My brother on Mother's Day

[Cascade]

Hi Group,
I'm not sure there's a solution or anything to be done here.  Just need to get this off my chest and away from me.  All thoughts are welcome!

I never talked with my brother, who is four years younger, about the childhood sexual abuse I experienced at the hands of our father.  We've been communicating more than we usually do out of necessity, since our mom passed away about six months ago.  It's brought a constant barrage of triggers that I've kept to myself.  I always tried to protect him.  Our communication is still very superficial and logistical.  Once I left the house at age 18, we rarely talked at all.

Anyway, he texted me today with his usual humorous front, "Happy (not?) Mother's Day," and said he was just checking in on me.  It was a kind message, but I still responded very superficially.  Guess we just haven't laid the trusting groundwork that would be needed for me to respond more honestly.  There was a part of me (larger than expected) that just wanted to unload on him and tell him everything.  No, I'm not okay.  I've been in an emotional flashback for two and half months, and dealing with all the instability of CPTSD and oh yeah, left my job!

I know there wouldn't be any point in doing that though, because once all this with probate and everything gets closed out, we'll probably just go back to not being in each other's lives.  And now I'm crying because it kinda sucks and feels pretty painful not to have a relationship with my only living immediate relative.  Dad died in 2017, thank god.  But there were things that I saw in my brother when he visited for a few days right after mom's death that make me think maybe he fell into the trap of narcissism.  He sure can be manipulative.  Our father probably trained him well, too... except to be a "man," instead of the way dad "taught" me to be a woman.

I was doing better today till I got that text.  Everything came flooding back as I imagined telling it all to him.  Plus the newly felt pain of our superficial relationship.  It all hit me.


Thanks for letting me express all that here.  At least I have someplace to put it! 
   -Cascade

[Armee]

 

[Phoebes]

Gosh, Cascade, I'm so sorry you're going through so much right now. I wonder what his intentions were with that.. seems insensitive..?. It would be so nice to think your brother could be supportive and understanding and that y'all could commiserate over shared experience. I think it's smart to observe that he is manipulative. That's a big red flag to me. If you do disclose anything to him, proceed with caution, please. Listen to your body.

I wonder if you dipped a toe in and asked him what his experience was like, what he would say. Sending support to you as you navigate your relationship with your brother.

[Cascade]

Armee, thanks for the tender loving hugs!  And Phoebes, thanks for sharing your wisdom.  It got me to breathe again.

Yeah, when I confronted him about manipulating the guy at the bank to reveal hints about the accounts he really couldn't reveal, my brother's response was, "But I do it for good!"  OMG, doing bad things for "good" reasons only reminded me of power-hungry narcissists I see in movies like Medici and The Borgias.  I think it would take another in-person visit over something really emotional to get us talking about our childhood.

TW:  Rape
I suspect he knew something was up the last time I remember our dad raping me during a summer visit.  He kept asking what happened in the hotel bathroom, if I was okay, and I finally had to get mad at him to get him to stop asking.  I was 12, so he would've been 8 (and going through his cancer treatment).  Not sure he remembers that.  I didn't even remember till more than 35 years later, eesh!  Not sure I want to go down that memory lane with him.

Thanks so much for all your well wishes and support.  It does feel good to get this off my chest!
   -Cascade

[Papa Coco]

Cascade,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are in the middle of this probate process with your brother.

For me, when my family was closing out the estate, any contact with my siblings exploded in my brain and heart like fireworks. Receiving even the most benign text from my cold-hearted siblings was able to fully open all the wounds from all the decades of abuse from the entire family.

So, I resonate fully with you, in that I know that just receiving a text, no matter how benign, is like opening the door to the storm in all its fury all over again.

You mentioned that are aren't sure, but you suspect your brother may be a narcissist himself. Obviously, I can't know if he is, but my own personal rule about narcissists is: if I even remotely suspect someone is a narcissist. They are. I would be disturbed too by your brother's response that it was okay for him to manipulate someone as long as it was for "good."  (To most people "good" means to get what he wants). To me, a skilled manipulator IS a narcissist.

I went 100% No Contact with my family because my life depended on it. But even though it was my move to escape, I still hurts to be no longer with any family. But then I remember that if I were to ever connect with them again, they'd make my life as miserable as they did in the past.

I hope you can find peace between the texts and that the post-probate world will be a little easier for you and the triggers.

[Cascade]

Papa Coco, thanks so much for sharing your own insights with closing estates.  Agreed, no contact was so much better.  But then there's also the fact that if I wasn't so triggered, I wouldn't have so many lovely opportunities to heal, lol!  

Guess it's just the right time, and I have to hold on and do what I can do, when I can do it.  What I hear mostly from you is that at least the probate will have an end-point.  That's what I'm hanging onto!
   -Cascade

[Papa Coco]

Cascade,

From my heart to yours, here's a nice, safe, distance hug just because we have felt some of the same things. There IS an end in sight.

[Cascade]

to you Papa Coco.

[Kizzie]

Guess we just haven't laid the trusting groundwork that would be needed for me to respond more honestly.  There was a part of me (larger than expected) that just wanted to unload on him and tell him everything.  No, I'm not okay.  I've been in an emotional flashback for two and half months, and dealing with all the instability of CPTSD and oh yeah, left my job!

I feel like there is a part of you that really wants to at least be heard and maybe it is possible. You won't ever know until you give it a shot. That said, as Phoebes suggested, when we come from families like ours it's probably best to dip a toe in rather jump straight in.  That way you can gauge what his interest in more of a relationship is and what he's prepared to hear about from you.

Recently I skipped my NM's memorial service and told my brother the reason was that I didn't feel the same way as he does about our mother and at some point if he's interested in hearing about that from me we could have a talk.  He did say he was coming our way in the fall and maybe we could get together so he didn't dismiss it out of hand and seemed interested to hear what I had to say.  I don't hold out a lot of hope for a better relationship though as he's an N too, but at least I will be heard and just that is important and enough for me. 

Kizzie

 

[Cascade]

Kizzie, thanks so much for your thoughtful insights.  I really appreciate your own example, too.  Yes, I can hold it in the back of my mind, but putting effort into a relationship with my brother right now is too much.  I'm not sure it'll ever be in the cards, but I'm not closing the door, either.  It's just a big maybe.  Who knows?! 
   -Cascade