This is my journal. I started it offline a few days ago but figured I might as well post here. Others are welcome to comment as they see fit.
All the best to each and every one of you in your continued healing and recovery.
I started my journal using the ICD-11 definition of Complex PTSD as my frame of reference. Though each of us has a unique trauma story that has affected us in an individualized way, having a framework through which to view and analyze my condition fits well with how my brain likes to organize and process information.
These definitions may not be exhaustive, but they are a good starting point, and I can fill in any other important details as I go along.
Post traumatic stress disorder
Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may develop following exposure to an extremely threatening or horrific event or series of events. It is characterised by all of the following:
1) re-experiencing the traumatic event or events in the present in the form of vivid intrusive memories, flashbacks, or nightmares. Re-experiencing may occur via one or multiple sensory modalities and is typically accompanied by strong or overwhelming emotions, particularly fear or horror, and strong physical sensations;
2) avoidance of thoughts and memories of the event or events, or avoidance of activities, situations, or people reminiscent of the event(s); and
3) persistent perceptions of heightened current threat, for example as indicated by hypervigilance or an enhanced startle reaction to stimuli such as unexpected noises.
The symptoms persist for at least several weeks and cause significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational or other important areas of functioning.
Complex post traumatic stress disorder
Complex post traumatic stress disorder (Complex PTSD) is a disorder that may develop following exposure to an event or series of events of an extremely threatening or horrific nature, most commonly prolonged or repetitive events from which escape is difficult or impossible (e.g. torture, slavery, genocide campaigns, prolonged domestic violence, repeated childhood sexual or physical abuse).
All diagnostic requirements for PTSD are met.
In addition, Complex PTSD is characterised by severe and persistent
1) problems in affect regulation;
2) beliefs about oneself as diminished, defeated or worthless, accompanied by feelings of shame, guilt or failure related to the traumatic event; and
3) difficulties in sustaining relationships and in feeling close to others.
These symptoms cause significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational or other important areas of functioning.
What I am working on at the moment is to go through each of these six symptom classes, one by one, and journal on how they manifest in my own life.
This will help me create a record of how I feel in the present tense, and also highlight areas I need to focus on in my recovery work.
Re-experiencing past trauma in the present (RE)
Memories and Flashbacks
I don't know if I have flashbacks, per se. What exactly constitutes a flashback? I know that I have memories, some of which are extremely painful. In fact, in recent years I have noticed that my mind often seems fixated on the past, more so than at any time before. I'm often flooded by memories in a way that could be described as intrusive, involuntary, or reflexive.
To give a rather innocuous example, my ex-girlfriend and I once took a vacation to the Grand Canyon, so anytime I see the Grand Canyon or someone mentions it or anything related to it, I immediately think of her and our trip and replay it in my mind in vivid detail. Then I inevitably recall something painful about that relationship and how it all went wrong... almost as if the two are inextricably linked.
This happens with all kinds of topics, good memories and bad, extraordinary or mundane, with great frequency. But is it appropriate to say those are flashbacks? I'm not sure. Regardless, it feels like my brain is clinging to the past, and old associations have a sort of timelessness to them, as if they are more recent than they actually are.
Nightmares
It's not uncommon for me to have dreams. They are almost always distorted and nonsensical, and often painful or scary. A few times I've had vivid dreams where I'm intimately involved with someone I know I shouldn't be (i.e. a good friend's wife). I've also had a few dreams involving someone who, in the dream, I characterized as the Devil... when I woke up from those I recall feeling deeply distressed.
I also have a recurring dream that involves my teeth breaking and falling out. There isn't any consistent context to it... it just starts with me noticing in the dream that one or a few of my teeth are loose, the way a child would experience tooth loss. My teeth then start to fall out, or shatter and crumble, or I reach up to touch one and it pulls out effortlessly. And in the dream I feel afraid and confused, because I know I am an adult and my teeth are supposed to be permanent.
I had this dream for the first time many, many years ago, and I have lost count of how many times I have had it since.
Hi zanzoken, what a smart and self-aware way to organize your journal and healing journey, hopefully it will make things smoother and easier to go through. I'm getting inspired to investigate how I process information now.
And I've had the teeth-falling-out-of-my-mouth dream so many times myself! Sometimes it was scary in the dream, other times perfectly mundane/commonplace. I stopped having those dreams a while ago, I wonder what they could be connected to, how universal they are...
Best of luck on your methodical adventure!
Thank you, laurels. I appreciate the kind words. I am without a doubt a denizen of order... perhaps too much at times. But in this case I hope it will prove to be an advantage in probing the nature of my condition.
That's interesting that you've had the same dream, and curious how yours have stopped. In the current book I'm reading (it's
The Body Keeps the Score, which I have come to believe is a seminal work in the trauma field) the author states that dreams are part of how our brain shapes and integrates memories. Here's the relevant passage:
QuoteToday we know that both deep sleep and REM [rapid eye movement] sleep play important roles in how memories change over time. The sleeping brain reshapes memory by increasing the imprint of emotionally relevant information while helping irrelevant material fade away...
... Dreams keep replaying, recombining, and reintegrating pieces of old memories for months and even years. They constantly update the subterranean realities that determine what our waking minds pay attention to.
Perhaps your dream was an artifact of something your brain was trying to work through, and it eventually succeeded... so now you don't have the dream anymore. That's just speculation, of course, but it's interesting to consider.
If that is the case, then I really can't tell you what, if anything, I was trying to consciously work on! It's been a while since I've had them. I know this series of dreams completely replaced a previous series of sort of stress-dreams ("need to go somewhere urgently but I don't know how to drive"). But I've stopped having both, so they can go away without you completely identifying the source. It would be very interesting if you ever uncover yours.
I've had the "teeth falling out" dream several times too. Interestingly, when I was listening to the radio recently, they were discussing that type of dream. According to whatever research they were looking at, it is a fairly common dream.
Thank you, notalone, for sharing. It's interesting that so many people have the same dream.
I did some googling and it looks like this has been researched to some degree, and they found these dreams to be more related to dental issues than psychological ones. I have always grinded my teeth in my sleep and have had teeth chip off and break in real life too, so that probably explains it.
Avoidance of traumatic triggers (AV)
I don't really know if I get triggered by certain things. Rather, it seems like avoidance manifests in my life as a sort of default state of mind. I can spend hours upon hours on mindless empty pursuits such as playing video games, watching TV or Youtube, or browsing and posting on internet forums or social media. It's not that I necessarily get a lot of joy out of these things, but more that they provide a sense of comfort and relief from my constantly churning and racing thoughts and emotions.
On the other hand, I find it very difficult to maintain any level of focus or consistency in the important areas of my life. I can usually manage short, discrete tasks (for example, doing laundry or keeping the house clean) but I struggle immensely with longer-term goals that have no immediate payoff (like going to the gym). I have a tendency to put things off, come up with rationalizations for why I can't do things, or get overwhelmed by negative emotions. This has affected me severely in areas like my career, relationships, and personal care (diet and exercise).
Trying to confront my mental health issues directly often brings these sensations to the forefront. If I sit down to read, journal, or meditate, my brain often feels like it would rather be anywhere else. I get distracted very easily... in fact, as I write this, I am having to constantly fight the urge for my attention to divert. Another frequent occurrence is I get struck with an overwhelming sense of exhaustion and emotional fatigue, usually to a point where I feel like I have no choice but to go lie down and rest.
Persistent sense of threat (SOT)
Hypervigilance
I feel like my brain is always switched on. It's like a neverending loop of perceiving and analyzing everything I come into contact with. In some ways it is a good thing. I feel safer having high spatial awareness, and it's exceedingly rare for me to forget, lose, or overlook things. But it is also distracting and exhausting.
For example, I went to the park yesterday to read, but I couldn't bring myself to feel safe enough to relax and focus on my book. There were too many people and sounds.
However even when I am in a safe place with fewer irritants, such as being at home, I still find it hard to just feel calm. My mind still races, recalling the past or visualizing the future, relentlessly scrutinizing inside and out. Even in complete stillness the hamster wheel rarely stops turning.
Heightened startle response
I have a difficult time with certain external stimuli. Bright lights make me uncomfortable, particularly if they are very white or garishly colored. I feel the calmest around warmer tones, earth tones, or pastels.
Sounds are even worse. Loud noises heighten my sense of unease, even making me angry sometimes. The worst by far is dogs barking. My ex-girlfriend and I adopted two dogs together and one of them would bark every time it heard a noise outside our apartment, which was often. It would also bark at me every time I entered our home, which was unsettling and stressful for me. I avoid dogs as much as possible now.
I generally have a low tolerance for chaotic places and situations and I make it a point to avoid them whenever possible.
Zanzoken, I totally resonate with what you say about sound. Overstimulation has always bugged me, but I thought it was just the Fibro and being "sensitive" before. I can't stand restaurants with ambient tvs or music often because between that noise, the normal noises of the place, and all the people talking, I can't clearly hear whomever I'm with and it starts to exhaust and irritate me. Crowds are bad too, but a part of that is only being 5 feet tall. :) Can't see over everyone AND can't hear? Nope outa there. I personally think it contributes to the hypervigilance, because we're also then looking for ways to escape that as well as everything else. Hugs
Thank you CactusFlower for your reply. I'm sorry you deal with many of the same challenges with regard to overstimulation. I agree with your comment about hypervigilance too. I know I expend a nontrivial amount of mental energy every day trying to avoid situations where I fear I will be overwhelmed.
Hello zanzoken,
I can certainly relate to the feelings of planning something and then not feeling comfortable enough to execute once there. This can be discouraging and erode your sense of competence. If possible, could you allow that this very awareness of hypervigilance (SOT) and acute sensitivity to sound are ways in which you have recognized an obstacle? Some people experience this, and other things, like dissociation, without knowing or being able to identify it. The advantage of recognition is that it enables you to pick the experience apart, and possibly even come up with solutions.
Re the park: time of day, weather, location, your comfort. If the spot you picked was intrusive, are there other, similar or even dissimilar spots nearby? Would you be open to exploration or feel safe doing so? Not everyone does.
Vocal animal greetings can be a problem. Is there any way to abbreviate it or change it in any manner? Maybe not, but worth thinking about.
I don't have any answers for you, only recognition of what you are going through.
Quote from: zanzoken on June 29, 2021, 10:06:11 AM
Even in complete stillness the hamster wheel rarely stops turning.
Me too. You're right, it is exhausting.
BeeKeeper, I appreciate your suggestions on how to deal with some of the things that make me uncomfortable. I think you are correct to point out the advantage that recognition brings, since it opens up the possibility for us to make mindful choices. I find that sometimes I'm able to work through my feelings and proceed, and sometimes I just have to disengage. I am trying to be patient and not push myself too hard in this stage of my recovery... to just accept my limitations for now and try to love myself in spite of my flaws.
Notalone, I'm sorry you also deal with the issue of an overactive mind. I met with a new T for the first time this past week (who claims to be a trauma specialist) and she asked me to start by identifying / experimenting with different ways to help calm my emotions. I have a few that I already know about and I hope I can discover more.
Wishing you both all the best in your continued recovery.
Quote from: zanzoken on July 03, 2021, 01:14:35 AM
I met with a new T for the first time this past week (who claims to be a trauma specialist) and she asked me to start by identifying / experimenting with different ways to help calm my emotions. I have a few that I already know about and I hope I can discover more.
That's great. It really is an experiment. I have found that what helps in one season, may not be as helpful at another time, and visa versa. Some things that might help are actually triggering, although helpful to other people. I like that your T said to "experiment."
Affect dysregulation (AD)
Depression is probably the worst symptom I deal with, and I suppose this is the category where that belongs. I exist in an almost constant state of physical fatigue and emotional apathy where it is a major challenge to do anything healthy or productive. I don't get a lot of genuine pleasure out of anything, nor am I able to consistently find the will to pursue goals and try to improve my life. I am not giving up hope but I just feel tired, empty, and hollow all the time.
I also struggle a lot with feeling like I'm not really present in my own life. Time is passing me by and I feel the sadness of what is being lost every day, but even when I muster up the energy to do normal things I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I guess this could be described as dissociation (a term I am still struggling to fully understand). However you describe it, I feel like I am not really in control of my own life anymore.
There is more that I could write here but it's a lot to unpack and I'm not really ready to talk about it yet.
I appreciate you beginning to write and explore this. It helps me as I don't think I typically associate my experience with depression but actually think depression is more part of my story. It helps me to see how others describe their story so I have words to talk about my experiences.
Thank you, rainydiary. I appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment. It makes me feel good to know that you are benefitting... all the best to you.
I've had depression, so I resonate with how that feels. It can be just... blah and meh a lot. And we're here for you whether you want to talk about it or not. :hug:
Thank you, CactusFlower :)
Negative self-concept (NSC)
Highly critical of self
I have a deep, intense disdain for the parts of myself that are weak and undisciplined. Part of it is due to relational trauma, and part of it is because I believe I am capable of being so much more than I currently am.
I have a done a lot of work in recent years on being patient with myself and trying to find acceptance for my flawed humanity. I believe I have made strides in this area but I suspect that I still have much farther to go.
There is more that I want to say here but I'm having trouble finding the right words. I will have to revisit this later.
Feeling worthless
There is a voice in my narrative that believes I am not capable of living a good life. That in spite of my apparent talents or my best intentions, I am destined to fail. This prevents me from being confident so it needs to be addressed.
However, I don't think trying to silence the voice is the answer. I should pause to consider where it comes from and why it persists. Again, I am failing to find the words I want, which gives rise to anger. But I accept that today, this is the best I can do.
I appreciate you articulating these things. I can relate to what you shared and have also been especially focusing on myself as an imperfect human. I am currently noticing how deeply embedded these things are in myself and I wonder what it will take for the underlying beliefs to change. I hope that you continue to find what supports you.
Thank you, rainydiary.
I'm reflecting more on what I said about being highly critical of myself. I want to know more but looking into myself in this manner is like peering into a heavy fog, or a dark body of water. I can't see through to the end or make out any of the details of what lies within. I only know that it is deep and overwhelming, and will require careful consideration to safely navigate.
Disturbed relationships (DR)
Social anxiety
I tend to have a hard time in social situations. I have a fear that I am always on the verge of humiliating myself and allowing people to see that I am a failure and a fraud. Sometimes I can "throw caution to the wind" and allow myself to take risks, such as allowing my personality to show. But I never feel comfortable and I have a tendency to just avoid interacting with others as much as I can.
Desire to isolate
I spend a lot of time alone. I always have. I tend to get tired out after a certain amount of exposure to others and I don't feel normal unless I get enough alone time. I don't know if this is my natural personality or a consequence of relational trauma (probably both). Part of the reason I avoid others is I feel like I have nothing to offer and no one could possibly be interested in me. I know one side of me is quite lonely, but the other is relieved to be able to move through life largely unnoticed.
Feeling different from others
I often feel like I don't have much in common with other people. I have made many acquaintances over the years, but few close friendships. I don't really have any interest in mainstream culture and I don't have hobbies or things that help me to meet others. I have never really found a place or a community that felt like home.
Mistrust
I tend to be cynical, especially of mainstream establishments and authority figures. There is part of me that wants to be optimistic, but it's difficult to do so with the current state of our world and culture. I feel a persistent internal conflict in wanting to see the best in others, when my experience has been that they consistently let me down.
Fear of vulnerability and intimacy
I have a hard time allowing myself to be vulnerable, especially to romantic partners. My last relationship lasted almost three years and yet I don't think I ever allowed myself to be a full participant in it. I never really felt supported by my partner, and for the most part I don't feel supported by my family or friends. I always feel alone, even when I'm not.
With that out of the way, I just want to pause for a moment and say thank you to everyone who reads and comments on my journal. I don't expect anyone to do so, but I appreciate it, and I hope my writing can be helpful to you in some way.
If you have read or commented in my journal and I haven't done the same for you, I apologize. I read some when I feel I can, but it is difficult because I am at such a weak point in my recovery.
However I don't want anyone here to feel like they are not important or valued. I believe you all deserve to be heard and cared for, and again I hope that is something I can contribute more to, both in the present and the future. :grouphug:
Zan, all of your reflections, but especially the one on the "desire to isolate," resonate with me. I've been navigating and thinking a lot about this. I have a solitary nature and I value my solitude. I can see times where it does cross into isolation and is related to trauma, I suppose. But I have always felt so judged for wanting to be on my own. My parents were really hard on me about that too.
For me, the nuance I am trying to find is balancing the tendency I have to always feel like I have to do things on my own and finding people I genuinely trust to connect with when I am stuck. I think I tend to isolate when I am feeling the effects of CPTSD and I've found a few people (that is currently 2.5 people) that I can reach out to and process with.
It's still a process and I often feel like I am on the outside and don't have a place. I am trying to create my own place and sense of belonging. I have been wondering if I trust myself and feel I belong in my body how that will help me in relationship to others.
I am glad you are sharing here.
:hug:
I got the sense you were writing for yourself to process and didn't want to interfere with that so have been quiet. But i think it is very interesting how you've gone through each symptom like this and I feel like when I have the physical and mentsl space I'd like to do the same.
Quote from: rainydiary on July 10, 2021, 01:48:01 AM
Zan, all of your reflections, but especially the one on the "desire to isolate," resonate with me. I've been navigating and thinking a lot about this. I have a solitary nature and I value my solitude. I can see times where it does cross into isolation and is related to trauma, I suppose. But I have always felt so judged for wanting to be on my own. My parents were really hard on me about that too.
For me, the nuance I am trying to find is balancing the tendency I have to always feel like I have to do things on my own and finding people I genuinely trust to connect with when I am stuck. I think I tend to isolate when I am feeling the effects of CPTSD and I've found a few people (that is currently 2.5 people) that I can reach out to and process with.
It's still a process and I often feel like I am on the outside and don't have a place. I am trying to create my own place and sense of belonging. I have been wondering if I trust myself and feel I belong in my body how that will help me in relationship to others.
I am glad you are sharing here.
Thank you for your insights, rainydiary. I am sorry that others have judged you for wanting time to yourself. Some of us need a lot, and I don't believe there is anything wrong with it. My mother commented to me to the other day that even in my early childhood (i.e. prior to when my relational trauma started) I was often content to play by myself. I think for some of us it's just innate.
Asking others for help is something I have struggled with for as long as I remember. It's part of my relational trauma that I will likely cover in another entry. I am one of a circle of three close friends who support each other, but lately the other two have been quite distant and disconnected. I am trying not to take it personally, and also can't help but wonder if I have done something to cause it.
Your comment about creating your own place and community really speaks to me. I have been sitting on the feeling for awhile now that if I can't find a place that feels like home to me, then perhaps I will have to set about building it myself.
Quote from: Armadillo on July 10, 2021, 02:07:03 AM
:hug:
I got the sense you were writing for yourself to process and didn't want to interfere with that so have been quiet. But i think it is very interesting how you've gone through each symptom like this and I feel like when I have the physical and mentsl space I'd like to do the same.
Thank you Armadillo. I am honestly moved at how considerate of a thought you've shared. I think journaling is beneficial for me whether anyone reads it or not, but I find being able to share it with others is also quite meaningful. Please feel welcome (but never obligated) to read and/or comment and I will be happy to consider whatever you have to say.
I have found this process of studying my trauma to be difficult, but crucial. In fact I have heard from no less than three sources this week, independent of each other but all dealing with some aspect of recovery, how important it is. I expect it will be an ongoing process for the foreseeable future, and right now I feel okay with that.
:hug: I know when I pull away and isolate from people it is 99.9% of the time because I am struggling and don't know how to explain it to people and almost never because of something someone else has done. I would tend to think your friends pulling away is the same and hope they reemerge soon and that you get the support you deserve.
My mom said the same about me as a baby...I would play for hours alone in my crib.
I'll keep reading. :grouphug:
Thank you Armadillo. I doubt my friends have any acrimony toward me... my feeling is that they are both just focusing on their own lives.
In better news, I have made a lot of strides this past week with regards to treatment.
- I met a nurse practitioner at the health department that I really liked. I think I am going to use her as my primary care doctor.
- I had a bunch of blood work done that found some hormone imbalances, so I am working with a clinic to get them fixed.
- I applied for Medicaid.
I have also started working with three different Ts.
- The first T is a trauma specialist with skills in EMDR and neurofeedback. She's in private practice and does not accept insurance, so the financial cost is high. I have met with her twice.
- The second T is from the health department and I've only met with her once, which basically just consisted of me telling her my story.
- I haven't started with the third T yet, but I did an intake with the local mental health nonprofit and they should assign me a counselor within a few weeks.
My plan is to juggle each of these Ts for a little while until I decide which one is the best fit. I should also have access to a psychiatrist through the nonprofit, although I am not planning to go back on medication at this time.
I feel good about myself that I am choosing to reach out for help. It feels like I am "on offense" against my condition for the first time in years, as opposed to just trying to survive.
I deep cleaned my car today for the first time in quite a while. As I was clearing out all the compartments, including the glove box which I haven't gone through in years, I was shocked to find an old birthday card that was given to me by my ex.
Well I say "card" but it's really just a note written on a fancy piece of paper. I am not sure what year it's from (we were together for three) or why I would've placed it in there. The handwritten message reads...
QuoteYou are my sun, my moon, and my stars. I love you so much and am so happy to have watched you pass another year on this planet. I hope to watch you pass many more.
The relationship ended almost three years ago, so I've had a lot of time to process it. In some ways I've been able to move on, and in others it feels like my life has been frozen in time. The memories still stir many strong emotions. I miss what it feels like to love someone, and to be loved, even if my RT prevents me from fully experiencing those things.
I feel very sad now and I can't write anymore tonight.
:hug:
Stay centered tonight. We've got you.
Thank you Armadillo. I am still hurting today, but I am managing as best I can.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend.
I hear your pain. Sending hugs if they are welcome. :hug:
Thank you Snowdrop... I appreciate it :hug:
Zanzoken,
I am very moved by your most recent entry about finding the card. I see your progress along your healing journey as evidenced by you cleaning your car for the fist time in a while. I also see that healing is difficult, as it stirs up pain and memories.
It is wonderful that this community, including myself, are here to support you through this as best we can.
I'm sorry you are still hurting, but I'm very glad that you are not only still managing, but expressing positivity as well. :hug:
Thank you Jazzy for your kind words. I am grateful for you and everyone else here. <3
Today has been interesting. I woke up feeling highly depressed and out of it, and it took me a couple of hours to get going.
I finished a 5-hour podcast that I had started a couple of days ago, featuring a woman who is a PTSD survivor (due to experiences in war / combat). I find it difficult to learn about other people's trauma stories, but doing so seems to help me better understand my own. The person I was listening to credits plant-based therapies (cannabis and psychedelics) with helping her make huge strides in her recovery.
When she talked about her deep spiritual experience with ayahuasca, I was able to cry a little. I am also beginning to notice that there is a tremendous amount of tension in my body, emanating from my core. I suspect I have been like this for so long that I've mostly forgotten what it feels like to not be on edge.
Despite this anxiety, my mood is better this afternoon, bordering on good. To whoever may be reading, I hope your week is off to good start. :hug:
Thank you I hope you feel better soon too.
Chemical therapy, including natural ones like plants, has never worked for me but I'm glad it helps some.
I completely agree, we live with trauma for so long we become desensitized to it and we have no idea what we are really going through.
I hope you find some peace and improved mood to help you through your struggles. I'm glad you're feeling better already
Thank you Jazzy!
Quote from: zanzoken on July 08, 2021, 02:16:53 AM
[
However, I don't think trying to silence the voice is the answer. I should pause to consider where it comes from and why it persists. Again, I am failing to find the words I want, which gives rise to anger. But I accept that today, this is the best I can do.
Hi Zanzoken,
I was reading this in your journal, and thought your words were very wise in your response to the voice - pausing to consider where it comes from and why it persists. I just wanted to say that.
I also have had the dream you mentioned earlier in your journal - where the teeth all fall out - and whilst I don't understand the reason for the dream, I can remember it vividly.
The 5-hour podcast you listened to sounds interesting, but I imagine it was also tiring to process so many things listening to the PTSD survivor's experiences in war and combat.
Anyway, I related to things you said in your journal, and wanted to come over and say that.
Hope :)
Hope, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my journal. It means a lot to me! I will try to return the favor soon.
Wow! I have not read the details of the situation, but the quote Hope has listed is extremely impressive.
That's excellent Zanzoken; I completely agree that listening and accepting the voice is the correct choice!
Thanks Jazzy! :hug:
:hug: :)
I haven't felt much like journaling lately but I feel I need to try.
My sleep is out of sync again so I'm staying up til 5am and not waking up until the afternoon. Headaches almost daily for the past week. Moods are so-so, at least by my standards (meaning I don't feel good, but it's manageable). My memory feels very hazy.
I am trying to stay active in my recovery and at least do something positive every day. Today I listened to part of a podcast, ate some healthy food, cleaned up around the house, and spent time sitting outside by the pool in the sunshine. It didn't help me to feel better but I'm glad I tried.
I had something of a difficult conversation with my mother a few days ago, and something I just read reminded me of it. I didn't live with her from ages 13 to 18 and she was largely absent from my life during that time. This coincided with the worst abuse I endured from my father.
The topic of our conversation moved to why she never attempted to intervene and protect me from him. I wasn't trying to confront her about it, but it's a fair question, and she really had no answer. I want to be kind to her, and say that she didn't understand what was going on, but I don't think that's accurate. I think the truth is, she just accepted that her children were gone and moved on with her life. I am sure it was extremely painful for her, and I'm glad that she found a new husband and a new path for her life to take. But I can sense that losing her prematurely left a wound on me.
I should talk to my T about it when I go in this week.
That seems like it was be a huge huge wound, Zanzoken. I'm sorry that you were abused by your dad and effectively abandoned and neglected by your mom. I think bringing it up in therapy would probably be helpful when you are ready. :hug:
I'm also proud of you for doing some things to feel better...even if it didn't work this time.
Thank you Armee for your kindness. I am glad to see you back on the forum. :)
I woke up really struggling today and had to drag myself to therapy. I slept until right before the appointment so my T got to see me in rare unaltered form. I had no time to put on my "mask" and pretend to be normal.
We covered a lot but when we reached the part about my mother, I got a sudden rush of emotions and wanted to cry. Not just a little, but big time. This rarely happens (it's been many months since the last time) but I held it in. I wish in hindsight that I had allowed myself to. I guess I didn't realize I was still holding on to so much pain with regards to my mother.
zanzoken,
QuoteBut I can sense that losing her prematurely left a wound on me.
Yes, it did. Adolescence interrupted by separation is life altering. I'm so sorry.
QuoteI didn't realize I was still holding on to so much pain with regards to my mother.
You're the only one who can determine when you feel safe enough to really cry. Sensing it, then integrating it is what we are doing here. :hug:
Thank you, BeeKeeper. I appreciate the kind words and I will think about what you've said. :hug:
Yesterday ended up being one of the rougher days I've had in a long time. Thankfully today I feel better.
I happened to speak with a few former colleagues from my old career over the last couple of days, and those conversations were affirming. None of them are people I would consider close friends, but when I shared that I was dealing with mental health issues they were all very kind and sympathetic. It helped relieve some of the anxiety I feel about being out of work.
I have a fear that even if I am able to heal from my trauma and become well enough to return to my career, that no one will want me. Part of me feels shame at the time I've spent not working, but then another part sees it as an opportunity to create a comeback story that could inspire people and raise awareness about RT and CPTSD. I have a long way to go before I get there, though.
Thinking about that reminds me that I want to be mindful about how much time I allow myself to spend thinking about the future (or the past). It's very easy for me to drift off and not be present in the here and now, and that's something I'd like to start to change.
Hi Zanoken,
I'm glad that your conversations with those former colleagues were affirming.
Sending you a hug if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
:hug:
I have a feeling that when you have healed enough you'll find meaningful work again. But I understand those feelings of shame and they are hard.
I'm sorry yesterday was tough. That must have taken a lot to have such vulnerable conversations with old coworkers.
Hope, thank you for your support. I accept your hug and send you one back in return. :hug: I hope you are well today.
Armee, thank you once again for your continued kindness. I did a small yoga exercise today and I thought of you. I hope you are well today. :hug:
I am putting your names in green because it is my favorite color.
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I realize it has been almost a week since I last journaled. I suppose now is the first time I've felt I had the emotional space to do so.
I did therapy yesterday and I talked with my T some more about the origins of my trauma story. This is my first time in many years telling it to someone new, and I feel it has given me a renewed understanding of how bad what I went through must have been. My T seemed genuinely sad to hear the story, which makes me feel like it's okay to feel sad about it too. My heart hurts for the child version of myself, who at 11 years old had so much taken away.
I keep seeing the word "integration" pop up in various places. The book I'm reading says integrating trauma is a key aspect of healing. The research I'm doing on psychedelic medicine also emphasizes that integrating what we learn on psychedelic journeys is a vital part of the experience. I like this word and want to continue exploring what it means.
:hug:
Thanks for reminding me to do yoga. Tonight I will because of this.
I'm glad you've been able to tell your T and her response was helpful to you. It's really mmm I don't know what word to use....validating, touching, affirming....to see our stories reflected in someone's reactions to what we share. We become very numb to our own stories and getting that feedback helps process I think.
I wonder how you're feeling now? Sometimes my reaction changes dramatically day to day after something like that.
The word 'integration' does seem very important.
I wasn't entirely sure about what it entailed, but I think that my course of EMDR probably achieved it. At the time, it didn't feel like it, but over the next few months something seemed to change.
So, despite the fact that my trauma started at birth, and was intensified over the next few years, so the treatment was based on what I was told, and family stories, it had a positive effect.
Now, I can just accept it. It's an odd change and hard to put into words, but I wonder if this is an example of integration.
Yeah, it makes sense huh :) That concept of "integration" being the key factor in healing. Considering trauma is processed/stored in a fragmented way, integration is probably the best way to put it. Like finding all those puzzle pieces that have been scattered throughout your body and mind, and putting them back together. :)
Armee, it makes me feel good to know that I helped inspire you to do yoga! I hope it went well. I am experimenting with it too and recently heard about a form called "yoga nidra" that I want to try.
Libby, I appreciate you sharing your experiences with EMDR. I recently started doing EMDR therapy myself and I'm struggling a bit with the fact that I don't understand how it works. I am glad to hear it was beneficial for you though.
Alter-eg0, I like your analogy about the puzzle pieces. I recall reading about how traumatic memories are stored differently in our brains, although I feel as though I have more to learn in that area before I've fully grasped it.
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How do I feel today? Pretty good, actually. My circumstances haven't changed, but something is changing in me because I am finding the strength to fight for control over my life again.
I listened to a podcast today about how our nervous system works, and it validated a lot of conclusions that I had already reached on my own. Our brains are shaped by experience, and if our experiences are traumatic, then our brain will develop in certain ways in response (many of them damaging).
It may sound trivial, but it's taken me 15 years to get here. To get to where I am at least beginning to understand what is wrong and why I am the way I am.
TW: Powerful emotions (anger most of all)
A lot of intense emotions stirring now.
Sadness at years of my life lost to suffering.
Anger, white hot boiling anger, at the people who do this to me.
Sadness again, wondering how much better off I would be in life if it had never happened.
Acceptance is the key. I can still have everything I have ever wanted. Just need to continue this work. Healing is possible.
Emotions firing back up again. Need time to cycle through.
I need to go now. This has been good though. I wish with all my heart that you are all well today, and every day. :hug:
zanzoken
NOT TRIVIAL:
QuoteIt may sound trivial, but it's taken me 15 years to get here.
That fact indicates a serious commitment to your well being and self love.
Cycling through the anger and sadness is so difficult. You're not alone. I wish you a peaceful day. :hug:
Acceptance is the key, for sure. My opinion...may not be right... utbthe sadness and white hit anger are, as well. Those things need their voice, too.
Yoga nidra is great once you can tolerate feeling relaxed. I know that sounds weird but I don't think its unusual to feel a sense of panic doing relaxation techniques. But I actually do yoga nidra every night with my 9 year old at her bedtime. She's very fidgety and difficult to put to sleep.
Good work, Zanzoken.
Quote from: zanzoken on August 03, 2021, 07:51:03 AM
How do I feel today? Pretty good, actually. My circumstances haven't changed, but something is changing in me because I am finding the strength to fight for control over my life again.
Hi Zanzoken,
I think that's great :cheer:
I really liked what you said about 'Emotions firing back up again. Need time to cycle through' - that really makes sense, and I relate to that very much.
Sending you a hug :hug:
Hope :)
BeeKeeper, thank you for your kind words and for sending me a hug. The one commitment I can say I've kept to myself is not giving up. I spent years in denial of my problems, and years more failing to understand them, but I have persevered. Now I have a huge mountain to climb, but I feel so full of hope knowing it's the right mountain. Isn't that so much better than being lost and wandering aimlessly in the wilderness? :hug:
Armee, thank you for your support. I agree completely with what you said about emotions needing their voice. I am imagining a continuum where on one extreme our emotions are silenced, and on the other, they are all-consuming. I believe the right approach is to strike a balance between the two... allowing myself to feel what I feel, while retaining my sense of agency. I also appreciate you sharing the bit about doing yoga nidra with your child. That must be so fulfilling and nurturing for you both... an incredible gift.
Hope, thank you for your kindness and for sending a hug. Part of the reason I feel more comfortable sitting with my feelings is from reading your journal, and learning about how you sit with yours. You have had a positive influence on me. :hug:
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I had another good day today. Feeling inspired and optimistic. A familiar internal voice has emerged in response, its tone bitter and sarcastic.
Don't get your hopes up.
You know you can't maintain this. Sooner or later it will all come crashing down.
I hear you, critic. You are not very nice, but I know you're just trying to spare us from more pain and suffering. The truth is, though, that I can maintain this. It's just going to require a lot of courage, wisdom, and hard work. And I am okay with that.
I am listening to a series of podcasts about sleep and regulating circadian rhythms. I have always had a difficult time falling asleep and waking up on a normal schedule, which upsets my moods and is highly detrimental to my wellness. But this explains how to fix it, using tools derived from biology and scientific research. I am looking forward to putting them in action so that I can hopefully get myself back on a more desirable cadence.
I also did my first yoga nidra exercise today, and loved it! I think I have developed a mild level of proficiency at putting my mind into a relaxed state, due to experimenting with yoga and meditation off and on over the past year. As the meditation moved through my body, I imagined each part being cleansed with a healing ball of light. I was able to relax to an extent that my body almost felt like it was floating. I feel like I have discovered a powerful tool that will only get more useful with continued practice.
Wishing you all the best for today and every day. :hug:
Congrats on enjoying that first yoga exercise! it sounds lovely the way you described it. And any mountain can be climbed if we take small enough steps to keep going. HUG