Messages

Indigochild , thank you for your understanding, compassion and encouragement.  And Happy Birthday to you!   

Widdiful Falling thank you!  Happy Birthday to you too   

Perhaps we should start a "It's my Birthday" thread, we are a special kind of family here 

"It's my birthday" now up and running in the cafe! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!


 

Post birthday announcements, congratulations, and regards here! We deserve to be celebrated!!!

I know it's a really hard thing to do. I've been there myself. Best of luck to you, and many warm hugs. 

Thank you. I do feel much better. Re-reading my post, I feel a lot of compassion for myself. Bad days happen, and sometimes we all feel like sad sacks. I know that every mood, every feeling will pass. I would have killed myself long ago if I didn't.

I really, really appreciate your kindness and care from the bottom of my heart.

I hear what you're saying, Recovery. I also hate faking my way through being friendly. So I stopped. I said to myself, "Widdiful, enough is enough. People are going to enjoy the real you, or they are not going to be around you. As long as you're acting from a place of compassion, even if you hurt someone, it's okay. Accidents happen. You will learn."

I discovered that I actually am a rather friendly individual underneath it all. I genuinely take a deep interest in people. I feel closer to my friends than ever before, and they're around a lot more.

My advice is, do stop seeking, but don't isolate yourself. Friendships will form naturally if you simply talk to people. I think a lot of what gets in our way of truly knowing people is our expectation of them. If you go in with the goal of gaining a new friend, you're going to do what you can to further that goal, and that includes being fake-friendly (which, BTW, not to make you feel uncomfortable, but people like myself can smell that on a person from a mile away) if you think that's what it takes.

So go out there with the intention of getting to know people, not having those people fulfil a role in your life. Let go of your expectations. (Not your boundaries. Please don't confuse the two!) I think that you'll be a lot less lonely if you let go of your expectations of others, and let go of your expectations of yourself. It's hard, and it might feel like going backwards, but actually living up to expectations for a change feels really good. 

My M was using me as an emotional extension of herself.

I have been minimizing the abusive things my M did to me, and I have been in denial about a lot. More and more things are making sense, now.

I have many good qualities, and I am a loveable person.

I feel hopeful and helpful. I feel like I deserve to be taken care of by myself, and others. The good days are happening more frequently now that the sun is out, and I can take walks. My T plays no small part, and, of course, everyone here helps enormously. I'm very glad that I've decided to take this journey, and that you're all here to share it with me. 

My inner child was very disappointed that she didn't get to do something with mom. But I parented her, and soothed her, and we got through it. I'm going to go do something nice for myself today.

I think we should all take some time out to celebrate our parental achievements, whether they're toward ourselves or another. 

Trace, we do all have an inner child. The number of inner family members depends on the person in question, but personally, I have four. There's an inner mother, inner critic, inner child, and inner warrior. They are a tool for me to connect with my emotions, and what's going on inside. A cognitive way of thinking about them until I can trust myself to just feel them. They've been enormously helpful. I hope that helped.

If you're interested in learning more about NPD and the other cluster B personality disorders that turn parents into Narents, I would recommend Light's House. There are descriptions of each disorder, as well as examples of the ways they manifest themselves in real life. It's a very validating website, as it was written with the ACON in mind. Here's a link:

http://www.lightshouse.org/#axzz3ZpeiBI4Fu

Edit: I would feel bad plugging another site, and not mentioning our sister site Out of the FOG. It's also a good place to learn about PDs, but I think if you are new to the idea you should start with Light's because it's more concise and structured.

Thank you so much for the support, Jdog. It means a lot to me. I'm feeling a lot better after having slept, but I'm not quite 100% yet. Unfortunately, I've turned my mother's voice inward, and I abuse myself for her. Luckily, I don't have my M in my life anymore, to corroborate all of these things, but hearing them from myself is worse, if anything.

When I was trying to list loveable qualities I have, I kept running into a weird block. Like, there have been times when I haven't been patient with people's mistakes, so I am not patient with them at all. I thought that in order to have a good quality, I had to exhibit it 100% of the time, and never exhibit its opposite. I thought about it, though, and realized that that is black and white thinking. Really odd black and white thinking, too, because the contrapositive doesn't sound valid to me. I don't have to act poorly all the time to have poor qualities.

It sounds like bragging to me, but I can say that I'm proud of who I am, because I mostly do positive things.

Thank you for reminding me that it is my M's problem. I feel inappropriately responsible for the actions of others a lot. And thank you for giving me the courage to continue posting. It means a lot to me, and I can say the same to you. 

I'm sorry you guys have to go through that. You all deserve so much better. Not everyone is the partying type, but it feels good to celebrate being around for another year.

I have never really had a big party, but I try to do one nice thing just for myself on my birthday. It's my one selfish act that I don't feel bad about afterward. I do feel weird about being given gifts. Especially if I haven't gotten anything for the gift-giver. I feel like it's just one more thing they can hold over my head, and I'm tired of keeping track of that stuff.

Happy belated birthday, indigochild, and congratulations on making it another year!  It's hard, this living thing we're doing, and there are a lot of struggles, but it will be worth it in the end if you can say you've done one act of kindness. From your responses, you seem like a very empathetic, kind person, so I'm sure you help people all the time, even if you don't realize it. 

Recovery, that boundary you set sounds like a good one. You deserve to be shown kindness and respect. Congratulations on that. And happy belated birthday to you, too. I have no idea when it is, but I'm glad you made it another year. 

Bee, what a terrible thing to say to a child. Your M just invalidated any sort of self-esteem or friendship you held. That's an earth-shattering thing to say to a child. I can see how it would destroy your sense of trust, and instill a healthy dose of paranoia to boot. Happy belated birthday to you as well. It being on a holiday sounds to me like reason to celebrate more, not less.

Thank you all for being here, guys. It's really fantastic having you around. 

A random idea: if you guys feel bad doing something purely for yourself, why don't you volunteer at an interesting place that you like? You will be helping others and doing something nice for yourself at the same time.

I have decided to change my hair. I think it would look cool if it were lighter. I also think that maybe I can stop looking into mirrors and seeing my mother if I dye it.

I was so exhausted at work today, I almost couldn't move. I pushed myself too far past my limit. I knew my limit, and I did it anyway. I should have listened to my body when it said it was tired. Instead, I called it weak and kept going. It felt good while it lasted, I suppose, conquering my puny body. But now I am paying for it. I wish I could sleep. Instead, I sit here, with bags under my eyes, trying to keep the panic away. I wish I could just panic and get it over with. But my body automatically depersonalized me. I am very numb.

Today is one of the bad days I was telling my T about. When the depression hits me like a sack of stone, and I feel all hope is lost. I remember that other person I was, but it can't have been me. I was so full of hope, and energy, and life. Now I feel like I could lie down and die. I'm certainly not suicidal. I don't think I could muster that kind of energy. I'm just a sad sack.

I don't feel that I inherently deserve love. I feel I have to earn it. I had taken a little break from pushing myself, and I felt good, but also like I hadn't done enough. I accomplished more, though, than I do when I'm exhausted. Logically, it doesn't make any sense for me to push myself. But I don't feel like anything has gotten accomplished until I'm half-dead physically, and entirely dead emotionally. And now that I'm half-dead, it must mean I'm a pansy for being half-dead.

I'm going to eat something, and then go to sleep. I am probably exhausted enough to pass out by now.

Thank you. It's hard coming up with things like that during an EF.

I care a lot about everyone and everything around me. I provide good emotional support to my friends. I try not to pressure anyone into doing things they don't want to. I listen to everyone, as they all offer a unique perspective. I give thoughtful gifts. I am passionate about the things I love. I am patient with others when they make mistakes. I love to learn. I always seek to understand things. I want to change the world for the better.

I know I have all of these qualities, but it feels like I'm talking about someone else.

Well, I was finally mindful enough to catch an EF before I turned into a wreck. Here's what my mother has to say about me:

I post too much about myself. I don't communicate perfectly. I don't post enough. No one here thinks I actually care about them, and so they don't care about me. I don't deserve support or validation. Sharing my successes is akin to bragging. I must always have some ulterior motive. I'm not seeking validation, I'm an attention-seeker who makes things out to be worse than what they are. Drama queen. B*tch without a reason. Useless. I don't help others enough. How dare I ask impolitely for help. I must show utmost courtesy and gratitude toward everyone who tries to help. Otherwise, no one will help me. I must give them everything, even if it burns me out.

I've been burnt out for such a long time that I just learned to function around it.

This is a safe place, but I still want to hide.

Will someone please help me through this?

I had a second appointment the other day. I think it went well. We packed a lot of things in that session. My T seems impressed with my ability to feel one thing and do another. I guess having to hide and suppress my emotions helped that skill along.

She's still really validating, and she seems to be genuinely interested in what makes me tick. I haven't asked her about C-PTSD, but a diagnosis isn't really what I'm looking for, anyway.