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My understanding is that a therapist cant make a diagnosis, only a psychiatrist can do that.

So for a therapist to suggest you might have a psychiatric illness is not right and proper.

I am a little cautious about therapists, I would encourage you not to put much weight in what you were told, it's not helpful to conjecture about things in this way.

You might find that your participation in the forum changes over time, I did.

I posted a lot initially, I think many people do. For me I was trying to get to grips with what I was experiencing and just making sense of many different symptoms.

Over time I dont need to visit the forum as much, I visit when I cant sleep to remind myself that others are in the same place.

I post about new symptoms and about potential insights I think I might have in my efforts to sort out what I am experiencing.

I would like to think I am mostly talked out now, I have posted about the main concerns already so I just try to respond helpfully if I can, just like people did for me when I first found this forum.

I suspect my early posts were repetitive as I was a bit obsessed with thinking about the same difficulties, but people are compassionate and helpful here so it didn't seem to be a problem.

I wouldn't try to reduce your visits and posts, just see if they reduce over time.

This is such a sad story James.

If I were you I would focus on the addiction as the culprit rather than blame yourself.

Thousands of people die from addiction every year.

I'm sure there are factors which were causative and/or made it worse, but it doesn't sound like that is on you at all.

Grief rather than blame is fitting to what happened. I'm not sure blame helps much, and certainly doesnt change anything.

It's so very sad.

Sorry to add to a post that is over long already.

Another thought.

We have all experienced a personal version of *, maybe recovery is simply reaching a place that is just 'not *'.

No need to strive for a magical place of joy unbounded, 'not *' is good enough for me.

By that definition I am doing great. Hurrah for me. Hurrah for all of us, we rock.

Thank you so much for these thoughtful replies.
The strength of this forum to me is around our common experience, if I post about a strange symptom or (as in this case) about some idea I am considering as a possible insight it is so helpful to hear from others who know exactly what I'm talking about.
I am quite far from 'normal' and am very isolated so being in touch with people who understand is pretty amazing really.
Thank you.
Maybe what I was talking about isnt just acceptance but is also a new template for how to carry on with minimal further distress.
The rules of normal life have sort of exploded in my face, I need my own new system of thought, a new framework.
Some of the new rules are to keep distress to a minimum, stay safe, dont over reach and fail, just to stabilise myself and my new place in the world.
Maybe that is recovery, maybe I've not thought enough about what recovery means.
I will not recover like I would from a minor physical injury or flu, the body tends to bring you back to the same condition you were in before those minor events.
A recovery for me will bring me to a place different from where I was initially, somewhere I've not been before, maybe I'm well on the way to this new place, hard to know as there is no map.
Recovery implies a return to a prior state, I think that is why I struggle with the word, there is no going back so recovery needs a new personal definition for me as an individual, it should mean something I can actually achieve or it is just another barrier and cause of distress.
SJ, breaking things down to what can be achieved seems like a vital approach to take.
Small successes accrue over time to bring larger benefit, just as repeated failure or trauma accrue over time to bring larger harm.

Can I ask for any comments on the following thought please?

In my situation trying to recover is actually a bit of a burden, I have well diagnosed issues and have not been helped much by talk therapies and various meds.

My psychiatric prognosis is that I will always be like I am now, my issues are substantial and of long standing.

Just getting along and minimising my distress is my goal, I think I gave up the idea of recovery a while back. But maybe that giving up is acceptance which is part of recovery?

I dont know what I'm saying here, maybe I'm asking if it is ok to aim low, forget about total success and just hope for mild improvements, or even just not getting any worse?

I'm not sure about posting this but are others quite impacted by the idea of fairness? I know I am. I try to be fair but life, the world and others do not.
Having suffered I dont want to cause any harm to others and am keen to try to behave fairly. It's almost like a weakness, I live according to rules only I know about. But when others break this rule I get very jaded.

Sorry if this is taking this thread over, that would be unfair of me.......

I find it hard to put the blame squarely where it belongs, too easy to blame myself as that is the narrative being put about.

Thanks jazzy, it was pretty bad.

Sorry you are having it happen again Kizzie, it's my left arm usually, it's more damaged and weak than my right as a result.

Actually, being right handed my left arm would be the shield arm leaving my dominant arm to defend myself so that sort of fits.

I'm profoundly messed up really, in big ways and in small ways, trauma reaches everywhere I think. I do think I can claim all this stuff as part of myself somehow, get a handle on it all so I can carry it, even if my arms aren't right........

Hi Hope,

I've had times my dreams have merged into waking life and I've not known what is real and what is dreamt.

Its distressing not to be sure, sorry you are going through this.

Thank you for all the replies.

I hadn't thought of wrist weights, that's something to look out for as it would probably work I guess. A genius level idea.

Kizzie, so helpful for me to know you used to have the same issue and it went away as you improved, I've had a very rough few years but things might improve in my life in a year or two so my subconscious might calm down.

Just knowing others have had it too helps a lot, I feel like such a weirdo with all my symptoms, no offence meant, I just do.

The trapped nerve has gone now thankfully, just soreness and weakness in the shoulders, not too bad now but the pain of the nerve was quite intense for a while there.

To be honest I spent much of one night moaning and rocking with the pain, it was bad and I have chronic pain so am used to a bit of suffering......oh well.

Could you make the dog park sessions shorter? Go at times when there are fewer people or when certain people who make you especially uncomfortable wont be there?

More frequent shorter sessions might be easier.

Take a newspaper, do the crossword and make the puzzle answers your topic of conversation, take a book, wear headphones and after an initial friendly wave and smile keep to yourself.

Or engage with your dog instead, do training such as recall and send as it's good to train this in a distracting environment such as around other dogs.

Being friendly but clearly occupied might reduce the social strain to bearable levels.

I cant imagine what a doctor could do, I could  fashion myself some restraint pyjamas I guess.

I've been  in a place of safety for the last 3 years and the sleep disturbance hasn't improved over time.

But thank you for the replies, being able to discuss it is helpful.

Thank you for the replies, had a really bad episode last night and the pain was intense, think it's a trapped nerve.

Not sure what to do, might try sleeping in a chair, might help?

My sleep is troubled, I hold my arms up to protect my head  most of the night. This has caused shoulder problems for me.

This last week I thought I might have heart trouble, I had pain and numbness in my left arm, back And chest.

Once I worked out it was actually damage caused by thrashing about in my sleep it was such a relief, I was expecting a heart attack.

It is odd to experience something as pretty alarming and then to not mind about it once you put it in its place. The pain isnt that bad, it was the anxiety as to what it might mean that was difficult.