Accepting Myself

[Armee]

You're doing awesome Blueberry! I've seen how you've done these difficult acts of standing up for yourself and are recovering each time more quickly. It's super inspiring to see you facing this over and over and standing up stronger each time. I'm proud for you.

That's a tricky question...whether to avoid someone after standing up for yourself, depending of course on how they treat you.

How are furbabies?
.

[Blueberry]

As difficult as it has been for you lately, that you did laundry, sent the bill and sent emails, is really quite amazing. Yea for you.

Thank you for writing that because it's quite a struggle atm accepting myself the way I am, which feels as if I'm doing more or less nothing.
And thank you too Armee for saying I'm recovering faster these days after sticking up for myself.

I realised today that I miss no-longer-friend no. 1 (who sent me an email response yesterday) BUT otoh I still don't like how she acts towards me. She wrote she doesn't hold grudges against people so she'll always hold the door open for me, so to speak. I suppose if I dig a little deeper and allow my feelings to come up, I'll feel some anger. To me it sounds like she doesn't see anything wrong with any of her behaviour towards me so she's not going to change but when I get over my bad mood, I can go back. I feel like a sulky child who'll be welcomed back in the family circle when I get over it all rather than either a child or an adult with an actual complaint about how somebody is treating me. No-longer-friend no. 1 hasn't apologised for anything or offered to look at anything or change. It's more like now she realises I mean business, she's using the old donkey-and-carrot trick to attempt to protract the discussion. She had been going to respond to an email from back in the summer but it was so difficult for her that she hasn't managed yet (she would much prefer to talk but I've vetoed that) but now she realises there's no point.

Yeah well, I wrote that as far as I could see the friendship was at an end.  I feel all confused. I also feel as if I've 'lost'. Trying to stick up for myself I lost the whole friendship and now see the whole long litany of friendships/relationships I lose when I stand up for myself, so it's hard not to hear those ICr voices of: "You really are a difficult person. We all get on with everybody else, we all have friends, there must be something wrong with you." What if my T is wrong? He doesn't see me in company with others?

I have stood up for myself but what if in doing so I lost way more than I gained?
What if how I choose to act is all down to cptsd and when I get healthier I'll see where all I went wrong and know I'm at fault?
Just rants in my head atm.

_________________
Armee, I know that my  FurBabies have settled in well. Thank you for saying that my having put them in care means I'm a good mamma to them. You're right, it was a good and caring thing to do for them.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

i hear you about losing friends, etc., when you stand up for yourself.  that happened to me with who i thought was my best friend of 20 years.  long story short, i'd asked for an apology from her, she told me if that's what i was waiting for i'd be waiting a long time.  it took more than 2 yrs. before she reached out to me again, but in that time i looked at the friendship more closely, acknowledged to myself how i'd been treated, and told her i was done.

what did i lose?  i lost misplaced trust, betrayal, verbal abuse, stress and tension, neg. attitude toward me, her envy of me - a whole host of things i am better off without.  i think we've let people into our lives who weren't really on our side, who used and manipulated us, and brought negativity into our lives because of what we've been used to from our past.  standing up for ourselves eliminates all that, paves the way for healthier boundaries, strength of self, and self-knowledge.  i think you've been brave in this, blueberry.  i echo armee - i'm proud of you.

i also agree you've shown strength and courage in getting yourself from one day to the next.  keep up the good work, ok?  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Hey blueberry-

Even when we cut off relationships due to choosing not to be with people who are toxic to us, it's still a loss of some kind. It's also okay to grieve that and the lost potential friendship. From what I've read, it's definitely their loss, especially since they're not willing to even ask themselves "what if I'm wrong?". And not everyone gets along with everybody else. I resonated with this because it's only recently that I realized my need to be the "one everyone liked" at work was a fawning response. gentle hugs if you want them and good on ya for setting those boundaries!

[Blueberry]

Thank you for reminding me that even the loss of toxic relationships is a loss of sorts and also reminding me of the need to grieve, CactusFlower. I suppose I need to be able to give myself permission to grieve, permission to take time to grieve instead of running away from my feelings. I've given n-l-f no.1 enough chances to decide to treat me otherwise but she's unwilling, incapable or something. And despite what I've written, she still doesn't get that I don't want any help outside of a friendship.

I even feel that the loss of FOO is a loss. Of course it's a gain too. But still this loss of family connection, loss of all sorts of people with whom I didn't actually have a problem until they decided they had to be loyal to enablers and abusers and undoubtedly younger parts of me simply feel loss of family members and also how scary it is to move forwards alone, especially having been brought up to not do that, brought up to feel anything but empowered. It's hard for me to throw all that off atm and move forwards.

However, instead of reinstating my Journal entitled 'Moving Forwards', I'm consciously sticking to this one entitled 'Accepting Myself' because that's a relatively new thing which needs practice. When it's easier for me, then I imagine I'll be moving forwards again.

I'd love some  CactusFlower

[Not Alone]

However, instead of reinstating my Journal entitled 'Moving Forwards', I'm consciously sticking to this one entitled 'Accepting Myself' because that's a relatively new thing which needs practice. When it's easier for me, then I imagine I'll be moving forwards again.

In my journey, there are times of steep mountain climbing, times of having to back-track, times of falling into a crevice, times when I'm trapped in the mud and times when I'm sitting on a rock resting (for me with Jesus nearby). All of those are valuable parts of my journey. Even when it may not seem like it, I believe that all together those add up to forward motion. "Accepting yourself" and allowing yourself to grieve, may not feel like you are moving, but I believe those are significant parts of your "moving forwards."

[Armee]

When it's easier for me, then I imagine I'll be moving forwards again.

I agree with Not Alone who said this much more eloquently...but here's my version too:

I see this as moving forwards, Blueberry - very much so! Honoring your need to recover from these difficult tasks of shedding hurtful people from your life in spite of the loss and grief...that is strength and progress in my book! It doesn't seem like standing still to me, and definitely not moving backward!

I think it's OK to "not do" things for awhile. I think it is forward progress, not backward progress that you are exploring inpatient treatment to do further healing work.

I hold a lot of hope and confidence that positive relationships will fill the void left by these toxic ones you have bravely ended.

[rainydiary]

Thank you for all the reflections and questions you are sharing.  I resonate with the feelings of loss even of hurtful things.  I hope that you find what is useful for you to carry forward and leave behind what isn't.

[Blueberry]

I'm kind of tired and have a headache but in spite of that I've been doing a lot better for 48 hours now. Pretty suddenly for no reason that I can pinpoint, things were suddenly easier. I presume that before they got better I was in some EF or other, which I hadn't even contemplated since I'd only just left another EF behind me. But I do know and had forgotten that I sometimes have multi-layered EFs that don't begin or end simultaneously.

Within those 48 hours I had another T appointment which was useful. I might write more about it in a day or two.

[Armee]

If it's helpful? You came out of the first EF strong and wrote some more difficult communications standing up for yourself. After that you felt strong but I've noticed too that following the feelings of strength, writing those types of communications often result in EFs. It seems that this one was pretty short lived!!!! 

I was going to write: If I am off,base, ignore me....but you could ignore or you could stand up to me too, if that is helpful. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you, Armee, your reminder and your ideas are very helpful! 
You're right too, this EF was quite short-lived

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i think all that you're doing lately is so courageous, the losses you're enduring, finding a way to accept yourself for who and where you are (even if it's a struggle at times).  i don't see anything you've written as 'nothing'.  there's quite a bit of 'something' in these posts.  i'm sure you'd notice it if someone else were writing the same thing.  i hope you can be kind and gentle with yourself while you keep moving forward and/or while you're in the grieving process.  keep taking care of you, ok? as best you can.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you san, reading back to about Jan. 10th, I do notice progress. It's just always hard when I spend a few days or longer struggling with the most basic of self-care activities like taking my meds and having a shower more frequently than once every 2 weeks as well as struggling with other very basic stuff like getting out of bed 'sometime' which turns into 3pm. But yeah, learning to accept myself includes accepting the degree to which I get thrown off-course by EFs.

Big thanks to all who have commented since about Jan. 9th or 10th. I really appreciate all you had to say and what you were all reminding me.     I also have the feeling from what I've been reading on here in the last few days that there is a lot of work going on rn with a whole lot of people on the forum!   Sending    for all who need it atm.

I'm a little short of time and energy, but for a good reason. Just found out a few days ago that I'm interpreting on Monday, which is hard work for me. I need to take it easy on the weekend before, as well as prepare. I have managed to not prepare much so far, although come to think of it I have been eating well again - e.g. lots fibre and vitamins instead of the stuff I tend to eat when EFy - and drinking more fluid and non-caffeine to help my brain perform well. I haven't started on terminology yet though and that kind of stuff.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the hugs, blueberry.  much appreciated.

i hope you are able to rest up before your translating gig, and that it goes smoothly.  ever onward, right?  love and hugs to you

[Not Alone]

Thank you for the hug.