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This is so intriguing. Have you read any further in the book?

Does anyone else experience the recluse? You want so badly to go out and enjoy the company of others; you get invitations do to things with others, maybe see a movie, go shopping, catch a pint at the pub, but it seems like the most difficult thing to do; to do anything. It's not just a lack of motivation; you have motivation to go experience life, but for some reason, it seems as though this unnatural force is holding you back, caged. You convince yourself you can't go; you come up with excuses because it's unexplainable and embarrassing, and because you of course feel as though you have to explain everything. "Intellectualization" probably something most of us with CPTSD know all too well. We understand why and solve the puzzle so we feel better about it. It somehow alleviates the stress, and I know I convince myself that it alleviates the pain (which it of course doesn't) even though it was a crap puzzle to begin with. I just want to do things without being whatever it is I'm being. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to see people. It's confusing and contradictory. I miss out on playing in some pretty fantastic venues with bands I know because I can't go.

Thanks guys, I guess you're right. My state of emotional numbness may be a flashback in itself. I sometimes feel as though I've been caught too in the middle of a conversation. That whomever I'm talking to knows my mind just fled the premises and returned not fully obtaining every detail. I start to feel extreme guilty, like there's a spotlight on me, and I'm being interrogated. The person's eyes usually catch me off guard when I tune back in, and it's sometimes (mostly) difficult to keep contact with anyone. I feel like I'm being pushed up against a wall, and I have to look down or be distracted to not draw attention to myself. My mom didn't handle eye contact well though. My father and I both agreed that she gets this look when all sanity is gone and there's nothing but pure fury. She looks like a stray dog, the one you aren't supposed to challenge with a stare, because he has that look, like he's going to bite.

Back to the zoning thing. I sometimes hear, but do not process the words that were spoken to me until a few moments later. It's almost as if I have to mentally repeat them to myself to comprehend what was just stated. I usually can recall the words, but not the meaning until later. It's weird. I usually have a million thoughts bobbling around in my mind at any given time anyways.

You deserve someone who will support you through this. If he can not handle it, do not try to force it. It could end up hurting much worse in the end. I dealt with something similar a few years back, and now, I realize I should have let him go. It was difficult, I needed him (I needed to be loved), and he was just a normal 20 year old boy when we met. It was disastrous to say the least. My current boyfriend, is amazing and patient. He's been slowly but surely calming me and making me feel at home. So, there are people out there who haven't had your experiences who will appreciate you and cherish you.

So, I'm curious if this is an emotional flashback. I'll be in the middle of a conversation, something will trigger me into something that happened/ was said, and I'm gone in that flashback, but as soon as something draws my attention back to the real world, I'm just emotionally numb and completely disinterested in the subject at hand. 

Welcome, I hope this board helps you find some of the answers you need. You've been through a lot, and it seems as though your stress is continual. This site is wonderful, and you will be amazed to find others who have the same thought processes. The detachment clearly sounds like a defense mechanism, which has helped you come this far; now, it's time to be you, and love yourself. You'll get through it.

Cheers

Rain, you're right. My father has his own healing;however, I can't put myself back into another battle that's not mine. Today I found a new trigger, and I did as you guys said, I stopped, took a deep breath, and reminded myself that I'm safe, that the pain isn't bring caused by something that I'm currently experiencing, and to enjoy my surroundings and what I'm currently doing.

It's hard to explain to non CPTSD parties that everyday is tough in it's own way. There's new round triggers, some debilitating, some that are more easily overcome. One thing I had always done that was counterproductive was suppressing my emotions, fears, and happiness.

I'm going to buy that book, and I've been reading his articles online. I'm excited to have hope my partner is being very supportive as well and extremely encouraging

Thanks rain! My dad lived hundreds of miles away when I was growing up, but he saw the woman pull a knife out on him, in front of a good friend of his as well. I just don't know how to handle or understand him most days. He knows I went through *. Sometimes, he cries about how he should have gotten me away from them when I was young. I know he holds guilt and shame, but I can't be okay over night, especially without therapy. This forum has helped tremendously already, and I'm so surprised that I've been on here everyday. I lose interest in things quickly, but I'm not discouraged from this site.

Hey guys! I am still with you. I took the term as a compliment and appreciate it There is no need to apologize. I am going to try to find a therapist. I tried to find local cptsd groups, but it's as though cptsd isn't acknowledged.

My father bought some CDs for me. Midwest center cognitive therapy for rapid thought. I'm going to try that out as well. My dad doesn't really get it unfortunately. Yesterday he said I was acting like my mother after I asked him to please stop telling me I have to do thing all the time like major life changes. I told him I'm okay with not having a burning platform and it was just bad. When I try to tell him I need time on something he calls me a lazy procrastinator and if I'm upset by it, he calls me my mother. He even told me "okay so your mom was mean to you, big deal". He's in therapy right now for rapid thought and I know he doesn't mean harm, but this is gonna be a tough one.

Thanks guys thanks for the responses. I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I don't think anyone can say what triggers another person, what really messes with their psyche and well being. I hope you are doing better now.

Rain, I think I will get that book. I need to relax and not try to solve everything instantly. That was one of those overwhelming, spastic times when I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle being awake by myself. I'm so thankful that I have found this forum. It's nothing short of a miracle. I've been in an overall good mood all day, and I haven't thought about finding a fire to put out. I'm physically exhausted from lack of sleep, but on the inside I'm dancing to a Jackson 5 song.

I know I'm not healed since yesterday, but I'm in recovery. It's going to be a roller coaster, but thank you for being there!

Thank you Schrodinger. I read this early this morning, and I'm already changing my approach. I let my partner know that I've started posting in a CPTSD forum, and I saw some light return. I'm just so relieved to find that my thought process is shared by others. I can not allow previous physical and psychological abuse damage the ones I love; I'm ending the cycle. I've broken away from it physically, and now I will begin to separate it psychologically and emotionally. He doesn't have to say it, but I realized that I had been draining him; I was basing my confidence and happiness solely off of his actions. I'm already thinking differently since I know I'm not alone, that I'm not the only person who experiences these specific rippling effects. He wants to see me happy, and he tries very hard in many ways, but I become confused and overwhelmed, and it seems as though all his efforts are futile. I'm excited about taking these steps; I get to just be me, and figure out exactly who that is, and I get to experience a bunch of firsts as an adult. Now, who gets to experience that kind of child like awe and amazement later on in life? It's going that quenching rain after a life-long drought. You guys are amazing.

Thanks for the response. I needed to have someone respond who can empathize. I am still young. I left that house 6 years ago, and I've never been back. I'll be 24 in a couple of months now. I've just now started feeling like me again, and I can't function mentally. I've been becoming more stable throughout the years, trying to find guidance, but unfortunately I do not have the means to afford a therapist. I keep feeling like I'm getting close to "home", and then realize that I don't know what that word means. Like you said: you don't know how you should be treated, what your expectations should be, or what flavor ice cream you want. I have a boyfriend I've managed to keep for a few months shy of 3 years, and we have total opposite upbringings. He was extremely privileged, expensive schools, european vacations, etc., and we have nothing in common other than a love for music, and he had the purest heart, but he can't be what I need him to be right now (he's tired constantly and I'm receiving no physical affection) and I have to be okay with me and not depend on his affirmation.

I'm naturally intelligent, so intellectualization was another easy DM for me to utilize. I agree that she has a PD; I had to drop Psychology as my major because I was going to constantly try to figure out the diagnosis. It could be borderline, antisocial, narcissism, or maybe a combination? I still have no idea how or why I didn't fall into it. How did I not just go along with it since it was the only comfort I knew? I mean, she told me constantly that my dad abused her while they were together, which I believed when I was very young, but deduced that it was just a manipulative lie. I used to protect her. I was afraid to leave for so many years because I was convinced; I knew, that she would kill herself and possibly take my father out with her.

Now that I'm not longer guzzling liters of liquor constantly, I've found myself without people. I have a few friends, but I can count on one hand how many I trust. My story isn't something most people could handle hearing or even believe. Women my age aren't exactly the most friendly, grounded individuals. Music has been my only form of therapy. I write, a lot. I'm actually pretty talented, about 4 years ago, I learned I have a decent singing voice, and that's how I've been connecting. People are excited to talk to me after a performance. They give compliments which I still haven't figured out hoe to respond to. (I usually look away when I say thank you) it just feels weird to be doted upon in such a manor. It makes me feel like there might be another purpose for me (not meaning destiny wise but other than to protect my mother and stay alive).

How effective is medication for CPTSD? And thanks for the link. I'm definitely going to check out that site.

This is crazy. Other people feel the emptiness? The inability to make a decision that isn't based around 20 methodical steps in order to prevent more abuse? My whole life I've hidden, and now I feel like an empty shell, a hollow body. I had a purpose as a peacemaker, a protector, a scared little girl. I'm leaning who I am now. I'm developing. I'm learning of my own talents and abilities, but I don't know what I want. Usually, it's because I've not experienced much outside of the chaos. How do you guys deal with a partner? Mine has been with me for a little shy of 3 years, and Idk how to get him to hold me when I need it or understand that I'm a physically needy person? I have to have hugs, and kisses, cuddles, etc., he's working a new job and is out of shape, so his tired all of the time and shows no affection now. I don't know how to explain that it's the most important thing to me, and all he says is that I'm not listening to him. He said he's tired. He and I have had this conversation since before this job too. It's been an ongoing thing for a little shy of a year. Any suggestions?

So, as all of you clearly know, there comes a point in time where you need to connect with other people, and the intensity of just doing your day to day routine (which you still don't know how to manage) becomes too much to handle. I can't do this on my own anymore, and I need help. I grew up in a very violent, psychologically and physically abusive environment. My first memory is of my mother slamming my grandmother's head onto our kitchen table and the horrible sound of pain she let out as she held her wounded face. I was three years old. My mother and her parents raised me, all insane people, pulling guns out on one another, dragging people around by their hair, using religion as a manipulative tool to justify their insanity. i saw my mother put a loaded gun in her mouth, threatening to kill herself (usually with me to blame) on several occasions. As an 8 year old girl, I would take the billets out of her gun and hide them. I've been punched, slapped, spit on, clawed, degraded, threatened, tormented, caged, forced to say racist slurs, and somehow I'm alive. Oh, I forgot to mention my mother's pill addiction, narcissism,paranoia, prejudice against religions, sexual orientation, skin color, ethnicity, etc, she refused to let me see my father growing up, listening on the landline during each conversation, she made me tell my dad I didn't want to see him, and I of course obeyed; he had no idea until I told him about one particular fight that made me realize I had no other alternative but to leave for my own survival. I was a few months shy of turning 18 at this point. My mother also visited a serial killer for years to get info to write a "book" so she could make a "movie" and be on the red carpet. My dad bought me a car when I was 16. He was afraid my mom would take it as her own so he put it in my grandfather's name, who then sold it; my mom and her dad both like narcotics. So, my only means of escape was sold out from underneath me. I wasn't allowed to do anything growing up. I lived in a poor neighborhood where most people were too afraid to call the cops on my family (my cousin was the sheriff, my grandfather a co, and my uncle a retired homicide detective who actually caught the serial killer my mother visited for 4 or 5 years until she attended his execution), not only because of our ties, but most were doing illegal drugs and other illegal things. My mother threatened to kill herself if I left her side (for any reason), or if I rode on a roller coaster, if I wanted to see my dad, see a movie, hang out with any friend. I had a boyfriend that she didn't know about (for obvious reasons) and I told her. She immediately accused me if being whore and destroyed everything in the house, hit me of course, cried and screamed that she was going to kill him and she couldn't go to jail. All the while, she was constantly moving. When she would sit she would rock back and forth, arms around her stomach, just screaming and acting like she was going to jail, because she was actually going to kill him. I thought she would lose it eventually, she'd finally snap and shoot someone, maybe even herself. My grandfather ended up pulling a gun on her andy grandmother, saying he was about to kill us all then shoot himself. I was in the next room listening (she had been pulled off of me, and I was then told to stay), waiting for the first shot. No one died. My mother blamed me, "look what you did, over a f***ing *******) she made me sleep in her room that night. She would spring up screaming for minutes on end and shouting about killing him and herself and going to jail, destroying more things that had yet to have been broken. After I eventually got out of that mess. My dad tried to help me cope with my past by having me get a job and go to church. I never saw a therapist. He did what he thought was right. He doesn't get it. I made a lot of bad decisions that led to a lot of alcohol, bad boyfriends, and a rape which led to a pregnancy and secret abortion) so.. I'm f***ed for life. I hated myself to begin with, and a fee years ago, I killed a life; if there's a * .. I must be in it. I don't know how to function. I have the double life of normal human by day and psychological time bomb by night. I've hidden pain all my life. It's oddly natural.