Messages

Hi Annegirl

Shane on your husband. IDK why he wants to deny your feelings and diagnosis like that. It's not a defect to have CPTSD. There's nothing wrong with it. As a matter of fact (I see it as) something that was done to us. So please don't be embarassed! You are being strong by wanting to talk about it and also by going to therapy. I suspect your husband might have some of his own emotions just below the surface and maybe seeing you cope with some of your past and feelings might make him uncomfortable. BUT, you should still do what ever you want to do! Maybe he will come around later. And I do think it's a good idea to tell some people you know irl too.

Maybe one good thing about regressing is that the good stuff from those days comes back too--your piano playing.

I'd say if you THINK you were regressed, then you were. It's not the same as "just remembering" how you felt. It's going back to feel it. I always have a hard time distinguishing these two things for my T. Anyway, I'd say chances are you were regressed because you sure had enough triggers in the present to send you back.

This took forever to read! But the parts on Alterations in: Self-Perception, Regulation of Affect and Impulses, Relations with Others, and Systems of Meaning all apply to me very well.

Also the concept of 2 kinds of dissociated parts of oneself--the ANP (Apparently Normal Personality) and the EP (Emotional Personalities) make so much sense too. Like different ego states, unintegrated.

I used to read a lot about Borderline PD and could always relate to their feelings (not able to regulate them, and not able to self-soothe). I also can relate somewhat to DID. It can all get very complicated.

What's always confused me is--what's really happening? How do I explain this to others, including my therapist?

1.  Am I a single adult personality having a flashback (EF)?
2.  Am I an adult who is regressing to an earlier age and time? or,
3.  Am I switching to one of several dissociative parts that each exist in their own right inside me as individuals, so that I am more like a group than an individual?   

I think they are all valid, but I do lean toward #3. Subjectively, that's how I feel--separated. I also think my ANP is my present self, who I refer to as Big Pam. And I have a few EPs with their own names and ages. No matter what I call it, it still qualifies for CPTSD, lol. Especially now that I see dissociation is part of it

Yes I'm glad this site exists too. I belong to another anxiety site and have met a lot of online friends and acquaintences, but so many just can't relate to CPTSD feelings and the way my brain works. So I hope I'm even more comfortable here.

I'm so used to not being understood, that when I am, I get a little nervous because i worry that i will not be able to reciprocate perfect understanding to others...I'm used to being the bad guy, the oddball, the one who's crazy and gets it all wrong (in other words, always defending myself to others)...so this (mutual understanding) will be a different experience for me. Might take me a while to get used to it, lol.