Owl's journal

[owl25]

woodsgnome, your Icr may be correct that you consciously made that choice.  What it may not realize is that there was a good reason for that choice. There always is; parts of us do things in an effort to protect. I understand though that despair coming up as a result, it's a result of feeling so stuck and like nothing can change. This may be faulty thinking, and I think this is being battled by opposing parts of me - those that feel it's the truth, we are stuck forever, and then there's this other part of me that believes that with effort things can be different. Thank you for the hug and for sharing how you see me. 

san, I hope your T is right and that you can work through it all, sometimes it just feels like an impossibility and it gets very distressing. I don't want the rest of my life to be this, the thought of that is unbearable. It makes me want to work harder at it, but at the same time, I know I can't force the process, I can't speed it up, and so that's discouraging too, that it's going to take the time it's going to take. Yes you are right, we don't want this thing to win. Thank you 

--
I'm still not feeling well today and ended up taking a sick day. I usually push through, but today I couldn't face a day of struggling through the work day. It feels a bit like torture when I can't focus and all I want to do is lie down and rest. I wonder if I am fighting something off now, I'm feeling run down still despite resting and taking it easy the past few days.

I am still on the wait list for EMDR. I've been on the fence about EMDR for quite some time, so this has been okay. Parts have been very afraid to try it, but I'm noticing less fear now. There is still a lot of caution around it, but I think I'm open enough now to see how it might go. It may be a couple more months yet, but that's okay. I think that will give me more time to do IFS and help me gain a bit more confidence in myself in being able to handle what might come up for me. I am finding actually there is a part that now wants to do EMDR to see if this can help move things along more quickly. I am so tired of still having so many struggles. Things have vastly improved for me, but there is still a lot of painful stuff there that still feels like too much and I need a solution.

I know progress is slow going because parts are very afraid of the pain that's locked away. I have felt some of it a few times in the past month or so, and it is a lot and intensely painful. No one likes to feel pain, and I think pretty much most of me is trying to stay away from the acute feelings. However, keep it locked up is draining and steals energy from my life that I want. I'm not sure how to face it head on, because I really don't want to. I know I'm avoiding and running from it. I don't have the courage and I don't know how to.

I wish I had an appointment scheduled for this week.

[owl25]

I think I'm in an EF. I think I may have been one in the past few days.  I thought I was coming out of it, with it lingering some a little. Then some conflict happened and I am feeling panicked and scared. I know this is an EF and yet feel unable to ground.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry a conflict happened just as you thought you were moving out of the previous EF. It's good that you recognise you're in an EF even if you're not managing to re-ground yourself. This EF will pass too. Sending care and support to you, Owl. 

[owl25]

Thank you Blueberry. It's been a few days now and the EF has passed. It's mind-blowing how powerful they are.

---
I didn't have a session with my counsellor this week as she is away. I managed to do some IFS on my own. I discovered a new part of me. I know very little about it as I have not had the time to get to know it yet. The only thing I know about it is that it wants to be free from everything I carry. Another part of me did not like this new part. It is afraid of changes within myself and of other parts taking over. It was worried about having to 'share' with this other part. It didn't want more parts coming in and making things feel crowded inside. It also shared even not liking Self being around and that it feels uncomfortable because it's new and different. It's so bizarre connecting with feelings like this, I had no idea. Experiencing those feelings though and really connecting with them was an eye opener. No wonder things seem to take so long to change; there is a genuine fear and a real need to be given the time to get used to things becoming different within myself than they have been for decades. It is shocking how disconnected I was/am (?), to the point of being completely unaware of these feelings.

I can kind of see what how things will be different inside myself as I keep doing the work. One part of me is okay with this, and welcomes it. To this scared part it feels alien and frightening, and even the smallest of steps towards that is a tough adjustment.

I am feeling a lot of grief today that I have pretty much locked away most of the time. I hate the pain and wish I could go back in time to change the past and avoid the loss, or at least, this version of this loss of my mother. I want to change things so badly. It is hard to accept the past and the things that went wrong. Things that with my current insights and perspective I would handle very differently.

[Armee]

Gentle hugs for the grief you are feeling today. 

It is shocking how disconnected I was/am (?), to the point of being completely unaware of these feelings.

Yeah. I agree.   

[sanmagic7]

hasn't that been an ongoing question?  how would we do things differently back then if we knew what we know now?  i've always had problems with that one.  it is very difficult to accept what was, how we'd make different choices and behaviors if only . . . 

that's a tough one, owl. so very sorry for the pain you're feeling as you go thru all this.   sending love and a hug filled with the possibility of acceptance.   

[rainydiary]

Owl, I appreciate this reflection from you.  It touched on things I feel in my life and appreciate the chance to see how you explain your experience. 

I often notice in myself surprise at emotions that come up associated with memories of things I hadn't thought of in years.  Not even memories of big events, often interactions that seemed insignificant at the time and yet carried impact for me to explore later. 

I wonder if I needed the time to gain experience and vocabulary and tools to help me manage before being ready to feel all these things.  And when I finally do feel them, grief comes. 

I am thinking of you.

[BeeKeeper]

Hi Owl,

This immediately got my attention:

The only thing I know about it is that it wants to be free from everything I carry

Wow! You just validated something for me which has been gaining ground and attention for the last year. I can understand your feelings of being "crowded inside", I feel the same at times and find it difficult to find rest and peace.

I like your observations about the ever changing internal family as you work through things and your feelings about acceptance and welcome but also fear. You're right, it is a tough adjustment.

You've written a very clear post about your new discoveries that I can use to make sense of my own. Thanks for that effort. 

[owl25]

Armee, thank you for the hugs.

san, thank you. 

rainy, I am glad my thoughts are helpful to you.  I think we often aren't ready for things until other things are established first.

BeeKeeper, I am glad my post helped you gain some insight into your own experience.

---

I have been away for a while, took a break from everything for a little bit. I haven't done any IFS, but am starting up with it again. A part of me is hoping to make a lot of progress with it, another part feels pessimistic and thinks I won't get far, because there are always so many blocks that come up. Self is eternally patient and not worried one bit about this. I have an impatient part that wishes it was easier and progress could be made faster. It's hard to accept that it's a slow process.

[sanmagic7]

glad to see you're back, owl.  it sounds like you're dealing with quite a bit of conflict among your parts.  it sounds tiring to me as well as amazing how we can see and feel one perspective here, another there, and the struggle that may ensue because of such a dynamic.  i have no doubt you and your parts will be able to come to terms, make mutual decisions, support each other down the road.  i give you a lot of credit for forging ahead, being open to emdr (it works wonders for me as far as moving forward) and continuing to work on what you believe is best for you.  sending love and a hug filled with hope.

[Armee]

 

I'm glad you're back.

[Not Alone]

Welcome back. The slowness of the process can be hard for me too.

[owl25]

Thank you san, armee, and not alone. 

---

Feeling very sad and discouraged today. I had a session today and it took a lot out of me. I felt a lot of pain and anger that I carry, and at the same time there didn't feel like there was a way out or away from it all. Feeling it and acknowledging it didn't bring any relief. Part of me feels trapped in the past because these feelings are from the past. This part is very angry and also does not want to allow for any changes through IFS. Doesn't trust me and won't make room for Self. It just wants peace and to ignore the past like it didn't happen. Except it doesn't work that way, other parts carry the past and they don't just go away. This part feels resentful about all of it, another reason why it's blocking me on doing any kind of work. It just feels kind of hopeless to me that I'll ever get anywhere, there's always a part of me that undermines any efforts, because it's not allowing it.

Today wiped me out and I'm sad, angry, frustrated, and don't know what to even do anymore.

[rainydiary]

Owl, your post resonates with me so much.  I am thinking of you as you navigate this as I am here walking this path too. 

[Armee]

I feel the way you describe quite often. Especially about knowing the feelings are from the past and feeling frustrated about that. I bet you'll figure out what these parts are needing soon ..