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Thanks so much sanmagic7, I really appreciate your support <3

When I say I have no clear memories it's because on several occasions things have happened that felt like they triggered a memory but my brain shut it down as fast as it came up. Also I've experienced what I suppose could be called body memories or emotional memories - just this strong gut feeling that something happened, triggered by very specific evens. But because I don't have a concrete visual memory, if you will, I'm not sure if anything happened or if I'm imagining it.

'Brain shutting a memory down as fast as it came up': I'm getting that all the time at the moment. It's more on emotional/verbal abuse, and also realising connections between said abuse and current problems I have functioning in daily life. For me, it's a definite sign that there's more than enough going on in healing and in remembering and in realising and this is therefore a protective measure. It could be this in your case too.

From what I've learnt in therapy - actual psycho-theory - our bodies do have memories, it's not just our heads that do, so "body memories or emotional memories - just this strong gut feeling that something happened, triggered by very specific events" makes a lot of sense to me. Especially since very specific events trigger this gut feeling. I used to get a lot of body memories in the form of pain - all over the place: shoulders, arms, hands, feet (some because of general emotional abuse / dysfunctional family stuff, not just sexual abuse). There has never come a point where I've had to say to myself 'oops, that pain was for nothing. Obviously I imagined something there...' And I've been on this healing journey for a good number of years now. So I mean there's been plenty of time for these  internal 'oops' comments to come. I also have a very active Inner Critic who has been getting quieter in this field over the years rather than louder.

Feeling "safe" enough to remember might not occur just because you move out. This feeling of "safe" isn't just a physical feeling. It could take longer. I'm telling you this because you mention being afraid that remembering is precisely what will happen when you move out.

I'm a bit stuck in a different area of my healing at the moment. Thinking the above through and writing it for you has helped me in this other area, so thank you for giving me this opportunity.
Just to reassure again, you're definitely not going crazy. No way.

Very interesting, that does sound like what I'm dealing with. And yeah, at the moment I can't even imagine feeling safe, even when I'm on my own because to an extent I'm terrified of being alone with my mind, even though being home with my FOO isn't helpful either. So I guess I'll just have to wait and see if memories resurface someday or not. I wish I could know for sure. Thanks so much for reassuring me that I'm not going crazy - it sure feels like it sometimes.

And I'm so glad it helped you some to talk things out with me, I hope you continue to heal and make progress and all that good stuff

I have the exact same thing happen to me, since childhood. When I get especially stressed I automatically dissociate and shut down. I think it's a means of self-protection. I hate that I can't control it and it seems to come out of nowhere. I know it's hard and weird and makes you feel crazy sometimes (or at least it does for me). Big  for you.

Hi E-G.   Just to say you aren't alone in anything that you feel. But you are clearly looking  for answers about why you feel these things. When I read your story i wondered - When you say no clear memories, what do you have memories of?  Was there any non-physical sexual dimension to your emotional abuse? Was anyone else in your FOO sexually abused do you know? I think there are many ways to violate a child's sexual boundaries and innocence.

All of that sounds just like what I'm dealing with, except there isn't any family story of sexual abuse. I don't have a therapist, I've heard it takes a lot of work to find a good one, plus I'm not sure what my family/friends would think of that. I know I could keep it a secret but I hate keeping secrets. I'll consider it after I move out.

I know  And that makes sense, I'll try that.

Hi ElizabethG,
I can relate to some of this. I was sexually abused, physically, but not in a way that people automatically think of. It has been discounted by Ts in the past, and by myself of course too. For years I went up and down in my head about whether or not it should 'count'. So I agree with someonesomewhere that you should keep in mind that there are many ways to violate a child's sexual boundaries.

Another point: sometimes memories don't resurface until we're ready for them / have the inner strength to deal with them. Unfortunately for me, I never forgot most of the sexual abuse, but from what I've heard among other survivors that's unusual. I did have memories all through childhood / adolescence that disappeared when I was a young adult and then re-surfaced when I started intensive therapy. They were most definitely not 'false memories'.

A long time ago, one T pretty forcefully suggested that FOO might have done this or that to me (1 instance of physical abuse, 1 of emotional). This T really believed her own intuition here. There was zero resonance for me. No memories have ever come up of what she suggested. Also I have sometimes dreamt instances of physical abuse that never took place. I know this definitely because I would have died 10 times over. No way could you survive those injuries with no scars, the way I am. I think they were a graphic representation of the emotional abuse that FOO did to me. I'm describing all this for you to show you that there are tangible differences between my own real memories (even if tucked away for a while), my dreams/nightmares and ideas suggested to me. Though I do know of CSA survivors whose suppressed memories have resurfaced in dreams, so I'm not discounting it. Just saying, be aware of your own feelings, trust your own feelings.

And I agree with ThreeRoses that having these ideas in your head is much much different than acting on them. I used to feel really ashamed of these ideas too, so I can relate.

I sincerely doubt that you have gone off the deep end.
to you.

Thanks so much for your support <3 And for sharing some of your experiences - you gave me a lot to think about. I've heard memories can resurface when you are "safe", and I'm afraid that's what will happen when I move out. But at the same time I kind of want that to happen just so I can be sure what I'm dealing with. I know people say you don't have to remember to deal with the symptoms, but I feel I do, at least to deal with some of the confusion.

Anyways, thanks again for sharing and reassuring me, it helps a lot. 

Hi E-G.   Just to say you aren't alone in anything that you feel. But you are clearly looking  for answers about why you feel these things. When I read your story i wondered - When you say no clear memories, what do you have memories of?  Was there any non-physical sexual dimension to your emotional abuse? Was anyone else in your FOO sexually abused do you know? I think there are many ways to violate a child's sexual boundaries and innocence.

Thanks for taking the time to answer me, those are all great questions. When I say I have no clear memories it's because on several occasions things have happened that felt like they triggered a memory but my brain shut it down as fast as it came up. Also I've experienced what I suppose could be called body memories or emotional memories - just this strong gut feeling that something happened, triggered by very specific evens. But because I don't have a concrete visual memory, if you will, I'm not sure if anything happened or if I'm imagining it.

I don't know of anyone in my FOO who was sexually abused, but then we never openly talk about stuff like that so I might not be aware of it if it did. As far as whether there was a non-physical sexual aspect to the emotional abuse, I don't think there is/was. My dad was overly controlling and always saw me as "daddy's little girl" in kind of an obsessive way, but I don't think there was anything sexual about it. I'll keep that in mind though, I hadn't thought about there being other ways to violate a child.

I'm done.

I don't feel like I have anything in me anymore... like the last 20 years have slowly sucked the life right out of me.

Don't get me wrong - I can still smile, and I can still enjoy certain things and be thankful for the blessings in my life. It's just that the pain has gotten so bad that it's there at the same time and makes it that much harder to smile when I really just wanna break down and cry.  Or worse yet are days like today when I'm totally numb to the point where I can barely get through work and even my driving is a lot worse. There were several times today that I should have gotten in an accident just because my stupid brain kept shutting down.

But anyways I guess I'm just done trying to be stronger than I am. I'm weak and shaky and tired... so tired. And I don't want to hide it anymore. I long for healthy, supportive relationships, but it's not like there are very many people I can open up to. Most of the people in my life are so close to my parents and hold them in such high regard that I feel like a traitor if I admit how bad things are in my family. I look forward to making new friends and relationships after I move out, but then I don't want to be a needy friend either.

And I don't know if this is normal or not, but as much as I desperately need to leave home, part of me is terrified of the idea. Not because being on my own scares me (I know it won't be easy but I'll be okay, and in a lot of ways I feel like I'm already on my own). It's more the actual act of walking out the door that freaks me out. My family is really hesitant about me leaving and I'm going to feel so guilty for leaving my mom to be abused by my dad and my siblings, and I feel horrible for wanting to create a better life for myself when my mom is still stuck in it. I guess that's my version of survivor's guilt in a way.

And that's another thing - I haven't officially been diagnosed with PTSD but I feel guilty for having any of the symptoms at all because it's not like I've been through war or anything. I mean yeah my family feels like a war zone and has been that way forever but it's not like physical abuse or combat.

I feel like I should be fine, but I'm not. I'm not suicidal but I'm definitely not okay.
And then at the same time I feel like I shouldn't be fine because how selfish is it to get myself to safety and leave my mom behind. 

So yeah. I'm exhausted and done pretending I'm stronger than I am.

I used to have nightmares. I think I was mostly processing stuff. I thought of my brain sorting bits and pieces of my life into relevant drawers of the filing cabinet. Some of this would have qualified as flashbacks. Our minds don't let up while there's still unprocessed or unacknowledged trauma.

There were WARNING! nightmares -- usually I was back in FOO and feeling like I'd let myself down as I tried to ingratiate myself with or placate mother. Those were an unnecessary reminder that I could never go back.

My life was fuller in those days. Now my waking life is the nightmare and I have compensatory dreams: I'm on holiday in some lovely place or I have a good job, and there are always nice people with me.

Our minds are always trying to help us. It might be a good idea to have pen and notebook by your bed and write down some key words, such as "trapped" or "lost", to figure out what your nightmares are trying to tell you.

Interesting, I do have compensatory dreams once in awhile and it's awful to wake up but more of the time I guess my head is just trying to sort trough all the junk. Writing them down sounds like a good idea, I'll try that.

I've been having awful nightmares almost every night for over a year and a half. Sometimes I wake up shaky and drenched in sweat, and it takes a couple of hours of calming music before I can fall back asleep (or I just get up). Other times they are more dark and horribly sad than frightening. Those last longer and leave me with a lingering sense of darkness and dread throughout the day. And then there is those weird nights that are hard to explain, where I wake up suddenly and am absolutely terrified, but I don't remember having a nightmare. The other night it actually happened as I was falling asleep, it was like my anxiety dialed 0-100 in 10 seconds flat and really freaked me out, but I didn't remember having a bad dream 

So I have a couple of questions about nightmares/bad dreams/night terrors that some of you might be able to help me with:

* Are nightmares considered flashbacks if they don't replay the traumatic event exactly?
* What is the difference between night terrors and nightmares?
* Do the nightmares go away once you leave the toxic home environment?
* Have any of you found anything that helps? Music and stretching does for me sometimes, but not consistently.
* Is it unusual that my bad dreams affect me during the day so much? They are really hard to shake off and I wake up really tired.

I know this might not help but I completely understand. I have horrible nightmares almost every night, it's so hard to be afraid to go to sleep. 

Thank you Candid and sanmagic7 for your support, it means a lot. It's so nice that you seem to care. And thank you sanmagic7 for what you said about therapy being entirely under my control - I hadn't realized that before. I kinda thought they push you into stuff so it's nice to know I have the freedom to say "no."

Thank you so much for your support. Can I ask if you were sexually abused and if that's why you relate to most of what I said? And yes a stray thought is different than acting on it - I would NEVER dream of acting on it, so that is a comfort in a sense.

Moderators, if any of this is too graphic or inappropriate for readers please feel free to delete it immediately. I don't want to cause any trouble but I don't know where else to talk about this.

I come from a very emotionally/mentally abusive family, but I've also wondered if I was possibly sexually abused as a child. Since I don't have any clear memories of it, and since "false memories" are something I don't want to mess with, I know I can't be sure. But there are a few troubling symptoms I struggle with that seem more like what a sexual abuse victim experiences, not an emotional abuse victim. So I'm wondering if any of you have experience with this and/or if you think emotional abuse could cause it or if it sounds more like past sexual abuse might be something to look into. I'm very embarrassed to talk about any of these symptoms because I'm very ashamed of them and I don't want you all to think I'm a nut or pedophile or something. I just need to talk about it and find answers if I can. I hope I'm not alone.

There are 3 symptoms in particular that I'm wondering about:

* I began masturbating before I knew what sex was, and obsessed over drawing sexually explicit pictures/reading whatever sexual material I could find, again before I was told about sex (not sure exactly what age)

* My fantasies are all extremely violent, inappropriate, and abusive, and much to my extreme shame child sexual abuse stories turn me on

* I relate to stories of children who were molested. It feels like it's me they are talking about, or like I've experienced what they are describing. Rape and sexual abuse scenes are also extremely uncomfortable for me to watch in movies, but other types of violence are not anywhere near as disturbing.

Does anyone else here experience any of those symptoms? If so, is it because you were sexually abused or do you think emotional abuse could cause it or have I just gone off the deep end?

I promise I'm normally a very goody-two-shoes type person, which is why I hate myself so much for those symptoms. I feel so dirty and awful because those aren't my natural self, if that makes any sense at all.

Hi everyone,

I hope this is the right place to introduce myself.

For starters, I'm 20 years old. I haven't been officially diagnosed with PTSD or C-PTSD but at the very least I know I have a lot of the symptoms. I'm not sure if I'll go get diagnosed or tested someday, I know you all will say I should but to be honest I really don't want to go on medications or be stuck in therapy forever.

I don't have the stereotypical PTSD story of a single, traumatic event in my life that forever changed me. My "trauma," if it can even be considered that, has been ongoing abuse (although never physical) in my family for as long as I can remember. I don't really have the mental energy to go into all the details right now, but basically I'm pretty sure my F and siblings are sociopaths and/or narcissists, and have systematically abused and manipulated my mom for what seems like forever. My siblings are more aggressive and verbally abusive, where my F is extremely passive aggressive (just as a small example - when he's mad he gets extremely sullen, sleeps on the couch, and basically gives my mom the silent treatment for weeks at a time). There is no reasoning with them or challenging them on anything unless you do it very, very carefully and without touching their ego.

To put it more simply, there has just been so much mental manipulation and verbal and emotional abuse in what should be my safest relationships that I'm utterly exhausted and in a lot of pain  It kills me to watch them tear apart my mom and not be able to stop it. They do the same to me but I've more or less figured out what to do/not to do to avoid triggering an attack from them. I think my situation is also worse because this isn't something just happening now - it's been going on my whole life, so I've never felt safe or at home with them. A part of me still feels like a very lonely little girl, as immature as that sounds. I didn't realize how messed up my family is until a friend reached out to me and I opened up to her, and realized my family isn't normal or healthy, and some families really do love each other in healthy ways, at least some of the time.

Which brings me to where I'm at now. I dealt with some bitterness towards them for awhile, but now I just hurt, a lot. I still love and care about them (yeah I know that's backwards because they are such jerks), but I'm done dealing with their crap. I literally cannot handle it anymore. I feel like about a year or so ago something in my brain just snapped. I started having nightmares almost every night (I still do), my hands shake and tremble a lot, I see double when I'm stressed, to name a few. When even the slightest conflict starts at home my whole body goes cold, I shake, and completely shut down. I've dealt with a lot of depersonalization issues since I was a child as well. I was suicidal for awhile but then I realized that wouldn't really solve anything. It would just pass my pain to other people, so I've succeeded in putting that idea out of my mind, at least for the time being. But honestly the pain is enough that death sounds very inviting sometimes (not to be morbid).

But anyways, that's the short story of me and where I'm at. I've also wondered for a few years now if I was sexually abused as a child because of some other weird symptoms I have (I'll probably discuss those later in a different thread), but I'm not sure so that's an entirely different issue. I'm looking forward to (hopefully) getting some support from you guys who understand, and giving the same in return.

[Also as a note because I'm sure some of you will ask - I'm planning on moving out of my parent's house asap. I just got a steady job finally, and I'm in the process of apartment hunting.]

Much love,
Elizabeth Genevieve