I am not sure where to put this post. Or even what I want to say. I just feel like reaching out but don't know where to reach.
*this post could probably be triggering
It is, has been, and will continue to be snowing hard for some time, so I am inside my apartment alone with my dying cat. I have tried texting a couple of people who don't seem to want to talk to me, which I assume is because I am in a bad way.
I have isolated myself very, very much, to the point where my cat is my main support. I also have my therapist and my mother, but my therapist is not my friend and my mother is part of the source of my trauma.
I know it sounds silly that my cat dying is a huge, huge event for me, bigger than any family member dying or...really anything. But he has been there for me for 18 years, my entire adulthood. He has loved me unconditionally. I have left him over and over to go into inpatient treatment when I did not want to live anymore and he struggled because of that but he always waited for me and was overjoyed when I returned.
I feel guilt for not having always been there for him as he has for me. And it is so awful to see him in pain and discomfort. The worst part is that I have to be the one to decide when he should die. He is my one and only love. I know that is pathetic, but it is pretty much true. I have cut myself off from the world, too afraid to have friendships and definitely not romantic relationships. Assuming that people will hate me. Curling up in a little ball, living in my own little world.
I will have to put my cat down when the storm is over, I think. Then I plan to go into inpatient treatment of some kind for as long as I can stand it. I have been active in my substance addiction for a while now and as he dies, I start to think about why I am even here.
I read your post and am thinking of you and your cat.
It doesn't sound silly to me at all that your cat dying is a terrible event for you! Pets are such loving friends and wonderful supports who love us unconditionally.
I haven't always managed perfect care for my pets, sometimes I was just too exhausted emotionally and often I was in inpatient treatment too. I'm offering you some compassion for your absences from your cat, we do the best we can with cptsd. Here is a gentle safe :hug: for you if you like, if not, ignore.
The passing of a pet that you love dearly, IS a huge event. There are indeed people out there who don't understand that (probably mostly people who have never loved and lost a pet..).
For what it's worth, I don't think it's stilly at all. Your feelings are valid, and I feel for you.
Sending you love and strength....take care.
My heart goes out to you. Our cat of 16 years died this fall. It is really hard and painful.
I can really feel your sadness and despair. It IS a big deal to be losing your best friend. Your cat has been there for you for 18 years and never ever hurt you. You'll find a way to honor that. I'm so proud of you too for making a decision to go into treatment. That is loving and protecting and I could learn a lot from you. Hang in there through these tough times you are a beautiful loving loveable person.