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I do the same thing at the moment. Enjoying a bludge few days from the day or two of doing things a few days ago With time i'll fill in time with more things but right now, just doing what the brain and body can handle.

i need to keep telling myself that any progress is good, and i'm much better than i was a year ago.

Yes. Because it's true

I hope you dont mind me saying this...but it likely is your parents / caregivers who set you up for this kind of abuse.
You do not deserve that.
I think it does suck that we are the ones who now as adults, have to sort out ourselves and our self protection / boundaries etc.

A very salient point Sienna. My parents are my biggest supporters right now, but you are right in that the upbringing, the values learned at the time do set us up for it. In my case, I was able to successfully 'rewire' my brain at at school, and establish healthy boundaries to protect myself. But I can see now that my siblings have a very consolidated warped view of what it is to show care for others. When my world came crashing down, the lack of support I had from them (because they aren't capable of it), meant the protection I thought I had through them did not actually exist. Thus a new search for safety ensued, meaning a shift of boundaries to let others in for an effort of love... which I think Sienna, explains why I was thinking of douchy-narcy x.

I used to be able to read the signs and stay away from toxic people, but now I let them in more easily because i'm desperate to find a safe anchor to replace the family. Wow you're good Sienna.

Artemis23
So sorry the temporary restraining order has not been implemented. Its a tonne of effort, energy and I assume money, on your part to get that far - dealing with him and navigating the justice system, gathering all of your evidence for the hearing, taking you away from the things you would prefer to be doing, or things you have committed yourself to - only to suffer a set back at this point. You're the one out of everyone, who needs the break, not more work.

I hope he does move on. I had a stalker flatmate (think 'Single White Female') whom I had to escape from, who did not leave me alone after I left. It was quite violent. Unfortunately she knew where my parents lived and so I would receive special gifts and letters left in their driveway when I did not return any communication from her. When I did have to see a solicitor/lawyer, his advice was to not pursue an AVO (apprehended violence order, the equivalent of a restraining order), because he believed that in her obsession with me, and need to have a relationship with me, if it wasn't going to be a good one, she would do anything to even have a bad one. Going to court, and seeing her to get the AVO would be feeding that warped need for a relationship, keep me in her mind, require the exchange of information which may lead her to know where I had moved to, and therefore be an avenue perpetuate the stalking... after a stern correpondence to her from him, and a creative mysterious attempt at panel beating on my car a few months later on a visit to my parents, everything has been golden (in regard to her) since. A bit of a gamble I know, but without me in the picture someone else would have taken my place to focus on, sadly.

Artemis23, can you use the creepy cyber stalking things as evidence on Monday? Are you in a position to move house?

I know our situations are not entirely in parallel but I know you are exhausted. I hope this ends soon for you. I hope you get that restraining order, and I hope the consequences are just if he breaches the order. I hope he doesn't show up and that you can still get that order. I hope he leaves you alone!

Great post LanaBanana,

I like caring for potted plants for some reason. Lovely green succulents to brighten up the verandah and kitchen table. Gorgeous.

What are some things you like to do LanaBanana?

Hey Sienna, even though yours is a reply to Samantha19's post, It applies to me very much also. Its like you're writing down all of my thoughts.

Oh thank you too Artemis23.
I appreciate the link and am eager to read that article. Just need a cleansing, head clearing bath... tea... movie... whatever first, haha.

Will check back in with all of these articles later. I hope you're making good headway with your predicament too.

Thats a bumma Tewaz, but I like the positive enthusiasm. Yeah we will get there.

Hey Cocobird!

You thought right in the first place. You went swimming, did some work on your apartment and had the motivation to join the gym. To me, you did well. If only for a little while, you got a break, you moved forward just that extra bit.

Those steps forward are small now, as they need to be, but when your head is ready they will get slowly bigger.

Sorry Sienna, of course it is okay to comment any time on anything. Its lovely to be heard.

Its funny that you mentioned the teacher showing up when the student is ready. I used to be a teacher and so think that may have been written with the old teacher hat on as a passing comment to the students hopefully as supportive encouragement. I am definitely one of the students learning lots from my classmates

[Sienna]

That is a lot of food for thought Kizzie, Three Roses and Sienna. Thank you. The information you have given is going to take a little while to ponder and process. The ideas that resonated immediately were:

Sienna

Have you found that your emotional numbness towards him, and/or, your anger towards him, has disappeared or gone down in intensity?

Yes, it has reduced in intensity but still pops up occasionally. It is not unexpected with time going by, but I do have it in mind that with this reduction there is the possibility of 'forgetting' the abusiveness (for want of a better word), and remembering their 'good' points. For him there really weren't many. I was very angry with him during and after it ended. I cried a lot. When I think about him I do remember, and feel angry toward him now.

I found that with the narc lady (wanted her to be my mum, she resembled my narc mother)...
when she left, i felt nothing. I was very disassociated for a long time.
As time went on...i wasnt mad with her anymore. I felt sad and wanted her back and wondered about connecting her. I was still numb and had not dealt with or expressed any feelings i had about her, anger etc.
I never grieved. And i still havent.
But i think that within time, because i never allowed myself to feel angry with her and what she did, my mind settled back into thinking all about *her*, and *how she must feel*, and that she must be a good person really.
She is...as we all are deep down, and benefit our trauma stuff that may make us act out in horrible ways that hurt others.
Only i realised after sometime, that even thought that may be true, i would not be able to access that side of her. The real her.
It was too late, and if she didnt want fixing or helping...thats it. i dont know how to fix her. Only a therapist and she would never go to see one.
Im just wondering if your experience has been at all similar.

This is what will require some thought. At first glance, not really. But maybe yes. Right now I do realise my thoughts and feelings toward 'loved ones' are not aligned. I know what abuse is, it is unacceptable in any form, and do speak up about it... but beyond here is where it gets all muddled.

if we are used to relationships like this (with parents/caregivers etc.)...our brains think that that is normal

Yes. Absolutely true. My brain did think that way until I started a teaching degree after finishing school, and became that caregiver myself for the next decade or so. My brain has not thought of that as normal for a very long time. I suppose in a way it has made things more distressing; instead of working with the 'norm' I get more distressed by what I now know is not.

And also, with out the abuse...life can feel boring

Absolutely not, but I think this links with what Kizzie posted later, and i'll give a bigger response there.

Also, the memory of the narc in the beginning, can make us want them back, thinking that was the real them

To some extent yes, and no. Yes, in the beginning I did very much like him, connected with what he portrayed. It does not happen often, It was nice. There really are things that we did in common, more so than others. This was not part of the portrayal, they were real. There were other things that I reserved judgement on (things guys say trying to impress the girl), a couple of red flags that were noted... then the change was swift when I needed to assert myself. That was horrid. He is not a good person. At all. And plenty of people can see it. I was cast aside for someone else, how can I willingly go back to someone who thinks its okay to treat people like that? These are things that I would never put up with from anyone else.

I'm in an abusive relationships, but as long as i have tiny scraps of love, ill take them, as its better than nothing, and your still trying to fix a pattern of trying to get love

Maybe I fell into that trap a little trying to nip things in the bud. Stop the abuse before it really started, but by doing that I triggered a torrent of abuse. I think it is because I do not believe in throwing things away, I do believe in working on things. There will always be miscommunication and learning curves in any relationship, but its only worth working on if all parties are willing. He wasn't. There comes a point where it has to stop.

You may wish you were this new girl of his . If he dumped her, maybe you wish and hope that he wants you back, or maybe you wish that you could fix him so that he would regret using her like he used you. Maybe you want to stop him injuring others in the future?

In all honesty, no, no, no, no.
I want to be me, not the new girl. He had me, and he buggered up.
I don't want him to want me back because it didn't work with her.
I don't want to manipulate people's emotions.
I just wish he wasn't so wrapped up in his own inflated, deluded, grossly egocentric persona. Because he missed, nay, screwed up an opportunity to have something that could have been really genuinely lovely. But he made his choices and did what he did. It cannot be undone.

We all know what friends say when relationships break down when ego is involved... "his loss". Well it wasn't just his. Mine too.

But with narc X who left, i just hate him and dont want to see him ever again.
Sometimes the anger is suppressed, so i wonder if i will ever feel addicted to him in the future as i work through this loss.

I think that sums up the above.

Thanks Sienna, when I clear my head a bit, will definitely look at those websites you have posted. Did a lot of research and reading, and thought i'd managed to find it all. But not these links. Look forward to reading them.

Any feelings that come up, they most likely need to be felt and have been stuffed down for years.

Yes. They seem to come up in one big rush when something in the present triggers them don't they? Its never one thing at a time.

Three Roses

Sometimes the boobytrap we're familiar with is better than the minefield we're not.

I have not heard that one before, but do know it well. Will remember that one.

Kizzie

I know when I first started going LC with my FOO I was relieved but oddly bored too. I realized I missed the crisis, the excitement of all the gameplaying and emotion.  Crazy stuff but it was what I was used to and calm, stable and healthy were just not in my world view back then.

Yes I do understand the not being used to calm, stable and healthy indeed Kizzie. I remember when I first moved out of the family home I could not deal with the quiet healthy calm. Now I enjoy it, though not entirely I do like the excitement and energy of discussion and activity, but not the crisis.


My head is in big fuzz now. Reading over think there could be some unsurprising contradictions in my written thoughts and feelings. Somethings I think need complete re-answering. But its too much to think on!


Some thoughts I has at first reading of your replies:
Is it really about him? Am I placing all of my anger on him for everything i've experienced before. Is it because I had a little period of happiness with him that gave me hope of moving forward from the nastiness of past relationships?

Aw Thank you Sienna. I didn't expect a reply to that comment.
So thankful to have found this forum, still slowly working my way through learning the different aspects of what's happening - haven't  made it near understanding the inner and outer critic yet. There's always someone here to point you in the right direction.

On a side note, and this is a bit mushy but, after all the loneliness on this journey, I feel so lucky to have found you all. xo

 
Oh boy.
Thank you

Oh and let me know if I need to edit the spelling his understated 'pseudonym'

Hi all.

It seems to be the place for venting here so I think I might too. Just a bit worked up right now, and I know what I am going to say is entirely irrational. I'm not upset with myself, but upset that i'm torturing myself.

Went out with some mates last night and had a fantastic time. In the course of the evening, I found out that the absolute douche (I hope this isn't considered swearing... I'm Australian so its almost a term of endearment here), that I was seeing a couple of months ago has broken it off with the girl he started to see essentially while were... well you know... hallmark narcy stuff.

Now I am very conscious about not putting myself down or blaming myself, but why can I not stop thinking about him? Why?? He was an absolute *many, many expletives deleted*. So why am I thinking about him? Why am I even entertaining the idea of contacting him?? Nothing good will come out of anything to do with him, so why am I doing this to myself?

Any thoughts/pearls of wisdom welcome 

Oh Samantha19 I feel so sad for what you are feeling. You are in no way an idiot for making a move, but as you say if this is causing a breakdown then maybe you are right in thinking of heading down the therapy road. I finally recognised the need for therapy recently with a major breakdown, but have clearly needed it for a few years. It it is doing the world of good.

I look forward to hearing about your progress whatever you decide to do.

If not for Samantha19, it makes sense to me Chartery.

I'm sorry that this happened Samantha19. Been there too. If you do decide to contact him again as Radical suggests, let us know how you go! Not all is lost yet xo