if i think about it.  i married my first hub in 71, and within a year the cheating began.  so, yeah, more than 40.

i guess most of my stress now is financial and medical/health issues.  expectations to get more tests done, but i don't have the money to do that and i end up not knowing the full extent of what might be wrong with me.  pick and choose what i think is most important rather than the docs thinking they're all important.  which they may be, but i just can't afford them all. 

my d has really been soothing and reassuring to me in all this.  she's always been patient with me when i'd come to visit her, and very kind to me.  it was such a contrast between her and d1, and i'd always thank her for her kindnesses (crying, of course) and she'd be confused cuz it's her nature to be kind and considerate.

once she understood about her sis, and experienced some of it herself, could put those behaviors toward her into the abusive category, she began seeing me in a different light, realized what i'd been saying for years, and accepted my tears even more easily cuz she knew i hadn't had very much kindness in my life.  she's been a jewel in my crown.

having her in my corner has been so important since i moved back here, but i still have that disconnected feeling when i'm not actually talking to or being with her.  it's like i can't make that bridge of feeling/knowing she's with me unless i'm in actual contact with her.  it's horrible, makes me doubt myself and our relationship. 

i know others experience this, i've had a hard time getting the feeling up to a place of consciousness in order to verbalize it.  i may have even written about this before, i don't know, but if i did, i lost it.  so, here it is again.  maybe writing it this time will help it to stick.

i think i do pretty much the same thing here.  it may be part of why i am so eager to read something pos. that someone says about me or what i posted.  i can't make this good stuff stick for some reason, so i end up feeling on my own most of the time.  still.

i know when i see it, but still have a hard time taking it in, making it a part of me.  translating it into a 'knowing'.  so very frustrating.  dang, it's hard to verbalize this, like this still shouldn't be happening, like i 'should' have gotten past this (i know the 'should' is there and that sucks) by now, but it is still there and i accept it on some level, but elsewhere within me it's just not there.

ok, confusing, frustrating, smacks me in the face how much this beast has run my life, continues to keep me from knowing pos. stuff, from feeling it.  crapola. 

no food bank yesterday, postponed till next week, but i did manage to be able to walk to the store this morning, get some stuff i've run out of, fruits and veggies especially.  my body calls out for them now, which i'm glad of.  wanted to end this on a lighter note, cuz i didn't want to drag the other thoughts with me into my day.  i'm doing ok.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 02, 2018, 04:30:47 PM

i can't make this good stuff stick for some reason, so i end up feeling on my own most of the time.  still.

i know when i see it, but still have a hard time taking it in, making it a part of me.  translating it into a 'knowing'.  so very frustrating.  dang, it's hard to verbalize this, like this still shouldn't be happening, like i 'should' have gotten past this (i know the 'should' is there and that sucks) by now, but it is still there and i accept it on some level, but elsewhere within me it's just not there.

Hi SanMagic,
I know you are struggling to 'verbalize' but you wrote very clearly - and I relate to what you said about no matter how much you can hear something - or be told something is good - that it's tough to get that to 'stick' - to truely 'hear' it and to truely appreciate it as a potential truth.   Maybe that's the inner critic who can't listen to it.  That's what I wonder - someone mentioned the 'inner critic' holding things from view - maybe your inner critic can't cope with you having some positives - but I'd love to say 'stand aside' inner critic, and hopefully SanMagic will be able to shine and feel the warm glow of positivity that radiates from her.  I feel that, SanMagic - and I wish you could see and feel it too.  Maybe a ray of light from it will 'stick' - and you'll be warmed by it.

I hope I've not over-stepped by writing so much here, but I just felt I wanted to say that.   :hug: to you SanMagic. 

Hope  :)

hope, no, you haven't overstepped anything.  what you said moved me.

i haven't really had much of an inner critic all my life - not like what i read here from others - mainly, i think, it wasn't allowed.  since i was 'perfect', i couldn't take criticism very well at all from others (even constructive) because it was attacking my core being.  therefore, i would not criticize myself.  that core has been too well defended, even from me.

therefore, you may be spot on, but i have no realization of it cuz it hasn't existed for me.  i'd never have thought of it at all, except that you brought it up.  thank you. 

my chest is like turbulent waves right now, so i'm guessing you struck a chord.  something to explore, but it feels overwhelming at this moment.  i want to flatly deny it, but i won't.  it's a possibility that i'm so out of touch with, it almost doesn't make sense to me.  almost.  a tiny voice is trying to be heard, but it's too small right now.

anyway, one more thing.  i really appreciate you taking that chance, hope.  it may have taken another brick out of the wall of self-denial.  thank you, sweetie.  i want to cry right now.

feeling miserable again today.  i can't stand these ups and downs, backs and forths.  they are driving me nuts.  the wear me down so badly.  big sigh.  just help me get thru the day, one more time.  my new mantra, i think.

 :bighug:

thanks, d.r.  brought a smile to my face, and that's never a bad thing.

strange dreams wilding about in my sleep lately.  still not feeling too great today.  i feel scattered.  woke up this morning from a dream that resounded with dylan's 'hard rain is gonna fall'.  it was the song sung for his acceptance of the nobel prize by someone else, who was affected so profoundly by the words that she stumbled thru them at one point.   it was a profound dream as well, but not disturbing. 

in it the man who sang the song died, and i went to stay with his wife and kids for a few weeks to help out.  very calm and peaceful environment, very much my groove, so i felt comfortable and appreciated.   ooooh, i felt those things.  that doesn't happen much in real life at all, hardly ever.  but i was able to feel it in that dream.  what a lovely feeling.  hoping some day to feel that in my life. 

my chest hurts, is tight after writing that, which to me is a sign of fear.  don't know of what - having that lovely feeling?  can't grasp it. 

there was a fight in the house yesterday between the ll and another tenant.  i had to wait till they were done before i could go to the kitchen.  terrible vibes, raised voices on both sides.

when i came out, he'd gone back to his room, and i went to the sink to wash my dish when she began complaining about him, what he was and wasn't doing.  she's complained to me before about everyone, but this time she literally got in my face, like 3" away, just gritching about him and the others.

i finally had to tell her that i was getting anxious, needed to go to my room.  she apologized as i was finishing up in the kitchen.  she looked so small and forlorn standing there, i gathered her in for a hug, which produced a big sigh and relaxing her body into me. 

in some ways i feel sorry for her, but like her son told me, she makes things as hard for herself as possible.  she cleans the others' rooms if they don't live up to her standards, then complains to me.  at first, when i was new and being friendly, i'd listen, but i didn't expect that this was going to continue.  then her son complains to me when we go to the food pantry about her, and all this neg. sent me into a spiral today.

so, the xanax came out cuz i began feeling miserable once again.  i just wanna get out of here - the tension now is thick, and with this came a closing down of the dishwasher (which i never use anyway, but that's what the argument began about and escalated from there).  so now i go to get food and there are signs all over that the dishwasher is now off limits, everyone must wash, dry, and put away their dishes immediately, and i get tight just seeing that.

i just had to write it down here.  i'm feeling sick-y again cuz of the stress, and last night sent me over the edge.  had to get it out of me.   my hub tries to encourage me to just 'let it go, not your problem' but i've tried to explain for the 1000th time that it doesn't work that way for me.  it does for him, i guess, and i wish i could be like that.

out to the porch this evening.  i'm hoping to write a bit today, but that's seeming more and more like a fruitless task.  i really don't think it'll go anywhere now, cuz i don't have that creativity needed for novelization.  it's a good story, but dry, and i can't make it more moist.  i've been trying, but i can't see it being enough.  i'm sick to my soul about this.  i don't know how to do it any better, how to make it so it lives up to my d's pub. standards. 

and i don't have the energy to attempt getting it published somewhere else.  i just wanted to write a book that she could publish and make some money for herself.  it used to be plain in my mind that that would actually happen, but i can't visualize it anymore.  once again, i'm feeling crappy.  i don't want to keep doing this, feeling like this.  i'm too tired.

 :hug:
Having negative atmosphere in ones home makes it hard to deal with. Even if you're not at the center, or even directly involved in the conflict! I'm sorry you had to listen to it, and got dragged into her anger at the end. Giving her a hug was probably the thing she needed the most at that time so she could calm down. You're a very good person, San. :)

About the book, maybe it is time you give it to the publishers for feedback? It's hard to know what and how to change anything, to make it better, if you don't have any constructive critisism. I had to ask around when I wrote mine, because I kept getting stuck. I didn't always do as they suggested, but it helped me think in new ways. It helped making it flow better.  :hug:
Don't give up. You can do this, I'm sure of it. Might be you need to give yourself a few days, a week, to NOT think about the book. To have a break from the pressure.

Hi SanMagic,
It sounds like a tough time you've had, having to deal with that scenario in the house - really tough, and I am not surprised that you're feeling as you describe.  That would be tough for anyone to deal with - and I know you've already had such a lot to cope with - it's not fair sometimes is it - that's what I think sometimes.

I was thinking about what you said about your book - and wondering why when people write something about their own lives and experiences, that it needs to be moistened up to provide something that a publisher will 'appreciate' - it's like making the experience something that it wasn't - like providing some kind of 'hook' to invite and audience to 'watch' or 'read' - when often the true-life experiences aren't necessarily 'moist' - they are 'dry' 'gritty' and 'true'. 

I like the fact you are 'true to yourself' - or at least that's what come out from you, SanMagic.  I feel sure your book will be 'true' and 'readable' - and like Sceal said - maybe look for some feedback 'as it is now' - because you may find it's more 'readable' and absolutely fine as it is now.  Just as I think you are - fine as you are now.

My inner critic is telling me I shouldn't be writing all of this, but a stronger part of me wants to communicate this to you, and I hope it's ok.   Sorry for writing so much in your diary/Journal. 

Just wanted to send you a warm hug  :hug:

Hope  :)

sceal, thank you as always.  i've already gotten feedback from others, and from my d, so this is my final re-work.  i've had various feedbacks from several people, all of whom really liked it, but my d is a stickler, and she's the one i have to please.  i'm doing it for her sake, for her company.

i've written lots of other things, including having a paper published in a prof. journal, so i and she also know i can write.  this is my first shot at a novel, tho, and it's very different and difficult for me.  one of the things that go with alexithymia is a lack of creativity for its own sake. 

creativity is available when used to solve a problem, such as when i was actively doing therapy.  i was extremely creative as to how to resolve problems i had with the girls i worked with.  however, for myself, my brain doesn't work that way.  like, i am not able to go into a bare room and picture what it might look like when furniture, etc., is added.  i can copy something in pencil, but i can't come up with some artistic something on my own.

so, writing non-fiction has been easy for me, but doing a fictional story has been extremely difficult.  i flounder regularly.

and hope, that speaks to your response, too.  this is not a memoir about me or my life, it is fiction with elements of reality about humanity and the world included.   i've been an avid reader since i was a little girl, so i'm familiar with different styles of writing, and i know when something is dry and boring, monotonous.  it's just that when writing it myself, i can't see it as plainly, and that's where i struggle.

and, no, you didn't write too much, hope.  your thoughts and opinions are wonderful for me to hear.

so, today, i'm still in the throes of this household and its goings-on.   there is now some game-playing happening, which i really don't like.   i just want to stay out of everyone's way here.  too many agendas flying, too much negativity.  this tension isn't good for me, and i didn't expect it when i came here and it's kind of taken me by surprise.

so, i just want to be by myself, stay in my room, write, play games, watch tennis - just be.  plus, fri. is my mammo, and i'm dreading that.  don't know what they're going to decide - i've already had this examined twice and no clear diagnosis.  the doc bills are piling up again, this is an expensive month for me, and i'm feeling sick to my stomach.  yesterday was a xanax and eating day.  haven't doubled up like that for awhile.

give me the strength to get thru today.  that's all i ask.

sceal and hope, if i haven't told you before, i love you both. 

Well, San. I relate to how alextithymia makes creativity for its own sake harder. My brain works better analytically, than imaginatively.

This might be different for you and that's okay, but I'd like to suggest things. Usually even if I find other emotions hard to access and understand without a lot of time spent thinking about them, I can make use of certain "key" emotions I always seem to be aware of to be a major guide in the process.

Another thing I try with stories is to make it an even more "logical" problem. What do I mean by that? Well, that means making certain limits in the process. Things like words that have to be included in the story (Online random word generator helps) or the part of the story having to need a certain ending or start (that you can copy a sentence at random from another book).

When certain set rules are made, it becomes less of a creative emotional problem and more of a creative logical problem - with rules to go through or around from. Less variety of options to overwhelm my lack of awareness of my emotions to decide from subjective choices, but enough to remove many of the more predictable ideas as well for the good ones to stay.

Sorry you have trouble with all the bills to pay, and health problems too. I know how to budget my own allowance from my parents, but all the adult finances like major health bills sound tough and a whole other more confusing world to me.

Love you, San. I hope I didn't take too much space here.  :hug:

Well, hope I didn't bother too much

thanks, d.r.  i love you right back.   :hug:

realized that my scared little me came to the fore today cuz of that mammo tomorrow.  i remembered that with all the illnesses and surgeries and doc situations i went thru as a child, my parents weren't really with me.  ever.  i had to go thru all that on my own, just do it, just do it just do it.

just absorb, tolerate, make the best of.  now this is coming out for me, when i've had so many more situations as an adult that i took in my stride.  why am i not getting stronger about this?  it's bothering me so much more now than ever before.  i don't get it.  i feel awful - my d won't be with me, am getting a ride from a strange man in the rideshare program.  i would think that i could just go and get it done and deal with the results.

i've been thru the cancer thing last year, this could be a second one in 6 months.  i hate feeling this fear at this time in my life.  i'm nearly sick with it.  and i know it was an ef that i experienced cuz i felt 6 again, the age when i got my tonsils out.    my aunt brought me a doll that afternoon in the hospital, but i don't remember how i got home. 

i've been doing this on my own forever.  and now is the first time i'm scared about it.  it just doesn't make sense to me.

Caring  :hug: :hug: to help you not feel so alone!

blueberry, you reminded me of how i've been able to surround myself with all of you when i came across the border last year.  you all were a shield for me, and i really did not feel alone.  i will do that tomorrow.  thank you for that - you and everyone else will be with me.

i was able to talk to my d today, too, and she also told me she'll be with me in spirit, so that helped.  so did a couple of danish and a roast beef sandwich!  really pushed all that fear way down.   just messy, messy.  one thing she told me is that i'm not the same person i was back then, which is true.

i would think i'd be stronger instead of feeling weaker, but maybe it's cuz i feel safe enough to be so vulnerable now, plus the work i've been doing has truly been re-wiring my brain, allowing these emotions to come thru.   after all, if i think of this rationally, most people would feel scared in this situation.  it's been an aberration that i haven't been before now.

that's a whole new perspective for me, one i don't have much practice with.  that this would be normal rather than how i'd been in the past.  wowser.  quite a realization for me. 

i'm emotionally shredded right now.  still no definite diagnosis, they want me to have another ultrasound.  that would be the 4th time looking at this, and i can't take it.  tears are dribbling down my face, i'm eating everything i can get my hands on, and xanax is trying to do its thing as well.

i can't take this, i feel so awful, i just want it all done.  i don't care.

I really feel for you San.
Please keep holding on, even though it is so hard.
We are here for you, sending love from all around the world.
:hug:

Sorry San for what you're going through. Sending some love too with a hug.  :hug:

radical, and d.r. - you have both helped me so much to get thru this.  i felt your concern and love and it was wonderful.

so, it's over, nothing's wrong.  they couldn't even find the original mass that put this whole thing in motion.  and, i felt no relief at all.  all i felt was anger.

my d was so grateful there was nothing wrong, and i wish i could've felt the same, but it just wasn't there.  on my 'difficult days' thread, i wrote that i wanted to complain, but would feel gratitude for everyone getting me thru this past week.  for everyone here, for my d and hub, i am forever grateful, there is no doubt about that.

however, for the fact that nothing was found after having gone thru all this *, i was so p.o.'d, i couldn't speak.  literally.  everyone was/is so glad for me, i know that, but my truth was/seems so selfish - that i had to go thru all this all over again just to be told that nothing's wrong.

i felt so pressured (not by anyone here) to be grateful, that i didn't write how i really felt.  instead, i ate an inordinate amount of food this afternoon, pushing down my true emotion.  i felt like i 'should' be grateful, that complaining and being angry was going against how everyone else felt and i was wrong for having my own, nearly incomprehensible feelings of anger.

now that i think of it, was this an ef?  it seemed that i was reliving over 30 yrs. of docs telling me there was nothing wrong, even tho this time it was not me who had the complaint.  i had to go thru 4 bouts of discomfort, distress, pain, and the stress of these imagings without anything to show for it.

does it sound like i wanted cancer to be there?  really, no, i don't.  i've just gone thru this song and dance so very many times with nothing to show for it, so to speak.  is it just that doc visits/appts. are going to trigger me cuz of my history?  i have to admit it - i'm so ticked off to have had to go thru all this.  it may not make sense to anyone else, but i can't help it.

dang, it's always something.  i don't understand this, don't expect anyone else to, either.  but, i wanted to get this out, to proclaim it, in order to be ok with it.  now the tears are coming.  i'm so sad that i have to keep going thru this crapola, so mad that as many times as i've done the right thing, sought help, it deflated in front of me like mud bubbles.

i'm so pissed off that i had to go thru all these mammo's and ultra-sounds, all of which were extremely stressful, not only while i was going thru it but afterwards for days cuz they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, which was nothing.  once again.  there, i said it, it is what it is, and now i'm feeling defensive about it.  what the ef? 

i hope i'm going to learn something from this, be able to figure this out.  i don't know if i'll get over this, if it's too much over too long a time.  last time i went to the doc, i ripped him a new one, last week i made the tech feel like crap cuz i was so snarky about going thru another episode of this crap.    it wasn't her fault.

i guess i need some time to reflect on this.    i hate this.  it just doesn't go away.

 :hug:

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

thank you berceuse and d.r. for the hugs.  i'm just resting today - feel tired.  i'm ok, tho.  just need some time without any pressures, deadlines, appts., or places to go.  i've got a week of that, and it looks so good.

a thought crossed my mind a moment ago - i love life.  i haven't thought of this for a very long time.  i used to tell people that i'd want 'she loved life' inscribed on my tombstone.  somewhere along the way i lost that belief.  just now, it flitted thru my mind, and it was a surprise.  i didn't think i'd ever see that again.

maybe i'm beginning to heal for real. 

I'm glad this is happening, San. You had it so hard in your life, San, and tried your absolute best to recover and become a better person. I remember you told me once when I finally felt like I was enough, you said if it'd happen once, it could happen again.

Love you, San.  :grouphug:

i sent the letter to that t that i wasn't going to pay her any more than she's already been paid by my insurance, and included why.  it wasn't till a couple hours after i put it in the mail that i just burst into tears.  i'm feeling very down now, and that's the only thing i can think of.

i don't regret it, i just wish sometimes that i would be different, not rock the boat, just let it be.  i would advocate this action for anyone who didn't get satisfactory therapeutic treatment, and tell them how brave and courageous they are to do it, but all i feel for myself is sadness.  i think, now that i'm writing, is that i finally took a chance again by going to see someone, had such high hopes that i'd get the help i needed, and was let down with a bang. 

so, i'll just make it thru the rest of the nite and keep going again tomorrow. 

thank you d.r.  you wrote just as i was finishing up, and the timing was perfect.  love you right back.  if i told that to you, i must believe it for myself as well.  hugs  to you, too.

i forget how much i've gone thru, how much i keep going thru.  i couldn't have made it this far without all kinds of help.  wouldn't make it till tomorrow without the help.  i just ask for the strength to make it thru one more day, and so far i've gotten it.  miracles and magic - that's where i put my trust, even when i don't always remember.  but they've never let me down when i've needed them most.

they'll come thru again - your post, d.r., was part of them. 

I'm glad you felt better, San. You told me that I tried my best when confronting someone, and I think you tried your best too.

:hug:

i just need to write this down, get some of it out of me.

the stress keeps building, as well as being in physical pain.  my back blurted back up after this last exam, and all i can do is take painkillers and wait for it to settle down again after the stress from that incident leaves.  in the meantime, i will be moving with my daughter in a few months, so i have to tell my landlady she's losing another tenant.

this house situation is more like a community rather than landlord of apts. situation.  we're all just renting rooms, but share the kitchen and bathrooms, so we're on a little closer terms than if we all had our own apts.  my ll and i have shared tears and confidences, and i know she struggles financially, which is why she rents her bedrooms out.  she's losing one person in a couple months, and i have to tell her now that she'll also be losing me.

i know it will be a big blow to her.  it can't be helped.  this has been the best place for me to be during this first year i'm back from mexico, but it's been such a stressful year - just the move and leaving my hub of 16 yrs. in another country should be enough emotional excess for a year.  but i've had cancer surgery, illness, more doc visits, tests, and exams than i can count now, the bills keep coming, and am now looking toward re-packing and moving once again.

the stress just keeps piling up.  i'm bursting into tears again at random times.  ate sugar for 2 weeks straight.  the pain in my back is from stress, and keeps me from going out and walking, cuz that'll just make it worse.  my d is in a neg. emotional state cuz this move was forced on her by circumstances over which she had no control.  we have very little money to make a move, no car, and i don't know how this is going to be accomplished.

that's the worst part - i can't visualize this move.  i can't 'see' it happening, yet it has to happen because her lease will be up and she and her roomies had a parting of the ways.  not her choice, and she's struggling with that, with the fact that she'll have to live with her old, sick mother, 2 very independent women, even tho we're in a really good place together.  still.

and, i'm struggling with making the transition to being an old, sick woman who is dependent on her daughter for help.  i've never been in this position before, always took life by the horns and wrestled it to the ground.  now, i'm a person i never wanted to be.  the stress has taken its toll, and doesn't let up. 

i can only have faith in the magic, in the powers that be that we'll land on our feet somehow, but not being able to picture it is wreaking havoc with my being.   i've used visualization so much to my benefit in the past, that when it's not available, it scares me.  i don't know how to deal with it. 

this move will be gotten thru somehow, because it will have to.  that's all i have to go on right now.  i can't help but wonder if this will ever let up.  once again, dragging me down, and will be unless i know something more specific in the next couple of months. 

i also sent the letter to my ex-t, and i'm sure she's gotten it by now.  have no idea if there will be any consequences for that, either.  'there are too many of them!!!'  time to eat and sleep.  i wish it would all go away.

i just looked again at my title here.  i started this third journal when i turned 70, last oct.   it's not even 6 months, and survival is precisely the word/concept that fits here.   

My dear, you have been through so much in the six months that this journal has been here and truly in the year I have gotten to know you (odd it is about to be a year). I would like to send as much warmth, compassion, strength, and healing to you as I can. Physical ailments are so difficult now, I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. But you are one of the strongest, most resilient people I know. You will get through this move, and we will all help you on your way. Remember to take things one step a time a time, and be patient with yourself as you wouldn't tell me to do.

Earth mother spirit is there with you as well. Her voluminous skirts are full of the warmth and safety if sounds like you need right now. Sit wrapped up in them until you feel like you have gotten all the strength you need. Remember she is always there to offer comfort and compassion to you.

Sending you love, and gentle hugs  :hug:

you have now embodied her, dearest el, and i need that so much right now.  thank you for sending her back to me.  tearing up with this joy i feel for you.

Awe San, hearing that you think I have finally embodied her makes me tear up. I only hope to continue to do that.  I always wish to be as good at it as you are. You are teaching me a lot from afar  :hug:

Truly my dear, I love you

and i love you right back.  you are very precious to me.

That means the world to me. I hope you have been able to relax and start to breathe again today

a little bit.  time to hit the shower.  thank you for helping me keep my head above ground today. 

Always glad to help, dear  :hug:

You have had so incredbly much to deal with this past year alone, and yet you've been such an incredible strong and supportive person for me - and many others here on the forum.  I just want to thank you for the caring that you have for us here. It's vital.

I hope the conversation with your ll will be alright, and that she will not make it too difficult for you with feeling guilty. Circumstances change sometimes - and we all have to find ways to adapt. I think it will be good for you to move out from that location though. To hopefully have a home where you will feel more secure emotionally and physically.

Sending you some warmth, and I'll light a vanilla scented candle for you tonight.  :hug:

san, I'm sending  :hug: :hug:  :grouphug:  :bighug: and hoping it helps a little.

 :hug:

sceal, you beautiful thing, you.  the thought of that candle will help me sleep tonite.  thank you. 

blueberry, all those hugs helped waaaay more than a little.  so very sweet of you.  thank you.

the talk with the ll went well.  she's very sorry to see me go, as i'm the only one who's really given a rat's you-know-what about her and how much she works.  no guilt, no shame, which i was glad of.  another of her tenants is leaving in 5 weeks, so the timing wasn't the best, but i'll be leaving on good terms. 

glad of that, cuz i may need a referral letter from her to be able to be a tenant elsewhere.  don't know if she'll go that far, but it'll be worth a shot.  since i have no credit, it may be difficult for me to be seen as a viable tenant.   

it just sucks not having enough money to be sure of anything.  so much financial concerns to worry about - i've never been rich, never had money, but i've never felt so scared about this kind of thing, including not having a car (either of us) and my d wants to move to a small town that might not even have public transportation.  too many of these kinds of things    :stars:   yeah, whirling around my head just like that. 

so, the stress continues to wreak havoc with my well-being, which is why your support and well wishes brought such a big smile to my face and my heart.  you're all in my prayers every nite - everyone on this forum has truly been life-savers for me, continuing to keep my head above water.  i know i'll get thru this, but i really don't like being in the middle of it. 

i was really looking forward to being 70 and beyond.  didn't think it would be like this - i thought things would finally begin straightening out and becoming smoother.  instead, i find myself dealing with even more anxiety than ever, and it just doesn't let up.  i thought i was 'getting better', but all the medical stuff has knocked me on my keister, emotional stuff in my d's life that i find difficult to deal with, and more grieving continues to be felt.

i'm relying on xanax more often than i used to.  i've had this prescribed in the past in mexico by a shrink to deal with my anxiety, but managed to be able to cope without using it most of the time.  it was also to be able to sleep.  that got changed to clonazepam, which does still help me sleep, but doesn't quiet my mind quite the same way the xanax does.  i think i'm gonna ask my doc next month to switch them back. 

this really does feel like 9 steps back.  like i'm losing momentum now instead of moving forward even a little bit once in a while.  like i'm moving to a place i've read about that other people here have been struggling with for a long time, but i'd never had to.   

maybe it's technically progress that i'm having more feelings i can actually feel and identify, but it's really making me miserable most of the time.  i can still laugh, be sociable, have a good time, but when the distractions are over, i really don't like the way i feel, don't like the situation i'm in, and am having a more difficult time dealing with it all.

if this is progress, i'm really sorry that i'm making any, cuz it doesn't feel like it at all.  it feels worse than where i was a year ago, as far as me, personally.  maybe i've just been thru too much and it's taking its toll in this manner, and i'm not even aware.  or it's been so bad for so long that i don't even know anymore.

this situation now with my d and her ex is something that t's me off and breaks my heart at the same time.   i'm grateful that her friend that came to visit her last week also sees it as i do and is mad about it, so it's not just that i'm looking at it thru a mother's eyes.  i see him breaking her heart, being completely untrustworthy, throwing crumbs her way every so often so that she'll stay with him cuz he's scared to death she'll leave him, even tho he's now got a new girlfriend.

she doesn't see it the same way, grabs hold of those crumbs like lifesavers, like they mean that he's still this nice guy she originally fell for and has been in love with for 5 yrs.  he's broken up with her twice, but they've remained best friends.  i see so much of how i was in relationships in her - she has to be pushed off the edge cuz their behaviors/words/actions don't allow her to stay.  i've been there too many times and can see it too clearly now.

whew.  that felt good to get that out.  i've needed to talk about it, and didn't know i needed to.  can't talk to her about it cuz she doesn't want to hear bad things about him.  i know i have to let her move thru this at her own pace, and she is angry about it, is moving cuz of it, but she just latches onto any little pos. thing he does to try to maintain that he's really a good guy.

he's one of the most selfish guys i've ever met, and i've felt like that about him for years.  but i've loved him like a son, have worked at getting him to like me, and now, heaven help me, i can't stand him anymore.  can't fake it, and have to keep it in or risk alienating my d.  and i don't want to do that.

so, i'm just typing this out here, getting it out of my system.  my fingers are flying faster than my thoughts.  with anger in them.  tonite's her birthday, we're all supposed to go out to dinner to celebrate along with another couple, and don't know if he feels up to it.  for my sake, i hope he doesn't, cuz i don't want to spend 2 hrs. sitting across the table from him pretending like i think he's ok.

for her sake, i don't know what i wish.  if he shows up, she'll think that's grand.  if he doesn't, it may keep her anger up so she'll want to cut all ties with him, which is what i think would be best for her.  he's been riding her coattails with their business forever.  she'd be better off without him, in my opinion.  he's not reliable, and she needs someone who is.

anyway, enough of this crapola.  breathe.  in.  out.  feels better to get it out.  otherwise this is a fungus rotting away inside me.

thanks d.r.  just saw your hug.  perfect timing.  i needed that, too.

Glad you were able to get it all out. I just wanted to wish you the best, and say I listened to all that. When I'm tired, being on the spectrum makes people related subjects harder to understand, but when I've known that person intimately  for almost 6 months, then I get it more easily.  :bigwink:

I'm glad to understand a person like you more deeply. Glad to understand your struggles, your strengths, your insights, your past, your present, your possible future, and everything. Glad to see your own kindness, fear, anger, shame, and happiness. Glad to see you keep moving forward anyway.

I thought I'd change the most by getting inspired from observing some big famous person, but to understand someone in more ordinary situations doing extraordinary things in her own way, I can appreciate what's special in the ordinary.

Well, see you, San.  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 24, 2018, 12:45:33 AM

maybe it's technically progress that i'm having more feelings i can actually feel and identify, but it's really making me miserable most of the time.  i can still laugh, be sociable, have a good time, but when the distractions are over, i really don't like the way i feel, don't like the situation i'm in, and am having a more difficult time dealing with it all.

if this is progress, i'm really sorry that i'm making any, cuz it doesn't feel like it at all.  it feels worse than where i was a year ago, as far as me, personally.  maybe i've just been thru too much and it's taking its toll in this manner, and i'm not even aware.  or it's been so bad for so long that i don't even know anymore.

Hello San,

I actually %100 agree with your opinion here that it is a progress. It resonated a lot with me because I was writing about how I start to think "everything is going worse" once I moved out last summer. My explanation for this is that I start to dissociate less and feel more once I am away from my main triggers and because I was not yet very capable of regulating those emotions and calm myself down, my mind tried to explain the distress with a similar thought pattern. Now, back with my foo again, I think the reason was my incapability to regulate my emotions (mostly fear and anxiety at the time) because of trauma. Also, I think it certainly was a progress and it would go better if I decided to stay. Now, I actually miss and looking for feeling worse though I will probably not say that when I am in the middle of it.  ;D

d.r., would like to thank you so much for what you said.

berceuse, i get it, thank you very much.

i'm so tired today, i can't respond much.

i noticed a shift that must've happened sometime during the night.  one more rung off my pedestal, so it's embarrassing as well as feeling calming.  the idea that i don't have all the answers, that i can appreciate the experience and wisdom of others, and be ok with that instead of beating myself up for 'not realizing' or 'not writing' something a certain way when i've responded to other posts.

it's another chip out of my arrogance defenses, so it's exhausting, at the same time i feel more at peace, like i don't have to be in competition here when answering posts.  glack! 

anyway, gotta just rest today, but wanted to write this down, forced myself to write this down so i wouldn't hide from it.

san, this "i've never felt so scared about this kind of thing, including not having a car (either of us) and my d wants to move to a small town that might not even have public transportation." caught my eye, me as a non-driver and non-car-owner.

Is there a reason you have to follow your d's wishes of a small town without public transportation? Might there be a different small town or maybe smaller city with public transportation? I mean with your physical issues and pain and so on coupled with getting older anyway - I wouldn't want to be stuck somewhere without transportation.  Just concerned. But maybe you both have your sound reasons for this.  :hug:

blueberry, i've been thinking about what you said, wanted to honor the care and concern behind it.  thank you for that.

the idea of having 'sound reasons' for doing something is rather a new concept for me.  all the major changes i've done in my life were pretty much without 'sound' reasons.  i had reasons, most of which consisted of desperation, adventure, curiosity, instinct, or a sense that it's what i need to do.

being without fear, except for lately, i just did what seemed like a good idea at the time.  one thing i had was faith that whatever came up (if i even thought that neg. about it) i'd deal with it.  it was definitely faith rather than hope.  hope wasn't part of my make-up, either, but it wasn't neg., it just wasn't part of me.  i guess faith took its place.

so, what i'm looking at now, this move with my d, is the first time i've actually been afraid, can feel the fear of what a tremendous undertaking it is.  today, i'm feeling a bit stronger, so i don't feel so afraid.  when i wrote that, i was letting a lot of stuff out that was building up because of all the stress i've experienced lately (i think). 

she's another who has been battling all her life - i suspect she has c-ptsd cuz of her childhood with the madness of our family dynamics - and she's worked hard to overcome a lot of what went before, including a mother who neglected her because of what else was going on in our house.  it has been a dream of hers to come out to this part of the country for 15 yrs., and she finally made it.

so far.  i moved up here less than a year ago, hoping to be with her, but i wasn't part of her plans at all.  i was running from what i'd gone thru in mexico and my crumbling marriage.  i had no fear when i basically showed up on her doorstep without notice, so to speak.  she helped me find a place to live, drove me to get i.d., took me to doc appts., sat with me thru my surgery.  she's been a rock for me.

circumstances being what they've become, including my health and stress levels, i need, for me personally, to be with her.  she will not put me in danger.  she's aware of my anxiety, all the doc stuff - she's been there with me thru as much of it as she's been able.  unfortunately she got sidetracked in her job for 8 mos. due to undiagnosed herniated discs in her neck, and eventual surgery. 

so, she's just building up her business again, but has to move this summer, and has consented to me moving with her.  originally i was going to move here this coming june - but my senses caused me not to wait.  i was able to help her, and she, me, and she has the potential resources for both of us (i'm on a fixed retirement - soc. security).  she's wanted a house, and that's what she's looking for, would love to be near the sea if it's possible, but because of our financial circumstances, she also knows that it might not be possible right now.

so, i trust that she's going to do whatever she can to take the next step to realizing her dream, and she'll bring me with her.  i'm very grateful for that.  but i also know that she won't endanger me in any way, and if she can't find precisely what she wants right now for whatever reason, she'll make do until it's time to take the next step.

my fears are my own, feel foreign to me, and i have difficulty managing them, which is why i write them out here.  2 yrs. ago, i'd never have posted that cuz i still wouldn't have had access to such an emotion.   i haven't lived with being afraid of anything i undertook, most of which other people tried to talk me out of.  it always ended up ok. 

feeling stronger, i have faith that it will end up ok again.  i don't know where i'm headed, don't know what it's going to mean for me, but i want more than anything to help my d achieve her dream.  i've achieved most of mine, and she's been extremely supportive of everything she knew of that i gave a shot to.  i want to do the same for her.

is that a sound reason?  probably not.  a lot of people don't think of instinct, dreams, gut feelings as sound, period.  yet, that's what my entire life has been based on, and i've had a helluva ride.  i know i'm not always handling things well, especially the physical pain and the new emotions, but it's part of my life now.   

ok, tired.  thinking this hard tires me out.  can't do others' journals today, but i know that they'll all be ok without me.  that was a big step off my pedestal.  thanks, blueberry, for caring. 

You have a lot going on now.
A lot to think about, alot to prepare for. And uncertainty is scary, change is scary. And it's okay to have fears about it all. I hope though, that they wont swallow you whole. But if they do, you got us here to support you and try to help you through it.

You shouldn't feel obligated to respond to people's journal every time you are on here. Your own health and situation comes first.  :hug:
I am glad you took the night off from responding to others, and setting your own needs first. Good job!

I relate San. I rely on logic to make much of my decisions, but often in big decisions, there'll often be one so complicated I can't figure out anything at all. All I could do left is to follow my own gut about what to do.  Especially as I'm going through my own coming of age story.  :Idunno:

It's actually researched that following your own gut is actually a synthesis of unconscious information, so it's a lot more reliable than people think of it. Especially in areas where you have more experience— like how chess masters make most of their moves using gut feeling. The book  "Thought as System" had an entire philosophical set of arguments against using just thought to perceive and make decisions about the world.

I bet the future for both and many of us feels like one * of a ride, isn't it? I've ridden all kinds of amusement rides, and one wild roller coaster really did a number of me. It's strange, but there was a sense of calm during the rush at times while desparately holding on.

I hope I can be a bit of that calm, San.  :hug: to you.

thank you darling sceal for the encouragement in taking care of myself.  i think i've been 'doing things', so many of them at once for so long that i don't realize what would be a normal amount to be taking care of in order not to be swallowed up by it.  astute observation, something i'm only beginning to see for myself.

hello, my name is san, and i'm a sugar addict.

had a big, long day yesterday, got ice cream after lunch, got sweets at the food pantry, ate it till i got a headache last nite, and the headache is still with me this morning.  i'm hoping i've hit bottom with this.  last nite and today it became very obvious to me how abusive sugar is to me, and how i don't stop once i start.  this is my third meeting this morning. 

thank you for being here.  i needed to share this.  it just shows me that i still have at least one abusive relationship i have to go nc with.  i slept badly last nite, woke up at 2:30, which i don't doubt is a direct hit from my body processing all that sugar.  just gotta let it go thru now, and stay vlc - i'll still allow myself peanut butter and apples.  that doesn't give me this feeling.

on the subject of the shift i mentioned that took place the other day, it's still sticking, and brought very good insight for me.  my being perfect for so much of my life included coming up with definitive answers/solutions to questions/problems.  it suddenly struck me the other nite that i've been doing that here, too.

a bunch of stuff came together for me, including what i once referred to as being a  'validation junkie' here, and how i would constantly work at it in my head to give a definitive response to peoples' posts.   for some reason, in the past week, as i was reading others' responses and seeing how much sense they made to the person posting (where my response did not have that same quality) it came to me that there are a lot of areas of struggle which i can't relate to in the same way.

this time, however, instead of re-trying and following the lead of others, i heard myself saying in my head, 'all right. they know better than me.  i don't need to try for this one anymore, don't have to make more effort here', and for the first time in forever, i was ok with that.  that was a gigantic shift for me, a big notch down off my pedestal, and very freeing.  it was a big slash at my arrogance, shrinking it even further.

this competition within myself to have the right answers, know it all, be correct is akin to my belief that i needed straight a's, perfection at school in order to make my dad proud.  still looking for his validation, even at this late date.  suddenly, tho, it went away.  i don't have to take care of it all, don't have to be 'right' all the time, don't have to be everyone's 'knight in shining armor'. 

wow, what a burden i've been carrying.  didn't even realize it.  no wonder my shoulders have been hunched over and sloped since i was a kid (my dad used to call me 'hunchy' and threaten to put a board up my back so i'd stand straight.  i've thought for a long time that, even that young, i was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and this revelation makes it more clear to me just what that meant.

being perfect has been a very heavy weight.  and, even tho i've talked about this before, somehow it hasn't really changed until now.  i've felt an obligation, an obsession, and an expectation to be everything to everyone for a very long time.  i've done that in relationships of all kinds as well, including with my girlfriends. 

i'm seeing that pressure now with my daughter, with what i wrote a few days ago.  didn't put it all together.  my fear, i believe, is that i would fail at this venture, fail as a mother, fail as her support, as if this all needed to be on me.  whew.    at least that was part of my fear.  there may still be other parts, but they don't seem as overwhelming now, as if i got my faith back.

so that's where i am today.  besides the headache, i feel pretty good in spirit.  i have for a couple of days, and that feels good for a change.  but, what a roller coaster.  of course, why wouldn't it be.  i've done more in the past 8 mos. than i would ever expect anyone to do and come out smiling like  a rose. 

i think my breaks will be more productive now, not as desperate feeling, not like i'm running and battling at the same time.  yeah, doing those 2 things together would be exhausting to my spirit.  i heard yesterday that to run from your fears is exhausting, which is why it's actually easier, in the end, to face them.  that made sense to me for where i am at this point in my life. 

so, time to eat a little something and take a nap.  i'm in good hands here, and so is everyone else, and it feels like a huge weight lifted off me to be able to say that.

d.r. i just read your response before i posted this, and you have been on my mind for days.  what you said about me, pointing out that i'm flawed in a very rational way, just saying it with no neg. judgment on it, and especially how you see me even thru those flaws, what they've brought to you, made such a huge impact on me.  i just had to let you know.

i've been a big proponent of following your gut for a long time.  our head can explain things away that we don't want to see, our heart can overshadow things we need to see, but our gut will never steer us wrong.  it's a visceral sense, and instinct that we use which is always in our best interest.

you are definitely a big part of my calm, sweetie.  thank you for bringing your own unique perspective to me and my life, and for letting me know truthfully what you think at all times.  for some reason, i got shy at reading what you said before and i wanted to write that in small letters like you have so often done. 

No problem, San. I guess expectations push much of us here, huh? I'm glad you can let go of some of the weight.  :hug:

Yes, sometimes what you said to me was something I didn't relate with, and won't apply to me. Especially in how we see matters of the head and the heart at times. But each time you did, I was sure you did care, and sure you did try your best. That was enough.

I'm a problem solver. I'd figure out the answers. . . though only if I'm supported enough to believe I can do so, and boy can I be wildly lacking in confidence. Well, we do what each of us can do best and we each play a role. I remember in a Harvard Business book about leadership, it's a myth for even great leaders to be able to do everything perfectly. They have weaknesses too, so other people stick around to make up for them.

Life can be a bit like business in how we have different weaknesses and strengths to succeed. And that's alright. We can still do loads more for ourselves and others. People often think one is entirely right and one is entirely wrong, but for much of my time trying to progress through life, there's a truth to both. I've found some of that partial truth in what you say too, San.

That's why I think people debating political issues can be strange. They argue over two sides so much they forgot they could think up a third option.

I'll keep sharing what partial truth I can to you too, San. I don't see logic as just something for science. It's something for wisdom too. That's why I stay truthful in what I say, as much as accuracy is needed in equations.  :whistling: It's also a moral reason, yes, but mostly it's because I like things . . . accurate.

Yeah, small print makes it easier to say, doesn't it? Haha. I get shy when you say those things to me sometimes too.

thans, d.r. for every thing.

the main problem with being humbled, which i also don't have a lot of experience with, is that it is very stressful to me.  i've lost a big part of my defenses with this, and, while it's freeing in one sense, it's also a great loss, and the stress is overwhleming right now.

my back, which has become my newest stress receptacle, is absolutely killing me.  i can barely move for the pain.  i'd like to spend the rest of the day in bed, which is anathema to me, but unfortunately, that position take s a huge toll on my back.  so, once again, i'm going to rest as best as i can.  gonna do a relaxation exercise/guided relaxation, and a little xanax.  i'm so distracted by the pain i'm having a hard time functioning.

so, once again on the merry-go-round of trying to make it thru the day.  god, give me strength.  i know the anticipation of moving is playing a big part in this as well as the doc bills that won't let up.  today, my spirit is suffering.  this up and down crapola - will it ever end?

San, I wish I could read and properly respond to all of that. I really do, but self care and the need to not dissociate are telling me I can't catch up with all of the last two days at once.

I do want to remind you, that I am here with you. You have so much going on, and I am constantly amazed how well you are honestly doing with it. I know you will make it through this move, and maybe onto a place where you have slightly more peace in your life.

For now, remember that you can curl up in earth mother spirits skirts any time you need an extra dose of strength or comfort. She is always supportive and calm, ever present even if we can't physically be visualizing her flowing skirts.

Sending hugs and all my love  :hug:

So sorry you're in this funk, dear San! May voluminous, warm, loving folds of earth mother spirit surround you! Blessings to you, dear sister.   :hug:

I relate so deeply to the need for having the right answers, or saying the right thing at the right time. I just had a talk with my SA-lady so this topic has been on my mind as well lately. (It's funny how such coincidences happen sometimes huh? :) )
I am thrilled that you have now been able to put aside that heavy burden on your shoulders, and that it is making you feel more free.
Perhaps also more wholehearted towards yourself and those around you? At least, that's what I hope it'll be when I get there too.

Just loads of warm thoughts your way. :) And hugs  :hug:

Hmm. . . This mother earth spirit thing is getting more trendy, huh? Let me show you the true art of the meme.  :bigwink:

Mother earth spirit + lasers from eyes to razor sharp focus on resting.
Mother earth spirit + fast healing ability like deadpool, except she can pass it over to someone else.
Mother earth spirit + healing combo 2000 points to the critics.
Mother earth spirit + swift skirt defense move for any incoming attack.
Mother earth spirit + fancy word I never heard of upgrade — voluminous skirt mode final boss.

:hug:

el, you are always with me, and 3roses, our shared sisterhood helps give me strength when i'm in the depths.  both of you sending earth mother spirit at just this time has embraced me the past few days, and done a wonderful job.  i feel so much better today.  can't explain it - it must be magic.

sceal, yes, i do believe wholehearted is a good term to use.  more grounded, certainly, not looking down on others in some of the ways i have.  seeing myself and others with a whole heart now, instead of with past, impossible expectations that could only rend heart pieces preventing it from being whole, especially in my direction.  it was my 'self' that was the most hidden, therefore i had no idea how many pieces it had been reduced to.  keep the faith, darling sceal - it can happen.

d.r., i'm afraid that here is where our generational gap really comes into play.  i would have never thought of 'memes' for earth mother spirit, nor the word or concept of 'trending'.  to me, it is the nurturing, protective spirit of mother earth for all her creatures from time immemorial.  my visual of her is of a rather large woman with curly flyaway hair, flowers in it (of course), a peasant blouse, shawl, and a grand full skirt to the ground, so full of volume that it can and does embrace, enfold, and hold whoever or whatever needs comfort and care. 

but, sweetie, i thank you for you up-to-date takes on her.  you broadened my mind once again.  i only ever imagined her simplistically.

today, it's felt like a lot of the pieces have fallen into place, click, click, click.  things will take care of themselves, whether i worry about or am afraid of them.  i will most likely go thru this again, but hopefully i can remember today.

i thought a little about what i've been thru since i got back to the states.  breakup of a 16-yr. marriage,  leaving behind my adopted country, having to ask people for financial help to make the move, traveling more than 1000 mi., first with strangers, then with ex hub no. 1 (who turned out to be a better ex than ever a hub), storage for my things, living with d and her roomies for 2 weeks while scrambling to find a place for me, doc, ophth., derm., e.r. visits, antibiotics, cancer diagnosis and surgery, follow ups for all of them - nearly 20 visits, exams, and procedures in 10 mos.  plus 7 therapy sessions that didn't really do anything beneficial for me. 

i'm probably missing some, so i'll go with nearly 30 health-related appts. with no car (yeah, had to leave my means of independence behind, too) which means scheduling rides with d or strangers.  not that i'm not grateful, cuz i truly am.  it just all added to the stress, and stress is my nemesis, puts me in physical pain and mental funks, takes my spirit and wrings it out like an old washcloth. 

no wonder.  and it doesn't count any of the emotional stuff around my hub and d which i become involved in.  nor the stressful situations where i live that flare up from time to time.  yes, i would like it if my d and i can find a place to settle into for a bit.  que sera, sera - what will be will be.

today i feel calmer about it all, tho, and for that i'm glad.  thank you all for sticking with me thru all this the past several months.  it is crazy-making, for sure.  it's a wonder i have any semblance of sanity left.

Quote from: Sceal on March 26, 2018, 05:08:54 PM
You have a lot going on now.
A lot to think about, alot to prepare for. And uncertainty is scary, change is scary. And it's okay to have fears about it all. I hope though, that they wont swallow you whole. But if they do, you got us here to support you and try to help you through it.

You shouldn't feel obligated to respond to people's journal every time you are on here. Your own health and situation comes first.  :hug:
I am glad you took the night off from responding to others, and setting your own needs first. Good job!

:yeahthat: Especially this as far as I'm concerned.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 25, 2018, 07:23:29 PM
is that a sound reason?  probably not.  a lot of people don't think of instinct, dreams, gut feelings as sound, period.  yet, that's what my entire life has been based on, and i've had a helluva ride. 

It sounds as if the two of you have your 'good reasons'. I'm sorry to have given you such a headache of reasoning all this out and explaining it. That wasn't my intention at all. More like saying that I'm concerned when I read xy and have you considered this other option, but probably you have and have your good reasons for going the way you're going and you certainly don't need to justify your decision to me!

But it seemed to all come out backwards, probably I didn't express myself well.

Here are  :bighug:  :grouphug:

Unlike you, I don't read all journals daily, so just read yours now for the first time again since I posted that. Sorry about that. But that's also how it is. I don't have the emotional energy for so many entries, not even for reading members' Journals which I want to. I hope you allow yourself a break from reading and responding when you need it too. (But no need to justify if you don't  ;) )

blueberry, no harm done.  i may have felt i needed to explain that just so that i could see it.  i can't always tell why i write what i write.  i know you were concerned, and that's how i took it.  my explanation just came out.  i probably was flashing on how many people have told me to do something different, didn't agree with me, wanted concrete explanations, or told me i 'can't' do that, but i know inside that it wasn't you doing that.  i appreciated your concern - i remember thinking that at the time.

so   :grouphug:  back atcha, sweetie. 

I'm glad you're a little calmer these days, San. It's nice to show yourself some compassion, and I'm glad you realize why you're so tired.  :hug: So many changes in your daily life. So many things to realize. So many things to heal from. You told me once about taking care of myself as I pass from transition to transition, and I think the same for you.

Immature jokes that include words like "trendy" or "memes" is less of something shallow to me, but more of an escape from all the seriousness my childhood traumas gave me. It's not something thoughtful or hard to ponder about, and that's a break from my frustratingly overactive mind at times. I wanted to show that side of me to you, but I understand if you didn't really appreciate it.

Take care. 

hey, d.r., it's not that i didn't appreciate it, it's just that i didn't get it.  especially the memes part.  i really didn't understand what that meant, what it was all about, or how to picture it.  and, for me, i think the idea of something 'trending' just takes me back to all the fashionable 'trends' that i didn't follow, and would have others either mock me or try to get me to be 'on trend', update my wardrobe or hairdo or something about me.

no, i appreciate your responses, whatever form they take.  i just don't always comprehend.  that's on me, not you.

 :hug: :hug: :hug: