Trying to leave my abuser

[mar74]

I've been i

[JamesG]

wow Mar, that's some life right there.

This man is appaling and you have got to get out. Look for any support available for women in your situation and take any help they are offering. You may have to accept that the dogs are a price you will have to pay to protect yourself and the kids, but you cannot go on like this. My heart goes out to you. No one should have to experience abuse of this scale. Or any scale. I'm in the UK so I am not up on what help is available for you there but anyone else reading this who can point you at helplines or support options, please step in here.

[Andyman73]

mar74,
Please don't go back. If you swoop for your other esa puppy, take your son with you!!!! You've already beaten the odds, you survived the single most dangerous day of a woman's life!!!! More die on the day they try to leave their abuser than any other day of their lives.
I know because the divorce attorney  that I was referred to by my local DV shelter told me that. Said statistically speaking, is the deadliest day for women. And also dangerous for men too.
Your future axh(abusive ex husband) tells you the same thing my future axw(abusive ex wife) tells me. I need fixing to save the marriage she methodically destroyed.

He has been this way for far too long, he'll never change enough to actually be safe for you. Okay? Please think of your kids, never mind other abused women, but your own kids and grandkids.

It wasn't until after I started getting lost memories back, over the course of this year, that I was faced with the ugly truth, that I, then 43 years old, U.S. Marine, all around nice guy and good father to my kids, was a victim of domestic violence. And yes, I have been abused in every possible manner of the types of abuse that fall under the heading of DV.  But I chose her, unknowingly, because she is so very much like my mom....from my past.

I felt I deserved punishment, so I found a punisher.  The physical abuse started pretty much after we were engaged. I was 23 when we met, 25 when we married. I was still a virgin. I somehow made it through high school and 6 years in the Marines with my virginity intact. Trust me, that was as much by design of my religious upbringing as it was by default.

Unbeknownst to my conscious active memory, my future wife was actually #25 on the list of those that had abused me over the first 23 years of my life before her.  So while I wasn't outwardly afraid of women, inwardly I was quite terrified...enough that I struggled to date at all.

Where as I was a physically grown adult man when my DV abuse began at the hands of my partner. You were still a child, which means csa/r and cpa apply in your DV relationship with him. 

If you haven't yet, maybe speak with a counselor at a DV shelter. That is where I got my start in my journey towards freedom. You got a leg up on me, you already far removed from your abuser, physically, whereas I'm still living with mine. Hope to change that in the next 6 months. I still got young kids, so i must leave! They must absolutely know that they don't have to stay in an abusive relationship. Which they won't know if I stay. I even have a place to go, my younger brother already made room, and lives just 2 miles away.

And you must know, this 44 year old  male Marine Veteran is absolutely terrified of moving out. But even more scared of staying because I know she will be the death of me.  It's the devil you know, like you said about your house down in FL with him...that's the devil you know.  The unknown is more terrifying. At least you are out already.
I don't know FL law, shoot, I barely know PA law, where I live, but I know that I am afforded some protections from malicious financial punishment in divorce settlement.

If you're interested in comparing notes or have questions regarding a guy's point of view as a male dv abuse victim, I am completely open to that.  I have no issues sharing my story if it helps just one person. At least online I'm okay with it. In person, not so easy.

Safe  if okay. 🌺🌸🌷🌻🌹🌼💐
You deserve a life free from fear of him. Your kids and grandkids deserve a happy and healthy momma too.

Andrew

[JamesG]

well said Andyman, be safe mar74, be safe and start the journey to normality. We are with you.
x

[achilles]

I'm so sorry that you have suffered all those years. 

Please, leave this man.  You can rebuild your life and find peace, and even happiness, again.  He will never change.  I highly recommend talking to trusted relatives, friends, and a therapist (not sure if you have one) and coming up with a plan to leave him safely.  He is dangerous.  You deserve so much better, and i know you know that.   Like all narcissists, he gets enraged if you say he is abusive.  I have experience with such an individual myself.

You will not find happiness with him.  Be safe.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, Mar! Big safe hugs to you! We also have a section called The Healing Porch where the imagery may help you feel more relaxed and unwind a bit.

I was in an abusive marriage for exactly the same number of years, 27, when I finally had enough and moved out. I'll spare you the details. And not that there's any value in comparison but I do think it sounds like you have it much worse.

That's a very long time to be with a person and loving them, to be able to just turn around and leave without a backwards glance is, in my opinion, impossible. So I totally understand the draw. Your home, the dolphins, the sunshine - familiar surroundings. Your mind may be craving them as symbols of some kind of safety in this new, intimidating world.

Andyman is correct, statistically most women are murdered by their abusers when they try to leave. You made it out! You've beaten the odds. I hope you decide to stay out, but ultimately that's your choice. No one can tell you what to do.

There are other ways to get the dog that remains with him. Please do not attempt to go there yourself to retrieve your dog. There is a reason your abuser has kept the animal and it's probably for bait, to lure you back. While I understand the attachment, you must understand what grave danger you'd be in should you return there. You'd be doing your other dog no good if you are then unable to care for that one.

Sometimes we believe the lies and propaganda we've been force fed for so long. But let me tell you this: You are a beautiful, caring woman with two beautiful children and a loving animal companion by your side, who deserves some peace and quiet. A place of her own, a safe place where soda cans don't whizz by your head without warning.

Your sons will look at the example you set, should you decide to remain free. They will learn something. And your dog will not have to live in fear anymore either.

Please keep posting here and keep us updated. We care, we understand.
Safe

[Andyman73]

Just wanted to reiterate, advocates at a DV shelter can really assist you. This is their field of expertise...at least consider calling even the national hotline number.  I did a handful of times before finallly getting the courage to make an appointment to speak to a counselor at my local DV shelter.

[Three Roses]

 

Good idea Andy

[Metanoia]

You deserve a better life mar, one filled with love, kindness, respect and happiness. My heart goes out to you and I know you will get the help you need for you and your kids to be safe.

[Three Roses]

Forgot to link - Healing Porch http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=6910.0

I also looked for some other videos that you might like and found this one -  Recovering after a break up with a narcissist https://youtu.be/tQDTWqIRryA

[JamesG]

go for it Mar, you deserve a better life. The man is a monster.

don't be hard on yourself for this happening, some very strong and capable people I know have fallen foul of narcs, it's oddly a sign of your humanity that they abuse, they see that and they exploit it. Your new life starts now. All power to you. x

[Lingurine]

Hi mar74, and welcome 

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through such a rough patch. When you are used to abuse, like you mentioned, in your youth, it’s what you know and probably the reason why you ended up in this awful situation. You might want to look into some background information, for instance, the cycle of abuse. As you probably know there are stages of abuse. It starts calm, they call that the honeymoon phase. Then the tension builds up and after that, the abuser has outbursts and everything escalates. After this escalation, the honeymoon phase kicks in again, and there is where people usually go back to their abuser, because then he (or she) is nice again, and the craving for that validation stands in the way of focussing on themselves and recovery from the abuse. Once you know they are a merry go round, it’s easier to stay away. I hope you can stay away.

Lingurine

[achilles]

The lack of remorse can be classified as narcissistic, sociopathic, psychopathic, or narcopathic ( a mixture of a few of those).  But at the end of the day, analyzing your husband's behavior isn't going to change him.  Nothing will.  I say this gently, and from personal experience - people like this will never accept responsibility for their behavior.  My abuser apologized to me, only to later claim that I made everything up and my conclusions weren't accurate at all.   It's so disrespectful, degrading, and invalidating, but there's nothing that can be done.  You can literally waste decades trying to get him to see things from your point of view, and to care - but truly, if he cared, he wouldn't have done all those things in the first place. 

He doesn't want to feel true guilt, because if he feels guilty, that means he did something wrong.  And admitting that he was wrong threatens his fragile self-image.  His ego is more important than anything else.  For your safety, for your well-being, I truly believe that you would be able to live a much healthier and happier life away from this man. 

You said that you are happy when his "good side" emerges, but that's the thing - he can turn it on and off at will.  It isn't real.  He knows you want him to be sweet and loving, and so he withholds it from you on purpose and then gives you a tiny bit to keep you hooked.  This isn't love, it's manipulation. 

I wish you strength and healing.  I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how exhausting it can be.

[Andyman73]

Mar,

He sounds like a psychopath with sociopathic tendencies...socios, as far as I understand, feel little or no emotion towards the pain they cause. They are the ones with flat dead eyes, versus angry or dangerous eyes.  Hunny, there is no honeymoon period for you with this one...you've seen how he truly is...he will never change for you, or anyone else. You are already out and away...sign that lease. Look into that legal aid through your local DV shelter.

As for me, been with wife for over 20...but have lived since age 2, with trauma and abuse....just turned 44 the other day...so...yeah.

Please pm, or email me.  I am open to talking about anything and everything you wish. Even in sharing our  stories and experiences, we can glean some little tidbit that may help us in our own lives.

Safe  if okay.

[Three Roses]

I can't even think straight after talking to him very much! 

Some of us find relief from the cycle of abuse by going limited contact or no contact (LC - NC).