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Sorry to hear that NK!   

I had a long nap yesterday afternoon instead, but I didn't get up in the early evening as planned, I stayed in bed. Today too till a friend came round with some flowers for me and then we wandered around my garden a bit talking about flowers and plants and some other stuff too.

Now I'm on the forum and though I have seen posts I wanted to respond too, I noticed I need the energy for me. And I'm following that  

Yesterday occupational therapy was more like art therapy. Helped me get some more clarity about something I did the other week and helped me be more forgiving to myself about it. My occ. therapist saw huge progress actually.

I see a few new posts on our Healing Porch thread, so I'm bumping this thread too. It's not the same, but I thought there might be some interest in gardening or plants in general on the recent Healing Porch posts. The Healing Porch is definitely different though. It's magic. So I don't want to distract from it at all, but just add this thread too, appropriate time of year for it in the northern hemisphere.

Thank you Hope    I didn't unfortunately. Oh well.

I'm so exhausted today. It's evening and I'm just going to go to bed.

[not]

1) Fresh air coming into my bedroom through open window
2) I got up and did my meditation
3) I read a couple of posts here on OOTS but doing self-care and not responding.

Mama Bear with cubs

https://www.cbc.ca/player/play/video/9.4211752

I accomplished a lot yesterday after my difficult start. I had a good day too.
A bit sleepy and tired I suppose today, didn't get out of bed till noon. No actually probably a bit uneasy if not downright triggered about some conversations I managed to get into the past week or so. Not argumentative, but with people who don't do me good and don't notice my subtle signs that I don't want to further engage. Would be helpful to do some of my Imagination or Screen work on it.

Apart from that, there are so many things I want to write on the forum atm, mostly my own reactions to various things, progress, responses to various mbrs here on the forum, information gleaned from free webinars etc etc etc. But not able for the moment.

Thinking of you woodsgnome and of that eagle. Sending support. 

Oh no NK!!  I'm so sorry you are not doing well and we will all be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way. That's hard about the cruise as I know you were quite excited. 

    

Thank you for your care, san.

I wanted to write a little more on the meaning of those images for me, but words fail me, thoughts fail me. There's nothing there. Or rather brain fog.

I know some FOO stuff was weaving in and out of my dreams last night and after I woke up this morning, I was planning things to say to B1, actually on a different topic. Not that I will say or even write anything of the sort to him, but it's a sign for me.

Actually I have quite a lot to do today, so starting would probably actually help me. Though getting up was a challenge. However, I have taken my first meds and done my meditation. Some days I genuinely look forward to getting up and doing my meditation. Not quite so enthusiastic today, but at least the idea that I would be doing my meditation before everything except first meds at least helped me get up. I got up before 9am too. Before I started doing daily meditation, I often didn't make it out of bed on Saturdays before noon, just so listless and exhausted.

I've been there too Bach. 

Take care, Cascade

I'm referring to this post of mine from a Conversion disorder thread:
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15572.msg141952#msg141952

As I request at the bottom of that linked post, please put any conversation, comments, validation etc on that final post of mine over HERE on my Recovery Journal so as not to derail the very important topic of Conversion Disorder. Or if not really directed to me and my experience but rather your own experience, please consider using your own Journal or similar so as not to derail my Journal - you'll want responses/validation to your experience among your own writings. Thank you kindly.


So my reaction this morning to my post      on the imagery that turned up. That's all I want to write for the moment.

[Edited next day:]

I was reading Ghost's post about PNES and started googling it. One thing led to another and I saw "conversion disorder" which was mentioned in my latest inpatient report in combination with what they're labeling as OSDD atm because they're still not 100% sure where I am on the dissociative spectrum. ...

"Conversion disorder involves the loss of one or more bodily functions. Examples include:

    Weakness or paralysis
   
    Difficulty speaking or inability to speak
    Difficulty swallowing"

 
Difficulty speaking - yes in the sense that when things are really hard and/or I'm trying to talk about something very triggering in therapy, it can be that I can only speak in a whisper.
Difficulty swallowing - it feels that way sometimes when the lump in my throat is particularly large but I'm not sure if that would be included here. I actually had a lump in my throat for years, it was called 'post-nasal drip' then; maybe it still is. It was annoying, I was always swallowing trying to make it disappear. At the same time I also assumed that everybody had one and it was there for keeps, bad luck sort of thing.

Now I'm wondering if Difficulty breathing might belong on this list too? I am having difficulty breathing atm (past day or two at least) due to the size of the lump in the back of my throat, even though it is probably not a real physical lump. I swallow from time to time but it doesn't go away, just like I wrote above. I notice difficulty breathing particularly in singing lessons and in choir practice but the lump itself almost all the time.

I know from my previous trauma T that my shallow breathing is a result of trauma. He explained that I obviously cut off the connection between my head (cognitive stuff) and my emotions by stuffing uncomfortable and non-allowed feelings down into my body, throat on downwards, cutting off at the neck basically. Since breathing more deeply can bring emotions up, I automatically breathed in a shallow way for years at least a majority of the time, enough to have shallow breathing my go-to method. He worked long enough and often enough with me on these stuffed away emotions - for this purpose not actually directly on the emotions themselves but on allowing them to be and helping me allow me to stay in my body and not numb out - for me to eventually be able to feel something like an open pipe going from my throat all the way down to the base of my spine rather than everything from the neck on down feeling like concrete. It did take a few years, though of course we didn't always work solely on that, but it hasn't stayed. Could come again though. Anyway, today I have an internal image of 

  *** TW violence ***  (whited-out)

something tied around my neck, though more as a symbol of there being an emotional cut-off point at that place than somebody having committed physical violence to my neck since I've never been choked physically that I know of, but emotionally yes I say as images of F and B1 turn up . Not meant to exist, not meant to have feelings   Not meant to thrive. How can you thrive and be your best person if you can't fill your lungs?

Well, now I have more idea what's behind the difficulty breathing. Maybe it doesn't belong under Conversion disorder after all, but I'll leave it here at least until tomorrow when I'll re-read it and maybe have some more clarity and can then decide to move it to my Recovery Journal or somewhere.

***Edited next day: I've decided to leave this post here because my realisations came as a result of writing about my own quoted post on this thread. I will however write any further realisations/further movement sparked by this post on my Recovery Journal or Private/Mbr Journal.

I ask kindly that other mbrs (1)write about Difficulty breathing elsewhere too unless theirs might actually be on account of conversion disorder and (2) make any responses to this post of mine on my Recovery Journal so that the conversion disorder thread is not derailed and muddied. Conversion disorder is too important of a separate topic/symptom/co-morbidity to get all mixed up and 'muddied' imho. Thank you.***

Link to my current Recovery Journal:
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15145.msg129386#msg129386 See p.20 and following