Crash after massive therapy breakthrough?

[jennyjenny]

Hi everyone. 

I'm new here (but not new to CPTSD / working on it for 24 years now :/). I'm 45 and female, and I FINALLY just had a HUGE breakthrough in therapy last Friday - I had my first EF as a result of therapy that I was present for / aware / curious about EF's. (also if there is a place to properly write out my intro and what I've been doing / done for recovery please direct me?).     As a result of my T triggering me into an EF by being late due to being with another patient (this happens a lot - but she always goes over my time at the end- I am extremely triggered by anything 'cutting into MY time' in any area of life fyi)  - I chose to tell her what was happening inside of me and I was able to stay present THROUGH THE ENTIRE EF and allow her to comfort me and hold me (i was also able to tell her I just realized recenetly that no one had ever held me while I cried, and I was able to ask her to do that for me!) and I was able to state "That was an EF, right?" and I experienced MYSELF seeing her as a threat right after the EF and right after I observed I had allowed myself to feel vulnerable in front of her. And THAT was the biggest experience I can remember in a long time for me - I FINALLY SAW my CPTSD in action and I EXPERIENCED it lying to me - telling me the looks on her face were threatening when I KNEW THEY WERE NOT.

This was SO exciting for me! I felt a kind of internal connectedness I have not felt in a long time if ever?

At any rate - I then started reading through this website even more and ended up spending the entire weekend reading this website and others, more of pete walkers book, and just basically kind of 'obsessed' with 'learning more.' (to me = 'fixing this'. :/)

Now today, 4 days later, I do not feel so great anymore.

I'm curious if anyone can tell me this is a common experience? To feel GREAT after a big breakthrough and then sort of 'crash.' ?

I am a functioning business owner and most people just think I'm "interesting." I have been told more times than I can imagine " I would never know that happened to you, you seem so 'normal." even though my sense of humor is "unique."

Also - side note, I've never read so many people describe my inner exerience so accurately in my life. I have been in every kind of therapy I can imagine, 12 step groups for 13 years of various kinds, I mean I've tried SO MUCH and I am just really kind of ...... nourished in an odd way by the language so many of you use here to literally describe how my inner life feels, sounds, and looks. and  also, I have also really noticed the kind and loving language everyone uses here - it's AWESOME! <3 thank you all.

[Dee]

Welcome!

Usually I do crash after a breakthrough.  This is good for me in a way.  I become aware, then sad, then grieve.  For me I need to be sad; it is overdue.  I wonder if it is the same for you?  Without this process I can't move forward.  There is a lot to be sad about.

[Blueberry]

I'm curious if anyone can tell me this is a common experience? To feel GREAT after a big breakthrough and then sort of 'crash.' ?

Yes, this happens to me quite a lot.  So I tend to go up and down like a yo-yo.    welcome here! It sounds as if you made lots of progress!

Some intro can go in The Welcome Mat, but you don't have to write your whole story there or anything, just whatever you feel comfortable with at the beginning. Then post on whatever threads you think appropriate for your topics. Or you can of course start your own journal under Recovery Journals. See you around the forum!

[jennyjenny]

Thank you!  I ended up in another EF due to my T. today. She said she would call me after a certain time and it didn't happen and this EF was AWFUL.    But at least this time I KNOW that it's an EF.     

I ended up in an emergency appt with her (luckily it worked out!) and she said that it's to be expected, and that she thinks it's really great that the EF's are happening with her - so that I can finally be present with her and be honest and experience not being 'abandoned' for being honest. (that's another thing with me - expecting abandonment because I'm being honest - but also not willing to not be honest because it's so important to me to be honest and honor myself.)   

Ok I'm rambling - but I appreciate both of your responses very much.    and Yes, I've worked on myself SO HARD - but only recently did I actually start looking at Pete Walker's book and this site etc.   

I also just bought a weighted blanket because I read about it on here - and my T. said that I need one to regulate me somatically.  I hope it helps.

My Mother just passed away and no one told me she had cancer (I went NC with all siblings and mother 3 years ago after father's unexpected death).  I am so happy to finally be able to feel how awful these EF are - even though they are awful. I've worked so so so hard on myself. I'm exhausted.

Thank you both <3

[Blackbird]

Hey and welcome jenny

Yes, I agree it's perfectly natural. I crash too. Currently working with my T to be able not to crash, because I have Bipolar disorder as well and after the depression comes mania and it's * on earth to stabilize. I prefer to have just the terapeutic amount of medication :\

Yesterday we talked about how to approach one of my wounded parts of myself, this time a grown up who experienced a lot of abuse with the process of revictimization, and I crashed. But instead of crying, obsessing or becoming incrinsigly irritable, I went to sleep and slept all day after the appointment, then made dinner, watched some tv and slept for another 6 hours. lol... I did have dreams connected to what we talked about in therapy, but I'm not in an EF.

I think, once we start dealing better with it, the EFs diminish for us to be able to trully deal with it all. One thing that helped a lot was to remember that it's all over and we're on the present moment, maybe during all your therapies you went over mindfulness? It's really helpful for these situations.

Anyway, it's good that you're feeling something 

[jennyjenny]

Thank you Blackbird!

I understand. Also, I expect so much of myself to live a "normal" life - so if I choose to just sleep and watch tv , I will also feel like that is "crashing."    It was really helpful to have my T tell me that I should expect the crashes after a period of feeling connection to someone, due to a dopamine spike from the connection experience, and then since she is my T and not my "person" (day to day person / friend / SO etc) the crash from NOT having MORE of the connection again after a day or 2, she said was a dopamine crash (in addition to the the CPTSD 'crash' ), and that information REALLY helped.   I find, for myself, that just having INFORMATION to go back to (I call it a 'button' that I can use to go back to , a statement of fact that I hold to tell myself when I feel bad or confused and don't know what is happening - feelings tend to get me like that) is very helpful for me. So now, if I am able to tell myself "This is a crash. I know this is part of the process and a possibility that I will crash after working so hard in therapy."  it really helps.   I've been in therapy for so long. I can't believe it took the deaths of my parents and no one telling me my mother had cancer and her dying in order for my body to feel safe starting to feel.   I also know now that I have not been able to have a relationship with a man because of the EF I experience at the slightest experience of disappointment.  What a relief to stop blaming myself and instead UNDERSTAND that I actually took the best possible care of myself by avoiding abusive toxic relationships all of this time, and understanding that those kinds of relationships were the only option I had since I would not be able to tolerate the EF if I had even TRIED to date a 'healthy' man. etc.   Ok this is probably meant to go in another section? Sorry about the ramble. Thanks <3

[Blackbird]

That's interesting, about the dopamine crash. I didn't know that. We learn something every day 

[jennyjenny]

Yes right? It's been really helpful for me to understand on a hormonal level as well. I am able to say "I am having a dopamine crash" vs. all of the other things I would think / blame myself for instead - at least that is what I am hoping for next time it happens

[Blueberry]

Thanks for the information on dopamine crash, jenny. It's really interesting! Please don't apologise for 'rambling'. You were just explaining adequately. I often find while I'm explaining to you all on here that I finally understand even more about myself. Your post just the way you wrote it possibly in a rambly fashion was very useful to me, especially with your self-talk quote for quote.   

[jennyjenny]

Thank you Blueberry!

I really appreciate you commenting about my coming across clearly. My T. (and former T.'s) have all told me I am very clear and descriptive and explain things well - but I am literally just reconnecting to this now - my FOO ALL told me I didn't make sense. So now, I am used to constantly clarifying myself with "does that make sense?" almost after everything I say.

Wow. Now I learned something new here today! Thank you

And also, I find that giving myself preset statements to tell myself later REALLY helps.  (Like remembering to tell myself "I'm having a dopamine crash." etc).

I am loving this forum!!

[Blueberry]

I really appreciate you commenting about my coming across clearly. My T. (and former T.'s) have all told me I am very clear and descriptive and explain things well - but I am literally just reconnecting to this now - my FOO ALL told me I didn't make sense. So now, I am used to constantly clarifying myself with "does that make sense?" almost after everything I say.

It seems our FOOs tend to say things like we don't make sense, because if we did they would maybe have to listen to us and make some changes themselves. So it's easier to tell us we don't make sense / are irrational, stupid, illogical etc. I heard a lot of the latter.

[jennyjenny]

Yes Blueberry, I agree.    I am happy that I am finally (it seems very new) at a place where I actually am at peace with my siblings not taking responsibility for their behavior, and with them seeing me as crazy or dangerous or scary or whatever it is that they see me as.   I had no idea I felt like that until I just typed that       yay.   

I believe this is because of how long I have gone without talking to them, and the things I've done this year to take care of myself around them after my mother died. I behaved in a way that I really respect myself for.

There were so many opportunities for me to fly off the handle - and I didn't. I keep all communication 3rd party and short and all business, and I refused to allow anyone to make me feel bad or to trigger me into 'acting crazy.' (which for me means "telling the truth" - sometimes to people that really don't want to be involved, but have been told lies about the situation / me etc. or because I am not behaving exactly how these siblings decide i 'should' act etc) .

I did not communicate with them and I forget that because this CPTSD has me constantly living in the past on a loop in my brain, even when it's not conscious. Then my current relationships are affected and my past relationship dynamics are projected onto any current 'authority' figures I have in my life. 

It feels very difficult right now. But it's nice to at least recognize that small victory as well for myself .