A two way mirror

[Tee]

My whole life I have had to put on a good show outside of my home. My M would expect me to to care for little brother who was only two years younger. I was the scape goat and am still trying to process that. Why everything was always my fault, and nothing I did was ever good enough?

I'm a master of the two way mirror making it look good on the out side.  I'm really starting to struggle though when it comes to dealing with and interacting with my M. 

I have come to believe that she falls squarely in the category B of personality disorders.  However she believes she is perfect and will never see it differently.  The world sees her shiny perfect front, I even think my dad only sees that.  My husband and kids don't understand why I can't be around my M and don't really want them to be either?

I don't know how to move past the hole I am in. When the mirror shows her perfect. But I can see behind the shine.

[Not Alone]

The world sees her shiny perfect front,
When the mirror shows her perfect. But I can see behind the shine.

Tee,
My mother has passed away, but she also looked beautiful and friendly on the outside. I endured her craziness that was hidden to others. It must be incredibly difficult to interact with her and others' perceptions of her.

Also, welcome to OOTS. 

[Tee]

Thank you notalone. It's infuriating at times. I have majorly distanced myself from both of my parents and they haven't even asked why.  I'm not sure why that surprises me because I've always been invisible or abused. 

I just feel like I'm losing my mind because how can I be the only one who sees? I feel like I'm the problem.  I know that the junk I was conditioned with my whole life by my M. But it is so hard not to be blind be the shine and see the reflection of myself as the one that's messed up.

Trying to find a way through the endless looping of horror in my head.

[Healing Finally]

HI Tee 

It sounds to me that we both struggle with our FOO due to narcissistic patterns within the family.  My sister is 2 years younger than me and I've always had the message that I need to take care of her.

My Father was a wonderful man but my Mother has always been way too attached to my sister; which created a very sick situation with her being the golden child and me being the scapegoat.

I hate the endless looping of despair from my CPTSD, I so wish I could shake it.  Yes it is totally infuriating!!!   Knowing the truth and having others not see it is the plight of the scapegoat.  The mirror you speak of is a way to reflect the abuse from them back to you.   I'm glad to hear you've distanced yourself.

Glad you found this website. Wish I could be of more help.   

[Kizzie]

Hey Tee, I come from the same kind of abusive and neglectful background so I get what you're saying and empathize completely. My M, F (also an alcoholic) and B have NPD but we worked hard to look like the perfect family.  Mostly it was my M's handiwork that we all keep the image in place no matter what so I have the most difficulty with her.  Anyway, she was/is a covert or stealth N and they are really difficult for others to spot b/c they fly under the radar.  One way on the surface but their motives are what give them away.  E.g., my M is a gift giver, but it was always to get attention for herself ("D is such a loving, caring M").  Inside I would feel empty b/c a part of me knew the gift wasn't given to me out of love, it was all about convincing people she was the best M ever.  For decades I thought I was selfish, crazy even but that inner sense of starving in what looked like a sea of plenty never went away. 

Anyway, just wanted to affirm that you're NOT crazy. It's just that covert N's cloak themselves really well. They look like perfect mothers (or fathers or siblings), but when you take a closer look (and this is what most people don't do unfortunately), it becomes clear they have all the same characteristics and behaviours as overt N's.   

What helped me was to learn how to identify and talk about covert N behaviour & tactics. I  did this at our sister site Out of the Fog and it was enormously helpful - https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/.  Once you can name her behaviours it makes it much easier to talk about it with others, first here and at OOTF perhaps and then with others in your life.   

  You're not alone with this any more, we do get it.