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Hi California Dreaming & Woodsgnome,

I just wanted to say that I appreciate this thread, and have been reading what you both say in it.  I've just read what you wrote, Woodsgnome, about the things that are helpful to you - Meditation, exercise etc, and it was really helpful to read.

Thank you both for sharing so much of your experiences, and I really feel that I relate to many things you say.

Hope

Thank you so much Sceal and SanMagic - I appreciate your replies very much.     to you both.   

Journal Entry for 11th April 2018

I am physically ill - I thought it was psychological, and I suspect that quite a significant part of it is exhaustion from all this work I've been doing, on my inner wounded parts - but I also think I have some food poisoning - as I have a bad stomach upset - and I can't eat very much - I am trying to eat bland foods - and keep hydrated. 

I am also being mindful of the advice to rest and recuperate from this, and I've been sleeping a lot - during the day and at night.  I took a warm bath as well - and it was comforting. 

I had felt very depressed in my mood, and it was getting me down.  However it is lifting a bit, as I am feeling a bit better as the day has gone on. 

Hope 

Little Hope wants me to ask a question here - when she used to get moved around from school to school, I think that the number of school changes got too much for her.  Maybe she shut down a bit.  But Hope remembers that whenever she used to meet a new school child - or a teacher - or anyone new - that their features would be extra defined - every freckle on someone's face would stand out - it was almost as if Little Hope was viewing them in technicolour brilliance.  This would be the case for about 20 minutes or so, and then later, as she got to know them, then the initial features wouldn't be prominent or even noticeable anymore.

This doesn't seem to happen now as an adult - but I do remember it clearly and vividly from when I was a child.

Does anyone relate to that?  What do you think it is?

Hope 

  to you Sceal, and I hope your dad likes your painting that you've done for him.  I am sure it would be a wonderful gift.

Hope you are ok.

Hope 

Journal entry on 10th April 2018

I am continuing to be in quite a depressive phase, emotionally - feeling quite low and flat and lacking in interest - BUT I am also attempting to process this and get in touch with the part of myself that is represented by this feeling - and I think I am making some links and that I am getting somewhere.  But it's really hard - I am also feeling physically sick quite a bit of the time, and then wondering if I am 'sickening for something' - maybe I am physically ill - but my partner said to me that he thinks it's 'psychological' - interesting! 

I can't put things into words just yet - because I just don't have the words to convey it.  I felt physically sick, and as if I couldn't eat - but I did eat.  Then I felt a bit better.  So it's like my appetite has gone, I can't work out when I'm hungry and when I'm full. 

I'm not going to worry about it - or at least, I'll try not to. 

I think it's because I've been working hard on the inner wounded parts stuff, and maybe it's too much - too soon - but yet I don't want to stop doing it - as I feel like I've finally found a way to understand myself.  But at the same time, I can see that I have a lot of different issues to contend with - so many.  Too many.

But I have time, and I have hope - and I will just try to go with it.

Hope 

  to you Decimal Rocket.   

Hope 

Hi Blueberry,
I just wanted to say that I think you're brave and you're courageous too - and I am so glad that you have started new posts, because it's beneficial to all of us to see your posts and how you think about things and share your experiences, and I hope that it is beneficial and constructive to you to post - I've not noticed any particular frequency to it, but I am just grateful to you for being here. 

I just wanted to say that and also to extend a hug to you Blueberry  , if that's ok. 

Hope 

Hi Nikki,

Welcome and I hope that you will find this forum as helpful as I have - glad you were able to sign up and that you've been reading the posts and finding them helpful.

Wishing you the best.

Hope 

Just wanted to say that I hope it goes ok tomorrow with your new T - and that you've had a tough time at the chemist today - well done for standing up for yourself though - you were brave!

to you, if that's ok, Memorex.

Hope 

p11 - this part is meaningful:
"The goal of this approach is not remembering: it is repair of the injuries suffered as a result of the traumatic events, whether remembered explicitly as narrative or implicitly as feelings and reactions."

This is really useful to me at the moment. 

Hope 

Just in the Introduction part of the book, p10 and wanted to make notes on this:

"Rather than focusing on desensitizing the event memories, experts now advise prioritizing transformation of trauma-related states through the cultivation of new experiences.  Instead of focusing on developing a trauma narrative, clients are instead advised to rewrite their "self-defeating" stories and create a healing story that allows them to make meaning of what happened (Michenbaum, 2012).

Further down that page, Janina writes "The client's instinctive avoidance of the trauma and trauma-related parts will continue to re-enact the behaviour of non-protective bystanders if not guided to a different way of working."

Both these sections resonate with me, and it's more meaningful to me the second time of reading.

Today I was able to stay with the 'sad and flat' part of me - even though I wanted to do things to 'lift' and 'avoid' that mood - and I was drawn to things like comfort eating - but I refused to give into that drive, and I stayed with the communication with that wounded part of me - and as the day has gone on, I've discovered that I feel greater resonance.

I just wanted to share that experience and those words, because they were meaningful.  Maybe they will also resonate with someone else. 

Hope 

Hi WhoBuddy,
I am so thankful to have read your writing today - because you talked of how you communicate with your Sad part - and how that is helpful to you - and it's helped me to think that maybe today I'm communicating with my 'flat part' - because my morning feels very 'flat' - and I can't think why I feel this way.  But maybe it's just that I'm communicating with my 'flat part'.

I don't know why, but just having this realisation, and also hearing you talk about your plush parts - it makes me feel more hopeful - because whatever emotion I'm feeling - it's an opportunity to communicate with a part, and even the ones that I dislike - instead of pushing them into compartments and closing the door on them (which is likely what I've done in the past) - instead I should sit with them, and listen to them, and find out why they feel so 'flat' or 'sad' or 'depressed' - because when I look at my past now - instead of somehow thinking it was ok - I realise it wasn't ok.  Not at all. 

WhoBuddy and FenStarShimmer - I am so glad you're both reading this book - and that we're sharing this journey - that's how it feels to me - that gives me more hope.

It's good not to feel alone with it - knowing others understand.

I'm realising as I write this, that there's often an optimistic 'part' who tries to pull me out of 'flat times' - but actually I think I should sit with the 'flat side' of myself - because I need to talk and understand more with that part.  So this is helpful.

I won't say more now - but thank you for giving me the space to discuss this.

Hope 

Hi SanMagic - I also remember doing Painting by Numbers when I was a child - it was a nice thing to do.  I don't know if they still have those things, but I do remember it was oil paint, as I also remember the smell.  Thank you for the love and hug - and reciprocating that back to you -  thank you.  I'm not sure if I'll actually get to do the painting, as I can't even motivate myself to even draw at the moment - my creativity is stuck - I feel stuck in many ways, but I am going to try to make some changes this week, and hopefully I'll be able to get past it.

Hi Sceal - I think I will also wait till the Summer to try the oil painting, because you've made a good point about needing ventilation to do it.  I am finding it hard to even do some drawing, as my creativity is stuck - but I thought if I try to do a drawing this week - just one - just start one, then maybe I'll want to do more.  I do dot-to-dots currently, which I find relaxing.  I only do about 10 minutes of dot-to-dot a day - but I like it.  So maybe I can do 10 minutes of drawing.  Thanks for what you said about merging with Little Hope - maybe she will want to draw herself and so maybe she can lead the way on that.  Thank you for the hug, and I would like to also give you a warm hug back too -  - if that's ok.
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Journal entry for 9th April 2018
I need to do some de-cluttering - I have lots of things I need to get rid of, but again, feel lack of motivation to even start.  I feel quite flat in my mood today - which isn't helping.  I have an appointment I need to attend later - so I need to get ready for that. 
Can't write anymore just now.
Hope 

Hi SanMagic,
I have put the white spirit away - just in a cupboard with other cleaning type products, so it's not locked up, but somehow just being out of sight makes it feel better already.  Thanks for your reply here and I agree with what you said about getting in touch with different parts of me means also getting in touch with thoughts that maybe I would normally push away or try not to take notice of - but then it would be like 'don't think of the pink rabbit in the room' - and then it would be there prominently wanting to be taken notice of!  I also acknowledge that it's down to being more stressed too - that I'm experiencing these things.  But I'm accepting it as a process and I am feeling better about it - especially having discussed it here and got the helpful replies from you and California Dreaming.  Thank you 

California Dreaming - Thank you so much for your considered thoughts on this, and I appreciate that you read some of my posts, and sorry that some was too triggering for you - I completely understand that.  I found your information on "The Imp of the Perverse" to be really helpful - and I felt ok to look it up online and read more about it, and came across the Harvard researcher's writings about it, which were really useful.  It has made me feel a lot better about it - having heard now of those things.   Thank you so much. 

I've put the white spirit away - it's not locked up, but then neither are the knives - and although I've always disliked the knives, I don't believe I would do anything to hurt myself.    Funny that even at that point, a small voice in the back of my mind utters something representing doubt, but I really don't think I would.

***Trigger warning
I am getting a flashback right at this moment to an event that happened when I was 17 years old, and I was suffering from glandular fever at the time (but didn't know that I had that) and I was on holiday with my FOO and I was sweating buckets at night in the room, and there were railings outside the window, and I really felt suicidal at that time, and had considered throwing myself out of the window onto the railings - and I even have the visual scene of that - i.e. as if I had done it - and that comes back to me now and again - I didn't act on those thoughts, but it fascinates me that I seem to think about spiking my stomach with sharp objects - as an image that is consistent.  I've NEVER acted on any of those thoughts - it's just a theme that I've noticed.  I wonder why.

I wasn't expecting to write about that - but think it's relevant somehow.

Anyway, I would like to thank you both (SanMagic and California Dreaming) for sharing your thoughts - I found both your replies to be very helpful and also validating of my experience.

Hope 

Hi Dee,
I just wanted to say that I would like to offer you a hug, if it's ok  and say that I think you have every right to talk to who you want to talk to. 
Hope