Embarassment of being vulnerable

[Twinkletoes]

I sent my therapist my post "I hate it" (under Having a Bad Day) yesterday.  After writing it, I ended up crying my eyeballs  out in the loo at work.  I then had to hide in there for ages to try and de-redden my face which is pretty much impossible because it stays red and blotchy for ages after I cry. 

Anyway, at the time of sending it, I felt desperate, needy, vulnerable, weak and extremely sad.  However, I did say in the email that I didn't need/want a reply and I didn't even want to be made to feel better. Just wanted to say it out loud (well, write it) because otherwise I will "put it away" which I always tend to do.  I tend to bring my adult self to therapy and am very rarely vulnerable or emotional there.

She did reply, when I was in bed late last night and said she was hearing my sadness etc and that we would talk about it on Tuesday (tonight is therapy night) - now I just feel embarrassed and stupid for sending it because I'm not right there "in it" anymore... I hate that feeling.

[Three Roses]

Our feelings come and go. Personally I think it was a great idea to email your therapist how you felt, when you knew you would probably just "put it away".

We have been shamed for our feelings, and this is true if we were abused as children, or only as adults. By pressuring us to suppress our true emotions, the abuser has an easier time controlling his/her victim and keeping us quiet.

Good for you that you're not going to let that happen anymore!

[sanmagic7]

i could have sworn i responded to this post this morning, but it isn't here now.

anyway, i agree - i'm glad you sent the email and took a step toward being vulnerable.  you took a step toward being real, and that's what will help you make progress in all this.  i'm also glad your t was supportive and caring.  you sent that email for a reason, and i believe it's because you're more ready now than ever to get on with your process of exploring and ultimately healing. 

i also think that it was your 'smart' adult part rather than any stupid part of you that got you to do this.  we're not stupid, no matter what anyone has said.  you're smart enough to recognize that you've tended to put the vulnerable part of you away, and you took the chance to do something different.  good for you, my dear.

[Twinkletoes]

I was about to start a post pretty much identical to this one... I am in that same place again.

I feel anxious about my session tonight because I sent her another really desperate and vulnerable and needy email last Friday and now it has dispersed... I have to see her tonight, I feel ashamed and embarrassed about that - I don't want her to make me feel back there because it was horrible and I am now better....

Oh I hate this feeling.

[jdcooper]

I have posted things on this site that I later regret because the feelings of vulnerability and distress subside.  I then look at the post and say how could I have not seen that what I wrote isn't rationally true.

I have also sent texts to my therapist when I have some emotional crisis; luckily she  usually gets right back to me and we talk or text and I feel better.

However, I recently had an intense emotional reaction to a facebook picture and post from a family member and texted my therapist immediately; but deleted it.  I just didn't want to feel vulnerable or needy.

Its hard.  I am embarrassed that simply looking at a photo can bring me to such pain; shouldn't I be better by now?  What will my therapist thing that I am still stuck?

All these things run through my mind.  You are not alone.