Messages

It was a long drawn out painful breakup. But it's 2 years ago now. We are still friends, although at times rocky. It was hard in the beginning. I knew he was hurting so badly, and I knew it was my fault. I just couldn't love him the way he deserves. Or give him what normal, healthy men wants in a relationship. We had been distant for over a year before I broke it off. I still love him, but more as a brother. I talked to his mom today (THE most selfless woman I have ever been in contact with), told her I'm worried about him, and that maybe when he visits over for christmas if she'll talk to him. And help him with what she can and show him she supports him. And I'll do what I can.

Oh, I know how that feels. Feeling like you're not providing enough in a way, unable to give what the other person wants all the time. I really get you. But I think it's good that you broke it off. That kind of relationship can become very unhealthy I think... :S

I've always found the question of "how are you doing?" hard to explain. On the one hand, then the other, and the third... you know?

lol Yeah, definitely. Usually if someone asks how I'm doing I just lie and say 'good', because if I actually described how I was doing, I'd be there talking for at least 20 minutes.

I read your comment early this morning, and I've carried it with me all day. It's meant alot to me. Thank you so much, Aphotic. And I want you to know, I am also looking out for your posts and thinking about you alot.

Thank you. ^-^

[Mostly everything else that Sceal said lol]

I dunno, I think maybe I admire people in different ways to others. What I admire about you specifically is your ambition. That instead of sitting around, you're a fighter and you're trying your best. You've done so much! You're not one of those lazy leeches living on welfare because I mean look at you, you're doing whatever you can to make the circumstances better. It seems that way to me anyway. And all those weird classes and courses you've taken are great, it's all experience, all knowledge, and well the more knowledge you have the brighter you are. It's stunning to see how much you've done, I just can't help but feel impressed! You know the quote; "Better to try than not try at all?" You're like the living example of that, haha. It's great. I don't think it matters that you break down, or sob, cry, whatever. I appreciate your efforts and your willingness to try. I see so many people not try at all, believing they'll never make it and it's frustrating. I want to shake them, try to get it into their head that they won't get anywhere if they don't just try. So it's refreshing to see someone like you who does try.

Many apologies if I'm showering you with too much positivity. XD That can get annoying for some at times, sorry.

P.S Apothic  I read your post about the meaning of your nickname here on the forum. And you inspired me to pick one with meaning too. Mine is an Irish word meaning to tell the story (telling stories). 

I'm glad! I like your name. I don't know how you're supposed to pronounce it though. Haha, I just say 'seel', or is it meant to be said as 'skeel'?

San started a thread on what our names meant - maybe we should revive that thread? 

Thanks for the heads up, Three Roses.

Hope it all turns out okay for you, Barbi. ^^ Keeping you in my thoughts.

i've never agreed with this, because i've always felt that to some kids, something that looks small to an adult can be devastatingly traumatic to them because of who they are and what that incident means to them.  this article affirmed what i've believed all along.    that's why comparing traumas is ultimately  fruitless.  mine may look less than others, but that doesn't mean it was any less traumatizing. 

Mhm, I agree with what you say here. Humans are such complicated creatures, we're all so different, in how we see things, behave, how we cope with things. With CPTSD, it's all caused by different factors, each person has different symptoms, each person resolves these symptoms differently. And with trauma I think that... what trauma is is not necessarily the event itself, but how we've responded to the event. As an example maybe, someone who was brought up in a cabin in the woods might not mind so much when they find themselves lost in a forest. But someone raised in the city may feel traumatised by simply being lost in a forest, with no knowledge of how to survive, no idea where to go, no clues, no way of getting help.

I think though, no matter what tears you have to express, they're all good. Crying is good... ^^ I want to curiously ask, it seems our FOO is similar in that we were both told crying is bad, and that we shouldn't cry. Did this ever make it difficult for you to cry later on, even when you weren't with your FOO anymore? Because, I'm at that point I think... where I find it nearly impossible to cry... and I wish I could cry, but it's so difficult. I want to sob and weep and let everything out but there's this kind of block that stops me. Have you ever felt that before? And if so, can you remember how you got past it? Sorry if this is a little thread-hi-jacky... you can ignore my questions if you want.

Hope you're doing okay though, San.

Reviving this thread cause I'm allowed. Haha!
I was just walking along when three roses popped out of the ground and handed me a card, wedged between their petals. I inquired; "Oh what's this?" and took a gander to notice it was directions to a nearby ancient site, one filled with stories, history, and meaning... and me being the curious fellow I could not help myself but traverse the overgrown path. 

I have a thing for people's backstories, usernames especially. Such a small thing but it means so much to some people, a name chosen by the individual, one that best represents them. It's beautiful, I think.
I also notice a few referrals to Willow trees here. Interesting that, Willow trees are my favourite type of trees! There's something surreal about them... the way they hang and droop, so unlike anything else. I've always been fascinated by them, from a very young age. I didn't have them in my neighbourhood, but occasionally I'd be in the car, drive past one and I couldn't help but stare and admire.

My own name is a combination of two words...
Atramentous was something I found first, whilst reading a thesaurus and the synonyms of 'black'. I've always been rather 'black', lol and I don't mean race. My clothes are all black, my favourite writing colour is black, my hair is black, my possessions are black, my damn pillow is black! hahah When I get a cat, it's going to be black (fun fact, did you know black cats are the least likely to be adopted?  ). I would have bought myself a black phone but then I'd never find it at night. I don't know why I'm obsessed with black things. But Atramentous specifically means ''black as ink". And it represents me well. I like black, I'm a writer/artist, it's fitting. And you know, it's OKAY to like black. Some people take it as you being an emo or a goth, satanic, whatever... but I think it's okay. Just like how some people prefer to dress in pastel, others prefer white, I prefer black. My preference is black but that doesn't mean it's bad. White text on black background is easier to read anyway, in my opinion. 

Aphotic, or in full "The Aphotic Zone" is the part of an ocean or lake where the last of sunlight reaches, the very depths of water.
The Aphotic zone reminds me that, whilst everything can be cripplingly empty and bleak at times, there's still 'up'. There's still the surface, there's still light up there, there is hope. I don't know when, but one day I'll rise to that surface. I'll arrive at the Euphotic zone, the sunlit area. I just have to keep swimming, keep fighting. And it's a good thing I'm a naturally good swimmer. Though ironically I have a fear of the ocean and I freak out over the thought of being in a vast open area with no land in sight. lol 

So, I think, with those two words combined it kind of resembles... well, me obviously. Aphotic is my circumstance, Atramentous is my personality. Both are black, both are dark. The difference is that one is harmful and the other is not. The Aphotic zone wants to crush me under the pressure, to swallow me in its darkness. But fire beats fire, and one of those words will prevail. I can only try my best to have Atramentous be the victor. It's a convoluted omni-way trip to Euphotic.

Thank you, Dee!

Yesterday
1) I took a walk in a place that's special to me
2) I attended my aunt's birthday party
3) I drove my other aunt and cousin home afterwards to which they were grateful.

Today:
1) I enjoyed the sun
2) I went to the gym and had a really good workout.
3) Called the group leader and asked for advice

So happy for you, Sceal. Especially with the asking for advice... I know that can be hard to do for some people, myself included. Well done. ^-^

1) In therapy I turned self-hatred into hatred of FOO and I felt it too, not just words!
2) I expressed hatred to each person in FOO in turn, loudly, clearly and in a comprehensible manner
3) My feelings of hatred towards FOO are understandable and allowed - my T did not try to diminish anything as has happened in past ("Now, now, anger is OK, but hatred is maybe a bit strong") No, none of that.
4) I feel energised.
5) And it's even a lovely warm sunny day on top of all that.

Good to hear all this, Blueberry. Nice to know your T doesn't mind your hatred. I think hatred can be valuable at times, really helps you to keep away from people like that.

#1. Work went okay today, no major complaints.
#2. Actually feels like Spring finally, 21 degree Celsius night and I'm loving it.
#3. It's my good mate's birthday today and I'm just enjoying his company, playing games together. It's nice to 'be in the moment' like this, be able to push all other worries and thoughts aside and focus on something else, something happier.
#4. Despite having a terrible night's sleep and needing to work, I managed to find time to draw something for my mate's birthday. And he liked it so that's good. ^-^
#5. Even the mere thought of having a day off tomorrow and having the time to work on some hobby projects makes me rather content.

Deary me, you still with your ex? I can't imagine how that would be. :S I hope it wasn't a 'bad' relationship or ended sourly or anything...
You're right though, seeking help is not something to be ashamed of.

Hope everything is going alright with you, Sceal.  ^^
I just wanted to randomly express that I really enjoy your presence here, and I find I'm always looking out for your posts and reading them and generally wishing you well all the time. I admire you so much honestly. You do so much, achieve so much, though you may not feel that way. Even just going to the therapy groups and what not, studying and attending lectures, I just can't help but feel impressed by your ability to do all that. I swear if I tried all that I would break down in the first few days. >.>

Hm, it could be many different things.

A lot of women, myself included, have pain before their period, that is cramping and what not. I dunno if your pain is any different to that.

Are you seeing a therapist at the moment who you could talk to about this stuff? At least maybe see a doctor about the pain if it really bothers you.

In my opinion, saying how you've been hurt by him will only fuel his ego or whatever. I mean if he's a classic stereotypical abuser he probably enjoys your crushed self esteem. Lol Makes him feel powerful.

I think, if you REALLY want to hurt him, stand up for yourself in a way that doesn't speak negatively of yourself. Say how strong you are, how independent and how you don't need him. Boast about yourself, describe everything you can do without him. I think it's a fairly common thing that if you want to appear appealing, smart, and capable, confidence and a love for yourself does absolute wonders.

This might be absolutely #$&@!# advice lol, feel free to ignore. It's probably one of those "easier said than done" things.

Who is controlling the weather of your life? You can control your weather, sunshine, rain clouds or snowstorm...

That is true, Hank. I won't let a dreary raincloud sit above my head. I want nothing but rays of warm beaming sunlight.

I went and read those chat logs, or at least a portion... I ended up feeling physically sick from some of the stuff I read. Good news, I didn't have an EF, didn't dissociate though a few times I was close to it I sensed...

There were some parts of the trip that were very smooth and easy going... Those I could read and usually remember the events around them... Where I was, the general scenery, my senses at that time. ...But I'm actually quite... Shocked... How much I CAN'T remember, specifically the more traumatic parts I read. I mean, the chat logs are there, so it HAS happened... But I try and remember when, where, why, how, and nothing comes to mind. Did I really dissociate so often and so hard that it feels like it didn't even happen? 

REALLY BIG TRIGGER WARNING

This makes me feel really upset. What would I have done without the chat logs? Would I have gone my entire life believing what I went through wasn't all that bad? Because I read through all this and I'm appalled. There's so much more to my ex than I thought. He didn't just rape me, he did it again without a condom. I wanted to sleep in another bed, not be with him but he forced me to sleep with him. Not just that though, that wasn't good enough for him. I had to sleep facing towards him with his forced arms around me. I tried to move but I couldn't. What kind of person does that? What kind of psycho is so possessive that he wants to watch you and make sure you're not doing anything behind his back, EVEN IN BED!? I told him I wanted to sleep somewhere else but he wouldn't let me. He was literally keeping me pinned until I finally collapsed from exhaustion. I awoke later that night, he was asleep and thus his grip was looser. I snuck out... Slept on the couch...

He apparently frequently looked at my phone and my laptop, my private files and chats with others. He DELETED my personal documents. Why!? I had to put a 13 long pin on my phone to stop him from getting into it. I had to hide everything from him. Why don't I remember this!?!?
It's no wonder I wanted to end my life during that trip... I was trapped in so many ways, privacy violated, body violated. And he wanted to marry me... To do all of this to me over and over again. I feel so sick and horrified.
All this happened? I'm so mad, I'm so upset. I wrote constantly "I love him and I wish I didn't". I can't remember... I didn't realize I felt that way. And I haven't even read all the chat logs yet. I've only read a small portion and I'm concerned with what else there might be that I don't know of. I won't read anymore tonight though, there's only so much I can take.

I want to cry long and hard. I feel like mourning. I'm so frustrated I can't remember that stuff but that's what dissociation does to you I guess. I should be thankful I did dissociate. I don't want to remember how I felt whilst I was being raped. I don't want to remember being pinned down, grabbed, pulled.

EDIT:
@Sceal - I am proud of myself. It wasn't easy, but I did it. Somehow.
I'm very thankful I have my good mate though. He's helped me for years. I don't know what I would do without him, which is really cliche but honestly he's the main reason I was able to get out of my abusive relationship. I owe him everything.
Thank you a bunch for the reply. And yes, hugs! 

Sounds like a good plan, rbswan. Best of luck with it all.

Welcome to the forum, minicarrot. ^-^ Lovely name, hehe.
I know how you feel, about not being able to concentrate on anything. It can be so frustrating... :S But it's good that the rest helps you out. Hope to see you around here more. 

I had a session with my T today and I've got a few things I can work on till next session.
I have a plan though, for tonight... I remember that during my trip to see my ex, I talked frequently to my good mate, most likely told him about everything that went on during the trip. And lucky me, my good mate keeps all our chat conversations on record and I asked if he could send me a snippet of our chat log history to read tonight. I don't know if it's a good idea or not... I'm hoping it'll refresh my memory and I'll be able to find some kind of lost parts of me. But... reading the chat logs will either 1. Trigger me into an EF and if that happens, fine. Or 2. Won't have any effect on me and just seem like I'm reading someone else's thoughts due to the dissociation I experienced during the trip. Won't know till I try and read.

But my mate is being super supportive and he doesn't want me to read it until we're on a Skype call. He seems to be able to notice when I'm slipping into a hard EF and I'm sure he'll help snap me out of it if I'm falling into something I shouldn't be.
I'm both scared and curious... but more curious than scared. I hate not knowing... I dunno if anyone has any tips on how to approach stuff like this, maybe I should do some brief meditation prior. lol Not sure.

You don't need his love, achilles. You're a strong independent woman who don't need no man! lol
You're right though, he doesn't care, and he's not going to change. Don't run back to him, you'll just end up hurting yourself more. Weaning off a relationship like this is like weaning off an addiction. It hurts so much at first, but there'll be this moment in time, a day when you wake up and realize you don't need him at all. You could keep feeding your addiction, but as with most addictions, they're damaging and the sooner you leave it the better.

Wow. I type too much. Alright, I'm going to really try hard to not spew out so much from now on.

I've had random memories pop up lately, reminding me of my ex. When we broke up, all feelings for him had disappeared in a week. He supposedly got Depression from our breakup but I couldn't care less about him. He got himself a new girlfriend within a week anyway so it's not like he's lonely. In fact he's had 7 serious partners in his life and he's 21 or something now. I really should have taken that as a warning sign when we started dating but lol, I was too naive. When I learnt about his new current girlfriend though, I don't know why I did it, I half regret it but I told her in private that, whilst I do wish her well, I warned her that this person she's now with is actual scum, a rapist and a sociopath and that she should be careful. I think she believed I was lying cause her answers were all rather bland and all "okay", "sure", that kind of thing.

There's something that bothers me though, perhaps the realization of how used I really was, how I was some kind of possession... but one he hardly cared about. I'm trying to piece stories and evidence together and I think I was just his trophy. That he wanted me around just to say "I have a girlfriend". That he wanted to marry me just so it'd be a lot harder to leave him if I wanted to. We were together for three years, every day he asked me if we could do this, do that. I was his dog, followed him around, did what he asked and obeyed his commands. He bought me my drawing tablet, and he'd have me draw things for him. He wanted me to draw porn stuff but I wasn't comfortable with it. In the three years of the long distance relationship, I only visited once. I had no money, he got all the money. In fact he got $600 a month for being disabled, and $2000 every birthday. But even on just an average day he could ask his parents for an Xbox and Bam, no questions asked, he'd get one. If he wanted me around, he could have paid for at least 10+ trips. But he only planned one.

But with his current girlfriend (another long distance thing), within the first 3 months of them being together, he flew her to see him 2 times. It's like he actually found love and not just some toy he could screw around with. When we broke up, he asked me to give him back everything he'd gifted me... Drawing tablet, iPad, etc. I didn't do any of that, told him to $&#$@ off, a gift is a gift and you can't take it back. But that's one of the main things that make me believe I was just being used... Since I wasn't serving him anymore, I didn't need any of the tools to aid his desires so of course he'd want them back. The gifts weren't for me... They were for me to serve him. Everything I owned he wanted access of. The account on the laptop I had was a regular user. He had an admin account on that laptop, so he would decide what I could or could not install. Every time I was talking to someone else he'd ask who it is, and if I told him it was another male he got angry. Why haven't I noticed how controlling this was till recently? I was a child I suppose... that's all.

He said he loved me but did he really? I'm starting to doubt it...