Safety sensitive and keeping a safe distance.

Started by CreativeCat, April 05, 2021, 06:18:12 PM

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Hi all,

I haven't explored this board much before and I'm going to have a look after I've written this but I just wanted to post about my experience to make sense of what I'm thinking and feeling at the moment.

I've just had a bit of a revelation about how I've approached friendships over the years. I have lots of friends, some of who I've been friends with for over 20 years. I've never been that secure in their friendship and I've pretty much always felt (and put myself) on the outside.

After reading 'raising a secure child' ( which I would highly recommend for any parents reading this) I realise that I am 'safety sensitive' in relationships- this means I desperately  want to be close to people but I'm constantly on the look out for danger (i.e. being intruded upon, being abused and rejected). This sensitivity sets the scene and plays the background music to my life. In the book they call it shark music and suggest that when we notice it we can turn it down. Well I'm noticing it everywhere! 

I've realised that this is probably why I've always felt so on the outside as I've wanted to be close to friends but not too close that they might need me or overwhelm me. I'm constantly analysing whether I belong and whether I'm valued and liked. And also whether I like others.  I've also never wanted to end friendships because I want everyone to like me. As a result I have lots of people in my life who I don't feel very close to. This was fine in my 20s when my relationships revolved around partying but as I grown older and healthier I realise I want more from my relationships.

Over the past few years I'm beginning to learn to communicate my boundaries and show up more authentically, which has meant that I've not ended up  maintaining contact in some friendships. I've also moved about 2 hrs away from everyone I know. Part of me wants to try to forge closer bonds with the friends I already have and part of me thinks I should make new friends and have a fresh start. I guess in reality it might end up being a bit of both but right now I feel so lonely, lost and stuck. Covid really isn't helping and I feel like I'm in limbo between 2 worlds and two lives!

Thank you for reading this and hearing my experience- I just  wondered if this resonates with anyone else?