being more aware

[tea-the-artist]

I had taken a little over a week break from the forum to collect myself and try to settle down and have fun. didn't focus too much on my readings/research.

but I think I'm making progress and now that I'm back I realized I have become a bit more aware of when I'm in an emotional flashback I've been aware during the beginning flashback only twice.

I can tell because it starts with a shaking feeling in my body, that translates quickly to me feeling small like a child. then come tears, holding my breath a lot to prevent sobbing from being heard. I think the two times I realized I was in a flashback, I could sort of see myself (not my child self) covering my face.

there was a time before, I could tell I was flashing back, and near the end I started to sooth myself and try to picture little tea in my arms as I hugged myself. I think that seemed to work.

but a couple days ago (on my birthday actually) I was flashing back and it felt very aggressive, I felt the same trembling, crying, trouble breathing due to holding in sobs, but I was visualizing myself screaming and stomping around. I couldn't get myself out of it, but I knew I was flashing back. I was telling myself "I feel like a child! I have to look at this like an adult."

I think that's progress yeah? just identifying flashbacks is another step. I want to practice more so that I'm able to ID it in the beginning more often when they happen. while I still live at home, stopping triggers will be near impossible, but with time I'm sure flashbacks will get less intense and shorter (especially after I'm able to move hopefully).

[Kizzie]

A belated but very  warm ....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU TEA!

          

Not exactly the way you wanted to spend it I know, so just wanted to send a bit of care and support your way because your birthday should matter.  I hope that next year's birthday and all of them afterwards are much happier.   

[Saule]

Definite progress! I've noticed myself becoming more aware in similar ways in the past year, and I try to acknowledge this because I think it's so important to congratulate ourselves for this intense work we do and the progress we're making along the way. It's so easy to feel like nothing is in improving, but there are so many seemingly small achievements that are in fact pretty massive I think!

I'm really happy for you.

[tea-the-artist]

thank you so much kizzie!

and I'm agreeing with you Saule, about congratulating small progresses like identifying EFs. it really is tough work. as a person who feels often embarrassed about praise for things I do for myself especially, I think it ought to become a habit. no matter how small the baby step to recovery is!

[Fightsong]

yeah Tea ...   HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

and YEAH TEA!  PROGRESS!  one little step by one little step...let yourself feel proud, and aware and own that progress. Did i hear you say you can see little Tea now ??

[tea-the-artist]

thank you Fightsong! last night was tough again and immediately i knew it was an EF about to blaze through. and that other day it wasn't actually little Tea that I saw, perhaps just myself or a person that felt like myself. I think i've only been able to see her once or twice so far but I know we're getting there!