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I realized most of this intellectually a couple of years ago.  But somehow, today I'm starting to realize it on a more emotional level, and it's like being shocked all over again, like someone has just picked up the earth and used it like a salt shaker.  In general the past couple weeks I've been having more emotional responses to my childhood, feeling some of the pain I've repressed all these years. 

I understand. This is where I'm at as well.

Butterfly, I don't think I've ever had one as clearly related to my trauma as yours though.  I wonder if coming here has brought the trauma to the surface a little more so that even a visit with your M that went well was triggering.  Have your nightmares always been this clear?  I know it upset you deeply but is it possible that it means you are becoming stronger and more willing to look into those dark corners where the trauma and fear hide? 

Maybe so, definitely something to consider. When I was young my recurring dream was trying to run and I was running but couldn't round the corner and I'd pull on the side of the building but I couldn't round the corner. I've never directly connected these vivid nightmares to my trauma until a few years ago. My other recurring dream of choking and this from my youth I now understand more fully thanks to recovery.

Since OOTF my dreams are more vivid, more directly connected and varied rather than recurrent. So quite likely I'm more directly addressing the specifics of present trauma and digging into the dark corners and recesses. This site and the book are helping but it's painful and difficult for me to be in touch with feelings. I'm not used to feeling.

Emotion Overload, I can take restoril whenever needed but fear addiction so try to limit to 2-3 times a week. Plus it leaves me sleepy until noon the following day.

schrödingerskatze, interesting concept. Love it!

You sound like a Fly Lady graduate!

Words of wisdom Kizzie, words of wisdom. Compassion for "they have lost so much due to a disorder that is a result of the intergenerational cycle of abuse/neglect"

So glad you're in remission but wow 9 out of 500, that must've been so surreal to step forward through the crowd and be one of the few. Ultra sickening your M would use your cancer to gain sympathy.

"stuffing/ignoring/denying/minimizing" I once had a TCM doctor tell me if I didn't learn to express and continued to stuff it would kill me. Sadly. He told me this nearly 9 years ago. Better late than never I suppose.

Thank you for being here and creating this site.

Coda your last few words are choking me up. Thank you for your kind understanding.

Falling dreams sound pretty scary. Wishing you well.

@Butterfly Can you tell me more about how the GABA works? i mean how does it effect you how long does it take to make you tired. Is there other benefits that you like? Don't like?

I usually take it an hour before bed because if I hit the pillow fully awake and wait I'm no good. Sometimes I take another just before bed if I'm having a rough night. There's no side effects that I notice. I don't wake drowsy as when I take my restoril.

Thanks for the rumination link.

I haven't gotten through all CPTSD reading I have to do but I wanted to put this out there. I'm plagued by nightmares. Not often and the timing is sometimes odd.

This weeks visit with uPD mum (I'm LC MC) went well yet I had a nightmare last night of epic proportions. In my nightmare mum was driving far too fast through my current location. I was in deep fear for my life. I was trying to scream no and stop but could only manage a nearly mute whisper of the words.

When the car slowed enough for me to jump out I did so and found myself running through back ally's and businesses of my home town where I grew up. She wasn't far behind on foot and still all I could manage was a muted whisper 'no' over and over. She tried to get the police and the tax man after me but they dismissed her.

Finally I made  it through one building and out the back door and she was there waiting, outsmarted me, telling me I couldn't get away. And then I woke up still whispering a muted no but in my final waking breath I screamed out loud NO.

12 hours later I'm still shook up from the nightmare and I know what it's all about but I so wish the nightmares would stop.

Years ago I went for a sleep study because I would wake in the middle of the night choking. I thought perhaps I had sleep apnea but the test results came back with absolutely no physical reason for me to wake up choking. And I know what that was about two because every time I feel suffocated I wake up choking.

So I'm not sure if nightmares is a symptom or not but I suspect it is and welcome any comments or insights you might have.

Deepest thanks for commenting on my feelings. I'm at the same time comforted to not be alone and sad for everyone else at the same time. Kizzie I hope the cancer is in full remission.

schroedingerskatze, Please (and I know this is wrong to probably word it this way) but don't ever feel silly for posting. All of us are damaged in some way and there is no degree of damage it is simply damage.

To me the easiest way to describe enmeshment is all up in each other's business but it's a step further. Projection and mirroring are part of it too. See link below for detailed official definition.
http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Engulfment.html

I think of the term Engulfing from the other persons point of view the term Enmeshment to describe the relationship. Essentially they're the same meaning.

If you're familiar with Star Trek the concept of the Borg really defines the enmeshment and that's how I feel. If you're unfamiliar with the Borg theme google it. Here's a post from OOTF.
http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=32126.msg300614#msg300614

Now thanks to MC she knows hardly anything. Not even what I'm making for dinner because any tiny detail of my life was used to enmesh, share, tell others and show how close we are. She over shared every detail about me but would bite my head off if I said a word about her at all in front of anyone.

It's sad for me not having a mum to be close to and its sad for her not having the daughter she wants. The whole thing fills me with sadness.

It's good you went for therapy and she sounds wonderful! Prognosis positive. Motivation vs enthusiasm. Once looked up the definitions. Motivation is a thing of the mind and I often confuse this with enthusiasm which is an emotion. Don't need to be enthused to be motivated, need to decide to do something and do it, that's motivation.

Thanks for posting. Very interesting.

Introvert / extrovert honestly hold no meaning for me. I enjoy people, quiet comfortable relaxed people. But even then I need time alone. Often I've felt I could live alone in the woods because I love nature and quiet solitude. I'd have friends for dinner often yet have time quiet in my sanctuary. When I'm around people too much my head gets buzzed to the point that if I go to a quiet room my ears and head actually hear a swooshing noise for some time.

I do volunteer work several times a week and in open spaces. Confined and crowded spaces are not for me. After some hours I come home and don't even want the tv on - just some quiet time to read. Too much activity is overwhelming and I sometimes even put silicone earplugs to dull the noise but can still hear fine. Not sure if that's healthy or not but it works for me. I'm not seeing a T and if I was perhaps I'd have more problems than I'm aware of presently!

Globetrotter I don't think your desire to have some quiet solitude is anything that needs examination. If it works for you it seems like just a healthy preference but that's my totally unprofessional opinion.

You know, writing this out made me have a sudden aha moment. Screaming and yelling were common growing up and quite traumatic. When there was quiet it was quiet filled with tension waiting to mum to explode. If I kept silent or tucked out of the way in my closet or basement crawl space she'd have less to explode about. I'd hide there for hours with my flashlight reading and feeling quite safe.

Maybe I just find quiet solitude safe.

Hi Glenna. I came here from OOTF in the midst of an emotional flashback panic attack and got Walkers book that same day. There was a page on his website what to do in the midst of panic and I quick downloaded some apps for my phone to listen to that's supposed to calm someone down and they helped me.

It's sad that your dealing with your FOO destroyed your FOC and I hope you're able to heal.

Hi PureJoy. Same here with the grocery store only when needed. Crowds have recently sent me into panic mode more frequently. I've always considers myself a homebody but because of my volunteer work I do get out of the house but mostly into open spaces.

What works for me so far for groceries is ordering some supplies online and doing a weekly produce run early in the morning as the store opens and before it gets crowded. I save my big shopping for monthly and have my list in my phone so it organized by category and I can buzz right through the nearly empty store.

Most recently I discovered if I leave my purse home and just have my wallet and phone in my pockets I can leave the cart at the end of the aisle and run down to pickup one thing if that's all I need in that row. Not having to worry about my purse leaves me free to move about with the cart and the not having to fumble makes the experience much less cumbersome and difficult.

Some might view this as hiding from facing things and I should go when it's crowded but I view this as working within my limitations and accepting what works for me.