Feeling sorry for ageing Narc mum

[holidayay]

My mum is an awful being. I don't think I need to explain the atrocities of narcissistic parenting here, I imagine most of us are well-versed in all the ins and outs of it.

But....she's getting older now. Well, she's 60. But she has always been overweight and led a pretty unhealthy life and approx 2 years ago, I heard she had a heart attack. Apparently since then, she has started to go blind in one eye due to ignoring advice about diabetes for many years.
I am far away and no contact, after I broke down trying to handle her and my many siblings' many issues, one of whom is bipolar and who nobody in the family does anything about when she is in her manic phases. I was the 'saviour', who always stepped in until I couldn't do it anymore, as every time I get involved with trying to help, the whole family barge their way back into my life obnoxiously and viciously. I am a doctor and to a family of narcs, they seem to see me as a giant treasure trove of endless resources - money, time, emotional labour, listening to their manipulation and emotional nonsense and looking after their kids because they severely dislike having children.
I could go on and on.
The main point is, I cut them off as I buckled under the enormous amount of toxicity.

But...I can't switch off my empathy, even when I get angry and pretend I do not care. I DO care. I care a great deal! I just don't want to care under THEIR terms which they will ram down my throat if I dare to get involved again.

I worry about her health. I worry that she will suffer and the thought of her going blind makes my heart break. She would really enjoy knowing this, she would pull out all the tragic, eternal-victim game for all it was worth once she spots empathy: it would spill over onto how horrible her marriage was, how horrible having children is/was, how no-one ever gave her her just recognition and then onto the religious delusions of being God's special chosen person and on and on and on. I have calmly told her many times that I respect she has her beliefs but they are not mine and can she not tell me all her dark beliefs (she believes in her very own distorted version of religion). She doesn't seem to understand that other people having their rights is a thing.

But even though I've cut them all out, I worry! I have moments of panic and terror where I imagine she has had another heart attack and passed away (she refused to have the surgical treatment the previous time) and nobody is able to tell me because they are blocked and/or do not know my new number/address.
Will I regret it for the rest of my life?

People uneducated in narcissistic abuse love to say 'you will regret it forever more' or 'my so-and-so passed away, what I would give for a minute with them now...' - well sorry but in my case, its what I would give NOT to spend a minute in my mother's company.

During these moments of panic, I rapidly re-activate facebook, imagining the worst, and that my family have used flying monkeys to contact me (facebook messaging services stay active even after i de-activate my account so I would still receive a message once i re-activate). I imagine the horrible red notification symbol with the title of 'mum's dead'. And it fills me with terror. I guess there is still a part of me longing for a cure, longing for her to be 'fixed' so she can love me and i can love her back, the healthy, unconditional way (which will never happen).

What do I do? I've tried very limited, rare contact (once every 3 months, calling from a withheld number) but even then, within minutes, she is trying to lure me back in and crosses all kinds of boundaries and leaves me traumatised, angry and depleted. She KNOWS whenever I am trying to do anything to make things healthy and wants to sabotage it. I once tried to solve her many problems/complaints - one of them being how lonely it is, how awful it is to be away from her home country and how she has no-one and on and on and on - I found a drop-in centre for women of her faith and who speak her mother tongue and of her background and she turned to me and viciously said 'i know what you are trying to do, i WON'T let you 'fix' me' with a smirk on her face. SO STOP COMPLAINING THEN! She LOVES things the way they are even though she claims to be the world's biggest victim.

Its strange in my mind, I am so conditioned to it, that to this day, I can't view her objectively. In  my mind, she has the most awful pain ever, she is the most victimised person, whose suffering surpasses anybody else's and who is so tragic....

(I'm not looking for advice here btw - I have therapy appointments set up - just wanted a space to vent and be heard).

[Not Alone]

I have read and heard what you wrote. You have a very good understanding of what your mother is like as well as what boundaries are healthy for you. And I hear that it is really hard.

[Kizzie]

Very difficult as many of us know. One solace I turn to when I struggle with this same issue (protecting myself vs compassion), is that of all the losses I suffered I did not lose my humanity.

 

[Bach]

Very difficult as many of us know. One solace I turn to when I struggle with this same issue (protecting myself vs compassion), is that of all the losses I suffered I did not lose my humanity.

This is very well said, Kizzie.  Compassion requires management, but it is a strength, not a weakness.

[Rainstorm11]

I hear you. I appreciate your journey has and is difficult.

[dollyvee]

I know this is an old post, but wanted to say I hear you too and have the same struggle. Although, I think my grandmother hides her antagonism and is a much more subverted passive-aggressiveness but she is the same victim who doesn't take care of herself no matter how much her health deteriorates and I can't help but to have empathy and care.

I understand that I have to take care of my self, but usually the guilt gets me every time. I guess because I can't see the vindictiveness and she's just much more of a victim? But yet she's also the one who disregarded my wishes about having my severely NPD mother at my graduation, or who is always behind the scenes manipulating things in ppl's best interests (it was me who got your grandfather to do this etc).

Breaking that conditioning to be a helper/empathetic to someone who told you they loved you their whole life and that they would do anything for you (except take care of themselves really) is such a difficult thing to do.