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Topics - Wattlebird

Recovery Journals / Wattlebird's recovery journal
January 08, 2020, 01:38:51 PM
Trigger warning mentions self harm

I've decided to start a new journal, I want to work through 2 books,  with the goal of improving my mental health, my emotional well being, and nurturing my parts, I was going to wait until I moved house and start a new journal, with my new environment but with the fires and  travel being so restricted it may be months before I sell,
The two books I'm going to be focusing on are
1. Coping with trauma related dissociation, skills training
2. The DBT skills work book
I've read both books through but I'm really going to work on gaining the skills I lack. Both books really outlined the problems I experience so well that I'm going to use both.
This past week I've been working on distress tolerance, something I have very little of, so I've been concentrating on 2 main methods - distraction and key word relaxation
Distractions I use range from breathing exercises to cold showers,  reading books, to counting backwards to cleaning the house and mindfulness,
When trying to distract from self distructive thoughts I pull my hair - not out, just enough to feel pain,  I'm not sure about this as it seems wrong to cause myself pain but it really works, the dbt book said a non destructive pain like an elastic band snapped on your wrist was far better than more permanent forms of pain, and distracts ur thoughts.
I'll go through my second method tomorrow  cue word relaxation
Letters of Recovery / Letter to f
March 26, 2019, 05:19:43 PM
I've written this Wednesday 27th March but will talk to my psych before sending it as I don't want to behave badly and I'm not 100% sure of my motivations in sending this.
If she is ok with it I will send it.

Hi F
I told B I was going to tell u this and he said that was ok with him.
I just wanted to let u know a couple of things. I know B has told you I am crazy, I have a diagnosis of complex trauma, (which is not psychosis at all) I can give you a letter from my psychologist if you doubt my words, which I will fully understand if you do. I know I became unhinged on the weekend, but the hospital and my psychologist both have said I am severely traumatised not psychotic.
I have complex trauma from spousal abuse and childhood abuse, b's smear campaign has been rather good, telling everybody in town I'm a psycho, I hope you are familiar with narcissistic abuse and gaslighting if not look it up, just be aware, the kids believe he is a narc, B2 thinks he is a sociopath, I asked B to look it up and get treatment but he always refused to acknowledge any fault and gets angry that I would even suggest he is in any way at fault for anything. I advised him not to try and control you if he wants to make it work, I hope he can stick to that, I told him I wanted you to know all this and he said he was going to tell you, but I'm not sure if he will.
I can give you evidence, my children will tell you the same if you don't trust me.
Ask him about the time he hung our dogs, or made B2 shoot a lamb when he was 5 against his will. I don't want to list every event but he grew up drowning neighbours cats and thought it was funny. There's many many examples of his lack of empathy. Show him this and ask him if I've lied about anything in this letter. Maybe he will lie, but he is usually honest because he thinks he has done nothing to be ashamed of.
I really do love children and wouldn't want your kids to end up in therapy like mine.
I hope he can pull things together, I don't expect you to leave him or anything, I don't want him back at all, but watch his behaviour and stick to your boundaries.
I really loved him enormously but had to leave for my own mental health. It cut so bad to see how little he actually cared about me or my feelings.
He says I left him years ago but he bought his father to live with us in the lounge room of a 2 room house (lounge and bedroom (without ever asking me if that was ok) and trying to live in a doorless house with his father was impossible, I got no sleep or privacy and so started sleeping in the granny flat, I wasn't intending to leave, and told him this at the time, but needed some personal space, I think he just uses it as an excuse to make himself feel better.
I won't contact you again.
Ps I'm sorry about my behaviour over the weekend and hope it didn't affect you in any way. I am very ashamed of myself.
General Discussion / Thinking about myself too much
February 03, 2019, 09:16:05 AM
Hi all
I have been struggling with the idea that I have been thinking about myself too much, I spend several hours each night, reading books like the dissociation book, educating myself on my issues and working on my relational and emotional issues, which I've spent a lifetime avoiding, but I've got this nagging worry that I spend too much time inwardly focused, I have gone over it many times considering if I'm neglecting other parts of my life but I don't think I am, I take nights off as well.
I think there is a fear of being too self centred and wanted to hear anyone's thoughts about becoming too wrapped up in yourself and where that limit lay?
AV - Avoidance / Deluded
November 23, 2018, 01:11:20 PM
Hi all, I was just thinking about last night something strange happened, I was thinking thru some past situations trying to process stuff and came to understand I was deluded about certain things and really started understanding how I delude myself, then suddenly I forgot the meaning of delusion, It took at least 5 minutes for me to work out what it meant, not my usual style of dissociation but an interesting twist, some part of me certainly doesn't like seeing the truth of situations.
Just thought it was interesting and wanted to share.
General Discussion / Feel trapped
October 18, 2018, 12:01:11 AM
Trigger warning SI
Ok I have a personal dilemma - I have a job I started a year ago at home, it is a major renovation type job without being specific, that is closely related to my profession, I have mounting pressure to finish it, there are fines involved if I don't hurry up, (just got a big warning in the post) my hubby is losing patience and I feel totally inadequate to the task, hubby feels I am very capable but if I stuff it up it will be a costly mistake 10s of thousands, I really don't have an option of hiring someone else to do it, so in my mind I'm thinking divorce or SI keeps occurring when I think about the situation, it's just ideation but shows the levels of distress it's causing I feel like a failure for not doing it yet but I am so worried about getting it wrong.
Actually I think one of the major problems is I feel like I'm being forced to do something I am incapable of doing ( reminding me a lot of a traumatic experience in my teens where the result were catastrophic ) t agrees I should never have been forced to do the job as a teen but it happened anyway. How do I find the confidence to do this I am qualified a good at my profession but I think it's the situation that is messing with me so much.
AV - Avoidance / Losing time
September 24, 2018, 09:50:33 AM
I often read of people losing time and on occasion I can find myself somewhere or doing something and can't remember how or why I'm there, I have been putting this down to memory problems due to previous drug use but I'm starting to reconsider this maybe I'm dissociating, I do dissociate (like out of body experience where I can observe myself) but maybe this is a different form of dissociation?
Any idea?
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Smell flashback???
September 14, 2018, 12:42:27 PM
I have been thinking thru a traumatic time in my childhood this last week, actually I have never really allowed myself to think about it in any significant way, so during the week I have been smelling cigerette smoke in places there are no smokers ever, this has been confusing me all week but I think they could be flashbacks is this possible? I only just realised what it could be when I was just journaling about an incident and had a seen in my head and smelled the smoke again it reflected the image so well I was a bit shocked. Is that right or am i just getting carried away ?
Recovery Journals / Rambling thoughts and ideas
September 11, 2018, 07:45:28 AM
I thought I would start a different kind of journal, one that is just my rambling thoughts that go round and round in my head each night, I've been writing these down then deleting them as it helps me sort thru the overload of thoughts and see what's actually going on in my head, I haven't journaled them as they are just rants or random thoughts, some don't make a whole lot of sense so I delete them thinking they are embarrassing but I think it would b good to track, so if your reading enjoy my wonderings but sometimes they may not make too much sense because they are for me.
Your welcome to comment or not, if it helps anyone else than Good stuff I'm happy
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Depression and SI *TW*
September 10, 2018, 04:01:18 AM
I've been thinking about how depression and SI don't always seem to go hand in hand,
I feel as though I'm not experiencing the depression I have in the past, I'm much more present and aware but I seem to idealise suicide a whole lot more, not that I have any intention of self harm I just don't see why people get so worked up about it, I know this is warped thinking but it doesn't seem to be coming from depression as such, Or was I dissociated & depressed & now I'm just depressed but because I can feel my emotions it's more painful hence the SI
Before my depression was no energy no motivation no pleasure in life no direction
Now I have more direction and motivation more pleasure but a whole lot more pain and 'discomfort with myself'
General Discussion / Intrusive thoughts
August 20, 2018, 11:37:20 AM
Just a little thing that I was wondering about, I keep getting an intrusive thought "I feel like I want to ....." which is often unrelated to my current train of thought or circumstances but it's been happening all week it's a bit difficult to describe it just pops into my head, say I feel like I want to do something that I don't really want to nor had even contimplated doing
I'm going to ask my therapist about it but was wondering if anyone knew anything it's just weird really not scary I feel like someone's talking to me, which is a bit scary  :Idunno:
Ow I have a very highly emotionally charged week as well if that's significant  :Idunno:
Do I need to put trigger warnings in my journal if so do I do this in the title or top of post
Also I want to explore Christianity and recovery but don't know where to post this and don't want to trigger people or get into disagreements as I know this is an emotive subject ??
General Discussion / Recognising traumatic events
August 09, 2018, 09:08:05 AM
I've been thinking about my history and foo and recently recognised an event that happened to be highly traumatic but I didn't even consider it as an event worth telling my t about before now.
i think I've dismissed it because I was not involved with the trauma just a witness. I feel a little stupid really, I guess my brain was not ready to deal with it and kept dismissing it.
Is this pretty normal, I keep thinking my therapist will roll her eyes at how obviously traumatic it was/is and how long it's taken me to work that out.
Recovery Journals / Wattlebirds journal
July 13, 2018, 03:28:48 AM
Well I'm going to give journaling a go, I have never been able to journal before through fear of someone discovering it.
So why not put it on the inet lol
Well I figured no-one knows who the * I am here.
Well I just had a therapy appiontment about the 10 th visit.
I was diagnosed with complex trauma and anxiety disorder about 6 weeks ago, I have had many years of serious depression but I'm pretty good at the moment.
I learnt about dissociating today hmmm
It seems I dissociate when I feel angry
I am struggling to accept my experiences are real even though I have clear memories and clear symptoms. That Diane langberg utube talk on understanding complex trauma really made me feel like it was true and she understood what it was like - I thought I was just unhinged
I feel like hiding where no one knows where I am turn my phone off and just sleep
Well my very 1st journaling experience see if I can keep it up or if I freak out and try to delete any evidence I was ever here 🙄
Therapy / Feel like a fraud
July 10, 2018, 02:12:53 PM
Hi all
I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now I have been diagnosed with cptsd, my overwhelming problem is I feel like a complete fraud, I constantly have to check my memory for the truth and reassure myself I'm not lying. I feel as though no one will believe me 
I don't even believe me
I'm starting to question my sanity
Is this a commen thing or is it my sanity sliding ??  Or a defence mechanism ? Maybe taught behaviour ?
Thanks all