I have had the same episodes before. Every day seems exhausting and dreary. At these days, my energy levels would drop to the lowest, heart racing, dream a lot and wake up with a dark cloud hovering in my head. It felt like there was no hope, no sign of a sunny day, and no way of escape. Such episodes happened a few times in my life. I am not very sure how I got into them or out of them. It seems every time I got one of such episodes, there was a trigger preceded it. And as the environment changed-- such as moving to another city, starting a relationship with someone, changing my career direction, the symptoms were gradually diminished and I gradually moved out of the fog. And when a trigger happens again, I probably will fall back into the fog. These foggy episodes may as well be called as depression or anxiety attacks. But it does not matter what the medical name is. What matters is how I felt and lived inside these episodes.
I think I am right in such an episode now, which is triggered by my father's cancer diagnosis. I have very conflicting feelings towards him. He is dying. I am in another country and feel trapped in my own mind reviewing and re-feeling all that happened in my FOO.
Although knowing the trigger will not make you directly feel better. But the awareness of it makes you a little bit stronger. Try to talk or write about such feelings as much as possible; try to cry as much as possible; and trust time. Healing is a process, time is one essence. It is painful to feel so helpless and vulnerable.
People say to feel emotionally stronger you need to connect with others. But for people with CPTSD, especially the ones caused by childhood abuse, to build connection is already a challenge, because we never learned how to trust and how to be vulnerable. Instead, we learned how to survive when we were young at the cost of our mental warfare of the future. I am not sure if my words would bring any comfort to you. I find them to be dark as well, just like my mood now. Let's keep going and keep searching for the light.
I think I am right in such an episode now, which is triggered by my father's cancer diagnosis. I have very conflicting feelings towards him. He is dying. I am in another country and feel trapped in my own mind reviewing and re-feeling all that happened in my FOO.
Although knowing the trigger will not make you directly feel better. But the awareness of it makes you a little bit stronger. Try to talk or write about such feelings as much as possible; try to cry as much as possible; and trust time. Healing is a process, time is one essence. It is painful to feel so helpless and vulnerable.
People say to feel emotionally stronger you need to connect with others. But for people with CPTSD, especially the ones caused by childhood abuse, to build connection is already a challenge, because we never learned how to trust and how to be vulnerable. Instead, we learned how to survive when we were young at the cost of our mental warfare of the future. I am not sure if my words would bring any comfort to you. I find them to be dark as well, just like my mood now. Let's keep going and keep searching for the light.